#yeah we were friends for a few months at that point iirc but we weren't really Close yknow

[batteriesandflashlights]

too biromantic to be fully comfortable just calling myself aromantic, too aromantic to be fully comfortable just calling myself biromantic, just unconventional enough to finally confront this as a result of me writing askewniverse fanfic of all things. *hbomberguy voice* remember when that was the point of my research?

[alt255]

shuuenpro truly will haunt me forever and like. obviously I'm fine with it being this way tbh . Uhm. But I've been thinking a lot lately, I guess, about how my motivations for staying with Shuuen are influenced primarily by what I've gained from its community. i.e. the reasons why I remain a shuuen no shiori fan are far more social in nature than any other interest I've ever had

I mean. from the very beginning, (for me, February 2019) it was already different because I was entering an interest that most people didn't seem to care for anymore . and I'm sure I at least had some level of awareness for this, that I was getting into something post-mortem. I just didn't think I'd get attached to the point that I Needed to talk about it with other people, y'know? So! around 4PM on February 11th, 2019, I gave the first couple of songs a proper listen, and then started reading the first light novel.

...and then, about 4 hours later, I made a group chat trying to get a few friends to read Shuuen no Shiori, because uh. Yeah.

uhm. and I was definitely doomed after 48 hours, because then I had actually finished reading light novel 2, which re:wired my brain and would remain my favorite light novel for years

but! around like 6-7 days in, I think things Really started to ramp up for me. because I had read just about every translation that I could find at the time out there, and made this hilariously desperate-sounding tweet that has aged incredibly well .

I also was becoming increasingly aware that it was becoming an obsession! Yeah. at some point I remember literally warning people that this was the only thing I expected myself to be talking about for months. at the same time, my Need to connect to people over shuuenpro only grew. I wanted to talk to people about shuuenpro So Fucking Badly.

and if there wasn't an easily discoverable space for it, then I had two options: give up the interest, or Make a space.

So. about a month in, after meeting/gathering enough people who were at least acquainted / knew of shuuen no shiori, I made a Discord server, which was possibly the best decision of my life. soon, I had turned 15 years old.

I was a baby shuuenpro fan. most people who joined the server were older than me and had already known of shuuenpro for years... which was admittedly a bit scary to me! but I already had a lot of passion for shuuen, and I would do anything just to find a community for it. So, somehow, I started to find one there.

around 3 months later, I uhm, organized my first Shuuen-related event: an art week during the summer (Week of Demise 2019)! But I was still very anxious at the time and (for some reason afraid of tumblr?), so while i announced it on twitter/discord, feya was the one who posted it here iirc. In the following years (2020-2021), I would become confident enough to make the announcements myself

the second half of 2019 is a bit of a blur for me, but in a good way, really. I think by some point we had around 100 members in the server. I got to meet and talk to a lot of people, and by the end of the year, I had basically found a home. and I felt genuinely so. comfortable and good about this.

and then came the need to be helpful to people, which led to the creation of a shuuenpro guide on carrd. November 2019. because there weren't really any completely up-to-date masterposts on the series I could find at the time, I made one myself. which became used a lot over the years, I think? my website now is one of the top search results for shuuenpro, so I'd say it's notable enough

I think just. what makes shuuenpro so special to me really is that it marked the first time I ever tried to actively engage with a community outside of a small circle of friends. and just how fucking awesome and good it felt to be able to organize stuff for that, to help contribute resouces and try to like. encourage revived or new interests in the series. to feel like I'm a part of something bigger. like simply being passionate about something could lead to so much .

like yes, of course I care a lot about the unresolved mysteries of shuuen, as many others do, but I think being able to participate in discussions about them (even if we would never reach an actual conclusion) is such a big part of the fun. all of those theories that we can never affirm or debunk, but being able to collaboratively contribute more and more points to them, or derive new ones from old ones, no matter how ridiculous or absurd they actually were, etc. It's just. Fun. even now I find myself looking back at messages and going. Oh my god. I missed this. we should do this again.

I am grateful to Shuuen no Shiori, but I think what I really mean what I say that is that I really am grateful to all the people I've met while in the fanbase. All of the important connections I've formed and strengthened, all of the ways through the community that I've learned to better myself—as a person, as a leader, etc. A lot of the improvement to my mental health in early high school could be attributed to the Shuuenpro community, I swear. And there are valuable skills I've picked up and projects I've pursued all originating from a love for Shuuen no Shiori, and a love for a community that I've wanted to give back to.

because I also found so much of myself in the community. I came out of it with a new favorite animal, a new favorite color, new hobbies—goddamn it, Shuuenpro was how I discovered my gender identity, among other things. 😭 I learned a lot about myself, basically! and I might even go as far to say that like. I don't think I would really be a programmer (or at least, as good of one), and I definitely wouldn't be as interested in archiving data and creating resources in the first place, if I wasn't so inspired by shuuen

In other words, Shuuen no Shiori made me.

so a love letter isn't enough, really. 1,713 love letters isn't enough, either. it's just. not.

I'm here because I want to be here, because even if I joined later than most people, I feel like I've found a true place to belong. This is my home. No matter what happens, as long as there is a community here, as long as there are people who still love this series, I too will love it. I'll take my own love for it to the grave. I won't forget it.