#writing out of pitfalls
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ejunkiet · 8 months ago
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ej's adventures in romance: the good, the bad, the ugly
i've had kindle unlimited for the few months, and have been on a deep deep dive into all the recs from the romance genre that i can get my grubby little paws on. I've read.... many, many books. so many.
I've made a rec list of my new fave authors in the genre before, and this is not that. I'm just gonna list what I've read, by tropes, with ratings, and you can read my full reviews on goodreads. I've gone there. there are quite a few of the booktok hits here, because they came up on rec lists, and I'm gonna give my honest opinions on them okay. my goodreads!
Before we get down and dirty, have my actual recs from the last month: Heather Guerre remains a diamond in the rough, although she can now be joined by a further two authors: Kathyrn Moon (smutty RH queen) and Zoey Draven, a surprise last minute entry that doesn't shy away from darker themes, but handles them maturely.
other recs are the obvious: Talia Hibbert, Katee Roberts, and our very own @dominimoonbeam (whose book Doors I've been reccing a LOT lately, as I love it so much, and the sequel will be out soon >:3)
Okay. lets do this. this gets long, be warned. >:3
the "grovel" trope
books where the MMC fucks up and tries to make up for their mistakes. a good read where you get a healthy dose of angst and then a lot of making up for it. can be a great cathartic read.
Cate C. Wells has a whole series dedicated to this, "the five packs", one of which I already recommended as a guilty pleasure: the lone wolf's rejected mate". Now look, these books are ridiculous, the worldstate is terrible, each pack is a dude fest that reeks of misogyny, but they're pretty fun. I've read book 1 and book 3. I want to stab the MMC of book 1 with a rusty spork. you can skip it.
the lone wolf's rejected mate however is a ride, with a broken MMC who rejects his soulmate because he thinks he's too broken (literally, his wolf tries to kill her), and then they get captured, save each other, and he builds her a treehouse, yada yada. mind the content warnings, but if you want to read something OTT that basically epitomises the craziness that is the PNR and "grovel" romance genre, read this, and hold onto your butts.
the paranormal romance genre: shifters, vampires and more
Heather Guerre's books. okay, so actual recs. She focuses on characters from working class backgrounds with a sprinkle of the paranormal thrown in, everyone is over the age of 25 (thank god, most are in their 30s), and she can really write. I won't tag Eeshley again, but the "Tooth and Claw" series was their rec and *chefs kiss*. this is still the self-published romance genre, so these books could use an editor/polish, but honestly, I'm a big fan of her writing, and have picked up all her books. (her contemporary romance is also excellent.)
post-apocalyptic trope
Claire Kent's books. Imagine Joel from the last of us as a book series. I've only read Last Light so far, which is the prequel to a longer series that explores life in america 5+ years after an asteroid collides with western europe, causing global environmental catastrophes. I'm not 100% sold on her world building, but this is a romance novel, and the way she writes the characters and their relationships are human and organic, and the most realistic I've come across so far. the world state is the walking dead, with evil biker gangs that rape and pillage. i'm assuming this is an american thing, but can't comment on what it'd be like in the UK considering we no longer exist, due to aforementioned asteroid collision. probably for the best.
omegaverse and reverse harem tropes
yeah, I thought omegaverse was just a fanfic thing too. it's not, and it is super prevalent in het romance. it was never really my thing in fanfic, and the fact it is not a shifter thing was very surprising to me, as knots/packs/heat/rut still exist, but it's just humans with animalistic traits. I kept on waiting for the motorcycle gang in 'baby and the late night howlers' to turn into wolves, and they never did.
So Kathryn Moon writes some delicious reverse harem books. I read the first of monsterfucker series 'a lady of rooksgrave manor' years ago, and liked it, although there wasn't enough plot for me to continue. she writes excellent smut. Seriously, just really, really good smut. BIG FAN. I've been making my way through her 'Sweetverse' series, which has more connections and actual relationships between the characters, and polymances, and I recommend starting with Lola + the millionaires, if you can handle a little omegaverse. mind the content warnings, this is a book about recovering from trauma, which happened in the first book (baby's book, although offscreen. Lola has a lot of flashbacks in italics.)
Otherwise, you can stick with the monsterfucker books! I bought her latest monster series off of regular kindle, instead of KU, and I'm really excited to read it hehehe
"mars need more women" and "fated mate" tropes
hehehe okay HERE WE GO. these books are all about women ending up on planets where due to some sort of cataclysmic event - disease, mostly - 80% of the female population of the planet has died. now as we're not here for angst, the arrival of these women are usually due to some other species abducting them, and they are then "rescued" or recovered after a crash on metaphorical mars, which needs a better sex ratio to ensure the survival of the species.
this trope is coupled with "fated mate" tropes, where basically the rescued/recovered women end up with a devoted alien husband, who yearns until he can win her over (we're all about consent here folks)
the ice planet barbarians series by ruby dixon. this is basically na'vi aliens that crashlanded on an ice planet 250 odd years ago, and have made it their home, living in tribal colonies. to survive in this planet's toxic atmosphere, they've taken in a native parasite called a 'khui' which helps their bodies adapt to the climate and atmosphere. the women in the books also receive the same parasite to survive (they're given the choice), and this is the basis of the "mate bonds" formed throughout the series.
now book 1 is a rocky start, and the weakest of the series. I nearly put it down because of the first 20 pages. you can skip the first 20 pages. it basically recounts the abduction of the women from their home planet, and mistreatment by their captors (tw for sexual assault of a side character, not explicit). the ship malfunctions, and the women "cargo" are dropped onto the ice planet, where they are found by the not-na'vi, who are called sa-khui, because of the parasite.
now the rest of the series is about adapting to life on an alien planet, understanding the culture of the sa-khui, and gaining a devoted alien hubby. look, I read four books in a week. they're fun, they're exciting, the smut is good, and it's an easy read. it's also written by an experienced and practiced author, as the topics are handled maturely, it doesn't take itself too seriously, and it has great representation.
(one of my favourite books in the series, book 7, is centred around Lilah, who was born deaf and had a cochlear implant that was surgically removed during the abduction. the book focuses on her struggling to adapt to life on the planet, aided by a sa-khui that rescues her and learns ASL to communicate, and it's an excellent read okay)
I'd say read book 1 (maybe skipping first 20 pages, or even to part 2) for context, read book 2 (my favourite of the series omg), and then pick and choose from there!! I've read 1,2,4,7, and I'm gonna end up coming back for more hehehe.
"choosing theo" is another in this genre, but it didn't quite vibe with me. it leans into the 'rescued human ends up on a planet that needs women for propagation', with a matriarchal society where the men go to husbandry school to learn how to please women, and all residents of the planet are required to participate in three month long marriages to try to find potential mates to propagate the species. the premise is a fun one, but the first book is not the strongest, and I didn't continue from there. (another rusty spork for the MMC...)
dothraki in space trope
we're at the end of my trope list! I liked the ice planet barbarian series a lot, and I'd kept on seeing the Horde Kings of Dakkar by Zoey Draven recommended, and they are good. (thank you woofs >:3) think dothraki from GoT in space; humans live in small, poorly maintained colonies on the Dakkar planet, where they aren't allowed to hunt or damage the earth. offenses are punishable by death. these books lean into the captive trope, and handle the issues of the worldstate and navigating cultural differences super well, with a heavy dose of consent and BAMF heroines that rise up to their situation and make a place for themselves in their new (objectively better) lives.
i'm on book two now, and I love the maturity in the characters and the writing (which I did not find in 'choosing theo'), and they're an excellent romp. fantastic rec, really glad I picked this up >:3
am I finally going to take a break from my reading binge now? I keep on saying I will, and then not doing that ahahahaha. my kindle library is still stuffed full, mainly with other books from my fave authors above, but also some nice space horror to round it off.
next on my list is gonna be either 'Haunt, Heart, Havoc', a horror romance that I've been meaning to read forever, or 'Dead silence', which is aliens meets titanic in space. >:3 if you read all of this, KUDOS TO YOU, have a lovely sunday ahahaha!
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thewhizzyhead · 27 days ago
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if I said eisa davis' influence in making lmm actually write something rather radically progressive has subsequently inspired me to return to my roots of actually fucking thinking of making radically progressive musicals after a 3-year long hiatus in doing so, then what-
#thdjdjd i dunno like gjdjd#look warriors did something fucking weird to my brain#it brought me back to when i first was obsessed with WATT when i was 16#and hamilton when i was 13#like it makes me wanna write again#and now with eisa davis proving that Radically Progressive Ideas In Art Can Fucking Work If You Have The Balls#im um#really thinking about going back WHAHAHA#might rework Patron the musical into a concept album idea of sorts#side a being life as a filipino student who learns the ins and outs of activism and ndmos here#side b being their counterpart who is a writer that struggles against being indocrinated by um neo-colonialist capitalist beliefs#all that comes with prolonged exposure to the bubble of privilege in the phililpines#(especially the role that the US capitalism plays in it hahahahaha we haven't forgotten about that)#basically not exactly a princess and the pauper situation but um just two people on different sides of the same coin#and its meant to be an exploration of my experiences in college#both in terms of my activism#and me being made to mind the line at times as a communication student and a writer#its like splitting myself into two and making them butt heads PFFT but yea#and I call it Patron because Side A (Filipino) is inspired from the concept of patron saints ('who dies for us? who do we die for?')#(pronounce side A as PAH-tron with a roll to that R)#and Side B is um what are the privileges and pitfalls of foreign patronage?#(yes this is inspired by um some filipinos being so enamored by socio-economic privilege upon stepping foot in amerca that they forget-#where they came from)#anyways thats ny tiny ramble for today im gonna get back to wofk#personal shit#voila the return of the izzy idea rambles
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aroaessidhe · 5 months ago
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2024 reads / storygraph
The Principle of Moments
start of a scifi space opera series
a teen girl in the far future where humans are oppressed learns she has a destiny & a lost sister and escapes
and a young time traveler who’s given up trying to find his father through time, and is about to settle in 1812 with the prince he loves, but is unwillingly thrust into the future
they both learn their fates are entangled by a prophecy, and have to race across the galaxy, followed by a galactic emperor and the legacy of heroes from an ancient religion
#The Principle of Moments#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#this started off pretty good - interesting characters and worldbuilding; easy to read#but it felt like a bit too much was going on and I kinda checked out from the last third and didn’t care anymore.#It felt very much like the plot was just happening to the characters and they didn’t have much effect on it all.#It’s very classic space opera chosen one story! it’s fun and ambitious! a lot of doctor who vibes -#but also like if you tried to fit the entirety of timelord lore into one or two episodes haha.#It also had a couple classic space opera pitfalls.. like how this evil alien race was described as looking evil (in various ways). hm.#I actually really loved the writing style of the excerpt snippets in the beginning and would have been keen for most of it to be like that.#but also probably with the book being shorter.#there’s humor thrown in there that was sometimes funny but also sometimes awkward.#The time travelers speak very modern (despite none of it being set in the present) which like - obviously anachronism is gonna be inherent#to time travelers but sometimes it felt awkward. or like.. the other characters didn’t comment on it?#There were a couple moments that felt like a tv script gag that just came across badly on the page#gay prince romance was cute but kinda was thrown in the deep end then it’s barely relevant for most of the story.#The whole london subplot felt unneccesary. The random romance subplot the girl gets felt out of nowhere.#anyway it's decent! just fell apart a bit and didn't live up to my expectations
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daydreamerdrew · 9 months ago
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The Avengers (1963) #38
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hockpock · 1 year ago
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Genshin is hurting me again
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e-louise-bates · 1 year ago
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Kinda funny how I actually enjoyed cataloging when I was working in a library, but now that I'm taking a class on cataloging my brain has started shutting down at the very mention of the word ...
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magicalgrimm · 1 year ago
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I’m just gonna write out my watch list here (what I’m watching and what I want to watch eventually), feel free to add any recommendations
Wander over yonder
Ok ko let’s be hero’s
Corporate tv show
Dofus and wakfu
Ducktales
Aachi and Ssipak
The venture bros
Hazbin hotel (might as well)
Everything related to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 
Transformers
Giant robo
My hero academia
The boys (big maybe)
Scissor seven
Tokyo goul
Kaiba
Inu-oh
Mao-mao: hero’s of pure heart
Ballmasterz 9009
Little demon
Utopia
I could go on and on, but I don’t wanna 
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sleepingfancies · 2 years ago
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the thing is i genuinely think we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t so obvious that Netflix loves to cancel shit after 2 seasons
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mekanikaltrifle · 1 year ago
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i know I'm still technically on Mage time but... urge to draw Andrea. Becoming present...
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dnangelic · 1 year ago
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what is the truth. schrodinger's normal abnormal boy
#i was going to write a meta but i deleted it all bc i got embarrassed and can't put woRDS TOGETHER IN A SMART/CLEAR WAY#RHGHHH#its in my brain though i swear#its just abt daisuke's juvenile sense of confusion#hes young. hes a lil lost! he goes along with his family's phantom thievery but he doesn't necessarily completely enjoy it#it's complicated. he truly genuinely from the bottom of his heart loves art. but he doesn't necessarily like the stealing aspect#and he'd never ever steal anything deeply precious to anyone. he refuses to hurt anyone's feelings#but also- he's a little out of touch with things too sometimes. he keeps convincing himself he's 'mostly' or 'sorta' or 'pretty much' norma#when hes NEARLY DIED PLENTY OF TIMES thanks to his training#nobody normal comes home to electric doorknobs pitfalls alligators rabid dogs and lasers#his whole family is literally a family of criminals! he has live artworks w bonkers powers in his basement!#his own weird pet rabbit can FLY AND TALK#ud think turning into dark he'd be like 'well this might as well just happen' but in a way dark rlly was the last straw for daisuke#and like. there's nothing normal about any of this oagbdkgfk ESP IN A MODERN AGE!!!#but daisuke a) is a little willfully ignorant of it and b) genuinely ignorant of anything outside of it. bc again. hes a kid!#he doesn't have a lot of friends! he's a loser!#satoshi bringing up the tamers' cycles too. dark and daiki both agreeing that even if things seem fine now#that in the future the niwa and hikari would fight again. the niwa would cause the hikari pain#over and over. daisuke can't stand it. everyone keeps trying to tell him that his life and future is fixed#but if it's not one he agrees with or wants for himself then he's going to reject it#and that goes double for people like satoshi who have to reject krad. their sorrow and pain#bc it doesn't actually produce any beneficial outcome. its just senseless#*・゚⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.
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afewproblems · 1 year ago
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hello first of all happy belated birthday and second i’ve been following you for so long and literally just now realized your url is “a few problems” my brain has been reading it as “AFW problems” wondering whatever that means, like what does AFW stand for? what are the problems there? haven’t been able to say but turns out my brain just skipped over the E
anyways, felt the need to let you know this, hope you’re having a wonderful day
Thank you so much for sending this! (And so sorry about the wait, this week has been crazy!)
I've had so many experiences of reading words or urls a certain way in my head only for someone to say it aloud or for it to appear slightly different when someone types it out and I have that moment where it clicks that I've been hearing/reading it in my head differently - I totally get it!! 😅
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hazmatmaid · 7 months ago
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honestly scared as hell sometimes of writing my ships because i often see people pointing at some opinions i tend to hold, and going "lmao you have an issue with that?? you're the cringe one, loser, just embrace it" like i'm not fucking trying to make them compelling in their own right.
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hanyjar · 11 months ago
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TYPING ALL OF EM DOWN ON MY LIL NOTES APP RN 🫵🫵 the secret history and the goldfinch has been marinating on my reading list for so longgg i’ll have to get them soon HAHHA 🫶🫶
LET ME KNOW IF U DO!! her writing simply hits different. also i know people say it time and time again but really the book for the goldfinch is heaps better than the movie 😭 i think the book is like?? 771 pages long??? (so ermmmm good luck if you decide to pick it up……) and ofc a #two-hour-long movie can’t cover it all, but the depth and intricacies of the characters are just not there in the live adaptation </33 definitely team book on this one.
thanks for chatting with me lovely 🥹🩷
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imastoryteller · 11 days ago
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Writing Angry Scenes: Tips to Avoid Melodrama and Make It Real
Anger can be one of the most intense, relatable emotions to read—and one of the trickiest to write. When handled well, an angry scene can pull readers deep into the emotional world of a character, building tension and driving the story forward. But when handled poorly, anger can easily slip into melodrama, making the character’s feelings seem overblown, forced, or even cringe-worthy.
So how can you avoid these pitfalls and write anger that feels real and compelling? Here are some tips to make angry scenes powerful without overdoing it.
1. Understand What Fuels Your Character’s Anger
To write anger authentically, you need to understand its roots. People get angry for complex reasons—fear, frustration, betrayal, grief, and even love. Ask yourself what’s truly driving your character’s anger. Are they afraid of losing control? Do they feel abandoned or misunderstood? Are they hurt by someone they trusted? Anger rarely exists in isolation, so dig into the deeper emotions fueling it.
When you understand the core reasons behind a character’s anger, you can weave those nuances into the scene, making the anger more relatable and layered. Readers will feel the depth of the character's rage, not just the surface heat of it.
2. Show, Don’t Tell—But Don’t Overdo It
“Show, don’t tell” is classic writing advice, but it’s especially crucial in angry scenes. Don’t rely on generic phrases like “She was furious” or “He clenched his fists in anger.” Instead, look for unique ways to convey how this specific character experiences anger. Maybe their voice drops to a deadly calm, or their eyes narrow in a way that makes everyone around them uncomfortable.
That said, showing too much can backfire, especially with exaggerated descriptions. Over-the-top body language, excessive shouting, or too many “flaring nostrils” can tip the scene into melodrama. Use body language and physical cues sparingly and mix them with subtler reactions for a more realistic portrayal.
3. Use Dialogue to Reveal Hidden Layers
People rarely say exactly what they feel, especially when they’re angry. Angry dialogue isn’t just about yelling or throwing out insults; it’s an opportunity to show the character’s deeper thoughts and vulnerabilities.
Consider using controlled, icy responses or unexpected silences. Maybe your character says something hurtful in a low voice rather than screaming. They might express sarcasm, avoidance, or even laugh at the wrong moment. Anger often carries hidden layers, and using these nuances can help your character’s dialogue feel genuine, even haunting, without falling into dramatic clichés.
4. Control the Pacing of the Scene
The pacing of an angry scene can be the difference between a powerful moment and a melodramatic one. In real life, anger doesn’t always erupt instantly; it can simmer, spike, or deflate depending on the situation and the character’s personality. Experiment with different pacing techniques to create tension.
You might build the anger slowly, with small signs that something’s brewing. Or maybe the character explodes suddenly, only to calm down just as quickly, leaving a chill in the air. Controlling the pace helps you control the reader’s emotional engagement, drawing them in without overwhelming them.
5. Avoid Clichéd Expressions and Overused Reactions
When writing anger, avoid falling back on clichés like “seeing red,” “boiling with rage,” or “blood boiling.” These phrases have been overused to the point that they lose their impact. Instead, get creative and think about how your character’s anger might feel specifically to them.
Maybe their skin feels prickly, or their jaw aches from clenching it. Think about details that are unique to the character and to the moment. By focusing on small, unique sensory details, you’ll help readers feel the anger rather than just reading about it.
6. Let the Setting Reflect the Emotion
The setting can be an effective tool to amplify a character’s anger without overstating it. Small details in the environment—such as the hum of a refrigerator, the slow ticking of a clock, or the distant sounds of laughter—can create a sense of contrast or isolation that heightens the character’s rage.
For example, imagine a character seething in a peaceful park or a quiet library. The calm of the surroundings can make their anger feel more potent. Or maybe they’re in a crowded, noisy room where they feel unseen and unheard, which fuels their frustration further. This use of setting can add depth to the scene without the need for dramatic gestures.
7. Let Consequences Speak for Themselves
An effective way to avoid melodrama is to let the consequences of the anger show its intensity. Characters don’t always have to yell or physically react; sometimes, a single choice can convey more than any outburst.
Perhaps your character cuts off a close friend or says something they can’t take back. Maybe they throw away a meaningful object or walk out in silence. By focusing on the consequences of their anger, you can reveal the impact without over-explaining it.
8. Let the Emotion Simmer After the Scene Ends
Anger is rarely resolved in a single moment, and its effects often linger. When writing an angry scene, think about how it will affect your character moving forward. Are they holding onto grudges? Do they feel guilty or exhausted afterward? Does their anger transform into something else, like sadness or regret?
Allowing the anger to simmer in your character’s mind even after the scene ends creates a more authentic and layered portrayal. It shows that anger is complex and doesn’t just disappear the moment the scene is over, adding emotional weight to both the character and the story.
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vermillioncrown · 2 years ago
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Fuck you and your writing. What the hell. How tbe fuck did you make a tasteful brothel scene, how the hell did you manage to do all this shit. This chapter was fuckin heart wrenching. I wanted to see WWX get fucked up and then he did and it wasn't satisfying, but it was good writing and i liked it regardless. God. How the hell did you do this shit. What the fuck.
:^) thank you, i hit my target :^) :^)
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because i really, really cared about getting the exact flavor of this chapter right, so much so that it took over a year.
the brothel scene is so important in what it means in the fic, which is more than showing that zyx fucked. or that zyx fucked a girl for real. or to do some questioning of sexuality.
(which i think i had to go through the five stages of grief when someone excitedly talked about it like having sex means someone is no longer aspec like... every day i am confronted by the fact we all coexist with vastly different perspectives on reality, and these realities are all true to some extent, sigh)
it's also not about being edgy and buying hookers, getting drunk, and all that.
so without using prostitution, nightlife, and sex as a prop and just being real with it, i hope that it doesn't come off goofy, edgy, or objectifying. the perils of trying to convey complicated feelings without therapy speak in-fic, and being really honest in someone's motivations and reactions (bc, unavoidably, it IS an SI).
the brothel scene and its whole fallout was so important, in fact, that i rewrote the entire order of the chapter. originally, the scenes were supposed to be in chronological order. logical, but it just felt like a boring recounting of events. sure, the events are fresh and we wanna see what zyx-mess happens next, but it's just a bunch of 'and then, and then, and then'. works for interlude chapters (ch8, ch15), but this really isn't one.
seguing, i learned a lot from how i wrote bil. dbd will never be as lean as bil, but it reminded me that when i drafted the fic, i focused on certain developments and ideas for a reason. also, since it's a chapter that doesn't involve too many canon characters, which let's be real that's usually the reason we stick around these kinds of fics, it needed to have purpose and be clear about what feeling it's trying to convey
even at the cost of simplicity in order of events
it would have been so difficult to keep the type of upset that zyx is feeling through a chapter that spans months, develops two interpersonal relationships, has a big oopsie, in chronological order without a too-angsty tone. too many periodic reminders would feel jarring and obtrusive, and exaggerate it. and that's also just not how zyx (i) deal with upsets, thank you adhd
and like, doing that for 10k+. (eternally i thank my readers for their patience and willingness to read so much bc people don't read fanfic for deep analysis and extra hw...) that's too much.
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the second most important scene is the wwx duel, you got it. (i'd lump the lxc duel there, too bc those two are kinda related)
(sometimes i worry i made wwx too annoying. but then i talk myself back--it's always perspective. wwx isn't doing more than he already did in canon. we just have someone who can articulate how they feel about what he does, and he's not the main narrator of dbd.)
we get to a very clear demonstration of zyx as a character--it's more or less "i have no mouth and i must scream". here's your chance to be violent. you know you want it. do it. act out, make yourself heard.
zyx doesn't do it.
and you know what? i will be honest, truly honest here: i am sorry if you can instantly clock why zyx is the way they are, because for real 'recognition of the self in the other'.
lack of satisfaction--when you know what you wanted all along was for something to have never have happened at all, would punishment (displaced punishment) satisfy you? would it fix you? sometimes it helps, just for a moment. but i've answered this question enough times that i know i'd rather have never had to ask that question in the first place.
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tldr: it's because it's a chapter about emotional honesty, and i as the author was really fucking honest and tried my fucking best to convey that.
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dee-the-red-witch · 5 months ago
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How to ACTUALLY date a trans girl
(This column was originally submitted to Autostraddle as a reply to their "A Trans Guy’s Guide to Picking Up a Trans Girl" but since they've apparently passed on it, it gets to be posted up free everywhere else instead.) Picture this- you’re a trans woman who’s been in transition for three years now. Your dating life has gone from abysmal to amazing in alternate fits and spurts and you’ve found not just one, but three awesome partners despite the many, MANY pitfalls you’ve experienced along the way. And then one day, your social media feeds ping up with screencaps of a guide to picking up girls like yourself. Needing a good laugh, you click through. And read. And proceed to smack your forehead with your own palm in frustration a few times and giggle and some other lines on the first readthrough. But things feel off, so you read again. And begin to seethe. And then start opening up the Word document and start typing frenziedly into it. Because honestly? At the end of the day, as a trans lesbian who dates all sorts of people on non-male parts of the amorphous spectral mass that is Gender, I feel like I’m obligated to. I wanted to go into that first reading and find a column that actually got things right, and this was so far off the mark in the worst ways, so I feel like I have to set some things down on paper. Because this guide reads, in so many ways, like everything my cisfem friends have complained about in the straight dating scene for years. Reading through it that second time, I felt almost the exact same sense of of sheer grease and sleaze that I’ve felt reading incel pickup guides. I felt like I was being seen as a pretty object at best and a disposable sex toy at worst. I wasn’t treated as human. At best it was a bunch of stereotypes, none of which applied to me. But under it all, I saw other bits- the tricks an abuser used to lure me in. The lies my rapist fed me. The excuses made by folks online for why I should be treated like a monster or thing because of my identity. You know, the specific blend of misogyny that singles out transfem identities in general- transmisogyny. And since we’re addressing the elephant in the room, I want to address a few particular points from Gabe’s article before I give you some real idea of how to go about this. And I want to emphasize here- this is after editing out a page of swearing, going over Gabe’s own past history of transmisogynistic writing, and just cutting it down to the actual points where the original article really went wrong, and also pick up a few points at the end that’ll actually work well for trans guys or anyone else who might be interested in a relationship with a trans girl. First off, if you’re trans as well? Stop playing the ‘we’re both trans’ card. ESPECIALLY if you’re coming at it from a ‘Why yes, I used to be a woman’ angle. For one, you’re telling us at the same time that you see us as former men, which is usually very much not the transfem experience (Personally, I always felt like I was putting on a ‘man’ act. All the time. Badly.) and for another, you’re being transphobic to yourself and your own identity. If we’re there to date you, it’s as the man you are- be that guy.
Secondly, just because the trans woman experience shares similarities with the experience you had trying to be a woman up until you came out and transitioned, it also has staggering fundamental differences, and your attempts to relate are going to highlight those differences in ways that aren’t going to work in your favor. We didn’t get to go shopping in public, or if we did, it was fraught with fear at being caught out in the early stages of transition, followed by massive frustrations with both trying to figure out where we fit into women’s sizing. And then discovering that absolutely nothing available in local stores, including thrift shops, would fit right, especially not that cute choker we’d always been drooling over. That nothing smelled right for lotion or perfume because we were dealing with a body chemistry that was going through a slow shift on HRT. And we don’t need or want to be reminded of just how much we stand out from the other girls in those kind of regards.
Also, maybe, just maybe, don’t do things that would get seen as completely misogynistic and creepy if you pulled them on a cisgender woman. Don’t go digging into her socials- stalkers and chasers pull that crap and it’s beyond tiresome. Don’t try to deduce what her pretransition life was like, that’s for her to share, if she chooses to. Don’t see her as a stereotype- some of us never played New Vegas, owned cat ears, or like thigh-highs. On that first date if you ever get there, don’t bring her flowers, lovebomb her like mad, constantly find little ways to touch her, any of that- if she has any experience, she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop in response, because she’s had this treatment before and it ended oh so badly. Just be yourself. And get it through your head that the bear is still definitely a choice regardless of everything- after all, we have examples like Gabe to prove that transmisogyny certainly isn’t limited to cis folks.
What should you do? Treat her like any other woman. Treat her like a human being, because we get so little of that, even from the rest of the LGBTQIA+ community. Yes, you’ll more than likely have to take initiative, because we’re used to seeing our attractions, needs, and desires as being perceived as aggressive or predatory by others. When you touch her, do it with assertion and intent- none of the little brushes and stalker moves- ask if you can hold her hand, or put an arm around her, so she knows you actually want to be here and want contact with her. Listen to her, and pay attention- let her be open and honest about her experiences and interests, and remember what she tells you, because she’s going to need to know that she’s wanted and valued for who she is and what she’s into, and it will be part of how she connects to you. And finally? Common sense and communication- every last one of us is different in a lot of ways, and asking or making room to talk about things from physical contact and sex to social activity or group outings or anything else can save a lot of blunders from ever happening. All in all you can and should date trans women! Please! A lot of the best relationships I’ve ever had were with other trans girls and I don’t regret any of those. But you have to put down the pickup guides, stop seeing us as fetish dispensers and sexy lampshades, and actually deal with us as people, first.
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