#yeah. shutting up now because i could rant all day about music if you'd let me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

binniedeactivated · 4 years ago

Note

hi binnie🥺 please can you make a black girl x my baby kamal imagine? just do whatever you'd like ❤️ - ✨

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 | 𝐡𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐤𝐚𝐢 𝐱 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤!𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄 | ➥ 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭

𝐖/𝐂 | 2k

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒 | (𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 "𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤") - 𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐬 𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐳𝐲 𝐧𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐛𝐨𝐫𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡 𝐯𝐚𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐦. 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐤𝐚𝐢.

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 | 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭𝐲, 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐬

a/n; hey babes! this imagine is not to sexualize kai in any way (there’s no smut or anything, don’t worry) I just really love monsè and caesar’s love dynamic on this show. but if you all feel uncomfortable by it pls let me know!

“no but seriously I’m glad you’re back. this neighborhood been boring as hell without you”. taehyun admits, biting into a grilled hotdog. the music was loud, the night was young and his backyard pool was full of people playing water tag, volleyball, and all kinds of games you could name. if there was anything tyun provided for the block it was his infamous cookouts and pool parties, especially on warm summer nights like this. diamond smiles and wraps a towel around her cold wet shoulders. her big bushy hair was now wet and curling down her back with pool water dripping from the tips of her ends.

“aw, thank you taehyun. I’m glad to be back to be honest. I kind of missed it here”. you say, the both of you taking a seat on the steps of his back porch. “so how was it over in the east with your mom? I know it’s way different from LA”.

“it definitely was different not going to lie. we had fun though, ate some pretty good food and spent time together. it’s a colder over there though. I missed it over here with my dad”. she was glad to be back of course but she had to admit, it felt odd. it wasn’t the same energy as before and everyone was either looking at her weird or whispering once she was out of sight.

“tsk, I can only imagine”.

“hell yeah. how’s everyone been though? I’m sorry my phone was broken I would’ve facetimed you guys more often. how’s kai?”.

taehyun clicks his tongue, rolls his eyes and speaks with his mouth full. “I hate that bastard. I don’t know why you’re dating him anyways”.

“tyun come on. be nice”.

“what diamond? he spends each and every day trying to be something he’s not all because his brother is in that crazy ass mob”.

“3, 2, 1!! cannon ball!!!”. beomgyu screams and taehyun immediately jumps up, “gyu! that diving board is broken--”. and before he could hear taehyun’s words he bounces only once on the tip of the diving board before it broke off forcing him to dive into the pool anyways. gasps sputtered around the pool and backyard trying to figure out why in the hell he didn’t look below him before he jumped. but to everyone’s surprise beomgyu came back up from under the water in seconds announcing his condition. “I’m alright!”.

diamond couldn’t help but laugh at his stupidity. and taehyun was pissed off but once he saw her laughing he couldn’t help himself either. he shook his head and sat back down on the porch stairs beside her. “that boy is a fucking idiot”. he comments. “speaking of idiots though I probably ought to tell you about your little boyfriend”.

“what happened?”.

taehyun sighs. “now, before I say this diamond I want to let you know that me and beomgyu did everything we could to get a hold of him. but every time he tried he would call his brother to come threaten to kill us if we ever stepped foot on his property again”.

by now taehyun had her curiosity piqued. she turned your knees towards him. “taehyun what happened?”.

playing with the napkin that was holding his hotdog taehyun was fidgeting a little which was weird. being his best friend for so long, she knew taehyun had to be beyond nervous to fidget like this.

“so, after you left. kai sort of--told everyone what happened between you two last summer”.

she almost choked on her spit. “he did what?! taehyun why didn’t you tell me about this before?!”.

“I was going to but you were so happy to be back I didn’t want to kill your mood”.

“no you should’ve told me! that explains why everyone’s been whispering about me and shit. I can’t”. she rants, scooting off the steps and out of taehyun’s backyard gate in anger. her house was only across the street so that’s exactly where she was headed. taehyun followed her.

“diamond! diamond! don’t be mad at me for this”.

“this isn’t about you taehyun”. She grumbles loudly through the tears that glossed her eyes. they blurred her vision entirely making her oblivious to the car that was nearly 2 feet away from hitting her. “diamond!!”. taehyun yells, right before she screams hearing the car come to an abrupt stop with a screech.

and like she would’ve never guessed the driver behind the wheel was heuning kai, and in the passenger seat it was some girl she hadn’t known. once he locked eyes with diamond his eyes widened but hers only cuts him down to size. he says something that she couldn’t hear because she was too busy storming off.

“diamond! diamond wait!”. he gets out of the car and slams the driver’s door shut chasing after her. once he finally caught up to her he grabs her wrists but she pushes him backwards onto the grass of her front lawn.

“fuck you kamal”. she says coldly. she never understood taehyun’s hatred for him but now she had. her anger was burning through just about every bone in her body.

“diamond I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that everyone twisted my words”.

she bit her trembling lips with tears cascading down her cheeks. “and what else? this apology makes up for that girl in your car too? how dare you?! how dare you do this to me? after all I’ve stuck with you through? defending your name in every conversation trying to assure everyone that you’re this precious guy when you’re really not. you couldn’t wait to embarrass me could you?!”.

he gets up and brushes off his hoodie and sweatpants. “people are going to believe what they want to believe and you know that”.

“not when you’ve painted a clear picture for them”. he towers over five-foot -seven frame feeling sorry for himself. he clenches his jaw. he didn’t know it would all come to this.

“that night I said that, I must’ve been so out of it that I was just babbling off to any attention I was receiving”.

“so? what did you get out of it? attention? clout? was it fucking worth it?”.

“diamond--”.

“losing my virginity to you was the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever done in my life. we were in love and in that moment I thought you were the perfect one to hold it near and dear to your heart but to see that you didn’t care--that you didn’t care enough to keep things between us and keep it a secret. instead you go and tell everyone making me look like some neighborhood sleep-around who just gives it up easy. it makes me hate you so much kai. because you’re better than that and you know it”. she croaks in high pitched cries. pain pooled in her chest.

“diamond I’m sorry”. he whispers in the small space between them both.

“no you’re not”. She said underneath the weight of her sobs. She enters her house and shut the door, vowing to never speak to kai again.

#heuning kai #heuning kai fluff #heuning kai angst #heuning kai x black!girl #tomorrow by together #txt imagines #txt drabbles

21 notes · View notes

mollyhw14 · 3 years ago

Text

Fallen Angel : Tied to the Devil's Daughter (demon au Lee Donghyuk / Haechan ) ♛ CH2♛

Seraphina was beyond livid.

She'd come to the dance studio to let off steam but it felt like the complete opposite. Putting on some music, she decided to let loose and see if dancing would at least loosen her temper a little bit.

Stretching to warm up, she slowly began to let her body flow with the rhythm, eventually flowing into the choreography she'd been practicing for the last week. Flawlessly, she completed every step, finishing with a grande jete and her final pose. Once the music stopped she collapsed to the floor, sweating but feeling more alive from the buzz of the dance. Prying herself from the floor, she heard distant clapping from the door way making her whip her head round fast to see who had interrupted her alone time.

Phina was definitely not impressed to see the boy she had glared at previously before for taking over her time slot.

"Wow princess didn't know you were quite the ballet dancer. I must say, doesn't really fit your temper like but you got some moves." His voice was almost teasing-like and this irritated Seraphina a lot. Getting annoyed by his presence, she scowled at him, waiting for his explanation as to why he was even there. Not getting an answer she took matters into her own hands.

"So you gonna tell me why the fuck you're here or am I gonna have to slap some sense in to you?"

He chuckled at her tone, she sounded pissed and it only amused him.

"Now now, sunshine, that's no way to speak to people is it?" He made sure to drag out the word sunshine just to piss her off even more.

"You call me that again and I'll snap your fucking neck!" She'd moved to grab her phone, getting angrier the more she was in his presence.

"Feisty one aren't you? Princess, as much as I'd love to break your neck too, don't think it would go down to well with the police now would it?" His condescending tone irritated her and she stormed out, barging past his tall ass to find her next class.

"By the way, I came to take over my time slot, not that I didn't mind you staring at me Sunshine," he shouted from behind her.

'Staring? Fucking idiot, he's obviously blind to not see I was trying to burn him with my eyes' she thought to herself as she slowed down once entering her classroom.

Maths was Seraphina's most hated class. It wasn't because she wasn't good at it, if anything she was top of the class. However, she unfortunately had to share this class with the demons in the year above. Three of them being the dicktrio who thought they ran the school. Their dumbasses had dropped a grade and now she had to have this class with them. Not only that, her teacher was a demon too, favouring them more amongst the humans within the class, no matter how dumb they were. Phina often wondered to herself if there was many more teachers who were also demons, and they just kept to their human form?

Waiting for the teacher to come, she glanced around, trying to not make contact with the black orbs that almost laughed at her from across the room. The demons giggled to themselves, knowing how much humans hated eye contact with them, believing they would die from a single look. However this wasn't the case for Phina, she was introverted, and this was why she hated eye contact. She didn't give one shit if this girl was a demon, she just knew the moment they shared eye contact, she wouldn't hear the end of it.

"How's my favourite person!" Phina heard the angelic voice of her friend, before being engulfed by a pair of arms.

"Cheonie, you're strangling me!" Phina managed to choke out before her best friend finally sat in the seat next to her.

"Can I not be happy to see my best friend? Have you calmed down yet?"

Before Phina could reply, she heard the high pitch voice shout out from the other side of the room.

"Shut up Chansa, you might as well be an Angel you're that fucking annoying!"

Hurt flashed across her friends face and Seraphina saw red. How dare she insult her best friend.

"First of all her name is CHEONSA, get it right bitch! Maybe mind your own fucking god damn business before insulting my friend. At least she has a heart unlike you whores."

She glared straight into the black pits of hell, and everyone around them muted. All shocked that not only had she stuck up to the three dicktrio demons, but also because she actually looked them straight in the eye.

Shock was evident on the demons’ faces, but was gone as quick as it came.

"Did you just call us whores?"

"Yes and what the fuck are you going to do about it?"

"You're dead human bitch-"

Just as the girl was about the pounce at Phina, the door swung open to reveal both the teacher and the person she hated just as much as the dicktrio. Lee Haechan.

"What are you doing Seraphina! Get in your seat right this instant and don't utter a single word for the rest of class." Black orbs glowed from the door way at her, stopping the demon in her tracks.

Seraphina was beyond mad. Not only had she been humiliated by the teacher, but that the demons always got their own way. The smirk on their faces showing everyone who had the higher ground.

"Utter bullshit" she mumbled to herself, Cheonsa gave her a reassuring smile.

"Right class we have a new student joining us, Lee Haechan. Make him feel welcome and please, no funny business. Haechan please take a seat next to Seraphina."

Could Phina's day get any worse? Banging her head on her desk, she heard a low chuckle followed by, "You really are a badass aren't you Sunshine? Going against a demon you're definitely asking for a death wish."

Oh how she wished she was dead.

The bell rang signally the end of the day, and nobody was more exciting to be leaving school that Seraphina. The ringing of the bell actually made her smile for the first time that day, as she skipped down the stairs to go meet her best friend outside.

Finding Cheonsa under the school's apple tree, they linked arms before heading off the their usual cafe down the road.

"Why don't you ask Mark if he wants to join us, you said he's been stressed out with exams recently he'll need a break." Cheonsa looked at her friend for an answer, watching as she frowned at the mention of her brother.

"I know, he really stresses himself out too much, mums had to put a lock on the fridge because he's been stress eating."

Mark was Seraphina's older brother, who never let her forget that he was the older ones. He was doing his finally exams to get himself into college, and the boy literally stressed himself out so much over it, he would lash out at anybody who distracted him.

"Do you think he'll be calm enough to even talk to me on the phone?"

Cheonsa hesitated,

"He should be done with them soon, he'd probably appreciate his sister inviting him out."

With that said, Phina brought the phone to her ear to call her brother, entering the all too familiar cafe.

"Yah what do you want I'm busy Phi!"

Phina closed her eyes at the loudness of his voice, knowing her brother would react this way she sighed.

"Never mind. I was going to ask if you'd like to come hang out with us at the cafe but if you're busy just leave it." She snapped at him down the phone, her temper getting the better of her.

"No wait!" the voice on the other side made her jump. He really needed to stop shouting.

"I'll come, I'm sorry for shouting I need a break these exams are driving me fucking insane." His voice was more softer this time, regretting the way he'd spoke to his sister. After all, she was just trying to be nice.

"I'll see you in 5."

Just as the phone line went dead, Cheonsa was walking over with two cups in her hand.

"You know me to well Cheonsie, a peppermint hot chocolate is always the way to my heart."

They both chuckled and sat in their usual spot, before Phia decided to fill her friend in on the new kid.

"Honestly you should've seen him Cheonsa, he thought he was fucking amazing, interrupting my dance slot-"

"Hello to my favourite sibling!" Her brother practically screamed from across the cafe, interrupting her rant.

"Mark I'm your only sibling."

"I know that but still... anyway I brought Renjun because he was with me when you called." Renjun stuck his head out from behind Mark, waving at the two girls.

"Hey Rejun, how've you been?" Cheonsa beamed up at the blonde, eyes never leaving the male.

"I've been good thank you, just trying to finish my portfolio for art."

Phina almost gagged at the way her friend was making heart eyes at the man. She pulled Mark into the booth they were sat at, earning a glare from her friend at their chosen seating arrangement.

"I like your new hair Renjun, have you dyed it?" Cheonsa's attention was back onto the male, swooning at the way he blushed that she'd noticed his hair.

"Yeah I just fancied a change. Do you think it looks okay-"

He was about the finish his sentence when the sudden buzz of his phone interrupted him. Confused, he put the phone to his ear, quizzing the caller.

"What's wrong? Are they being bad again?- Well I don't know....I can ask wait a sec-"

"Hey Cheonsa is it okay if my friend joins us?"

His eyes were pleading at her to let his friend come, and Phina wondered why he would even be pleading when he knew fair well that Cheonsa would agree to anything he said.

"Of course, anything for you." Cheonsa giggled, causing Phina to fake gag, and earning a chuckle from her brother and death glare from her friend.

After getting off the phone, Renjun announced his friend was round the corner and would go and grab him a drink from the counter, asking if anybody else wanting one too.

As he neared the counter, her friend sighed, love evident on her face.

"He's just so charming isn't he?" She sighed again, looking towards the boy she had a huge crush on.

"Yeh he's alright I guess-"

"Oh hey Sunshine, didn't know I'd be seeing you here."

Phina's eyes nearly popped out their sockets at the high pitched voice she could recognise anywhere.

Why did her day just keep getting worse.

#Haechan #nct #lee hacehan #lee donghyuck #donghyuck au #nct dream donghyuck #donghyuck fanfic #nct donghyuck #demons #demon au #angels and demons #fallen angel #Mark #mark lee #renjun #huang renjun

4 notes · View notes

writemywaytoyourheart · 6 years ago

Text

Requested: no, not at all

a/n: this has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me y'all. the only reason I made this was bc I want you all to know what can happen when you leave someone behind. So if you're struggling, please talk to someone, talk to me, my asks and dms are always open. Ily

*Listen to Clouds by Before You Exit, either before or after reading this*

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x reader

Genre: angst, bits of fluff scattered about, but just pure angst if we're being honest here.

Warnings: Language, suicidal death, panic attacks, depression, lots of hurt and depressed Kookoo I'm so sorry.

Word Count: 5.7k hoo

Read at your own emotional risk. If this is triggering for you do not read it please. Go find happy fluff on my Masterlist

The smile on your face could fool anyone. It sure did fool him.

The way you danced to the music no matter where you were or who was watching, made his heart skip a beat in his chest.

You would belt out whatever song was playing, even if you didn't know all the lyrics. A ton of 'la la la's' would ensue and he couldn't control his giggles while watching you. His heart pounded in his chest everytime he heard you sing, even though you weren't the best singer in the world.

The way you would subtly tell him that you were hungry–dramatically grabbing your stomach and groaning about how your belly button was surely sucking your spine because of how empty it was down there.

Your eyes would light up when he suggested getting lunch, and 'oh yeah sure, if you're hungry' would be your nonchalant reply, although the brightness in your eyes and the skip in your step as you hurried ahead of him gave you away. His heart fluttering as he was tripping over himself to catch up to you.

The way your eyes would get bigger as you looked at the food choices, whether he took you to a restaurant or a random food stand on the sidewalk. You were so excited every time.

The day Jungkook asked you to be his girlfriend would be etched into your memory forever. You'd been friends for about a year, he trusted you with everything and would always turn to you, and he knew that you were the person that he wanted to spend his life with, maybe have a family with someday. He actually knew it the day he first laid eyes on you–you were introducing yourself to them all, and reached Jungkook last stretching your hand out to shake his and the second you touched him–a bell went off. It startled Jungkook and he whirled around trying to find where it came from. He found that it was Jimin's alarm as the older boy quickly turned it off. He never told anyone until you two were dating, you were both hopeless romantics and you squealed in delight when he told you the story. He knew then that you were his soulmate.

The day he asked you to be his was in the spring, you two were walking along a path of cherry blossom trees. It was cliché but his cute stutter and pink cheeks made it a thousand times better.

Of course you also had your bad days, everyone does. But you always tried your best to keep a smile on your face. He admired you a lot for that. But he loved you just as much when you cried for hours, lying in his arms, feeling like you wanted to give up, when you didn't know what to do anymore, though he always helped you come down from that. On the less serious days, you would rant for a bit about what had you down, then suggest a dance party, and he would happily oblige.

You two would spin around dancing and singing along to the songs until your lungs inevitably gave out or your head got too dizzy, then you'd plop on the ground in a fit of giggles. Troubles long forgotten.

At least that's what you made him believe.

Yeah, you definitely fooled him.

Now you were gone.

And he would never get the chance to ask you why.

"Hello?"

"....Kookie?" Your voice on the other line sounded weak, it was late and he was worried you might be sick.

"Hey baby, what are you doing?"

"...Kookie, I'm sorry." Your voice broke at the end, Jungkook didn't think he'd ever heard you sound so sad and tired.

"What do you mean baby? It's okay, what's going on? Talk to me."

"Jungkook, I...I lo-" Were you crying? He tried to stay calm, "Y/n? Baby, what is it?" You didn't answer so he spoke again, a little louder this time, "Y/n, please answer me love."

...

'Hyung, I think I need to go to Y/n.'

All he can remember is pale.....pale walls, pale tiled floors, your body lying limp on them, pale pills dumped on the floor next to you.

Confusion and panic.

That's all he can remember. No matter how hard he tries to forget it.

Voices shouting around him. Someone grabbing his arms when he started to fade. Jin hyung picking you up in his arms, cradling your lifeless body and hurrying out of the bathroom. Where had the light in your eyes gone? Why did they look so empty?

'She's tired...she needs to sleep.'

He kept repeating the words to Hoseok who was holding him up now. Hoseok just nodded silently and held the youngest up the best he could.

'Hyung, she's sick. She needs medicine. She needs to sleep.'

Why was no one listening to him? Why was Jimin crying? Where did Y/n and Jin hyung go? What was going on? Why was Yoongi hyung shouting into a phone?

Hoseok practically carried Jungkook to the car, pushing him in and slamming the door shut behind them.

Why wouldn't Jimin stop crying? Why was Tae pale as a ghost as he sped down the road? Why was Namjoon trying to calm everyone down? Where were Y/n, Jin, and Yoongi?

What the hell is going on??

There you were, someone was wheeling you into a white room, on a white bed, your hair splayed haphazardly around your face.

That was the night he lost you.

That night.....It will haunt him for the rest of his life.

"Shut up Kookoo!" You laugh and hit him playfully, he couldn't help but reach out and tickle your sides to get you to stop smacking his chest–causing you to shriek and flail away from him. He loved that nickname that you always called him, and he wouldn't dare let anyone else call him that.

"Why should I?" He laughed as you kept trying to get away from his tickle attack. He had just beaten you at yet another round of 'Sorry', that stupid passive-agressive board game, and he wouldn't stop teasing you for making that one dumb move.

"It was a stupid accident Kook! Just shuddup already!" You couldn't stop laughing and kicking at him, trying to knock him off of you.

Eventually he pins your arms to your sides, and lays on top of you. You try not to let a smile break as he grins down at you, then he leans down and kisses your nose softly, then both your cheeks, he rubs his nose against yours before kissing your lips, "sorry baby, I'll stop teasing you now." He leans down and starts kissing all over your face again, giggles leaving your lips at the ticklish feeling...Then he takes your hand and looks at the little silver ring on your pointer finger–he had a matching one on his–he traces it and looks for the little engraving on it, then reads it aloud, " 'forever and always', remember when you didn't want that on it?" He makes a face at you and you laugh, "it's not that I didn't want it, it just sounded cheesy at the time. But I love it." He kisses you again,

"I love you Y/n."

"Love you too Kookoo."

"What are you saying?" The confusion and fear shook Jungkook's voice as he looked back and forth between Jin and the doctor he met only hours ago. None of the other members around could meet his eyes.

"What are you s-saying?" He repeated the question when no one answered him. The sound of Tae's voice cracking and his sobs starting didn't even register in Jungkook's brain. He didn't see Jimin trying to figure out who to go to, then settling on hugging Tae as if his life depended on it, seeing as Jungkook wasn't in the state to be touched.

"Please answer me." His voice was steadier than he expected. The doctor was the only one willing to look him in the eyes, "I'm sorry...but she's gone."

"Gone where?"

"What?"

"You're confusing me, please, just." Jungkook was obviously struggling, his eyes started to burn, from confusion and the frustration of not being understood.

"Jungkook-" Jin's eyes were red as he stepped forward to take his young friend's arm, but Jungkook moved back, away from Jin's reach.

"Can I please just go see her now? She needs me." Jungkook's voice broke again and he just wanted to scream, what was the matter with everyone? Why couldn't he go to you? "She needs me...."

"Jungkook, your girlfriend, she's-"

"...what?"

"She's dead, Jungkook. I'm sorr-"

"Stop it."

"Jungkook please-" Yoongi stepped up to him now, trying to take his arm, tears streaming steadily down the usually composed elder hyung's cheeks.

"Don't lie to me."

Namjoon and Hoseok were turned away, they couldn't watch anymore, their own faces were damp with tears, their eyes red and swollen.

"Jungkook, I wouldn't do that, I wish I could say it isn't true." The doctor himself was close to breaking down in tears, even though he'd seen many deaths, "I don't think it's a good idea for you to back there right no-"

Jungkook ignored him and pushed past everyone, heading straight to the room you were wheeled into a few hours ago.

The second he saw you lying on the bed, cold and motionless; his mind shut down. That wasn't you. That isn't you. It can't be. He saw you yesterday, you were in his arms yesterday. That wasn't you. He didn't know who that was, but his Y/n was fine, she was at home sleeping, she had work tomorrow. They were going to hang out tomorrow when she was done. Get ice cream and walk in the park.

You were alive. You were fine. They were all pranking him and trying to make him cry. He should call you, call you and tell on them. They were pranking him and it wasn't funny. You would scold the other members and cuddle him to make it okay again.

The sound of Hoseok sucking in a deep breath brought Jungkook back, he turned and saw the other members staring at the person in the bed. They looked sick, like they were going to cry or throw up, Jimin looked close to passing out. Jungkook shoved past them, "you're all assholes, I'm telling Y/n on you and you'll be sorry when she scolds you." Taehyung reached out for Jungkook, tears flowing freely down his face, "J-Jungkook, where are going?"

"I'm going to call Y/n, leave me alone." The boys stared after him in horror. They couldn't process everything that was happening too quickly.

Jungkook's hands shake as he dials your number, listening to the ringing. It rings again and again and again. He hangs up and tries again, after more ringing he gets sent to your voicemail; 'Hello this is Y/n, I'm sorry but I can't answer the phone right now, please leave a message. Unless you're Jungkook, in that case please call again, Kookoo! I'll answer for you.' your laugh bubbles out and then there's a beep, his voice gets caught in his throat, "Y-Y/n, it's Jungkook, please answer your phone, the boys did something horrible and I need to hear you." He tries to keep a steady voice, calling once more and getting the same message that says if it's him, to call again. So he does, again and again and again.

"JEON JUNGKOOK!"

Jungkook leapt up from your bed and sprinted to the living room after hearing your shout come from the bathroom, no way was he letting you get ahold of him now. He couldn't stop his giggles as he jumped on the couch and waited for you to get your revenge. Sure enough a few seconds later you stormed out of the hallway, eyes ablaze with fury.

"Jeon Jungkook what the hell is the matter with you??" Your hands are on your hips as you glare at the boy playing innocent in front of you.

"What do you mean Y/n?" His eyes are big and brown causing you to hesitate getting angry, curse his beautiful doe eyes.

"I'm gonna get you back Jeon." You harshly point an accusing finger at him and turn to stalk back to your room. At the sight of your wet shorts he bursts into a fit of laughter. You swing back around and glare at him again.

"Something funny?" There's no hint of amusement in your voice and he chokes back another laugh, biting his lip and shaking his head. You turn and go back down the hallway to change, "very unoriginal prank Jungkookie, very unoriginal. Just you wait. I'll get you worse than that." Yeah, plastic wrap on the toilet seat when you really had to pee was very unfunny.

"Love you babe!" He calls after you, smiling to himself, and chuckles when he hears you shout back,

"Shuddup, Kookoo."

"Shut up, you're a liar!!"

"Jungkookie, please, just listen to me." Tears streamed down Jimin's face as he held his hands out to his best friend, completely helpless.

"Get out!" Jungkook's voice broke despite the volume he was using.

"I'm not gonna leave you." Jimin's voice trembled and he sat down on the couch inside their dorm.

Jungkook clenched his fists, trying not to lash out at Jimin. He just wanted to be left alone.

"Jungkook, you need to go to the funeral. It's the least you can do." Jimin speaks up again after a few minutes. Jungkook turned on him instantly, "the least I can do? The least I can do? Who the fuck do you think you are telling me what to do?!" Jimin flinched at the words Jungkook was shouting down at him.

"Do it for her."

"Shut up."

"She loved you Jungkook."

"Stop saying that."

"I won't, because it's true."

"IT'S NOT TRUE!" Jungkook hadn't meant to scream that loud, Yoongi ran into the living room from the back when he heard the shouting.

"What's going on?" Yoongi looked back and forth between the two boys, confusion that turned into sadness written all over his face when he saw Jungkook tearing up. Jimin was the one to speak up, "he won't go to her funeral next week. He says she didn't love him." Yoongi looked back at Jungkook and saw tears spilling down the boy's face. The thoughts running around in his head were going to swallow him up.

You were selfish. How could you leave him like that? He hated you. No he didn't. He couldn't hate you no matter how hard he tried. No, he hated himself for loving you.

"Jungkook, I think you should go. At least for some closure." Yoongi said quietly and cautiously. After a minute Jungkook finally nodded, he would go. If it meant it would help him forget you.

Whenever he had a bad day, your face would pop into his mind and he'd immediately text you, asking if he could come over. You would always reply right away, and he'd smile down at the words 'of course love, please come over.' So he would.

You would end up holding him in your arms, it didn't matter that he was bigger than you, your arms would wrap around as much of him as they could hold, gently rocking him back and forth. His tears hitting your chest and bringing tears to your own eyes, when he was in pain, so were you.

You'd sit there for as long as it took, a few times you two had been in that position all night long. Sometimes you would sing to him, his favorite songs, lyrics tumbling from your lips, voice cracking beautifully in his ears. His sobs would turn to shaky breaths as he listened to the imperfectly perfect sound of your voice. Your hand stroking his hair, letting him know that you were there, you'd always be there.

You lied to me.

Those are the only thoughts that pass through his head as he stands among all the people dressed in black. A picture of you smiling is sat on top of a closed casket, your eyes seemed to be looking straight into his.

Why did you lie?

Jungkook feels someone's arm touch his, he turns and sees your mother holding onto him. Her eyes are red and swollen from all the tears she's cried in the past week, and they don't seem to be stopping anytime soon. He turns and hugs her tightly, his throat closing up at her weeping. Once she collects herself she looks up at him, "thank you Jungkook," he looks at her in confusion, "what for?" His voice is barely above a whisper and he feels his throat closing up again at her next words, "for loving my beautiful daughter. You made her happy. I don't think we'll ever know why she did it, but you're the reason she was here for so long, I do know that. She wanted to marry you." A sob escapes Jungkook's throat, "I w-was going to ask her." Your mother cries harder and holds his arm tighter, "I know, I know sweetie, thank you Jungkook, she loved you so much. Thank you."

A little while into the funeral, Jungkook starts to feel himself panic; his breaths getting shorter and shallower. You weren't here to talk him out of this panic attack. You would never be here again. The other members are all sitting stone faced, their eyes are red and a few have tears welling up again. You're never going to make Yoongi laugh again, or make Jimin blush, or tease Namjoon for being clumsy, or compliment Jin on how handsome he is, you'd never dance with Hoseok again, and who would listen to Tae talk about the most random things, with a look of pure awe and interest in what he was wanting to say? Jungkook starts to hyperventilate and when people turn and look at him he rushes out of the room and into the hallway, trying to find someplace to be alone.

The hallway is dark and he sits on the floor a ways away from where the funeral is being held. That's when the tears come; flooding down his face instantly, and his sobs wrack his entire body, he can't get a deep enough breath in to calm himself down. So he sits there and sobs helplessly for a few minutes, each breath after the next getting caught in his throat.

"God," he finally chokes out after a while, "w-why did you take her away? There was so much we were going to do together. I never even got to say goodbye," then he clasps his hands and starts crying again, "I-I'll do anything, please just give her back to me. P-please let me have her back....God, please." Jungkook sits and cries for another few minutes, saying anything he can possibly think of that he would do to have you back. For you to be alive again. So many words he wanted to say and never would. He wanted to at least know if you were doing alright, up in the sky where he knew you were. He wanted you to be alive again.

But it was too late.

The fight you two were having had been going on for a while now, and frankly you were over it. You couldn't even remember why it started. But Jungkook was clearly still angry and wanted to get the last word, "maybe you should stop being so whiny and annoying Y/n, and then I'd listen to you!" That stung. You've fought before but you never called each other anything, your eyes start to water and you grab your bag, throwing it over your shoulder and heading for the door. Jungkook rolls his eyes, "where are you going now? Why do you think running away all the time is gonna solve everything?" He sounds exasperated and like he doesn't even want to keep fighting now.

You turn back to face him, "I'm getting some fresh air, thank you very much, and I don't see why you should care since I'm so annoying and whiny." You go to open the door and he stands up, coming over to you. You can see the regret at his words in his eyes, but you can't find it in you to get over it just yet. You needed a break. He puts a hand on the door to keep you from opening it, "Y/n, you know I didn't mean that." You scoff and reach for the door handle again before he grabs your hand, "then why did you say it, Jungkook?" He just looks down and stays silent, yeah that's what you thought. You yank your hand away and open the door, "fuck you Jungkook. Leave me alone."

A few hours later you had mostly calmed down and you were at home reading a book in bed, when your doorbell rings. You get up and walk over to it reluctantly, you already know who it is before you look through the peephole, but you do so anyway and see Jungkook standing there biting his lip, just like you knew he would be.

You open the door and he looks at you hopefully, so you open the door wider to let him in. He immediately wraps his arms around you in a tight hug and you can't help but to hug him back, you knew he was sorry and you were tired of being angry. You talk it out and he apologizes for everything he said, you apologise for the things you said too. Eventually you end up watching a movie and cuddling after talking through it all. He kisses the top of your head and you smile, grateful that you two could always work things out. You mess with the little silver ring on your finger, smiling and remembering how he won the matching pair for you both.

"Jungkook, maybe you should take a break." Jimin wipes the sweat off his forehead and walks to his bent over friend slowly, putting his hand on his back and rubbing it, "look, we have a while to learn it, please just rest Kook-" Jungkook jerks away roughly, "please don't call me that." His voice was different, heavier and without a lot of feeling, it had been like this for almost a year now. Jimin looks hurt but says nothing more. They all saw a difference in Jungkook since you passed away, they would hear him crying in his room every night, they wouldn't miss the tears that choked him during certain songs they performed. There was an emptiness around them all, and they weren't sure it would ever be filled again.

Tae walks over when he sees the scene unfolding, he looks at Jungkook and tries not to look upset for his best friend, knowing it would just make things worse, "alright guys, we're all going to take a ten minute break...Jungkook can we talk please?" Jungkook huffed but agreed, moving over to sit on the couch on the side of the dance room. The other members walked out of the room to give them some privacy.

"Look, Jungkook. I'm not going to try to say anything much, but I do want to say this. Y/n loved you, she was hurt and couldn't tell anyone. It isn't your fault, Jungkook. No one saw it coming."

"I should have."

"Don't say that."

"It's true though, what kind of boyfriend was I that I didn't even see the signs? That she felt like she had to hide it from me? I-it's all my fault." Jungkook's eyes start to water and his breathing starts to get quicker and shaky, a panic attack was coming on. Tae swallows his tears and reaches over to put a hand on Jungkook's leg, bringing him back. Tae swallows hard and trudges on,

"It wasn't your fault. But, I think you need to seriously think it all through, and then let go."

"I don't want to let go."

"Why not?"

"Because no matter how hard I try and say I want to, I don't want to forget about her."

"You don't have to forget about her Ko-...Jungkook...But I think she wants you to keep living without her now, she would be sad to see you like this."

"Then maybe she shouldn't have been so selfish and decide to leave me alone."

"You don't mean that." Tae can't keep his shaky tear stained voice under control and he turns away to wipe his eyes.

Of course he didn't mean it, but being angry seemed to make it hurt less. Maybe he should try, like Tae said, maybe he could try to keep you in his heart while continuing to live.

Like you would want, and he always wanted to make you happy.

"Hey, Y/n. What about this one?" Jungkook tugs you over to the huge ride, the kind that swoops around in a giant loop. Your stomach drops to your feet but he looks so excited; bouncing up and down with his big doe eyes shining brightly.

Well, at least you hadn't eaten anything yet. Maybe you could do it once before lunch and get it over with. He lets out a shout of excitement when you nod and then he pulls you over to the line of people waiting to get on the ride. As you wait for your turn you tap your foot anxiously, Jungkook notices and wraps his arms around your waist. You smile and he lays his chin on your shoulder, "love you baby~" you tsk and bring your hand up to pat his cheek gently, "love you too, I hope you know that since I'm doing this for you." He chuckles and holds you tighter.

After the ride, which wasn't as bad as you thought–having held Jungkook's hand tightly the entire time–you two find a table to get some lunch. You order and try to ignore Jungkook's teasing about how hard you held his hand and how he thought it would fall off. He keeps laughing as you roll your eyes playfully and avoid looking at him.

When the food comes, you both start to eat, then you notice a little girl and her older brother ordering some ice cream at one of the many food stalls in the fair, a few feet away. Jungkook turns to see what you're smiling at and smiles widely himself as he turns back to you. "I bet that's what our kids will do someday, Y/n...We should take them here, right?" You look at Jungkook happily and nod, you couldn't wait for that day to come.

Later that day, you and Jungkook stopped at the claw machines, Jungkook insisted on trying to get you a stuffed animal. After about ten tries he frustratedly walked away, you tried not to laugh at him walking away only for him to see another machine and say he actually wanted to get you that; which was a little egg with two silver rings in it. One for you and one for him, he said.

Miraculously he was able to get the little egg and he cheered loudly in triumph, reaching down to get it out of the machine and quickly telling you to put the smaller one on. It was cute, and Jungkook's matched.

Later you ended up getting the engraving, 'forever and always' on it.

Jungkook's eyes open slowly, the sun shining in through the window, signalling to him that it was time to get up now. He closes his eyes again and turns onto his side, pulling the covers up to his chin and taking a shaky breath. He tries his best to conjure up the dream he just woke up from, he didn't want to leave. Please come back. His eyes start to burn and tiny tears pour over his lashes when he blinks.

His alarm goes off a minute later but he just ignores it, the insistent beeping drowned out in his thoughts, he can't escape. When he opens his eyes again he sees you lying beside him. He blinks but you're still there.

"Hi Kookoo."

"Y/n?" His voice shakes uncontrollably as he tries to make sure he isn't dreaming.

Your eyes fill with tears and you nod, "yes Kookie, it's me."

"H-how...are you still alive? Y/n are you actually alive?" His voice starts to raise in hopes that maybe this had all been a nightmare. A horrible horrible nightmare. He starts to sit up on his arms but his face falls and his heart crumples when you shake your head, tears slipping out and rolling down your soft cheeks. Your face looks so soft and healthy, not at all what it looked like the last time he saw you.

"I'm sorry Kook, I'm so sorry." Your voice cracks and wavers as you start to cry. He reaches out and touches your wet cheeks, slowly rubbing the tears away and at the same time doing the one thing that he knew always calmed you down.

"Shhh, it's okay love. Don't cry please." He didn't care if this was a dream, you were here. His beautiful Y/n had finally come back to him. He wipes your tears gently, after he wipes them all away he keeps his hand on your cheek, softly rubbing with his thumb.

"Jungkook, I need to say something."

He looks at you and feels his tears returning, he nods and says slowly as if just realizing something, "that's why you're here isn't it? That's why you came back." You close your eyes and take a deep breath, then nod while you bite your lip, trying your very hardest not to throw yourself into his arms and cry.

"Y-yes, Kookie I need you to-"

"Don't."

"What?" You open your eyes again and see the desperation in his face as he seems to be having a battle with himself, "don't tell me, please. Y/n please don't leave me again." He starts to cry and your heart is torn to pieces, he reaches out to you and you push yourself into his arms.

Jungkook's mind is racing a mile a minute. You were in his arms, you were alive and in his arms. He hadn't felt your warmth for over a year and a half now. Jungkook buries his face into your hair and inhales deeply, memories flooding back into his mind. "Y/n, are you okay? Please tell me you're doing okay." He feels your tears wetting his t-shirt and he holds you tighter, listening carefully when you start talking again–voice muffled by his shoulder, "I'm alright Kookie I promise, but I miss you...I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize the effect it would have until it was too late." Jungkook's breath catches in his throat at your words. He leans back and brushes your damp hair out of your face, "how long do I have?" He whispers sadly, tears threatening to choke him once again.

The walk. The walk in between the cherry blossom trees all that time ago when he confessed, that's where you went.

You walk side by side, holding hands, eventually you stop and turn to Jungkook. He focuses on you even though all he wants to do is turn away and cry. You smile at him and squeeze his hand, "Jungkook," he blinks hard and nods in affirmation that he's listening. "Jungkook, I don't have a lot of time. But I need you to promise me something." He nods again and you continue, "w-when I leave, I'm not coming back," you ignore the tears streaming down your face, "I need you to promise me that when I let go of your hand, you won't look back." Jungkook takes in a shuddery breath, "I'm sorry Y/n, that I didn't see, I couldn't save you. I don't know if I ca-" you cut him off before he can finish. "You can, and none of it was your fault Kookie, it isn't your fault. If I could take back what I did," he shakes his head tears already slipping out again, but you continue, "I would take it all back. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I hurt you in the process. I ruined the future we were going to have one day." You're full on crying now as he cries next to you, his shoulders shaking, "and I want you to know how sorry I am." He pulls you into a hug and cries into your shoulder, his breath comes out in heavy gasps, "I forgive you Y/n, I forgive you, I love you so much." He keeps repeating those words while you hold each other for another minute, just crying. Tears of sadness and relief that he forgave you spill out of your eyes and you clutch onto him.

You two go to a ton of different spots that you had dates, stopping to get ice cream, to fulfill the promise you broke the day you died. Eventually you end up at the fair, standing in front of a claw machine that was full of random items, one of them being a small egg that contained two rings. You stare at the machine for a minute before turning to the young man that you loved. He was staring at you, one hand in his pocket fiddling with something, you look at him curiously and he looks down, pulling his hand out and opening it, to reveal a small ring with a chain around it, your ring.

"Jungkook, you still have that?" You refuse to cry again, but you see his eyes well up with tears. You hated that he cried so much nowadays, and hated more the fact that it was you who caused it.

"Of course, we made a promise Y/n, 'forever and always', remember?" You nod tearfully not caring about your stupid 'no crying' rule anymore, and he wipes your eyes gently.

"I'm scared Y/n, I don't want you to leave me again." His voice trembles and he doesn't try to stop the tears. You hug him tightly, letting your own tears escape for the last time, "I'll be with you Kookoo, forever and always. But I have to go know, please keep your promise?" He nods as he hugs you against him, then he pulls back and kisses you quickly before he starts to cry harder. Jungkook hugs you one last time, enveloping you in his big strong arms, the last time either of you would feel each other.

The regret and anger with yourself is overwhelming you, but Jungkook hugs it all away. In a tight warm promise that he's forgiven you and he will keep his last promise to you.

You both pull away and that's when you turn, giving his hand one last squeeze before you walk a few feet, "goodbye Jungkook," you whisper your last words to him, he swallows hard, "goodbye Y/n, I love you." With those words in your ears you walk away and disappear.

Jungkook lets out one last sob and puts the necklace with your ring on it around his neck. He got to say his goodbye. He would never forget you, he didn't want to. But, he forgave you and he would live on with your memory in him. He kept in his heart what he knew; that someday, he would see you again. When you meet in the clouds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n 2.0: I can't stop sobbing rn. Somebody help me. I'm so sorry for this, but I hope this shows you that there is always another way, but when it's over, it's over. You can't come back. More people than you know will miss you. The future is unknown. So please stay.

420 notes · View notes

pasteljooonie · 5 years ago

Text

Infatuation | Yoongi

Description; Agust D was a world know rapper. Yoongi, was a brat that had too much money to handle. When he and his manager run into trouble, he realizes the attitude that comes out when around her is jealously, because he couldn’t have her.

Warning; Cussing, Mature, Blood Mentions, Fighting

Smut Warning; Rough sex, Biting, Multiple Orgasms, Fingering, Body Appreciation, Unprotected Sex.

Genre; Angst | Smut | AU

Pairing; Yoongi x Reader | Namjoon x Jin

Word Count; 6.7k

"And that's a wrap for tonight! Take it on home, and get some sleep, we have to be back at seven am sharp, anyone late will be fired, that's a promise! Now get your asses home." You sighed, watching the crew begin to disperse, all sharing collective sighs of relief. You were shooting Yoongi's newest music video, and were finally calling a night at two am, thankful there was little needed to be put away, as the rest could remain out for tomorrow's shoot, and what did need to be storaged was being handled by the interns, and they were already nearly done. "Wow it almost seems like you don't want to be here, how shocking." You mocked, walking up to Yoongi as his assistant handed him a water bottle. "Wow it almost seems like you don't have anything productive to say, how shocking." He fired back, making you hit him with your clipboard. "I'm sorry, what would you like me to say? You did great today, you weren't a dick to all the interns, you were cooperative with the crew, you didn't throw more than four tantrums, congrats." You scoffed, making him roll his eyes in response. You were a manager, working under BigHit, and specifically assigned to Yoongi. He had a history of not getting along with his managers, and you were hired to keep him in check, and help him as he toured, produced music, and made music videos. "If you're going to be August D, you need to be productive." You spoke up again. "Stop showing up late and covered in hickeys, stop acting like a frat boy, and screw your head on straight. I'm not going to keep cleaning up your messes when you're too hungover to clean them up yourself. I'm not an assistant, I'm a manager. I don't assist, I manage, and that means sending your ass home, and going to bed, since you need to be awake and back here, in five hours. Otherwise, this album isn't happening, and you can kiss your next tour goodbye." You snapped, making him glare at you. "암캐" he muttered under his breath, making you roll your eyes. "Now go." You snapped, watching him storm away as you sighed, rubbing your temples irritably, before turning away. Making sure everyone was gone, before leaving yourself.

"God he's so obnoxious. They warned me of what I would have to deal with, but god sometimes I just want to punch him in the face." You sighed, laying next to your two closest friends, both of them nodding in agreement. "From what we've heard, only the twelve thousand times you rant about him, sounds like it." Jin said, making you sigh. "He's just a bratty rich kid." You groaned. "And I'm working these hellish hours, not getting any sleep at all, and he's out partying and making me clean him up when he stumbles in drunk again." You huffed. "Well you probably don't get any sleep because you spend the 4 hours you have sitting on your bed complaining to us." Tae said, making you sigh again. "I know, but this is the only therapy I have, so I don't care." You sat up slowly, rubbing your eyes, before sighing again. "Besides, tomorrow is the last day of shooting, it'll only be a six hour day, then I can stay away from him for the next week while they edit and finish it, after that it's just choreo, so I just sit and watch during those sessions." You explained. "Sounds like a babysitter." Jin said, making you shrug. "Then I'm his babysitter. I don't care anymore, as soon as this tour starts everything will be fine. He's just being more of a pain in my ass than usual and I have no idea why." You mumbled, rubbing your eyes softly as you glanced at the clock beside your bed, it was still only three, you could get at least two hours of sleep if you kicked the boys out of your room soon. "Maybe he's on his period." Tae said, making you smack him as Jin laughed, "yeah maybe." You sighed, unable to hide the yawn that escaped your lips. Tae rubbed your back softly before moving to the edge of the bed and forcing you to lay down. "Get some rest, you clearly need it." Jin said softly, you waved your hand at him, but felt sleep nearly pull you under the second your head hit the pillows. "I don't know what I would do without you guys." You whispered, yawning again as you let your eyes close, feeling the bed move as they both got up, and Jin patted your leg softly. "Probably die."

Your sleep was too short, and it was too cold as your alarm woke you up. You groaned in annoyance as you turned it off, resisting the urge to throw your phone at the wall. Groaning again, you sat up slowly, setting your phone down as you grabbed a pillow and repeatedly hit yourself in the face with it. The last thing you wanted was to be awake right now. Finally sighing in defeat, you set the pillow down and made yourself stand up, shivering as you made your way to the bathroom. You didn't change last night, too tired to care about what you slept in, and that meant your makeup as well. You spent a few minutes splashing your face with cold water and cleaning it until it looked presentable, before finally getting dressed. You grabbed the first outfit you found, thankful you were able to wear clothes for comfort and not business, you were able to wear jeans and a regular shirt. Once you were finally dressed you walked out of the room, sighing as you reached the kitchen, and were startled to see Tae and Jin both awake, the later standing by the stove while Tae sat at the island. "Morning sleeping beauty." Jin said softly, setting a plate of toast next to Tae. "I know you have to go, so I made a to-go bag." He smiled, setting a brown paper bag next to the toast. "You're a life saver." You sighed, smiling appreciatively at him as you set your jacket next to the bag, "I have to go get my shoes, I'll be back around one? Maybe two? You guys got any plans?" You asked, already walking back to your room. "Nope! Days off." Tae yelled. "We should go to lunch!" You yelled back, sliding your shoes on, and grabbing your phone. "Sounds good to me." Tae replied, you heard Jin mumble something as well, and smiled to yourself. Glancing down at your phone you saw a missed call and text from Yoongi from half an hour ago.

"Where are you?"

"Shit." You cursed, standing up quickly and running back to the living room, "gotta go. Thanks for the breakfast, see you guys later." You mumbled hurriedly, thanking Jin as he handed you a thermos of coffee, and helped you collect your things. "Yoongi?" Tae asked, despite already knowing the answer. "Babysitter can't be late." You replied, making him snort softly, you said bye to them again and shut the door, cursing under your breath as you hurried to your car.

"You're not supposed to be here until seven." You told Yoongi, watching him struggle to get out of his car. "What time is it?" He asked, rubbing his eyes irritably as you huffed. "Six. The time I'm supposed to be here. What are you doing?" You asked, watching him shrug. "I woke up here." He mumbled, taking a step forward, and tripping over his feet. You watched him fall to the ground and cursed, setting your things on top of his car and helped him back onto his feet. "You woke up here?" You asked, putting his arm over your shoulder and leading him to the set as he nodded. "Did you drive back here? I watched you leave last night, did you come back for something?" You asked, sitting him in a chair as he groaned. "You." His voice was weak as he mumbled, and you sighed. "Stay here." You told him, before going back to his car and grabbing your things. "Why were you looking for me?" You asked, sitting across from him as he groaned. "I don't know. That's all I remember before waking up in my car here." He answered, and you sighed. "You probably got shitfaced. You look hungover, here." He glanced at you blearily as you held out your thermos for him, he took it and twisted the cap off, sniffing the contents questioningly. "It's not black, but it should help keep you awake, eat this, I need to make a call, the crew will have my head if there's no coffee and donuts this morning." You told him, standing up as you watched him begin eating the breakfast Jin made for you. "There's always coffee and donuts." Yoongi said softly making you scoff. "I know. I pick them up from the bakery, but I couldn't stop by before I got here because I had to come make sure you weren't in the back of a police car." You told him, watching him shrug as you stepped away and called Tae.

"I owe you." You sighed gratefully as Tae and Jin arrived with bags and boxes in their arms, "Well we do still have lunch later right? That'll cover it." Tae smiled cheekily as he helped you set up the table, "what's that?" You asked Jin as he held out a bag for you. "More breakfast. I knew you'd give it to him, and you need to eat too." He said as you smiled, hugging him tightly. "God I really would die without you two." You mumbled, beginning to set the donuts up in their usual position. You suddenly heard a car approach and raised your head, it was still six thirty, nobody was supposed to be here yet, but realization crossed your face as you watched the car park and saw four boys step out. "Those are his roommates." You told Tae and Jin, focusing your attention back on the donuts. "He's back here boys." You yelled loud enough for them to hear, but you heard the footsteps stop close and raised your head in confusion, startled to see them standing on the other side of the table holding boxes of donuts. "Yoongi?" You asked, glancing back at the rapper, who shrugged. "Thank you." You mumbled, taking the boxes from them. "This is so many oh my god." You laughed softly, trying to make room for them all, "well I guess this can be used as a way to say thanks since today's the last day of filming." You shrugged, clearing the trash as you turned back to Yoongi, he was still eating Jin's breakfast and slid money to one of his roommates, making you roll your eyes. "Thank you Yoongi. Now we have enough for everyone to go into a diabetic coma." You laughed softly, making a smile grace his lips for a second. "Thank you guys again, I'm sorry for bothering you." You turned to Tae and Jin, watching them only shrug in response, "it was no problem, honestly." Tae replied, Jin remained silent, his eyes glancing at one of Yoongi's roommates. You rolled your eyes playfully before hugging the both of them, and bidding goodbye as they went back home, soon followed by Yoongi's roommates leaving as well.

"You didn't have to do that you know." You said once it was just the two of you. "You're always cleaning up my messes, take it as a thank you, for everything you do." His voice was soft, and you were almost startled hearing those words pass his lips. He never thanked you for something done indirectly. "Well, thank you." You mumbled, making him snort as you began to drink the coffee Jin had brought. "I just thanked you, and your response is 'thank you'? Okay ___" he laughed, and you felt heat rise to your face, and your stomach flutter. You cringed at the feeling and occupied yourself with setting up the props, you didn't know why he was acting so different towards you, but your hated the way it made you feel. After knowing him for nearly two years, him suddenly not acting like a brat was startling. You just hoped he'd go back to how he usually acts soon. "Do you have any medicine?" Yoongi suddenly asked, making you jump and turn to face him, "umm, like pain killers? Yeah." You nodded, walking over to your purse and grabbing the pill bottle. "Do you have a headache?" You asked, pouring the pills into your hand and grabbing him a water bottle. He nodded, thanking you softly as you handed the items to him. You watched him take the pills and pressed your forearm against his forehead. "Are you getting sick?" You asked, squatting down to look him in the eyes, you put your hands on either side of his face. "You're warm. How do you feel?" You asked, grabbing a towel, putting water on it, and holding it against his head. He didn't reply. His eyes were trained on yours, studying your features, until you snapped him out of it. "F-Fine." He answered, blinking slowly as his eyes trailed from your eyes to your lips. "Take it easy alright? You've still got twenty minutes until things actually start, use the peace and quiet as much as you can, see if you can shut your eyes for a bit." You told him, your eyes meeting his, and you saw an emotion behind his eyes that you couldn't place, and shrugged it off as his hangover. "There's more coffee if you need it. Today's an easy day today. Very little dancing, mostly just the slow scenes. It's scheduled as a six hour day, but if we work well enough, shooting should be done within three hours, and we can take breaks if you need any, just let me know if you start feeling sick okay?" You told him, watching him nod as you stood up. He mumbled something under his breath that you couldn't hear, and you shrugged it off and returned to setting things up.

"And that is a wrap on the music video! Thank you so much to everyone that contributed to making this, it's been a pleasure working with all of you, please, take some donuts on your way out." You laughed as everyone clapped, saying goodbye to each other and packing up their items. "Yoongi, you alright?" You asked, walking over to him as he sat in a chair, fanning himself with your clipboard. He nodded slowly, and you feigned a smile. "See? Just like I said, a three hour day. And we're done. You don't have anything other than editing, but you don't need to be there for that if you’re not up for it, so you have the next week to relax and feel better, use it. Don't be out partying, otherwise this sickness isn't going to go away okay? Tell your roommates to buy soup and painkillers. Until then..." You trailed off, reaching into your bag and pulling out the pill bottle from earlier. "Don't abuse it, it's just light stuff." You told him, making him roll his eyes as he took the bottle from you. "Thank you." He said softly, and you nodded, smiling at him again, before beginning to clean up. Today's clean up was longer as things actually had to be taken, and fully cleaned, but by the end it was just you and Yoongi, and two left over boxes of donuts.

"You okay to drive?" You asked, walking over to him, and holding a donut box out. "Yeah." He nodded, waving it off as he gathered his things, seeming more energized than earlier. "Thank you for earlier." He said softly, setting his car keys on top of the box in his hands. "I know I'm a pain in the ass. But I genuinely do appreciate it. I don't know what I would do without you." He said softly. You couldn't help but smile as you glanced at your feet shyly. "Probably die." You replied, he smiled and nodded his head, "yeah, you're probably right. I'll see you around." He said with a soft laugh, waving as he walked to his car. You watched him leave and sighed, watching his car drive away, and you felt a feeling in your gut you hadn't felt in a long time.

"You're an idiot." Tae scoffed. "I know." You groaned in annoyance, holding your head in your hands, sighing as you glanced back up at the boys sitting across from you. The three of you were at lunch, and you had told them that your feelings for Yoongi were turning from a hatred to more of a caring nature. "You were just telling us you wanted to punch him in the face." Jin reminded you. "I know." You sighed. "And now you're saying that you want to kiss him in the face." He said making you snort softly at his wording. "I know I'm just as irritated at myself as you are, but I don't know, he was just acting really different today, he was being nicer, and thanking me-" "that's toxic." Tae interrupted you, making you sigh. "It's not like he's an asshole that beats me and I'm forgiving him because he gave me a flower. He's just annoying, and he's being really nice now, call it a character arc, he's acting a lot nicer, and I appreciate it." You told them, "you're appreciating it too much." Jin replied, making you sigh for the millionth time. "I'm not saying I'm going to go and suck the guys dick. All I'm saying is, he's acting a lot nicer now, and I'm appreciating it. Okay? That's all." You defended yourself. You saw Tae and Jin share a look before sighing. "Just don't move too fast alright? This isn't just a one night stand that you'll forget, this is also your job, and if things go south, BigHit won't just fire Yoongi, managers are replaceable in the eyes of big corporations." Tae warned you, making you nod slowly and huff as you shoved some of your food in your mouth. "I need new friends that will just condone my stupid habits instead of being smart and warning me of the consequences." You sighed, making Jin roll his eyes as he kicked your leg playfully.

Yoongi's attitude didn't change. It was a month later now, and everything was going smoothly, his music video was done, had been for a few weeks now, and you two were just preparing things for tour, and he was still being nice and friendly. You didn't know what had gotten into him to suddenly make him change his attitude, but you knew one thing, it made your 'want to kiss him' turn into a 'want to have a relationship with him' and even you weren't blind enough to know these were dangerous waters. But as of now, nothing mattered as you danced alongside Jin and Tae. The club you stood in was loud and sweaty, drinks in your guys' hands as you forgot about the next day's duties. "Looky looky." Tae teased, pointing out the entrance where you watched Yoongi and his roommates walk in. "Shut up and tease Jin, I'm getting another drink." You smacked his shoulder playfully before walking over to the bar. You sat on a stool and ordered your drink, watching Yoongi approach as you waited. He didn't see you at first, but his excitement when he did was impossible to not notice. "Hey!" He greeted, smiling wide as he walked over, sitting on the stool next to you. "What're you guys doing here?" You asked, watching him order four drinks and a water. "Boys wanted a night out." He told you, handing the drinks to his roommates, and taking the water for himself. "That's new." You pointed out, watching him shrug. "I'm the driver." He replied, watching you nod understandably. "Yeah that's Jin's duty tonight, I just wanted to drink." You snorted softly, watching Yoongi glance at your roommates. "The pink haired one?" He asked, watching you nod in response. "What's his sexuality, do you know?" Yoongi asked, making your heart drop suddenly, "he uh, he's bisexual. Why?" You asked nervously. "My friend, Namjoon-" he pointed him out. "Has been eyeing him, just curious." He replied making you laugh softly. "That's good, Jin's been eyeing him as well." You told him, making him laugh softly. "Perfect, we'll have to try and find a way to set them up then eh?" He laughed, nudging you softly as you smiled, nodding in agreement. "I have to go to the bathroom can you watch my drink?" You hiccuped, watching him nod, he slid the drink closer to him and you got up, thanking him softly before heading to the bathroom like stated. You sighed at the line, despite expecting nothing less from a crowded bar. You waited your turn and were thankful it went quick, and you were already heading back to where Yoongi sat just a few minutes later. "That was unusually quick." He commented, making you scoff softly as you grabbed your drink. "What you time my bathroom breaks now?" You laughed, taking a sip of your drink as he laughed softly, "no, I just meant for usual bar bathroom times, there's always long lines." He said, making you nod, smiling as you saw Jin smiling as he leaned against the bar, and talked to Namjoon, "How're you feeling?" You asked him, seeing him more spaced out than usual, he sat up slowly and stretched. "I'm fine." He replied, turning to face you. "Just bored." He shrugged, you nodded, pursing your lips, you hesitated, before finishing your drink and standing up, "wanna dance?" You asked, holding your hand out to him, he seemed hesitant, before taking your hand and letting you lead him to the dance floor. He seemed awkward, and unsure what to do as you began to move slowly, smiling encouragingly, he slowly began to dance with you, a smile on his face as you two began to dance with each other, and sway along to the music.

The room was spinning when you woke up. You weren't sure what had happened, and weren't sure why you felt as bad as you did. You had never had a hangover this bad, and groaned as you raised your arm in an attempt to brush your hair out of your face, but found it limp, and it fell onto your face painfully instead. "T-Tae?" You whispered, trying to open your eyes but finding it difficult to. You finally got them open and sighed in relief, your head spinning as you tried to sit up and move properly. After a few more moments you finally found strength, and were able to stand up, but found yourself gripping the dresser for support. Only now, you realized, you were not in your bedroom. You looked around quickly, your head buzzing as you analyzed the room around you, and sighed in relief when you recognized it as Yoongi's, from the many times you dragged him home drunk. The previous nights adventures ran through your mind, and you tried to piece it together as you moved towards the door, hoping you would find answers down the hallway. You groaned at the light and covered your eyes, having to hold onto the wall to keep yourself standing, you finally reached the living room and covered your eyes to block out the light, and sighed in relief when you saw Tae and Jin sitting in the living room. "Jin?" You mumbled softly, taking a step forward, the sound of your voice made all the boys face you, Tae and Jin jumped up off the couch and immediately ran to your side, "Hey, come lay back down." Tae mumbled, leading you back to Yoongi's bedroom, and you were too weak to protest. "What's going on?" You asked, looking at them with confused eyes. "Where's Yoongi? Why are we at his house?" You asked, sitting on the bed slowly. "You need to rest alright? We'll talk later, you need more sleep." Jin said softly, making you lay down as you tried to argue, but your words were mumbled and didn't make sense to even you, sighing in defeat, you acknowledged the tiredness pulling you back under, and heard yourself mumble Yoongi's name as you fell asleep.

"So is everyone going to pretend they can't hear me?" You asked. It was later now, a day after the bar, and you were still in Yoongi's bed, yet he was no where to be found. Namjoon was the victim of your question as he set food down on the bed for you. "I'm not sure I'm the best one to talk to you about it." He mumbled, self consciously wrapping his arms around yourself, but you didn't care who told you, you wanted to know what happened to leave you with little memory of the night and in the bed of the artist you managed. "I don't care, just tell me please, it's really irritating not knowing, and pretty panic inducing when nobody-not even your best friends are talking to you, and you're in someone else's bed, in their clothes." You knew the words hit him hard and he sighed, closing the door softly, and sat on the edge of Yoongi's bed, very hesitant as he tried to find his words. "You and Yoon were dancing...." He started, scratching the back of his neck nervously, "and he had to go make a phone call, so he asked Jin and I to keep an eye on you, because you were acting weird, we just thought you were drunk, and would occasionally glance at you." He explained. Your heart began racing in fear as you twisted your fingers together. "We only looked away for a few seconds, and when we looked back you were walking away with someone. We thought it was Yoongi. Your friend said that you two have gotten a lot closer in the last month and so we assumed you were leaving or-" "Namjoon." You interrupted him, wanting him to get back to the point. "It wasn't. We didn't know who he was. Yoongi said he was coming back inside after the phone call, and he saw him leading you out of the bar, you were barely awake, and were mumbling your friends name. I don't know what happened next, but by the time we made it outside, you were unconscious on the curb and Yoongi was on top of the other guy. We took you away quickly, not knowing what to do, but knowing the police would show up, me and Jin were driving you, and we decided to take you here, it was closer than your house, and we could both keep an eye on you until the others got back. They talked to the police, and the guy is gone, but nobody's heard from Yoongi since. He texted us, telling us to move you to his room, and make sure someone was always with you, and he's been gone since." He finished explaining. Your heart was racing as your stomach turned on itself, and you tried to figure out your emotions. You heard him call Jin's name softly, and soon had your friends comforting you as you tried to wrap your mind around everything.

The apartment was silent as you sat on the couch, still piecing your feelings together. It was a few hours later, later in the evening. Jin and Tae had left to get food, they tried to insist you come, or one of them stay with you, but you wanted alone time, and that's what you had for a little while, until you heard the doorbell ring. You got up slowly, and opened the door, your face falling as you saw Yoongi on the other side of the door, his head low as he held out a pill bottle, the painkillers you had given him during the music video. "Thought you might have a headache." He mumbled, still not meeting your eyes as you grabbed his arm and roughly pulled him into the apartment. "Are you kidding me?" You snapped, making him look up at you in shock. "After everything you tell them to put me in your bed, put me in your clothes, and yet you just disappear? With no trace? And don't bother saying anything o-or even texting?!" You snapped, pushing his chest as he took a deep breath. "I'm not doing this." He spoke calmly, despite the anger radiating off of him, he moved past you and towards the door, tossing the painkillers onto the counter. "No we are doing this because you owe me an explanation!" You snapped, walking over and putting your hand on the door, knowing he could open it despite your attempts if he tried hard enough. "What do you want me to say?!" He snapped turning to face you as his jaw trembled. "What do you want me to do huh? To face you? To talk to you? To pretend it's not my fault? Is that what you want ___? Cause you're not going to get it." He sneered, making your heart drop softly. "Yoongi this isn't your-" "how? How is it not my fault? You left your drink with me. You sat next to me. You danced with me. You trusted me." The last sentence was barely a whisper as he said it, tears welling in his eyes as you swallowed thickly. "You're hurt." You said softly, seeing dried blood on his neck, causing him to scoff as he turned away again. "You can't just walk out on me!" You yelled angrily, "watch me." He snapped, his hand on the door handle as you ran over to him. "I don't know why you're acting like this! We're both fine, and we barely even started being able to tolerate each other a month ago! It's not like we're good friends! You-“ you broke off, not finishing your sentence as it hurt yourself to say. "You don't know why I'm acting like this?" He asked, his voice dangerously low as he turned to face you again.

"I'm sorry, would you rather me go back to who I was? Treating you and everyone else like shit because I hated myself too much and couldn't admit that I was the problem?!" He snapped, making your face fall as you took a step back. "The wannabe frat boy drinking myself to death and fucking hookers cause I didn't want to admit that I was in love with the one girl that I couldn't have?! Is that what you want __?! You want an explanation?! I couldn't face you because I'm in fucking love with you and knowing you got hurt because of me made me not even able to face myself!" He snapped, a tear passing his eyes as you stood speechless in front of him. He scoffed as he turned on his feet again, and opened the apartment door. Before he could step out however, you raced to his side again, and this time when he faced you, you pressed your lips against his. Kicking the door shut you held him closely. He grabbed you suddenly, his fingers digging into your hips as he pulled your body roughly against his, panting against your lips as he lifted you up, you wrapped your legs around his waist and let him carry you to your room. Once in reach he threw you onto the bed, and climbed over you, his hands on either side of your head as he trailed his lips down to your neck, and pulled your shirt off quickly. You were panting underneath him as he kissed along the exposed skin of your stomach, and made his way down to your jeans, kissing above your jean-line as he undid your button and zipper, pulling them down your legs swiftly, you grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back up to you, kissing him messily as you began to undo his belt. He pulled away to take his shirt off, and let his jeans fall to the floor and kick them away, you looked at him above you, reach forward you trailed your fingers along his exposed skin, seeing fresh bruises littering his skin and a healing cut just below his jaw, undoubtedly from the fight Namjoon had explained, you pulled him down, kissing him softly. He smiled against your lips before trailing his down to your neck again, you felt his hand trail down your stomach before he slid his fingers into your panties, and found your clit. You gasped at the sudden feeling and tugged at his hair, feeling him groan against your neck as he began to rub circles on your clit quickly. You moaned and arched your back off the bed, wanting more of him you tried to tell him, but found yourself speechless as he entered a finger inside of you.

You whined at the feeling, pulling his head from your neck to kiss his lips as you moaned. "I'm gonna cum." You whispered, your thighs clenching around his hand, he smiled against your lips and entered another finger, making you whimper in pleasure as he egged you on, his lips still ghosting over yours as he smirked and whispered "good girl." You whined again as he added a third finger, thrusting them inside of you quickly, and curving them, making you gasp as he hit your g-spot. You gripped his shoulders roughly and found yourself moving your hips with him. He drank in your reactions and fastened his pace, swallowing your moans as you gasped, cumming around his fingers, he continued to rub your clit and bring you down from your high until there were tears in the corners of your eyes and you were breathless. "I need you." You didn't care how needy you sounded as you watched him smirk, bringing his fingers to his lips you watched him run his tongue over each of them, making you groan as you quickly undid your bra and threw it across the room, desperate to have him inside you, you pulled your underwear off next, and saw him finally begin to pull his underwear down, his smirk still on his lips as he found himself at the end of the bed, and kissing up your legs slowly. "Don't even think about it." You warned as he reached your thighs, paying extra attention to the soft skin on the insides of your thighs, you gasped as you felt a sharp pain, and saw him smirk and run his tongue over the bite mark, and you couldn't deny the heat it caused in your stomach. "Yoongi I swear to god-" you were cut off as he put his hand on your pussy again, his fingers teasing the folds as you whined. "Desperate, are we?" He teased, loving your reactions, he continued to slowly move his fingers, taunting you as he ran them along your slit slowly. "I'm going to kill you." You whispered breathlessly, making him laugh, and only egging him on more. "Easy, you're going to get what you want, I'm just having my fun. I can't help it, your reactions are fucking amazing." He smiled, kissing your stomach again, making you whine impatiently. He finally gave in, and moved his position, so he was now hovering over you, and kissed your lips softly. "You're so goddamn beautiful." He whispered, putting his hand on your cheek, and running his thumb over your bottom lip. "Now's not the best time to go soft on me Yoongi." You whispered, desperate for him to fuck you.

"I know, but it's rude to be looking at art and not appreciate the beauty of it." He hummed, letting his hand trail back down to your clit and rub slow circles on it. "Shut the fuck up and fuck me already." You panted, hating the stupid smirk on his stupid face as he peppered your face in kisses. "As you wish Jagiya." He whispered, giving you a soft wink, before lining himself with you, you felt him rub the tip of his cock slowly along your pussy, allowing it to collect your wetness and make his entry easier, you waited impatiently, and gasped as you felt him slowly push in. He only took seconds to bottom out, and stilled to let you adjust. "Holy fuck." You panted out, your mind in a haze and at a loss of words as you nodded at him, telling him it was okay to move. He leaned down and kissed you softly as he pulled out, before pushing back in. Still moving slowly as you panted against his lips, whimpering as his pace quickened. "Fuck." Yoongi gasped, groaning quietly as he sped up his thrusts, kissing you more passionately now as he stuck with his pace, driving both of you wild as you panted breathlessly into each other mouths. "Fuck..." You whined, gripping his shoulders tightly as he trailed his mouth down your body, focusing on your boobs, you felt him kiss along them before taking a nipple between his teeth, and teasing it, the sensation driving you wild as you moaned his name along with a string of cuss words. You felt one of his hand snake along your waist, feeling every inch of your skin as he leaned up to kiss you again. "Goddamn you're so perfect." He panted, brushing the hair out of your face to admire it. "You're not so bad yourself." You laughed softly, running your fingers through his hair, and letting out a high pitched whine as he hit your sweet spot. "God I'm not going to last long." You warned him, pulling him down to you as you kissed him roughly, "Good." He whispered, panting as he kissed along your body again, and his fingers found your clit again. He rubbed quick circles on it as you moaned, crying out his name as you came around him, your legs clamping down around his waist, you heard him whisper a string of curse words, before moaning loudly as he came inside of you. You panted tiredly as he stilled, his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat as his head hung low. You brushed his bangs out of his face, feeling him pull out and lay on the bed next to you. No sounds other than your breathing were made for a minute, until you laughed suddenly, your heart racing as you turned to face him, his face horror struck as you put your hand on his cheek.

"I love you too." You whispered, watching relief flood his features as he smiled, "I'm sorry, for being such a little bitch." He whispered, making you snort and shake your head. "It's fine. If I hated you I wouldn't of stuck around this long." You mumbled. He grabbed your hand off his cheek and kissed it softly, before leaning forward and kissing your lips. You smiled softly and kissed back, running your fingers through his hair as he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours and blinking slowly. "Do you want cereal?" You asked suddenly, making him burst out laughing as you smiled. "I haven't eaten much today and there's cereal in the kitchen and I really want some." You laughed softly, and he shook his head playfully. "Okay." He sat up slowly. "Let's go get some cereal then."

You two had only been in the kitchen for a few minutes when the door opened, and you watched Tae and Jin walk in, stopping suddenly as they saw Yoongi. "Fucking finally." Tae laughed, making you and Yoongi blush as you stared down at your cereal shyly, reaching over, you grabbed Yoongi's hand and smiled at him, and he smiled back, and in that moment, Yoongi and his smile was all that mattered to you.

#BTS Angst #BTS Fanfic #Namjoon #Seokjin #Yoongi #Taehyung #Hoseok #Jimin #Jungkook #BTS Imagine #Bangtan #BTS

38 notes · View notes

theskygivesmelife · 3 years ago

Text

"I am the master of my fate,"

How ironic that a poem about self control uses this very phrase, whilst ignoring the fact that fate, or destiny actually imply that there can never truly be any control, for all is predetermined from the beginning of time.

...

I'd say we don't. Nonexistence is a superior state of existence in my opinion.

...

First things first: you don't love me, so stop saying you do. Even if you genuinely believe you do, you'll understand what I mean.

With that said, for the love of God can you stop messaging me? Not on WhatsApp because I will have *deleted* it, and not on Android messages because I can't respond as I don't have any balance. I use my phone only for music or gaming mainly anyway. Speaking of which, I thought I did make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. When was the last time we did talk? Right, your birthday. I don't remember ever being that drained after talking to you. Honestly, it was a pain—was it for you too? I guess that's what happens as one becomes truly apathetic. Seriously, I don't know who you're still trying to contact, but that person's dead. Well, not literally unfortunately, but if you do want to talk to some tired, disillusioned soul I'm still here I guess. As I mentioned, your little I love yous at the end don't really hold, because, you know, you're really just refering to the wrong person. For the record, I've started to think that not only am I incapable of loving, but am also incapable of being loved.

Anyhow, lets just say that if I were Jekyll then I'm Hyde now. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm responding to you. The "fuck her, why give a damn?" voices have been quite loud for some time. Well, I don't think of you all the time, so "fuck the world" might seem more apt as a generalisation. Back to the point: some time ago I'd have actually cared, but I don't give a shit now about anything.

I'll say it now: I don't think it'll ever be a good enough reason for you. I don't think any reason ever will. You'll probably still try to convince me to maintain contact, even though it's so horribly one sided. Well, I just couldn't care less for the most part. It'd probably be good if you wouldn't waste your time on me though. I mean, let's be real. You're not going to get my number once out if this country. Even if you miraculously did, you'd certainly make some replacement friends in college without the downsides that I have, so it'd be pointless. I know you won't listen anyway, and I said that I don't care either. So why am I even trying? I don't know.

If you'll remember I've tried to shut you out multiple times. It's funny now, ~because I feel absolutely nothing now.~ Quite often in the past I'd feel quite regretful or guilty, but now? Heh, just an emotionless robot just moving along now. Going through the motions you know. Still, if there's one thing I should mention, it's that I never lied to you when I said some sentimental crap like caring about you and such. Whoever I was back then, he genuinely ment it. And now, it seems like my wick is shorter than I imagined. It's going to burn up quick. You know what that means? Garima, it means peace at last. So, let me have my time now. I still dream of that little cottage far away, secluded from society. No-one for company. Okay, a cat and a dog. They'll be nice. A drum kit. Video games maybe? What'll I do? Electrician perhaps? Mechanic? Just so long as it isn't a crappy 9-5 job, and actually pays my bills. No people. No friends—do I really have any? No girlfriend—I don't want one (not asexual, but I'm not as horny as you I guess), and I doubt I'm capable of forming a proper relationship anyway. No family—I never had one to begin with. Can you imagine it? All alone and blissful. Just let me be. Please. One way or another, I'm gone. I'm actually feeling sad now typing this, tears in my eyes and all (I haven't cried in forever) but you shouldn't be. You've got a long, long way to go; you'll do well anyway. I don't know what I really was to you, or what I've done to you. I know that I was a hard person to deal with. I can't really list out all the times I've failed you; I hope you will forgive me for them. Believe me when I say that if there was ever I person I really tried to keep happy as often as I could, it was you.

" *Bye, stay healthy and happy* "

I won't—I can't.

Bye.

PS. Nice songs. I still appreciate music I guess, unless it's a really bad day.

...

[8/18/2018, 12:03 AM] Prathik: It seems not. Oh well, I was hoping I could talk one last time. Silly of me; you're probably either sleeping or studying for tomorrow's — should I say today's? — test.

[8/18/2018, 12:57 AM] Prathik: You know, I've been thinking: what if I wanted to talk to you one day? Would you then be ready to hold conversation? I think you would, but that doesn't strike me as fair. I mean you say that you'll miss me, but that's something you'll just have to take in your stride. On the contrary, if I miss you, then I try contacting you, and in all likelihood you'll just respond. What do you think?

[8/18/2018, 1:44 AM] Prathik: Maybe you're free tonight? I just want to talk; I don't know what I'm even doing now. Ugh I can't even explain it without sounding like some self pitying shithead. Forget it. I'm sorry

[8/18/2018, 12:42 PM] Prathik: Seriously, the very dynamics of our interactions are messed up. Everything is based on my mood and how I'm feeling. Don't want to talk? No problem! I'll go silent. Depressive episode? No problem! I'll go silent. It's like I can literally choose what and when we get to converse. Tired of our conversations? No problem! I'll just stop talking to you. And all you say is that you'll miss me. Sure, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but bloody hell — why didn't you ever call me out for my behaviour? Gee, we screwed up...so many flaws and nothing was even done about them.

Yes, I'm ranting. I'll say stupid things, and maybe hurtful things too. If I were completely aware of what it is that sounded like that, then I wouldn't be saying them. Not that it's an excuse for saying anything I shouldn't. You probably shouldn't take anything personally, because in all likelihood, I'll probably just be projecting.

[8/18/2018, 12:52 PM] Prathik: Oh shit, I really need psychological help don't I? Do you think that if I got better, I'd finally stop sabotaging all the relationships I have?

[8/19/2018, 12:19 AM] Prathik: Goodbye

[8/19/2018, 2:25 PM] Prathik: Okay, I'll just leave this here. Just one last thing. I honestly am doubting my mental stability: I'd wager that I'm fairly unstable in general and more so at this point. My mood seems to swing like a fucking pendulum, and for whatever reason, I have and possibly might keep spouting unnecessary shit. So please, just *IGNORE EVERYTHING* I say. *EVERYTHING.* Except this one last message. Please. It's all I ask.

[8/19/2018, 2:54 PM] Prathik: I'm also not going to be using WhatsApp anymore — no point now right? — so I guess you'll be spared if having to reply to anything.

...

[8/8/2018, 10:24 PM] Prathik: Bloody hell, always nice to me even though I don't deserve it. Can't just go study like you ought to or talk to anyone else? You've got tons of friends after all. Perhaps one day they'll give you a consolation prize saying "good effort; hard luck" and maybe then you'll see how you're just wasting your time. Whatever. It's not like I can control you or force you to behave in a certain manner. Stupid world. Just leave me be

[8/8/2018, 10:52 PM] Prathik: I don't even know why you don't give in. I mean, what am I to you? Some depressed idiot that makes you feel better about yourself? I don't think that's the narrative you've sold to me, so that's probably not the reason.

It's kinda like you're an ant running against the wind. Not any wind, though, just that which is being blown by some sadistic little kid. It keeps running into it. Over and over it tries and fails. The wind keeps pushing it back, but the ant doesn't see how futile it's attempts are. It doesn't see that despite the fact that it keeps trying, nothing's going to change. It has so many other avenues of exploration, ones that would certainly lead to a great reception from the colony, but oh no. The ant keeps running, hoping that the resistance will decrease. Eventually the boy just blows harder, and the ant flies away and lands on its back. (Good thing it has an exoskeleton.) Only then does it see how pointless its efforts were, and that they were better off invested somewhere else.

...

You know how people throw that fucking annoying platitude around? That things will get better? Doesn't happen. It's no different in its progression from a physical illness, and once you go beyond a certain stage you're only living on fumes at that point. Limited time. But it'll get better they say. Fucking hell, it can also get worse, but who's willing to actually concede that bleak truth?

...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm just getting worse mentally. I mean, I set the suicide date for when I'm 25. It's only kept dropping. I started considering pushing it to college years, and now I'm genuinely pondering whether I should just drop out of college like when I'm 19 or so and be done with it — at least I won't have to wonder about how you'll come meet me in USA lol. I'm also drawing more blanks in tests. It's not like I don't know, it's just making me more and more anxious. Like the psychology UT we had just some time ago. I left 12 marks because it seemed to easy to be true and I thought I was wrong. I got 17.5 . And meeting people, ugh. Worse than ever. Sure I'm introverted, but at this rate I'm practically going to become a hermit. My ability to function like a sane person is waning, and it's actually quite clear. It's makes me awe struck and horrified at the same time seeing how someone is so capable of self sabotage. Yeah, I don't think I was made for this world. Just one big mistake that hasn't been taken care of yet.

...

Oh, if you haven't listened to it already, you really should listen to Heroes by David Bowie. Please do, if you haven't yet. Just this one song.

...

[6/28/2018, 12:13 AM] Prathik: I love you.

[6/28/2018, 12:14 AM] Prathik: ^ I just felt like saying that.

...

You don't get it. I don't know for sure that you like talking to me. Yes, you've said so so many times that I've lost track. I'd be lying if I said that it were enough to convince me. It isn't; you can't do anything to change my perception of myself, and sometimes I'll project, being the idiot I am after all. There's never going to be a time when I can the voice that says you're you're just using me for some kicks or something to shut up. That doubt will never go, and every time you say something like that, I'll make sure to interpret it as evidence that even you don't care, that you just let your guard down. You can't ever really make me satisfied or happy, so don't throw away any more of your time actually trying to justify anything. If you know that what you've done is fine, then it's fine.

...

[6/12/2018, 8:51 PM] Prathik: Speaking of which, it's interesting that you brought up the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Not that I really addressed it well when you originally meantioned it. It does make me wonder, are the dynamics of the way we interact with each other actually healthy? Perhaps we're just fucking each other in the ass and not even realising it? While it's a possibility that I consider, you should know that I don't think the second one is too probable. All the same, it's bothersome enough to actually consider pondering over. Funny, though, how I've just turned a blind eye to it; best relationship you've had you say. Pretty much the same for me, I suppose that's why I've not considered anything that suggests contrary to that opinion.

You know, we never did our cliched apologies. I'm not sure what exactly to apologise for; however, I don't have any qualms admitting that I did fuck up. I'm not sure it makes any sense to apologise for going silent for a month. Honestly, while I did miss you, I'm not sure of how much I actually regret it. Heck, if I hadn't misunderstood your message and not responded... Moreover, what's the point of saying sorry for something I've done multiple times and might do again anyway? It probably does defeat the purpose of it. I do regret making you angry though. I'm not too proud of getting you pissed off, I honestly am sorry about that. That conversation just didn't go the way I'd have liked it to I guess...

[6/12/2018, 8:53 PM] Prathik: Also, is it just me or have things between us changed? I mean, the one month silence probably did more harm than good. It'd have probably been better had I never done anything, or had not stupidly misinterpreted what you said and stayed silent after all. I don't know, I'm not saying it has anything to do with you anyway. I know who's responsible if something is wrong after all.

[6/12/2018, 10:04 PM] Prathik: Oh, today I mixed NaOH with NH4Br, boiled it and inhaled it. I also had to do some speaking for a group activity in English, and I didn't really fuck it up at all or get shaky knees

Just saying. Anyway, which Tapasya acquaintances are you still in touch with?

[6/12/2018, 10:42 PM] Prathik: Oh look, they just killed off net neutrality in USA. Fucking Ajit Pai. As if he didn't have an incredibly punchable face to begin with.

...

[6/10/2018, 10:05 AM] Prathik: If you say so. Read at your own inconvenience.

Since I'm idiotic enough, I decided to read more of the dude's articles. Lost a ton of brain cells. Also, don't read the comments. Nutty, the lot of them.

[6/10/2018, 11:00 AM] Prathik: "The power of propaganda always surprises me. Only 30 years ago, homosexuality was almost universally condemned, and now it’s accepted in half the world and half the States. Clearly, the natural position worldwide is that homosexuality is a disorder, and should be condemned. The problem is, we lost the youth. Somehow, homosexual advocates were able to brainwash and indoctrinate them into accepting it. If you talk to anyone my age, they believe that homosexuality poses no health risks (homosexuals have a 5 times higher chance of getting HIV) and that they are born as homosexuals (despite no scientific evidence.) IMO this is a result of two things: homosexual propaganda (esp. through the internet) and the collapse of the traditional marriage model. The parents simply haven’t taught their children about Christianity and thus they are easy prey for the homosexual movement.

Honestly, I am very pessimistic and I feel that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. More and more ‘Christians’ are accepting this behavior day by day and it’s heartbreaking."

Has to be the most ironic things I've ever read. Talks about propaganda and indoctrination, but completely turns a blind eye to how he's become what he is.

[6/10/2018, 6:29 PM] Prathik: And now, I've realised that I could have actually spent my time better by talking to you on the phone as you suggested. Not that I studied one bit as I planned to do.

...

[6/9/2018, 1:56 AM] Garima Joshi: Bye now, love you.

[6/9/2018, 1:57 AM] Prathik: Bye. Love you.

...

if I could really recover from the depressed, socially anxious, and suicidal person I am today, believe me I'd let you know immediately. I promise.

...

[3/20/2018, 3:01 AM] Garima Joshi: I know you said you were tired. Thanks for sticking around. Always great talking to you.

[3/20/2018, 3:02 AM] Prathik: It's always fun talking to you. So.. yeah. Do we say goodnight or goodmorning at this point?

[3/20/2018, 3:03 AM] Prathik: Yeah. Stay safe in Delhi will you? Bye.

[3/20/2018, 3:04 AM] Garima Joshi: I'll try, I'll try.

Have a good day (today)

Bye, love you.

[3/20/2018, 3:06 AM] Prathik: I thought you said cheesy stuff were grossing you out...

I'm sorry, did I sound a little overprotective?

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Garima Joshi: Okay Patrick I love you v much but I'll find you a wife tomorrow, for now you need those 2 hours 58 minutes of beauty sleep to rope in all those women

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Prathik: Lulz. Fine. Love you too.

0 notes