#wow this makes me sound way more unhealthy than I am I'm just desperate to not be jittery looking at the timer

[teamcavota]

i don't know if having a weed break before taking my test would be an amazing or terrible idea

[babineni]

The Path Not Traveled (part 2 of 2)

Sooo... ages ago I started writing my own take on Edér’s personal quest in Deadfire and I finally managed to kick my own butt to finish it. Here’s roughly 3800 words of... whatever this is.

Part 1 here:

Gaura took a deep breath as she left the Temple of Gaun, trying to clear the oppressive smell of mold and incense filling the sanctum. Just as she was about to take another, her nostrils were struck by a sweet and earthy scent she knew well.  Edér exhaled a puff of smoke when he felt her gaze on him and winked at her, trying convey some semblence of confidence. But Gaura still saw that he bit on the stem of his pipe slightly harder than he usually did.

'So... To the Gullet, then?' The Watcher let out a tired sigh. 'Wonderful.'

'At least this time we won't have to scour the place for decades old clues,' Edér tried to cheer themselves up. 'Though, at this point... wouldn't even be surprised, if we did.'

'This does feel a bit familiar,' Gaura added. If she had to be honest with herself, this was an understatement. The longer the search went on the stronger she felt it: that Edér once again gambled his peace and happiness on something that he would ultimately fail to reach. 'I just hope... Can you promise me something, Edér?'

'What?'

'If this reunion doesn't go the way you'd like... Can you promise me that you'd still come away with some measure of peace?' The Watcher gave the farmer an apoligetic look for her request.

He let smoke escape his mouth slowly, frowning, carefully processing his friend's words.

'Dunno. I'd just prefer if we left with what we came here for.'

'And what would that be?' Gaura crossed her arms.

'I told you...'

'I know what you told me. But you've gotta be more specific than that.'

Edér glared at the Watcher for a moment. Then he emptied his half-smoked pipe, cursing under his breath, and put it away.

'Y'know how I been rebuilding Dyrford for these few years? Was trying to make it a normal village. I wanted it to be the kinda place that really felt like the home we had before the war. In a way, I was... turning it into something like Gilded Vale used to be,' he rubbed a sore spot on the back of his neck. 'But it didn't feel the same.'

'I can think of a few reasons why you might've felt that way.'

'Yeah,' Edér chuckled somewhat bitterly, 'I do make it sound like I was turning Dyrford into something it wasn't but... that's not what really happened. And that's not what kept gnawing at me,' he averted his gaze from the Watcher almost as if he was ashamed. She waited for him to continue but the words did not come.

'It was you,' she guessed. 'You realized that... even if you managed to bring your old life back somehow,' Gaura cossed her arms and sighed sympathetically, 'you no longer would've had a place in it.'

'Dunno 'bout that,' he replied, 'haven't really felt I had a place anywhere for 15 years or so. I got used to it.' The veteran stayed quiet for a few moments. Gaura couldn't tell if he was pondering her words to find some new revelation about himself or if he was wondering if she spoke out of experience. 'But... I dunno maybe you're right.'

'And how does Elafa come into the picture?'

'She's...' Edér stopped himself to choose the words that followed cautiosly. 'She's pretty much the only person from Gilded Vale who knew me before the war and didn't see me anything other than who I was when I came back. If... If I'm gonna have a family one day... If I'm to give them a life free from the hate and violence that drove her away in the first place... Then I need her,' he let his head hang for a moment before he looked Gaura in the eye, his eyes full of clarity and sincerity. 'Because I can barely remember what that life was like.'

The Watcher's heart sunk and yet those words still left her with discomfort. 'So you want to move forward by going backwards and you just hope Elafa would remember your past for you?!'

'It's hardly fair, I know...'

'And it's really unhealthy.'

'I know, but I can't help it,' he stepped closer to her as he pleaded, 'and I'll try my hardest to make her happy in turn, I swe-'

Gaura raised a hand to silence him. 'It's not me you need to convince. I promised I would help.'

Edér let out a sigh of relief.

'But you gotta fill me in on what exactly went down between the two of you.'

'Yeah... Sure,' the farmer nodded somewhat awkwardly. Gaura gestured towards the stairway running beside the Temple of Gaun and leading to the bridge to the Gullet.

When the Defiant arrived at Neketaka, Edér asked the Watcher to go with him alone. Elafa was a suspicious sort, he said, and as strange as it felt to travel without her companions, Gaura was now grateful to be left alone to process Edér's recollections. He told her of all the times he asked Elafa to be more than just friends sharing a bed on occasion, and of all the times she said no. He told her of the day his parents left the Dyrwood and how he found himself back with his old Eothasian flock - or better to say what was left of it. He told her of the days leading up to the Purges in Gilded Vale. He told her of the Reaping, his reunion with Elafa, her Hollowborn son. He told her of the offer he made once again, and how Elafa said no. He told her of Elafa's escape. He told her of the offer he made for the last time and how, for the last time, she said no.

'I'm really sorry, Edér, for both of you,' Gaura knew how great an effort it was for her friend to open up to her like this, and she knew such a flimsy show of sympathy was probably an inadequate response.

Edér didn't seem to think the same. 'Don't be,' he said with a rueful smile. 'Should've told you about this a long time ago, I reckon. I just... Never been good at this sorta thing.'

'It's fine, I get it,' the Watcher swallowed thinking of all things she kept from Edér. All the fears she couldn't afford to show, the wear and tear she had to hide, the uncertainty that once defined her every waking moment but for the first time she wasn't sure how to adapt to it. She didn't know how long she stayed quiet as they walked beside one another, crossing the bridge that seemed endless.

'Promise me something, Edér,' Gaura broke the silence eventually. 'Promise me... that you stop looking to others to grant you peace. There are... things to which the world doesn't have an answer, but you still might find it within you. Promise me you'll start looking for those answers within.'

The Watcher looked to her friend, whose poorly concealed and uncharacteristic anxiety was now replaced with open worry.

'You don't think you can convince her, do you?'

'Even if I can, do you think things with her will turn out the way you want them to? That you can go back to the days before the war?'

Edér didn't respond. He looked at the bridge ahead and Gaura glimpsed a look on his face that she only ever saw once: five years before on the fields of ClÎaban Rilag, when she failed to give him the answers he desperately needed.

'I'm really sorry,' she apologized once more. She wasn't sure if she did it for the past or the present.

'Yeah, so am I,' he took out his pipe but this time his movements reflected resignation rather than just nerves. 'I know you mean well, and twenty years ago I would've been real grateful for the advice... Hel, I'm kinda grateful for it now... It's just that...'

'I know. It hurts like Hel. But with Eothas out there, doing who knows what... It's probably not the best idea to make anyone an anchor,' the Watcher scratched her chest right above her chimes.

Edér chuckled. 'Yeah, I definitely needed to hear that twenty years ago.'

'Ugh, twenty years ago... I didn't even have my horns yet,' the Watcher remembered. 'I was just a squishy ball of flame.'

'You still are.'

Gaura elbowed him in the side, prompting him to laugh. She couldn't help but laugh with him. None of them said anything for a moment but they both knew they needed that laugh. Then the moment passed.

'Can't promise anything,' Edér said. 'I was told I shouldn't make anchors.'

'Wow. I guess, I should be glad you listened.'

The sun was already setting by the time they reached the Gullet. Gaura wasn't surprised to see all the Dawnstars walking around aimlessly. The Rauataians either stayed at Hasongo or left for the Brass Citadel. The Children of the Dawnstars, however, only had the Temple of Gaun to themselves, and when that filled up, there was only one option left.

'Let's start with The Hole,' the Watcher suggested, 'if she isn't there, we'll check the Sanctuary. If she isn't there, we'll start asking around.'

Edér, however, wasn't listening. His gaze was fixed on a lanky boy with brown hair and freckles so prominent that Gaura could see them even from a distance. The farmer swallowed hard, then approached him. The Watcher had to skip to keep up with his long and determined strides.

'Hey, kid,' he called out. When the boy met Edér's gaze, he stopped in his tracks and whatever confidence he had disappeared in a second.

'Fine day to you,' the boy spoke cautiously. He took a double take at the flames framing Gaura's head then forced his gaze back to Edér. ' Is... there something I can help you with?'

'I'm looking for someone. Uh... She's my age, about this tall, always wears her hair in braids, she's got freckles just like yours...' Edér's words replaced the look of caution with a look suspicion on the boy's face, but he didn't seem to notice. 'Her name is Elafa. Elafa Maesy.'

'What do you want with her?'

'Nothing bad, I'm an old friend of hers,' Edér slightly lifted his empty palms.

'I know all of mother's friends and you don't look like any of them,' the boy crossed his arms.

'Oh...' the veteran froze for a fraction of a moment. 'You really are her son... Just as I thought,' the boy raised an eyebrow at Edér, prompting him to continue. 'I've known her before you were born. Has she never mentioned me? Edér? Teylegc? From Gilded Vale?'

The boy's eyes widened slightly and stepped forward, interested. 'She mentioned Gilded Vale before, but only like it was a slip of the tongue. I could never get her to talk about it.'

'Yeah... she didn't exactly leave under pleasant circumstances.'

The boy frowned. 'And how do I know she wasn't running from you?'

'Well, you don't,' Edér scratched the back of his head. 'Huh, you've got her spirit.'

The boy's frown deepened.

'You just need to trust us,' Gaura said. 'And we're a trustworthy bunch, just ask anyone here.'

The boy cocked his head at the Watcher and watched her silently for a short while. Then he gasped as if a realization dawned on him.

'You're the Captain of that Dyrwoodan ship! The Defiant, was it? Everyone is talking about you here.'

'We might've helped out a bit,' Gaura gave him a knowing smile.

'I... suppose... you're not here to start trouble then, the boy turned back to Edér. 'We're renting a room in The Hole. Mother is probably there, she doesn't like being out in such a crowd.'

'But the Gullet is always crowded,' the Watcher added.

'Exactly,' the boy smiled at her, satisfied with his display of wit.

'Just one more thing: what's your name, kid?' Edér asked.

'Bearn.'

'How old are you, Bearn?'

'I'm turning 17 soon, why?'

Edér's expression darkened as he made his calculations.

'Then... you're too young... Never mind, thanks for your help,' he rushed past the boy, leaving him dumbfounded.

'Uh, I gotta catch up to him,' Gaura gestured towards her companion. 'We'll be docked at Queen's Berth for the next couple of days, if you wanna chat. Bye.' She quickly said her goodbyes and gently pushed her way through the crowd slowly forming around her.

Edér was already talking to the innkeeper by the time the Watcher reached him. He took a deep breath and reached for his pipe, but just as he was about to light it, he stopped. He stared at nothing in particular, then he put away the pipe and looked at Gaura.

'You might get yelled at, so... Sorry about that in advance.'

'I'm used to it, but thanks,' the Watcher replied with a reassuring smile. Edér made his best effort at returning it then he stood up to guide her to Elafa's room. 'Ready?' Gaura asked as they stood facing the plain wooden door.

'Not really,' he said as he knocked.

There was no reply.

'Elafa?' Edér called out. 'It's me, Edér. Remember me?'

Still, there was no reply, but Gaura glimpsed a shadow moving under the door. She turned to Edér who gave her a nod - he noticed it too.

'I know, it's been a while but uh... Got some business here in the Deadfire and I thought I'd come and see you. Been to Hasongo too. I uh... I'm really sorry for what happened there.'

The door still didn't open but Elafa was standing right behind it, Gaura was sure of it.

'Maybe she can see us, too,' she whispered to Edér.

'Oh, right,' he aswered before he turned his attention back to the door. 'I'm here with a friend. Best one I made in years. No need to worry about her, she can be trusted.'

For a moment there was silence and then...

'You still believe in friendship? After everything that's happened?'

Edér was left speechless for a moment. The Watcher saw about a dozen different emotions flashing across his face, finally setting on a mixture of relief and tenderness.

'I missed your voice.'

Elafa hesitated with her answer.

'You didn't answer my question.'

'Sorry, I got a bit... Yeah, I learned to believe in it again.'

The door finally opened. However as soon as Elafa's gaze fell on the Watcher's face, she pulled out a pistol and pointed it right at her head.

'Charmed, I’m sure,' Gaura let out an exasperated sigh.

'Elafa, there's no need-'

'You're "making friends" with Magranites now?!' Elafa's voice rang with fury and old heartbreak.

'I'm not a-'

'What's that supposed to mean?' Edér asked before Gaura could protest.

'You know godsdamned well! But I never thought you would bed someone who would hunt us,' Elafa's gun wavered in front of Gaura's face. She shot a confused look at Edér who replied with an equally confused shrug.

'I think you got the wrong idea about us,' the Watcher said. 'And especially about me.'

'Is that so?' Elafa laughed bitterly. 'Then just who are you supposed to be?'

'Gaura, Captain of the Defiant, the Watcher of Caed Nua, the Herald of Berath and a friend of Edér's.'

Elafa's expression slowly softened. She turned to Edér for a moment who nodded in agreement with the Watcher. She lowered the pistol as she turned her gaze back to Gaura.

'Then... You're the one who ended the Legacy.'

'That's me. Edér helped too. A lot.'

'I was target practice for her enemies,' he joked. But Elafa didn't laugh.

'If you'd done it sooner, I'd have two sons now instead of one.'

Gaura looked away for a moment, trying to hide her guilt. This was not the first time she had to face the sorrow of a mother whose child has been taken by the Legacy, only to see their neighbors' restored. It hasn't gotten easier.

'I'm sorry I couldn't help your child. But I can help you and your other son now.'

'We're hunting Eothas now,' Edér explained. 'Whatever he's up to, we'll make sure he doesn't get to hurt you or Bearn. You have my word.'

'As well as mine.'

Elafa looked to Edér and scoffed. 'Again you're fighting our god. You really haven't changed.'

'You got tougher, though. Looks good on you,' the comment has earned him a faint smile.

'And you still make clumsy moves, I see.'

Gaura watched silently as the tension between her friend and his old flame started to relieve. She was just about to offer to leave them alone when Elafa invited them both into her room. There was barely enough space in there for two beds and a table with some stools.

'So what brings you to the sunniest spot in Neketaka?' Elafa made a poor effort at humor as they got seated.

'You, pretty much,' the Watcher answered.

Elafa blinked at her in disbelief. 'You really came down here, just to meet up? How did you even know I was here?'

'That's... a long story,' Edér added. 'But it's true. Just wanted to catch up, is all.'

Elafa stared at the farmer's hand for a few moments. Edér rubbed an old scar there when he felt her gaze on the back of his hand.

'I remember the last time we just had some catching up to do,' she said.

'Yeah, me too.'

'Didn't even matter, in the end. The babe died on the way to New Heomar. He was... too frail to handle the journey.'

Edér shifted his weight uncomfortably, and Gaura caught a glimpse of sorrow in his eyes.

'Really sorry to hear that,' he said.

Silence spread in the room, and grew more and more suffocating with each second passed. The relief the Watcher sensed earlier was gone and she again found herself wanting to leave.

'Did you ever regret it?' Edér eventually asked the question that hung heavily in the air. 'That you didn't let me come along?'

Elafa just watched him for a while, trying to figure out how to respond.

'There was one night. When the mobs took my husband. I thought back how you fought those guards to help me and my son escape. I thought... maybe you could've saved him too.'

Edér quietly acknowledged the answer and reached for his pipe. 'You mind?' he asked. Elafa shook her head. The veteran lit the pipe and took a long draw from it. The way he exhaled the smoke almost seemed like a sigh.

'So you got married.'

'Had a son, was widowed, sailed out to start over,' Elafa chuckled ruefully. 'I'm getting real good at that last bit.'

Edér kept nodding to himself. Gaura elbowed him in the side and gave him a pointed look. When he didn't seem to catch her meaning she spoke up.

'We could help you with that actually. Well... Edér could. I currently live on a sloop.'

Elafa raised an eyebrow at the Watcher. 'How so?'

'I left Gilded Vale too,' Edér finally found his voice. 'Settled down in Dyrford instead and became the mayor. We... still got a few empty plots of land. Free for anyone willing to take care of them.'

'And you think I'd want to take on that offer, huh?' Elafa said bitterly. 'Y'know when we left New Heomar, we could've gone anywhere in the world. We could've stayed in the Dyrwood, we could've stayed in the Eastern Reach. But we came here instead.'

'Guess, that's a no.'

'That, it is.'

Gaura sighed and leaned forward on her stool. 'Elafa, you left before Eothas came to Hasongo, so you probably don't know the state the outpost is in. It's... not good. Even if it was possible to rebuild everything as it was, would it not be wiser to consider your options?'

'I have considered them: I get to choose between uncertainty in a safe community or comfort surrounded by people ready to backstab me at any moment...'

'I would never let that happen, Elafa,' Edér's tone was tense but sincere.

'I know,' she smiled at him, 'but I can neither ignore nor forget what happened in the last twenty years. I'd rather face hardship here than what I've left behind.'

'So you're just gonna run?'

'And you're just gonna hold on to something that is long gone. Why do you think I refused to let you come along?' Elafa looked Edér in the eye and sighed, bracing herself. 'Edér, no matter how sweet you were... Nothing could've worked between us. Not after the war. I was willing to adapt but you... you tried so hard not to let the war change you. It was endearing but... That was it. I couldn't be like you and I couldn't take this away from you.'

'Why, that is good to know,' Edér said with gritted teeth after a few moments that felt like an eternity. 'And it would've been good to know twenty years ago too,' he stood up. 'Y'know there was a lot I was willing to do for you... There still is... '

'I can tell,' Elafa seemed strangely heartbroken as she spoke, 'which is why I think you should go.'

'Agreed.'

'But I...' Gaura wanted to protest but neither Edér nor Elafa seemed interested in what she had to say. She sighed as she stood up as well. 'You see, Caed Nua may be gone, but know that you have a place by my hearth wherever that may be. Edér's friends are my friends.'

'I can see why he likes you,' Elafa glanced at Edér leaving the room. 'Take care of him, will you.'

'Yeah and you take care too,' the Watcher flashed a quick and apologetic smile at her before she left as well.

Gaura hurried after the farmer down the hallway. She caught up to him at the base level of The Hole. He didn't seem particularly angry or sad. Just tired. 'Sorry about how things went down back there,' she approached him. 'I should've done more...'

'Hey, cut it out,' he gave her a faint half-smile. 'You've done more than enough. Guess, you were right about... Well... Everything.'

Gaura wasn't sure what else she could've said. So she embraced him without another word. Edér hugged her back, hesitantly at first, then so tightly it nearly hurt.

'Edér, you're squeezing the soul outta me.'

'Sorry about that. Lemme buy you a pint as a proper apology,' he inclined his head towards the bar.

'A pint of the swill from here? You're trying to kill me?'

The veteran managed to laugh at that. It was a half-hearted laugh at best, but it was something. Gaura could work with that. Whatever small measure of peace she could help him achieve was worth the effort.