#yeah that's what i needed andy ballin for

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hello doubleeye nation

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Week 3 Power Rankings

Dylan has written some truly wonderful content for us this week, so I’ve decided to keep my comments fairly brief and mostly spend time making dank (translation: terrible) OC to go along with his writeups.

12. Caddyshack Name Incoming (0-3, last week #11)

Call them Phil, because they're an abomination that doesn't deserve to be alive. It's not worth discussing the talent and potential here anymore because it just hasn't shown up. The lowest scoring team and the only winless team. All of the reasons for optimism are still on the team and healthy, but at this point, there just isn't any reason left to be optimistic. The good news here: Each of our last two #12 teams have gone on to have dominant victories the following week. 

Sorry Bowers, really not looking too great.  At least now we know why the champions always used to leave the league after they won. 

11. The Memes of Production (1-2, last week #10)

Call them Dylan's writing, because they've been mostly terrible but have occasionally been terrific. A very strong week 2 has been outweighed by terrible weeks 1 and 3. They could have won here, as they sat TY Hilton and could have won had he played over any of their other receivers. Sure, there's some bad luck here if they meant to play him, but that still would have just meant a mediocre performance en route to victory, and part of fantasy football is properly setting your lineup. 

Andy chose to bench TY Hilton and now Jason is saying “ty. That hilped a ton!”  It’s past midnight. I’m sorry.

10. Team Calm Down Will (2-1, last week #12) 

Call them Rick Porcello, because their win/loss record in a small sample is hiding the fact that they're actually not very good. They're among the lowest in the league in points scored, they still can't field two capable running backs from week to week, and we still don't expect the winning to continue. RIP Greg Olsen and David Johnson. 

Arielle proves the theory that even blind squirrels can find nuts, but fails to prove if Stevie Wonder is actually blind.  Mostly wanted to take this opportunity to say congrats on Blake Bortles ballin’ out in London.  As Steve Smith said “...........MATE!”

9. Chicken Winnigish (1-2, last week #9) 

Call them Geoffrey's son Frederick, because they were much better off abandoning Geoffrey (YEAH I SAID IT). Russell Wilson finally performed, and the Cooks-Gronk combo looked great. They actually got some good RB performances from their bench, so if they could actually figure out how to set a lineup, they might find themselves climbing in the power rankings. 

Winner winner chickenish dinner.  Evan’s win is sponsored by Purdue Chicken Tendies, because nothing quite says chickenish like biting into a juicy Purdue Chicken Breast.  Mazel on finding Geoffrey, he was inside your heart all along. 

8. Freaky Frogadier (1-2, last week #8) 

Call them the New York Mets, because this team is way too reliant on resources that aren't actually available to them. They finally got in the win column and they'll finally have Doug Martin back soon, and maybe Andrew Luck soon after, but for now, 16.7 points is absolutely terrifying. With no depth, and with their RB's looking inconsistent, they might belong lower than this. 

These freaky frogs are out there looking like crazy frogs! 

A ring ding ding ding ding A Ring Ding Ding Dingdemgdemg A ring ding ding ding ding Ring ding Baa-Baa

7. Confused Pandas (1-2, last week #4) 

Call them the Dark Knight trilogy, because their first showing was promising but left something to be desired, their second performance was terrific, and their third performance was an utter disappointment. The good news is that they could have won had they played what ended up being their best lineup. The bad news is that Martavis Bryant just isn't ready to be started, Travis Kelce increasingly seems to have lost his damn mind, and they had an underwhelming performance despite superstar outings from Larry Fitzgerald and Odell Beckham. This team has had our largest swing in the standings in each of the last two weeks, so it's anybody's guess what happens from here.

If I were a cruel man I would remind Samantha that this is what happens when you doubt Todd Gurley, the almighty Todd Godd smites your RBs.  Instead, I’ll offer my condolences and assure her that her team is good enough to be a contender.

6. From Whentz We Came (3-0, last week #5) 

Call them the 2015 Carolina Panthers, because they might be the worst undefeated team of all time. Probably the toughest team to rank, just because you hate to move down a team that went to 3-0. But they're the 3rd lowest scoring team in the league. In fact, if every team played every team every week (a decent way of removing the impact of strength of schedule), they'd be a bottom 4 team. The good news is, the wins still count all the same, so just like those Panthers they may be able to make some adjustments, fix some problems, and make a run at the title. 

Respect for the 3-0 start.  I’ve got concerns about whether or not the squad will last at the top of that division, but CMac is now one of the only functioning players on the Panthers, so that’s gotta count for something.

5. Phil Awoke My Sexuality (1-2, last week #7) 

Call them Don't Trust The B In Apartment 23, because they have a very offputting name and are much better than they seem (note: I never actually watched this show and am going entirely off of critical review). They had yet another tough opponent this week, but were finally able to come away with their first victory. The #2 RB and TE spots are both areas of legitimate concern, but it was good to see this team finally get on the board and catch a bit of a break, and we think it will continue. 

This seems like a good spot for Harnsowl.  AJ Green has finally rewarded Harnsowl’s loyalty, just like Phil will eventually reward Gaelin’s loyalty.  Normally I woulda photoshopped Gaelin here, but I don’t want to enable Phil’s office cyberbullying and warped reality, so you’re stuck with this weird AJ Green thing.

4. Walsh Me Nae Nae (1-2, last week #2) 

Call them Lost, because it's possible we're being entirely too forgiving of their current situation based on their early dominance and overall strong body of work. It's tough to make the #2 scoring team in the league drop this far, but we can't keep giving them credit for just how dominant they were in week 1. For the second straight week they played Crowell over Chris Thompson, and while it may have been the logical decision, this time it cost them a victory. Sure, some of it is a tough schedule, but they need to find a way to turn things around. 

Walsh, I’m only taking this tone with you because I care.  I’m not mad, just disappointed.  Isaiah Crowell sucks.  Stop playing him. 

3. Watch Me Not TV (2-1, last week #1) 

Call them 24 after Season 2, because we still think they can be terrific but it may not be possible for them to get back to their peak. Yes, they could have won with slightly better luck in their lineup decisions, as playing Dez over Kelvin Benjamin, Duke Johnson over Buck Allen, or just about any available defense over Tampa Bay, and we think that should fix itself moving forward. But in a league with some truly standout performances this week, the actual results have to be the difference between #1 and #3. 

Nico imma say what we’re all thinking, playing Dez Bryant woulda won you the week.

2. Primo Content (2-1, last week #3) 

Call them Roman Polanski, because even though it makes us feel disgusting we still have to admit that they're doing great work. They're the #1 scoring team in the league, and if it weren't for the fact that they just lost to the #1 team, we'd probably have them in that spot. Considering they did this without Randall Cobb, this team is absolutely frightening. 

Gonna use my spotlight to apologize to Phil for ruining his undefeated season for a second consecutive year.  Sorry man.

1. Blastoise Brigade (3-0, last week #6) 

Call them Fast Five, because they shot up to truly elite status practically out of nowhere. Cook, Diggs, Gurley, and Jordy all look terrific, and they won while leaving 12 points on their bench at QB. If they can overcome their love of horrendous QB's and defenses, this team will be an absolute force to be reckoned with.

Happy and humbled to be here, but let’s get real for a second.  The wins are nice, they’re fine and great, but nothing feels better than the satisfaction of knowing all this time irrationally loving Todd Gurley and Stefon Diggs has paid off.  Will it continue to do so? I don’t really know, but I do know the validation feels so nice.