#wrote this back on my birthday and meant to post it sooner | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 21 years ago

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WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2003 What contradicting fools! I emailed Incense Galore to ask when I’d receive my order and they wrote back saying that it should be shipped out early in the week, as early as next Friday. Well, Friday is not early in the week. Either way, they say they’ll email me when it gets shipped. The reason for the delay is that it’s hand-dipped and not made up until ordered. They don’t grab the stuff from storeroom shelves and send it right out.

It is so, so beautiful out there right now. A little warm in here, though. Instead of paying the money to run the AC for a little while, I’ve opened the kitchen, retreat, office and living room windows to let the easterly breeze push the warm air out. Got a couple of fans on too, to help. At first I was hesitant, thinking of giant spiders, but knowing it isn’t psychically possible for them to fit through the screen, I opened the windows, but am keeping the lights off so as not to attract little tiny bugs that can get through it. I’ll only leave them open for a couple of hours or so.

I left Kate a birthday message, though I doubt she’ll ever see it. They have this site where you can leave her messages wishing her a happy birthday, so I said what the hell, and I left a quick message. I even told her I had a crush on her! Why not? Most of the others did. Besides, what could anyone do to me for it, sue me?

Here are our current pet plans. We’re going into Pick-A-Pet first thing Saturday morning. If we’re told that little rats get too big for the Crittertrail cages we have in mind, then we won’t get the cages or any more rodents for now. We can get a dog anytime as I can always raise whatever animals we do have above and beyond its reach. Also, the little rats wouldn’t be allowed to roam free without being in plastic balls, and this pisser I got now can’t run free anymore. Only on the bed or on us! I don’t know if Tom really wants a dog, though. It’d mean some work and some money, that’s for sure. It’d mean putting up a chicken wire fence if we’re never going to have real fences, interior or exterior, and me? Well, I guess it’d depend on the dog. As I told Tom, two things must be agreed upon first and that’s that there must be a doggie door installed before getting the dog, and the dog must be returned if it turns out to be either too aggressive or too obnoxious, or I swear I’ll dump it.

I got a slew of catalogs and magazines today. One of them had a couple of perfume samples. I wasn’t impressed with JLO’s Glow, but Calgon’s Hawaiian Ginger was really nice. Even Tom liked it.

I had vibes of us moving between 2009 - 2011, though I don’t know where to. Tom thought we’d move sooner than that. It’ll depend on how fast this place keeps building up. If they ever make that subdivision just a few miles away where the old vineyards were, that’d make us a ton of money.

Although I know it’s not our fault that our outside projects got delayed, I’m getting awfully sick of things not happening around here. So much so that I’m just about ready to write off any kind of fences, finishing driveways, landscaping, shed paneling, porches, pools, and finishing installing the posts. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if we never got to do any of the things we talk about doing, but it’d be nice if sometimes we could do at least some of them. We’ve had these projects on hold for so long that I’m seriously wondering if they’re even meant to be, so I really think we should just forget them altogether. Especially if I’m right, and I sure seem to be, about something not wanting us to make ourselves comfier here.

I’m almost afraid to move, no matter when we do and no matter where to. If part of my punishment for moving here was 6 months in jail, what’ll it be next time? A few years in prison?

So where will we move to? I have no idea and neither does he. I guess there are only 5 possibilities, though. We either stay in AZ and get a nicer house, we stay in AZ and get tons more land and 2-3 old small junkers to live in, we go to a beachy place, we go to a wooded place or we get a houseboat. One thing I know I’ll never do is move to a seasonal climate such as Massachusetts. No moving to places with lots of cold and snow! The snow may’ve been fun to play in as a child, but as an adult, I hate the shit. I still think we may end up in a retirement community once we get old and need doctors more often.

I had a dream I ran into Deanna and in the dream, she asked me who made me a racist.

“Why, you,” I told her.

“Me?” she said with shock.

“You as a whole,” I said. “Oh, I was always aware of various people’s varied opinions of blacks, but I am only the racist that you yourselves have made me.”

This is exactly what I would say to anyone who asks me. It’s true. No one told me to be either way. They taught me to dislike them all on their own with their horrendous behavior. If they’d drop the race crutch, get into the present, let us achieve equality and not use weapons against us like the law in my case, then just maybe I’d have a change of heart. Right now, though, it’s still discrimination for us to have our white this and white that, but perfectly okay for them to have their black channels, black pageants, black everything. What I don’t get is this – if it’s so damn important to them that we like and accept them, and it obviously seems to mean the world to them, then why do they carry on the way they do?

Tom’s finger is still sore, and my tooth is acting up again. Tom said it makes sense, though, as I’m not telekinetic, whereas a cold is a disease, unlike broken bones or cavities. If I had the power to move objects, I’d be able to have every doll I wanted materialize right before my eyes. How I wish I was telekinetic! Not just to make things appear, but to pick people up that piss me off and slam them into the wall would be way fun as I have as much compassion and empathy as I do not! At least I can make them sick.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2003 My day was off to quite a scary start. I saw this coming, too. Yes, it was something I predicted two years ago. When the well went out in November of ’01, I vibed that every 2-3 years there’d be a problem. I felt that about two years from then would be the next one and I know I documented this as well as told Tom about it.

When I got up at 2 PM there was no water. I called and told Tom about it. I went out to check around and didn’t find any water leaking anywhere by the house or out by the well. The pressure gauge on the water tank was down to 0.

While I was standing out there, I could see the house in front that’s closest to us more clearly. In fact, from that angle, I could see the built-in front porch. That will surely entice them to hang out front more.

APS put up the utility poles over there, though no wires have been strung yet and the second house is still elevated.

It appears that that lot was split up as is a popular trend these days and that there’s a strip of land for sale between the new houses and next door. We could end up with quite a few more houses around here. Not a good thing if you don’t like people and barking, but a good thing if you like money.

Anyway, amazingly enough, Tom got the well problem fixed within a half-hour of being home! It turned out to be the same problem we had before where the wire shorted. At least the pump’s okay, and since we made the switch from PVC to galvanized piping, we can’t have the problem we also had before where a hole formed in the plastic bullshit we had for pipes, allowing the pumped water to leak out and back into the ground, preventing it from getting up to the tank, much less to the house. What happened was that the wire rubbed against the metal rim of the top pipe due to the vibration of the pump, and remember, this is a monster of a pump we’ve got. The 5-horsepower pump can pump 25 gallons a minute. When the wire shorted, it tripped the circuit breaker, but not all the way. Once Tom realized this, he threw the breaker back on and to our utter relief and delight, we heard the monster pump pumping 800’ below us and the gage’s needle began to slowly creep up. So slowly that Tom wondered if I had any faucets turned on at first, till he realized that it was going slow because the hot water tank was filling as well as the toilets. Fortunately, because I hadn’t gotten up till 2:00, I only needed to use each toilet once which you can do when you lose power or water. As Tom reminded me, we do have 15 gallons of water stored out back that’d allow us to flush the toilets about 8 times or so, and of course, we have our bottled drinking water. The only issue would be showers if we lost water long enough. We’d have to go to Miss Perfect’s as we did before. Either way, we have had so many problems out here. It’s great not having bass-banging freeloaders a few feet away, and it’s great not being chained to the cigarettes that nearly killed me, and it’s great wanting material things for a change instead of impossible non-material things because the material dreams/goals are usually possible. (delayed but not denied, for the most part) However, we’ve had leaks, well problems, heat pump problems, and of course, I was denied the right to live here for half a year. Makes you really wonder if someone lit a black candle with us in mind. I used to think it was all God picking on us, and perhaps it is, but now I’m leaning more and more towards suspecting an evil spirit of some sort dwelling upon this land.

That’s the third fucking spider I’ve seen in here today. Not a good sign. Especially since we just bombed. Tom says it’s because we bombed right before the weather cooled down so they’re all trying to get in the house now, along with the fact that we’ve been in and out a lot. I hope that’s all it is because spiders seem to be a sign of evil. Bad things seem to happen more often the more of them we see in here. Still, he’s going to spray the outsides of the doors and windows.

During the extremely long few hours I waited for Tom to come home, I figured why not take it out on the liar? So I called Paula and vented on her machine about the well and her bullshitting me about the Yves money. The word no was created for a reason. She should try using it next time an offer is made to her that she’s not interested in.

Tom did a survey (of course it’s for free) that he was glad to get so he could tell them how lousy Verizon Wireless service is out here. I wish I could get a survey about wells cuz then I could say how much those suck, too! Of course, if you don’t have a breakage curse on you, yours just might be able to go more than a year or two without problems. I mean, I was really, really worried! And so many of our problems seem to be multi-thousand dollar ones, too. I also thought it an odd coincidence that this should happen after Mom gave us the money as if to either compensate us or force us to put the money into the well and not on our regular day-to-day expenses.

Whether or not there’s something that doesn’t welcome our existence here, Tom’s always looking for the right window of opportunity to move. Interest rates aren’t always this low, he pointed out, so we’ll have to decide if we think the place is going to keep building up or stop sometime soon, but my vibes say it’ll keep building up. I still think that by ’05, the last rental will be installed in back and there’ll be something in front of us, too. With our shit luck there’ll be 10 houses in front of us, but the more houses, the more money. In fact, even though I think we’ll be here another 5-10 years, we were talking about getting a loan and building houses on our land ourselves which is what we should’ve done in the first place. As soon as we got welfare bums next to us, we should’ve purchased a shit trailer and lived in it till we built our own house and built it right. I didn’t come out here to live with other people, though, so as soon as we make the splits and either sell the raw land or the housed land, we gotta go. I understand that kids will be kids and I have nothing against them, but I don’t care to listen to little Kimmie squealing with delight as she stirs up their dogs that are parked outside 24/7 while little Timmy runs around the land, including ours, to the tune of daddy’s blasting car stereo. As it is, the dogs next door are getting worse. Well, it’s not so much that they’re getting worse as it is getting easier to hear them because of the cooler weather. Sounds travel better the colder the temperature is because of cooler air’s thinner. They’re either inside during the daytime or are asleep, then they wander about barking on and off from sunset to sunrise. Oh well. It’s nothing a psychic of my kind shouldn’t be able to fix.

When I pointed out how many new houses are now visible just from our land alone since we moved in here 4 years ago, he said, “But look at the 10 years before we did. There wasn’t much of a build-up during that time.”

I had to remind him that they were just waiting for us. “People and noise follow us. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” I asked him.

I’m down two pounds to 128. I can lose another pound or two, but that’s as far as I can go.

Daylight savings kicked in, so Mary and the liar are 2 hours ahead and not 3.

In a few hours California time, it’ll be my girlfriend’s birthday. How old she is depends on which sites you believe. Some say she was born in ’48 and others say ’49. Either way, at 55 or 56, Kate’s getting up there.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2003 Back up to 130 pounds, and no, I don’t think the water pills affected my metabolism after all. I think I’m just like all middle-aged people. Everything changes after 30. Even your skin! It dries the hell out and loses its firmness. Anyway, I want nothing more than to say fuck it, eat when I’m hungry and not worry about my weight, but if I do, then all my doll money will have to go to new clothes as I get bigger, so I have no choice but to lose a few pounds. I’m just so sick of being forced to diet and lose the same few pounds that keep coming back! Life’s a series of trade-offs, though. At least it has been for me. So I know that that means that if I were suddenly skinny and were to stay that way for a while, I’d be compensated with a whole new problem. I’d rather have weight problems than, say, freeloader problems.

Speaking of them, this new year that’s just a couple of months away will be the first year without the black bitch in it since 1996. Sad, huh? Yeah, I was being sarcastic. I just hope it stays this way and that they don’t start in with us and pop back into our lives ever again! It won’t work if they do. Meaning that whatever they have planned won’t work because I won’t be dumb enough to fall for any traps of theirs ever again. Never with them, never with me!

Anyway, I’m just a few days away from my would-be day of freedom had someone not finally done right by me and let me move on and get on with my life once and for all. And the last of these damn numbers scribbled all over the calendars! I had been doing a countdown.

I still wonder if the freeloaders ever knew I was cut off early. A part of me thinks not because they didn’t stir up a fuss about it. More of me, though, thinks they do know because of how closely they were kept informed of everything else. I’ll bet they were notified every time I sneezed between October of ‘00 and 6 months ago!

See, when I think back to God allowing the freeloaders to do what they did to me, I can’t help but believe I’m cursed. Then when I think of Tom and how far I’ve come in life, I can’t help but believe I’m blessed. I think it’s more than obvious that I’m both. I’m so blessed because I’m so cursed, and I’m so cursed because I’m so blessed. I would be, for example, just as scared as I would be happy to win a million dollars, for I know that if I did, he’d be right there to compensate me greatly. Probably get in an accident and end up paralyzed! Or get an eye disease and go blind so I couldn’t enjoy all the dolls I’d buy.

It’s hard to believe it, but today’s my 16th journal-writing anniversary. God, 16 years ago it was like I was a whole different person in a whole different place with a whole different life!

Though not without much empathy and understanding, I had to laugh when Mary wrote in her book about what it would say if when she was born God put a sign on her listing all the hardships she’d have to endure. Let’s see… if God slapped a sign on me the day I was born it’d say:

You’re going to be basically miserable till you get well into your 20s. First I’m going to assign you to the shittiest of parents you can have, or close enough to it, in a state with shitty weather. Then I’m going to give you equally shitty siblings and make sure you end up stuck in lots of places you don’t want to be in. You’ll struggle like hell financially as an adult and be attracted to people you can’t have. In fact, I’ll not only keep the really good-looking ones away from you, but I’ll curse you sexually and make sure there’s always some sort of problem in bed with one of you or that there’s no desire for intimacy at all. While I’m doing all this, I’ll make sure that anyone I send to fuck you over gets away with it and then some! You’ll not be allowed to make money for yourself, but don’t worry, you’ll be a damn good financial asset to others.

Later…

There. I jogged for 15 minutes, then did my tummy crunches. It makes me feel good to know I did it, even if I’ll always be heavy. Fat, chubby, thin, we should still keep in shape. Because of my height, or rather lack of it, it’s all the more important I keep my muscles and stamina built for the next ever-so-sorry person to threaten me or actually make a move to attack me. Where I lack in size, I make up for in strength and temper.

I’d starve myself if I thought it’d do any good, but as I learned, it won’t. Oh, I’ll lose a few pounds initially, but that’d be about it. I remember when the dentist and her assistant were talking about food and dieting and how the dentist commented that her assistant never ate. This assistant was pretty fat too, and I remember thinking, bullshit. If you didn’t eat you wouldn’t be so big, but as I learned, you really can starve and still hold your weight if you’re older.

Now here’s where I fail to understand people’s faith in God. Southern California is being hit with tons of fires and they showed crowds of spectators on TV, one which held a sign saying: May God be with Southern California.

Well, obviously he’s not, or else why would the fires have started in the first place? Because he cares so damn much? Please! He’s picking on these particular people in this particular area. Why, I do not know, but he’s supposed to have his reasons for everything.

The rabbits were picking on our poor lone little palm tree, too. When I went outside and looked down into the center of the tree, I could see lots of green and healthy-looking fronds, but the rabbits kept chewing them off, so Tom put chicken wire around them. Now maybe the damn thing can grow once and for all. It still looks pretty shabby and has been hanging onto life by a thin thread.

It was gorgeous today. It was actually cool in here at 5 AM. When I was out waiting for Tom to arrive home from work, Shiny was out. The poor guy looks so thin. I gave him a hotdog and he ate the whole thing. He’s come to be so trusting and affectionate. He even was almost brave enough to come inside the house, though with the weeds and dust all over him, I’m rather glad he didn’t. The 3 things I hate most about this land are the weeds, dust and ants!

Got some drafts from Mary today and a box full of that Smile’s coffee. They keep bullshitting us. The digital camera Tom wants was supposed to come with the second order, but then we found that we were supposed to send in a card for it. Tom decided he was just going to say he sent in the card and never got the camera and see what happens. Meanwhile, I’m stocked up on coffee for quite a while, though this stuff’s not that great.

Just finished Mary’s latest drafts and she is so, so right about so much of what she says and describes and she does it so very well, too! As a victim of abuse myself (though not by past lovers), I know what she means when she talks about believing the shit you hear. You can only tell a kid so many times how they should’ve never been born, won’t amount to shit, etc.

She’s also so right about fantasy versus reality and the control we have/don’t have over it. We have little control over real-life events. If God chose to strike my Tom dead be it by a drunk driver, a heart attack or whatever weapon of choice, there’d be nothing I could do about it but kill myself and hope to join him in spirit immediately, but in fantasy, you’re in 100% total control. I think that’s why so many of us fantasize so much and write our little poems and stories; because reality doesn’t always go the way we’d like it to. The bulk of my life has been wonderful since moving to Maricopa, minus the times the freeloaders were fucking with it, yet even so, I still love to fantasize. Narrow-minded people like Dureen and Art O. would say it’s unhealthy, but I think just the opposite. Besides, as long as one can distinguish fact from fiction, then where’s the harm, for example, in my fantasizing about being with Kate?

She’s also got a point when she talks about how people are quick to jump to save a lost or injured child, but to hell with getting involved in an adult’s troubles. Why, I wonder. Adults are people too, and when people do get involved, it’s usually in the wrong kind of way. Take that time I got into a fight with Ida, for instance. It was our battle, yet the whole damn pod just had to get involved and stick their noses in it. So, I know just where she’s coming from.

I just feel so bad for her having to live with people who are the exact equivalent of spoiled, selfish little children. They get up and they scream all day. And of course there is the lack of consideration and the begging. Had I been blind and stupid back in Estrella, I’d truly believe that I was the only one there who wasn’t just 15 years old.

I’ve got a question for her in my next letter. I’m glad we’re as different as we are alike. We’re alike enough to understand each other but different enough to learn from one another. Well, it deals with her being into astrology. I don’t know if I believe in it, though after my own personal experiences with the unexplained, I don’t laugh at it. In fact, and I mean no offense to her by saying this, I’d be quicker to laugh at someone for believing God is good than I would at someone for wearing a dime around their ankle thinking it’ll bring them good luck. Anyway, I have lived nearly 38 years and have noticed that the first few years of each decade seem to be worse for me than other parts of the decade. There’s no comparison between 1980-1982 as opposed to the rest of the decade and it was the same at the start of the 70s and 90s. It also seems the 2000s have started off pretty shitty with the exception of moving to Maricopa and into this house, but once I hit ’03, things began to greatly improve. Well, I was wondering if any of this means anything to her. As a Sagittarius, I wonder if she’s ever read anything about it. Having lived for nearly 4 decades, it seems a rather odd coincidence. Odd enough that I do not look forward to the years 2010-2012!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2003 The incense has been ordered. I can’t wait! I should have it in 7-10 days. They didn’t have Chanel on their order list, so I substituted it with CK B. That would be Calvin Klein, a name-brand perfume.

Yesterday was miserable as far as allergies go. I was sneezing on and off for hours.

A couple of days ago I received some drafts from Mary to type up which I finished tonight. It still never ceases to amaze me how one can have such a good vocabulary yet not know how to write.

She said my book was fabulous. She was a little disturbed by the layout, she said, but that’s what a good book does to you. I’m not sure what she meant by a disturbing layout. I guess the suspense got to her, but she reads books like that anyway.

In the mail, I also got these foam pad samples. I guess they’re supposed to be karate training mats. I thought they were a few feet wide, but instead they were only a few inches wide.

I also received the form to send away for my $20 Toys R Us card. The $25 Walmart card should be arriving anytime now for signing up for one of their trial offers that we canceled.

The good news is that I warded off a cold that was setting into Tom and cured a cavity that I had form, but I haven’t been able to make his finger better. He cracked a bone in it while working on the truck and I don’t seem to be able to help it so far.

Friday night we went to Casa Grande. I got KFC and we both got some things in Circle K. I got some wine coolers and pumpkin pie coffee. He got a crossword ticket and said it’d be a winner because the word rat was on it. Sure enough, he won $10.

He got what he asked for when he asked Mom for $3000 today. That will hopefully get us through without us having to struggle and worry until he finds a better job elsewhere cuz these people are never going to pay him shit.

Mom sent back a puzzle for me, but I don’t know if I’ll like it because it has so much of the same color in it. It was nice of her, though.

So Tom wouldn’t be going over there empty-handed, I gave him some hard candy to give to Mom.

I got a bright idea today. I mean, it’s a hell of a long shot and all that, but it hit me that there’s a way to list the stuff I want to sell for free and for an unlimited amount of time. Through Webshots! I’ve seen people trying to sell things through them before, including snakes. So, with shipping included in the price, I’m asking $120 for Samantha, $50 for Amelia, $35 for each vinyl doll, and $25 for each plate. I know no one will buy them, though, not just because of the curse on me, but because they probably wouldn’t trust me, not that I could blame them. After all, I could rip them off completely by not sending the product once the money was received, though I wouldn’t do that.

I’m out of debt now too, thanks to Mom, so now begins my New Year’s shopping spree save-up. Between the things I save, the Walmart card and my birthday and Christmas money, I hope to order two nice dolls in January, in which case I’d go for the most expensive ones like Alexa and Becky because they’d take more time to save up for. I probably won’t receive them till late February, so about 4 months from now. There are 3 things that are important to me when I make the order and that's that they have beaded armatures, realistic-looking eyes and inset lashes. I hate those phony, painted-on lashes they sometimes do for the lower lashes. That’s okay on small dolls, but not on these big 28” and 29” dolls.

It looks like winter’s finally setting in. We didn’t need the AC last night or all day today! That alone will save us a ton of money.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2003 Wow! I stopped Tom’s cold from setting in. I didn’t know I could do that! Therefore, I’m putting a spell on the cavity I got brewing and hopefully it’ll close up. I haven’t had any irritation within that tooth so far today and I put the spell on it last night before bed. Anyway, the night before last Tom fell asleep really early, feeling run down and like he was coming down with a cold. That’s when I set to work immediately doing my thing. It’s cool that I can make an asshole sick, but it’d be even cooler if I could cure our ailments.

Another not-so-great sample came in the mail yesterday and that was these vitamin mixes that you mix in water. The tropical one wasn’t very good and I sure as hell wasn’t about to try the orange one, knowing how much I hate citrus.

I was at the incense site and read through their everyday bargain page to find that for every 10 packs you buy, you get 2 free packs of the same size, so I’m getting 12 freebies and a total of 76 scents which will be: African Sunrise, Almond, Amber, Angel, Baby Powder, Banana, Bayberry, Beautiful, Blueberry, Brown Sugar, Bubble Gum, Bubblicious, Butt Naked, Butter Rum, Butterscotch, California Spring, Caramel Apple, Cedar, Chanel, Charisma, Chocolate, CK 1, Cleopatra, Climax, Coconilla, Coconut, Coffee, Cool Water, Desert Sage, Escape, Eternity, French Vanilla, Fruit, Giorgio, Golden Sandalwood, Grape, Green Tea, Hazelnut, Honey, Hot Love, Icy Vanilla, Intimate, Kiwi Strawberry, Kiwi, Lick Me All Over, Mango, Maple, Midnight Lover, Mint, Musk, Night Promise, Night Queen, Obsession, Ocean Breeze, Papaya, Peaches & Cream, Poison, Pumpkin Pie, Pussy, Rainforest, Raspberry, Sandalwood, Sex on the Beach, Sexy, Shalimar, Silk Panties, Strawberry, Sunflower, Sweet Pea, Tootsie Roll, Vanilla Nut, Venice Beach, Watermelon, White Diamond, White Linen, White Shoulders.

No one’s worked on the houses in front for the last few days, but hey, every day delayed is one less day I have to hear their shit.

I still give the rabbits extra bread and lettuce, but since they’re out at night as well as during the daytime, I prefer feeding them at night so that the birds and ants don’t get any of it.

I’m still tempted to rebel against fate and try to sell the two porcelain dolls, two vinyl dolls and two plates with no reserve, figuring that if they sell, getting something for the stuff is better than nothing. I’ll have to ask Tom if he thinks it’s worth the $18 it’d take to list the stuff. I figured we wouldn’t set starting bids on anything but the porcelains - $50 for Samantha and $20 for Amelia. Should we go for it or just accept the fact that I wasn’t put on this earth to generate any money?

Later…

I decided it was worth the extra $3.30 to get 8 more scents by rounding my paid scents off to an even 70 and getting two more freebies, so I added Heaven, Queen of Sheba, Booty Call, Karess, Juniper Breeze, Joy, Jazz and Bump & Grind.

I also decided Little Fella might like it better being around me more now that his roommate’s gone, so I moved him into the office.

We’re psyched about the idea of getting small rats and new houses/tubes. We can buy the housing at PetSmart through Memolink and get 4 points for every dollar we spend. It should cost us around $60 for cages and accessories which will give me 240 points. I’m still worlds away from the 8300 I need for the $50 Walmart card but I’ll get it sooner or later.

The rats we’ll get at Pick-A-Pet in Casa Grande. They have a good selection of small, medium, and large rats.

I don’t know exactly when we’ll get these things, but I imagine we will before the year’s out.

Paula called again, and again she left no message. I’m waiting to see which story she’ll leave a message about; that she couldn’t afford it or that she sent the money. I’m just sick of being lied to. I’m sick of people who are all talk and no action and who can’t simply say “no” to the things they don’t want to or can’t do. Why is “no” such a big deal for most people? I’m tired of doing for those I can’t get shit for in return. I do so much for people, but what do I get if I should one day ask for the littlest thing from them? I get bullshitted is what I get and I’m sick of it. Loyal or not, I have no need for Paula B in my life.

I was a whole different person when I met up with Paula on Locust St. 15 years ago. Meaning, if I were meeting her today, I wouldn’t give her the time of day any more than I would with Fran and Nervous.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2003 I moved Little Fella back into a wire cage, but not the newer one. I put him in the older one for variety’s sake. I think he’s happier with more space and with wire walls to climb versus glass. The base of this cage has higher walls which prevents bedding from getting kicked out as much. Its base is also easier to dump and the door opens easier.

Here are a couple of reports I heard, one shocking, one not so shocking. The not-so-shocking one reports that childless relationships are the most likely to last, for even if a couple wants/loves the kids, it puts lots of stress on the couple and causes more disagreements than they’d normally have. The shocking one reports that those who don’t live together prior to marriage are most likely to last.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2003 The liar’s trying to call right now, but I’m just ignoring her. She may’ve been loyal all these years, but I can’t deal with any more stories from her. All she’s going to do is say she either sent the money or is going to. Meanwhile, it’s all bullshit and I know it.

In other news, sadly, Oreo died. He was gone when I got up. I have him in a little box waiting to be buried once Tom gets in.

I collapsed and washed the big wire cage and put Little Fella in a tank. Since he doesn’t wheel and wouldn’t need a wheel hogging up the space, I figured it was suitable enough for a big old lazy guy like him.

Later…

Oreo’s now buried next to Little Buddy, Houdini, Ratsy and Scuttles. We’re just glad he went fast. I hate it when they get tumors because then it is a long, drawn-out ordeal.

It’s a small world. Especially here in Maricopa. Tom met the guy who used to live next door. He’s been working there for 7 years. He’s white. Only his ex and ex-mother-in-law are Mexican. They’re divorced now, but their son goes to stay with him on weekends. Good. That way if the boy ends up being the type to blast his car stereo when he’s old enough to drive, I’ll only have to hear it 5 days a week and not 7, if we’re still here.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2003 I’m up to 1206 points on Memolink. That’s because I won lotto points for the fifth time. That’s twice I won 25 points and 3 times I won 5.

I forgot to mention that in Mary’s last letter to me, she told me some things about José that got me confused. It had been my understanding that he was in for murder connected to a drug sale gone wrong, but now Mary’s saying he’s in for killing this guy that was trying to kill him. He was supposedly working as the guy’s handyman when he attacked him and José defended himself, but due to Florida’s lack of self-defense laws, he’s supposedly in for murder because of this guy. I don’t know what to believe, and truthfully, I’d be lying if I said I even cared. It’s Mary’s business, not mine.

She’s worried that going to prison will give her a bad label for life, though I think that just like me, she’s already pretty much labeled for life and labels don’t go away. I tried to assure her that I understood how easy it can be for one to fume over bullshit labels, but to try not to let them get her down. I know and understand how falsely they can represent someone, too. If I didn’t know her and was told of her charges – theft, assault, neglect, I’d think she was a cold-hearted bitch. But I know her and I know how twisted these so-called labels and charges really are.

Same with my case. If one didn’t know me and the nitty-gritty details of my case, they probably would think I picked on the sickos next to us in Phoenix without provocation and for no good reason other than their skin color. I admit I used race as a weapon in my journal entries when in fact the real issue was their antics and harassing us. It’s like a guy who rapes. It isn’t about sex for him, it’s about rage. Sex is simply the weapon of choice used to vent that rage. Well, it wasn’t the brightest thing for me to do, not knowing the laws out here, but see how sending journal entries with racial slurs made it look like they were the victims, along with the lies and exaggerations on both their part as well as the media’s? Just because I don’t like blacks doesn’t mean I see one and say to myself, “I’m gonna go pick on them cuz they’re black.” I simply try to ignore and avoid them. It’s just that these particular ones we had to live with wouldn’t allow me the privilege of doing so, and in a state that favors blacks and is anti-Jewish, it was easy to turn the tables and make things appear to be what they weren’t. My point? I understand her worries pertaining to labels.

With all the people out here on probation, I’m surprised I don’t see Scot drive by from time to time. I almost wish I would. That way I could smile to myself, knowing it isn’t me he’s coming to see.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2003 I forgot to mention that on Friday, the first of the freebies arrived. Two-foot balm samples and two body lotions. They weren’t that great.

Instead of going to his mom’s today, he’s got a plan which is to call her during the middle of the week and let her know he’ll be stopping by next weekend. Hopefully, that will give her enough time to think about offering money on her own.

I looked at my doll chart and amazingly, I’ve only gotten 2 porcelain dolls this year. Also amazingly, I’ve gotten 14 Barbies, though 3 of them have gone to the liar back east.

When the hell is it ever going to cool off? It’s been way hot. Usually, it’s cooled down by mid-October.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2003 The Spring Bouquet Barbie came today and she is just beautiful! What a lovely gown of colorful pastels and glittery flowers. She also holds a basket of iridescent flowers.

I got a letter from Mary. The inmates continue to be loud and inconsiderate, she got the book copies, likes my haircut and that’s pretty much it. No new court dates as of yet.

I know I said I wouldn’t spend any money till after New Year’s, but I’m excited about this incense site I stumbled upon. I ordered a free sample of Black Sandalwood. Anyway, it hit me how many fun scents I can get for so much less if I get incense rather than perfume or cartridges. Why pay $20 for a bottle of Yves Rocher perfume when for just 55¢, I can have 5 sticks of each scent I choose? And why buy scent cartridges that you get so used to that you can’t even smell them after two days? With lots of different scents, I can change them so often that I won’t get too used to any of them. You get free shipping/handling on orders over $35, so as soon as I get out of debt (I still owe $25), I’m going to make a $35.20 order. I’ll try to stay away from some of the scents I’m unsure of. Some of them really do have some catchy names, though, like Pussy, Puddy Cat, Butt Naked, Sex on the Beach, and Lick Me All Over. Tom says he’s pretty sure that these are alcoholic beverages. They even have one that smells like pot – yuck! I’m psyched that they have brand-name perfumes. I love White Shoulders perfume.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2003 I was right. Another house has arrived in front of next door. It’s sort of in the middle of the property and is identical to the first one. My guess is that there’ll be one more. That one will be closest to Bitter Root. The second house is visible from the living room window and I’m sure it would be plenty visible from our parking area. This house is also tilted at a slight angle, though it is facing us. I realize they were set up this way to give each house’s front side privacy since most people hang out in front of their houses here. Same with the rentals in back. If there were people in front of every one of them, they’d have a hard time seeing each other with the way they’re set up, but if they all were in back, they’d see each other just fine. It is going to be sooo noisy with dogs. If only people out here didn’t feel so obligated to get dogs and throw them outdoors 24/7! It’s not the people I’m worried about, it’s the dogs. And I also wish there was a rule about putting more than one house on these lots, but nope. You’re allowed one house per acre. I wonder if they’ll wait till they’re all set up before people go moving into them or if they’ll move in one at a time. Either way, they’ll let us know it when they’ve arrived. Meanwhile, I’m sure God’s scrambling to pick out the noisiest families he can find just for me with lots of large dogs that run loose half the time, and spend the other half of the time leashed down barking in front.

I still wonder if whoever bought this lot didn’t buy the lot directly in front of us too, which will really, really suck once that gets housed. It’s just too open here for noisy things like dogs. Without any woods or buildings in the way, you can hear sounds from 20 miles away. I’d still prefer that than one source of noise and chaos that’s just a few feet away because the closer they are, the harder they are to block out with fans or music.

Meanwhile, I try to look at the good side of it. This just upped the value of our property even more which is now easily worth a quarter-mil. It also means we’re closer to having mail and trash services out here, too.

I don’t know if they’ll go through, but when I was freebie hunting last night, I came across a site that claims they’ll send scented postcards to whoever you want, so I did one for myself, Paula, Mary, Bob and even Palma. I figured what the hell? I had a 130-character limit so I only said something like: Been two years since I saw you. You may not remember me, but I just wanted to say hi. Doing great. Hope you are, too!

I still get stuck for a few days every few days. I’m sure I’ll go again just as soon as I get back to 130.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2003 After over a year of wanting her, I finally got the Red Hot Barbie from the Diva series. She’s way cool.

Amazingly, I woke up at 126 pounds. Naturally, I’m both famished and stuck because of it. Either way, it’s too soon to say the water pills were what was holding up my metabolism. If I were to slip under 125, then I’d pin the blame on them, and the doctor too, for not warning me about it.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2003 Today’s both Mary’s birthday and what would’ve been my final report day had both the courts and Scot not given me a break.

Today’s also the day I’ve noticed that my hair’s starting to grow back. Already! Why it grows so fast, beats me. It seems that when I hit my 30s, my metabolism not only slowed down, but the growth of my hair sped up as well.

Memolink has a new photo contest thing where you submit pictures you’ve taken yourself. The annual grand prize is $10,000, and the smaller prizes are something like $35 and $25. We decided to submit a picture of Little Buddy peering up into the camera after he jumped into a box of bottles back when I was doing community service for the welfare bums. He thinks it’ll win something, but I don’t. They get thousands and thousands of entries and rats aren’t exactly a favorite of most people. Even so, the picture’s been entered.

I’ve already got 9 pages done on my next story. As usual, the main ideas for it didn’t come till after I began the story. At first all I could think of was a security guard in an apartment complex who likes one of the tenants who likes her back. Well, I’ve decided to expand that into what I’m titling Nocturnal Obsession. I’m going to have the guard be taken and the tenant get obsessed enough with her to kill her lover.

I also had an idea for another story where this girl gets injured in a bus accident and then ends up in the hospital unable to walk for a while. The doctor that tends to her falls for her and the girl falls for her as well. Suffering from bad amnesia, the girl doesn’t remember her name or anything about her life. Once she’s well enough to be discharged, the doctor takes her in. Soon afterward, the girl remembers shooting someone in self-defense but is afraid that she’ll be accused of deliberately murdering the person. At the same time, the doctors turned out to be abusive. She wants to leave her, but the doctor threatens her with blackmail – to turn her in if she does.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2003 Today’s Columbus Day so the post office is closed. That really sucks, too. Why should we not be able to get mail today just because of someone who may or may not have discovered America a million years ago?

eBay emailed me a notice telling me what I already knew – that Samantha didn’t sell, despite the 116 views she got. I thought she’d at least get one half-assed bid, but she didn’t even get that. Like I said, I’ll never bother to try to make money again. I’ve learned my lesson.

The hair people also emailed me and confirmed that they are in Moscow and not to bother sending my hair since the postage would exceed the price of it. I’m sure it would, too.

The good news, though, is that I have two Barbies on their way rather than one. This is the last of the Barbies I wanted until new ones come out that I like. This is the Spring Bouquet Barbie. This one’s coming from Tennessee. I’m $35 in debt, but it was a good deal that I didn’t want to pass up, not knowing if another deal that good would come along.

Tom visited Mom, Miss Perfect and Dave yesterday and basically set the stage to ask for a loan next week or the week after. Meanwhile, she threw him one of her famous, piddly $20 bills. See, I know no man or woman who’s had kids could understand this, but she took him away from me when I needed him most back when I wanted a kid. His being around more wouldn’t have given me the child that was never meant to be, but still, she stole our time together and not just our money. Money can be paid back, but the issue for me is the time in which she can never repay. This is why I like to milk out of her anything we can get, and believe me, enough could never be enough. If she gave us a million dollars, even that could never be enough and more would still be greatly appreciated.

Since I’ve been getting a lot of things lately, I think I’ll save my money till after the New Year. I don’t want to be ordering stuff around the holidays anyway when things are more likely to get screwed up. I’ll wait and combine my birthday and Christmas money with whatever I save, then decide what to get then. I’ll probably get Alexa and that Kokopelli Indian doll.

I had positive money vibes between November 23rd and December 27th that had nothing to do with his family, but I don’t trust them since they are positive vibes.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2003 Not surprisingly, there’s not one bid placed on Samantha. There have been just over 100 viewings, but this was the true test. Meaning, I’m really, really not allowed to make money. But why? I just don’t see why it’s such a big deal to God that I don’t make any money. Tom suggested I try to sell something else, but no way. I know what can happen to me for going against what’s been ordered of me. If God said no to my making money, then the answer’s no, and as unfair and as wrong as that is, I have no choice but to go along with it or I’ll be punished.

I asked myself yesterday since it’s going to be a while before we’re doing better financially, if I wanted to continue saving up for Haiku now or wait till there is more money. I decided that if I found a buy-it-now price on the Red Hot Barbie, the last of the 3 divas I’ve been wanting, for $25, I’d go for it, but I found one for $20! It’s in L.A. and was sent yesterday. Monday’s a holiday, but I probably won’t get it till Saturday anyway, cuz that just seems to be the usual day dolls arrive.

God may be able to keep me from making money, but he can’t keep me from the freebies! I’ve been ordering tons and tons of free samples. In about 4-6 weeks we should be getting slammed with samples. I wish I’d kept a list of everything we’re getting. I entered Tom to win power tools, too. Let’s see, of the samples I can remember, there are things like a Celine Dion perfume sample. I didn’t even know she was doing that. There are tooth-whitening samples, tea, tampons, lotions, shampoos, conditioners and so much more.

We’re going to be bombing later on because spiders are back to showing up every day. I can delay, but not prevent us from having to bomb. We’re gonna go to Home Depot in Casa Grande to get cement to finish the rest of the posts for the outer fence we were ever so fated never to have. Watch, with our shit luck, circumstances will conveniently prevent us from ever having a pool or porches or an interior fence. It’s like something doesn’t want us making ourselves more comfortable here. I always knew that anyway and that something up there was against our moving out here in the first place.

This has been the quietest hunting season ever. They’re not even hunting on weekends. I wonder if they’ve been banned from doing so due to the population build-up out here.

I’m over 1000 points at Memolink, but there’s no way we’re going to be able to activate the casinos. Why should we? It’d mean more money for me.

I finished my book yesterday and it’s definitely my best work yet if I do say so myself. Mary and Bob will have their copies by the end of next week, but the liar won’t. I’m through doing for her and giving to her. All she had to do was say she couldn’t afford the $28 or that she wasn’t interested. That’s all she had to do. I still don’t see why the truth is so hard for so many people. Why does yes mean yes, and why does yes also mean no with most people?

To give a brief story plot summary, Misha Nichols witnesses a convenience store robbery turned to murder and is placed in the Witness Protection Program. Detective Dale Richardson sees her at the Sacramento police station and likes what she sees. She takes her into her Ukiah home and finds the feeling is mutual. Soon, the crooks are caught, she testifies at their trial, and life goes on. They marry and Misha is artificially inseminated but suffers a miscarriage. Then she slips, hits her head and gets a concussion that causes her to have memory lapses and mood swings. Dale asked the department shrink, Gail Kinkade to talk with Misha. Misha gets a bad feeling from the doctor who kidnaps her just as she regains her memory of the fall and the concussion heals and Misha gets well again. Then, Misha is held hostage in Yreka by Gail for 8 months, along with another young lady. Gail is full of strange moods and illusions. Misha one day breaks away just as Dale finds and rescues her. Afterward, she and Misha have a child and live happily ever after.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2003 Still no bids on Samantha. Now all I have to do is hope a couple of the 73 viewers return soon enough to make a bid, but I know they won’t. I don’t think there’s a money block on me at this point, I know there is. This is why it’s important I don’t bother to try to sell anything else. Not just because it’d be a waste of time, but because I’d more than likely be asking God to sic the devil on me by going against him.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2003 Surprisingly, I’m still 127 pounds and I shit both yesterday and today. Still, I know I can’t stay where I’m at forever.

Tom suggested we keep the suppressants and vitamins they sent anyway, so I was like, yeah, yeah, okay. These pills would be ideal for people with normal metabolisms. They really do suppress the appetite. I took a vitamin, but if I start getting sluggish again, I’ll stop. It just seems like an expensive way to suppress one’s appetite, though, and as I said, I can’t hold my weight where it’s at forever.

As for the Russian hair people, I have a feeling I won’t be hearing from them again. I totally enjoy being a Baldilocks, though (especially when you compare this length to what I had before). How easy it is to care for and live with! It doesn’t look as good, but hey, if I were into looks as much as I once was, then I would starve myself day after day.

Samantha’s up to 54 views, but still no bids. I swear I’ll never ever bother ever again to try to make money! It’s so not meant to be.

Got a letter and drafts from Mary today. If all her correction requests were as easy as they were this time around, then she could have me as an editor as well. As I told her, deleting, adding and changing words is no problem. It’s the moving of sections that often frustrates and confuses me.

In better news, for just $1, I got 250 points and a $20 Toys R Us card. I joined a game site through Memolink. If you like it, you do nothing and your credit card is automatically billed monthly, but you can cancel anytime and still keep your points and gift certificate, which is just what I’m going to do. I have 15 days to do it. I’ll probably do it in a week. I just wanted the points and the certificate for a Barbie. I’m up to 818 points and we still don’t know if we’ll be able to get into the casinos.

I saw a movie with Amish people in it. Maybe it’s just my hate-everyone nature, but they make me sick! Not like other races do. They’re not vicious, just stupid and somewhat disturbed. To live in the past as if it were still the 1800s just seems really asinine. Why not take advantage of modern conveniences? It just seems like if you have to play pretend, so to speak, and live in a whole different world and time long past, you’re stuck in a time warp or in denial about reality. It just seems as silly as it’d be to have an infection and not take the antibiotics available that can end your misery and maybe even save your life.

I also dislike the Amish because they’re very Bible-oriented which means they’re prejudiced against gays. From everything I’ve been told, the bible preaches hatred towards gays. It also condemns women and makes them sound like inferior beings who are worthy of nothing more than domination, control and pain. It suggests women were merely put here to marry, bear children, and please man. It seems very few religious people don’t hate gays. Mary’s such a rare case. One couldn’t get any more tolerant and accepting than she is if they tried! I truly believe that a different woman could rape Mary every day for a year and still she wouldn’t have one prejudiced bone in her body.

Same with Tom. When I asked him if he’d be friends with a gay guy he said, “Why not? It’s the person you’re friends with, not their sexual preference.” As anyone knows, straight guys are the biggest bigots when it comes to gays, so that was cool of him. Tom’s definitely never been your typical straight guy. I mean, he is as far as the fact that he stinks when he does something physical and he’s a slob, but how many straight guys can tolerate gay guys and no sex? Not many!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2003 Wow, I’m only 127 pounds. Let me guess – that means I’ll be stuck today. I always get stuck when I’m 127. It’s like it’s my body’s way of resetting me back to 130. I’ll probably be 140 by the new year. I told Tom to send back the pills if they arrive today. There’s no sense in taking vitamins that only make me sluggish, and why take appetite suppressants if I can’t lose weight?

I did get a letter from Bob today describing all the horrible things he’s had to endure since being incarcerated. On his first day in Walpole, the guards lifted his balls to be sure nothing was taped under them, then they slid a gloved finger up his ass. That is, without Vaseline. Then they threw him in a cell loaded with shit and roaches till they moved him to a filthier cell 15 minutes later. Then he lived in a rat and roach-infested cell for 3 days and 3 nights. On the fourth day, two guards roughed him up, giving him a concussion by slamming him into the wall, twisting his arm up behind him, and punching him in the stomach. This was when they shipped him out to Concord where they searched him again in the same manner while receiving nasty comments about his privates from gay women guards. He was there for 3 months, got into a food fight with 200 people, then was shipped to where he is now. He was initially in a dorm with 42 guys where he was jumped on, knocked down, scalded in the shower, and pissed on in his sleep. He got things thrown at him, water poured on him while trying to write letters, and things stolen from him. Of course, the welfare bums had to beat him up.

They did follow through with sending the coupon for $7 off on tooth whitening strips, but I’m pissed at Paula for lying yet again and saying she was going to send the money for Yves. See, it’s this kind of behavior that makes me want to isolate myself even more. Why can’t people just do the things they say they’re going to do?! Why couldn’t she just come out and say she couldn’t afford it or wasn’t interested? Why is that such a big deal for her? No one can put their fucking actions where their mouths are!

As for Mary making bullshit promises about not sending back drafts to shuffle, the way I’m going to deal with that is to stop sending her copies. That way she won’t have the drafts to keep sending back.

I don’t know if Samantha will sell, though she’s had 32 views, but I might have sold my hair after all! Even if I get shit for it, it’s better than nothing. I got an email back from one of the few people I emailed asking if they bought human hair. They said that the price depends on the length and if it’s colored or gray, but to go ahead and send them the length of the hair. The only problem is I don’t have an address, so I’m waiting on that from them. It may take another 24 hours before I hear back from them.

Later…

My first thought was that if Samantha got no bids, I’d put one plate and one fashion doll up for auction, but no I won’t. Because if I’m right, and I’m sure I am, about a rule being placed on me about making money, then I’d only be asking to get punished if I try and defy it. Nonetheless, Samantha’s up to 36 views.

Tom said that what they meant when they said: “send us the length of your hair” was to tell them how much I cut off, not send the hair. I told them how much was cut off, but these people are in Russia and I agree with Tom that there’s no way they’re going to buy someone’s hair from the US. Why they even bothered to ask for the length, beats me. I told them up front where I am.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2003 I can see where Tom doesn’t think Samantha will sell. I went and looked and at least half or more of the porcelain dolls don’t have bids on them. Even those that are about to end. I’m still afraid that I won’t be able to sell her either way, but we’ll see. At least she’s getting a lot of viewings. We’re up to 15 in just 6 hours.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2003 Samantha is officially up for auction now. In just a few hours, she’s had 7 viewings. The auction closes in 7 days, next Sunday the 12th at about 7 PM. It cost $3.35 to list her. The only extra feature I paid for, but that only cost 10¢, was to add a second picture. I wanted to have a picture of her from head to toe, then a close-up of her face. I’m going to do the same with Amelia, but not with the fashion dolls. I’ll have two pictures for each collector’s plate too, showing the certificate on back of them.

Anyway, I set a reserve of $90 on Samantha and a starting bid of $50. The shipping is $15 and the optional insurance is $2. Tom doesn’t think she’ll sell because of all the porcelain dolls he’s seen with no bids on them. Time will tell. I still do have a no-making-money-allowed curse on me, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll be allowed to have a little control over that for once. I won’t get my hopes up, though. As it was, I was right about us not being able to find someone to buy my hair.

Speaking of that, it’s now to my shoulders! Yes, I could get used to this for a while. So much so that I haven’t decided whether or not to keep it this way for a while or to just let it go back to the middle of my ass which will only take a little less than 4 years. Since I’m not taking vitamins I’m hoping it won’t grow so fast. If I had the thin straight hair I always wished I had, then I’d probably leave it long.

Wow! In just the time it took for me to write what I’ve written so far, Samantha got two new views! I just hope someone bids rather than just looks and that I get compensated for my not being able to generate money in so long that they bid even higher than the reserve! If there are bids, though they don’t meet the reserve, I’ll probably run her for another week. If no one bids at all, then I’ll just assume the rule still applies to me not being allowed to make money and I’ll just keep her. I don’t expect people to start bidding, though, till Friday or Saturday.

What a great way to make money this would be if I only had merchandise to sell that was as popular as Barbie. I’d never have to leave the house but to pick up the merchandise for sale and send it to the buyer from the PO.

The girl who sold me this Barbie did give me positive feedback, so now I have 3.

If Samantha sells, I’m going to go ahead and get haiku, then, if all else sells as well, I’m going to get this fantastic new Indian doll Ashton-drake just got in. That will mean getting Alexa with my holiday money instead of Becky. Anyway, this doll is like a ballerina Indian doll. It’s so cool. She stands on the ball of one foot while the other leg is raised to the side and bent at the knee with her toe pointed like a ballerina. Her arms are stretched up and outwards. She’s supposed to be doing an old Indian dance to music played by a flute. She’s called Legend of the Kokopelli Doll. With shipping, she’s $143.

Getting back to my hair, I placed it in a Ziploc bag and dated it. I figured it’d be cool to save it since I can’t sell it. What a tremendous weight off my head! We made two sections and put elastics an inch below where Tom made the initial cut. After they were cut off and I held the two sections in my hand, I was like – wow! These are heavy! I may lose a pound just from cutting this 16” of hair. Washing it is so much easier and quicker and it’s heaven not having to spend 20 minutes brushing through knots. It’ll be much easier to do a French braid and high-pitched ponytails. I won’t have to sleep with it braided for a while. Before, the only way I could sleep with it was to braid it and throw the braid up over the pillow. I haven’t had it this short since I lived on Oswego St. in Springfield. I’d never go above the shoulders. Hair above the shoulders, in my opinion, detracts from a woman’s femininity.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2003 It’s been exactly 6 years since I quit smoking!

If we can ever get signed up at one of the casinos through Memolink without all the damn technical problems, I’ll be awarded 8000-9000 points. I already have 729. All I need is 8300 for a $50 Walmart certificate which is what I’ll get and have Tom turn into cash for me. That’s what I’m going to use, along with the money I’m now saving, for Haiku. It could take some serious time, though. It can take 6-12 weeks for me to receive the certificate, then 6-8 for Haiku to be made, so it might be as long as 5 months. I might receive Haiku and Becky around the same time cuz as soon as Tom picks up our holiday money, I plan to order Becky. Alexa will hopefully come via eBay sale money as I said earlier.

I know we paid a fortune for it, but I’m gonna give the Bowflex a break for a while. I figure why build muscle if you can’t lose the fat? All I’m gonna do is crunch every other day. If I don’t I’ll get a bad back. On non-crunch days I’ll jog/walk for 15 minutes. I really meant it when I said I was tired of trying to lose/maintain weight! I’m done with it. Totally done with it. I think I’ll end up as enormous as Tammy did. I’ll be able to wear the same shirts for a while, and socks, of course, but I’ll need new pants, shorts, bras and underwear. I’ll get clothes as I need them at Walmart since they’re usually cheap there and that’s where we’re doing our grocery shopping.

I gave it some thought and decided that I’m also sick of the really long hair. Just the weight, the work, the hassle and it always getting in the way. Besides, if they’re seriously going to send the dye, it’ll make it a lot easier if we cut it to the shoulders or maybe an inch below. I’m still going to dye it even if they don’t send it. I’ll put a hold on the trimmer for now, too.

Later…

We’re not sure at this point whether or not we’re going to even be able to get into any of the casinos through Memolink. The problem is that there are so many blocks on those residing in Arizona, because everything’s illegal here, including gambling from your own PC. We should know for sure in a few days. Tom’s researching other ways to get in.

My Swan Lake Barbie came today. It wasn’t quite what I had pictured. See, there are a few different versions of Barbie as Swan Queen from the Swan Lake ballet. I wanted the one with fully pointed toes versus partially pointed ones, but she’s still nice enough to keep. I considered turning around and selling her but decided not to. She wears white lace-up ballet slippers, shimmering tights, and a white tutu/bodice with light blue and white beading at the chest. The shoulders and head have clumps of feathers. She has rooted eyelashes and her dark brown hair is back in a sort of French twist with strings of pearls woven through it. She has a little silver crown, too.

I researched Melatonin and Benadryl to see if they said anything about it affecting the metabolism, but the results of my research were rather inconclusive. It’s like I always have questions and theories, but never any answers. Just what did impair my metabolism and is it forever damaged? What exactly killed my desire for sex with Tom? Was it just time and age?

I’m probably going to return the appetite suppressants and vitamins whenever they get here because there’s no point in suppressing my appetite if I can’t lose weight anyway. Also, over the last few days I’ve been out of vitamins and having nothing but my calcium supplement and have noticed I’ve had more energy. Maybe vitamins really do make you more sluggish. They do with Tom.

After Tom tinkered with the truck, we played ring toss for a while. The weather was nice today. Not so hot. Naturally, that meant the renters were out and about. They gagged me out on smoke as they were burning trash, but at least they’re burning it and not letting it blow over to us!

Tom brought up a good suggestion which I myself thought of, and that’s to see if I can sell my hair. Tomorrow he’s going to do online research and see if that will be a possibility, but he says he doubts it because people usually buy hair from people in other countries who are desperate for money that they’ll take anything they can get no matter how shitty it is, unlike Americans who expect more money. Just God’s Jodi’s-not-allowed-to-make-money rule that he’s had on me for the last decade is enough to tell me I’ll never sell it.

I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sell these dolls and plates. We set up a PayPal account in my name and the plan is to set a reserve price of $90 on Samantha and a starting bid of $50. I wanted to have only a buy-it-now option of $99, but you have to have at least 10 positive feedback messages and I only have two. After leaving positive feedback for the girl that sold me the Swan Lake Barbie, I urged her to do the same for me but I don’t know for sure that she will.

Anyway, with all the millions of eBay users, I’d think that somebody somewhere would see Samantha and realize that $90 is a good price for a dressed doll with her certificate. They won’t know I set the price at $90, though, because buyers are never told what the reserve is that’s been set. Still, I’d think someone somewhere would want her and the other things I want to sell.

Mary’s continuing to drive me crazy with the changes and shuffling. Why doesn’t she listen to me when I tell her over and over and over again I’m her typist only, not her editor? Why won’t she just wait till she’s out of there? She can’t have any money till she’s out anyway. Sometimes I wonder if she really reads my letters or if some of them don’t make it to her. She can’t seem to handle the simplest of requests like editing, her using little to no punctuation, etc. I have to fight tooth and nail to get answers from her to questions I ask like what letter number she’s up to. It’s like we have more of a business relationship than a friendship. Especially since she sends way more drafts than letters and ignores my questions like how her life is, what her cellies are like, the officers, the food, etc.

Finally, I realized that while I still want to be her friend, maybe I’m just not cut out to work for her. Maybe she needs to find a typist who will also act as editor because I just don’t always understand the changes she asks me to make.

Although I begged her not to, I’m sure the latest copy of her book will find its way back to me with shuffling requests, and like I told her, while she may’ve given me a generous supply of stamps, I don’t have an endless supply of paper and ink.

Meanwhile, I told her to think about how important having an editor and not waiting is to her and to let me know what she decides.

As I told her, I also question Scot’s credibility. It just doesn’t seem right for a lawyer to be promising to help her find a publisher when he should know that that’s illegal because she’s in jail. I’m afraid that like most people like to do, he’s just getting her hopes up for no reason and making false promises.

I’m afraid Mary’s just too hopeful and too naïve. Tom said he thinks quitting on Mary is a bad idea because he thinks I can get a good chunk of money if she does sell her story, but I know better than to get my hopes up, and I still say I’m never going to be allowed to make money. Do you know how many times I’ve been so sure that I was going to succeed with this or succeed with that? Or believed that one thing would lead to another thing and so on and so forth? Too many times! Life really is full of many disappointments if you even think for a second that life is what you plan it because it’s not. We’re all leaves blowing in the wind, destined to end up wherever we’re fated to go, not where we say we’re going. Those who say we’re in the driver’s seat of our destinies are dreaming. Some have more control than others, but for the most part, I really believe we’re like puppets in a play and that God’s written all our scripts out before humans even existed. We’re each assigned our own individual roles from there on out till the day we die.

As anyone who knows me already knows, one of God’s “themes” for me is to be an underdog stuck in bad places. Well, I keep having these disturbing dreams. In last night’s nightmare, I was thrown in jail for murdering someone I never heard of. I woke up fearing that this was a sign saying I’d one day be framed for murder and I hope not! I sure hope not. I hope it’s nothing more than paranoia that spawns these dreams. I would never and could never kill anyone for the hell of it that wasn’t trying to kill me, and last I knew, self-defense was legal even in Arizona. I could and would kick the shit out of someone who wasn’t trying to harm me, but kill? No way. I could beat up someone who either threatened me or Tom, destroyed our property or whatever. Like with most people, there are numerous things that could cause me to attack someone like if someone were suddenly here and trying to hurt the rats, smash the dolls, whatever. Everybody’s different. The quickest way to get me after you would be to threaten me, but anyway, I just hope these dreams are just dreams because when I think about it, being framed for murder and stuck in jail is totally something God would see fit to happen to me.

I guess Tom’s going to be stuck where he’s at for a while and we’re just going to have to make do with what he’s making there and hope we don’t encounter any financial crises. He just doesn’t have time to do daytime interviews when he’s working days. Somehow, I also get the feeling he’s not meant to have a good-paying job for a while anyway. It’s like we’re being compensated for doing well like we were for a while. Same with the scratch tickets. We’ve been losing horribly as compensation for that $100 winner he had. I’m not even going to bother getting tickets for a month or so.

Anyway, the people at work are back to making their bullshit promises, promising him his own computer and shit like that. As I told him, low-paying jobs are always going to promise this and promise that. That’s how they hang onto their employees.

I suggested that since I’m not going to bother with the water pills, I have a lifetime supply of snot spray, I can get inhalers over the counter, and he ought to jump back on unemployment if he can and aggressively hunt for a new job. While he’s at it, we’ll just hope to hell neither of us gets any serious illness or injuries.

The good thing about it is that they no longer ask why you left your old job, so that’s good. Back east when I was in my late teens/early twenties, you had to list your last few jobs and why you left.

We talked about how we hope to one day have the money to buy a small Bobcat tractor. We could rent one for a weekend for $200, but since we’d need it for longer than that, we’d be better off buying an old used junky one for $600. We could dig a pool with it, build hills out of dirt and who knows what else?

Using the best software he can find, we’re going to do a landscaping layout of what we want to plant where.

I just hope we can carry out these plans, but like I said, life often isn’t what you plan it.

Again I got woken up by God knows what for a few minutes, and it was exactly 4 hours after I first fell asleep.

I think it’s sad, but safe to say that whoever got my letter in Mexico was not Rosa. Guess I’m not as good of a stalker as I thought I was! I’m not sure what, if anything, I’m going to do from here.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2003 It got really windy today and the flag woke me up momentarily a few hours before I actually got up. Yeah, I knew I was due for a wake-up call anytime. I think I might remove the flagpole and quit the flags. I only have two left anyway and they’re kind of boring. I’ll just keep the little ones going that are outside my office window.

I lost one of the two remaining Barbies I wanted on eBay. Perhaps I’ll take a break from Barbie for a while and save up for Haiku, a doll I’ve been wanting for quite a while. Then, if all goes well, I’ll get Alexa with my eBay sales and either Becky or Bailey with my birthday and Christmas money.

I got my coffee samples today, which were good, but the liars never included the digital camera. They included the grinder, but the camera’s only if you order again. I told Tom I’d let him decide that. If he wants the camera that bad, I’ll order more.

I read in one of Trimlife’s emails that although water pills may temporarily rid you of excess water, they can also impair your metabolism. If it weren’t for so many doctors not informing me up front of the various side effects I’ve had, I wouldn’t be so quick to believe it, but because of my experiences, I totally believe it. Therefore, I’m not getting a refill on the stuff, even though I could now since we’re now insured again. No one told me that the inhalers caused congestion, no one told me about the TD till I got it, and no one told me the Aerobid inhalers can drive you crazy. Doctors never tell you what you should know about the medications they prescribe.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2003 The smaller angelfish died today, so now we’re down to the big angelfish, the algae-eater and one guppy. A clever idea hit me. Since I hardly use the big garden tub, I decided to fill it, stick the aerator in it, and make it their home. What better and easier way to change their water than to just pop open the drain?

It appears that the house is now in place for good, judging by the sound of the hammering I heard over there. Plus, the plastic sheet that covers the open half of the house is now off and the two halves are nearly joined. The good news is that it’s barely visible both inside and outside the house, but the bad is that it is still facing us, though not squarely. It’s sort of facing between us and next door. Hopefully, the fact that their house faces west will deter them from hanging out front and anchoring their dogs in front as well, but we’ll see.

Later…

Tom and I went to Casa Grande earlier for dinner. We went through KFC’s drive-thru for me, then went through Whataburger for him. It was the first time I really rode in the truck and how wonderful it was to have the AC! It was loud, though, and the turn signals were a little screwy. Also, the cluster of dashboard instruments was sort of dim.

This weekend will be our second attempt to get me signed up at that Desert Dollar casino. It just didn’t go through the first time around.

There’s also going to be a delay in getting started with selling stuff, too. Without thinking about it, Tom went and got a PayPal account in his name which doesn’t allow people to pay via credit card, so he’s going to get one set up in my name that will have that option. If it’s in my name, I can get credit through Memolink.

Last night I stumbled upon an excellent deal on eBay on one of the two last Barbies I want to get before the 2004 line comes out. Someone placed a bid earlier which I went and topped. If I win it’ll cost $25 and will come from Phoenix. Tomorrow or the next day I should get the one I won last weekend.

One of the survey sites is starting to really pick up in surveys, and therefore in points as well. Instead of being given a million in one chance to win a million dollars or something like that or having various prizes to choose from when you accumulate so many points, it’s a penny a point with them, so 1000 points is $10.

One of them mentioned sending hair dye to use as part of a survey, so he got me two boxes of dye of either brown or auburn. Whatever it was is going to fry my hair so I kind of hope they don’t send it despite all the gray I’ve been accumulating. I don’t think they will, though. Do you know how many people said they were gonna send this or they were gonna send that that never did? A lot! I was supposed to get pain relievers, magazines, tooth whitening strips, etc., yet they’re all full of shit. Why people feel so compelled to say they’re going to do things they don’t intend to do is beyond me.

Tom said he’s thinking of asking Mom for some money at the end of the month with the hopes of her giving more than he asks for.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2003 How sad it is to know you have to burn 3500 calories to lose a pound, but it only takes 1400 of food to gain one. Nobody should gain weight from 1400 in a day. Nobody. There’s got to be some other reason I gain weight so easily besides age. Is God just that determined to see I don’t get my way or what?

Of course, I’ve been stuck for days, too.

Once again, I’m so close to saying fuck it! But saying that and eating what’s considered to be a reasonable amount of food, versus trying to have 1400 or less, means gaining tons and tons of weight. I don’t want to spend my extra money on clothes as I continually go up in size.

I also don’t want to feel like I’m starving half the time just to stay 30 pounds overweight either.

If it’s any consolation to myself it’s that I don’t have to deal with this problem if I choose not to. I was forced, for example, by the freeloaders but no one can force me to deal with this not being able to lose weight shit if I don’t want to. Nonetheless, I agreed to go along with Tom’s suggestion. He’s going to measure the ratios of the different food groups for us for a few weeks and see what we’re taking in. Then, it’s off to the doctor. I’m going to tell them, look, I’ve been working out, drinking lots of water, eating sensibly, so what’s going on here? Tom says there are several possibilities. He said I could have diabetes which my mother and grandfather had. As funny as it may sound, I hope they do find something wrong because then I’ll at least understand what’s going on and have a shot at doing something to make losing weight possible once again. But if they come up empty, then I’ll know something up there’s doing this to me just to do it and not letting me lose weight just to have control over me and piss me off.

Something’s gotta be wrong. I understand that losing weight gets harder with age, but impossible? Totally impossible? I can’t even get down to 125 anymore! After a week of nearly starving myself to death, I can lose a few pounds, but as soon as I have a measly 1400 calories like I did yesterday I go back up.

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itsxcowboyrocksteady · 3 years ago

Text

Good Morning, Mr. Fairfield

Good Morning, Mr. Fairfield: A Dead by Daylight One Shot

Pairing: Dwight Fairfield x (GN) Reader

Contents: Loads and loads of Fluff, followed by total Smut, NSFW

Content Warnings + Specifics: Long Story/Post (4,831 words); Mentions of anxiety; Dwight's really sad in some of this; Mentions of loneliness; Dwight being self conscious about his body/appearance; Mutual pining; A couple of flashbacks; Dwight's never even been kissed before; Virgin Dwight; Dwight's first kiss; Dwight's first blowjob/hummer

Summary: You and Dwight are friends from work, but you've gotten close with him and even hang out with him on weekends. Sometimes even sleeping over at each other's places. After getting approval for a Friday off to spend a long weekend with you at the end of your staycation, the boss calls him in, anyway. In his disappointment, he makes a mistake that turns a really bad morning into being the happiest he's ever been in his life.

A/N: I decided to just post it all at once instead of doing it in parts xD. I couldn't really decide where to cut it and it didn't make sense to me to do that the more I looked it over. Anyways, I'm so in love with this man. Can you imagine Dwight having major feelings for you, and telling him you love him, and how happy that would make him??? And I've been obsessed with the idea of him getting a bj for the first time and how fucking precious he'd be and the sounds he'd make and... Anyway, I wrote it lol. Really tho, someone rescue me, I wanna hold him so bad >.<

You and Dwight are snuggled up together, asleep on his bed, having drifted off to the movie you had been watching the night before. This happens a lot. At first, Dwight had been nervous about it, but now? He loves that the first thing he sees is you in the morning when you stay over. Or how you both wake up sometimes to find that you’d wrapped your arms around him in your sleep. You were embarrassed the first time, but he told you it was fine. Actually, it was kind of nice. And when you agreed, it made him happy… Even if you are just friends... *

He’s not really sure when he began to fall for you, but he thinks it was around the first time you had come to visit him. He had always thought you were pretty cool, but when you had been the only person that showed up to his birthday get-together, that meant a lot to him. Especially since you were the one he was most hoping would show up. He really liked your conversations and you were the person he interacted with most in a friendly way, not just as coworkers.

He had been on the verge of tears as he received text after text from coworkers --the only people he really knew-- all cancelling the night of the get-together. Some never sent a message at all. He didn’t want to make it a party, you see, because if he made a big deal about it and nobody showed up, he’d be sad. But he hadn’t thought that the size of the party, or what he called it, didn’t matter.

He was alone. Again. Just like always. And the feeling of loneliness was so great that he almost didn’t look at his phone when it buzzed again.

Through his tears, as he started to sniffle, he looked at the screen to see a text from you, the last person on the list that hadn’t contacted him yet, after he had come to grips with the fact that the others weren’t going to. As he was preparing himself for his last bit of hope to be crushed, he opened the text.

8:04 PM: Hey Dwight! Im running late but I should be there in 10. Im sorry I didnt text u sooner 🙁 I tried but my service was iffy. I hope my gift makes up for it lol!

He wiped his eyes and read the message a few more times. You were on the way? You even got him a gift? He choked back a sob as his heart leapt that he wasn’t going to be alone on his birthday, after all!

He rushed to the bathroom to wash his face so he wouldn’t look like a mess when you got there, and nearly tripped on his way to answer the buzzer to let you up to his apartment a few minutes later. When he opened the door to greet you, you stood there with a giant teddy bear. It had glasses on and large, expressive eyes.

“I-I hope you like it,” you had said sheepishly, before even greeting him. “I don’t know, I saw it and it reminded me of you, so I thought you should have him… But I have another gift and a card in my bookbag.” You motioned with your head to the bag on your back, hanging on one shoulder.

He smiled brightly at you and said, “No- I mean, yeah! I like it a lot. I can see the resemblance.”

Then the two of you spent the night laughing, talking, eating pizza and popcorn, and watching the movie you had brought as your second gift. Office Space. You had said to him once that he should see it and that he’d love it. He didn’t say anything, but he was flustered that you had remembered such a small conversation with him from months ago.

He couldn’t believe how annoyed you got that nobody else showed up, and that they all cancelled last minute on him like that, and how you shook your head as you scrolled through all the messages he had received when he handed you his phone. It made him feel like you actually cared and weren’t just showing up to be nice.

After that night, the two of you started to hang out more. You grabbed lunch together at work sometimes. After a while, you’d even stay over his place some weekends, or he at yours. When he started to realize he had feelings for you, though, he felt a crushing sense of despair, like it was a foregone conclusion that you didn’t feel the same. He’d been there a few times before, and he wasn’t going to ruin this friendship he cherished so much by making you feel awkward around him. So he kept his feelings to himself.

Sometimes he thinks about it and realizes he probably had feelings for you before then, but all those fears subconsciously prevented him from figuring that out until he couldn’t deny it anymore... *

Dwight begins to stir as he hears his phone chime. At first he’s confused because he hadn’t set an alarm the night before. As he feels around his nightstand for his glasses and wakes up a little more, he realizes that it’s not his alarm. It's a text. Multiple texts. From your boss. On his Friday off that he had gotten approved so he could have a long weekend with you at the end of your vacation time.

5:48 AM: We need you to come in today Dwight.

5:50 AM: Your department is way behind on the paperwork we need to file by Monday.

5:55 AM: Be here by usual time.

He holds his phone up, the light reflecting off of his glasses. He doesn’t move for a moment. All that goes through his mind is his deep disappointment. He had been looking forward to hanging out with you today, especially after a particularly difficult work week. In fact, this long weekend was the thing that helped him get through all the bullshit this week had given him.

He slowly gets out of bed, trying not to disturb you. He wonders what to do. You’re in a different department that didn’t have anything to do with this specific project, so you wouldn’t be called in, too. Besides, you never told anyone but him that you were having a staycation. Which means that he’d be leaving you alone at his place all day. He resigns himself to the idea of writing you a note explaining where he is and telling you that it’s OK if you want to head home and try to hang out again the next available weekend.

I’ll do that after I shower, he thinks sadly, not wanting to start looking around for pen and paper in the dark and wake you. At least he has an en suite, though it had always seemed laughable to Dwight to call it that since his apartment was far from nice and that seemed like a “rich” word to him. Still, he was able to slip in without making much noise.

His thoughts race from one depressing thing to another as he makes his way to the shower. He quietly closes and locks the door behind him before undressing to prevent you from accidentally walking in on him. Even the thought of that makes him turn beet red. But he’s broken out of that thought the moment he turns the shower on and gets hit with a blast of cold water. He covers his mouth to keep from yelping.

It’s only after he steps out of the shower and wraps his towel around him that he realizes he forgot to grab a set of clothes to change into while being lost in thought. His heart pounds and his anxiety spikes. He considers putting his sleep clothes back on for a second, but decides that he can’t because they’ve been on the floor this whole time and that would make taking a shower a moot point. He shakily unlocks the door and turns the knob as slow as he can, silently pleading with you to stay asleep.

He hasn’t so much as been shirtless around anyone since high school, in the locker room with the other boys trying out for the football team. Even then, he felt uncomfortable. Dwight has always lacked confidence in most everything. But his appearance, his body, was always one of the things he was most self-conscious about. He had always been the scrawny kid with the big nose and the bigger glasses. It was partly why he had learned to become invisible in the first place. It was also a big reason why he was so timid about pursuing any romantic feelings he had had for anyone in the past, but for you especially.

The idea of you seeing him basically naked except for his towel makes it difficult for him to breathe. He takes a few seconds to try to calm down as he stands in front of his dresser, fearing his trembling hands will rattle the drawer enough to wake you. He begins to slowly open the drawer.

“Hey, Dwight, what are you doing up so early?” he hears you say sleepily and yawning from the bed behind him.

He freezes in place a moment. He knows he’s going to have to turn around to face you and answer you. He feels his face and his ears get hot and knows that he’s turning red. He closes his eyes tight to brace himself, and then turns around.

“The, uh… The boss sent me a message. He needs me to go in today,” he replies, looking anywhere but at you and praying that you didn’t detect the quivering in his voice.

You sit up, confused. “But they approved your day off three weeks ago?”

He still can’t look at you, but he’s in disbelief that you’re carrying on a normal conversation.

“Um, yeah, but the, uh… My department didn’t finish what we have to do by, by Monday, so…”

By now, you’ve woken up enough to recognize that Dwight sounds more nervous than usual. The room is too dark for your sleepy eyes, so you turn on the light on the nightstand next to you. When you look back at him, you understand.

You see him standing in front of his dresser, holding onto the towel wrapped around his waist like he’ll die if he lets go. His other hand nervously rubs the opposite arm like he’s trying to shield himself. His face is practically scarlet with embarrassment. His eyes are transfixed to a spot on the floor.

All you want to do in this moment is hold him. Be close to him. Press yourself against him. Kiss him, and tell him it’s OK... *

Unlike Dwight and his feelings for you, you knew the exact moment you began to fall for him.

You had always liked him well enough. He was one of the only people at the office that you enjoyed talking to. You had thought to invite him to tag along with you and your friends to some activity or another a couple of times, but he seemed shy and you weren’t sure if crowds were really his thing.

As you spoke to each other more frequently at work, you began to notice that you’d light up every time you saw him. You even found yourself taking the long way to your desk once or twice just to pass his station and say good morning to him. It took you some time to admit to yourself that you had developed a crush on him, but once you did, you weren’t sure how to proceed. Or if you should proceed with anything more than how things had been between you.

When he invited you to his place for his birthday, you were thrilled. You told him you wouldn’t miss it. And you were glad to see that he was putting himself out there like that. You went to shop for a gift and you saw this really cute giant teddy bear that reminded you of him. You hugged it to see how soft it was, and thought, I wonder if Dwight’s hugs are this nice?

That thought lingered with you as you gift wrapped the movie before heading over to his place. You wondered if he was the kind of person who gave hello or good-bye hugs, imagining his arms around you. You were hoping so.

Then, when you got to his place, you didn’t say anything, but you noticed his eyes were a bit puffy. When you found out that nobody else showed up, or would show up, you realized that he might have been crying before you got there. Your heart broke. You were so angry at everyone for doing that to this sweet man at the last minute.

Sitting together and watching the movie, you couldn’t help but look over at him as he laughed. Seeing him so happy made you happy. It was then, noticing every detail of his face, from his endearing smile to how his nose would scrunch up when he laughed, that you had first felt the strong urge to hold him. To kiss him.

This wasn’t just a crush anymore. You were in love.

When you started sleeping over his place, and woke up with your arms wrapped around him that first time, your heart pounded in embarrassment. You were so apologetic. But when he told you that it was nice, and not to worry about it, sometimes you would do it on purpose if you woke up during the night. Every time, on purpose or not, he’d wake up and smile at you before reaching for his glasses. And you’d try so hard to hide that his contented smile made you melt.

You had it bad for Dwight. But you worked together. And everyone knew you both were friends. If you said anything and he didn’t feel the same, then everyone would know that something was wrong, and you weren’t sure you could handle the whispers on top of a broken heart... *

Before you know it, you’re out of bed and walking towards him. He looks up at you with wide eyes as you approach.

“W-what are you doing?” he asks, backing up against the dresser as though he thought it would put distance between you both.

You stop just in front of him and look into his eyes. You have no idea what’s come over you, but this feels right.

“Dwight, is it OK if I kiss you?”

He’s sure he didn’t hear you right. “What?”

You smile softly at him. “I asked if it was OK if I kiss you?”

He says nothing, he only nods his head. His skin bumps as you place your hands on either side of his face and press your lips to his. He moans softly as your kiss deepens and you run one of your hands through his still-wet hair.

You pull away from the kiss and whisper, “Did you like that? Was that OK?”

“Yeah,” he says, also in a whisper. “Was I OK?”

Since you’d been friends for a while now, you knew that he had never been with anyone before, and not even been kissed. He was bound to be worried about any new experiences.

“That was perfect. You’re perfect, Dwight.”

“I am?” he asks in disbelief of what is happening right now, of the love he sees in your eyes as you look at him.

You nod. “Yeah… I mean, look at you!”

His gaze falls to the floor again, self-conscious. However, they dart right back up to meet yours when he hears your next question.

“May I touch you?”

His heart pounds so much that he thinks you might be able to hear it. He’s never been more nervous in his life, but he so desperately wants you to.

“Um, y-yeah, but… How?” he asks, his voice shaky again.

You softly kiss his lips again and whisper, “I’m just going to move my hands to your chest, and we'll go from there. OK? If you want me to stop at any point, tell me to stop. As bad as I want you, I’m more concerned with how you feel, OK?”

For the first time since you woke up, he smiles at you. It’s a small, unsure smile, like he’s afraid this is some kind of joke, but he so badly wants to be happy about all of this.

“You want me?” he asks, a little breathless.

You nod. “Dwight, do you really not know how much I love you?”

His body relaxes just a bit. His shoulders aren’t as tense. He moves the hand that had been on his arm to your cheek and kisses you. It’s the most affectionate kiss you’ve ever had. This man is so sincere that it makes you feel like your heart will burst.

When he finally pulls away from you, you see that he has tears in his eyes, but he’s smiling brighter.

“I love you, too. I always wanted to tell you, but I was so scared you wouldn’t want to be around me anymore…” he says in a rambling sort of way.

“Baby, I’m not going anywhere,” you say as you slowly begin to move your hands from the back of his neck, to his shoulders, then to his chest. You rest them there with your palms flat, feeling how fast his heart is beating.

“This OK so far?” you ask, checking in.

“Yeah,” he says.

You continue moving your hands over his body, your light touch giving him goosebumps and making him shiver as they rest at his sides. This time, you seek a silent confirmation, only looking at him and nodding. When he nods back that he’s OK, your hands move to his back, and after he stops pressing himself against the dresser to allow you some room, you slide your hands over the towel and onto his ass.

“Oh,” he says softly, and you can see him beginning to turn pink again as he chuckles, a little embarrassed.

You lean in and kiss him again as you give his ass a gentle squeeze. With your lips still planted on his, you can’t help but smile as he giggles into your kiss.

He’s so adorable! How did I get this lucky? you think to yourself as you pull away from the kiss and look at him for a moment, keeping your hands in place. You look him up and down, wanting him so badly that you can feel your body practically ache. You wish he could just stay with you, wrapped up in each other all day. You’ve never been angrier at your boss than in this moment.

You place a soft kiss on his jaw as you move just one of your hands and hook your finger into the towel, bringing it to the front, where he’s been clutching it.

Reflexively, he gasps and holds a little tighter onto the towel. He berates himself in his head immediately for being so skittish. He wants you, too. Just as badly. He’s just scared. He’s scared that you’ll laugh at him. He’s scared that he won’t be enough for you. He’s scared that you’ll be disappointed in him, if not once you see all of him, then when you finally get him into bed. Having never been with anyone before, and already being so self-conscious otherwise, he has a moment of panic that maybe this is a mistake? Maybe you deserve better?

You see every bit of his anxiety in his expression. You feel bad, thinking you maybe tried too much too soon. Removing your hands from him entirely and backing away a few steps to give him some space, you say, “I’m sorry. It’s fine if that was too much, we don’t have to do anything else. We can go at your pace.”

He sighs. “No, I… That was OK. I’m just really nervous. I just don’t want to let you down.”

“Dwight, you could never. You hear me? Even just thinking about the sounds you might make is turning me on right now. No matter what, I promise you, I’m still going to want you. I’m still going to love you and want to be with you.”

Again, his body relaxes a bit. Slowly, he moves his hand away from the towel and places both of his palms on the edge of the dresser behind him, fingers forward. The towel is still folded into itself, keeping it in place. He looks up at you, still nervous, but with almost pleading eyes.

“May I?” you ask, making sure this was the invitation you thought it was.

He nods, closing his eyes for a second before looking back at you. He watches your every move as you slowly close the space between you again. He trembles slightly from his nerves as your hands move to undo the towel and it drops to the floor. He knows he’s bright red again in the face as he watches you intently for any sign of dissatisfaction, or worse, amusement as you look at him completely. Instead, he sees that same loving look in your eyes from before.

You were right. He's perfect in your eyes. It makes you sad that he had been so scared.

“Um, is-is everything alright? Am-am I alright?” Dwight finally said after more time had passed in silence than he was comfortable with.

You snap out of your thoughts and look him in the eye. “Oh! Yes, I’m sorry… You’re just…”

Had he misread a look of pity as being loving? He braces himself.

“You’re just so beautiful, Dwight. More beautiful than I ever imagined.”

He smiles again and catches his breath. Though he inhales sharply once you place your hands on his hips and lock eyes with him, a playful smile on your face.

“May I continue?” you ask.

“Y-yeah,” he says, wide-eyed and heart pounding.

Slowly, unbearably so, you trail your fingertips down his leg, keeping your other hand in place on his hip. You feel like you might just die from the look he’s giving you. You can still see the anxiety behind his eyes, but there’s a neediness there, too. You notice that he’s getting hard from the anticipation alone, and the silent pleading you see in his expression is enough to make you practically ache for him. So much that you can’t help the moan that escapes you as you finally cup his balls and stroke them lightly with your thumb, causing him to gasp and moan, himself.

His eyes shut tight and his grip on the dresser behind him gets stronger. You smile as he makes little “hm” and “ah” and “oh” sounds as you tease him.

“Is this good?” you ask, still grinning and knowing damn well that he’s melting at your touch.

“Uh--mmmf--uh-huh… Ah,” is all you hear from him.

He gasps again when you kiss his jawline and begin to trail kisses down his neck. To his shoulder, then his chest, pausing only a moment to flick both of his nipples with your tongue and making you very excited to learn how sensitive they are when he moans a little louder and arches his back a bit. You practically giggle before continuing down his abdomen, to his belly, until you’re on your knees in front of him. You finally take your other hand off of his hip to grab the towel on the floor and fold it as best you can with one hand, shifting to put it under your knees for support.

“Um -- Oh-mmm -- w-what are you -- hm -- what are you doing?” he asks, his eyes still shut and his head now tilted downwards towards you. His voice is soft and sweet. But you can hear the hope in there that he failed to hide, too. He knows exactly what you’re doing, and he’s as desperate and eager for you to start as you are.

You’re not simply "angry" with your boss anymore. No. Thinking about how you and Dwight could be spending the day, you hate this asshole even more for calling him in.

“I think you know,” you say with a laugh, smiling even bigger when his face turns pink again, further betraying his desperation and almost unbearable desire. “But just in case,” you continue, trailing your free hand up his leg and resting it on his ass with another playful little squeeze, “if you’re not into it, tell me to stop.”

He tries to say, “OK,” but his brain goes to static when you move your hand from his balls to his now rock hard dick, giving him just a couple of slow, gentle strokes. All that comes out is, “O-kAAAAAH! Oh, god…”

That’s nothing compared to when you finally begin to use your mouth on him, your hand remaining on his shaft as a guide. You lick your lips before pressing them against the tip for a soft kiss. You can feel him already beginning to shake, and his knees buckle just slightly when you move your tongue down his shaft, then back to the tip and repeat on the other side, shifting it underneath as you bring it back up the second time and lick upwards at the head.

He cuts you off before you ask him how he’s doing this time, knowing you’re about to and being unable to take any more teasing. “Please keep going,” he begs breathlessly and sounding like he might cry if you don’t.

Your lips are back on him, now taking the tip into your mouth and playing with it for a moment with your tongue, lapping up the precum that had begun to drip out of him. You slide onto him as much as you can, massaging him with your tongue and guiding him in and out with your hand, occasionally humming and moaning for added sensation.

His knuckles are white from how hard his grip has become on the dresser. His eyes are shut tighter than before. He’s trying not to moan too loudly, but he can’t help it. He’s trying to stop his knees from buckling again because his trembling has gotten worse in how amazing this feels. He’s focusing whatever brain power he has that isn’t locked on what’s happening to stop his body from involuntarily thrusting for more contact. But the man positively unravels when you move your hand from his ass to play with his balls again, using the hand on his dick to make an “O” shape against your lips. Your hand and mouth begin stroking him in unison and your moaning becomes more consistent.

“Oh my g-- Oh… OH! AH!!!”

His head snaps back and he calls out your name. The noises he makes are a mixture of moans and sobs. He tries to tell you he’s going to cum (a little too late, but you don’t mind) but he’s so lost in his orgasm that he can’t form words anymore. He feels like he might collapse as he spills into your mouth. Whatever embarrassment he might have had before dissipates in his rapture. He gives one last little “ah” as you slide him out with a soft pop.

You swallow and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand before planting soft kisses on his body again, working your way back up and using the dresser to help you stand again. Each kiss makes him shiver, his whole body feeling tingles. Of course, you pause at his nipples again, this time giving each a little more attention and making him laugh in between moans. But you make your way back up to his neck, and back to his jawline before sucking on his earlobe a moment.

“How do you feel,” you whisper, sending another shiver through his body.

“That… That was amazing. I-I just can’t believe…” He trails off and gets quiet a moment. You’re kissing his neck so lovingly, but his anxiety begins to return and he can’t shake the feeling. He’s never been this lucky, and he’s never fallen this hard for someone before.

“This is real, right?” he finally asks. His voice sounds like he might cry. It breaks your heart.

“Dwight,” you say, now looking him in the eye and not raising your voice much louder than whispering, “yes, it’s real. I love you.”

He wraps his arms around you tightly and kisses your cheek.

“You should probably go get cleaned up… Again,” you say, laughing.

“Just a couple more minutes,” Dwight replies, still holding you.

“You can have me for much longer than that when you get back later.”

He smiles. “I’d like that very much.”

He really is adorable. How did you get this lucky?

#dead by daylight #deadbydaylight #dwight fairfield x reader #dwight fairfield #dead by daylight dwight fairfield #dead by daylight x reader #dead by daylight dwight #dwight fairfield x you #dwight fairfield x gn!reader #fluff #smut

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biggest-stupidhead · 4 years ago

Note

more modern au levi x reader!! is it okay where reader makes petra jealous???

Just a reminder: WE DO NOT CONDONE PETRA SLANDER IN THIS HOUSE!!!

with that said, I will write this heavily focused on Petra to make it a lil angsty, hope you enjoy!

Summary: Petra watches her ex fall for another

Word Count: 1.7K

It had been two long years since Petra and Levi ended things. It wasn’t messy but it was painful, she had seen it coming from a mile away. He had grown just as distant as he had been when they first met. Staying late at work, texting her dryly, and using terrible excuses. Although she had known it was coming, she still was a wreck when he actually ended things. She spent the months following the break up drinking wine and crashing at Oluo’s place regularly. After two years she was finally feeling better, dare she say, ready to get back into the dating scene? Or at least that’s what she thought, she was scrolling through her instagram feed when she stumbled across Hange’s page. It was someone’s birthday, someone she wasn’t familiar with.

A woman with bight eyes and an even brighter smile was in the center of the group photo. On her right was Levi, who had an arm thrown casually over her shoulder, the faintest trace of a smile on his lips. Petra pinched the screen to zoom into Levi’s side, where she saw a feminine hand on his waist. She stared stupidly at the image. She shouldn’t feel jealous, she had no right. It had been two long years since the break up. But the picture only dredged up old memories of times when she would hold Levi that same way. When that smile was directed to her. She then turned her attention to the caption, which read:

Happy Birthday (Y/n)! 24 never looked so good!

She then scrolled through the comments, many of them consisted of birthday wishes and support. She lost interest when she didn’t see Levi’s username and instead went back to the collection of photos, three of them in all. The group one that she assumed had just been taken, the second one was a picture of Hange and you on the beach, Petra felt a involuntary wave of self consciousness wash over her at the site of you in a swim suite. The final picture was the one that hurt the most though, it seemed to be a very old picture of you, maybe from your early years in college? You were sitting on a couch with younger versions of Hange, Erwin, Levi, and Moblit. Levi’s arm was casually thrown over your shoulders. Why had he never mentioned you before? Were you the reason that they broke up? No Levi had assured her that it wasn’t like that, said he wasn’t seeing anyone else. She tried to stop herself from going down that rabbit hole, but she couldn’t seem to. Before she really knew what she was doing, she had clicked on your profile which she was almost disappointed to find as public. This meant that there was nothing stopping her from judging every perfect image that was posted, and to her pleasant surprise, there was only one photo of you and Levi. The photo was posted the week prior, the two of you were hiking in the mountains, the dusty trial behind you. Your face was flushed from the exertion of the climb, Levi seemed cool as a cucumber, his face blank and void of emotion. She scrolled through the post and found a video, the sound of your shoes crunching and Levi talking behind you were clear as day.

“I mean come on, who uses fucking Lipton? Have some god damn class.” Levi spat, as you snorted in amusement. Petra found herself chuckling along with you at Levi’s little rant. She felt a rogue tear slide down her cheek when you showed the phone to Levi, who’s face fell from being mildly animated to apathetic once more. You cackled as he swiped the phone and the video ended abruptly. It was so innocent, it was clear from the rest of your page that you were a private person, much like Levi. With little indication that you were dating him, it left her wanting to know more. More about the girl that had taken her place, had managed to worm her way into Levi’s heart of stone and make herself comfortable. As soon as these thoughts crowded into her head, she deleted instagram all together and powered her phone down, determined to wipe her memory of the images she had seen.

The music was a nice distraction from the awkwardness that hung in the air. You had arrived uncharacteristically early to Hange’s party, and consequently meeting a whole group of people that you had never met before. The new people were about your age, three young men and one stunning young woman. It was early fall and Hange’s annual bonfire bash as you all had dubbed the event. Basically you lit a massive fire, when you were younger it was your past assignments from your pervious school year, then it became just regular old wood. You tapped your finger against the cool beer bottle as you leaned up against the counter, the men were laughing obnoxiously as they dropped the alcohol that they’d brought into one of the many coolers. The woman was looking at you almost nervously, she seemed extremely on edge, shifting her weight back and forth, eyes wandering around the room in a jittery manner. You frowned, wondering what was bothering her, but ultimately deciding that it was not really your business. Erwin shimmied behind you, his hands on your shoulders as he slide past you into the kitchen. You caught his arm, clinging to his familiar presence.

“Erwin.” you hissed as he stooped to reach your level.

“Who are these people?” you asked as you held his bicep firmly in your grasp. He pulled away and looked at you with a confused expression.

“You mean Levi didn’t tell you?” He said slowly, clearly he was unsure if it was his place to speak on the relationship between Levi and these people.

“No....” You said carefully, not wanting to make Erwin uncomfortable.

“Oh well they used to work in the same department before Levi switched.” He said, he looked over to the men and motioned for them to come over, they ambled over with curious expressions.

“What’s up Erwin?” the dark haired man asked as he looked between the two of you.

“Just thought I’d ought to introduce you to (Y/n) here, she’s an old friend of ours from high school.” Erwin explained, his hand still comfortingly placed on your mid back. You waved shyly and smiled at all of them, including the girl.

“Pleasure to meet you.” The blonde with a ponytail said, outstretching his hand to shake yours.

“I’m Eld, this is Gunther, Oluo, and that fine young lady over there is Petra.” He said, pointing at all of them respectively.

“It’s so nice to meet you guys!” you said sweetly as you struck up a conversation with Oluo about what they thought about the department that they worked in. It didn’t go unnoticed that Petra remained nearly silent, her amber eyes wide and a bit fearful. When the interns arrived, the men were quick to go help them carry in the alcohol that they brought, leaving you and Petra alone in the kitchen. You cocked your head at her as you poured some pretzels into a large bowl. The warm glow of the setting sun cast a halo over her head and you couldn’t help but voice your admiration for her.

“You’re really pretty.” you gushed as she blushed at your words and turned to look at you with wide eyes.

“So are you...” She returned the compliment and you smiled, feeling more at ease now that the two of you were alone.

“So how long have you known Hange?” You asked conversationally as you crumpled up the bag and tossed it into the trash.

“Hm let’s see...about four years now?” She responded with a bit of a wistful tone.

“Really? I’m surprised we haven’t met sooner!” you chuckled as the two of you opened a bottle of wine and poured it into two large glasses. The two of you strolled out into the bark yard, where Hange and Moblit were chucking large pallets of wood onto the fire pit. You and Petra sat down in two lawn chairs watching as Hange and Moblit bickered over if it was safe enough to light the fire with gasoline.

“I am too, you seem....like a really nice girl.” Petra said a bit downcast as she looked deeply into her wine.

“So do you! We should grab breakfast ooo or maybe even brunch sometime!” You said excitedly and Petra sat there in awe, wondering if there was even a mean bone in your body. Or if you had any clue that she had dated Levi.

“Yeah...this is kind of random but...are you dating Levi?” She blurted out, her face turning to look at you with a flushed expression. You nodded nonchalantly and took another sip of your wine.

“Yeah we just started dating about a year ago.” You said with a shrug, Petra inhaled, readying herself for the next words that would either make or break the future relationship between the two of you.

“Did...you know we dated?” she said, cringing when the words left her mouth. She sounded crazy and she knew it, but she felt obligated to clear the air between you before it got bad.

“Hm I think he mentioned it once or twice, and Hange told me about you when you first started dating.” You said looking up thoughtfully, your tone held no malice or any sign of ill will.

“You’re not...”

“Insecure? Nah, and don’t take that like I’m being cocky! I just mean that...”

“No, no let’s just not do this. I’m sorry for bringing it up. God I’m such a bitch.” Petra went to stand and you followed her, catching her wrist.

“It’s alright really, I don’t care about what happened between you and Levi. It’s frankly none of my business, I just...wanna be friends with you.” you smiled at her sheepishly as she looked at you with wide eyes.

“Oh” She managed to say dumbly.

“That is if you want to be friends.” You said, letting go of her hand and giving her some space.

“Yeah...I think that I’d like that very much.” Petra said with a bright smile.

In honor of Women’s History month, I couldn’t bare to write something that was a stereotypical jealous ex, so I did the next best thing and wrote this more geared towards the reader and Petra bringing each other up instead of tearing one another down. As someone who was apart of the fandom back in like 2014 I am way too familiar with writers turning Petra into a psycho bitch, and I don’t like that. SO I hope that this is good enough to fit the prompt!

#levi x reader #levi x y/n #levi x you #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi ackerman #jealous petra ral #modern au #erwin smith #hange zoe #moblit #aot fanfiction #aot fandom #light angst #fluff #women supporting women #no petra slander allowed #womens history month

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diofasolia · 3 years ago

Text

{Always}

{Shattered! Dream x Reader}

Shattered! Dream by @shattereddreamsau

Writings by me

Today (8/7) is Shattered! Dream's birthday and I decided to post a writing I did last year—which is also the reason why I eventually join in the tumblr

Because back when I wrote this story, I found Dark Cream comic, which made by amazing @zu-is-here

Her creations give me the inspiration for the writing

The story is long (it has like 2000 words in it) and may be a bit cheesy, but I'll be happy to know if you read the whole thing (◡ ω ◡)

******

Before the story start, I want to ask you a question.

Do you believe that the worst person can change?

Oh! How awkward, sorry, I ask the wrong question.

What I meant to ask is—

Do you believe that the best person, the kindest person in the world can change?

Maybe…all it needs is a tiny push?

The harsh whipping hits in my abdomen again. I kneel on the ground, thinking how deep the scar might be from that blow.

"What're you doing!? Look at your king when I'm talking to you! Such a piece of useless trash!!"

"I apologized, My Lord."

Raising my bruised neck, I gaze at the former guardian of positivity. Those eyes that used to hold the tenderness, now only fill up with hatred.

"Where're those fricking basters!? I told you to track down my brother and other Sanses!"

"I'm sorry, My Lord. They escaped. I can't find where their location is–"

Not even waiting for my sentence finished, another powerful punch land on my face. I watch as a tooth fall out of my mouth. Blood dripping down my chin.

"Worthless! Can't even do a little task like that!"

Multiple kicks and insults throw at me. The numb feeling slowly occurs in my torso as I curling up into a ball.

Closing my eyes, the memories from the past arises in my mind, bringing me back to the day that I seal my fate.

"Dream? Earth to Dream!"

"(Y/N)? What's wrong, love?"

"What's wrong? I've called your name for five times! But you didn't answer to me."

Dream scratches the back of his skull, looking a bit embarrassed.

"Is that so? I'm sorry, (Y/N)! It won't happen again, I swear!"

I cuddle Dream close, letting out a giggle.

"It's fine! I don't really mind it. But Dream, you tend to space out recently. Is there something on your mind? You can tell me everything, you know that, right?"

Giving me a kiss on the cheek, Dream smiles gently. He assures me that there's nothing to worry about. It’s just the task of guardian makes him a little exhausted.

"Well, if that's the case, go on and get some rest! I will inform you if something was up."

"Okay! Thanks, (Y/N), I'm glad I have you by my side."

"Me too, my dreams and hopes."

It's been quiet in Dream's room. He must be very tired. I knock on his bedroom door, telling him to wake up.

"Dream, I know you're tired. But you still need to eat."

"Dream? Are you awake yet?"

There's no answer.

Guess I’ll have to get into his room.

Yet no one is there, only an opening portal hanging in the air.

A portal leads to Dream's corrupted universe.

"I'll show you, brother. I know what you're feeling…I know what you're going through…"

"No! Dream, stop!! You don't know what you're doing!!"

Two vague voices shouting in the distance. I begin to run like my life is in danger.

What the heck is going on here?

What is this dreadful feeling?!

I'm too slow.

The half bitten black apple lay on the ground. I watch in horror as the small tendrils creeping out Dream's eye sockets. His painful screech rings in my ears.

"Dream!!!"

I reach out to him, hoping that I can comfort Dream in my arms. The positive energy…they gotta do something, right?

"What…? Nightmare! Let go of me!! I need to…to get Dream!!"

"No! You can't get near him now, (Y/N)! You'll…you'll get hurt!"

I thrash in Nightmare's hold, screaming at the top of my lungs.

"Dream!! No! Dream!!!"

"What's wrong, love?"

My teary eyes stare up, it's…Dream's voice.

But it sends an unknown coldness down my spine.

"Ahh, you're crying! Good, keep doing that."

A sadistic grin spreads on Dream's face.

"I love it."

Nightmare is already sobbing, begging for his beloved brother to come back. I walk step by step to Dream, putting on the best smile I can muster.

"My love…Dream…please, come back to me…! I love you. I know you're strong enough to resist those negative feelings…"

Dream cackles loudly. The tentacles wrap tightly around my neck, pulling me closer to him.

"Go back? To my weak self? (Y/N), when did you become stupid? Why would I do that?"

"I've already past the point of no return."

A bucket of freezing water splashes on me. I must have passed out during the abusing session.

"Wake up."

"Get clean up, we're leaving."

I pick up my sore body, stumbling across the lonely hall that me and Dream live in. There's no one here except the two of us.

"Make a choice, (Y/N). Will you join me? Or will you prefer to disobey me like my coward brother?"

"I'll go with you."

I want to weep, yet I can’t even shed a single tear. I shouldn't be upset. After all, it's me who decided to follow my corrupted lover.

Filling up the bathtub, I submerge myself in the steamy water.

"Why, (Y/N)!? Why are you side with him!? Open your eyes! Dream doesn't love you anymore. He's just using you!"

"It doesn't matter, Nightmare."

"Great job, (Y/N)! You make this AU full of despair and miseries! I always know you're my favorite soldier!"

"It's my pleasure to serve you, my lord."

I scrub my blood-stained skin, the wounds sting because of the soapy water. Some of the old gash reopened, making me yell in frustration.

"We can save Dream! Don't lose any hope, (Y/N)!"

"How? There are barely things we can do. It's over, Nightmare. Look at yourself! You transfer back because Dream shattered! How are you gonna turn him back? By let someone else eats a black apple again?!"

The white dirty bandages wrap around my mess up torso. Why am I even bother treating my injures? They sure are going to reopen soon anyway.

"No matter what you say to me, I won't change the path I've chosen, Nightmare."

"I've already gone far enough."

"I don't understand…he's hurting you, (Y/N). Are you still…in love with my brother?"

I hate it so much.

The smell won't disappear no matter how many times I wash it over and over.

I hate it.

My hair smells like those disgusting goop on Dream.

Why can't I get rid of this sickening stink!?!

Throwing the bottles at random direction, I tug my hair till I scream out.

"What's with all that noises in there!? You better finish your business soon, I'm losing my patience!"

I hate it.

"I deeply apologize for making you wait for such a long time, my lord."

I wish I can understand your pain sooner.

"Whatever, time to leave."

I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

"My lord, where are we going, may I ask?"

Dream's left eye glows in excitement.

"I find out where those sneaky scums are hiding."

With a wave of hand, Dream opens the portal leads to an unknown empty place.

No one is left out.

Nightmare, Ink, Blue, everyone's here.

"And I'm going to give them a pleasant encounter."

But today is a little different.

Then all hell breaks out.

Nightmare's starting to transform. The dark gooey substance covering up his body gradually.

The same routine as usual. Nightmare pleads Dream to stop his actions while the former guardian of positivity just laugh it off, a bit talks here and there.

"Miss me, dear brother?"

The crazy laughter of Dream rings in the air.

"Yes! Finally, things are getting interesting!"

While Dream focusing on battling with Nightmare, I have to handle the two other skeletons.

"I know deep down you don't want to fight us, (Y/N)! Let's just drop our weapons, okay?"

Ink creates a bunch of arrows, ready to launch them at Dream. I block his charge immediately, slashing Ink's arm with my sword.

My silence is always my only answer.

"No one's going to get near Dream."

I continue to attack Blue. We've already been through this conversation many times.

"How…how's this possible?!"

Dream can only defense himself from Nightmare as the latter one keeps on firing attacks. It looks like Nightmare gets more advantage of the battle.

"Seems like you can't control your tentacles very well yet, little bro."

Nightmare mocks, resulting Dream to lose his temper. He strikes at Nightmare blindly, only to receive a powerful blow in the guts.

"Dream!!"

I rush to Dream, who’s looking more exhausted than usual. From the way how he’s panting heavily, I know he's already losing too much strength to fight.

"Get away from me! I don't need your help!!"

The attack is sloppy but I didn't dodge it. Dream can beat me all he wants after I get him to safety.

Even if it means I can possibly die.

"My lord, I apologize, but we have to move to another universe again."

Dream growls at me.

"It's you who are dragging me down!!"

They're still following us.

I'm whacking to the ground in a flash. A heavy boot stamps on my ribs harshly.

The nasty cracking sound and my piercing shirek fills in the air.

"You're no longer useful to me."

I watch as Dream disappears in a portal. He doesn't even spare a glance at me. Leaving me bleeding and slowly dying on the ground.

"I've told you."

Nightmare's lurking shadow towers above me.

"Oh no, Ink! We must save (Y/N)! She's…!"

Ink put a hand on Blue's shoulder, shaking his head solemnly.

"We can't, Blue. Remember, our priority is to capture Dream."

"Please, Night…"

I find myself pleading to Nightmare.

"Don't…kill Dream…"

"You and I both know that's an empty promise, (Y/N)."

Three skeletons begins to move towards the portal that opens by Ink. Before they leave, Nightmare whispers in a quiet voice but loud enough for me to catch.

"…he's in Dreamtale."

How much will you sacrifice for protecting your fallen love?

"You really are dumb. You know that?"

"Or you're just enjoy me breaking you apart bit by bit?"

"Don't you scare of your own nightmares?"

"I deserve it."

"I'm already living with it."

"You will always be my fading dreams."

"It's my own redemption."

"Surrender now, Dream. Then we can put an end to this whole mess."

My time is running out.

"Heh, I thought you know me well, dear brother. You should get the answer by yourself now."

"…goodbye, my poor little brother.

I pray to you, God. Let me see him one last time.

I can't save him the last time.

It's always a miracle how accurate the portal can lead to.

"(Y…Y/N)?"

This time, I'm going to save Dream.

There's no pain anymore.

"…at least…you……say my…name……one…last……time…"

Crimson blood drips down my penetrated torso. I think I see Dream's crying. But that might be just my own tears.

Forgive me, Dream.

My collapsing body falls forward, landing on the soft grass surface before me.

(3rd pov)

"Nightmare, I need your assistance."

"I thought we're enemies now."

"There's a method I want to try. It might succeed to bring Dream back."

"Well, I'm here to listen."

"She's just a tool."

"Nothing else."

"Because I know him well. The extreme emotion is the only possible way to get things right again."

Dream mutters to himself like a broken recorder. Staring the wrecking body of yours, his non-existent heart begins to hurt.

"I refuse! That's too dangerous! You surely will be dead in this terrible plan! Besides, how can you so sure he'll behave like you predict!?"

"It's worth it. I'm doing this for the whole alternate universes, and him."

"But…you…"

"Wake up! I demand you to wake up now! (Y/N)!!"

"It's not…worth for your own life."

"Don't pity me. Pity for the one who can't help himself in his own nightmare."

"Wake up."

"Don't leave me…alone, (Y/N)…please…my love…"

Ahh, it must be the time when he transfers into this horrible creature.

Nightmare, who’s now in his uncorrupted form, widening his eyes.

"…congratulations, (Y/N). Your suicidal plan…works."

Dream doesn't recall when’s the last time he breaks down.

No one dare to speak a word, except Dream drowning in his own pitiful cries.

"Always."

"I don't understand…he's hurting you, (Y/N). Are you still…in love with my brother?"

You look at Nightmare with a smile, replying to him like it's the only correct answer in your mind.

#my writings #solia's writing #shattered dream #shattered!dream #dream #shattered dream × reader #sans x reader #sans x y/n #ink #blue(underswap sans)#nightmare #fanfic #I think Shattered is kind of a special character me #hope you guys enjoy the reading uwu #tw violence #tw angst #tw death #tw a bit abuse mention

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tonystarksfavoritedaughter · 4 years ago

Text

Crazy Rich Avengers

Chapter 1:

Summary: You and Peter have been dating for a little over 6 months and have not yet met the Avengers. You were getting curious as to when you would meet them, until you get an invitation from Tony Stark himself, inviting you and Peter to Wanda and Vision’s wedding in Hawaii over Spring Break. You thought that it would be nice to go and finally meet everyone, but what will you think after you’ve been tested by the team?

*Based on the movie Crazy Rich Asians, each chapter will be a different scene from the movie. There will be 15 chapters. Also includes a GIF from the movie scene at the beginning of each chapter.

A/N: I’ve had this series planned for a little while now, and I just got this chapter done and edited and I feel really good about it. I didn’t know if anyone would want to read this until I posted about it yesterday and got some really good feedback, so thank you all who liked it and asked to be on the taglist so much! This chapter is the first scene of the movie, just some things are switched up to fit Peter and the Avengers. Just note that this one is kind of short and nothing much really happens in this chapter since it is just the beginning, but hopefully the next one is a bit juicer.

Warnings: swearing and fluff

Word count: 2166

Chapter 1

“Okay class, make sure to email me those presentations by Monday. I don’t want to keep reminding you guys over Spring Break because I’ve still got a life outside being a professor.” The whole class laughs at your professor’s bluntness. It kind of reminds you of your friend from high school, who would always spoke her truth, even when no one asked for it. You packed your things and waited for a clear space to exit your row. Who knew so many kids would be in a business class? Not you apparently. You were a culinary student at the Institute of Culinary Education or ICE for short. Your dream was to become a baker and own your bakery, hence the business class. This was your last class of the day, and you couldn’t wait to see your boyfriend. You two had been dating for a little over six months and it was the best six months you could ever ask for.

You exited out of the classroom, finally, and made your way towards the elevator. On the way down, you looked through your messages and saw that you had five new texts from Peter.

Peter: Hey babe! I’m out of my photography class now. (1:15)

Peter: Waiting by the couches (1:15)

Peter: I miss you (1:17)

Peter: I’m hungry. Let’s go to that pizza place for lunch. I really want some of their cannoli’s (1:20)

Peter: Y/NNN!!! WHERE ARE YOU??? (1:23)

The elevator stopped at the lobby and you walked over to Peter, who sprang out of his seat and practically ran over to you. He hugged with the force of what you assumed felt like ten tons just based on how tight he held you. You laughed at his clinginess and pushed him off of you.

“Dude my class ran like ten minutes late. What’s the matter with you?” you laugh.

He held your hand in his own and smiles at you. “Just missed you is all. Did you see my text about the cannoli’s?”

“Yeah I saw it.”

“And?” he asks hopefully.

“Aaaaaand what?” you played dumb just to see his cute pouty face.

“Can we get cannoli’s?”

“Yes, we can get a cannoli.”

“Ah! You’re the best! Cannoli’s!” he yells at an insane volume for someone who’s just walking down the street. This earns you both a weird look from the people on the sidewalk. You were about to kiss his cheek until he just took off down the street with your hand still in his. You guessed you never knew he liked cannoli’s so much. Maybe you should try out a recipe and make him some one day.

You get into the pizza restaurant and sit down across from each other and waited for the waiter to take your order. You order your drinks; Peter gets Diet Pepsi and you get a Sprite. Both of you talk about how your classes went and held each other’s hand while you talked.

“So, I’ve got to do this project for my class,” Peter began, “And my camera is at the Compound, so tomorrow I’ll be a little late getting home.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Oh! Speaking of which,” you slam your palms on the table, which makes Peter jump a little. “When am I going to meet them? I mean we’ve been dating for going on seven months now, and I still haven’t met them. And I know they know about me because I got a message from Nat telling me happy birthday two weeks ago.” You raise an eyebrow at him waiting for his answer.

“Speaking of said topic, that reminds me. We got invited to Wanda and Vision’s wedding. And it is next Friday in Hawaii, which is perfect because a) we don’t have classes because it’s Spring Break, and b) I know Hawaii is one of your bucket list places.”

Your jawed dropped for several reasons. One, it’s Wanda and Vision’s fucking wedding! You never met them, but from the way Peter talked about them, you could tell they were meant to be. You always thought that they were like what you and Peter had times one hundred.

“Are you serious? They’re having their wedding in Hawaii?”

“Yeah. They thought that since Mr. Stark – “

“What can I get you two today?” the waiter asked breathless. You didn’t even realize how busy they were.

You looked up at him, “I’ll have a slice of the cheese pizza please?”

“And I’ll have two slices of the meat lovers. And can I get three of your best cannoli’s please?” Peter smiled at the waiter as he wrote down your order.

“Alright that’ll be right out.” He walked away almost jogging to get your order in. Goodness they were slammed.

“As I was saying,” Peter continued. “Mr. Stark has one of those beach houses in Maui and so, they thought that it would be the perfect place for them to tie the knot.”

“Wow, so, we’re invited? Like we’re going to Maui and attending the wedding? And meeting everyone?” you asked now slightly worried.

“Yeah,” he drags out confused. “That’s what kind of what ‘You’re Invited’ means.”

“I know, it’s just…this will be the first time I’m meeting them and I always imagined it would be at a like Sunday dinner type of thing. Not a fucking Avengers wedding!”

“It’s okay, I know they’re gonna love you no matter what.”

You take a sip of your drink, “This is also works out for another reason because MJ has been asking us to come see her ever since she moved to Kahului.”

“All the more reason to go.”

You both get your food and Peter immediately starts on the cannoli’s that he’s been longing to eat and practically moans at the taste of them. You get the check and pay and tipped extra for your waiter, because they need to be paid way more than minimum wage. The two of you walk out and head home so you can spend the rest of the night together.

“So, when do we leave for Maui?” you ask, swinging your intertwined hands between the two of you.

“Umm, I believe on Saturday.”

Today was Thursday so that means that you only had tonight and tomorrow to pack for a whole entire week. “Shit! I have almost no clothes washed, are you kidding me?” you yell. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

“I just found out this morning!” he yelled back.

“Okay, well it’s a good thing tomorrow I don’t have classes because now I have to do laundry all damn day.” You reach your shared apartment and go to change clothes and you go straight to the laundry room, faster than Peter could imagine. All of your good, cute clothes had to be air dried and so that’s what you did first. After half hour of folding, and drying, and hanging up clothes non-stop, Peter came in wrapped his arms around you.

“Baby, you’ve been here for forever, come sit down with me,” he pleaded.

“I will once I have all the clothes done, but until then,” you pat his cheek. “I can’t.”

He sighs an ‘okay’ and plants a kiss on your cheek and walks away. About twenty minutes later you had gotten all the laundry done and went to join Peter on the couch. He was watching reruns of Brooklyn 99 which was one of your favorite shows. He put his arms out and made grabby hands and you leaned into his touch. You laid your head on his chest with the rest of your body sprawled out on the couch. He put his arm around your shoulders and kissed the top of your head. You looked up and kissed his lips and sat up just a bit straighter. One of his hands went to the back of your neck and the other rubbed your thigh, and you relaxed even more into him. Your right hand carded through his hair and the other sat splayed on his peck, slightly gripping his shirt. You two stayed like this for what felt like hours, just basking in each other’s comfort. You pulled back to breathe and gave him one last kiss before going back to your original position, laying on him.

“What do you wanna watch?” He yawned.

“Well since your yawning and –“ you yawned this time. “And so am I, let’s just take a nap.”

He hummed in agreement and led you to your shared bedroom and he changed into just a pair of sweatpants. You laid down and he did shortly after. You turned, facing him as your chests were touching. You stared at him for quite a long time before you even realized that you were. His face scrunched up that was so cute you wanted to take a picture.

“What?”

“Nothing. You just look cute,” you said back.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“Nope. I do,” he challenged.

“That’s impossible because I love you to Jupiter and back,” you kissed his nose, ultimately shutting it down because you were tired. School had kicked your ass this week and you hadn’t really had anytime to just lay with Peter. You scooted down a bit so, you could lay your head on his chest, your legs intertwined, as he held you against him so tight that nothing could slip in between you two.

The next morning you had woken up extra early to make some French toast for you and Peter. You got out the bread and butter and the rest of the ingredients and started cooking. Since you were the one who was in the culinary department, the silent agreement between you and Peter was that you would cook, and he would clean your mess. You tried to not make too much of a mess, because you weren’t that mean. After a couple more minutes you got breakfast done and at that exact moment you put the toast on the plate, Peter comes waddling out with his hair a mess. It was almost like it was scripted like a scene in a movie.

“I smelled French Toast,” he smiled.

“Mhm, I thought that I would be nice and cook breakfast for you this time.” You pecked his cheek and gave him the syrup.

“Eat up and get ready for a long day of packing suitcases, babe,” you winked at him.

“Oh boy.” You didn’t hear his sarcasm often, but when you did it always made you chuckle.

He went over to the couch and you followed setting up the coffee table and turning on Spongebob to watch as you ate. You turned towards him and smiled and received a kiss on the nose. Today was going to be a good day, you thought.

It was now four thirty in the evening and you and Peter were packing up all your belongings into your suitcases. “Okay so you need your swim trunks, flip flops, sunglasses, and what else?” You ask.

“Is that just for swimming?” You nodded. “Then yeah I think that’s it.” You went over to his drawer grabbing his trunks out along with your swimsuit. You had all your clothes spread out into separate piles consisting of swimwear, pajamas, nice shirts, casual shirts, and wedding attire. Peter grabbed all of his clothes and stuffed them into his suitcase and you did the same. After that you went to the bathroom to grab all extra stuff that consisted of teeth and hair products, and everything in that category. Peter went into the kitchen to the medicine and started to pack anything that might be needed for allergy’s and whatnot. You figured you would pack your purse of carry on items before you left tomorrow morning.

After two hours of packing and double checking, and once the bed was cleared, you flopped down face first and groaned. “I’m so exhausted,” you huffed.

“Aww, is my baby tired?” He asked this as he pressed feather-light kisses to your neck that always made you shudder.

“Yes,” you say as you awaited a kiss on the lips. He happily kisses you, slow and lovingly, and you feel like you could stay there for eternity. He pulls away for minute to catch his breath. “We should probably figure out what we want to do for dinner.”

“How ‘bout leftovers? There’s still some enchiladas or lemon pepper chicken in the fridge.”

“Ooooh, let’s do chicken.”

You get up from the bed to heat the chicken up in the oven. “Imma make some garlic cheesy rice too!” You shout from the kitchen.

“Sounds good, baby.”

You two make your dinner and eat in a comfortable silence, watching TV. You both decided to watch one more episode of Parks and Rec before calling it a night, and Peter figured it would be smart to go to bed early since you would both have a long day of checking flights and meeting the Avengers tomorrow; and that was tiring by itself.

Tag-List: @randomstufflol29 @spideyspeaches @binnotjin

#peter parker fluff #peter parker x reader #peter parker #peter parker angst #peter parker imagine #peter parker smut #peter parker x y/n #peter parker series #peter parker oneshot

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mage-ellie · 4 years ago

Text

Birthday Boy

AN: He continues to rot my brain, but I am okay with this. Just a quick lil oneshot for Akechi’s birthday <3 I wrote this in like an hour so i'm sorry if it seems rushed or messy hadkjfhkjd. It's definitely not my best work lmao.

Original post: Click me!

Word count: 1592

Content: Fluff, end game spoilers, pancakes

The ex-detective exhaled softly as he reached the subway station, glad that the day was finally coming to an end. Going to college and doing his best to stay out of the eyes of the public was exhausting work. Thankfully, during his time out of the spotlight, he had managed to evade nearly every paparazzi and journalist that came his way.

Akechi glanced at his phone as he hopped onto the train to Shibuya in order to get home, only for a slight feeling of shock to overcome him for a brief moment. On his screen was your name, with a text message attached. All the message had was an unfamiliar address to what seemed to be a restaurant in Minato City, as well as a reservation time.

Despite the confusion that ran through his veins, you had piqued his interest. He thought it wouldn't hurt to stop by. He needed to eat dinner anyways. Although, he did his best to deny that he was hoping to see you there.

As Akechi approached the restaurant you had mentioned, he wondered if that message had just been a mistake and that you had meant to send it to someone else. However, as he approached the doors, the hostess behind the counter perked up and grabbed a menu.

"Good evening, Akechi-san. Your table is right this way." The hostess chirped as she beckoned for him to follow her.

He did his best to put on a pleasant face and followed along behind her. His confusion only grew as he took a seat at a table for one. He now knew that you definitely had something planned, but he had no idea what.

"Your server will be with you in just a moment." She said to the young man, then walked away to seat some other customers who had entered the building.

Akechi glanced over the menu items, taking a moment to decide on what he wanted before he had to place his order. Although, before he could fully decide on what he wanted, a figure appeared in the corner of his vision. He immediately plastered a smile on his face and turned his head, only to be met by you. He had been expecting you to join him for dinner, not serve him.

"Good evening, Akechi. Have you decided on what you want? Or would you like a few more minutes?" You asked him, a soft smile gracing your face. He could almost feel the smugness rolling off you in waves. You were clearly proud of what you were pulling.

"I haven't yet. Do you have any suggestions?" He responded, smiling up at you in return. The feeling of his smile curling upwards towards his eyes was foreign to him, and yet, it wasn't unpleasant.

"Hmm..." You trailed off as you reached over and opened the menu to point out the items. "I enjoy the chicken tender combo meal. As well as the cheeseburger and fries. I think you might enjoy the T-bone steak." You told him, earning a huff of a laugh in response. You looked over at him and raised an eyebrow, wondering what he found so amusing.

"Still a picky eater I see." He teased, not missing the surprise that flashed across your face.

"Sorry for knowing what I like." You quipped, giving him a playful glare in return. You watched as his smile turned into more of a smirk as you held eye contact.

"Well, I'll take the cheeseburger and fries with a water then. Hold the onions please." He said, closing the menu as you wrote down his order, then handed it to you.

"Sure thing. I'll be back soon with your drink." You told him, giving him one last happy smile before you turned and walked back towards the kitchen. You couldn't believe that he actually came. You had figured that a message like that would catch his attention, but you didn't expect him to actually show up.

As you put in his order, you also put in an order for the deluxe pancake breakfast meal. You knew he hated the word, but you were pretty sure that he still loved the food item. Plus, it was a free meal for his birthday. Could he really complain?

Once the cooks had finished his burger, you quickly took it to him.

"Alright. Here you go." You said as you placed down the plate. "Do you need anything else?" You asked him, tilting your head.

"No. Thank you." He hummed, unable to hold back his smile.

"I hope you enjoy." You responded, giving him another smile as you left to tend to some other tables.

You made sure to keep an eye on him as he ate. You didn't want him to leave before you could give him his dessert.

Finally, he wiped his face with a napkin before placing it on the table next to his plate. Now was the perfect time to bring him his gift.

You sneakily grabbed the plate from the window and approached him from behind quietly, hoping that he wouldn't turn around and ruin your surprise. When you entered his line of sight, a look of shock colored his face as his eyes landed on the small stack of pancakes that were covered in whipped cream and fresh fruit.

"Happy Birthday, Akechi." You said softly, feeling your heart race in your chest as you placed the food in front of him. He looked so conflicted as he stared at it, then slowly raised his eyes to look at you. You could practically see the gears turning in his head as he tried to formulate a response.

After a moment of silence, a genuine smile slid up his pink tinted cheeks as he finally accepted your gift.

"You remembered..." He murmured as he looked back down and picked up a fork.

"Of course I did." You giggled lightly, watching as he began cutting up the fluffy breakfast cakes.

"Are you going to sing to me too?" He asked, smirking up at you.

"I think we'd both rather die than have me sing to you in public." You quipped, earning a laugh in response.

Once he stopped, he took a moment to look at you before he asked his next question.

"Will you join me?" He inquired, looking a little hopeful. It took a second for his words to sink into your brain. This wasn't the outcome you had expected at all.

"I suppose I could take my 15 minute break now." You said as you removed the apron that hung around your waist. Before you took a seat beside him in the small booth, Akechi stood and stole one of the appetizer plates from the table next to his.

He quickly sliced up the pancakes and placed some on the smaller plate, then looked up at you expectantly.

"I can't eat all of this by myself." He said, looking down at you as you sat.

All you did was giggle in response as you stole a knife and fork from that same table so that you could eat with him.

You both stayed quiet as you began eating; just enjoying each others company for the first time in nearly three years. The last time you ate together was the night before you invaded Sae's palace. You all went out to dinner for one final hurrah as a Phantom Thief.

"Thank you." He mumbled, unable to look at you. You didn't miss the sad expression that overcame him as he spoke. "It's been a while since I've spent time with someone like this. I can't remember the last time I celebrated my birthday." He finished, still looking down at his near empty plate.

"Sorry for not messaging you sooner. I planned on doing this last year, but to be honest, I chickened out." You laughed awkwardly, shifting uncomfortably in your seat.

"No need to apologize." Akechi chuckled, finally looking at you with a vulnerability you've never seen from him before. "I... appreciate the fact that you decided to do it at all." He hummed. He had changed a lot since the last time you had spoken with him. You kind of liked these changes.

"L/N-san, your break time is over." Your boss barked, making you jump.

"Oops." You muttered as you stood and retied your apron around your waist. Akechi just laughed as he watched you hustle to get back to work.

"Hypothetically, if I were to come back tomorrow evening for dinner, would you serve me again?" He asked hesitantly, carefully watching your expression.

"Not tomorrow. However, if you hypothetically came back the day after, I would." You told him, watching as one last smile curled up his cheeks as you handed him the bill for his burger.

You waved goodbye to him as he exited the little restaurant and went on his way, relieved beyond belief that that had gone as well as it did. This was surely something you would be gloating about to the Thieves when you got off work. You could easily picture the jealous look on Akira's face.

As Akechi opened his wallet to put away his copy of the receipt, he noticed something written on the back of it. "It was nice to see you again. I've missed you :) -Y/N"

It took all of his willpower to keep himself from smiling like an idiot as he made his way towards the subway station. He knew he would find himself visiting that restaurant again in the near future.

#fluff #goro akechi x reader #happy birthday goro #friendship #post-canon #romance if you squint

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hemmingslftv · 4 years ago

Text

Not in the same way

Word count: 3k Warning: angst, mention of abortion. Requested: no but requests are open! A/N: hi! It's been almost a year since I last posted on here but I've had this idea on my mind for a while now and I just needed to write it down so here it is. I wrote it real quick so I don't think it's one of my best works. Enjoy! and, as always, any feedback is appreciated. Masterlist

- C'mon! We're gonna be late for your own party! - Ashton shouted while you ran down the stairs of the house you both shared as fast as you could with your high heels.

- I'm ready! - you said and you gave him a quick peck on his cheek while he grabbed the keys to your car.

It was your 25th birthday and Ashton had planned the perfect party. He had rented a house just outside of LA and you both wanted to get there before everyone arrived so you could welcome them. At first, you weren't so excited about the idea because you loved to spend time with your friends but you didn't really enjoy crowded places. But Ashton had convinced you that you only turn 25 once and you should celebrate it.

You arrived right after Calum, who was the first one to get there. One by one all your friends and family got there and you had to admit it was exciting to share the same space with everyone and to know that they were there for you. As the afternoon went by, you all had a few drinks and ate while chatting to each other, there was a chilled environment and you loved it.

When it was around 10PM, Ashton decided it was time for his speech. You knew it was coming sooner or later, he loved to speak in front of people and you loved to listen to him express his love for you so openly.

- Baby, can you come here for a bit? - he asked after everyone was silent. You blushed, the shyness that characterized you coming to the surface.

- Is it really necessary? - you asked making everyone laugh (even though it was a genuine question). Ashton smiled at you softly and you protested silently and started walking towards him.

- Thank you, love - he whispered once you were close enough so that only you would listen.

- So, as everyone already knows - he started his speech - it's y/n's 25th birthday today, which means she's getting old, but don't tell her or she'll freak out - you punched him jokingly on his arm and giggled - and it also means it's the 5th birthday I get to spend with the love of my life - he looked at you and you could see his eyes full of love, making you feel the luckiest girl on the planet. You stared at each other for apparently too long because Luke had to clear his throat to tell him to continue.

- Sorry, I got lost on her, it happens quite often - he said earning a few "aws" from the crowd - So, as I was saying, I couldn't have asked for a better person to spend my life with - he turned to face you and took your hands on his.

- y/n, I know you think I'm too cheesy or sentimental sometimes, but I need to tell you how I feel because I need you to feel loved. You've gone through so much and I've come to realize you must be the strongest person on earth because you have made it out of every possible situation, and always keeping a smile on your face. You've made me the man I am today, you helped me get out of my addiction and you stuck by my side when I didn't deserve you to, but I desperately needed you to. I think we both helped each other to love ourselves and we can put ourselves first in this relationship and I think that's what has kept us strong for a little bit over 5 years now. We went through the saddest event of our life together - you knew he was referring to the abortion you had almost a year ago that nobody knew about except for you two and you couldn't help but shed a few tears. You could tell his eyes were teary too and after a short pause, he continued - but we worked past it and we got out of it together, and stronger than we were before. y/n, you are the love of my life, you are the woman I want to wake up next to every day, my whole heart belongs to you and I couldn't imagine a future without you so - he said while kneeling down, making you cover your mouth with your hands as you realized what was going on.

- Ashton please don't - you tried to say, but you weren't sure if the words had actually come out of your mouth or if they were loud enough for him to listen. You were panicking more than you ever had before and you wished he was able to see it in your eyes. He was always so good at reading you, but this time he didn't, he was too excited himself to notice how your whole body tensed as he continued.

- So, y/f/n, do you wanna marry me? - he asked with hope and happiness written all over his face. You were frozen, this was the last thing you were expecting from this party and you felt suddenly trapped in your own body, unable to move. After a couple of seconds, Ashton tilted his head, waiting for your answer and you could tell he was starting to get nervous. - I... y/n? do you want to marry me? - he insisted and you snapped back to yourself but to everyone's surprise, you turned around and started running towards your car.

You ran as fast as you could. Halfway there you stopped to remove your heels and even though your heart was pumping louder than it ever had before you could listen to your best friend shouting for you to wait for her. But you didn't. You kept running until you got to your car and drove away.

As soon as you got home you started packing a bag. You didn't even know where you were going but you were more than sure you weren't welcome here anymore. You expected to cry at some point but you didn't, all you felt was numb. Not even 10 minutes after you had arrived you had your bag ready and you were about to leave your room when you heard the door open. "Shit" you muttered to yourself.

- Do you want me to stay? - you heard Calum ask from outside the door.

- No, it's fine. I can take it from here.

- Okay, call me if you need anything - he said before you heard the door closing. You took a deep breath, grabbed the bag, and started walking towards the door.

- Are you leaving? - Ashton asked as he saw you enter the living room. His tone wasn't an angry one, as you had expected, he sounded just sad. You were too ashamed to even look at him but you thought that was the least you could do and you built up the courage to look him in the eye.

- I guess, I didn't think you'd want me to stay here

- What? Why not? I wouldn't have asked you to marry me if I wanted you to leave

- No, I know, but I mean, after what just happened. Not only did I reject you but I also run away leaving you all alone to deal with the mess I made and I did it in front of all our friends

- Please stay, we need to talk - he said getting closer to you and you dropped the bag to the floor while he held your hand guiding you through your house. Both of you sat on the kitchen table, the place where you always had your serious talks - I need you, to be honest with me, do you not love me anymore? Have you fallen out of love with me? Is there... - he looked down for a second and you could see his jaw and hands clench - is there someone else you've been seeing? I know you always try to protect me but I need to know, I promise I can handle it

- No, no, no, no, why would you? Well, I mean, I can see why you would think that but no, since the day I met you, there's never been anyone else. And of course, I still love you, I love you more and more every day.

- You love me, just not in the same way I do, right?

- I don't know what you mean

- You say you love me, and I believe you, but you don't love me enough to marry me, is that it? Am I getting it right?

- No, I - you tried to reply

- 'Cause I would give my life for you, do you hear me? I would literally die if it meant you were safe. I'd do anything for you. And to be completely honest, I thought we were on the same page.

- We are, I promise, I would die for you too, Ash. But I don't know, I didn't expect you to ask me to be your wife just then and there, out of nowhere.

- Well, I guess that's the point, it's supposed to be a surprise, you know?

- Yeah, I know, but people talk about it first!

- C'mon! We've talked about it. I've told you a million times I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and all those times you agreed, how was I supposed to know you didn't want to marry me?

- It's not that I don't want to. I do want to wake up next to you every morning and I definitely want to grow old with you.

- What's it then? Why did you run?

- I'm not sure. I panicked. I could perfectly picture us together in 10 years, 20 or 40, and with all our kids and grandkids but I don't know, being your wife? That's a responsibility I doubt I am good enough for. How do you know you won't get tired of me? I mean, I'm great, but we both know I'm not the best you could have. You could literally marry any girl, and you chose me. And I guess I hadn't realized that until tonight and it was just too much for my brain to process at the same time. I'm sorry I ruined everything. See? That's what I mean, I am not perfect.

- I don't want perfect babe, I want you. And I will always want you. You would be the best wife ever, I just know it. You've been the best girlfriend all these years, it's not gonna change because we change the label.

- So you don't hate me?

- Of course not, I could never hate you. I get it, maybe I should have talked to you first, not ruining the surprise but making sure you had in mind it could happen soon.

- Yeah, that would have been great - you smiled slightly and relaxed when he smiled back at you. You thought you had ruined your relationship and you could now see that nothing could ruin what you both had, it was too strong.

- By the way, I think your father hates me, I left him quite angry but I didn't really have time to deal with that.

- Oh god, I'm so sorry - you both laughed for a bit, and then you asked - Ash?

- Hmm? - he mumbled looking at you.

- I do want to marry you - you were sure about your decision, you knew there wasn't anyone better for you than him and if he was just as convinced, why not take it a step further?

- Yeah, you do? - he said while he got up from his seat and you did the same - then let me try this again - he reached for the velvet box in the pocket of his jeans.

- You know what? - you said taking the box from his hand - let me try this time - You knelt just as he had done almost an hour ago and took a deep breath - Ashton Irwin, you light up my days, you are the reason I wake up every morning, the first and the last thought I have every day. Every moment I spend with you becomes my favorite one so far and I haven't really had time to prepare this speech and you know I'm not as good as you with words but I love you. I've never known anyone with a busier schedule than yours and you have made time for me every single day I needed it, and I think that shows how much you care for me, and I want you to know I care just as much. Every single feeling you have for me, I have for you, and I couldn't picture my life without you. Ashton Fletcher Irwin, do you want to marry me? - you said as a few tears slipped down your cheeks.

- Yes, of course, I wanna marry you! - he cheered holding your arms and helping you get up so he could kiss you.

- I don't have a ring but you do so, do you mind doing the honors? - you said opening the velvet box. He took the silver ring at slid it down your finger. It fit perfectly and it was the most precious ring you had ever seen.

- Do you like it? - he asked while kissing your cheeks and nose, cleaning the tears that still run down your face.

- I love it boo, it's perfect - you kissed him and the kiss heated up quickly but you took a step back as soon as his grip on your waist got a bit loose.

- What are you doing? I want you - he pouted.

- I know, I want you too but I need to tell you something before - you ran to your purse to get a little present you had planned on giving to Ashton at your birthday party. When you got back to the kitchen, he was already shirtless. You groaned at the view and bit your lower lip - I told you to wait - you said shaking your head so you could focus.

- I can't, you're too hot! - he giggled.

- I love you. Open this - you said handing him the small package. He knitted his brows together.

- I have no idea what this is - he said starting to open it.

- I know - you pressed the record button on your phone without him realizing and put the phone on the countertop so it recorded his reaction. You were excited for him to finally know what you had kept to yourself for almost 4 months now.

- It's a box! - he joked while he ripped out the paper it was wrapped in. As soon as he opened it you could see the tears building upon his eyes and they started running eagerly down his face as he held the tiny converse shoes that were inside the box - Are you? Please tell me you're not kidding me - you shook your head 'no', not able to contain your tears either - Oh my god! Are you okay?

- Yes, we're perfectly fine and healthy - you said while he hugged you and spun you around - I'm 4 months in.

- You're what? And you haven't told me? Babe, you don't have to keep doing things on your own, I'm here for you now.

- I know, I just didn't want to get your hopes up just in case, you know, I failed again

- Don't, please. It wasn't your fault, those horrible things just happen and they shouldn't, but they do, there was nothing you could have done better - he put his hand on your belly softly making you shiver - So that's why you haven't been drinking lately - you nodded.

- And that's why I wasn't in the mood for morning sex either. To be honest, I thought that was gonna give it away.

- Well, I had no clue, I thought it was just a phase. I can't believe we're gonna be parents babe, and you planned on leaving me with our creation inside you? - he teased.

- I hadn't thought about that! okay? I have the perfect excuse, it was the hormones - you laughed and removed his hand off your belly so you could pull your dress up - if you look closely you can clearly see them growing, I think it's showing already.

- Oh my god! It totally is! How have I not noticed this?

- You're not the greatest observer I guess

- Yeah, I'm definitely not. Did you go to the doctor's appointments all by yourself?

- No, Calum always came with me, he's the only one who I knew would keep the secret.

- Calum? Oh, so that's why he was so sure you weren't cheating.

- Did you seriously thought I was seeing someone else? - you asked kind of hurt.

- No, not really. I guess I was just trying to go through every possible situation in my head so that it wouldn't take me by surprise.

- I'm sorry Ash - you said cupping his face with your hands - I shouldn't have run. It's the last thing you deserve. You've done nothing but be there for me all these years.

- So have you, it's okay. Are you ready to share the news with the world? - he asked with a sparkle in his eyes.

- I guess so, I was gonna tell you in front of everyone at the party, now that the first trimester is over the chances of it going

- Shh, don't even think about it. It's gonna be okay - he assured you while he hugged you from behind - let me capture this moment - he got his phone out of his pocket and took a picture of his hand holding yours, with the wedding ring on it, on your belly - perfect - he whispered once he was happy with the result.

He posted it on Instagram with the caption "I couldn't have asked for a better mum for my children, including the one that's on the way. Love you forever y/n, your future husband".

#5sos #ashton irwin #5sos blurb #5sos angst #5sos fluff #5sos fic #dad!sos #ashton irwin blurb #ashton irwin fic #ashton irwin angst #ashton irwin fluff #ashton irwin fanfic #5sos fanfic

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imaginedxlan · 4 years ago

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Ghost of you Pt. 2 (Luke Patterson)

a/n: i pretty much set up the first one to have a part 2 so here it is! also sorry i haven’t posted in a while shawties, school just started and i’m taking 17 credits so i’ve been absolutely swamped. i’m going to try my best to post more often!

after julie receives a letter from a classmate concerning her new band mates, she immediately shares the message with them. Luke and the boys are forced to remember their lives before the accident and who they left behind.

y/l/n = your last name

part one

_________________

Y/d/n wasn’t quite sure why she had to find Julie Molina to give her the note you had given her, but after seeing the way you reacted to her video the day before she wasn’t about to argue. The next day at school, she found Julie and fought through the few people that were crowding around her so that she could fulfill her mother’s request.

“Julie!” She shouts, making the girl stop in her tracks. “My mom wanted me to give this to you, said it was important.”

After she hands Julie the piece of parchment with her mother’s writing on it. The first time Julie read the letter she didn’t know what to think. Someone who knew and loved Luke, Reggie and Alex while they were alive was reaching out to thank her. How could she tell someone who experienced their death that they aren’t alive but they’re here, with us? She read the letter three times before even thinking about bringing it to the garage. Holding the letter in her shaky hands she opens her garage door to see the three boys hanging around the piano.

“Julie Julie Julie!” Reggie repeats himself, making his way over to the girl. “Thank god you’re here.”

Luke turns around with his songbook in hand, face full of promise.

“We just came up with this killer chorus, you’ve got to hear this. It mixes the bands already epic sound with your voice it’ll be perfect!” He starts to get the boys hyped up next to him before seeing the look on Julie’s face. “What’s wrong Julie? Looks like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Reggie immediately snorts a laugh earning an elbow to the rib from Alex. Julie just shakes her head and hands the note to Luke before holding her arms in front of her chest. Luke’s eyes scan over the paper, his mouth widening more and more with each word. Once he’s finished he hands the letter to Reggie without a word, who then hands it to Alex. Julie patiently waits for them to respond but the boys all take a seat on the couch in front of her, all their words being ripped from their vocabulary.

“Julie,” Alex finally speaks up. It seems like he’s struggling to even get a word out, his knuckles turning white in the fists he’s formed. “Where did you get this?”

“A girl from school handed it to me today, said her mom wrote it and that it was important.” Julie explains, still waiting for some sort of reaction out of the boys. All she received was a pale group of teenage boys in front of her, Luke especially so. He looks like he’s going to barf any minute. Reggie has his hand on Luke’s back in support but it doesn’t look like it’s much help. “Luke who is she?”

Luke doesn’t answer, just rises to his feet and begins to pace around the room. He briefly stops, looking like he’s about to say something but then continues to pace around the room. “It can’t be her, do you have a picture of her Julie? Anything?”

Julie frantically shakes her head but pulls out her phone to pull up your daughter’s Instagram. She scrolls until she finds a post she made for your birthday featuring current and old photos of you and turns the phone to Luke. His eyes go wide and he continues to pace around the room. Eventually Alex gets up and starts to talk to him to calm him down but Luke is still panicking. “I want to see her, I need to see her.”

“Luke who is she?”

“Y/n was Luke’s girlfriend, up until we died.” Reggie replies for him. “She was our friend too, she came to all of our shows, every rehearsal. I can’t believe we didn’t ask for her sooner. Oh god she was there that night, guys. She was probably the first person to find out we were dead.”

Luke’s brain is immediately flooded with the last time he saw your angel face. The night at The Orpheum. He remembers thinking how pretty you looked, well you always looked pretty, but especially that night. He remembers how you were tucked into his side up until the very last moment before they left for sound check and pre-show street dogs. His heart aches at the thought of your face when you got the news. How you must have clutched onto Bobby for dear life so you didn’t just hit the floor.

Not only that, but he recalls one of his favorite memories with you. The guilt begins to rise in him as he thinks of one of the most important days in his young life, how that day revolves around you, and now that he’s somehow back on earth he’s yet to ask about you.

April 17, 1995

You’re sat in that dingy garage as the boys strum out melodies around you, hoping one will stick. Reggie, Alex and Bobby are already frustrated with the fact that they can’t seem to write a song as good as their first four. How are they supposed to make it big with only one demo? The three boys eventually become tired of the process, leaving you to listen to Luke persist on his guitar.

“Luke,” You call out with a yawn. You look over to your boyfriends face, eyebrows furrowed, you think of all the wrinkles that will form when he gets older from all the looks of frustration he makes. “Baby, it’s late.”

“I know, I know,” He replies, not bothering to look up from his song book. He suddenly flips back to a page filled with writing and sits back in his chair. “Want to hear something I’ve been working on? A little break from watching me stare at a blank page.”

A smile forms on your face as you nod your head. He begins a chord progression and you sit back and close your eyes. First things first, we start the scene in reverse... It doesn’t take you long to realize he’s writing about his mother. You’ve never pried him on his relationship with her, knowing it’s a touchy subject, but based on his departure from his childhood home you know it’s strained. The more you listen to the words, the sharper the pain in your chest becomes. Luke’s always been stubborn, you’ll be the first to point it out to him, but the way he’s able to say what he’s always meant to say in his songs never fails to amaze you. After your first big fight, he wrote a long beautiful song about how he was sorry, words that don’t come easily from his mouth. His love language is song.

Once he finishes, you open your eyes and just gaze at him in awe. He raises his eyebrows as to signal for you to share your thoughts on the song, but you just make your way over to chair where he’s sitting. You take a seat on his knee with your arms wrapped around his neck. “Luke, that is a really beautiful song.”

“You really think?”

“Of course I do.” You reply, Moving one hand to cup his cheek. “I know you miss her. I’m sorry for the way you left things, but she’s your mom, Luke. She’ll always want you back in her life. I think you need to show her.”

He just shakes his head, dropping his eyes down from yours to his lap. He begins to fidget with his hands like he always does when he’s nervous. “I-I don’t know y/n. I don’t want to go back until we’ve made it big, you know? I want to prove to them that this is all worth it.”

You just smile at him. His eyes still won’t meet yours and his hands continue to move in his lap. You take your index finger and press it under his chin, gently forcing his eyes to meet yours. Your thumb softly runs back and forth over his cheek bone. He gets so anxious, especially when it comes to talking about his parents, but you always make that anxiety melt away.

“You don’t have to go now, Luke, I know how hard this is for you. I’m really proud of you for writing how you feel, even more so for sharing it with me. That’s a huge step.” You coo, trying your best to ease his nerves. “I’ll be here every step of the way. I will never, and I mean never, let you go through this alone.”

A look flashes over Luke’s face, one you’d never seen before. A mix of both relief but more anxiety. His hands move from his lap and reach for yours. He never breaks his eye contact with you, his breath beginning to stagger. You cock your head to the side, shooting him a confused look, just before he clears his throat.

“Y/n, I love you.” He finally says, making your mouth hang open for a second before you begin to process what he’s said. “I know we haven’t said it yet and you don’t have to say it back but I need you to know I do. I couldn’t live this life without you and I love you.”

You’re quiet for a minute, not because you’re scared or angry, because you want to say it back but don’t want him to think you’re only saying it because he just did. You squeeze his hand thats intertwined with yours and give him a soft smile.

“Don’t think I’m only saying this because you just said it, alright?” You begin. He nods in response. “I love you, Luke. With every part of my heart, I love you. In every language I know, I love you.”

His once almost unnoticeable grin turns into his award winning, bright smile which only makes you smile more. He moves his hand from yours and brings it to your cheek. Slowly leaning into you, your lips eventually meet. This kiss feels different than all your others, it sounds cliche, but you feel safer in his arms here than you ever have. He eventually pulls away from you but rests his forehead against yours before repeating, “I love you, I love you, I love you....”

On and on for hours.

Present Day

“Luke did you hear anything we just said?” Reggie asks, waving a hang in his face. “Hello? Earth to Luke?”

He shakes his head before blinking a few times. His head hurts after remembering a moment like that. You have a daughter, you’re probably married now, he thinks. He’s happy you moved on, how could he expect you not to.

“Luke what do you want to do?” Alex asks, bringing him out of his thoughts once again. “She was your girlfriend, man. Your call.”

So many options come to his mind. You were an adult now, a grown woman with a life, with a child. Luke is just the ghost of a teenage boy. Julie could go on pretending they’re just holograms, nothing more, make it easier for you to continue moving on. Selfishly, all Luke wants is to see you, no matter how old you may be, he wants you to know he’s okay. He wants to be able to perform for you again, to hear all about your life without him. He knows full when we he sees you that you’ll be a different person now, but he doesn’t care.

“I want to see her.” He responds, finally done panicking. “I want her to see us.”

Alex gives him a cautious looks. While it was only fair that Luke gets to decide what to do in this situation, he can see how this could turn out pretty bad for all involved. Overwhelming you with the fact that your dead boyfriend now plays with a ghost band, giving Luke a look into the future he never got to have with you. While Reggie is all on board with seeing you again, missing his friend, Alex just can’t wrap his head around it.

But they listen to Luke. You were the closest to him, you meant the most to him, he gets to decide. Julie comes into school the next day and finds your daughter. She tells her that she’d love to talk to you about Sunset Curve and see anything you have saved from the 90s. She extends an invite to you to come over to her studio and talk about the boys. You’re nervous, understandably. You haven’t talked about them in so long, it hurting too much to even think about your friends, but this is for Julie too.

When you get to Julie’s house, you recognize everything. She moved into the studio. Their garage was once the place where you spent hours after school listening to all the songs the boys would come up with and watching movies after shows all snuggled together on Luke’s tiny couch. While your heart is pounding, you force yourself to enter, your box of Sunset Curve memorabilia in hand. You greet Julie, thanking her again for bringing the boys back to life in her music.

You didn’t know, well actually you couldn’t see, that the boys are there. They watch as you come in and take a seat on the couch where you made hundreds of memories with them. You look tired, they all see it. You don’t look much different than you did when you knew them, just like a seventeen year old you had that aged twenty five years. You’re wearing a ring, Luke comments on it and Alex and Reggie don’t say anything about it. You show Julie all your t shirts and polaroid pictures, explaining the story behind every single one. Alex and Reggie laugh when you get to the photo of the three of you. You’re in the middle, Reggie’s cheek is smushed against yours as Alex has his lips pressed to your other cheek. Yours and Reggie’s eyes are closed with the biggest, cheesiest smiles on your faces, the picture oozing pure joy. Alex and Reggie just look at each other and Alex places his hand on Reggie’s shoulder.

“This is one of my favorites,” You say referring to the photo. Holding it out for Julie to take. “They were the best, I wish you could’ve met them. Reggie was just the goofiest, most energetic person I think I’ll ever meet. If I was sad I always knew where to come, he could have me smiling in thirty seconds tops. And Alex, gosh my sweet Alex. He was like the backbone of that band. He knew exactly what to do and say whenever we had an issue, I went to him with my problems more times than I could count. I would give just about anything to hold them like this again.”

You pull out the next one which was of Luke. He had on a backwards hat with a huge piece cotton candy in front of his mouth, one eye closed as he was posing for a bite. Your first date. You went to a carnival together and you couldn’t pass up taking a photo of him with such a comically large food in his hands. You smile down at it, Luke is smiling too.

“Luke and I hated each other at first,” You tell Julie, but the boys lightly chuckle, remembering how you two would argue for hours on end before you realized you both liked each other. “I was friends with Alex first, Reggie not too long after I started hanging out with the band, but Luke was always so opposed to having me around. We would fight about the stupidest things. God, he was so stubborn but I think that’s what made him so strong willed, you know? There was nothing else he wanted in this world more than seeing Sunset Curve succeed. I think their success was partially due to the fact that Luke wouldn’t take no for an answer from anyone. We got over hating each other, I was actually dating him until, well you know.”

Your chest aches to think of seventeen year old you having your heart torn out of your chest and torn into a million pieces with Luke’s death. Luke can see the tears form in your eyes, wanting so badly to hold you and tell you that he’s okay.

“Mrs. Y/l/n-” Julie begins but you cut her off.

“Please, call me Y/n.” You beg. “You’ve done a lot for me Julie, with your holograms and everything, I think I owe you more than forcing you to call me Mrs.”

Julie smiles, her hands beginning to shake as she’s about to reveal the truth to you. It felt so much easier when she had to show Flynn, but this is different. It feels like there is more riding on this moment than when she showed her best friend. “Right, Y/n. There’s something I need to tell you. They’re, well they’re not really holograms.”

“What are you saying Julie?”

“This was my Mom’s studio. She passed away a while ago and when I was cleaning it out I played a CD that she had and...” She stops herself, she doesn’t want to sound crazy or seem like she’s being insensitive. You were the one that lost them all those years ago, she wants to respect that. “Out of nowhere these three boys just showed up, said they died the night before but I found out they died twenty five years ago. You can’t see them but they’re here. You can’t see them but you can hear them when they play, but when we play together for some reason they become visible. I know it sounds crazy but look around, there’s nothing that to project them in here, let me show you.”

You’re speechless. Part of you thinks she may be messing with you, but the other parts of you are praying that you may be able to see them play again. You start to look around the room, wondering if she’s right, that they’re actually here. Luke can see the emotions running through your face as your breath begins to quicken. He reaches for your hand but forgets that you can’t see or feel him. Julie gets behind her piano and begins to play. It’s been so long since you’ve heard music in this studio. You brace yourself for whatever will come next, not even know if you can handle a joke like this.

Out of nowhere, three boys seem to appear out of thin air, instruments in hand. Your mouth drops open as you see the faces of the three boys you lost in 1995. They look so real, they smile at you while they sing but you shake your head, thinking this is just some kind of dream. You went to every one of their performances, have seen them play hundreds of times but never this song, this can’t be a recording. Julie reaches out for your hand to pull you closer to the boys. Luke’s eyes haven’t left your face, wondering what could possibly be going on in your head. Tears start to fall down your cheeks as you watch them play, something you begged for in the months following their passing. You walk closer to Alex as Julie stops singing but they don’t stop playing.

“Alex...” You trails off, not being able to comprehend what is happening.

“Hi Y/n,” He replies with a smile, catching you off guard. You gasp as you reach for his shoulder but your hand moves right through him. “No holograms here, we’re ghosts now. Pretty weird right.”

“I just, I don’t understand.” You stutter on your words. You turn your head toward Reggie. “Why can I see you now?”

“We don’t know either,” Reggie replied, shrugging his shoulder. You just want to hug him like you used to but after your experience of shoving your hand through Alex’s body you stay away. “It’s good to see you, Y/n, you’ve grown up.”

You smile, tears still pouring down your cheeks as Reggie smiles right back at you. You take a deep breathe before turning around to Luke who is still strumming on his electric guitar. You hold your arms close to your chest and let out a quiet sob when you see his face.

“Hi Luke.”

“Hi Y/n,” He replies. He refrains from calling you any of his many pet names he had for you years ago, knowing too much time has passed for him to ever expect you to react well to one of them. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, hot shot.” You tell him, wiping a tear from your cheek. It feels odd, talking to the boy in front of you, unaged for twenty five years. “I missed all of you. You have no idea how hard it was to lose you.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex speaks up. “I’m sorry we left, you shouldn’t have had to go through that alone.”

Before you can respond, Reggie butts in to say, “You may not be able to always see us, but we’re here. We’ll always be here.”

“See you real soon, y/n.” Luke says as their music starts to fade out. The suddenly evaporate just as quickly as they appeared. You clutch at your chest, unsure of how to feel after this. You look over to Julie who has a sympathetic look on her face.

“How did that — What just — Did you”

“I was confused too, I still am,” Julie stops you, noticing the distraught and twisted look of your face. “You’re welcome to come back any time you like, I’m sure they’d love to see you — oh, yep they just told you to come back.”

As you leave the garage that you spend most of your formative years in, your heart and your heart cannot stop racing. Seeing Alex, Reggie and Luke, frozen in time, exactly where you left them that night at The Orpheum was something you can’t fathom. It all feels too weird, they were too real. It all feels like you’re wrapped in a dream that you cannot wake up from, one that started the day you buried your boys. While Julie had just told you to come back, to see them whenever you wished, that idea didn’t stay long in your thoughts. He isn’t the Luke you could love now, he is a 17 year old trapped in limbo. While you aged, he stayed the same, he is someone you uncomfortably recognize. You were supposed to grow old with him, but he was left behind. You don’t return to the garage, it hurts too much to see them like that again, so close to you. However, you watch their sets, you see them finally play The Orpheum like they had dreamed of 25 years ago and smile, your heart filled with pride.

They see you in the crowd but they don’t make any attempt to reach you. They understand, they know how overwhelming it must be to watch you supposedly dead friends speaking to you, playing shows, just existing. It took you a long time to process their death, but as weird and uncomfortable as it was to see them again in their 17 year old bodies, it gave you the sense of closure were never able to receive in the past 25 years. Knowing they weren’t in pain, watching them fulfill their dreams, it all mended your heart a little more every time you say them trending on YouTube or on the local news. All you needed was to watch them from afar, the ghost of them, to finally be able to heal.

a/n pt.2: this was a lot harder to write than i imagined. i’m so used to writing ~love stories~ and i can’t just have a 40 year old woman smooching a 17 year old ghost so i did the best i could sorry yall

#luke patterson imagine #luke jatp #luke patterson #jatp fanfic #jatp imagine #jatp netflix #julie and the phantoms imagine #julie molina #julie and the phantoms #alex mercer #reggie peters

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sapphirelycoris · 4 years ago

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𝐿𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝐿𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠

A/N: After posting “Now That You’re Gone” part 1 and 2, I came up with the idea of letters. This does take place during part 2. It has the same ending I just cut out some of the video parts and made it a lot shorter so you don’t have to re-read the whole thing.

This is the last “Now that you’re gone” post, I swear!

I suggest listening to “Almost is Never Enough (slowed)” originally by Ariana Grande and Nathan Skyes

Synopsis: Ushijima x fem!reader (she, her)

I made the MC write a few letters to Ushijima, only three though. One for her second and third year of high school and then one as she’s dying. I regret not having these letters in the original version but here are the last few notes to Ushijima.

Warnings: Mention of death and overall sadness. I hated putting him through this much pain and it hurt to write.

Three unopened letters sat on his table. He hadn't been strong enough to even consider opening them but maybe, because of how was currently feeling, they would make him in a better mood. Ushijima carried the envelopes over to his coffee table and returned to his original position, his head lying on the arm rest.

She had written him a handful of letters all throughout high school and even while lying in a hospital bed, she continued to put her feelings down on paper. She asked her parents to give them to him when she died, at least if she was dead, he couldn't reject her.

Dear Wakatoshi,

You're probably never going to receive this because I wrote these when I was bored. This is our second year of high school so maybe before we graduate, you or I will confess to one another. I am so going to burn this later. Maybe not. I can be like the girl in that one book who has multiple crushes throughout her life. I can't remember the name. Now I'm just writing down my internal thoughts. Sorry.

Love, (Name)

Seeing that this was written in high school, he didn't get his hopes up. Her affections probably changed as she grew older. He sighed heavily, laying down the piece of paper.

Dear Wakatoshi,

It's our last year of high school! On to college and responsibilities. Joy... taxes, marriage, all that good stuff. I don’t even know how to do taxes. Anyways, I’ve always loved watching your volleyball games. I can’t wait to go see you when you’re on a professional team, you can’t forget me. I stuck right by your side for a while so you got to mention my name at least once! I’m kind of running out of ideas for this… I promised myself last year that I’d write another one this year.

Love, (Name)

Ushijima bit the inside of his lip. He hesitated to read the last letter, it was probably filled with powerful words that described their relationship. His body froze, he was trying to process everything that she had written. Not yet. He wasn't ready for it.

The man stared at the picture he took with her at the beach with some friends. It had been a long time since he even dared to look at it. Her smile only made the pain in his chest grow deeper. He slowly reached out for his phone with a shaky hand. Number by number, he dialed her number and pressed it against his ear as the ringer went off. Ushijima knew that she wasn't picking up, but still had hope that it wouldn't go to voicemail.

"Hey, I'm currently unavailable right now, please leave a message!" Her voice was the only thing that he wanted to hear. That sweet sound that he took for granted. Even though his eyes watered, there wasn't enough for tears. Before the beep, he hung up and switched to his photo library. He desperately scrolled up, trying to find videos with her in them.

When the videos ran out, he gave in and ripped open her last letter. Instead of just one piece of paper, it was two. Ushijima noticed that her letters or written papers were a lot more poetic than the words she spoke. She used all of her vocabulary and wrote down extremely graceful lines. More so in college when she had papers to write. This was caused by all of the high reading level books she read as a child.

Dear Wakatoshi,

Lying here in a hospital bed isn't my ideal way of spending my last days. I'd much rather go to a beautiful place like the mountains, the beach, or the woods. Preferably, you'd accompany me but your volleyball schedule is so busy. Can you imagine? Watching the sun glisten on the waves during a beautiful sunset would've been the perfect way to go. Or perhaps, sitting by a blazing fire place at night and listening to the sound of nature. That'd be so romantic. I always thought romance movies were cheesy but I guess that's because they would never become a reality for me. I hope you never find this, I want you to move on with life. Not forget about me of course but I'd rather not have you be so focused on the past that you can't concentrate on the present. Whomever you should marry, I know that they'll be good to you. She'll go to all your games, support you through hard times, listen to your concerns, do all the things I wish I could have done.

If I walked down the aisle, would you have cried? If we had children, what would you and I have named them? I love the idea of a name that has something to do with flowers. I remember the first time you ever brought me flowers. Satori gave you the idea, didn't he? They were lovely while they lasted. When the petals started dying, I got sad. I hated having to throw them away but it's the thought that counts. Even though it was just a few of our friends and us on my birthday that year, it was a lovely dinner. You looked so handsome in a suit! Would you have worn a suit if we got married? I would have opted for a smaller wedding, surrounded by close friends and family. To take your last name would have been a dream come true.

Speaking of which, in the event that you do marry someone else, remember the promise you made to me? I was going to at least be the godmother of your kids. You better raise them to be good little children. They should be respectful to their parents and not be lazy. If you're up to it, maybe name one of them after me. Though I don't know how appreciative your wife would be. Be good to her, okay? I know you're a quiet person but try to understand her feelings. Don't let her walk all over you either! If she does, I'll come back from the grave to haunt her. Hopefully you have the good sense to marry someone good. Though, you are the same person who thought that the world was flat. I really hope that you don't think that anymore.

Remember that? You and I were in the library and we somehow started talking about that. Even though I used all the logic I could, I'm not sure you were convinced. You're like talking to a brick wall sometimes. I bet your mind revolves around volleyball 24/7, doesn't it? I wish I could've seen you play in the Olympics! I want you to have excellent rapport with your teammates. If you want to win, you gotta be on the same page.

During our last year in high school, I was planning to ask you out but then I realized, I'd only weigh you down. You're like a mighty eagle too wild to tame. If I kept you in a cage, you'd get restless and fly away sooner or later. I never wanted to risk the chance of losing you. You are far too precious for me to ruin. To tell you how I felt now would be too cruel. You're one in a million and nothing in this life or any other would make me give you up. You are priceless, worth more than any diamond or gem on this Earth. Don't ever forget that either. I guess it's because you don't do this often but when you smile and let kindness show through your eyes, everything seems alright. In that moment, the world is okay. Time stops and I am solely focused on you.

Something I don't have right now is time. But if I could rewind the clock, with the knowledge I know now, I would never have waited. I would have told you how much you meant to me everyday. I would have woken up next to you every morning. Ushijima, I love you. I truly do. No one else has my heart but you. You've always been the person I love, even in death my heart is yours.

Yours truly, (Name)

Ushijima's mouth formed a bitter smile, happy yet sorrowful. Tears rolled down the side of his face from the corners of his squinted eyes. He cupped his hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds of his sporadic breathing pattern. He violently hit the back of his head on the arm of the couch repeatedly.

His smile faltered with each gasp for air. The constricting feeling in his throat sent a numbing effect throughout his entire body. All of his emotions were confusing him, thoughts contradicted one another, and the room seemed to be spinning. Part of him wanted to calm down and regain his composure, but he also wanted to let everything out.

He just had to cave in and dig up old memories, didn't he?

#angst #ushijima angst #ushijma x reader #ushijima fic #hq ushijima #wakatoshi x y/n #ushijima scenarios #sad boi hours #haikyuu angst #haikyuu!!#ushijima headcanons #ushijima x you

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peggyrose19 · 4 years ago

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I wrote something!! This is part of the gay short story I’m writing for my best friend as a birthday present. And so I’m posting it because why the hell not, I’ve been told it’s good. These are my original characters, they’ve been in the works for a little over a year now, maybe this time I’ll actually finish the story. It was supposed to be done in February but, well..... you can all imagine how well that went lol. Anyway, meet Gwen and Amira!

Amira stood before the mirror hanging on her closet door, smoothing out the tulle in her skirt. It was a pale pink, with undertones of deep magenta and purple, seeming to shimmer even under the weak dorm lights. The dress was gorgeous, the purple accenting her dark skin perfectly. Evelyn had done her makeup earlier, carefully applying glitter to her eyelids and lips and cheekbones, dainty eyeliner to the corners of her eyes. She had done her own hair, curling it into ringlets and pinning half of it off her face with sparkly clips borrowed from Evelyn. Amira swore that girl had an endless supply of beauty products.

It was all perfect. The dress, the makeup, the hair, the shoes. But Amira couldn’t have felt farther from perfect in that moment.

Just then there was a soft knock on the door.

“Come in!” she called, not bothering to look away from the mirror.

“Hey,” a timid voice said and she whipped around.

“Gwen.”

“Wow.” Gwen’s eyes were wide. “You look… you look stunning.”

“Thanks.”

“Amira…”

Gwen stood there, helpless. Amira stared at her feet, noting the silver heels she was wearing, the turquoise skirt brushing her toes. It was gorgeous. Without looking, Amira knew it matched the color of the girl’s eyes.

"Amira, will you please look at me?" Gwen pleaded, taking a step forward. the other girl automatically stepped back. Gwen flinched.

"Gwen, I can't, okay?" she sighed, running an anxious hand through her hair before remembering the clips pinned in it. She lowered her hand.

Gwen had always been an open book to her, since the first day they met. One look into her sea green eyes and she could tell what she was feeling, what she was thinking. usually it was helpful. For someone who was so open, she was good at hiding. But this time, Amira wasn't sure she wanted to know what waited in those blue eyes.

She found herself looking up anyways, never able to stay away from her for long. Longing lay in her eyes, a sea Amira could always get lost in. Longing and regret and pain. A soft smile played at her lips as their eyes met, unclouded for the first time all week.

"Will you talk to me now?" Gwen asked.

Amira just nodded. There was no looking away now.

“Why did you walk out?” was the first question out of Gwen’s mouth. She sat on Amira’s bed, looking down at her hands.

"Because I didn't know what else to do," Amira answered honestly. She couldn't hide the truth anymore. "Because you said you loved me and I didn't know what to do with that. No one has ever loved me like that before. My parents... my parents do their best. But they focus on my brother. Not me. And they'll never approve of me liking girls. They don't get it. So I ran."

"You could have told me this two weeks ago." Gwen's tone wasn't accusing, if anything it was conversational. But Amira heard the pain behind it.

"I know," she replied quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Class has been torture without you."

"It's been impossible without you," Amira blurted out in a rush. She hadn't meant to admit that. But Gwen lit up.

"Has it?" All Amira could do was nod. Gwen bit the inside of her cheek, contemplating.

When she didn't say anything else, Amira asked softly, "Guinevere?" She looked up, blue eyes meeting brown. "I do love you. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." Gwen froze, eyes going wide. A small smile was spreading across Amira's face, lighting up her eyes the way Gwen loved. She couldn't fight her own smile.

"You do?"

Amira nodded. Smiled ruefully. Nodded again. "Since the day we met."

Between one moment and the next, Gwen had crossed the room, launching herself into Amira's arms and pressing their lips together, kissing her like it was the first time.

"I love you," Gwen laughed, arms wrapping around Amira. "I love you I love you I love you."

"And I love you," Amira responded, holding her tight. "More than you know.”

Amira thought of that first day they'd met, in the hallway outside their dorms, scared freshmen entering the world on their own at only fourteen years old. Their first conversation in her room, about the lesbian flag hung on her wall, and the light left on. She thought about loving Gwen from afar, from across the cafeteria and on the other side of the auditorium. She thought about loving her up close, side by side in class, sitting next to each other at lunch. She thought about their first fight, and their first kiss. The day she'd noticed blue eyes staring at her, and thought maybe I like this girl.

She thought about prom. The bus that was leaving in 20 minutes to take them, the dress she'd so carefully chosen with Gwen by her side. The thoughts that had consumed her mind of Gwen dancing with her and holding her hand, sliding the pins out of her hair when they got back and crawling into bed beside her. Of falling asleep together, sharing her single bed and telling stories late into the night, what they dreamed, what they feared.

She thought of what love felt like. What Guinevere's love felt like. She imagined it was the best feeling in the world. And dimly wondered how she hadn't realized it sooner.

#my ocs #gwen and amira #look it's not a fic!#idk what else to tag this

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whitemagnolia1 · 4 years ago

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Delena Fic Rec:

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever posted here lol.

Forever Mine: The night Damon Salvatore met Elena Gilbert changed the course of their destinies forever. But just as the future made itself known, the past caught up with them to destroy it all. Together on the run, Damon finds himself falling for this girl. Hard. But, Damon Salvatore doesn't love and he won't let her change that. No matter how much his soul...his body begs him to give in.

A Woman’s Worth: AH/AU–Love hurts. This story takes on a literal meaning when Elena is a victim of abuse by her boyfriend. A journey of the silent sufferings of a girl with no one to turn to and unwilling to ask for help. Enters Damon, a social worker determined to rescue a damsel in distress and falling for her along the way. What is he willing to sacrifice in the end to save a girl he loves?

Tomorrow: Will you be there beside me if the world falls apart? And will all of our moments remain in your heart? Will you be there to guide me all the way through? I wonder will you walk by my side and follow my dreams? With the Nazi reign of terror at its zenith, Damon and Elena form an unlikely friendship in WW2 era Czechoslovakia.

Where the Fireflies Dance: Elena just wants to forget. She moved away for college, and is trying to make a life for herself, when her roommate invites her to her family's ranch for a summer that could change Elena's life. Damon Salvatore is a flirt. But the only girl he's ever really loved is the daughter he's fighting for custody of. Then his sister brings home a friend for summer and everything changes.

Addictions: When Elenas' life has been consumed by addictions, can anyone save her?- OOC,AU. *WARNING* Story contains strong language, substance abuse, graphic smut/lemons. For mature audiences only. Consider yourself warned.

Breaking Point: Elena wants to learn to fight compulsion. Damon's all-too willing to help, but will either of them be able to deal with the consequences?

Crying Lightening: "I should have helped her. I should have done something. I deserve this. I deserve to die" - Damon is an 18 year old troubled lost soul with a bad reputation and Elena a 17 year old popular high school student who thought she had everything she ever wanted, that is until she got to know the eldest Salvatore and realizes that life is about more than being crowned Prom Queen! AU R&R

Casually Cruel: AU/AH/ 'You're different, not the guy I used to know' -Maybe you never really knew me- 'Yes I did'. She knew the depths of his soul, loved and accepted every part of him. Now he's lost and he doesn't think she can find him and she's not sure she wants to.

Someone Like You: You fall in love, get married, fall in love again, get your heart broken. What if it got broken by a heart surgeon that never came back to fix it? Damon/ Elena - AU/AH

Echoes of the past: Each of us has a past that shapes and defines us. Some pasts are filled with pain and heartache. Can Damon and Elena overcome their pasts to allow themselves a chance at happiness? Or will things from their past resurface to destroy their future? AU/AH Complete!

Forbidden Fruit: Damon is friends with Grayson Gilbert. When he meets his daughter Elena, sparks fly. Considering the age difference and the fact that she is his friend's daughter, he tries to fight the pull every step of the way. Will he succeed in keeping her at bay?

Held Captive: My favorite one shot I wrote last year, Re Published into a mini short story. Damon, a notorious War Lord captured the lovely, innocent Elena as part of his war games but things are not as simple as he'd thought. Set in medieval times.

I’d Kill Us Both: AU/AH For years, Elena has been married to Stefan, but in love with his older brother, Damon, who left for the Marines shortly after the wedding. But now he's back, and not hiding his feelings. Will they finally have the chance to be together? And what if someone from Damon's military past followed him back home, putting them all in danger? Is love worth the risk?

Hopeless: AU. AH. Elena has found that she likes her older sister Katherine's best friend Damon a lot more than she should. Little does she know he likes her more than he should too. Through the years things start to change between them, but if anyone found out they'd be in big trouble.

A Gentleman’s Agreement: Possible S4 idea. VampElena has shut herself away from most of her friends, and the Salvatore brothers are at a loss over what to do. She is in for seduction and romance she never saw coming, but sooner or later a choice must be made. COMPLETED.

How Never Became Forever: Elena's established rules and guidelines for her relationships. She knows how to stay emotionally detached and when to cut the cord. But then she meets Damon, who could potentially change everything. AU. AH.

Kiss Me, Break My Heart: Elena Gilbert has been in love with her best friend Damon Salvatore for years, but when he asks her to help him win back the woman of his dreams, Elena decides she's had enough. Now Elena wants to move on, but Damon's not making it easy on her. AU/AH

Pretend You Love Me: While their marriage is falling apart, Damon and Elena must learn to get past their demons or lose each other forever. AH/AU. Officially issuing an angst warning.

Auto In: AU/AH /Life is wonderfully uncomplicated for Damon Salvatore. Take accident claims as a call center rep by day, charm his way into a new bed each night. Go to work, drink with friends, sex. Simple and straightforward and fun. Until a coworker, Elena Gilbert, makes him question whether some things are worth changing for. But is he the only one who needs to let go of a previous life?

Locked In a Loveless Marriage: When Elena asks Damon Salvatore for a loan, he agrees on the condition that she marries him. What happens when she finds herself falling in love with a man who has told her he will never love her? AU. All human.

A Hymn For The Broken: AU Elena is a novelty. The only female werewolf to ever exist. She tries to stray away from the past, that turned her into a monster, but a string of grisly murders threaten, and she is called back home. Once reconnected with the Pack, and an old flame, Elena finds herself torn between two worlds. The normal life she'd made for herself, and the call of the wolf inside.

Physical Attraction, Chemical Reaction: It all started with a night of hot sex. Where things could go from there to Elena and Damon? Could they fall for each other although they don't believe in love anymore? AU/AH

Never Break the Rules: Handsome and tough, he had always done what needed to be done. He was supposed to be her knight in shining armour. He just never expected to be the one who needed to be saved… Ignoring swarming butterflies. Brushing off skipped heartbeats. Settling on lingering stares. Rules were never meant to be broken. What if there was a love that could break all the rules?

Love Lessons: New to Mystic Falls High, Damon Salvatore is both excited and horrified to find he is falling in love with his student, Elena Gilbert. But what happens when they overstep the boundaries, and their friends and enemies discover their illicit secret?

Death is Just a Feeling: "This life will be good and beautiful but not without heartbreak. In death comes peace, but pain is the cost of living. Like love, it's how we know we're alive." – Elena Gilbert ***HAPPY BIRTHDAY Short on words***

The End of Paralysis: Enter Elena Gilbert, 24, hardworking, lovely, and insatiably in love with her long time best friend, Damon Salvatore. Can she make him see that they belong together? Delena. AH/AU.

Lucky 13: AU/AH: Mistaken for a glamorous, selfish woman named Katherine Salvatore, the badly injured Elena finds that plastic surgery has given her Katherine's face, the famos Damon Salatore for a husband and a powerful dynasty for in-laws.

It’s A Boy Girl Thing: Based off the movie with the same name, an ancient curse is awakened and cast upon Elena and Damon. The results cause them to switch bodies, waking the next day in the body of not only the opposite sex, but the last person they ever wanted to switch bodies with. A hilarious battle of the sexes ensues, but eventually they wonder if they'll ever get their own body back. ALL HUMAN D/E

Somebody I Used To Know: Grieving the sudden death of their parents, Damon and Elena are forced to face their past choices and mistakes. Take a wild a journey through 20 years of their lives...together, apart and everything in between.

Sweet and Sexy Mistakes: An expert on the dynamics between men and women, Damon Salvatore knows his uptight new publicist could use his help getting a date. The only problem is, the more time he spends with her, the more he realizes he doesn't want her dating anyone but him!

To Save A Sinner: AU/AH: Damon Salvatore, the new star swimmer and transfer student at MFU, befriends the dark and mysterious Elena Gilbert, a girl the rest of Mystic Falls considers crazy. When he discovers the deep, haunting secrets she keeps from the world, can he handle the truth or will it cost him his heart and even possibly, his sanity?

Through The Ghost: Damon, a carefree soldier & Elena, a no-nonsense physical therapist at an Army base met under ordinary circumstances. Stuck between attraction and resistance, they struggled to define their relationship until fate made the decision for them. 4 years later a heartbroken Elena battles to make good on a promise when she discovers nothing but the shell of the only man she's ever loved.

Maybe Less, Maybe a Little More: Vampire Damon and Human Elena meet in a snowstorm. He wants to kill her and she is instantly attracted to him. What will happen over the next ten years? Fic for the A2A x-mas exchange. Non-canon, Oneshot, Delena endgame, rated M for sexual content and some gore. ENJOY THE DRAMA MYLOVES! :D

Do You Believe In Angels: "Damon?" She asked. He looked at her, waiting. She took a shaky breath, "Do you believe in angels?" "No," he said, "Not anymore." . . AH/AU: Two children with tragic pasts meet at a refuge. Hurt and alone, they clinge to each other to survive. This is their story, and everyone involved along the way.

Alcohol: Damon's drunk and she looks like Katherine. Elena's drunk and he smells like Stefan.

Memory Serves: Elena accidentally asks for her soul mate. What happens when magic delivers 1864 Human Damon? How will the Vampire Salvatore brothers deal? Vampire Damon is tortured by intimate memories of Elena. He feels so close yet far away from her. AU1x14 - COMPLETE -

Desperate Love: A whole different version of Season 4, without sire bonds or dead brothers. A meditation on the nature of love, free will and morality in an imperfect world, through: suspense, romance, steam, angst, and friendship. Tons of Delena as well as Stefan/Caroline/Klaus, Jeremy and Ric, too. Lemons!

The Valentine’s Day Corruption of Damon Salvatore: This is my fic in response to the prompt by Ciara 2531 for the A2A Valentine Exchange on Live Journal. As always, it's rated M for a reason...

The Best Man: Damon and Elena meet at a wedding, which ends hotter than anyone would have thought.

Insanity Is Beautiful: They called him crazy, insane even. People feared him and avoided him at any cost, even in the asylum. So what is Dr. Elena Gilbert supposed to do when she not only takes this insane monster as a patient, but falls in love with him, and him with her? (this one is only this low on the list because it’s incomplete)

#damon and elena #fic rec #fanfic #fanfiction #delena fanfiction

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dxmichelle · 3 years ago

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Writing Tag Game

I was tagged by my dear lovely @kaibacorpintern!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 16!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 741,948! The majority of that is from Of Lost Swords and Shadow Magic.

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Of Lost Swords and Shadow Magic: the ygo/hp crossover origin fic for my Wayward Wizardry series.

Murder Most Foul: the ygo murder mystery game fic. The silliest bit of writing I've probably ever done, spawned by late night joke sessions with @kaibacorpintern.

The Hogwarts Slice of Life: little random one-shots that fit in OLSSM's universe.

Nerdshipping Shenanigans: little random one-shots/mini-ficlets that fit in OLSSM's universe, but are all Seto/Hermione, my otp. ❤️

Lost and Found: my abandoned Person of Interest fic.

Bonus #6: Maiden with Eyes of Blue: a Seto Kaiba birthday fic that explores the tense relationship between himself and Pegasus.

4. Do you respond to comments, why or why not? I've since fallen off replying to comments, which is sad because I was fairly decent at it. I still do occasionally and I'm sure I will pick it up again someday.

In the meantime, whether I respond to them or not, know that I read and cherish every one of them.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? Oh...probably Guilt. It takes place right after Atem leaves and Yugi has many feelings.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? Probably Let it Snow, the ultra-sugary Christmas Fic I wrote on a whim during an OLSSM hiatus.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written? I live in the ygo/hp crossover corner of the fandoms. But the craziest one I've ever written has to be Sapphire Road, because it's not only ygo/hp, but a Wizard of Oz/Return to Oz fusion. And it's Nerdship.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic? Not necessarily hate but I have gotten some rather...interesting comments over on FF.net. There's one guest user that keeps trying to predict when I'm going to kill off Seto, and another that kept wanting me to write nonsensical ships into OLSSM.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind? Hard no.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of. Hopefully not!

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I've co-authored jokes for a fic! Does that count?

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship? My Nerdship babies!! Seto and Hermione take up a nice roomy residence in my brain 24/7, and since I've essentially created said ship, it's a lot of fun to explore how it comes together and what the future for them would look like beyond each of their canon series.

Otherwise, I am more of a platonic shipper vs romantic in the yugioh fandom, and I have soft spots for both pride, rival, trust and peach ship!

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? I really don't want to have any unfinished fic, but i know in my heart that my Person of Interest fic will never be finished.

I've also been out of sorts with Ghost in the Machine as of late, and while it's on a temporary hiatus right now so I can work on OLSSM and Murder Most Foul, I'm sure I will return to it sooner rather than later.

15. What are your writing strengths? Plotting and characterization. While I am not-so-good at sticking to my outlines, most of my fics are elaborately plot-heavy, and it is very important to me that the characters sound and act as you would normally expect them to.

Another strength is just...going. If I'm sitting down to write and the words are flowing, I can get a ton down on the page in one sitting, and it's helped break me out of funks before.

16. What are your writing weaknesses? Sticking to outlines, haha! But mostly being more of a descriptive writer. Sometimes I can tend to be very dialogue heavy, and while that's not terribly a bad thing, being more prose-y is something I am trying to work on.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I've never done it myself, but wouldn't be against it.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? ygo/hp. Surprise, surprise. Back in 2005! It was the junky, plotless version of OLSSM, and the true, original Nerdship story. It's still online in the depths of FF.net if you choose to seek out terrible writing, and follows almost every rule in the "you know you were on FF.net in 2009 if you did this..." post.

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? How dare you make me play favorites among my children! Probably OLSSM only because it's such a journey for me to take something that was absolutely terrible and completely redo it! It was my first child returning to the YGO fandom after years apart and has been such a labor of love to develop. And it's the longest story I've ever tackled, and my first real attempt at ship writing. :D

And cuz I love me my crossover fics.

But Murder Most Foul is a close runner up only because unlike everything else I've written, it is not a serious fic. It's meant to be silly, and that in itself creates a new challenge to keep it lighthearted, but keep the characters intact.

Tagging @bellamy-taft, @darksidechick823, and @lafeae!

#michelle replies #ask meme #tag meme technically but whatever #fic writing is hard #thanks for the tag!!!

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 4 years ago

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24. The Waiting Room

Word Count: 6043

Hazel had several things to keep her occupied in the waiting room. Grace usually kept a lot on hand, as she herself could get pretty restless at times, but right now as Hazel did everything from color with her Tuba stuffy to listening to music on headphones, Grace was online on her phone trying to ease the minds of Loyal Apex members and Simon sympathizers.

They lamented as there was no word about him other than the video that showed him being brutally attacked, the APB was out on the suspects and people wondered what would happen/if he would die.

She made an announcement, “In order to try to offer a small portion of comfort to all of the people who care about Simon Laurent, what I can say is that he is currently in surgery and that I’ve contacted his father. We don’t know anything else yet, but whenever his father is here, I’ll let him decide what things should to be communicated to Simon’s fans. Please keep rumors and negativity to a minimum during these uncertain times for him and his loved ones, and simply send whatever positive thoughts and vibes in his direction.” It ignited a lot for her to be the person who made that statement. But, there was nobody else to do it.

There were a lot of people who were SO RELIEVED that Grace was there for him and felt like that meant he was safe.

There were some who were confused about why SHE of all people would be trusted enough to be in his private space at a time like this and they hoped she had grown and wasn’t using this to get her foot back in the door.

There were some disappointed in her for being pulled back into Simon’s toxicity and “glorifying struggle love” by supporting him after everything he’s done, wondering what type of example this was to young girls who idolized her?

There were a lot of encouraging messages though like, “I don’t know what you must be going through right now. Sending you good energy and hopes for Simon's situation,” and so on. She made sure to like and reblog all of the ones of that nature, and decided to at least pretend to ignore the other ones, no matter whose camp they came from.

Many separate posts were also made to show support, some saying that nobody could possibly know what Grace is thinking at this moment, since everyone reacts differently to trauma, and because of that shouldn’t be quick to judge her for being near or with Simon in his time of need. She didn’t respond to those, simply because she didn’t want to seem like she was making it about her. It wasn’t. Right now, the only thing she could think about was Simon.

It took Simon’s dad about six hours to arrive. He looked exhausted, as scary as the last time she saw him but much older. She couldn’t believe it had only been a few years because his pale blond hair had whitened and he looked more wrinkly… and like… he couldn’t be that much older than her own dad.

He talked to someone at the counter, then they took him someplace else. Grace stayed where she was. If he came in and noticed her, fine, but she wasn’t going to press him.

Eventually, he showed up and noticed her right away. He hadn’t expected to see a little brown, blond haired girl with her. He nervously approached and said, “They uh… got some blood from me. They did need some. He’s critical…” Hazel stopped playing and looked up at the new person. “Hello,” he said, politely.

She stared at him, collecting her things and moved closer to Grace. Grace wrapped an arm around her and said, “This is Hazel.” She wasn’t going to make her speak to him, though. Grace's parents did that to her when she was little, but it wasn’t something that she practiced as a parent. Hazel wasn’t comfortable and making her speak wasn’t going to make her more comfortable or build on her trust in Grace as support.

He sat on the other side of Grace. “Is she…?” Grace and Hazel stared at him, awaiting his question. He leaned closer to Grace to whisper and she tensed up at his closeness. “Simon’s?”

“WHAT?” Hazel called out. “GROSS!”

Now Grace said, “Hazel… A little loud.”

Hazel lowered her voice and said, “Simon’s Dad, she is 22. I am 10. What do you think your son was doing 10 years ago?”

“He wouldn’t know,” Grace mumbled, then gasped and looked at him, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to…” He looked sad. She didn't feel bad for him per se, but she didn't want to make matters worse at a time like this.

“I wouldn’t. Simon raised himself from the time he was 10, until 16, when he moved out of the house. I haven’t seen him since shortly after the last time I saw you…" he noticed Grace shiver at the mention of it, and considering the truce she requested before, he knew that it was probably a sore spot for her. He tried to think of anything that could possibly be said, but ultimately kept the subject on Simon. " I haven’t talked to him since his 18th birthday when I called to see if he wanted to have a vacation with me and his mom... He disconnected that phone line and never gave me another. Probably wouldn’t even want me here… I didn’t know that the two of you had… made up. Guess that makes sense. He was always crazy about you...”

“They didn’t make up. She’s just nice. And he wasn’t crazy about her. Just crazy.” Hazel said. Grace frowned, but only rubbed her arm in response. Hazel took a deep breath and rested her head on Grace to try to calm down. Grace tried to keep Simon talk to a minimum. It always infuriated Hazel that she couldn’t protect her against him. It didn't matter that she was too young or that they didn't know each other when Simon hurt Grace. She. Wanted. To. Protect.

“Well, your… Grace is much appreciated.” Hazel narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him, and she didn't even KNOW Grace's history with this man. “I lost one child a long time ago.” Hazel’s look softened and she sat up. “I didn’t handle it well. I didn’t look after Simon the way I should’ve. I thought that he didn’t really understand enough to be as affected as he was… Really, I lost two children, and I’m here to see if I can get one of them back, before it’s too late for him too.” Hazel’s face was soft and she dropped her things to get up and hug Mr. Laurent, who cried.

Grace didn’t want to be rude, but she gently separated them and pulled the 10 year old onto her lap. This man pulled a gun on her the last time she saw him. She wasn’t forgetting that shit, and she didn’t want him to, either. She certainly didn’t want her child bearing any of his emotional issues that HE caused himself. He didn’t LOSE two children. He lost one child, fucking turned his back on the other, and I became the only person in that boy’s life. Parents really felt entitled to do whatever shit that they wanted then expect you to just move on and forgive their asses. She couldn’t see Simon wanting this man here, either. But… that was the only family he had. Grace had felt that he deserved at least to potentially have a goodbye and give an apology to him.

Paying for his travel and getting a temp family bnb wasn’t that much for her, considering that Simon honestly might not make it out of this. She and Hazel were along for the ride because they both knew that she wasn’t leaving her with a sitter or something and Hazel had definitely become curious about this infamous Simon (who she mostly learned about by sneaking onto the Internet) and wasn’t going to say so, but probably lowkey wouldn’t mind him dying.

According to the Internet, he did some terrible things to her mom. She knew some of them, only the watered down and generic stuff that Grace told her in kid language. “We drifted apart, didn’t see eye to eye, hurt each other…” Those were not the kind of stuff she read that he really did to Grace. Hazel then wrote “We HATE Simon” on several of her possessions, and she was pretty firm in that stance. But… maybe this Simon’s dad dude wasn’t so bad, she was thinking.

Grace was thinking the opposite. Simon’s dad was just as responsible for what was up with Simon as Simon was, to her. Had Simon’s dad cared this much whenever Simon’s life wasn’t in jeopardy, maybe Simon would never BE here. Maybe Simon would have been the sweet boy that showed up for her recital after her telling him about it one night. The boy who learned the bus routes to be able to see her whenever he could. The one whose gray eyes she thought she was still looking into whenever she whimpered “I love you” in his arms… She angrily wiped away a tear and Hazel suggested, “Maybe we should go now, since he’s made it here.”

Grace realized that she was crying and strummed Hazel’s hair. “Yeah. I’m sure Mr. Laurent will call us if he needs something. We should get settled in for the night. I can bring your stuff to the bnb for you.”

He shook his head, “It’s in the rental car.” She simply nodded as she started picking up Hazel’s things. “Grace… Thank you.” She had a lot of things she thought to say.

Don’t thank me. This was so fucking stupid of me. Thank you? No, fuck you. You’re the reason he had no self control! I was too young to be trying to fill in YOUR space, your HOLE in his life, in his very formation! How dare you thank me! Thank me for what? For trying to look after him when we were a month apart in age? For lending him all of my resources, my family and my HEART - only to have him never be able to appreciate any of it, because why would he? Who taught him to appreciate? Who taught him to love? Not the man that ditched him with a horribly inept mother who had already dropped the ball and a kid DIED in the process! He RAISED HIMSELF, from the time he was 10!!! You. Fucking. Degenerate!

“No problem,” she said softly. “Simon was my best friend, once. Times like these, you try to forget the ugly parts and just do your best with what’s left.” More of her peacekeeper mumbo jumbo. It never felt so fake to say things like that before,

Once at the bnb, she and Hazel got washed up and dressed for the evening. Her parents came in about an hour afterwards, both irritated that she hadn’t told them sooner, but concerned about her and about Hazel. Hazel was asleep and Mr. Laurent hadn’t come to the bnb, so Grace headed back to the hospital. She saw him, staring straight ahead, looking wan and miserable. She took a deep breath and moved forward. “You never came to the place. I purposefully found a big spot to accommodate all of us. My parents are there with Hazel. You should go get washed up and eat, at least. Nothing you can do from this waiting room. I’ll sit here in case anything happens and call you when and if it does.”

“I don’t think I’m capable of driving at the moment. I’ll just stay.”

Grace frowned and sat beside him. “Why didn’t you stay back then?” Hazel wasn’t here now, she could be real. “Simon needed you so much. You just ignored him. You left him with a woman that you had to have known hated him. Simon went all over the world with my family, and nobody ever called in to check on him or spoke with my parents for more than two minutes to approve that he could come along… but tonight… you can’t even get up to go take a piss? Now, when he doesn’t need you, you’re here and won’t leave? What about when he was 10, being bullied and beaten up and ran into a school auditorium to escape it for a few minutes? Why weren’t you willing to be there for him, then?”

Tears were pouring down the man’s face. Aside from that, there was no reaction there. Simon cried in a similar way. That 'suffering in silence' that broke her heart every time. It wasn’t breaking her heart to see it from the older Laurent. “That’s not a rhetorical question. Where the fuck were you when Simon needed you, instead of me? Where were you when he was latching on to me and building this tether between us that even right now when I should be thinking about anything else, everything else, I’m here, for him, to see that he’s okay? Because I don’t know how to detach myself from everything we went through together, despite every fucking thing he’s done to me! Where the fuck were you?!?”

“I was broken. My family was broken. None of us were dealing with anything very well. I thought of all of us, Simon handled it the best. He cried a lot the first few days, but after that, he’d just read and write and do school and art stuff. It was like he had gotten over it. I didn’t want to put the grief back onto him. I tried to stay away from him, and it just became a bigger space over time and then, there was nothing between us.”

“Look. None of that explains to me why you weren’t the adult and didn't look after a kid who went through the most traumatic thing that he’s ever gone through. You were supposed to see him through it. Not… presume he’s okay because he wasn’t crying. You were supposed to make sure that he felt loved and supported. You were supposed to be willing to sacrifice for him. You didn’t and now you feel guilty. I get it.”

“You feel guilty too?”

“No. I don’t. I never did anything to hurt Simon, but he did everything to hurt me. I don’t just leave people because they did something, or because I’m feeling broken or because they seem fine. I’m there for people that I care about. I said I get it. I have empathy for you. I can’t relate. Because, I would never treat anyone the way you treated Simon, especially not my child!”

“The garage… That wasn’t you, was it? It was Simon. He was jealous and angry and finally had enough…”

“I’m not going to sit here and fill in any blanks for you. What I can say about that is that I had no idea what you were talking about when you pulled a gun on a 16 year old girl because of some photos that got knocked down.” Her eyes were filled with fury, though her face was tired. "Then you hug my daughter and speak to her like you see her value, when you would have threatened her life just as casually given the right circumstances for somebody like you. I've been thinking that if you were there for Simon he'd have been better. Maybe none of you are worth shit. People who hurt and threaten kids, blame them for their problems. Scar them for life…" She sighed, “Please, just go get some rest. It’s my shift, now. Someone he at least trusted at some point.”

He got up and left. Probably couldn’t take more of her harsh words. She felt better having let them off of her chest though. Her father had wanted to hire some gangsters to beat him senseless. Whenever the man did get beaten up by a group of robbers, Grace had always wondered if her dad made good on that. She never asked, though the Laurents didn't live in the safest neighborhood, so it was feasible that it had been a coincidence. She brought him here to make sure that Simon wasn’t alone. That didn’t mean she had to hold all of these things back that she was finally brave enough to dare ask.

For several days, they took turns, waiting. Simon was in intensive care and non responsive. They were allowed to visit, one at a time and for short increments. Grace was at his bedside, furious with herself that she was there, but looking at him, seemingly resting peacefully, half of his head shaved for surgery, bruises, bandages… tattoos galore… She held his hand as she tried to see his tattoos, but the robe made it difficult. When her cycle was up, she wondered, “Hey… do you know what his tattoos are of?” to one of the staff.

“Are you Grace?” They asked. She figured for security/visiting purposes.

“Yeah.”

“They’re umm… about you.”

“What do you mean? Like there’s an image of me?”

“No. The images are weird, but the words are all about you. The front and back sides.”

She didn’t know what that meant, but her turn was up and Mr. Laurent was impatiently trying to get into the area.

That’s who was with him whenever he woke up, in the private room that he had been moved to whenever he became more stable. Everyone was at the hospital at that time. Grace’s parents brought Hazel as soon as they found out that Simon was awake. He had to be seen by the doctor first and foremost, before anyone else was able to enter, so they were waiting. Grace was pacing outside of the door whenever the doctor came out and Simon and she locked eyes whenever this happened. He looked extremely surprised to see her again and she looked relieved? He was so confused. Why was she relieved? Why was she even here? In fact… why the fuck was his dad here? He looked over at him after the door shut and asked. “Who got you here?”

His father pointed towards the door and said, “Your friend, Grace. She’s outside waiting to hear how you are.”

Simon’s heart sped up and he had to lie back for a moment. “That doesn’t make any sense. Last time I saw Grace, she told me to fuck off and get some help. I didn’t get help and I almost got myself killed. What, is she here to make sure that I died?”

“She’s very concerned. She’s been here everyday. She was the first one here, and sometimes the last one to leave. She flew me out here and let me stay in one of those rental homes with her and her family. Her parents were here so that her daughter wouldn’t be stuck in a waiting room for hours and hours.”

“Grace and her family have been here?” Simon asked, disgusted, mostly with himself. He had betrayed all of them and their reasons for being there didn't matter. He needed someone… and Grace and her family were there.. He turned to look out of the window and sighed. “She made her kid come, just to see about me?”

“Hazel. She’s a really sweet girl. She drew me some cheer up cards…” Simon scoffed. “She reminds me of you.”

“Is that so?” Simon asked, yawning. Damn, that hurt. Doctor said he’d been stabbed 8 times, and that was after being hit with that board and kicked in the head, neck and ribs.

“She’s artistic and likes robots... has a thing for turtles... that’s not like you, but also, whenever I saw her, I thought that maybe she was-”

“Why am I alive?” Simon groaned.

“Whenever you were attacked, some of your internet friends wanted to raise blood for you. Grace was the only one who knew your blood type, so she let them know and they’d go to blood centers to donate in your name… Plus, she got me here, knowing we have the same blood type, and well… She’s just been… She’s been a real lifesaver. Literally. I wouldn’t have even known where you were and I certainly couldn’t have got here on my own. She’s a really special young lady… and I… Simon… The doctor told me about your tattoos.” Simon looked at his father for the first time since he first woke up. “The things you did to her…”

Simon grumbled as he pulled himself to sit up and look at his father, challengingly. “What about them, Dad?”

“Grace had some questions for me, some comments, some things to make me think and, I can’t help but feel like maybe if I had been better to you, a better father, that you wouldn’t have turned out to be…”

“To be what?” Simon asked, a slight smirk on his mouth, intense hatred in his eyes. “A monster? A criminal? An abuser? A heartless piece of shit?”

“To be in so much pain…” Mr. Laurent said. Simon’s smirk vanished. His father stood too close to his bed and looked too sad. Simon wasn’t sure what to do with that. “It was bad enough that you couldn’t work through what you did to Hope, but we didn’t even help you to work through how we were handling it. You needed us and we weren’t there for you. We let you fend for yourself and you got everything so wrong. We got everything wrong. We should have taken care of you. We should have kept loving you."

Simon flung his head back towards the window, a tear rolled onto his pillow. “Yeah, probably. But, it's done, now."

"We can always try again…"

Simon furrowed his eyebrows and cut off whatever suggestions his father had to ask, "Is Grace planning to come talk to me? If I have to face her, I'd like to be prepared."

"I think she will. She's been asking about the tattoos…"

"Well, send her in so that I can get it over with and she can take her kid and go back to her good life."

"I'll tell her…" Whenever his father left Simon tried to fix his hair and wipe his eyes. He had no idea what he must look like, but he knew it was bad…

Grace came into the room and smiled a small, cordial, obligatory smile. "Hey."

"He told me everything that you did. I'll pay you back for that."

She frowned and came closer. "I'm not pressed for money, Simon. How are you feeling?"

"Like I should be dead, but SOMEBODY got in the way," he teased.

"If dying was what you wanted to do, you should've told me," she said and shrugged her shoulders. He let out a one syllable laugh. Grace leaned on the bed and touched his hand. His fingers were trembling. "I still would’ve done the same thing, though.”

“Why did you?” Simon asked, staring at her.

She took a deep breath, “I don’t know.” They were silent for a moment. He stared out of the window, disappointed that it wasn’t a sign that she still cared… That it isn’t because she loves him… But, he knows that’s his fault. He had her love once and he destroyed that. “If I had to guess…” He turned to look at her again, hopeful. “I think it’s because no matter what you say and no matter what you did, I saw somebody that I thought I would know forever being harmed. I saw that nobody was doing anything useful to help. I didn’t know if you were going to make it and I wondered, if it were me… Would everybody just stand by and watch? Cry and complain over the Internet, while I died somewhere alone? Maybe that’s not terrifying for you, but dying alone sounds miserable to me, and I’m not the kind of person who could just want the worst for somebody I used to love, even though you hurt me.”

“Thank you.” It wasn’t something that he said a lot. She didn’t even know what he was thanking her for. Being there? Answering truthfully? “Are you going to leave, now?” The thought of her leaving made tears well up in his eyes. She knew that they were real so she knew that he didn’t want her to leave, but also… Wasn’t her business here done? He didn’t die alone, and she had a life to get back to. This might do nothing for his fear of abandonment, though.

“I might be able to stay a little while longer. Let me just check on Hazel.”

“The doctor said that 3 people can come in at a time, if you want to bring her in?”

“Ohhh… Well… She’s 10 and knows how to use the Internet, so… she knows things about you… and me…”

“Yikes. Sounds like there’s justice on the menu for me today. Bring her in.”

He was ill and weak, so Grace figured that this was the best time for him to see Hazel, if ever. He wasn’t going to have one of his tantrums in his condition, and Hazel actually was quite interested in knowing him after having learned more about his childhood from pestering Mr. Laurent every minute that he was around. The man said he didn’t mind, He liked talking about his children and he hadn’t been around kids in a long time.

“Hazel, I know that you and Mr. Laurent are having a lot of fun, but do you wanna meet my friend, Simon?”

“You’re friends again?” Hazel asked. Grace stammered, but Hazel cut her off, “Nevermind. Yes. I have something for him.” She reached into her Tuba tote bag as she walked past Grace into the room. Simon offered a smile to her. It was kind and warm. Grace noted that he looked almost innocent. His gray eyes even twinkled a bit. “Mr. Laurent, I’m Hazel Monroe. I’m meeting you.” She extended her hand to shake his. Simon shook her hand, not missing the fact that she didn't say "nice to meet you" or something friendly, then she handed over what she had removed from her bag. It was a copy of the first Book of Esmoroth. “I’ve made notes everywhere that I thought you went wrong.”

He opened the book and froze at the amount of various colored post its and notes in the margins. The book was filled with them and almost looked like a scrapbook with the bulkiness of it all. “That’s a lot of notes.”

“There was a lot wrong with it,” she quickly replied, matter of factly.

He laughed so hard that he hurt himself. Grace collected Hazel into a hug, worried, because Simon never laughed at criticism. Even her own would make him at least sulk. He was holding himself and trying to catch his breath.

Hazel added, “Overall, I enjoyed the book very much when I was 6… was your target audience 6 year olds?” He shook his head and wiped his eyes. “I didn’t think so. It’s still okay at my age, I guess. But, you’ll really have to step it up if you plan on being a good author someday.”

“I’ll keep these things in mind if they ever let me publish the other two.”

Hazel gasped and climbed onto his bed, “There’s two more?” She asked. “Does one center around the Idol Princess? Because, I know she’s supposed to be bad, but I actually really love her.”

Simon looked nervous about that. “Uh… yeah… Book 2 is all about her… but she isn’t in Book 3.”

Hazel gasped, “Did you kill her?” He nodded. She shook her head and climbed off of the bed. “You are a worse person than I thought.” She was ready to storm out of the room.

“I’m thinking of a rewrite!” Simon said, suddenly extremely interested in not disappointing her. She paused. “One where the Idol Princess has a power that no one could have expected inside of her. She rises from death and rebuilds herself as a True Queen…”

“Will she get to be a hero?”

Simon wiped his eye again, the tear provoked by a different emotion, this time. “She always was.”

“The Future King just didn’t know it. See…” Hazel turned around and returned to the bed, pointing at the book, “That’s in my notes. The Future King has a TERRIBLE habit of thinking things that just don’t make sense! I even wondered if the Idol Princess really WAS a bad person, or if that was just how he saw her, or just bad writing on YOUR part, because we couldn’t tell what was his mind or the narrator’s. Because she did a lot of nice things, but then again, a lot of those were for selfish reasons, so…”

“Hazel, why don’t you gather up your stuff, so we can let Simon get some rest?” Grace asked.

“She’s no bother. I’ve been unconscious long enough and I honestly never meet anybody passionate enough about my book for this type of dialogue.”

“It’s bothering me,” Grace admitted.

Hazel said, “Sorry…”

“Not you, Hazel. Just… this story. I don’t think I like it.”

Hazel gasped and she covered her neck with both hands, her sleeves fell and Simon noticed that she was wearing his charm bracelet. He felt… a lot of pain. Not the injury kind, but... he thought that was likely in the trash and not only was it not, but the most important person in Grace’s world had it now. Hazel asked, “Are you the Idol Princess?”

“I think I am,” Grace said, glaring at Simon.

“I was different, then. When the story started, we were 12. By the time I finished it… we were 16… I edited it and probably made her a little more deviant than was fair."

Hazel smiled at Grace, "I still liked her. Maybe I could see she was like you. Some problems, but really a good person." Grace smiled back.

"Please… I won't talk about it. Can you stay? Just a little longer? I…" Simon looked at his fingernails, which were grown out a little longer than his manicurist generally trimmed them to. "I just don't want to be alone… and you're the only person I…" he wanted to say "know," but he really didn't know this Grace, if he even had ever known Grace at all. Grace lifted his chin with her hand to make him look at her. "You're the only person that's ever known me." He finally said, his gray eyes pleading for her not to leave him.

Hazel's eyes clouded over, "You've gotta stay, now. Look at him. Look at how sad this boy is…" Grace sighed. "I'll keep Mr. Laurent company until GlamMother and Grandest get back. You make him less sad. You can do it." Grace propped the door open, just out of paranoia. Hazel said Mr. Laurent was "her friend," but Grace still didn't like or trust him and her parents seemed to have wandered off or left.

"I can stay a little while longer," she firmly declared. Simon sighed with relief… and pain. He was in a lot of pain, but he managed a smile. "Soooo… the tattoos…" The smile was plastered on his face, but he turned red at the mention of this. "I heard there's an apology for me in there somewhere."

He groaned to shift, despite her disapproval and attempts to stop him, and he managed to get the robe off of himself. There was something like a story book page there. She was shocked, to say the least. Tiny green script, interrupted here and there by an image - her hope chest, her silhouette, a crying brown eye, a shadowy monster… the words - apologies for everything he had ever done to hurt her, etched in ink on his skin..

"Official confession on my back, but I can't move enough to show you, or I'll definitely reinjure myself."

"Please don't!" She traced her finger over the words as she read them in full. Then, she didn't know WHAT to think. She just started crying. He reflexively reached for her and soon, they were both crying and holding on to each other. It was painful. He was physically in agony, but at the moment, holding Grace mattered more. He'd missed her and he was… just so sorry…

"I know that you'll probably never forgive me. I didn't even think we'd ever speak again. I just wanted to make sure that when I died, I'd have done that one good thing for you…"

“You’ve done plenty of good things Simon. And you haven’t died yet, so you’ve got time to do plenty more.”

“I’m gonna start by clearing your name and accepting my fate. You deserve that much, and that kid deserves for her mom to have a clean slate. She seems really cool. I can see why you fell in love with her.”

Grace didn’t know how to take what Simon was saying. He had said things before and didn’t mean them. Time could only tell if he was being serious or delirious from an extreme pain and highly medicated state. "I was interacting with your fans while you were down, and they might have a literal earth shattering crisis if you say this right now. There's no way they'll believe that I didn't come in here to manipulate and gaslight you into saying it…" He let go of her and frowned. "I'm only partially joking. Say whatever you think you need to. Far be it from me to stop my name from being cleared."

"The fact that I took it so far…" he shook his head, "I have to be just as passionate, if not more for clearing your name as I was in soiling it. I have to be a zealot."

"Wanna start with a hospital selfie?" She asked, pulling out her phone. He couldn't help but smile. It felt like… old times.. not exactly, because he was ripe with injury and riddled with guilt. But next to him was the prettiest girl in the world… and she seemed fine with being there. She tried taking a few then handed it to him because even injured, he probably could take a better one. The one that he liked the best was one where they both weren’t smiling too big, just settled, comfortable, if only for one moment, and seemingly content.

Simon borrowed her phone to both reactivate his social media sites, link everything possible, and to make an announcement of official apology, confession, and gratitude for Grace. With a very minimal update about his current condition. "That's a start, I guess." He said, logging out to give her back her phone.

As Grace figured, there were a lot of people who were suspicious that she had somehow harmed him or coerced the words out of him, but as she slipped back into her life in New York with Hazel and out of Simon's life in recovery at his dad's place, she felt new air in her lungs and a new leaf being turned over. Speaking of, she took the one out of Hazel's hair.. "Hey! What's the deal?"

She snatched one from a bush outside of the hospital and replaced it. Putting the old one into her wallet. "Simon finally told everyone the truth about me. I know that I've said it didn't matter, and honestly, to a certain extent, it didn't… but I like my name being associated with what I've chosen to associate it with."

"Do you think it means that he's changed?"

Grace tilted her head, "I think that it means that he's at least trying to."

"He didn't seem like that bad of a person. Just sad. Really, really sad. Maybe changing can make him a happier person."

"Maybe." That wasn't Grace's concern anymore, and she felt better than she could ever remember feeling with that certainty. Simon and I have settled everything now. Nothing hangs over my head.

#If They Didn't Get on the Train #AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics

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