#would be a bad & fucked up person“ and if my grandmother had wheels she would've been a bike.

[bredforloyalty]

well

i want to hurt people but it's fantasies it's abstract and yet very very specific i think i have the normal level of like sensitivity and aversion to fellow humans' suffering. but then again 'sadism' makes no sense without empathy cause there's that quote about identifying with the victim like if one doesn't know what hurt is then why cause it y'know it'd be meaningless. so sadism and empathy don't cancel each other out at all. but again i consider my day to day conduct normal and i think i never had a problem with not caring about others' pain or wanting to cause it, i feel like that's just not my vice (i fuck up my relationships through other means) and even if i do love sick shit and if that were a particularly prominent characteristic (super debatable. i love many other things not just sick shit) i still can't fathom doing it . i mean what's a "want" that's so removed from anything real like does that even exist if it's in no way plausible. if a tree falls in a forest and there's nobody around to hear it.... + what if the world was made of pudding. and basically my conclusion is that if "sadist" means someone who gets off on hurting others (Or someone who just finds enjoyment in that on any level and seeks it out) and i don't hurt others like that cause i don't have the type of relations with anyone that would induce this in me then by definition i am not a sadist. like it's not real it's not relevant no one fucking cares if i have that seed in me or cares what i would do if i could go to an alternate dimension and like commit heinous acts without consequences.. ofc this is an insane level of overthinking for something that's not real but y'know it matters to me and sometimes i wonder if i'm an evil person and if it's gonna jump out of me one day, the dysfunctional ruiner degenerate misanthropic violent sex freak or if i don't have to worry about that cause i value autonomy and human lives. i don't want ruin i just want ruin and wish it was real. also i kind of wish i could be more real