#y'all why is everyone such a charlie brown hater

[deadpoets]

A BOY NAMED CHARLIE BROWN (1969) dir. Bill Melendez

[newtsceo]

Song of the Fool

Of course, I try out the year they decide the first two episodes of the season are going to be live. I went through so many auditions just to get on the show, now I not only have to try to impress the judges, but I also will be viewed by the nation in real time. I wish for death. By the way, I'm going to be on The Voice. That's the show I'm talking about. Which is funny because I couldn't sing until recently. Then I decided to try my luck and audition. Now I'm actually going to sing in front of people. ***    So get this. I'm driving home from work. It's just after lunch on Monday. I've finished all my work and my boss said I could take the rest of the week off for the holidays. I'm just thinking about what a good weekend I'm going to have. I'll make some food, turn on the TV, and probably fall into a coma after gorging myself with macaroni and cheese and hot chocolate. I can relax and maybe play some board games with my friend Noel and roommate Asher. I'm so ready for this calm weekend as I park. This is where my dreams are ruined. I open the front door, thinking all will be fine. All is not fine. There's a strange man I don't know crying in my living room. Nope. I'm seeing things. I close the door. I open it. A random guy is still wailing. Once again, I close the door. I open it and he's gone. Just kidding, he's still there. Is he crying at the ceiling? I look up. Of course, why wouldn't I expect to see a sword chilling right above him? I walk in and, as I do, I notice that there are a bunch of random holes in my backyard. I'm not sure I want to know.    “Who are you? What are you doing in my house? What happened?” I slowly approach and try to keep a calm tone. I'm sure I didn't do all that well, though. He starts screaming. What have I done? Okay, so it's something about a massive fight and losing a sword then not finding an amulet. After that everything's gibberish until he stops screaming.    “Wait, what are you doing in my house? I don't know you. Why are you here?” He says - like I'm the intruder.    “What are you talking about? This is my house; you're the intruder. I just wanted to spend a nice day at home but-”    “Then you shouldn't be in my house. Otherwise, you could-”    “But this isn't your house, this is my house. That's why I'm here.”    “Well, you're sadly mistaken, as this is my house and you're trespassing.” I start heading out. “HA! I knew I was right and I could get you to leave via the truth and-” I come back in with a nameplate reading “ALASTAIR MEYERS/ASHER EVANS.”    “Most people call me Charlie, though. Alastair's kind of weird and my classmates said I reminded them of Charlie Brown. Anyway, would you like to show your-”    “Woah, who's that?” My roommate interrupts. I'm not fast enough to answer.    “I'm Derek Marion! Sorry for barging in like this, I thought this was my home. Do you ever just have those kinds of days?” Asher responds with yes and me with a begrudging no.    “Come on, Charlie. Stop being so grumpy all the time. He said sorry.”    “Yeah,” adds Derek arrogantly.    “Asher, come in here and look at the ceiling.” He walks in confused, but he understands as he sees the sword.    “He-? How-? Wh-? He's so small? How did he get it up there?”    “I didn't, actually. A knight in shining armor did.”    “Great,” I mumbled. I hear a car door. Who is it now? It's Noel. This should be fun to explain. “You know what? I'm making hot chocolate and getting some food. Then we can try and explain everything to Noel.” Derek looks strangely excited. I hand the nameplate to Asher. “Also, please put this back.” I walk out.    “Noel? How does she come into this?” Noel bursts in and immediately starts on whatever story she came over to tell us. “Oh. That's how.”    “ANYWAY. SO, MY UNCLE, you know the one who came over that one Christmas with a giant pig mask on, HE CALLS ME TO TELL ME THAT HE LEFT THE BABY ON THE BUS AND HE HAD TO TRY AND STOP IT BUT IT WAS ONLY MISSING A FINGER AND NOW IT'S ALL GONE-wait, who's that?” She stops and points at Derek.    “I'm Derek Marion! I thought this was my house and it's not, but these two were so kind and haven't forced me out.” Not for a lack of trying, I think. “You must be Noel! It's so nice to meet you! We have much to discuss!” I leave the kitchen to see Derek vigorously shaking a confused Noel's hand and trying to coax her over to the couch. “I mean, I thought it'd be a lot harder to finder you, but here you are!”    “And what exactly do you need from her?” He finally stops shaking her hand so he can look at me. He looks dumbfounded as if I asked where the seahorses were in water polo. “What?”    “She- You've known her this whole time and- I mean- How do you not know-?” He turns to Asher, “Do you know?” When he's met with a baffled look he turns to Noel. “You know, don't you?”    “Do I know what? I haven't understood a word you've said after your name.”    “Do you really not know? Are you who I think?” He collapses dramatically on the ground. I walk over and turn on the TV. “Really?”    “Hey, you interrupted my plans, not the other way around. Also, she's probably not who you're looking for.”    “HEY! I could very well be who he's looking for!”    “I'm looking for the Jesus incarnate.” I flash Noel a smug look. The defeat shows on her face. “I got a message saying that the name would be Jesus and, well, Noel is one way of saying it.” He pulls out a paper about the size of a fortune from a fortune cookie.    “Let me see that.” Asher usurps the paper and exclaims, “It says Jesús ...and it says that he would be 15.”    “Oh. I thought that was a smudge. Plus, she looks like she could be 15. I was wondering why she was skipping and why you allowed that.”    “I'M JUST SHORT!”    “...Right. Well, I must be on my way. I need to find Jesús, apparently.”    “Well, there is a high school down the street if you wanna look there, Asher even has a friend who works there,” I tease. His face goes bright red and you can tell there will be yelling once Derek leaves.    “Great! Why don't you all come and help me?”    “Wait, what? NO. I mean, we have lots of important things to accomplish here.”    “Well, you did mention that you didn't have any plans this weekend and you have the whole week off. Why can't we go?” Asher has an evil smile on his face.    “Yeah, let's go! It'll be an adventure!” Noel starts jumping for joy.    “C'mon, Mr. Grumpypants,” Derek coaxes in a funny voice. He then returns to his normal voice, “Don't be a hater! Come on!”    “Y'all have fun with that. I'm not wasting my weekend.”    “By y'all I think he means you both because I'm not going,” Asher stated.    “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YOU BOTH HAVE TO COME! YOU CAN'T MISS OUT ON THIS! WE NEED TO GO FIND JESUS!”    “JESÚS!” Asher corrected.    I walk over to Asher and whisper, “We can't very well leave her alone, can we? Especially with him.” Asher agreed under protest. Noel and Derek bound excitedly to the car while we predict what will happen.    “I'll drive!” Derek claims.    “No, you won't,” I instruct. I, obviously, won that dispute. I drove to the high school and I had barely parked before Derek was out of the car. We rush after him and into the school. I don't know what he told the front desk as a reason for needing a student that wasn't even part of our family, but we got the information we needed; Jesús was already pulled out of class by a man because of “religious reasons” and wouldn't return for the rest of the day. Asher asked if he could see his friend, Ethan Neely, in class, as he was the chorus teacher. The secretary processed him and let him in but said we had to stay outside. “Don't keep him too long, the students might suspect something.” Then we headed to the car. About 5 minutes later we saw Asher emerge from the school. Ethan was with him. This came as a surprise to us. Derek, unfortunately, moved up with me and we set off with 3 very uncomfortable people in the back. We get on the highway and we couldn't decide on a music station so there's just an uncomfortable silence. “A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve,” I start. I can see Asher and Noel in the back hoping this isn't a pun. Sorry. “They feel a slight precipitation. 'I think it's raining,' says the man. 'No, it's snowing,' replies the woman. 'How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!' exclaims the man. 'Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?' 'Definitely raining,' Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. 'See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.'” Everyone just glares at me. I smile back.    “Well,” starts Derek, “at least we know this ride can't get any worse.”    “WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?” The three in the back scream as we race down the highway looking for an abducted child. Nothing went wrong for a few minutes until my gas light turned on and I had to, sheepishly, pull into a gas station.    “You didn't fill up your tank before going on an adventure?” Derek questioned.    “Hey, I wasn't expecting to do anything this weekend,” I say as I got back into the car. I pulled back onto the highway. Derek, so I wouldn't tell puns and there wouldn't be any silence, started reading every sign we passed on the highway. I stopped listening until he started mumbling.    “Turn right...That's where I messed up. I turned right... GO LEFT HERE!” His mumbled turned to an enunciated roar. I swerved 2 lanes over and exit the highway. One side of the road has glamorous houses that look like mansions. The other had plain brown buildings that looked like they belonged to a strip mall. We turned into one of the actual strip malls when Derek finally told us what he saw. It was a sign that said something about wondering what would've happened if you turned right so turn right now to visit a psychic. I told him that he was crazy, but he got out of the car and headed toward the building. I was fine with leaving; the others followed him while trying to hide their excitement. I headed in; when I got in there I found Derek confronting a man twice his size about who knows what. There was a young Hispanic boy next to the bigger man.    “You're Jesús, aren't you?” I wonder aloud. Everyone turns around and the small boy nods. “Do you need help?” He shakes his head.    “Quite the opposite, I'm here to help.” Derek looks at the other man.    “Help with what? What kind of crazy delusions have you put in this boy's head?”    “I didn't put any delusions in there, actually. I simply told him the truth,” the man stated matter-of-factly.  In his odd manner of speech, he continued, “The truth is I have a special sword, with which I might not but kill the Flibbertigibbet and keep that gent safe. I've been did chase by goons and combated those folk in thy house. I eke need to find an amulet yond controls the Flibbertigibbet to help me kill it.” Confused glances are shared by everyone.    “Basically, I'm Jesus and we have to go kill the Anti-Christ. The sword that was left in your ceiling is the only thing that can kill it and the amulet, which is somewhere in your house, is said to help control it. Thus, killing it will be easier with the amulet.”    “So we need to go back to my house to get the sword and find the amulet?”    “Yes.”    “Let's go, then.” So we drove back to my house only to find more confusion.

   We got to the house and everyone was chattering. So sure we were going to find the amulet, get the sword, and easily get through this mess. We walk in to find the sword gone. Yay. However, the team didn't completely lose hope.    “As long as we're here we might as well look for the amulet. It's said to control the Anti-Christ and we can use all the help we can get,” the larger man, Jacob Spencer, advised.    “I guess that makes sense,” Derek unnecessarily added. Then everyone started digging in the backyard to try and find it, except Jesús. He was instructed to search the house. After several hours of looking, we reconvened and decided that digging was getting us nowhere, especially since we didn't know what we were looking for or where to look. Then I noticed that I had left the TV on this whole time and The Voice was on. I went to turn it off when Jacob stopped me. He had noticed some strange girls on the TV, who were strangely engaged during one artist's performance.    “THAT'S HER! THAT'S THE ANTI-CHRIST! THOSE ARE HER GOONS!”    “The Anti-Christ is on The Voice?” Disbelief oozed out of my statement, as much as I kind of tried to control it.    “Well, I mean, it may not be exactly what you expected, but that's DEFINITELY her,” sheepishly replied Jacob. “There's no point sticking around here. The amulet helps, but we need the sword. I can almost guarantee that those goons took it. We need to go.”    “Almost guarantee? Why should we follow someone who doesn't know? How can you even begin to guess?”    “Because that one was here during the fight when I had to leave the sword.”    “During the what?”    “There's no time to explain. We need to go!” Jacob ran out. Derek shrugged at me and followed. The others fell into place. I turned off the TV and walked out to see them all hunched over by the car. I had the keys. ***    I'm in my dressing room. I just finished my song and I'm on Bastion's team. I can almost go home and sleep! The show ends in 10 minutes, then I can leave. There's a knock on my door. Of course. Leaving is never that easy.    “Come in,” I call, expecting Bastion to walk through and talk to me about training and such. Instead, 3 girls walk into my room weirdly in sync. And there's a sword. I scream like any logical person would. You know, why set up a defense when you can ruin your vocal chords as you're on a singing show? As they approach me Bastion runs in, followed by his poodle (Bastion the Second) and Lhasa Apso (Kaine) that he takes everywhere. The girls turn around and swing at him.    He dodges and mumbles, “Not my gay ass.” He pulls his dogs closer to him. Then security showed up and disarmed them. One put the sword in a detainment room and the other guards took the girls to the police station.    “Well...that was weird.”    “Yeah...So, uh, good night.” His dogs won't stop barking. He picks them up and starts leaving.    “Yeah, right, bye.” We head out. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. ***    We drove around fifteen minutes to get to the set. We arrived and everything had shut down. I guess someone forgot to lock up? I mean all the doors are open.    “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE'RE MAKING A GAME PLAN!” Jacob yells. He's a self-appointed leader.    “Okay, well, the door was open, so I figured we'd go in and look around. As long as we don't open anything that's locked we can make an argument that (a) we didn't know we weren't supposed to be in here and (b) that it isn't breaking and entering. Not that you'd have a problem with that,” I spit back. He grumbled and entered the building, the others following suit. Derek and Jacob, Asher and Ethan, and Noel, Jesús, and I made up the teams. We looked around but didn't find anything interesting. We met everyone by the stage. No one found the sword, but there was one locked room. We decide to deal with that tomorrow and stay in a hotel. We got a suite and went to our respective rooms. “Good night.” No one replied. ***    Hello. It is I, your third person narrator because everyone else is just too subjective. So Jacob left everyone in the hotel without leaving a note or waking anyone up or anything. He also left in an entire suit of armor, complete with a sword. Mind you, it wasn't THE sword. Still, he managed to walk out of a hotel and into a TV set in a suit of armor with a sword and not get stopped. They probably thought he was a background dancer or an extra or something. Anyway, he's in Ignacia's dressing room, trying to confront her about being the Anti-Christ. She's now known as Christa on the team because it's easier to say. Man, do I love the irony. Also, she has no idea she's the Anti-Christ. Bastion's there too; his dogs are being groomed today. Everyone's really confused. Oh, Charlie and Asher just woke up and figured out that Jacob is gone. They're livid, so they're going to leave and do the same thing that made them angry. Jacob just saw some goons in the hall and locked himself in a room with Christa. There goes the electricity. No phones are working or anything. When the power goes out all the other judges, contestants, and such look around and, those who don't die from goon attacks, lock themselves in their rooms. Bastion and Jacob are both on the ground crying. Jacob's locked in with the Anti-Christ and Bastion can't take his special “me time” before the show. Asher and Charlie leave the hotel to find a giant dome around the building. They just look at each other.    Asher asks, “Have you ever seen The Shawshank Redemption?”    Charlie responds, “Yeah, why?” Asher pulls out a plastic spoon. “Um...”    “We've all had that kind of night.”    “No, we haven't. So you plan to dig with that?” Asher started digging, looking Charlie in the face the entire time, determined to prove this wasn't a stupid idea. Jacob's now barricading the door so the goons can't get in. This goes on for about 2 hours before he finally runs out of mobile objects. Asher finally reaches an entrance to the tunnels under the building after Charlie made several bad puns (like “You know, the invention of the shovel was groundbreaking”). They go into the tunnels and find that all the entrances were blocked off. Asher started digging on the rock with the spoon. After what seemed like hours, but was really only ten minutes, Charlie said he'd go to the police. After a few minutes, he came back and told Asher that someone had covered the way they got in so they were stuck. Digging was the only way out. About two hours after that Ethan, Jesús, Noel, and Derek woke up (mind you, it's around 2 P.M.). They sat around wallowing in their self-pity about being left behind for about an hour before they realized their friends could be dead. They decided that Noel and Derek would go check on them and someone would let Ethan know when it was okay to bring Jesús. Until then, they'd stay in the hotel. Noel and Derek set out and also quickly found the dome.    “So, it looks like I can't do much here. I'm going to try and get some policemen,” Derek informed Noel, assuming she'd join him.    “Okay, I'm going to look around.”    “Look around? For what?”    “Just trust me,” she said a little too happily.    “Fine.” He set off for the police station and she started toward the wooded area near the building. In the woods, she found two levers, side by side. She pulled one and a tree fell right behind her. She screamed and jumped. Then, like any logical person, she pulled the other one. What could go wrong?  The other one lowered the dome. Power's not on yet, though. She starts for the front door. This reveals to Charlie and Asher that the stone they were trying to dig through was next to a hologram of stone. They climbed into the building and heard the goons trying to get into the room across the hall. They kept low and stayed quiet.    Derek, on the other hand, has reached the police station and is telling someone (who has a musk ox and his gun on his desk) what's happening. He sounds insane. No one believes him. So he takes the gun and runs. No one runs after him because it was empty. Derek had ammo. Noel's in the building and the goons see her and a chase begins. Derek runs into the building and shoots the goons. Jacob leaves his room to see who's been shot. Asher leaves at the same time. They were in a detainment room. The power comes back on and Bastion has a message from an unknown number. It reads, “Pandora's box. Trap evil. Get now.” He reads it aloud.    “OH! I know what it's talking about! It's buried in one of my jewelry boxes! I'll be back, try staying alive while I'm gone.” Charlie sprinted out of the building and sped home. After he left, Jacob searched the detainment room until he found the sword. Then he went back to confronting Christa about being the Anti-Christ. Bastion stood near her while the others moved closer to Jacob. They were ready to back him until they heard her say she didn't know what he was talking about. Then they started to question him. How do we know she's the Anti-Christ? Why do we have to kill her? How did you find yourself with all this information?    “Why am I being questioned? She's the Anti-Christ!” Jacob rebuked their questions.    “How do you know that? How do we know that? How did you know to look for the goons in the audience? How do we know you aren't the Anti-Christ?” The others argued. Jacob lowered his sword as he defended himself; Bastion and Christa relaxed some. As they argued, they almost missed three new goons, guys this time, come in and start bowing to Christa. They all turned. Derek tried to shoot them. It went straight through, as did Jacob's blade. He didn't even try to slay the newly powerful Anti-Christ. As the goons bowed, red glowed around them, then around Christa. She started growing. The longer they bowed, the more she grew.    Charlie finally got home and ran upstairs. He practically tore his room apart looking for the weird bracelet that his great aunt gave to him, saying it was a family heirloom. She said it had protected them for generations. He hopes that it protects everyone now. He had so much jewelry handed down to him, for whatever reason, that he had 3 boxes and several jars of it. He started digging. Thankfully, he remembered which box it was in and quickly retrieved it. Then he raced back to the car and went at turbo speed (which means, for him, the speed limit).    Christa had gone from 5 feet to 6 by the time Charlie got back. Unaware of the recent developments, he yelled that he had the amulet. This cued two of the goons to go after it, and therefore chase Charlie around the studio. Derek didn't think fast enough to try and shoot them. This left the other goon bowing. Christa grew much more slowly, but she did continue to grow. When Charlie finally got back around to the group and, surprisingly not being caught, he called for them to catch the bracelet. After he threw it, he turned around to try and lead the goons astray. However, they only wanted the amulet, so they went right passed him. Bastion caught the bracelet, pushed the goon out of the room, took Jacob's sword, and lock himself in the room with Christa. The goons only focused on getting in, they left everyone around them alone. Only now did Bastion realize that he had no idea what he was doing. He did try. First, he yelled, “FIRUS!” and thrust the bracelet forward, but nothing happened. Then, “Protectum!” He finally tried, “Restorium!?” and shook it a little. The red in the bracelet started to glow a little. Then it leaked from the beads to the middle of the bracelet. Bastion got really excited, as he thought he'd figured it out. Then the red went back into the beads and pulsed, taunting him. Christa finally noticed the bracelet and walked toward Bastion. He stepped back.    “That's pretty, is it for me? Can I wear it during my next performance?” Christa continues to inch forward. Before Bastion could say anything, Christa had already taken the bracelet and put it on. She was suddenly 5 feet again. The sword disappeared. THUD. Bastion opened the door and saw the goons lifeless on the ground. The others were gaping at the sight. He did, too. He said he didn't know how or why before anyone could ask, then one of the stage hands came out from another room.    “Dad!” cooed Jesús, as he ran over and hugged the man. Everyone looked to each other for answers, then to the man.    “I suppose I should explain,” he began. “Back during the time that you classify with Adam and Eve, evil and good battled for humans. Some went to each side. The snake, who you call Lucifer, had two main followers. They had the blackest hearts. When God struck Lucifer down and banished him, the ashes made the only weapon that could rid this world of him. His disciples vanished as well, but they went into the earth. Two bloodlines come from those followers. God gave a gift of protection, but also compassion, to those families. That would be your amulet. The Devil searches for someone from those bloodlines, those with the darkest hearts, to use as a vessel. You, Charlie, had the amulet while it was looking. You were protected. Ignacia wasn't so fortunate. The gift was also so that unnecessary blood need not be shed. The sword will banish the evil forever, the bracelet for several millennia. There were times that the Anti-Christ got in but didn't have enough power to destroy the world or had a weak vessel. You know them as Stalin, Dahmer, and Dr. Harold Fredrick Shipman, among others.  'Use the amulet or the sword and rid the world of the demon', not 'use the amulet for the sword.' These instructions have been passed down for the longest time. You've all done your part. Pass down the amulet. Go home, sleep. Live happily and farewell.” The man left without protest.    “Huh, that was God,” Asher thought aloud.    “No, that's just my dad. God is my mom,” Jesús corrected before he followed his father out.    I wish I could say everybody wished farewell to their new life-longs friends, but that didn't happen at all; mostly everyone just got in the car in stunned silence then went to the strip mall to drop off Jacob; then Derek directed Charlie to where he could be dropped off. Everyone else went to Charlie and Asher's place. Asher drove Max home and raced Noel while they were on the same track. Ethan didn't know how he'd explain to the school why he missed today and left yesterday. Asher and Charlie decided that fixing their house was a job for another day. As for Ignacia, her singing ability and charisma came from the power of the Anti-Christ. She soon left The Voice and went to school with Jesús. She even joined chorus with him, despite sounding like a herd of tortured cats, and was taught by Mr. Ethan Neely. They were often visited by Mr. Asher Evans, as well.