#y'all have some killer lines and should showcase them

[pallas-cat]

tbh i think authors need to quote themselves more

[onestowatch]

Boy Willows Drops Dreamy Music Video for "Fila" [Q&A]

Boy Willows, aka Landon Fleischman, makes music that offers a deep amalgamation of incandescent alt-pop, jubilant jazz, and psychedelic-tinged folk. Impeccably paired with sensory lyricism and passionate vocals, he delivers a hypnotic and singular resonance.

The LA-via-Maryland artist recently shared his new single "Fila" with Dylan Minnette of Wallows. On "Fila," Boy Willows stretches out to embrace relatable themes of vulnerability and healing both inwardly and outwardly without feeling overbearingly serious. "Fila" serves as a therapy session between two friends as they cope with being alone in different ways. Nestled in a warm and gentle soundscape, the sonic components are woven with nostalgia, charm, and a bit of whimsy. We caught up with Willows for a quick Q&A about the track and the equally nostalgic and whimsical music video directed by Boy Willows, shot by Seannie Bryan (Madeline Kenney, Skullcrusher) and edited by Jordan Pories.

Ones to Watch: This song, although short and sweet, seems to have a lot of complexity to it. It sounds like throughout the single, the main characters are grappling with feelings of loneliness and figuring out how to cope. What is this song about to you, and how did this song come to be?

Boy Willows: I think both verses deal with the thoughts that bubble up when you feel useless, small, or alone, but what I love about the song is there's a twinge of hope. My goal with Fila was to spur myself into believing that I could create my own reality of acceptance and momentum. I had been feeling isolated a while before the pandemic hit - on the perimeter looking in on other people's social circles or relationships or success. My hope was that by acknowledging these truths in a song, I could start to take up my own space, make my own club of acceptance per se.

What was the creative process like for the single? What made you want to go for this very ethereal sound, and were you inspired by anything in particular?

I worked on this super grand, minute-long glitchy harmony thing and pitched it down an octave (oooo). It was so soothing and slow and big, I started producing around it, and I felt like I was in a dream where I could say anything I wanted, no matter how heavy or light.

What are your thoughts on girls that wear Fila?

Haha, in short, they're cool. This song is truly a peek into all the thoughts that were swirling around my brain, making me feel alone - and one of those thoughts was about aging. I wish this wasn't the truth, but I was feeling fear about getting older. I wrote that line about Filas and didn't think much of it or even really understand why I wrote it until a couple nights ago. It's definitely a light-hearted observation about youth culture, but I think I wanted to poke fun at it cuz I felt like I wasn't a part of it for the first time - and that frightened me. It's insane that even that line was born out of the fear of being left out, but I'm pretty sure that's the true true.

I loved not only the sonic atmosphere you created, but also the story of you told through the lyrics. Do you have a favorite verse from this track or one that speaks to you? What is your approach when it comes to songwriting?

I just love how much the endings of each verse stick out - "I just feel like I don't deserve this life." It's a line you could interpret so many different ways, and each way would be true. When I'm working on a song, it starts with the music. I picture where it takes me, how fast I'm moving, if I feel cool or angry or defeated, and if I'm lucky, a phrase will fall out of my mouth that feels true, even if it doesn't make sense at first.

I think the music video does a great job of visualizing the lightheartedness of "Fila." What was the creative process like, and what was it like working with your team on the video?

There's this fucking incredible animated video called Satiemania from 1978 made by this Croatian animator, Zdenko Gašparović. In it, there's a delectable section where it's just different shoes walking in an impossibly groovy way. I wanted that tone of animation mixed with the camaraderie and fuckit-energy of The Pharcyde's "Drop" music video. I brought those ideas to my genius creative friend/ shaman, Jordan Pories, and we got to work, exploring the world of the song, trying to amplify and showcase everything in a dreamy, slow way. Seannie Bryan is a recent friend of mine and a killer DP. She captured the dreamy light perfectly. We rolled up to the spot at 6am. It was 90 degrees, and we knocked it out in an hour and a half, only stopping once because I was going to throw up from spinning.

Dylan Minette's voice perfectly compliments the laid back yet introspective vibe of the song, and it looked like y'all had a lot of fun doing the music video. What was working with him like, and how did he get involved with this single?

He and I go way back. We used to be in rival boy scout gangs. No, I do lighting for Wallows, and we met through that. One day on the tour bus, I was showing him some new tunes, one of which was "Fila." It was 35 seconds, and he said it needed to be longer, so I said, "hop on in." He added his verse, and we were OFF TO THE RACES. He's got a really strong creative compass and just knows what he likes. We finished the song in a couple days - fucking painless, dare I say, very enjoyable bordering on a lot of fun.

Tell me about Desert Mike. I feel like although rattlesnakes do deserve some love and I agree that the war between them and human beings is senseless, I'm not exactly in a rush to give them a pat on the head...Ok, but for real, tell me about this clip at the end. Is it an easter egg for a future single? In your last single, "i love it when you talk," you intercut the clips of you with film footage from the 80s and 90s. Is Desert Mike a Boy Willows creation or a relic from the past?

SHEESH, am I paying you?? because if not, then I SHOULD. The Boy Willows canon is a long, meandering labyrinth of characters that doesn't conform to traditional standards of "time" or "being funny" or "good. Desert Mike exists in all Boy Willows worlds, though, this much I can say. In the ILIWYT video, Desert Mike easily could have made a feature, and now I want to know who you've been talking to...your ability to connect the dots is...suspicious.

Has the pandemic effected you or inspired you as an artist? If so, how?

Really hot take comin at ya, I think the pandemic is not good. Bad even! I lost my job, so financially, I've been very inspired to survive haha. This isn't the sexiest answer, but the truth for me is, I put everything into my music but am also looking for a job - sometimes balancing those two things is really fucking hard. Instead of feeling inspired to write about my difficulties, I just want to solve them. So I'm really looking forward to landing a part-time gig as a call representative for Spirit Airlines, so I can get back to making my music.

Once the world comes to a state of a new normal, what's the first thing you want to do?

I'd love to travel somewhere new with my friends. A friend of mine is living in New Zealand working on an alpaca farm. You bet your ass I'm flying there at the first chance.

Alternate fun idea: Get a table at a restaurant, deep in the back, as far inside as possible. Order one appetizer every 30 minutes and stay there for a minimum of nine hours, just being so loungey and just snacking hard, mozzarella sticks flying every which way, napping in marinara sauce.

When shows and concerts are back, who do you want to see, and who do you want to tour or play with?

When touring comes back, I would LOVE to tour with Jadu Heart, Far Caspian, Sure Sure, to name a few. I just want to crowd surf for a month straight honestly. Give a ton of sweaty hugs. I want to see Toro y Moi, Thumpasaurus, Squirrel Flower.

Who have you been listening to throughout the pandemic? Are there any Ones To Watch?

A lot of Tribe Called Quest for long drives. I'll put "Check The Rhime" on repeat. I just discovered this dude named Shuttle his song "Boy" is fucking groooovy. I'm an OG KT Tunstall stan too - I've been bumping her 2013 album "Invisible Empire" like a mad man. Kevin Morby for the campy vibes, Rufus for the stank, Lomelda for the love, Van Morrison because if I get married, my first dance will be to "Crazy Love," and I like to daydream about that when I drive. Last but most important, The Prince of Egypt soundtrack.

Oh also, I've been listening to a lot of Anna Burch, Far Caspian, Bea1991, a compilation of geese wearing hats, Mei, Shuttle and this new artist you HAVE to listen to - he's a little out there but give him a try, Drake.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Lithuania to Eurovision with a rampaging mess that gave a lukewarm conclusion

Oh dear.

When it comes to my country to choose, they’re often chosen to be overlooked by the Eurofan community, especially because of our insanely long procedure of choosing, that would often cause everyone to hear the songs live more times than they’re supposed to. And it seemed to be a similar case this year because while not as long as usual, we still had 7 shows + an additional week break (that allowed me to watch some more Destination Eurovision! Woo!), and a big pile to songs to swim through, usually submitted by all ranges of songwriters who’re willing just to get their names known to the world creditswise (looking at you Ashley Hicklin and co.) and often are paired with our talent show rejects that fade away as soon as they come in if their song and their chances crash out before the final (see Germantė Kinderytė - she didn’t make it to the lives of The Voice Lithuania, had a killer song though that didn’t make it to the semis thanks for the jury annihilating her pointswise TWICE and only ended up lucky the televoters’ 10 was enough to get her through. Another example: Benas Malakauskas, who got lucky to be on the selection for two years in a row, but did not go beyond the AUDITIONS in said talent show! Yet progressed to the second round at farthest both of his years). And even then, you’re never sure if these songs ARE even on the lineup. Last year we had angry Erica Jennings pulling her song out of the comp just because of having to hear the juries critique others so abrasively (at least abrasively I guess?) one show in, but then it suddenly re-emerged back, but instead sung by Monika Marija - fresh off her The Voice Lithuania victory. This year we had some names pulling off for no reason, some names pulling for A reason (like Sasha Song who couldn’t turn up for the live recording of Heat 4 because of his song not sounding the best way possible, and was fined for it lol), and some names being added last minute or even changed unexpectedly (Tomas Sinickis, you heard of him? Now he underwent by Tommy Modric... yes the footballer Modric). Which is as crazy as MIIIIHAAAAIIIII deciding not to compete in the Romanian NF because “it’s all rigged and me a tryhard won’t feel too safe enough to finally win on this one” oh boo-hoo, think of the kids who never liked your sorry ass anyway. And think of the kids in general before showcasing your half-naked or mostly-naked body in front of them.

Excuse me for my long ass paragraph number 1, BUT we were actually so dang dramatic this year that I cannot contain myself without letting y'all know why this NF deserved a much better winner to come out of it rather than THAT that actually came to be. I'm a native so I know every single detail. So if ya wanna know why exactly I'm underwhelmed, read 'em up. If you wanna know that I'm just underwhelmed, just skip ahead to the review, idc. Did you make your choice? Well then. Let's delve into the details:

• The first clear competitor, Monika Marija, releases a song that people really want to see in the selection but she assures everyone it’s not THE song. Then she shows her other one, and people honestly want the first one back, but grow to adapt to it.

• Lineup reveal happens with her in it, wbk. Along with some other interesting names like Jurgis Didžiulis (off InCulto), Jurgis Brūzga and etc.

• First show is filmed and broadcasted as normal. But, after the broadcast, a pissed-off parent is mad at his son’s result on Facebook (and the result seemed fair enough to me actually despite liking the song because it’s such a second-hand NF tier entry that isn’t meant to last that I’d even see fizzle out in... A Dal for example).

• Also a minor lulz related to one contestant’s song lyrics sounding like Russian swearwords (you know the ones the kids are yelling on CS:GO) but that was fixed

• Lineup changes that include Sasha Song, the second-most-recent X Factor Lithuania season winners at the time 120 (yep that’s the band’s name) and some other guy who came and went last minute without a word from him back as to why lol. (As well as one of the lost starlets of 2018, Emilija Valiukevičiūtė, was initially announced in the first lineup reveal but fizzled out by Heat 4 as well.)

• And it turns out Monika Marija chose both of her latest releases (including the first one she said she won’t enter) to participate because her fans want it so and she felt like it, although fans were more attached to the 1st one she entered.

• Jurgis Didžiulis brings Erica Jennings with him - yep, the same lady who withdrew because of the jury has grew some thick skin over a year and joined the lineup too. Among other things.

• Second show had a major televoting issue that affected the scores massively (basically only a few hundred votes were missing lol), and had the issue affected any of the nonqualifiers enough for them to qualify, they’d be added to the semis as a wildcard. So naturally, someone of the NQs complained about it BUT it turned out it did not affect anyone anyway. Another act got pissed for being mistreated by juries too by the way.

• Sasha Song withdraws last minute for reasons above, and his fine is 2000 euros. Well, now you have to know that if you, fellow Lithuanian, want into Eurovizijos, you need to be a bit rich to accept circumstances like these, otherwise you’re totally fucked.

• Heat 3 happens as normal BUT Heat 4 brings in some fire as it turns out that one of the contestants’ stepfather was offering his company’s services (like, those outside children play parks’ assets) for televotes to her dear stepdaughter’s song, with her EVEN NOT SEEING ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT. LRT, as clever as they are, decide to null her televotes in protest. Shame tho as the song was good, and way better Laurell Barker submission than the ones she got on ESC this year.

• One contestant, Alen Chicco (also from X Factor Lithuania, may or may not even be from the same season that was won by 120), causes a bit of controversy by having a black man on his performance

• During the semi stage, Monika Marija asks her fans not to vote for the 1st song she submitted to the selection, but rather support her 2nd song that won the semi comfortably, way after the folks were attached to her 1st song already and claiming it’s better for Eurovision (no it’s not), but it backfires spectacularly when the jury has enough guts to make her qualify with it, even if the televote for it was rather low.

• But before semi 2 happened and Monika Marija sang her weaker song, a contestant with the name of Migloko resorts to middle-finger the audience during her performance for no reason in semi 1.

• Monika Marija succesfully goes on to withdraw one of her songs (the one from semi 2) just to not split her fanbase even further when it comes to the final, therefore not lose. Also has to pay a fine of 2000 perhaps.

• Jurijus Veklenko, which was one of the front-runners along Monika Marija, was accused of having his song published on Soundcloud a year too early, but as a demo version, therefore not commercially viable enough for ESC rules. Later he was let off easy by LRT, but decided that EBU should investigate and report if they think it’s not fine, but if he was allowed to compete with that, he was possibly not in danger afterall.

• And since Monika Marija has got only 1 song, her final spot she got with that other song was given up for the aforementioned Alen Chicco.

• Finally, Monika Marija was still THE front runner of all this, having a sizeable amount of a fanbase enough to support her, even more so than the eventual winner... yes, she did happen not to win in the end. U mad?

And even if Monika Marija would have honestly been an anticlimactic winner, this next guy is even more so, because although shocking, his song is pretty much by-the-numbers Eurovision NF pop you’re gonna get, although not as cheap as the one written by constant NF failures that submit their stuff for countries like Moldova, Belarus, Romania and Malta (that until Malta ditched their NF). And the one that ended up winning is the said person whose song was uploaded a year too early as a demo - Jurijus Veklenko, but for now, he’s pretty much needed to be addressed as Jurijus. No wait, he’s back to being Jurijus Veklenko, but he dropped the “us” from his name, that’s odd. (By the way, he’s the only ounce of Ukraine you’ll ever have this year - his father is of that nationality, hence why the ever-so-Slavic Veklenko surname)

“Run with the Lions” is the song name, and for a title as anthemic as this, the song... not so much. Like I said, it’s pop, and it’s good that it’s pop, but it’s just pop. I doubt that Jurijus’s songwriter team did anything to distinguish the demo from its final product, hence why it was so easily autodetected somehow. Like, the structure is there, the lyrics are there (but what even ARE they? “if you wanna see, just open your eyes”?? “if you want a voice, just open your mouth”????), but where’s the depth, man? I really felt like I needed more of this song, especially in the choruses. Like, some additional background instruments like strings wouldn’t have hurt? In fact, this song has a slight revamp (I’m saying “slight” because no marginal changes had been done) that adds up some acoustics in the background of the 2nd verse and only changes one line (”there’s no need to be afraid” now is “you don’t have to be afraid”. Wow, revolutionary. What about “You don’t got to hide away”?? Why repeating “You don’t” twice in the prechorus???!!!... ooh I’ll be here all day if I only talked about nitpicks)... and it yet still feels too little. Thankfully the choruses have someone shouting something like “huh huh hoo” synthetically to liven it up somehow.

Yet somehow, out of nowhere, I admit liking this? Our boi is capable of singing live - both high and low; his voice and the song fit in delightfully with each other; and while basic, the melody is pleasant, non-offensive, non-ear-grating... perhaps the problem of it all is that it’s too inoffensive? Something that flows away in the wind and passes you by without you knowing. Something that you’re told that it’s not background filler and you were just not paying attention to the actual music that was playing. Something so algorithmic, you’re easily able to make your ears cancel it out as it were just some sort of white noise!

Yeah, I don't think I want to describe us all that much. It's a pretty okay pop song, it's nothing groundbreaking (bar the message of being free to do all you can do), I enjoy the sound of it, it doesn't annoy me, I can fully be down to supporting Jurijus and his voice. Too bad it's in a year AND a semi where MoR pop songs DON'T dominate - we're way past those ages. To stand out, it needs to be anthemic, it needs to have a stage presence, it truly needs some X factor, and our staging nor our song offers it. And guess what, various other people are still mourning over the loss of Monika Marija, which I find perfectly reasonable, but who would have to lend us their final spot instead if she won? Armenia? Romania? Denmark? So many questions, so little time left to answer them all.

Right now I will just conclude with me saying that I like this. It's inoffensiveness is pleasant, and in any other year we'd be the perfect filler songs for the final, like we were in the past. Cool cool.

Approval factor: Anything that will make me forget how much of my nerves did I waste over stanning someone in our selection while knowing that Ieva will win is a good noodle in my book. Jurijus wasn’t exactly one of my favourites (you’ll see why when you hit the unfortunately long NF corner section), but that’s perfectly fine, seeing that I can finally be a proud supporter of my own country’s song.

Follow-up factor: we're a completely and utterly random nation, sending anything our juries found amusing the most at the time. So don't bother about follow up consistency every being good or bad. We're just going with our own flow and... that's basically it. Though we could, on an occasion, do better with picking songs, that's for sure. And maybe finally we will not have a song that's littered with "oh oh oh, yeah yeah yeah" kind of sounds... like seriously, "Run with the Lions" has a bridge that mostly consists of "ooooooohhhhhhh" and then one actually non-interjective line at the end. (At least in Tel Aviv you'll be hearing the backings murmuring "run with the, run with the, run with the lions" during it, and that's something.) I love it that we never change in our random tactics, I'd just love it more to see some actual change in the song quality, y'know? THEN will it be a good follow-up.

Qualification factor: I’m so devastated at saying this, but foreigners say that we’re probably going down to deat meat levels this year. But I still have hope in us qualifying. Believe it or not, the people out there still don’t buy into the Lithuanian diaspora power, and genuinely believe that our harmless tune is chanceless. I only understand that it cannot work its magic when we send something risqué and incredibly opinion dividing (but most people dislike it anyway), but just look at our results on the years when we were generally received bad when we were just boring. “C’est ma vie” qualified. “Something” qualified. Back when Donny Montell was such an unknown in the Eurovision lore because 2012 was his first year and his song was considered “dated”, he still qualified. See something here? We still can, and WILL, be able to pull through possibly, and I don’t doubt it that diaspora will lap up our mediocre song because Lithuania. Patriotism strong! (Oh and a handful of votes for Jurijus for being so hot.)

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

I already discussed the Eurovizijos drama in lenghty detail, so expect me not to re-iterate everything down here shortly, but what you need to know off it is that it had every single drama aspect you’d ever want - faulty line-ups, voting frauds, televoting malfunctions, forced plagiarism accusations, too-early-published-song accusations, late entry withdrawals, qualifier replacements, technical difficulties allowing to repeat a performance and some contestants being visibly pissed off by the jury (and to some extent, the overall) results. A total jumble <3 Never change, Lithuania. (except for the godawfully smug-ass HoD, I started to get tired of him AND his bald head doing this to us. It's been 10 years, retire already.)

So it’s better to talk about all the non-dramatic things I liked about our NF this year! From songs to performances, from shits and giggles to something serious - I’m taking you for a hefty ride.

• First and foremost, I actually didn’t mind one of the Monika Marija’s songs? Yeah, “Light On” was a good and polished pop track that has THAT power to get you good, with them strong sublime female vocals. Even if it kind of sounded like an Ikea store version of "Stay with Me" by Sam Smith. Not that there's anything bad with it, but any kind of plagiarism cases have and will always be barred from Eurovision if noticed by the organizers. This is not 100% dead-on ripoff, but there are shades of knock-offery here and there. And it's even a better "Stay with Me", and with a better message - Monika Marija reminisces of that one time she was almost dying herself, but she's here, she's survived, and you musn't hang her off the lifeline. At least it's "Light On" that got all the love in the NF in the end and not the painfully mediocre "Undo" ripoff wailfest "Criminal". It was so slow and plodding and I never got why so many people loved it. If "Undo" was a product, "Criminal" would have been its "made in China" counterpart. Anyway, here's "Light On". And please don't spam me messages with how much this would have been a contender for top 10 over Jurijus. :P In Eurovision it's an added bonus if your faves do well - the fact that they were in Eurovision is the most important thing, and I perfectly understand why do you miss it here on ESC grounds. Just... I'm tired of "MM top 10, Jurijus bottom 3 in semi", okay? Monika Marija can try our NF again. She’s very talented, and there’s a possibility that we’ll see her in ESC in the end anyway. Pave the way for our Polyglot Queen, Eurovision 20xx! ^^

• Now here's for once a cool Lithuanian artist that didn't come from a TV talent show! Antikvariniai Kašpirovskio Dantys ("antiquarian teeth of Kashpirovsky") is probably one of the coolest Lithuanian bands that I know - doing absolutely any kind of genre they're pleased with - from folk to rock to ska to acoustic pieces - I admire them for being so diversive! Too bad they entered with one of my lesser favourite tracks in their entire discography - "Mažulė" (one of the many ways to say "baby", as in, trying to call your lover cute, female gender case. Can also mean "baby girl" in this context). I have nothing against this kind of track they thrown in the selection, ska music and Eastern musical elements are gooooooood, plus I finally got to know what is a "forró" that doesn't mean "hot" in Hungarian - it's a music style popular in Brazil! However, the chorus could have at least sounded more "party"-ier. It doesn't really excite me to dance the window-cleaning dance to it. (Oh yeah and do you remember that this song is about a car, not an actual lover? They're basically confessing their love to an automobile. How they're protecting it from vandals, how did they dream of getting the car since young age, how wouldn't they change their car for any other. Romantic, I'd say.) However I am happy for the over 30 year olds that find this song completely and totally amusing when I can't quite seem to. I do say that I like those elements, the brass and all that. It was the only Lithuanian song in the sea of English ones in the final (just like A Dal was, but inverse - almost all songs in Hungarian but one English (and a bit Russian), and that's an achievement. AKD should be proud of themselves for impacting both our nation AND the international viewers which found fun in this! Respect. Maybe they'll win our NF soon if they keep on winning the audiences, or they'll probably GTFO forever. IDK, the latter is more plausible, sadly. They're so unique that they cannot be just a thing for more editions - just one for a try out, and that's enough.

• So, Alen Chicco. What’s so special to have him in the final instead of Monika Marija's weaker entry? Well, he's just a fantabulous persona, unique in every step he takes. And surely I was excited to see him preparing something for Eurovizijos after I read his name on the participants list. And then his entry did come. I wasn't quite sure what to think of "Your Cure" at first but the chorus is a pop beauty I hold up to myself somehow <3 now I find the song nice as a whole, the theatrical-like verses peak my curiousity though the prechoruses feel too drawn out a bit and could have had some big pauses be shortened or removed... yeah. But the most interesting thing is HIS LOOKS <33 his wardrobe and level of expressiveness is vast, I love it how eveything here was different each and every time he performed, and it all was always presented incredibly differently. I admire ONE (1) chameleon

which Alen Chicco are you today? ✨

• And that's almost basically it I have to show you concerning my faves? Yeah, I definitely had enough of our NF having this many songs too, I almost had no good favourites that made it to the semis and people would care about slightly if they'd be willing to. Nothing I could be excited over, nothing I could be passionate about as I was last year about my fave. Well I did like some qualifiers to semis but I don’t think they are THAT worth y’all’s attention all THAT much... However, I will definitely let you in on two of my personal non-finalist faves. Allow me to introduce the first band whose song is a guilty pleasure of mine only - it's Laimingu Būti Lengva ("it's easy being happy") with "Pasaulio vidury" ("in the middle of the world"). Now, it's not very competitive or anything, in fact the guys looked like hobos on their live performance and one of them was randomly shouting "heeeeyyyyy" a LOT of times, like a random heckler that's supposedly livening(??? is that a word???) up the performance, and they sang disappointingly... but the studio version, man. I dare you to not get hypnotized by the slow electric guitar feel. (You probably won't but idc.) I love it, I love the beats and how trappy but cool they sound on those verses, I love the slow soft rhythm, I definitely love the whole melodic execution, and the vocals actually sound alright on there (mainly thanks to autotune but yeah whatever). I have problems though - with a band like this, I barely see how can I get genuine enjoyment out of this song myself without having to slap myself in the back for admitting to actually like this. So I call it my "guilty pleasure" quite a lot of times. The song's structure is quite interesting, but it's mainly the repetitive verses and choruses smeared across the whole song at random. I get the song's point so much that I hate the band for hammering it into my head all this whole time - the song's protagonist met a red-haired and blue-eyed girl named Isabel in Portugal (the supposed "middle of the world"), they fell in love, that's it. But they emphasize it a lot that the girl was blue-eyed... not even I would if I had to write this song, and *I* have a blue-eyed people bias. The whole package was completely unappealing and with how they showed it it didn’t really look like something that even needs a staging or Eurovision at all, but I still keep this song to myself, and will definitely replay it a lot this summer. Just as much as the song that you'll actually get to watch the performance of down below - it's "Song of My Life" by Soliaris & ForeignSouls. It's cool, funky, catchy, vibey, laidback and summer-fun-infested. I cannot really describe separate parts all that much because all flows in so well. It's a good song to chill out and have a cocktail too. And it features a rap part that doesn't bother me at all! Good one, Soliaris. I didn't like your music back when you did mediocre 00s R'n'B, but you positively surprised me, both by returning to our NFs after like 9 years of absence AND bringing this gem. It didn't need an extreme staging - just some dudes having fun and that's it. And they brought it. It saddens me that these kind of songs don't stand a chance to qualify to the very final in our NF anymore, as they kind of would have in 2012 or so, but I'm still happy they exist. I only have had some issues with the lyrics laying out the words in sentences ("spend with me this beautiful night" bothered me a bit because if you translate it to Lithuanian in the exact same sentencing way, it'd make even more sense than it does to me now), but other than that, I fucking loved "Song of My Life". It might as well be my overall NF winner, haha.

• Oh and how could I forget Tiramisu??? That's perhaps my biggest discovery of this year. They moved on from utter unknowns to... still unknowns, but more known for the Eurovision fandom that does care about Lithuanian NFs. Here you have an oddly titled song, "The Smell of Your Eyes" (and you thought Safura smelling lipstick was extreme - but to her credit, lipstick DOES have a faint odor, doesn't it?), which is both insane AND original, and insane original is obviously encouraged. And the whole song sounds pretty damn good for a band that no one heard of and that used to do jazzy-ish and inoffensive musical flairs before. Here we have slight influences of folk even! And the violins, too. A generally charming piece that draws you into a pagan forest. Too bad the staging was completely misunderstood - they definitely had to put on some guy with a cheap Iron Man mask to pretend to give the band some intensity... lousy move. It could've looked way better if it were more mysterious and forest-like and had a more enchanting camerawork. And a little more colors than emerald and forest greens, too. The video clip looked way better and more high-budget than the staging came to be. Observe:

Felt like everything beautiful was stripped of it because the music video could not be repeated on stage. Ah well. The televoters gave them love but the jury did not let them to improve, and down the Bermuda triangle of fallen female violinists from the 2019 season went a lady of the name Rima Tamo, together with Gabriella Laberge and Tilla Török (who did not even appear on stage at that time of need!). Here's a spooky fact for all these 3: female violinists that all featured on songs in E minor, performed 1st in their respective heats/semis, were really loved by televote but hated by the juries, missed out on the next stage of the NF by 1 place. Coincidence? A curse? Tiramisu were obviously disgusted by the jury trashing their staging so they talked about hating them on Facebook. What's worse that they could have actually qualified if they've gotten at least 9 more telepoints that could've pushed them to get 10 televote points in general rather than 8, all thanks to a televote count error that removed large portions of votes. And that way they could have been wildcard qualifiers instead because they would have still gotten 8 televote points with the actual televote numbers, but the organizers of the NF said that if the televote failure would have hurt anyone's place in the final, they would have wildcard-qualified instead. No one did not, so screw it. At least "The Smell of Your Eyes" remains THAT song - lots of folk, lots of violins, lots of effort put into it, and the people actually loved it for that. Just that it's so sad that the jury didn't let them improve overtime... just like Hungarian jury didn't let Leander Kills go further... a shame, really.

• And now, onto the non-entry-events and stuff that happened, besides some actual good jury shade (like the one time at least one juror says that “you wouldn’t win even if all the contestants got sick”, technical errors in the production (thanks to one of them, one of the semifinal acts actually got to perform again... but the televote didn’t give her votes anyway lmao) and the constant reminder of one of our charities which gives tickets to Eurovision for the best disabled person story.. I don’t know where that is but our NF somehow acquired a skit from an Austrian man that’s been exploring stuff in Israel (I think) because of Eurovision this year... and man did I think that this skit was rather... hmmm... middle-ground funny? Slightly too annoying but still kind of alright to look at? It was fun, but certainly odd to find out about that it even exists.

• After feeling so disappointed with Hungarian juries's decisions on the night of February 22nd, I left my room to watch our NF's final on our living room TV, hoping for everything just to end already because I did not expect anything good happening on this final. I haven't even decided to go back to watch A Dal and see AWS reprise their song a little less louder than when they competed last year. And then our NF gave me a complete and utter surprise - The Roop reprising THEIR Eurovizijos 2018 entry. If you've been long enough here on Tumblr to know me, you would probably guess that I'm a big fan of "Yes, I Do" by The Roop, which I wanted to see winning our NF so badly last year, but in the end... you finish the quote so I don't have to. And it's odd because this year I felt the exact similar way with Hungary as with Lithuania last year - I have clear favourites I root for in both of those but deep inside I knew there was gonna be a different winner I only find okay and nothing else. (The difference is that "Az én apám" has grown on me since, "When We're Old" did not at all.) So back to discussing the interval act instead. For this one guest number of the NF's, the song began on a piano, "pretend" played by The Roop's lead singer, and then he got his butt off from the piano chair (unlike Duncan in Tel Aviv), to the microphone stand, and the song continued off sounding like its original version that was sung in last year's NF. I still love this song and even loved that version with piano at the beginning, but why did it not take over the whole song though? Just to not let the audience fall asleep before the Carousel would've? (Yes by the way, we got guest acts from other countries performing on our NF as well! But Carousel were the only ones to have a guest appearance, the other acts were either unchosen or perhaps busy doing Tel Aviv preparations, lol.) Well, good for them. I may or may not still would love The Roop entering and winning our selection someday, if they ever decide to participate again. They could've this year but they did not return, so maybe in 2021? Let this girl dare to dream for once, Lithuania ^_^

• I love when our NF has postcards, no matter at which stage of introduction they are on. In 2016 the postcards were present in every show (the ones for the final were the best), in 2017 they were only introduced in the round 3 of heats (sometime before the semis), in 2018 - from the 2nd round of heats onwards, in 2019 though they were only for the final... what’s the punchline for this paragraph? Oh, there IS none. I just confessed my love for our NF postcards. Just keep scrolling :)

• Okay so I know no one really pays attention to our heats because we have too many of them AND we have too many songs in them, and the eliminated ones always stop mattering to everyone right away. But I'm here to bring you a favourite meme of mine that hailed just from the heats alone: miss RÙTA, who could have done much better during her performance if she didn't constantly look like she's incredibly constipated. I don't know what makes her look like that - the lipstick? the grin? her over-dramatic entry about wordly disasters, "Paradox"? I may never know, but I will let you have a good look at it if you don't want to watch the whole video I linked. Personally, I liked the red staging this song had, and the song wasn't bad, but the singer felt agonizingly nervous and never got the chance to do better, sadly. Oh and look at that sleek tattoo, mmm.

• Oh and our NF featured a metal song but it’s so formulaic and by the numbers dad metal that I didn’t even support it all that much.... however I’ll let you listen to it if you’d really like. And there's this best alternative song of this year's NF that I've heard that also ended in the semis, and it's way better than Fusedmarc's alternative (despite having some ugly beatboxing skills). Check it out too if you will.

And thankfully, that’s that for another year. I’m getting so awfully tired to compress my own NF even further more, especially with my enthusiasm for the actual quality of this NF going down the shithole with every single heat show coming after each other just like that, with more mediocre songs after more mediocre songs. I’m also openly declaring that I have barely any energy left with continuting these writeups, seeing that there’s too many to go and most of them are STILL undercooked drafts. But I’m tryna pull through. I have another completely completed review underway afterwards - just a few edits here and there on it and I’m done with it, m8s! And then I’m piling up new paragraphs after new paragraphs on other reviews.

So I hope I let you know why do I think that the end result of ours is lukewarm - from a dramatic NF there should have been a slightly dramatic winner tbh, but in the end we got a pop song that only a few people like. Brutal. And with the biggest hopes in my eyes for our success I’d like to finish this off with two words. Sėkmės, Jurijau!

[5hfanfiction]

our broken white rose (3/?) ⇾ camren

a/n: i was gonna update tomorrow after wedding planning with my fiancée but she’s with her dad doing father, daughter shit and im home alone, bored and cold so after this if y'all wanna pm me, im not opposed to it. seriously. be my friend. pLEASE! ok enjoy this chapter. please comment as you read, let me know what you think, answer end of the chapter questions and vote! ilyy..

-after writing chapter: i started this at like 6 PM east coast time AND ITS LITERALLY 3:30 AM. fuck lmao. ok enjoy

***

***

I lightly drummed my fingertips on the wooden table, humming to myself as I glanced up at the clock. Tori should be here any minute now.

Its been about a week since my encounter with Tori at Luca’s Ice Cream Shoppe and since then, I’ve managed to give her my number and semi let her into my life. It’s weird. I haven’t made “friends” with anyone other than my co-workers since Camila’s passing. The only person I had was Lucy and if she wasn’t watching the girls for me, she was spending time with Kandee (kay-n-dee). So it was nice but, weird, having someone I can just talk to whenever.

Today happened to be Tori’s last day in California and as weird as it sounded, I’m going to miss her. Her flight was to take off in about three hours from now and she was coming in to collect the demo she had recorded for her friend Karla and the few solo tracks we managed to edit and get done.

When I heard the creek of the studio door opening, I turned around and smiled at Tori as she shoved her wild curls out of her face and hurried in. “I’m so sorry I’m late. The checkout line at my hotel was crazy. I had to checkout before noon or they’d charge me for the night and I’ve been there since eight in the morning,” she explained with a loud sigh. “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, chuckling softly. “It’s fine Tori. I’m in no rush, you’re good,” I shrugged it off.

She nodded, seemingly relieved. “Thanks.”

Walking over to the recording booth, I grabbed the two CD cases before walking back over to Tori who was in the process of putting her hair up. “This is your demo and your other recordings,” I explained, handing it over when her hands were finally free.

A wide smile formed on her lips. She took the CDs from me before throwing her arms around me. I stood in shock for a few moments before laughing awkwardly and hugged her back. She pulled away, dimples on display. “Thank you so much Lauren. I can’t wait until Karla and my mom sees these,” she said, looking down at them with nothing but excitement.

I smiled. “I’m sure they’ll love it. You sound amazing.”

I watched as a small blush fell upon her cheeks before she looked up at me. “Thanks a lot Laur. I couldn’t have done all this without you.”

“Yeah you could’ve. You’re incredible all on your own,” I said. “Have you ever thought of moving out here and starting a music career? Any label would be fucking stupid not to sign you. I could even get you in touch with the label my w…” I trailed off, waving my hands around, hoping she’d catch on. She looked at me for a moment before her mouth formed an ‘O’ shape and nodded. “Yeah. With her label. It’s really hard to come across good talent nowadays. The industry could use real people like yourself.”

Tori shook her head, a bashful smile gracing itself on her lips. “I don’t know about all of that… my family is in Alaska. And Karla’s having a baby soon and her fiancée isn’t too fond of leaving town let alone the state.”

I shrugged, “Who says Karla and her crew has to come? I think you should put your dreams before them. But that’s just me. I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything, but if you ever feel like it’s the right time, you know where to reach me.”

Tori nodded slowly, in thought. “Well, Karla’s my best friend. And I don’t think I’d want to leave her all alone while I’m over here. And my mom and her sisters and brothers…” she shook her head. “Music is just a fantasy of mine I’ve gotten the chance to make reality within this last week and a half thanks to you. But I think after this, I’ll just let it stay a fantasy. I have too many people back home to just up and abandon to live some dream that’ll probably fail,” a small frown replaced her perfect smile.

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head before leading her over to the lounging couches to take a seat. My feet were hurting. I thought for a second, attempting to gather my words. “When I left my family and friends, I had just turned sixteen,” I started. “It was the scariest thing of my life. I auditioned to start my dream as a solo act but instead got paired with four girls who absolutely changed my life. It was beyond terrifying to be just a teenager leaving home. I left my little sister and brother, my grandma had died while I was on the road.

“I missed so much of my siblings growing up. And sometimes I really regretted it. I didn’t get to go to college like my brother and sister and everyone else I grew up with. I didn’t get that normal upbringing. But if I had the chance to go back and change anything, I wouldn’t. Because my dream had come true. I got to tour the world with my favorite people for four fucking years, married the woman of my dreams, had two beautiful daughters and now work with helping others make their dreams come true.

"It may be scary, and it may be hard letting go, but God it’s the best feeling in the world - knowing you’re impacting just one persons life with your voice. Its incredible. And I wouldn’t be sharing this with you if I didn’t think you were cut out for it. You remind me a lot of two people. One of my former bandmate’s, Ally. Always wanting to care about everyone, sometimes forgetting herself.

"And my wife… so much talent but so scared of upsetting people that they sit on it for years. When she left our group, people hated her. Hell, I hated her. But what I loved about her and still love to this day was that she finally got up one day and showcased her talent the way she wanted to. Not the way the world wanted her to. And hopefully that one day comes soon for you too.”

I wasn’t sure where all of that had come from. It seemed the the words just kept on falling through my ass crack and out my mouth and it wouldn’t stop. Kinda like when Dinah made those tacos all those years ago and we had only one bathroom. What a night.

Tori smiled slightly at me before laughing to herself, “Your wife seemed like an amazing woman.”

I shook my head, “Not seemed. She’s not gone. She’s always with me.”

Tori nodded, apologizing. “I’m sorry. Seems. I’m sure she’s really proud of you. Wherever she may be.”

I looked down at my fingers before sighing. I missed her. But I wouldn’t cry. Not today. Looking back up I smiled. “I sure hope so.”

***

“Promise you’ll visit again?” I asked, pulling away from Tori and I’s hug. I had offered to drop her off at the airport, insisting that Uber’s were crazy and Taxi’s were overpriced but really, I just wanted to spend a little more time with her. Of course she protested a million times. That’s something I learned about Tori in this last week. She hated feeling like a burden or like she was bothering you. I admired that about her.

A wide smile took over her features, dimples on full display saying hello to LAX. “Of course. I’ll text you when I land,” she promised.

Nodding once more, I watched as she turned around and heading to check in her luggage. Sighing to myself, I proceeded out the airport. Well, there goes another person in my life.

When I returned home, Lucy was watching TV on the couch, phone in hand and different pouches of candy scattered all over. I rolled my eyes.

“What are you, a troll?” I laughed, plopping down beside her.

She glanced at me with a raised eyebrow before looking back down at her phone. “Well hello to you too,” she mumbled.

“Where are the girls?” I asked, looking up towards the stairs. The house didn’t seem to be upside down like usual.

Lucy shut her phone off, looking at me. “Luna is probably sleeping off her sugar rush and Lana is in her art room.”

“You gave them candy?!” I yelled, throwing a couch pillow at her to which she caught with ease. “Stop trying to give my kids diabetes! You do this every time.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m just trying to sweeten up their lives. You’re the one making them drink fucking green vegetable shakes telling them they’d get cancer if they didn’t. The only thing at risk of giving those children cancer is whatever is in that  poison you call health,” she huffed, opening a new pack of skittles and downing a handful.

I looked at her for a moment before sighing to myself. “You’re absolutely ridiculous.”

“Yet you use to be in love with me.”

“Yeah, before you cheated on me and brought another woman in my bed,” I blurted out. Lucy turned to look at me, obvious pain behind her deep brown eyes. I sighed, shaking my head at myself. No wonder I had no friends. I’m such a mood killer. “Sorry, I was just fucking around.”

Lucy took a deep breath, looking down as she fumbled with the empty pack of skittles. “I know. I just can’t help but feel you’ll never fully forgive me for that…”

I shrugged, “I already forgave you. I guess it’s too sensitive of a topic to joke about.”

Lucy laughed humorlessly to herself, before looking at me again. “You say you forgave me but if you did, you would have given us another shot last year when I brought it up.”

I shook my head, “Don’t start again please. You’re with Kandee.”

“I know that, but you know if you would’ve given me a chance I’d be with you. Helping you raise Luna and Lana. I love those girls… and you. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to get you to replace Camila–”

“Can you just stop?” I cut her off. I looked away, not wanting to see the pain behind her eyes. “I thought we agreed on only being friends, Lucy,” I sighed. “Besides, my wife just died–”

“Oh my god Lauren its been four fucking years. She’s not your wife. She’s a dead woman. They found her remains. She’s gone. Luna and Lana hardly fucking remember her. Stop talking about her! We’re over it, you need to get over it too.”

I looked at Lucy in nothing but disbelief. Taking several calming deep breaths, I blocked out her attempts to apologize as I made my way up the stairs, stopping the tears from falling. Halfway up the stairs, I looked back down at Lucy who was now standing, getting ready to follow me up. “Please go home to your girlfriend and stop telling me how to live my life simply because you can’t get over the past.”

***

Tori tossed and turned in her bed. It was her first night back in Alaska and although she was happy to see her mom again, she’s been battling with an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach since earlier that day when she had went over to visit Karla, only for Kristen (Lola) to throw some absurd excuse as to why she couldn’t come in.

*Flashback*

Ringing the doorbell by the wooden door, Tori gripped the box of Hawaiian Pizza tighter from excitement. She had just arrived no less than two hours ago and was ready to surprise Karla with a box of her favorite pizza all while binge watching ‘Friends’.

When no one came to the door, she glanced at the driveway to make sure Kristen’s Dodge Durango was still there. Looking back at the closed door with a frown, she rang the doorbell two more times. “Maybe they just didn’t hear it,” she mumbled to herself.

A few minutes passed before she heard someone unlocking the several locks on the door. It was still crazy to her that Kristen felt that they needed six locks on one door, but she wasn’t one to judge.

When the wooden door to the cabin like three story home flew open, Tori smiled widely at Kristen, getting ready to walk in only to be stopped. Frowning, she shot Kristen a weird look. “Uh, I have pizza for Karla and I. I just got back from my trip,” she explained, waving the box of pizza in a form of obvious proof.

Kristen looked back into the house for a moment before stepping out and shutting the door behind her. Tori stumbled back, a confused frown permanently etched onto her lips. “What the hell? Why aren’t you letting me in?”

Kristen crossed her arms, looking at Tori with raised eyebrows. “Okay first, I have no obligation to let you into my home,” she started. “And two, Karla isn’t feeling too well. Pizza isn’t exactly something she should be eating.”

Ignoring Kirsten’s first comment, concern instantly washed over Tori. “What’s wrong with her? Why isn’t she feeling well?” She asked, attempting to weave around Kristen to go on inside. When she felt a strong arm shove her back, she grew angry. Light brown eyes glared at hazel ones. “What the fuck Kristen!”

Kristen rolled her eyes, holding Tori away. “She’s not having any visitors right now. She’s contagious.”

Tori scoffed, “That’s bullshit, I don’t care. Can I please just see her? To make sure she’s fine at least?”

Kristen raised an eyebrow, now glaring at Tori in annoyance. “What, do you not trust me? Just go home and rest Victoria. You probably have jet lag or something. You can come back next week.”

Tori’s eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. “Next week?! What the hell, please tell me what’s happening. Can I just say hi? I promise I’ll leave right after Kris,” she begged.

Her heart fell into her stomach when Kristen ignored her, walking back inside and shutting the door behind her. Concern was swarming throughout her body and she didn’t know what to do.

“Does Karla not wanna see me?” She mumbled to herself.

That was the only thing that made sense. Kristen wouldn’t intentionally keep her away like that. Even when Karla had strep throat, she was still allowed to see her. It wasn’t about it being contagious. Karla just didn’t want to see her anymore.

Frowning down at the box of pizza, she sighed, holding her tears in as she turned back around and headed back to her car.

***

Staring up at her bedroom ceiling, she huffed before crawling out of bed. Heading into the living room, she was about to make her way into the kitchen for some water when she realized her study room light was on. “I thought I turned that off…” she mumbled.

Crossing the floor of her living room and into her study room, she jumped nearly twenty feet into the air. Heart beating erratically, she held her chest as her breathing hitched.

“Oh hey Tori,” her mother greeted looking up from the computer screen in front of her before looking back down. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

She took a deep breath before letting it out. “I didn’t know you decided to stay,” she mumbled out, pulling a chair up and sitting down.

Her mom raised an eyebrow at her, “That’s never bothered you before.”

“Yeah I know, I’m sorry. Just kinda scared me…”

“Alright. Well what are you doing up? Don’t you have work? It’s nearly four in the morning.”

Sighing dramatically, she ran her hands up and down her face. “Just kind of worried about Karla,” she said quietly, playing with the loose thread on her pajama bottoms.

Looking away from the computer screen, Laura (Tori’s mother) turned to face her daughter and gave her full attention.  “What’s the matter with Karla? Is she having issues with the baby?”

Tori shook her head, shrugging. “I’m not even sure Ma. I went over there after my flight with a box of her favorite pizza and Kristen opened the door, and made up an excuse as to why I couldn’t come in. She said Karla had some sort of "contagious sickness” and that I should come back next week. But Ma, I was with Karla when when she had strep throat and every other illness. I think Kris is being a little sketchy. She even shoved me away when I tried to go inside.“

Laura gave her daughter a puzzled look before sighing. "I never really trusted that woman…”

“Karla? Why? You know she’s more honest than Mary herself.”

Laura shook her head laughing lightly. “Not Karla, she’s a sweetheart. I’m talking about Kristen.”

Tori frowned, “Oh. Well, this is the first time I’m actually doubting her words. I don’t really know her, whenever I’m around she’s either working in her office or not talking. Karla says she doesn’t like a lot of people and she’s really closed off.”

Laura rolled her eyes, sliding her rolling chair back and forth on the carpeted floor as she thought. “I don’t know sweetheart. She just has rubbed me the wrong way for far too long. I don’t think she’s as good of a person as you think she may be.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about Ma. Karla wouldn’t be with her if she was a bad person. I’m just overreacting because I couldn’t see my best friend,” Tori defended.

Laura sighed to herself as she stood up. Walking towards her daughter, she planted a soft kiss on her forehead, pushing her curly blonde locks back. “I like how you always want to see the best in people baby girl, but I’ve been around far longer than yourself. I think I know a good person verses a bad person when I see it. Maybe Karla herself doesn’t even know. But I could be wrong, just get some sleep. I’m heading to bed.”

Tori felt her shoulders drop. “Okay. Fresh towels in the guest room bathroom,” she called over her shoulder.

“Thanks baby! Go to sleep now.”

Tori didn’t know how long she sat in the study room of her condo just thinking. But when she finally decided to head on up to bed, the sun was nearly coming up. “I guess this calls for a phone call to work faking sick…”

Entering her room, she flopped down on her bed staring up at the ceiling. Looking over at her nightstand where her phone sat, she picked it up deciding to do a bit of internet surfing before sleeping.

On her screen was two messages from Lauren. “Oh shit.”

Lauren - 7:24 PM: Hey, I don’t mean to be annoying and shit but just checking in to make sure you landed safely??

Lauren - 2:03 AM: I’m kinda worried. I gotta head to bed now but I bet you’re just busy or sleeping or something. Get back to me when you can.

Sitting up, she couldn’t help but smile at her concern but felt bad at the same time. She totally forgot to text her after she landed.

Tori - 5:59 AM: hey, i’m really sorry. i literally JUST saw your messages. i landed safely. just been stressed.

Tori went to put her phone down and head to sleep when it all of a sudden beeped. Frowning down at it, she raised an eyebrow when she realized it was Lauren.

Lauren - 6:01 AM: Oh no it’s okay. Just glad you’re safe and all. Penny for your thoughts?

Tori - 6:01 AM: wow, did you stay up awaiting my message? lol. but nah, i don’t wanna bug ya

Tori fumbled with her phone as she waited for a new reply. “Sleep is for losers anyways,” she mumbled to herself.

Lauren - 6:04 AM: Nooo, lmfao. I have kids, remember? It’s like 7 AM and I gotta take them to school. And you won’t, I promise.

Chewing on her bottom lip, she contemplated talking to Lauren about her concerns before typing away on her phone.

Tori - 6:05 AM: ooohhhh. damn i’m sorry that legit slipped my mind. sucks you gotta be up so early )-:

Tori - 6:05 AM: and i’m just worried about karla, you know, the one i made the demo for? yeah her

Tori found herself falling asleep when Lauren didn’t reply after a few minutes. She was nearly in sleep world when her phone buzzed beneath her finger tips.

Lauren - 6:13 AM: Me being up early? Look at you. But what are you worried about? Her not liking it?

***

Walking up the stairs, body beyond sore, Camila banged her fist on the locked door. “L-Lola. Please, I’m sorry,” she croaked out through the shut door. She’s been down in that basement for far too long and she was tired. She rather live under Lola’s rules then down there in darkness.

She felt tears prick her eyes when no one came. She was probably gone. Limping back down the stairs, she walked over to her corner and sat. “Please hurry up and save me Lolo…” she whispered as the first tear escaped.

She had bruises covering every inch of her body. Her stomach was in severe pain. She didn’t even know if the being within her was still alive. She hasn’t felt a single kick in days and she couldn’t help but feel worried but relieved all at once.

Minutes after she had come back down the stairs, the basement door swung open, Lola standing at the top. She flicked on the lights and Camila stood up as quickly as her body would allow her to. “Please Lola, I’m sorry,” she whispered as she came closer. “Don’t leave me down here anymore. I’m scared.”

Lola stared at her fiancée for a few moments before dropping the wooden stick in her hand, watching as it tumbled down the stairs. Hazel eyes locked with brown ones as she descended from the staircase. Camila stumbled back slightly when Lola unexpectedly wrapped her arms around her. “I hate to teach you lessons like that love,” She could feel her body tremble in fear but forced herself to hug her back, scared she may upset her and make her leave her down here again. “I love you.”

She stayed silent, hoping she could pass as not hearing it, but of course Lola wouldn’t allow that. Pulling away, she bent down to stare her in the eyes. “I said, I love you,” Looking down, she felt Lola’s hand grip her chin firmly. “You love me too, right?” Camila could feel a fresh set of tears coming as she nodded hesitantly. “Words baby, use your words.”

“Y-Yes… I love you too,” she whispered softly.

Lola smiled a creepy smile before bringing her lips down to Camila and engaging her into a rough kiss. She could feel the bile of disgust rising up her throat as she forced herself to kiss back. Lola soon pulled away, smiling creepily at Camila. “Good girl. Now, we’re gonna go make sure our baby boy is okay, alright?”

***

Camila sat and looked around the small examination room nervously. Lola had covered all of her bruises up with waterproof makeup. You could still see the slight obvious swelling on her lip and left eye, but it looked mostly like bloating.

The ultrasound technician walked in with a bright smile. “Hello Karla, Kristen. Its been awhile,” Holly greeted.

Holly was the first ultrasound technician to take a look at Camila when she had found out she was pregnant and had helped them several times before. Its been a few months since they’d last seen each other.

Lola smiled at Holly; extending her hand out to which Holly shook. “It has, hasn’t it?”

Smiling slightly herself, Camila nodded, not in the mood to speak. “So lets begin, yeah?”

Laying back on the examination bed near the machine, Camila raised her shirt up, exposing her protruding stomach. She hoped the makeup Lola put wouldn’t rub off when Holly started with the gel.

She winced when Holly pressed the gel covered wand firmly onto her stomach, swiftly moving it around.

Minutes later, Holly gave Camila a wipe to clean herself up and smiled at her. “Dr. Peterson should be in shortly,” she said before walking out.

Lola and Camila sat in silence as they waited for the OBGYN. Soon, the familiar blonde haired woman walked in with a bright smile. “Karla, Kristen! How is my favorite couple doing?” She laughed, taking a seat at the doctors chair.

After doing the usual friendly greeting, Dr. Peterson set her belongings down on the table before going over Camila’s chart silently for a moment before turning to the “couple.”

“Well, everything looks pretty decent to me. What does concern me although is the slightly slowed down heartbeat but that could just be due to early stages of the pregnancy,” or your crazy bitch of a “fiancée” trying to kill you by kicking your stomach over and over for an hour straight, she thought to herself. “Kristen, do you mind stepping outside with me? I want to speak to you about something,” Dr. Peterson requested.

Lola glanced at Camila before looking at Dr. Peterson and nodding. Camila watched in silence and confusion as the two women walked out of the room.

Minutes passed and neither have returned. Camila glanced around nervously before her eyes landed on Dr. Peterson’s cell phone sitting on the counter. A risky thought crossed her mind as she glanced at the door.

She waited a few more minutes to make sure no one was coming before quickly getting up and dashing across the room to retrieve the cellular device. “Please don’t have a lock, please don’t have a lock, please don’t have a lock,” she whispered over and over again to herself as she turned it on. She paced around impatiently as the apple logo came onto the phone. Glancing back the door, her eyes widened when she saw the handle turning slightly.

Looking at the phone in her hand that was currently rebooting, she shoved it into her bra and made her way back to the examination table, sitting and acting as normal as she possible could. Praying that Dr. Peterson doesn’t notice her missing phone right away.

“Well, you ladies are free to go. Make a follow up appointment for a well check in four weeks at the front desk. Hope to see you soon,” she smiled, gathering her things all at once and walking out.

Lola looked at Camila with a raised eyebrow. “C'mon.”

Standing in place Camila tried to think of an excuse as quickly as possible. “I… I uh. I have to poop!” She blurted out.

Lola looked at her with slightly wide eyes before sighing. “You can do that at home.”

“I can’t hold it,” she insisted.

Lola rolled her eyes in annoyance, “Hurry up and ask someone for the bathroom.”

Nodding and shooting Lola a small nervous smile to seem as unsuspicious as possible, Camila hurried and waddled out of the exam room, spotting a near by bathroom and walking in. She quickly locked the door behind her.

Taking the phone out from her bra, she was surprised that Lola didn’t notice it considering the fact that she had absolutely no breasts and anything against her chest was pretty obvious but she thanked god she hadn’t cause she was kind of nervous to find out what Lola would have done if she did. Lola never allowed her to have a phone, being the main reason why she’s never been able to find help for herself. Lola tracked her every move. Almost like a stalker. She couldn’t tell her co-workers because Lola was pretty much always at work with her or watching from afar. Lola was everywhere. But this was her moment. Her one chance.

Turning the phone on, she slid her thumb across the screen and nearly cried tears of joy when she realized there was no lock. She begged her mind to remember the one persons number she hoped and prayed stayed the same all these years. Her thumbs shook nervously as she typed away.

***

“Wait, I gotta go grab my phone!” She called out before running up the stairs and into her room.

Walking over to her nightstand, she picked it up getting ready to chuck it into her purse before it vibrated several times. Her heart stopped at what she read. Someone had to be fucking with her.

At least that’s what she thought until she read the last message.

Unknown - 2:34 PM: dinah, i need your help. it’s camila

Unknown - 2:34 PM: please don’t reply to this number. its not my phone

Unknown - 2:35 PM: im in yakutat alaska. lola is literally keeping me hostage

Unknown - 2:36 PM: i cant explain much but im in danger and i need your help. please. is lauren ok? are my kids ok?

Unknown - 2:36 PM: fuck dont answer that. i have no time at all. but if you do see them, tell them i love them so much and i miss them more than anything in the world

Unknown - 2:37 PM: i told lola i had to take a shit but i gotta hurry. dont reply back. PLEASE! just send help. im in yakutat alaska living on 5285 maplewood road

Unknown - 2:37 PM: please… im begging you cheech. help me

***

a/n: oooooooo…. alright. welp, this chapter sucked ass but idk. tell me what you think.

what do you think is gonna happen next?

what do you think about tori’s mom’s suspicions?

how do you feel about what lucy said?

what do you expect going forth?

how do you think dinah will respond to those messages?

what do you think dr. peterson and lola had to talk about?

camila and her new son on the way?

what are your overall thoughts?

thanks so much for reading. dont forget to comment and vote, ily yall.

to my tumblr readers, add this story on my wattpad to comment, vote, ask direct questions, etc. @ wthbello also don’t forget to follow (:

ellianna, xxxxxxxx