#yeah that's a 90s betsey johnson skirt

[violenceviolence-rp]

Human Wally headcanons?

You're really indulging me here, it's appreciated haha. Since ya didn't specify which flavor of Fleshy Wallace, have both:

Wood-Cursed-with-Humanhood ("Meaty Wally")

- the beginning of the end of his years-long cat-and-rat game with Jimmy, who was able to level up his Trashy Magician skills by temporarily becoming a wooden puppet again with Slappy's assistance (Slaps was in on the "prank" part but mostly just finds mannequin Jimbo hot)

- closer to an alchemical homunculus rather than a true human, either way he's mortal and experiencing magical impotence for the first time ever because he's now made of meat, not Kanduu's coffin

- honestly between Mahar reincarnating his timber & remains as a living dummy and O'James metaphysically neutering him with an even more unnatural mortality, he's feeling targeted as fuck and spitting anti-Irish epithets that haven't been used for decades

- FURIOUS about being only 4' tall and convinced that Jimmy made him short to mock him, but the Trashy Magician isn't that skilled, Wally is just in the habit of blaming him for everything and can't stand the shoe being on the other foot for once

- easily restrained now that he lacks the supernatural strength of all his victims, or however I decide his necromantic power works--still bites and has a low centre of gravity working to his advantage, much to Jimmy's annoyance, but is also susceptible to being kicked in the crotch despite not having balls, and petty vengeance is sweeter than cake if you ask Jimmy

- off-puttingly cool for a human (think room-temp steak) in the same way his normal body is off-puttingly warm for a doll

- gets food poisoning a lot because he still eats raw meat & cat food; disappointed to learn vomiting just hurts as opposed to the quasi-climax that usually accompanies a geyser of horrible fluid

- he was always handsy with Slappy, but now he's downright cuddly--embarrassing as hell but Slaps ain't complainin ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

- HATES that he wants to ride Jimmy like a unicycle & takes all of this frustration out on Slappy wherever his slave is most likely to walk in on them--again, Slaps ain't complainin

- Jimmy eventually follows through with a long-standing threat after too many instances of waking up to Wally humping his face (old habits die hard) and transfigures him into a cat, and wouldn't you know, one of those free spay/neuter traveling clinics happens to be in the neighborhood...C'mon, be honest, what would you do? Turning him back to a human-adjacent thing results in mild body-horror-comedy (supernumerary nipples) that thoroughly revolts everyone, and once he's back to normal, Horrors Below, he's no longer got the tentacle. Do ya know how many tongues and dicks have gone into that beastly thing? Seriously, he lost count sometime in the 1950s--it's gonna take decades of hunting to get back half of what he had, and that bastard magician is starting to look pretty damn tasty.

Wallace Punch (Totally Mundane Human AU)

- "For the last time Woofles, I'm not an 'egg' I'm a trap! Quit tryna convert me!"

- /b/tard since 2005 (big sis showed him how to use a VPN to pirate shit when he was 12, she kind of regrets it)

- actually his older sister is the one family member he respects & he's only half-joking when he says it's because she "isn't tainted by our loser parents' genes"; as kids they all enjoyed playing "guess which kid is adopted" with strangers (Wallace is the odd redhead among 4 brunettes, genetics are weird)

- doesn't mind being 5' (little spoon privileges) but always bitching about the "discrimination" he faces as a switchy manlet

- ...is a rubbish top anyway, total two-pump chump without meth & honestly a pillow princess at heart

- stereotypical "film bro" whose main takeaways from flicks like Fight Club & A Clockwork Orange are "I need to step up my wardrobe and learn how to hotwire a car"

- does weird shit with food, not always sexual, just seems to enjoy making a nauseating mess; occasionally his show involves bathing in a clear acrylic clawfoot tub filled with spaghetti & meat sauce, which is an Ordeal to set up but the man has some dedicated groupies

- "What’s better than getting a pretty girl to laugh? Getting a pretty girl to peg you ♡"

- hates cooking after having to work in his dad's chippy for all of 3 years as a teenager, pretty much lives off of convenience store sausages & frozen pizza with friggin beans on it, if not for copious amounts of canned pineapple he'd definitely have scurvy

- negates the intended purpose of all that pineapple (if ykyk) by smoking cigars like a chimney--started stealing mom's Dunhills at the tender age of 10, which stunted his height and kickstarted his ambiguous behavioral/emotional disorders...Wally nerfing himself sure is a recurring theme huh

- pretty decent at using a swazzle and keeping a straight face while saying the most obscene nonsense through it

- mutually disowned his father and considers himself "the superior Mr. Punch"--any version of Wally is just like "fuck you, dad"

- admits that it's probably for the best he's allergic to alcohol

- remarkably, the worst thing he's ever gotten/passed on was the clap

- the first time he visited the United States and had iced tea he accused the server of trying to poison him

- also got punched in the mouth in a NYC pizzeria after making a 9/11 joke because someone called him a freak for requesting friggin beans as a topping, but wasn't too concerned because in his experience, teeth grow back (artistic license hyperdontia, okay?)

- dislikes most animals but adores horses, even the homeliest pony turns this man to pudding; actually capable of turning on the charm when it suits him, Wallace adopts a totally different persona (& fake name) around the handful of posh equestrian chums he's manipulated over the years for the express reason of riding their horses, in truth considering these "friends" to be annoying idiots; almost gets banned from one club for wearing fringed holstein cowhide chaps he got in Texas

- can't decide how he dies. On the one hand it could be satisfying to play his "redemption arc" straightish by letting him grow old and mellow a bit and maybe even mature enough to have some shame when he reflects on his youthful foibles, on the other hand it's much funnier & more fitting if his last words are "Oh sod off" as a double-decker bus takes him out because he didn't look both ways before crossing the street