#with very skewed morals and questionable coping mechanisms

[maramahan]

So my shady little sucker went and challenged a local dojo to a human + pokemon fistfight

And

uh

…it hasn’t been going very well?

So a friend of mine started running a Pokemon ttrpg for a few of us, and I’m having a very good time so far

I caught my first pokémon yesterday — my first Pokémon aside from my starter, that is — and it went something like this:

[thefandomlesbian]

Madison wasn’t a child, though, I thought all the girls in Coven where young adults, at least over 18? Zoe should have been at least like 19 so wouldn’t Madison be at least the same age or a bit older, based on the actresses ages? She never told Cordelia she had been raped, the only time Cordelia heard about it was when Zoe got scared and said it along with a bunch of other stuff. Anyway yes it was wrong that she didn’t ask Madison after that and did nothing after knowing, but imo that was completely out of character... it was bad writing like the many plot holes in that show. It just doesn’t match Cordelia’s personality to act that way, the writers chose to never bring up what happened again. They didn’t even show how it affected Madison and they used the rape just for shock value and to add nothing to Madison’s arc. Just like they never did anything with the incest plot with Kyle. The decided not to mention it in the show ever again. Cordelia wasn’t a bad person and she truly cared for the girls (and she showed it later in Coven and then even more in Apocalypse) the show is just very inconsistent and the characterization is a mess.

The original statement on the wiki was that Zoe was seventeen and the source has since expired but I do hold that to be canon, which implies Madison is also 17-20 years old. She's attending a boarding school where Cordelia is literally responsible for her and Cordelia didn't give a shit when she went missing. Being "legally" of age doesn't change the morality of the situation. Madison had been horribly abused and neglected her entire life up until that point, and her behavior was a reflection of that, and Cordelia blew her off as "just a troublemaker." She was not a good teacher. Madison said so to Zoe in the first episode when she told Zoe that Cordelia just wanted them to learn how to suppress their powers; it was more or less implied that Cordelia's job was to get the girls to bend their magic down and squish it, and I find that easy to believe, given she married a human.

Madison isn't the only example of this. She didn't care when Queenie left to join Marie Laveau and she didn't even look for Queenie's body after Hank shot up the Voodoo witches and was surprised when Queenie came back alive. She didn't question that Nan... Fell in the tub? under her care. As Queenie stated outright, Cordelia was flying high just because Myrtle had gotten her her vision back, and she tried to reassure the girls by telling them of her new strength, and Queenie said, "One witch is dead and another is missing. You are as weak as you ever were." Only that was a kick in the butt enough to get her to try to do something to find Misty (too little too late for Nan), and instead of being criticized, the canon narrative and the fandom alike romanticize the hell out of that choice.

Then in Apocalypse she slaps Madison in one episode and the next Madison literally volunteers to sacrifice her life for them and there is no apology or exchange about it—there is no excuse for Cordelia to ever put her hands on one of her students, ever, for any reason.

I don't disagree that Cordelia is a victim of bad writing, but I maintain that she isn't a good teacher and that the canon wants us to think she's a lot more pure than she is in reality. She ignored her students having substance abuse issues, ignored students' behavioral issues, provided no emotional support resources for students like Zoe and Madison who arrived after killing someone with their powers, ignored students going missing, ignored students being raped, ignored students' valid concerns about the welfare of their classmates (when she continually blew Nan off for insisting Madison was dead and then was surprised when the council showed up), chose to go out drinking and left students unsupervised with an immortal racist, had her all female students living in a home with her male husband under the same roof, ignored deaths when they occurred, and showed extremely questionable decision making skills all the way until the end of Coven. Having Myrtle burned at the stake was not the logical decision to make, as much as Myrtle insisted it was. The eyes of the world were upon them, and the first thing they see is the coven brutalizing one of their own? Cordelia and the coven would've been arrested on the spot.

There is far from one instance that makes her an incapable teacher. I don't like her character, and I don't like her actions. She is every well-intentioned adult who has ever hurt a child by being ignorant and self-absorbed and not noticing signs of trauma and poor coping mechanisms right in front of their face. Madison deserved better from her teacher and from her school.

I also don't disagree that Cordelia cared for her students, but caring for and actually being responsible for are two very different things. Hell, at that point, she jeopardized the whole coven just to ask Michael to bring Misty back; she led the coven into Outpost 3 where they were all violently killed and she had no choice but to kill herself to transfer the supremacy (which led to the worst ending of the century, but I digress).

Again, I don't think Cordelia's actions are defensible, and I maintain the only reason anyone thinks that is the narrative is skewed in such a way to make her look like the good guy. Told through a different lens where she wasn't meant to be the character the audience was rooting for, her negative actions and faults would be much more clear, and she wouldn't be the fan favorite character anymore. That much is clear with Lana—objectively, Lana's actions after Asylum were not that bad. The worst thing she did was become a little dismissive of Kit and walk away from her promise to help the people in the asylum where she had literally been tortured and where it was extremely painful and triggering for her to revisit. But because the narrative was tilted in such a way to make her seem selfish and self-absorbed, suddenly everyone in the fandom hates her because "she wasn't a good person anymore" when I've just listed oodles of instances of bad behavior on Cordelia's part that Lana never would've exhibited. (I think this narrative choice on part of Murphy was 100% due to lesbophobia, but that's beside the point.)

The narrative wants you to think Cordelia is pure and simply the best character because she's well-intentioned and has a big heart, but under the surface level, she repeatedly makes irrational decisions and takes actions that are not for the common good. Or worse, she doesn't act at all. In nursing, we say, "Inaction is an action." Choosing not to act when someone, especially someone you're responsible for like a student, is in peril is an action all of its own, and it speaks much louder than any superficial words.

[bozojesus]

2, 7, 11, 14

   meme: crucial muse development questions || status: accepting !!

2 : what was the best thing in your character’s life?

   if asked, he would say his family, and honestly? this isn’t entirely untrue. cutter was on a fucking warpath before he settled down with mama firefly in late 1947. he lived alone, charlie was in prison, he struggled with drug and alcohol dependency — and with keeping his violent impulses under control.

   while admittedly he was in a much more stable position when he met mama firefly, having not committed any murders in nearly a year as well as running a homemade haunted house business that he enjoyed, her presence — along with that of her sons tiny and RJ — helped cutter keep a level head & gave him a real sense of purpose outside of being an entertainer. he finally felt loved, and that he had somewhere to belong. he had somewhere healthy to pour all of his love, time and energy into, and found he enjoyed acting in the role role of protector & caretaker.

   when baby was born a little more over a year into her parent’s’ relationship, cutter was overcome by a sense of pride, wonder & joy, and knew right then that the rest of his life would be spent devoted to his child & ensuring that she had a safe & happy life.

   even nowadays, when cutter finds himself struggling with his family’s bloodthirsty & gruesome ways — not that he’d let anyone know that, of course — he still wouldn’t change a thing, and would never, ever regret them. he knows he wouldn’t be the man he is today without most of the other fireflies — that there’s a good chance he wouldn’t even be alive had he not met them.

7. how does your character feel about sex?

   oof, this one’s a doozy. let’s say… at first glance, it just seems cutter likes sex a little too much. he uses it as a coping mechanism — something that distracts him from what’s unpleasant, something that makes him feel less lonely, something that fills a void, something that makes him feel better about himself. but what do you know — he usually feels even worse after he does it, because he knows in his heart of hearts that it doesn’t actually mean anything, and even if it did, he understands things probably aren’t going to work out with the other person. he struggles to maintain long-term relationships nowadays; if he isn’t the unstable one, the other party usually is, or their issues feed off each other and create a toxic situation. but right now i’m talking about sex specifically — cutter’s tendency to go for “crazy” women ( i say women specifically but it’s much more common for him to engage in sex with them than with any other gender ) is a whole other analysis for another time.

   cutter feels he needs to be seen as a sexually available, and sexually desirable, because it makes him feel accepted. like he’s good at something, like he’s worth something. it’s also very very important to remember that cutter suffers from hypersexuality, which is a legitimate mental illness. his sexual urges are usually compulsive. he feels like he has no control of them, he can become obsessive over sexual fantasies and has intrusive thoughts about sex — sometimes very grotesque and/or violent ones — and that scares him. he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t enjoy that shit at all.

   cutter is severely traumatized as a result of the CSA he suffered at the hands of his adoptive mother. it’s completely skewed his views of sex and intimacy, has given him extremely complicated views on women in general. part of him feels that if he establishes his dominance enough — or if he’s charming enough to take charge of sexual situations — maybe he can undo the horrible things that have happened to him. what’s worse is that a lot of the people around him — mostly other men — see his sexual appetite and “prowess” as something to be admired and cheer him on, which makes cutter feel even more compelled to continue the cycle.

   he needs help. he needs someone to take him aside and really ask him what the hell is going on, and he isn’t getting that. there’s nothing sexy or romantic about cutter’s situation at all. it’s fucking tragic.

11. for what would your character give their life?

   his family, unquestionably. he’s been prepared to lay himself down for them for a very long time, and in a way, he’s already has — putting aside his own feelings and morality in order for them to continue wreaking havoc. ( though that isn’t to say he doesn’t have moments where he revels in the destruction and the debauchery too. let’s not forget he’s fucked up in his own right and by no means a good person, even if he’s not as far-gone as some of the others. )

   everything he does, he does for them. i think the verse about him in the d.evil’s rejects song ( written by rob himself ) says it best:

   “yeah i am the knuckle,   bow down and buckle,   hold your breath,   your world is running down,   live for the family,   die with the family,   all is the family,   my gun is running out.”

   cutter is a stubborn old bitch-hog who’d die for what he believes in — his principles. he sticks to his guns like nobody’s business. talking to him can be as productive as talking to a brick fucking wall, sometimes. he’d literally rather take a bullet the face than admit he was wrong, so good luck getting into an argument with him.

14. what does your character pretend or try to care about?

   it depends on the situation. cutter is like a chameleon — tends to adapt to whatever’s going on around him, whatever best helps him stay out of trouble. when he’s around his family, some of his apathy towards human lives and his amusement towards the suffering of other people is genuine, or appears that way. he does resent humanity as a whole — or society, i should say, not that he’s able to distinguish the two right now — and blames it for his shitty lot in life. he’s vengeful. he ( wrongly ) believes if he hurts enough people, he may alleviate his own pain and suffering. additionally, cutter believes he must adapt to his family’s ways in order to stay in their good graces. he’s afraid they’ll abandon or turn on him if he doesn’t, especially with otis at the helm of that particular flagship.

   that said, any sadism he exhibits — not that Any form of sadism is good, let’s not kid ourselves — is mild compared to otis’ and baby’s. cutter is genuinely horrified & repulsed by some of the things they do, especially any form of sexual violence or torture. he tends to block a lot of it out, and the times he does force himself to laugh along with them, he winds up feeling violently sick afterwards and is deeply shaken up. he doesn’t like being around when it happens, and does his best to ignore the fact it’s happening altogether.

   in social situations outside of his family, cutter does his best to act “normal” and pleasant. some days he’s more convincing at it than others — some days he’s willing to try more than others, too. depends on the astuteness of his company and how grumpy cutter is feeling.

[parabellum-rpg-archive]

Congratulations, Joss! You’ve been accepted to play Jackson Sinclair. Please make your page and send it in within 24 hours.

Admin Note: Your writing was so fun to read, but when I got to the part about Jack and his nieces/nephews I WAS READY TO SOB. (ALSO HIS CATS, IM GOING TO LITERALLY DIE) Thank you for applying and we very much look forward to writing with you! -Admin J

CHARACTER DESIRED

Jackson Sinclair

DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER IN YOUR OWN WORDS

Jackson is a good guy, which is odd, considering his line of business. His moral compass is perhaps slightly skewed, but he definitely has a code. Don’t hurt women or children, don’t enjoy violence, stay away from drugs, humiliation and cruelty aren’t good motivators, peace is better than war. He might have lived a totally normal life and just been that nice guy on your block who’d fix your car for free if you watched his kids once in a while if he’d been dealt different cards. As it is, he’s a large man with a lot of tattoos, an intimidating presence, and a scary voice, and that means most of the time, he doesn’t have to do anything to maintain the peace. And that’s really how he views his job. Sure, he’s the guy you go to when violence must occur, but perhaps because of his reticence, he’s managed to develop a good reputation. He’ll talk shit out first, and if he decides bad things have to happen, well, you must have done something really wrong. If Jack really doesn’t like you, you might as well just leave, because everyone else will assume you must be pretty fucked up. He’ll still fix your car for free, though the return favour might be something a lot more illegal than babysitting. Of course, given the Sinclair family, it could just be babysitting one of his nieces, aka making sure Paityn doesn’t die and Paisley doesn’t lose her shit on someone. He loves his nieces and nephews, they’re the closest thing he has to kids himself, and his home is always available for anyone who needs to crash there, no questions asked. Despite having a fairly safe and law-abiding youth, he’s surprisingly non-judgmental about what they get up to, as long as they’re not hurting anyone. Paityn is his baby and he frets about her constantly, Priya is the only niece he trusts with anything really important, Paisley reminds him of Piper and thus he’s easily won over by her, Sebastian reminds him of himself and he’s quietly encouraging and supportive, and Shiloh is … well, Shiloh, but Jack will follow that boy to Hell just to drag him out if necessary. The subject of Piper Moreau is forever closed as far as he’s concerned. If Morgan brings it up, he’ll pretend he’s over it, but anyone else better shut the fuck up or they’ll find out what the little-seen but much-feared Jackson Sinclair temper looks like.

WRITING SAMPLE

The day was muggy and overcast, which suited Jack’s mood. He needed to take a jog or something, but getting out of bed felt like too much work. The other side of the bed (he still couldn’t sleep in the middle even now) was empty, but he reached over to it anyway. There was no warm spot left, because no one was there, or had been there for quite some time, but he liked to pretend when it was still too early for him to register the ugly truth. Fuck, he was a drama queen. Never could get over the women who left him. His therapist would probably chalk it up to the abandonment of his mother, but Jack distrusted anything that blamed her when she’d only been doing her best. He still went to every session, and tried to talk things out, because walking around with unresolved shit was just a way to take it out on the wrong person, but part of him balked at the whole process. Irish macho bullshit, of course, but hey, hard to shake your roots, right? At least he wasn’t a drunk, or worse, though he never looked down on anyone who was. Well, guys who ditched their families to fuck around and bitch about their problems, yes (thinking of Kieran O'Connell, he made a mental note to have a word with him), but otherwise, he had a lot of sympathy. Life was hard, and not everyone got to grow up loved and cared for like he had. If you didn’t learn coping mechanisms, you just took the first thing that made life easier, and then that became your coping mechanism. Christ, if anyone heard his thoughts, they’d call him a pussy. It was hard being self-aware surrounded by the Irish. Even Freud said they were immune to therapy.

Dragging himself out of bed, he grabbed a pack of cigarettes and lit it by habit, not even fully conscious, or maybe still in that state between being awake and asleep when your mind is awake but your body isn’t. Or vice versa, who the fuck knew anyway. He should ask someone smarter than him about that. Those thoughts immediately led to Piper, but he shoved them extremely deep down, where they couldn’t touch him except in his dreams. The fucked up shit was even in his dreams, she treated him like shit, and he still didn’t want to wake up. More things to talk about with Dr. Brown. Cigarette clenched between his teeth, Jack padded around the apartment, noting idly that Paityn was sleeping on his couch again. He kept telling her to just use the guest room, but he supposed she liked it better in here. Stroking her hair gently, he tucked her in better and carefully adjusted her pillows so her neck wouldn’t hurt. In being so careful, he almost missed Shiloh on the floor, curled around a series of pillows, which made him grin and go looking for another blanket. The Sinclair siblings were a close-knit crew, often travelling in pairs or packs when danger lurked. Even if the only danger came from inside the mind of the baby of the family. Looked like he was skipping his jog and making waffles instead. Oh well. He was past forty, jogging was hardly gonna change that he wasn’t 25 anymore.

The kitchen was pristine, though that was more thanks to his cleaning lady than Jack himself. Still, he moved around in it with more confidence than any of the guys he was in charge of, who all seemed to live off of take out and food that only required a microwave. They hadn’t had Evelyn for a mother, or his grandparents, who’d all taught him that kitchens were fun, and food tasted better when you cooked it yourself and it had real ingredients in it. He tiptoed around the place, starting coffee and getting the ingredients for the waffles together without making anything more than a whisper of sound. He looked like the kind of man who stomped everywhere, but Jack had never cared for loud men. He found being silent had as much of an effect, and he didn’t like to startle people. Well, unless he had to, but that was work. In life, he preferred to walk softly and leave the big stick at home. There was a chorus of mews, and he looked down at Bedknob and Broomstick, the two alley cats that considered his apartment at least one of their bases of operations. He dragged them to the vet and bought them soft cat beds and even braved washing them when they got into something foul, but they were almost contrarily wild, in spite of all his efforts. He adored them anyway, and poured out the fanciest cat food they were willing to eat into two dishes while assuring them quietly that they were both garbage monsters. His fondness for stray animals was one of those things that Morgan was allowed to joke about, because he was Morgan and they were brothers before anything else, and no one else was allowed to mention. One of his guys had taken a pot shot at a stray dog once. Everyone still talked about that day, though not in Jack’s hearing.

The waffles were sizzling in the iron and the coffee was percolating in the elegant machine that Penny had bought him for his last birthday when he heard stirring from the other room. Paityn hovered in the doorway, always unsure in any space regardless of how many times Jack made her welcome. Scooping up Bedknob, the more cuddly of the two, Jack came over and kissed the top of her head, handing off the cat and nudging her back towards the couch. “Breakfast’ll be up in a bit, Scout. Go'n wake up that degenerate brother of yours. Tell'em he ain’t a dog, he can sleep on the furniture if he wants to.” He’d introduced his nieces, and Shiloh, to Sailor Moon, and had willingly watched the seemingly endless episodes with them when they were children, and they’d been the Sailor Scouts to him ever since, though Paityn was the only one who still allowed the nickname. He’d been the one to take them to their first R movie, and taken them all out for rides on his motorcycle, their little arms clutching his sides so tight it hurt, though he’d have rather eaten his tongue than told them to stop. He’d been the one they called or texted when they were too shitfaced to remember how to get home, or were at a party that had gotten a little too weird, or had made the kind of youthful mistakes that seemed world-ending and could never be confessed to their parents. Grabbing up a plate of waffles, he headed into the living room, telling Shiloh to get his ass off the floor, was he raised in a barn, all while handing the boy a mug of coffee just the way his nephew took it. From the outside, his life might appear lonely, but Jack had family, and that was all that mattered. And who knew, maybe he’d finally talk Shiloh into coming for a jog with him. Stranger things had happened.

[twinkledadwa]

Twinkledad’s #2

Dear Twinkledad,

Am I moving on too fast? I just got out of something super toxic... and not even 10 days later I’m hooking up with someone I just met. My ex really damaged me and I don’t know if I’m doing this to distract myself or if I’m really ready. I feel bad bc this new kid is very sweet and I don’t want to lead him on but also as of right now its just friends with benefits. also I’m talking to a old flame. I just feel lost and like I need a second opinion.

Anonymous.

 Dear Anonymous,  When I answered this question on air, I ran into a few technical difficulties with Serato. As a result, the first song had the audio quality of Never Meant earrape once it finally played. I hope it wasn’t too abrasive! Logan was a big fan of it, though.

 So. 

 Here at Twinkledad’s, we support healthy sex lives. The act of hooking up with someone, even right after a breakup, is completely okay. You have this freedom and it’s in your right to use it. Where you should be careful is your intent behind this FWB relationship. What are you getting out of it? Is it sex for the sake of sex, or are you reaching for something deeper?

 It is wholly possible you could be wanting the “emotional intimacy” often associated with relationship sex. That could be trouble for you and the other party involved.

 Toxic relationships, from common knowledge and experience, can leave a lot of emotional trauma. Now is the time for you to learn how to heal. Finding healthy coping mechanisms is a trial-and-error process. That is what essentially takes up most of the timetable for moving on; once it clicks, and you’ll know when, it’s a matter of days from then.

 The question could be, “am I trying to move on too fast?”.  Forcing yourself to move on, actively or subconsciously, does not allow you the respect you deserve. Applying what was previously said to your specific question, you could be ignorant to what your emotions need right now. Likewise, if your FWB or old flame are not on the same page as you, they could become more attached than you are. No one’s at fault for this. You’d be coping and that’s reasonable.

 You simply asked for a second opinion, and probably didn’t want this long of a response. To give an answer to your original question, yes, I believe you are. I know nothing beyond the question you’ve sent in, but I really wish you the best with everything.

 “Anniversary Song” was chosen for its subject matter. The entire album, Just Married, is a very bitter and real portrayal of breaking up, moving on, and dying angry. 

 “Heathers” is not only catchy, but (possibly) about a booty call. It is a fun introspection about staying up all night and needing someone to talk to.

Glocca Morra - Anniversary Song

Insignificant Other - Heathers

Dear Twinkledad,

How do I apologize to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me? Is there a way where I can apologize without it being self serving?

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

 In essence, I feel like this is impossible.

 There’s nothing wrong with that. You should give your interests and the other person’s interests the same amount of respect. It is difficult when you have genuine regret over something and you can’t necessarily go across portraying that when the other person, reasonably so, is hurt/upset/any sentiment that results in them not wanting to talk to you. 

 Apologizing right now, in this situation, will realistically be seen as self serving. In Moral Philosophy we discussed the concept of psychological egoism. Egoism is pretty different from selfishness, as egoism is acting in one’s self interest with wisdom, charity, and kindness towards others. Common critique brings up the possibility that other interests (in this case, the feelings of the other person) could be prioritized and therefore egoism can’t be achieved. Yet a lot of classmates, including myself, argued for all actions being inherently self-interested. Apologizing to your person, how would you consider it? Are you apologizing because they are hurt, or because you miss them?

 That’s not to imply you don’t feel regret. We’re humans, philosophy was never meant to be taken as universal truth. It’s to suggest a possible answer on whether or not it would be self serving.

 I suggest waiting for them to reach out. They could not be fully over what happened, and that’s straight chilling. I’m sure they recognize how you feel. One point in the future will come a time where both of you are on the same page in the same book. 

 “Weird Dream, Conscious Stream” was chosen because A.) I Hate Sex is stellar and B.) suggests an impossible reality for the narrator where the subject and other coexist.

 “Do You Still Hate Me?” was chosen because of the title. According to Hugh, one of the best songs ever.

 “I’m Here for The Pizzah Partie” was an obvious choice. Very obvious. Glaringly obvious. Fact. It’s fact.

I Hate Sex - Weird Dream, Conscious Stream

Jawbreaker - Do You Still Hate Me?

Two Knights - I’m Here For The Pizzah Partie

Dear Twinkledad,

I’m becoming more aware of my sudden anger and sadness outbursts. but I’m scared to go and get checked out bc I don’t want to be drugged up or I guess Face the music.

Anonymous.

Anonymous,

 Let’s say you do get checked out. If you have a mental health diagnosis, good news! You have a mental “illness”. 

 Downside: you are stuck with this for the rest of your life. 

 Upside: you have all the time in the world to learn how to cope with it. 

 Getting checked out does not mean you’ll be drugged up. If you are of age, that’s entirely in your control. There are routes of dialectical behavior therapy (or just normal therapy) you can take. Nobody’s necessarily pro-medication in all situations. It’s hard not to have some ignorance of mental health problems if you don’t have the problem for sure. Take whatever path you feel best suits your needs. 

 We are not our diagnoses. However, it can be of great help to recognize your shitty behavioral ticks and understand why you have them. The start of your question implies you have been aware of specific behavior for some time now. With that, you have already begun to face the music. If you do decide to get checked out but give it a lot of time, a diagnosis could feel like a no-brainer to you. In fact, it could be a weight lifted.

  Misdiagnosis can happen. Wrong meds, taking the medication, can happen. It’s part of coping, it sucks major ass. Time will come where mental health can feel worse than ever and like it is inescapable. The important thing is keeping your head up. I really hope you find the answers you want and or need.

 I chose “As Cool As An Attempted Suicide”, beyond what the name suggests, for its energy. It’s a fun song for its subject matter. Being sad is not necessarily always bad.

 “Why Am I Not Going Under Water?”/Snowing as a whole was an emotional crutch for me when I went through similar struggles. Galm’s vulnerability made me realize I was not alone, and hopefully it does the same for you too.

Leer - As Cool As An Attempted Suicide

Snowing - Why Am I Not Going Underwater?

Dear Twinkledad,

I've never really been in a real relationship my whole life, haven't even lost my virginity. It bothers me more than it probably should, but I feel almost desperate for a more than just a platonic relationship with someone. Wanna be able to have somebody to kiss/cuddle but seem to screw up every opportunity to have something good with someone.

Anonymous.

  Anonymous,

  A few weeks ago, I matched with someone on Bumble. We had this conversation:

 “Heyy”

 “Sorry, my mom said I can’t talk to girls.”

 “Damn that’s crazy my dad said I can’t talk to boys *frowny face emoji*”

 Then I left her on Read. Point being, everything will be okay.

 Virginity is frustrating, in theory and in practice. It shouldn’t be a crime to not be sexually active or never had a serious relationship. Yes, love is great. However, one thing you’ll most likely learn when you experience love, because you will, is you can live without it. How we’ve constructed what virginity means has set pretty high expectations of what sex is like. In actuality, it’s pretty mediocre. Fun, but as you continue to open the bag of magic sex tricks, you’ll have plenty of mixed experiences. It is not a necessity by any means.

 Love, on the other hand, is uncomfortably tied to our values. For a lot of people, having a family is their primary goal in life. I’ve seen this referred to as “honorable” multiple times as multiple people. What it does, subsequently, is pressure people into viewing sex and love as an accomplishment the same virginity does. Falling in love is an awesome feeling. Falling out of love is a terrible feeling. Experiencing neither does not put such a great weight on your shoulders like love does. To quote Quarterbacks, “love is situational”. You’ll have it. No way in hell you haven’t. The situation has yet to arise.

 Dating apps are not worth it. Love is a feeling, right? There’s no need to force it. If you are relatively new in experience, your perception of love can be greatly skewed. I’m sure, whoever you are, you are in safe hands. You’ll be carried into the world of sex and love naturally, not at your own will, where it’s inevitably messier.

 Once YOU, not anyone else, are satisfied with your romantic life, please send a message back. I wish you the best of luck knowing you have it, and just want you to be happy.

 With a lot of music, worlds tend to be created through the instrumentals and not the lyrics. “Hardly Art” always forces a great sense of introspection and how I handle myself in situations of co dependence whenever it comes on.

 “Try to Sleep”’s vocals, lyrics, and stripped back, lo-fi production echoes loneliness from all fronts.

 Closer - Hardly Art

 Attic Abasement - Try To Sleep

[gaiatheorist]

Domestic Abuse Consultation.

(I’ve been ‘quiet’ for a few days, the work-thing has taken a turn for the terrifying, and I’ve been in shut-down self-preservation mode.)

It’s the first Saturday of half-term, which doesn’t really ‘count’, because I’m still off sick, but the ‘school holidays’ and the UK PM’s announcement of plans for a 12-18 month consultation on streamlining laws on domestic abuse have struck a chord with me. Work-head wonders what will happen in those vulnerable families, while there’s no ‘school’ to get involved. Now-head remembers how cut-off I used to be during school holidays. Before-head, long-before-head remembers what it was to be a child in a family where DV was ‘normal’.

The ex wasn’t physically violent, but the relationship was coercive. “It was just the way he was raised.” is excusing him, but it doesn’t excuse me, and I need to be very careful not to fall into battered-wife territory, I terminated and exited that relationship. I am better than my mother. I had frequent conversations with my son, about ‘not all relationships are like this’, in an attempt to prevent him seeing the alpha-male-skew as ‘normal’. I tried, but it was difficult to balance the not-asking-him-to-pick-sides element. He was probably 16 when I told him I wanted to end the relationship, and asked him whether he wanted to live with me, or his Dad. That was awful, and his response at the time was utterly perfect. “Neither, really.” 

Unpicking 20 years of ‘this will have to do’ is futile. I married a man who thought the world revolved around him, when I was in no way mature enough to make a for-life decision. I jumped, from my abusive and dysfunctional ‘family’ life, and tried to make a new one. I wasn’t ready for that, I wasn’t ready for the wedding, when we’d been together just over a year, or the pregnancy that happened six months after that. 20 years of ‘this will have to do’.

He was always right, and what he said was what was going to happen. He was used to having his own way, and, as I grew into myself, extracted myself from his shadow, I started to resent that, and him. “Get out.”, that’s what people say to people who disclose imbalanced relationships like mine, it’s not always that easy. “Talk to him.” is another thing people say, but that didn’t work, either, because it would always end with him telling me he wasn’t happy, and asking me to ‘try one more time’. “Suck it up.” is another prevalent theme, the woman wanting a divorce after 39 years of marriage-that-isn’t in the news has spurred a whole slew of articles on ‘try to work through it’. The ‘empty shell’ relationships, and the accusations that the ‘wife’ in question is motivated purely by financial gain, that her unhappiness counts for nothing, because she signed a bit of paper nearly four decades ago.

No marriage, no relationship is 100% happy all of the time, there will be peaks and troughs, and decisions on whether to keep trying, to live in companionable isolation, or to end it. Each couple will make the decision between them.

Except in the case of coercive control, where one partner is dominant for whatever reason, whether that’s emotional, financial, or physical. I’m not going to woe-is-me about having no assets or savings, or support network, I allowed that to happen, and it took years to gather the strength to say “No.” Some people never find that strength, some of those are the 2 women a week killed by domestic violence or ex-partners, and some are still existing in the wraith-state I inhabited for so long. 

Yes, the PM’s plan is encouraging, that, at the end of the 12-18 month consultation there will be co-ordinated resources and support, but the controlling nature of domestic abuse means that a huge proportion of victims won’t report it. I saw years and years of my mother not-reporting. I was one of those children that flinched at raised voices, and knew that my mother and father would both beat my brother and I relentlessly, physical violence was their normal, so it became mine. I was probably five, or six, when I wrote “My Mum has a black eye, my Dad gave it to her.” in my ‘daily diary’ at primary school, my teacher tore the page out of the book, and told me “We don’t say things like that.” Thank you, Catholic Church, for instilling non-disclosure as the norm, leading to me not-disclosing other things for far too many years. The 1980s, the ‘behind closed doors’ mentality, which did seep-through into the 1990s, where the police would be reluctant to intervene in incidents they viewed as ‘domestic’. 

‘Hidden harm’ wasn’t a consideration, as my brother and I watched our mother covered in blood and snot, as our father, and then our step-father beat her. We watched her cover the bruises in make-up, and not-report, because that was her version of normality, and our father’s and our step-father’s. Women were chattel, and, if dinner wasn’t ready, or right, if she’d spoken to another man, or, if they just felt like it, she would be battered. Then she’d batter us, because she didn’t know any other way. I can’t remember exactly how old I was when my brother attacked me, I nearly lost a front tooth, which still causes me pain when the weather is cold. My mother kept me off school until the worst of the swelling and bruising had gone down, an echo of all the scars I have from childhood, when my dad wouldn’t let her take me to the hospital with wounds that could have done with stitching. 

Children don’t come through that unscathed. Even where there are no children to consider, the abused party doesn’t come through that unscathed. I can’t assume to know why my mother continued to be a victim, I have my theories, but it should never have been down to my brother and I to call the police, and then try to stop our step-father getting back into the house when they let him back out. Toxic triangle right there, folks, domestic violence, alcohol misuse, and poor mental health on my mother’s part. (Most likely on the father-figures’ parts, too, it’s not ‘normal’ to batter another human being like that.)

Every victim of domestic abuse will have their own back-story, their own ‘reasons to stay’. I’m a very mild case of that, his perceived-superiority knocked me down into a state of half-believing myself inferior. Only ever half, though, and that’s why I’m out, I identify as ‘survivor’ not ‘victim’. I had nowhere to go, years of money-issues have left me with nothing, I wavered for far too long, wondering if I could pay the bills. I had nobody to turn to, because his controlling-tantrums if I mentioned anyone’s name more than a couple of times meant that I cut-off anyone I could have asked for help, rather than face another night of hissed-accusations. I had no faith in myself, because he eroded it all away, my job wasn’t a ‘proper’ job, my books were ‘clutter’, my ideas were ‘stupid’. He had a need to be alpha-dominant, and all the years I spent playing-wife fed into that, no wonder he was so put out when I ‘stopped trying’.

We, as a society, can’t keep up the ‘behind closed doors’ mentality, but it’s not an easy thing to change. There was a case, at work, years ago, where someone raised concerns about a ‘jumpy’ female colleague, and we, collective of concerned human beings, and professionals, couldn’t do a thing about it. No complaint, no concern. There is absolutely no precedent for initiating that conversation, that “Are you scared of him?” (In this case it was a hetero-partnership, and it was the female that was flagging concerns.) conversation. ‘We’ just had to lay the bait and wait for her to come to us. She didn’t.

The PM’s assertion that she will bring together the fragmented bits of law that can be applied, to make the framework more robust, and actions more clear and timely, it’s admirable, but it’s also vast. It’s very easy for someone on the outside to say ‘get out’, or ‘ask for help’, but, when you’re in an imbalanced relationship, it’s not that linear. That feeds the monster, and, every time you ‘try again’, every time you ‘take them back’, because you don’t know how else to live, your position is weakened. The perpetuation of that cycle leads to poor mental health, and quite frequently poor coping mechanisms. On it goes. Some wit will link domestic abuse to the ‘50 Shades’ phenomenon, and the un-battered, un-gaslighted moral majority will pipe up that people should ‘just leave’, to be countered by the ultra-moral argument that marriage is meant to be for life. It will be the usual bun-fight, while global events continue to terrify us all.

12-18 months to consult on something that causes significant harm, and life-long suffering.