#yeah i'm back on my s4 trans cub bullshit sorry not sorry

[convexicalcrow]

Cub gazed at his reflection in the purity pool, wishing it wasn't showing him what he was currently seeing, which was the face that lived underneath the mask, a face he often refused to acknowledge. An old book, its spine bent open at a particular page, sat by his side. He was surprised he was still able to find it, given he had lost it many years ago. Well, not lost, exactly, misplaced. But it had turned up last week some time, and he couldn't help reading the old spell that had created the mask in the first place, wondering if he would still be able to change it.

He'd been fine. For a long time, he'd been fine. He'd been brave and allowed himself to get closer to Scar, but all it had done was fuel his dysphoria. He had never wanted to look like an old man. In his mind, Scar was the kind of man he'd wanted to look like. But for whatever reason, that had never worked with this magic. He had always wondered if it was because he didn't have a good enough image in his head to form the mask from. Well, he did now. Perhaps now he might look like the man he really saw himself as.

He sat back on his heels. He knew his appearance hadn't actually changed, though. It was just the water showing what was really there. It was just doing what it was designed to do, to reveal the truth about whatever objects touched the water. It had revealed many of the blood diamonds the Logfellas were sending to Scar, and he'd been able to stop Scar getting them. He took the time to cleanse them before passing them on, just so his new friend wasn't short, much as he wished he wasn't taking their bribes at all.

Cub definitely wasn't paranoid, though, definitely not. Iskall might have pulled away from the Birchfellas but that was fine. He knew Ren. He wasn't scared of him. They'd have to try harder if they were going to scare him off from the log trade. If anything, it gave him reasons to keep to himself, and pay more attention to Scar to ensure he wasn't being ripped off. Sure, he needed the leaves and logs for his landscaping shop, but Cub would have provided those for free, or for whatever price Scar offered. No threats required.

It didn't matter, though, not in that moment. The sun was setting, and the pool was starting to glow a little. His chest felt itchy, because of course it did. Cub picked up the book, read through the very familiar words on paged that were wrinkled from water damage. He knew what to do. Had always known what to do. Whether the purity pool would even work for this kind of magic, he didn't know, but he had to try.

He set the book down, and touched the water gently, getting his hands wet. He covered his face with his hands, making sure the water touched his skin. He closed his eyes. Breathed in. Pulled the mask away. Held the energy in his hands as he formed a new mask. Prayed to anyone who might be listening that it would make him who he really hoped to be.

His hands tingled a little as the new mask formed and spread over his skin. Would he look any different? Or had it been too long, and the old mask was just permanently attached to him? The book did say that could happen. He hoped it wasn't the case, but he could still feel his beard, and it made his heart sink. It had definitely been too long. Way too long. His skin was still old and dry and a little wrinkled, his hair was still mostly missing, clinging to the back of his head with thin, grey strands, his body ached the way it had always ached. Not even the purity pool could help. Perhaps he curled into himself, doing his best to hide his tears.

Not that he was crying, no! That wouldn't be manly. And he could hear a couple of zombies approaching. He was not safe out here. Hurriedly wiping his face with his sleeve, he grabbed the book and retreated to his base, hiding underground in bed, wishing the night would pass as quickly as possible.

-

"Cub? Are you okay? I didn't- I wasn't prying, but I saw you run off, and you seemed upset. Everything okay?" Scar called.

From his bed, Cub curled up. Scar was the last person he wanted to see, but the fact that he had come after him, had even noticed something was wrong, made Cub sit up in bed. "Just a bit of a scare, that's all. Come in."

"Man, you really do love all these secret tunnels, don't you?" Scar said as he entered.

"Down and to the right, Scar," Cub said, sitting on the edge of his bed. There was going to be a conversation, and he was going to have to be okay with that. Besides, he trusted Scar a lot more than he used to, even if the very idea of telling him about the mask terrified him. No one knew about that, not even Iskall.

"Ah! There you are! Hi!" Scar said as he found him, coming to sit beside him on the bed. "So, everything okay? What scared you out there?"

Cub shrugged. "I dunno. Think I saw something out of the corner of my eye or something, you know how it is out there."

"Oh yeah, definitely! But you're alright now, yeah?" Scar said.

"I think so. I mean-"

Cub paused. Scar brought him into a hug, sitting back as he let him go.

"There, that better? I just thought you needed a hug!" Scar said, smiling at him.

"Thanks, yeah, that was nice," Cub said.

"It's something else, I can tell. It's in your face. What don't you want to tell me? Have those Logfellas been getting to you? I'll have to hurt them if they've done anything to you!" Scar said.

Cub looked down, stared at his hands. Didn't even know where to start. So, he pulled out that old, old book, where it fell open at the mask spell, and showed it to him. Magic, maybe magic would help him understand.

"Oh? What's this?" Scar took the book and read it. "Hmm. Oh! You know, I did think there was something magical about you! I can sense these things, yeah! That explains a lot! Are you- so wait, are you wanting to have a mask, or are you currently wearing a mask? Because I think I'm getting confused now!"

"Both. This-. I didn't want to look like this. But this is what I'm stuck with. I can't change it now, I tried. I've tried so many times to make it more like me, but I can't. I guess I'm just-"

Cub wasn't sure any of this was making sense. There were too many emotions swirling around in his head. Scar touched his cheek, and Cub looked up at him.

"Cub, I don't give a damn what you look like, alright? I care about who you are, and I love that person so much. You could look like, I dunno, some kind of monster and I'd still be your friend! You're going to have to try better than that to push me away!" Scar said.

"I-"

Cub couldn't find the right words, accepted Scar's hug anyway, and figured that was as close as he was ever going to come to telling Scar the truth. The rest of the night brought no more confessions, but Cub did appreciate his company.

-

"I dunno, I'm not sure this is going to work. The book warned after a while, it just sticks, and you can't change it," Cub said.

Cub was once again staring into the waters of the purity pool, the book once again by his side. This time, Scar was with him. Cub wasn't sure this was going to work, but Scar wanted them to at least try. The sun was slowly setting.

"I know, I know, but hey! I have different magic to you! It might work if I help!" Scar said.

"Yeah, it might, I guess. Only one way to find out though," Cub said.

"True. Now, what do I need to do? I need to touch you, right? Lay my hands on your head? Something like that?" Scar said.

"Yeah, something like that, I think. I'm not really sure how the magic works, if I'm honest," Cub said.

"We'll figure it out," Scar said.

"Hmmhmm," Cub said, unsure how much hope he should have.

He dipped his hands in the water again, and closed his eyes, covering his face as he thought about what he wanted the mask to look like as he withdrew the old one. He could feel Scar's hands on his head, and his magic mixing with his felt- warm. In a good way?

Cub breathed. Heard Scar muttering something under his breath. Cub tried to focus on the mask's appearance. Tried to bring up a face that looked like Scar's. Young, handsome, masculine, the kind of face he'd always longed to have. He was quietly glad he had his face covered too, so Scar couldn't see how obviously feminine it still was after all these years. He didn't want to look at it. Hated how it looked in the water's reflection. It wasn't him. Would never be him. Scar could never know. Would never see that face if Cub could help it.

A swirl of magic flooded his head, and he felt a little dizzy. The mask was returning, Cub could feel it, but what it looked like, he didn't know. As the magic subsided, he sat back on his heels, opening his eyes to the moon rising into the sky.

"It didn't work, did it?" Cub said, feeling his face to find the beard still there.

"No, it didn't work. Now I'm mad! I was so sure that would work!" Scar said.

Cub sighed. "I think the book's right, I'm stuck like this now. I never wanted to look like this. I wanted to look like you!"

"The world only needs one Scar, my friend. You keep being you, Cub. I'll keep searching. One day I'll find a way to fix this, just you wait."

"Nah, you don't have to. I mean, this was my fault. I did this to myself and now I gotta live with it," Cub said. "Thanks for trying though."

"No, I mean it, I'll see what I can find. There must be something out there. Now, come on, let's get to bed before it gets real dangerous out here!" Scar said, dragging Cub up by the arm.

"Sure, sounds good to me," Cub said, just managing to dodge an arrow shot by a skeleton further down the mesa.

His body didn't like running. His body didn't like much, to be fair. But Scar held his hand tightly as he led him back to his base, and slowly, Cub was beginning to feel much less alone. Maybe he'd tell Scar one day, once he'd learned to trust him. Maybe then the mask would fall for good.