#wont be elaborating but wow sex i had sex

[tonightinthewasteland]

Robert backed himself out the small bathroom to get a better look at his appearance. The petite mirrored cabinet resting above the sink only captured his upper half: a pristine lab coat and a slice of vault suit beneath, freshly styled blonde hair kept tightly to the scalp and two sharp blue eyes. He admonished himself quietly. Despite all the grooming, he looked every bit of the glutton he felt. A twinkle of off-key cords told him his lover was awake, finally. 

Taking a few steps in the next room, he paused over the bedside where Casey lay nude in well-loved bliss, plucking the strings of a guitar Robert didn't recall being within reach. The young man’s eyes were closed.

“Do you play?”  Robert asked with some humor, raising a brow at the disjointed melody.

“Not well,” Casey admitted, still plucking blindly.

“So I hear.” He agreed affectionately. 

“I am good at one thing, though.” Casey smiled with knowing, his head dipping deeper in the pillow. The playing had stopped and it seemed to Robert that the young brunette had fallen asleep, again.

Doctor Covington instinctively pat his breast pocket. It was empty, as he expected, but it was the gesture that surprised him. Already forty-two and after nineteen years of cold turkey his veins still howled for a post-coitus cigarette. With a tired sigh, he resolved to sit at the edge of the bed and watch the young man sleep, wondering how things came this far in such a deceptively cordial amount of time. 

He’d known of the younger Loomis by family legacy, and by his reputation of being a jack of all trades but master of none. The boy had briefly interned with the maintenance crew, the kitchen, agricultural department, housekeeping, and eventually settled on teachers aid in the education hall. They’d rarely passed in the corridors, kept to different circles at vault events, and any minor bruises the boy sustained had been treated by nurses. They were formally introduced only seven days prior to their impulsive elopement at a first-time eye exam. 

“Age and full name, please.” He knew the answers but the pencil remained poised over the clipboard.

“29,” The young man submitted cheerfully. “Casey Lee Loomis.”

The patient waited obediently as the pencil scratched away but Robert could sense his bright eyes watching closely. 

“What seems to be the problem, Mr. Loomis.”

Casey inhaled deep as if prepared to relay a long string of ailments, but the complaint was simple enough.

“Things have been getting blurry. I wasn't sure at first but it’s gotten hard to grade papers.” 

Robert nodded affirmatively and made quick notes before flipping through a thin file resting on a tray. 

“All I have here is your initial vault-tec medical examination from 19 years ago.” He clicked his tongue. “No medical record is just as bad as having a medical record, Mr. Loomis. I’m afraid I will have to do a more thorough examination than you might have expected.”

“Okay.” Casey nodded from his chair in polite agreement and chewed his bottom lip, his gaze seeming glossy. Robert scrunched his brow and tucked the pencil into the hinge of the clipboard.

“Is something the matter, Mr. Loomis?”

“Yeah, you don’t look at me when you talk. It makes me nutty.” 

The blunt assessment puzzled Robert. He backtracked the offense he didn't know he made and privately attempted to decipher the young man’s meaning of ‘nutty’.

“I...apologize.” He said cautiously. 

The young Loomis just grinned.

“No worries. I like it.” 

Robert tightened his mouth curiously but commented no further on the odd confession. Instead, he reached into his coat pocket and handed off a small yellow card with mysterious markings.

“Ahem, well, take this with you when you leave today and go about your routines. I want to make sure there isn't a radiation leak that’s causing blindness.” 

Before his patient could ask he picked up a retinoscope and beckoned the young man to scoot closer.

“Now, let me get a good look at you.”

Over the days that followed, Casey waved as he passed the glass walls of the Medical Center, sometimes stopping to peer in while making the shape of glasses with his hands until Dr. Covingtion shook his head. No, not ready yet. 

After a few days more, Robert appeared at his patient's door. It was unprofessional and rule-breaking, but worth the pride that came with the excited look on Casey’s face as Robert stood before him with the fated new spectacles pinched like a wedding ring between his fingers. Casey slipped them on slowly with ceremony and looked straight up at the doctors face.

“Oh, wow.” 

“Satisfactory?” An honored smile crept across Roberts' cheeks.

“Beautiful, actually. Would you like to come in for coffee, Doc?”

Robert rubbed at his heavy eyelids and groaned. In lieu of romantic entanglement, he had taken a vow of bachelorship throughout the vault-half of his life and those plans had become compromised. Glancing down at the serene face, he proposed that perhaps this wasn't the worst way to ride out the next six years if it came to that. 

With a motivating slap at the mattress, he stood with finality to make for the door and found himself snagged at the coattails. A quick peek downward revealed a languid arm tugging playfully and a mischevious face.

“The good doctor says ‘open wide and say aah!’“ Casey let his tongue curl out.

The following evening brought a visitor to his office door that was expected but horrifically untimely. The bulky intercom buzzed to life from the doorway. 

“Dr. Covington, it’s the Overseer. We need to talk.”

Robert, who had just tugged Casey’s vault suit mid-way down his hips, uncurled a hand from the fabric to activate his desk intercom. He leaned over his lover’s thighs to speak into the microphone. 

“If you will allow me a few moments, I am finishing up with a patient.” 

Casey stifled a giggle with a hand and earned himself a harsh scowl as Robert began reassembling his clothes. 

“Get dressed,” He ushered irritably, pulling on his lab coat and smoothing out his hair. “It’s time for me to put out the fire you walked us into.”

Casey’s eyes rolled behind his thick black frames.

“Prescribe yourself some Calmex, Doc. It’s wont be that bad.”

Robert stopped with a hand still in his hair and gave Casey a wild glare, suddenly feeling dangerously feral and cornered.

“Oh, to be young and blissfully ignorant.” He spat, meaning every bit of the bitterness behind it.

”I’ve acted inappropriately, irresponsibly ignored my other patients, covertly absconded with you under the guise of medical treatment, grossly abusing the trust of the community for my own pleasure. It could be very bad, Loomis.”

Casey’s brow became stern but he remained unaffected.

 “It’s just sex.” 

Robert sighed loudly and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Exactly, Casey. Exactly.”

 He didn't elaborate further, just breathed evenly until calm.

It was Casey that spoke first.

“Look,” He itched the inside of his ear absently. “I understand there might be some trouble and I can explain everything with you if you want, but I think it will be alright in the end. Just let life happen, Okay, Bobblehead?”

Robert looked up at his lover and mutely watched him slip back into the rest of his suit, feeling every bit his age and more as Casey finished his self-gathering with a bounced down from the desk. The sensation in Robert’s chest was foreign and wholly unwelcome but when he reached out to comb a hand through the young man’s hair, things seemed to click into place the same way they had each time before. Robert took hold of Casey’s face and kissed him.

“If there is any trouble, it will not reach you, I guarantee it.” 

“Want me to take the Orderly exit?” Casey said quickly, bright eyes searching Roberts now aghast face.

“Heavens, no. My lovers leave by the front door. Allow me.”

He fingered a hidden switch beneath the desk and something clicked. The door slid open with a hush to reveal an impatient Overseer that seemed to not like what she saw.

“Good Evening, Overseer, and thank you for coming, Mr. Loomis.”

[tamiddyinyourcity]

Irony makes me sick.

I couldn't even go, "Wow, some dude just hit me up on instagram out of nowhere to ask me out",

without thinking of Patrick.

(Now I see how weird it was to do that without knowing him.... but eh, went okay.)

And the classic tweet of, "All I do is exist and girls give me their phone number. I dont deserve this profile picture", and changed his picture from a clown version of Shingi, to like.... a happy Shingi from Evangelion, I think.

Or whatever his name is. Shinji?

It doesnt get any easier, does it?

Its not like we arent friends, but like......

I dunno.

He needs space? To be not emotional about the loss of the relationship; and i suppose thats what is needed.

And until then, just gonna let my irritation simmer into my artwork.

......sigh.

Painting concept art for ideas and have two dates for the week.

I still dont know what he meant by "im not sure about the idea of seeing other people", since i didnt get him to elaborate before the conversation changed into a previous memory moment....

And shoutout to that memory of pre-boyfriend Patrick, shortly after saying he wasnt into me, that we should wingman for eachother... a little extra salt in the wound to not only have been rejected, but hearing that they want me to get them a girlfriend definitely was wack.

......but eh.

Is that his way of saying "i doubt youd handle me having a new girlfriend well?"

Probably accurate, and id simply leave if i felt too extremely uncomfortable about it.

Or is that a way of saying "i dont want to hear about whoever you date and plow next?"

Fair, but looking at the tumblr i use specifically to vent on isnt a good way to not hear about the people i bang. Hell, its why you got blocked everywhere man.... but eh, i wont mention my romantic relationships to his face if he doesnt want to have that specific image in mind.

And well....

Yeah.

Still annoyed at him doing the "I'm holding your hand, got my arm around you, and im resting my face against your forehead..... while also laughing and saying id definitely not want to date you."

Thaaaaaaaaanks, Patrick! Gee, it almost makes me not regret the Krispy Kreme Penis joke I made nights before.....

I was bummed we didn't get to try that, all honestly.

I feel like there's still slivers of emotion left over.

Understandably so. I did really like the guy.

Sucks if just two nights after I'm thinking, "Yeah, I'm really glad I'm with this guy", everything goes to shit.

And now the tears aaaaare flowing.

Fuck.

No point in "what ifs". I'll either get mad at him, or myself, for how I responded to the shit when things all had happened.

And I can't change the past.

....

I see it as a matter of....

I don't know if I could be with him now.

It'd have to be some sort of low key shit, or just straight up just banging, or whatever we were before I eventually got him interested in going on dates with me again.

(Buuuut sex leads to emotions, emotions lead to problems, and problems lead to blocking the person you liked a lot on every social media platform available.)

And.... Idk, probably not into the idea of just sex.

(That kinda was a factor to us dating too? He was like "i dont think ill have enough time during the week to see you for anything more than fucking", and me simply going "i dont wish to continue then", lead to.... oh look, time was made.... and wasnt turned into a sex object. Whoop whoop, how nice.)

Sex without anything else (like netflix, cuddling, or whatnot) just feels so..... bland.

And pointless.

I could be more satisfied yet just as easily disappointed emotionally with my left hand if I wanted to have a lackluster friends with benefits level situation.

And.....

Yeah.

Anyway, its 11:04pm, and I just called the dude who was talking to me an idiot.

Since he was.

And I just don't care anymore. What's even the point?

Relationships with others always end disappointing.

...

Buuuut the starts are always disappointing, as well, so I should be smart, but not too sus about those who come near me.

(I.e., when my ex Blonde Patrick met me and I thought he was kind of an airhead who had only cared about himself, and surprisingly no, he was a very intelligent and openly cocky, yet humble, young man.)

And even before Brunette Patrick and I met, I did openly question his..... "there"-ness.

I don't wanna go too deep into it, but they're mentally stable, and would of course notice if you waved a hand directly in front of their face. I guess I just thought, "This dude seems kinda out of it, or that he prefers to hear himself speak and gets caught up in speaking that he doesnt even realize that the other person is still there...."

But we worked it out, and things went well.

(I struggled finding a way to describe it for months, but it turns out that it wasnt "no one wants to hear him speaks", its "hes speaking a lot, but, forgets to let others chime in and allow a conversation to feel mutually involved.")

I felt so bad when he stopped talking or said bad things about himself. I know I'm a c-word for the shit I say about him on here, but even so, i would absolutely still slap the fuck out of someone who made him feel bad about himself in an instant.

It went from "im not sure this guy is ready for a relationship but he seems nice", to "yeah this dude is absolutely amazing, anyone would be lucky to have him, cant stop smiling around this dude."

Sucks ass that its over now.

Its back to square one in terms of dating, or even meeting others. Which means more texts from half asleep horny fuckboys with no sense of self or actual personality past what they've heard in Drake songs, and more of me trying to resist tweeting, "For fucks sake, men are pathetic".

.....yeah.

Alright, I better go to bed, or record something.

Life is too short to only write about lame stuff.

Peace out.

[rochellemkeiser-blog]

My final Letter to Him

For 8 months now, you haven’t treated me right. You wanted to use me in the beginning and then something happned where you said wow this girl is actually cool. Still now I feel im not being treated right, even as a friend. I have expressed how I fele about you so mnay times. Im constalty asking you to hang out, sticking by you thru all of this, and yet I still feel like im being used. I know this may seem selfish and immature but god forbid in another 8 months, this is still going on and I delvelop real feeling for you or start to fall for you and you up and tell me that you don’t want to be with me or ever see me again and I really get hurt. I cant go thru that because I thinks its going to happen anyways. You mean more to me even though you don’t treat me re right, then I will ever mean to you. You have never told me im pretty or I look nice, even though, I get dressed up or do my hair because I know you like me with my hair down, You never ask me how my day is going,you stopped asking me to hang out.  I know your going through a lot and its not the right for even saying anything abou this but it will never be th e right time, your never going to want to talk about this and im never going to be happy if this stays the same. I feel like your still using me and I hate myself because I am letting you. I am leaving in 3 weeks for a couple of month and it breaks my heart knowing that I cant visit you for that long or theres a chance you could meet someone else, or I could.

I was going to ask you if we could out this on hold and when I come back we can try a real relationship, where we care about eachother and are nice, sweet and lovable but I don’t think you actually ever  wanted to be with me at any point. Maybe you tried a little harder because I tunred you on and wanted to have sex with me more than in the beginning or you liked that I came back and saw that as a weakness, so it was a better opportunity for you.  I don’t think you could love me

If anyof this is wirng, which I highly doubt, you don’t talk, you have gotten better at opeing up to me but I am the one getting hurt. And for ever will I be the ine getting hurt. This is how I have always been treated and its whats normal to me. I don’t want to go on with this if you don’t see this going anywhere.

I know what your going to say, maybe we should stop, your not going to elaborate or say more. Odds are your not going to know what to say. Its already breaking my heart writing this because it already feels like its over and trust me I dint want it to ever end. But you and I are toxic for eachother. Im chaos to your life and qyour poison to my heart.  Like I said, I got attached and this love is one sided again. I have to go before I get hurt more because these feelings the more they grow, I wont get them back. I have gotten zero emotion from you so its impossible for me to know what yoru thinking at any time, and I cant ask you because I feel ucomfortbale. I hate walking on egg shells with you.  I did this whole situation once again with someone I thought I woul d never have to say goodbye to and it almost broke me, so I had to leave.

Just to make things clear, I was or still am falling inlove with you, very slowly, which Is the worst. You feel it more and theres more time to think, which is teribel beacseu your poesin for me. It doesn’t seem like you like me or want to me with me. You told em you cnat give me what I need which is a very nice way of telling em I never want to be with you. You didn’t say yes, I want to be with you I just cant right now. I have to move on with my life.

Ill keep my promise. I will be here for you whenever you need me but I cant be here as your “special friend”.  Or what ever I am to you or I was. Im sorry im leaving again but you have given me no choice. I wihd you told me what you were thinking when you figured it out. We have never had good timing but everything happenes for a reason or that’s what I keep telling myself to make this all seem like it will be better In the end.  Why cant you tell me how you feel, if you ever cared aboue me, why was that so hard, or why is it so hard? Could you see yourself loving me?

 I don’t know what to sign this because obviously its not always or forever anymore because I am leaving again, its not love because you don’t feel the same way so I am going to sign this from the only person that would ever tell you their true feeling in a word doc.

 -Rochelle