#with content like this it's truly not a phase mom

[kindahoping4forever]

📸: Ryan Fleming

[kiwwia-wiwwia]

God Must Hate Me

A call to your mother goes horribly wrong. Luckily, Matt is there to help you pick up some of your broken pieces.

Listened to God Must Hate Me by Catie Turner and decided to project into my writing!

Matt murdock x reader, hurt/comfort, bisexual!reader Word count: 1.8k Warnings: swearing, religious trauma lol, self-loathing, implied CSA EDIT: I know Catholicism is a part of Christianity!!! This is just based on my parents and how they talked about other denominations :)

Your shoulders shook as you slid down the wall, silent sobs wracking your body. One hand was clutching your phone, the other clapped over your mouth, desperate to contain any noise that might slip out. Sinner, your mother had called you. Hedonist. Sodomite. Her words looped over and over in your mind, drowning out all other thoughts. 

You wouldn’t have called in the first place had it not been for your sister. She texted you the night before saying that she was back home caring for your elderly father who had caught the flu. She said that your mother wouldn’t stop talking about you, complaining that you never called, that she didn’t know anything about your life. You spent that night tossing and turning, contemplating whether it was worth getting back in contact with her. Your relationship with your mother had always been strained, considering the abuse you endured in your childhood, but you didn’t hate her. You couldn’t. You felt a sense of guilt in pushing her away, as if you were abandoning a debt you owed.

What pushed you over the edge was a text from your father this morning. 

Hi pumpkin. I miss your smile. I’m a little under the weather, and I’d love a visit from my girl. Hope all is well. Love, Dad.

Despite everything your mother had put both of you through, you and your father were always close. You had talked to Matt, sharing your dilemma. On one hand, you didn’t really want to speak to your mother. On the other hand, your father was getting old, and you didn’t know how many more visits you had with him. He had always been delicate, getting sick easily and hurting himself by accident. He was also the only person besides your sister who truly understood you until Matt, and you missed him.

“Give them a call,” Matt suggested. He looked so beautiful, his hair catching the sunlight from the window and his body draped over the armchair. His hand lazily grasped a mug, steam drifting up from the warm coffee. “If the call goes well, go over and visit. I’ll come with you, if you want.”

You chewed on your lip anxiously. “And… if it doesn’t go well?” Your fingers picked idly at the rug below you. You were seated on the floor, resting your head against his leg as you sipped your tea. This was your unofficial weekend tradition, the two of you seated in this position while you talked about… well, whatever you needed to talk about. Anything that didn’t get brought up during the week, a dream one of you had, a funny story you had from work. Mornings like this were sacred, the peace and domesticity somehow washing away any other worries. In these moments, nothing else existed except you and Matt, your own little corner of heaven.

He ran his hand through your hair, slowly and deliberately raking his fingers over your scalp until you sighed in contentment. “Then I’ll be here for that, too,” he hummed.

Now, you found yourself wishing you had never said anything in the first place. All you wanted was to talk to your parents, check up on them, maybe even test the waters of a possible visit. Instead, you were berated for your lifestyle, called a whore and a sinner and told you were destined for hell. 

“And how’s your love life? Have you finally found a nice man or are you still in your lesbian phase?” You bristled at the comment, knowing your mother never took your sexuality seriously. Your coming out had been a disaster and had resulted in you staying with a friend for two months because your mother couldn’t stand the sight of you. “I’m bisexual, mom, that’s not a phase. But… yeah, I met someone,” you admitted. Your mother scoffed on the other end of the line, which you pointedly chose to ignore. “His name is Matthew, he’s a lawyer here in Hell’s Kitchen.”

“Such an awful name for a city. Why do they call it that, anyways? It couldn’t have been heaven’s kitchen?” You kept quiet, doing your best to push off the inevitable argument as your mother plowed on. “It’s good that you’ve come to your senses and met a boy. Where does he work? Is he Christian? Does he want kids?”

You rolled your eyes, trying to keep the irritation out of your voice. “He runs his own firm, Nelson and Murdock, he’s actually over there right now to grab some paperwork. I don’t know if he wants kids, we haven’t really thought about it. I only just moved in with him, and no, he’s not Christian. He’s Catholic, goes to mass every week.” There was a long silence before your mother finally spoke again.

“You… you moved in? As in… you live together?” Her tone was as if you had just told her that you shoved someone off of a building. “Yeah, I was staying over so much that we figured it wasn’t worth spending money on an apartment I don’t live in.” You arched a brow at her sharp intake of breath. “Mom? You okay?”

“Honey,” she said, her words dripping with venom. “Are you having sex with this man? Before marriage?” You couldn’t help the choked laugh that escaped your throat. “Mom, it’s not the 1800’s anymore. People have sex and move in with each other, it isn’t a crazy concept. My sex life isn’t really any of your business, though.” She made a sound of indignation, her voice an octave higher than when she last spoke. “That is no way to talk to your mother! I can’t believe you would be such a sinner, after everything I worked so hard to teach you. This behavior is disgusting, you know that? Only whores engage in such hedonistic acts.”

You stiffened at her words, years of religious teachings and long hours spent in churches creeping into your mind. Memories of wooden switches and Sunday School songs wrapped their tendrils around your throat, threatening to choke you until you had to plead with God for mercy. You took a gulp of air, trying desperately to keep your voice steady as tears pricked your eyes. “Mom, I’m not going to let you make me feel bad for the way I live my life, especially regarding something as small as who I’m spending my nights with. I just called to see how you and dad are doing, but if you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine. I have other things to do anyway.” Her voice pierced through your phone’s speaker before you could hang up, your name spat from her lips like it was something profane. “All I ever did was try to raise a nice Christian girl, and this is what I get in return? A slut that sleeps with women and men before she’s even married? A sodomite? And he’s Catholic! You know catholicism isn’t biblical, how many times have I told you to stay away from non-Christians?” Tears were streaming down your face at this point, recollection of the confession of your treatment at the hands of the local pastor resulting in beatings. For some reason, you could only form a response to the last part of her rant. “After all of that, catholicism doesn’t seem as bad,” you said dryly.

“If we weren’t on the phone I’d smack you across the face for that. Don’t bother calling again. I’m not interested in hearing the lifestyle of a hellbound heathen.” The call ended with a dull beep, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

You distantly registered the sound of the door opening, footsteps coming down the hallway and making their way to where you were outside of the bedroom. Matt knelt in front of you, his unseeing eyes wide with concern. Your name fell from his lips as he cupped your face in his hand, lightly tracing his thumb along your cheek. “What happened? Was it your mom?” All you could do was nod as another sob escaped you. Desperate for some kind of comfort, you reached out your arms in a silent request. He complied without hesitation, drawing you into his chest and letting out a sad hum as you gripped his shirt, clinging to any semblance of stability.

“What do you need, love?” he asked softly, his fingers gently running up and down your spine. “Do you want to talk about it?” You instinctively shook your head and then paused, reconsidering. “I don’t… I don’t know why she still affects me the way she does,” you croaked. “It’s like every time we talk, I’m a scared little kid again.” Your voice dropped to a whisper, shame making your words thick. “She called me a whore, Matt. Called me a heathen for moving in with you, said I was going to hell. There was more, some sexuality stuff and Catholic-shaming you, but that was the main point.”

Matt went rigid, his fingers abruptly stopping their soothing motions on your back. When he spoke, his voice was dangerously low. “She’s wrong, love. You know those are just lies, right?” You shrugged helplessly, keeping your eyes trained on the ground as you shifted your position, opening up the space between the two of you. “I’m not religious. Not anymore, not after everything I went through in the church.” You sighed tiredly, scrubbing your hand down your face. “But being raised the way I was… it sticks, y’know? That belief system is a part of who I am, whether I want it to be or not, and I can’t help but think… what if she’s right? I mean, I’m not exactly a saint. Usually I’m pretty good at rationalizing all this stuff, but man, God must hate me. I’m such a bad person, Matt.”

He physically flinched at that. “Don’t ever call yourself that,” he seethed. You jerked your head up to look at him, his anger taking you by surprise. His words were sharp, his tone dripping barely-concealed anger. “You are not a bad person for living your life.” You made a noise of protest but he quickly cut you off. “I don’t know what they drilled into your head to make you hate yourself so much, but none of it is true. You’re the most wonderful, kind, selfless person I’ve ever met, and God help anyone who makes you think anything different.” He pressed a kiss into your forehead and you managed a small smile. “I love you. So much,” he breathed.

“I love you too. Thanks for trying to undo my religious trauma even though you have enough of it for all of Hell’s Kitchen. Sorry for crying on your shirt.” He chuckled at that, helping you to your feet. “Nothing to apologize for, love. Now, let’s go to the store. We need to buy some eggs.”

You arched a brow. “We have eggs in the fridge. What are you up to, Murdock?” He smiled, a mischievous glint in his eye. “We have a house to egg, of course. Don’t tell me you’re above petty revenge?” 

You laughed, the tension in your body draining. God, you loved this man. “Of course not. I’m a good heathen, after all.”

[katiekatdragon27]

Guys, there is a severe lack of Sodascent content on this site and it irks me greatly. These are super self-indulgent lol.

Meet Dusty and Lucile Hansen-Euler. Lucy is a molotov cocktail and Dusty is a sand candle (like that one product that was shoved in my face for two weeks straight on Insta) They are 10 and 15 respectively, and they are a girl and demiboy.

Lucy is an excitable tomboy with a ton of explosive energy and a proactive mindset. She's always in everyone's business (if they let her) and is constantly egging on dangerous stuff. Half of the time she is the one doing said dangerous stunts. Her self-preservation is pretty low, but once she begins forming alcohol in her body instead of juice, she becomes more cautious. She still has a very unhealthy and worrying interest in fire.

Dusty, on the other hand, is a grumpy dude who's full of cringy preteen angst and a rebellious mindset. He's the guy to post stuff like "It's not a phase, Mom" and "The shadows are the only things that truly understand me" and other edgy quotes like that. He's also that kid that hates that his parents love him cuz he's a "how can I relate to these edgy characters when my family is so nice????" person. Also, his wick is burnt since I think that all candles have the ability to light up when feeling strong emotions (for him, usually anger).

Bryce is doing his darndest to be present in his kids' lives (parent issues) but tends to over-worry about them and comes off as strict as a result. Amelia is more laid back and calm of the two and is more inclined to trust her kids' decisions (good childhood), but she is the scarier of the two when she's mad.

(The dust bag above is my brother's character)^^

Take a wiiiiiiiild guess who's kids are the first two 💀

They'll get their own post eventually, I just have to finish their refs.

The ref sheet w/out shading and the sketch are below:

Have a good day bros 👍

[1waveshortofashipwreck]

Misc. Tag Game! ✨

thank you for the tags @ronald-speirs @panzershrike-pretz and @sharkboyandlavalieb !!!

Made by the amazing @ronald-speirs 💖

Favorite place in the world you’ve visited?

Hmmm I’m gonna have to go with when my mom, sister, and I all went to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday! It was so much fun and just an incredible experience 💕

Something you’re proud of yourself for?

Probably continuing my therapy journey! I’ve been in therapy continuously since I graduated in 2020 and I feel like I’ve made some good progress! I’m proud of myself for not giving up when things felt impassable

Favorite books?

Soooo i’m not too big on reading but something I will read over and over again is the fruits basket series!!!! That’s the only book series I’ve read in its entirety and I love every bit of it!!!

Something that makes your heart happy when thinking about it?

It’s not the dart scene at the start of replacements idk what you’re talking about

Favorite thing about your culture?

About being American? I guess just the fact that BoB is American 🤣

When did you join the HBO War fandom? What was the first show you watched?

Umm i think in April ‘23?? @dontirrigateme and I had just watched the x-men first class movies and wanted to watch more James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender, so of course we watched BoB… the world has never been the same

Have you read any of Easy Company’s books? If so, which ones were your favorite?

I’m trying to read Ambrose’s book right now, but I have Winters’ Beyond Band of Brothers, Guarnere and Babe’s book, and a couple others on my shelf!! (if anyone finds Webster’s shark book i promise you my first born for a copy of that)

Favorite HBO War character and your favorite moment with them?

Oh goodness there’re so many!!! Ummm well right now I’m going thru a Liebgott phase oml the man makes me FOAM AT THE MOUTH so I’m gonna go with when he tends to Talbert on the Night of the Bayonet, like Liebgott is known for his temper and fighting but here (and with Tipper) you can see he’s an absolute SWEETHEART AAAA I WOULD DIE FOR JOSEPH DAVID LIEBGOTT

Do you make content for any fandoms, if so; what sort of content?

I’ve just recently started writing for BoB!! I also have some Pokemon x BoB collages that I’ve made 🥰

Favorite actor/actress and your favorite film of theirs?

Johnny Depp hands down, and absolutely pirates of the caribbean, it’s just all-around lovely and whimsical and amazing (fun fact till like middle school i had no idea what Johnny Depp actually looked like because my only references for him were Captain Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka and they just did not look the same to me 🤣)

Favorite quote/s that you wish to share with others?

I think I’ve said this before, but it’s a quote from my blorbo Vincent Van Gogh, “I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.”

Random fact your mutuals/followers don’t know about you?

My dad’s retired Navy, so I grew up moving around until he retired when I was about 8!

If you’re a writer, do you need a beta reader (say yes so I can be your beta reader 🤭)?

ASDFDL I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A BETA READER

Three things that make you smile? (I’m watching BoB rn so this is about to be BoB momes)

“CURRAHEEEEEEE!”

“We salute the rank not the man”

“I’m John Wayne! The costume department set me up with these nice navy whites, what do ya think!?”

Any nicknames you like?

Honestly I just feel warm and fuzzy when given any nickname, I’ve been called Em, Emmy, Ems, my favorite might be “Yellow,” I’ve had three separate best friends give me this nickname just cuz they associate me with the color yellow and sunshine vibes ✨

List some people you love to see around on tumblr!

ASDJ:LKF THERE ARE SO MANY @dontirrigateme @panzershrike-pretz @ithinkabouttzu @executethyself35 @ronsparky @love--persevering @ronald-speirs @sweetxvanixlla @whollyjoly @xxluckystrike @venus-haze @thicccqueyoongimin @joetoyesbrassknuckles101 @neptunes-blue @ewipandora @hanniewinnix @sharkboyandlavalieb @footprintsinthesxnd @mutantmanifesto @jump-wings @malarkgirlypop @mads-nixon @blueberry-ovaries @coco-bean-1218 @b00ks1ut AND SO SO MANY MORE I'M SORRY IF I DIDNT TAG YOU I PROMISE I LOVE YOU

What would you do during a zombie apocalypse?

Cry and die probably

Favorite movie?

Bohemian Rhapsody, the Mummy, and Pirates of the Carribean, and the Blair Witch Project!

Do you like horror movies? YES!! Especially found footage movies!!

No pressure tags!! @dontirrigateme , @ithinkabouttzu , @executethyself35 , @neptunes-blue , @thicccqueyoongimin , @love--persevering , @jump-wings , @blueberry-ovaries and anyone else who wants to do this!!! 💖

[metalprompts]

*      ―      IT WASN’T A PHASE, MOM !  ( PART TWO. )

a collection of lyrics taken from my mostly myspace era nostalgia playlist. this one goes out to all the former emo kids.  some triggering content may appear.  as always, feel free to change and adjust anything as needed.

“ things happen but we don’t really know why. “

“ all these things i hate revolve around me. “

“ why can’t you just be straight up with honesty? “

“ i’m coming home. i’ve been gone for far too long. “

“ have i fucked things up again? “

“ my bed’s so cold and lonely. “

“ you’ve got me shaking from the way you’re talking. “

“ if i had common sense, i’d cut myself or curl up and die. “

“ if this is love, i don’t wanna be loved. “

“ if i could be the devil, you can be the sinner. “

“ you could be the drugs and i could be the dealer. “

“ everything you say is like music to my ears. “

“ i’ve got you under a spell and i don’t think i’ll be letting you out. “

“ if this is heaven, then baby i don’t wanna know hell. “

“ i could’a went to college like rich kids do. “

“ in rock n’ roll, i got a phd. “

“ we got all that we need, packed it up in the van. “

“ i ain’t got shit, but i got this far. “

“ it’s probably better we’re not together. “

“ we were so young and invincible. “

“ young love was such dumb love. “

“ our first kiss stole the breath from my lips, why did the last one tear us apart? “

“ we were just kids in love. “

“ you won’t try to save me. you just want to hurt me and leave me desperate. “

“ you taught my heart a sense i never knew i had. “

“ i bet you believe that i’m better off with you than someone else. “

“ i’m not your boyfriend, baby. “

“ i’m not your knight in shining armor. “

“ l-o-v-e’s just another word i never learned to pronounce. “

“ how do i say i’m sorry? ‘cause the word is never gonna come out. “

“ i’m so bored, your words aren’t making sense. “

“ one more drink and i’m convinced. “

“ it’s been hell not having you here. “

“ i’ve been missing you so bad and you don’t seem to care. “

“ i bet you’ve never had a friday night like this. “

“ i don’t want this anymore. the thought of you is no fucking fun. “

“ i’m tired of begging for the things that i want. “

“ if i leave, i’m alone. but what’s the difference when you beg for love? “

“ we fell in love and now we’re both alone. “

“ i know it’s hard, but who are you to fall apart on me? “

“ i still think you’re beautiful. “

“ i don’t ever wanna lose my best friend. “

“ i really hope you enjoy the show. “

“ hotels are cheap and there’s one down the street. “

“ i’m sorry, i can’t see that you truly love me. “

“ i don’t care if you’re sick, i don’t care if you’re contagious. i would kiss you even if you were dead. “

“ did you call me last night just ‘cause you couldn’t get laid? “

“ you’ve got me right where you want me. “

“ i know i’m a bastard, but i’m not a coward. “

“ why can’t you see what you’re doing to me? “

“ don’t worry, i’ve let you go long before you left me. “

“ nothing compares to a quiet evening alone. “

“ let’s be more than this. “

“ you wear your heart on your sleeve, i threw mine to the sky. “

“ when you use your lips, they better be on me. “

“ liars turn me on. “

“ it’s only a crime if i get caught. “

“ i can’t keep sleeping in your bed if you keep messing with my head. “

“ i can’t keep touching you like this if it’s just temporary bliss. “

“ don’t even talk about the consequences, ‘cause right now you’re the only thing that’s making any sense to me. “

“ i don’t give a damn what they say or what they think, ‘cause you’re the only one who’s on my mind. “

“ will you be mine tonight? “

“ i thought you knew that i was crazy. “

“ who the fuck do you think you are? “

“ i can never be a perfect fucking image of what you want. “

“ we’re dancing with the devil. he’ll drink you under the table. “

“ do you still want me? “

“ i won’t be angry if you have to leave. but i won’t be waiting. “

“ don’t say you’re sorry because i won’t believe you. “

“ i’ve tried so hard to be what you needed. “

“ i’ve tried for so long to make you believe that i’m not the enemy. “

“ i never wanted a partner and i never loved you. “

“ i never wanted a partner and i never loved you, so now you’re free to leave. “

“ i swear to you now, i won’t call. “

“ congratulations. go home now. “

“ stop talking to me. i haven’t been listening. “

“ music is dead thanks to you cunts. “

“ my only home is the bottom of a bottle and a rolled up bill. “

“ i am rock and roll at it’s fucking finest. “

“ self destruction is such a pretty little thing. “

“ don’t bother sleeping without one eye open wide. “

[fyrewalks]

a not-so-brief look at bob's early life and things pre-top gun, all in one post for your convenience!

his parents met at 19 and 23 at rit in ny, his dad was finishing up college. they started dating in october, by february she was pregnant, and by the end of the spring semester they were married. as rushed as everything had been, they truly love each other, regularly gush about it being love at first sight, and are still very much happily married.

they lived briefly with his maternal grandparents in ridgewood nj when stevie was born before moving when his dad started flight school

bob was born four years after stevie as his dad finished flight school and started his navy career as a fixed wing pilot in earnest

gracie was then born four afters that (bob 4, stevie 8) and his parents were really starting to feel settled in their lives at this point - despite their rushed start, they feel like they've finally done things "right" and "traditional", old enough now that the worst judgment for being young military parents doesn't phase them as much.

his childhood is largely happy, even with the constant moving (they bounced between virgina and florida, mainly) and his dad's deployments.

bob was always a shy, quiet child very much the opposite of his mom and sisters who are social butterflies, well suited for military life. while his sisters ran around the house with the other base kids, bob was content to help in the kitchen or hide out in his room with whatever electronic he'd been allowed to tinker with, legos, or whichever comic or show he was into at the time.

while his dad may at first appear quiet, at least compared to his wife, he's loud and the first to laugh when at home with his family and friends. he is, however, strict, reserved, and protective in a way that many military parents often are so bob's often struggled to read him.

growing up, they'd split summers between montanna at his paternal grandparent's ranch (stevie was the ultimate horse girl fyi) and his grandparents in ridgewood, who spoiled them endlessly

during a family vacation in ridgewood in january, a trip they took as an entire family before an upcoming deployment, stevie fell into the ice while they're out ice skating on a local pond. while she was initially resuscitated, she passes a week later. she was 14, bob 10 and gracie 6. his parents tried to be optimistic, shielding them from the worst by not being entirely truthful on how unlikely it was that she'd wake up again and keeping the kid's visits short; as a result, bob feels robbed of that time.

their house, which was once constantly loud and busy with activity, becomes quiet after they sit shiva. his dad is redeployed two months after stevie's death, unable to defer it further, and whatever success his mon had at holding their family together, crumbles. no large shabbat dinners where everyone from the neighborhood is invited; no more kids running around the house as the moms chat.

(@heartsbreaking quote wrecked me when were talking about this so must share it with you - like imagine having a big family with kids always doing SOMETHING and you can always hear someone somewhere and then suddenly you lose one of those sounds)

bob goes from helping around the kitchen to cooking meals, helping gracie get ready for school and then camp. two weeks into a local day camp, he breaks down in the middle of lunch, which sets off family counseling and support from their temple.

with help and time, they all adjust to their new family dynamic, but the damage is already done - bob was forced to grow up too soon, too fast and his mom depends on his help more than either realizes.

he also starts spending more of his summers at his grandparent's ranch rather than new jersey. bob likes the horses and, perhaps surprisingly, prefers the physicality of it. he enjoys working with his hands, though, bob quickly realizes he has no interest in taking over the ranch. no, he'd love to be up in the sky.

in the summer between middle and high school, bob comes out as gay. his dad doesn't hesitate; he's the first to hug his son and reassure him that everything will be alright, but while bob sometimes has trouble reading his dad's expressions, he doesn't struggle in the days after - as supportive as his dad is, there's no ignoring the plain fear in his dad's eyes inspired by the military's policies and attitudes towards gay men.

it's a fear that grows when bob starts to more openly express his interest in becoming a naval aviator.

they're lucky; they move back to jacksonville at the start of tenth grade so bob gets to enjoy a more traditional high school experience. he runs track, is popular among his clique of nerds by virtue of being top of the class, and is president of the robotics club. he also spends a good amount of time volunteering for a jewish family services organization.

don't be fooled, though, while he is largely mild mannered and follows his parents more tedious, over protective rules, he's easily talked into breaking some of them by gracie, more so once he's driving.

in an effort to dissuade bob from becoming a navy pilot, his dad allows him to take flight lessons at 17 so he can get his civilian license. it does the opposite - bob finishes high school with a navy rotc scholarship to mit. (his dad also spends some time encouraging him to go into intelligence, capitalizing on his love and interest in learning hebrew)

it's a tense summer, his dad is terrified both by bob being a gay man in the navy and just at the idea of losing their son. so is his mom, though her fear is more inspired by the danger of piloting. it culminates in a nasty fight, his dad threatening to cut him off should he go. so, bob goes and his mom follows his dad's lead.

bob's roommate invites him to some house party two days into term, and without the rules or any reason to say no, bob goes and finds that liquid courage makes him courageous instead of overanalyzing every word of every social interaction. and thus starts his spectacular spiral. he drinks, a lot, and sleeps around. he scrapes by in classes because he's the type of person who doesn't have to study too hard, and well, his rotc requirements are another story. bob manages, but he's not impressing anyone.

bob doesn't go home over winter break and when he stays in boston for the summer too, his parents realize he may not ever come back home again. it takes some time for them to mend their relationship, slower due to bob's drinking. as much as he tries to hide it from them and gracie, it's obvious.

while he does come home for winter break the next year, it's not his family that convinces him to stop drinking. one of his instructors sits him down when he returns to campus for the spring semester - he knows bob's been drinking, has lost a few part time jobs due to it, and with more than a few mentions to his father's successful career, outlines just how thoroughly he's screwing up any chance of accomplishing something similar. it's a real 'come to jesus' moment and it helps give bob the final push he needs.

it works, in part because bob's ready to change and because he also starts going to temple again, which in turn helps him build a healthy, if small group of friends and gets him involved in a few campus clubs (one of which he starts dating their final year of mit. they later mutually breakup a few months into flight school, neither interested in long distance.)

with sobriety, a few friends, and new interests comes clarity - bob's still very much interested in aviation, just no longer piloting. he likes the technical side of things and wso offers him the same satisfaction he'd assumed piloting would.

flight school was largely uneventful. he dated around casually but found it hard to date other service men just as it was hard to judge if civilians were interested in him beyond his uniform (and he was, and still is, reluctant to drag someone into this life).

bob also found it hard to fit in due to the drinking culture. while he becomes comfortable enough to have a glass of wine during shabbat dinner or pick out something that compliments a good meal, bob does not go back to social drinking and will not drink at bars, parties, etc. a single glass of wine with dinner is his limit.

he graduates flight school, gets assigned to a squad to the eagles and is quickly recommended to top gun despite his little experience and young age.

[theghostiedyke]

@molsno​ tagged me in a 20 q’s thing. it was originally a reddit refugee thing but now it’s just fun hehehehe

Name? lavi :) i also answer to ghostie :3

Pronouns and gender? they/she; my gender is dyke lesbian. like my sexuality is simply too tied to my gender to consider it otherwise. i am woman aligned because i am in love with women and other lesbians with fucked up genders

Sexuality? lesbian <3

Country? U.S. :/ (but also PR)

Top 5 fandoms? uhhh rn: LOZ, Bleach, Ace Attorney, im probably forgetting some. i’m quite picky with how i interact with fandoms too i like find my lil niche and stay there and ignore the big stuff. i always love when i find fellow queer or fans of color :>

What is your Most forbidden snack? squishies

Would you pet a bug? depends on the bug! it might be too small to be petted or might be something that scares me. i do like to photograph the non scary ones at work hehehe. (i.e. pollinators and or invasive but pretty bugs)

Share a weird fact/story about yourself with the class. i am suddenly blanking as if i am not constantly weird and awkward. i wouldn’t call this weird but more so enjoyable but i have now had two parties where i have had a autism moment with someone i am meeting for the first time on the couch. and we talk in depth about our shared interest. truly a melding of adhd (on my part) and austism (on the other persons part).

What does the color blue taste like? “blue raspberry slushies, my favorite flavor :3″ i am partially copying this answer from vivi! and adding on: blue raspberry dumdum lollipops.

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? idk if can only pick one thing! so many things are beautiful! Puerto Rico, women, a hibiscus I saw blooming the other day, my baby niece, fan art of a current hyperfixation, my baby nephew’s love of ladybugs, artbooks i bought at a convention

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done? only one?? anytime adhd tax has affected me lol, or when it took me literal years to realize two family members were specifically my first cousins from an aunt I never realized was a mom too lol.

Stupidest thing you've seen/heard someone else do/say? a professor asking me and coworker for a “boneless” book when i worked at a uni bookstore.

Hyperfixation song? currently so far so fake by pierce the veil but it might be changing soon

Is there any meaning behind your profile picture and/or username? my avatar is a lil piccrew of me and the username is now self explanatory but originally was a halloween variation back when ppl changed their usernames. it’s undergone many changes on whims lol.

Dream career as a child? i had a couple of different phases so: chef, fashion designer, interior designer, artist

Dream career as an adult? ehhh designer/artist. i’m content in my job rn i get to do enough of stuff i like and the work environment is good and i really like my coworkers.

Thoughts on cilantro? fresh! tasty! a perfect topping to savory foods!

Have you ever been banned from a location and if so, why? nope

What is your cursed food combination? hmmm i don’t think i have one? when i have like 0 groceries i sometimes experiment by putting different things in rice, like cheeses and sauce and condiments and cooking it with bouillon cubes. 

hmmm okie! i am tagging: @onequeerruffian @mothghhost @hitofthesearchparty

(no pressure though)

[belamuse]

Rethinking “Warrior” Culture: Why Life & Love Don’t have to be Hard.

I wore the title like a shimmering badge of honor upon my heart although it was more than a meaningful compliment. For most of my life, it was my identity.

An identity that served me well in that it helped me to survive complex trauma, but at 40 years old I’ve long reached the point where I’m ready to finally lay my inner warrior and her high drama, seemingly constant conflict and defensiveness to rest in peace.

As in, “And it is peace I give to you and peace I leave with you— ashes to ashes, dust to dust and thank you for your service.” Peace out.

Morbid though it may sound, I’ve simply outgrown the need to be in a state of combativeness.

My two most recent pieces I've written have brought me face to face with the reality of war culture permeating every human experience, from aging to disability.

Like buying a cherry-red Subaru and suddenly the freeway is crawling with the exact same car, now that I’m aware of it I can’t unsee it.

“F.U. Epilepsy” or one bold middle finger on a shirt with the epilepsy ribbon is the sentiment, or lack thereof, illustrated in this post. “Combat signs of aging!” The media aggressive approach to time that the media splashes all over advertisements for creams, serums, and lotions is the theme drawing attention to in the post prior to that.

I realize I might offend people who are encouraged to persevere by the David and Goliath narrative that permeates society, and that’s fine too because the problem with being offended is that you are playing offense, which puts someone else in the position of defense. It’s like an athletic sport but without the rules and regulations that distinguish friendly, safe competition from genuine barbarism.

I grew up watching Final Girls in 80s horror movies take down their antagonists against all odds, and watching a certain blonde teenager on TV “save the world… a lot.”

Female identified heroes were sparse in my childhood and adolescence, and I clung to any role model I could find to give me an example of femininity that didn’t shrivel up apologetically in the face of constant adversity in a patriarchal world.

And then I discovered music. Not me, personally— I didn’t put it on the map but I discovered music for myself by female artists who bolstered my courage and gave me a new identity in a female-driven utopia far removed from the infantilizing, mansplaining, pre-#MeToo society I grew up in during the 80s and 90s.

Like Fiona Apple, I was a “Shadow Boxer Baby.”

Like Tori Amos, I believed in “peace, B*tch!”

Like Shirley Manson, I couldn’t “use what I can’t abuse.”

Like Poe, I apparently grew up “mean” because someone messed with my dreams when I was little.

And like Gwen Stefani, I was ready to have the pink ribbon taken off my eyes.

But before all of that, there was the long overdue Riot Grrrl Movement challenging the sexist world of punk rock just south of my mom's hometown, in Seattle.

I do not for one moment regret the empowering messages my younger self internalized from my favorite female artists in all mediums. They showed a petite, young girl from a broken home that she literally had “A Fighting Chance” through what was, at the time, a revolutionary lens that has paved the way for so many women and female and femme-identified artists to come, as well as paved the way for not only content that would truly shatter the deeply embedded gender stereotypes of society but generate conversations and institute social change in life and legislation.

So what’s the problem?

There is a quote from Michelle Rosenthal, author of Your Life After Trauma: 

“Survival mode is supposed to be a phase that helps save your life—it’s not meant to be how you live.”

The problem is not art and it’s definitely not social justice; the problem for me was that I continued to experience the pressure of being a badass warrior long after it had served its purpose and when it hurt me and my interpersonal relationships due to the fact that I was (and still struggle with being) combative and defensive all the time. Being in a constant state of hostility and an “us or me against them” mentality did a number on my cortisol and adrenaline levels, and ultimately my central nervous system, which meant “taking the bull by the horns” and not letting PTSD “mess with the wrong woman” and “teaching it a lesson” by “showing it who’s boss,” even when this was 100 percent defeating my purpose and actually making my symptoms worse. Oh my!

The mentality that had helped me survive domestic violence, sexual assault, being unhoused, being an adult child of alcoholics, generational poverty, and more was suddenly destroying me.

I was literally foiling my own best efforts, or to use a more modern analogy, “Shooting myself in the foot.”

Swords and guns were the metaphorical violent accessories I wielded skillfully throughout the three decades prior to my life-saving brain surgery. And they worked. And I was applauded.

“I will survive” (Gloria Gaynor) because “I’m a survivor” (Destiny’s Child) and “stronger” (Britney Spears) and “a fighter” (Christina Aguilera) and all of the “Slay” Queen anthems that inspired Rocky Balboa training montage vibes that motivated me to “rise up to the challenge of our rival!” (Survivor)

You’re welcome?

I was out here in a custody battle, battling addictions and other so-called “personal demons.” Pow! Mental illness, I’m going to “knock out” my to do list and “tackle” my grey hairs while “crushing” my “unforgiving” morning workout before “attacking” my thesis and “whipping” my house into shape.

Yikes.

So much hostility. And for what? Why?

I’m no longer in harms way and I’m not sure how much I was actually accomplishing besides living in a perpetual state of fight or flight mode that hurt me in the long-term more than any of my adversaries, real or imagined.

Because that’s the thing: I was mostly at war with myself.

As the song goes, “there is a time for peace and a time for war, which is actually a biblical excerpt. I am grateful to all of the social justice “warriors” out there on “the front lines” as I was once as a “trauma-informed survivor leader” but I’m no longer interested in survival of the fittest being central to my identity.

The integrity of my beliefs hasn’t changed, but my approach to them has as I continue to learn to stop beating the war drums for no one in particular, take my armor off and shift from my sympathetic fight or flight nervous system to my parasympathetic nervous system in order to heal.

“The parasympathetic nervous system, also known as “rest and digest,” can be thought of as functioning in opposition to the sympathetic nervous system.” (1)

My old MySpace tagline was: “Walk softly and carry a machine gun,” a derivation of Theodore Roosevelt’s “walk softly and carry a big stick.”

These days, I just walk softly, sans machine guns and big sticks and I don’t “pound” the pavement either.

“You’ve gone soft” was always an insult in the working class, Boomer/Gen X culture of toxic masculinity that “made me” until I took back the night, and then, as time passed, learned to just lay down and go to sleep during it.

Going soft is one of the wisest, healthiest things I have ever done for myself and my loved ones. It’s also a journey, one that requires me to lay down my machete, which is not always easy as it leaves my heart open to wounding. My body doesn’t need me to beat it into submission, which would be completely unacceptable for anyone else to do to me or anyone.

And I don’t have to w-rest-le satisfaction from life.

Approaching my sons with an aggressive, authoritarian attitude just puts them on the defensive and results in a power struggle when we are all seeking connection.

Love needn’t be “tough.”

Life needn’t be “hard.”

And crying is extremely brave, powerful, and healthy.

“Researchers have established that crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain.” ~ Leo Newhouse, LICSW

Interesting how something so beneficial still has so much stigma and shame attached to it.

Though the warrior part of me got me this far and I am both grateful and extremely proud of myself for that, I’m also ready to release what no longer serves me: my “armed guard” being one of them.

I’m learning that it takes more strength to listen to and honor my body and its needs as well as the needs of my loved ones, to open myself to love as well as rejection, to embody the courage of daily living and practice healthy habits, cultivate patience, and laugh at myself.

Brook Siem wrote: “Happiness is a most rebellious act.”

I’ve learned that acceptance doesn’t mean rolling over and allowing myself to be abused, nor does it mean wallowing in my pain or, conversely, denying my negative emotions. I’m not advocating toxic positivity or denial.

Genuine happiness, for me, means accepting that life is a spectrum and not creating false expectations of perfection, setting boundaries while opening my mind and heart, making peace with my past, and realizing that not everything deserves my time, energy, or attention or even my response because I am not responsible for saving the world. Not even a little.

Whew!

Now I’m just taking care of my little corner of it and being kind to others in my pleather pants, Dr. Martins, and a friendly wink.

I would be completely remiss if I did not quote the brilliant Jaiya John:

“The softer she became with herself, the softer she became with the world, which became softer with her. She birthed a new generational cycle: Peace.” ~ ~

(1) National Library Of Medicine Physiology, Autonomic Nervous System Tyler LeBouef; Zachary Yaker; Lacey Whited. Last Update: May 1, 2023.

[erigold13261]

Random HCs of Pav and Gayatri (applies to both canon and the NSpideR AU)

Pav and Gaya became friends when Gaya was singing. Pav fell in love with her voice! The others… were afraid of her though.

Later, they realized that Pav wanted to be like cool boy like Gaya and vice versa. They were both trans! They chose each other’s names.

Gaya’s dad immediately accepted her because it all clicked for him, the clothes, the rejection to cut her hair, her friends mostly being other girls… Her mother… didn’t. She just said it was going to be a phase, and ignored her wishes. She was also afraid of her daughter’s powers, which she had no immunity to.

inspector Singh decided to fight to get full custody of his daughter to keep her safe.

he somehow succeeded, and now Gayatri barely meets her mother. (She has abandonment issues and anxiety though)

seeing how Pavitr makes his daughter happy, inspector Singh considers Pav to be his secondary family.

now, they were both in elementary school and quite content, but as they got older, people made strange jokes around them saying that “boys don’t have feeling for other boys if they aren’t gay.” Turns out they were both mspec.

After the rock revolution, things got much harder for Pav. His peers teased him for being the cousin of Eve, and started to fear he would “Diva Realm” them

those fears became true, and he accidentally used his powers on them.

this earned him a recommendation to go to Nueva York.

Pav was miserable in Nueva York for the first few weeks, barely talking to anyone but Gayatri, via video chats every night.

Hobie reached out to him, and asked how Eve was able to master her powers while not going to Nueva York.

This is all I have for them now…

1). She had absolutely thought she hypnotized him at first and refused to talk to him or get near him. After a while though, when the singing would have OBVIOUSLY not been affecting him though, and he still tried to hang out with her, that was when she started to let him in closer.

2). Oh that's really sweet! I like that a lot!

3). I for some reason felt like Gaya's mom isn't around at all (either died or left, forgot what I wanted to go with), but if she is around I can definitely see her being like this. Possibly having Gaya be mute or extremely quiet because of no immunity to her voice like her husband ended up having.

4). Good for him! Keep his daughter away from that awful woman (especially if she did what I suggested in keeping Gayatri quiet).

5). Poor Gayatri. At least she has a father who wants her and is absolutely willing to fight for her.

6). At first I do see Inspector Singh being hesitant to let Pav around, but like you said, after seeing how happy he made her, especially after the divorce, you better believe he was doing what he could to make sure Pav stayed in his daughter's life.

7). For some reason I always read mspec as "male spectrum" and not "multiple spectrum/multiple-attraction spectrum" and so think it's specifically a term for gay men. Anyway, wouldn't they be seen as a "straight" couple, or were people just being total asshats and accepting Pav as a guy while denying Gaya the label of girl. That's probably what it was.

8). There's probably rumors that Eve poisoned Pav's mind or that Eve ran away to NSR because of Pav being born. Like truly awful shit to try and make Pav feel bad (as well as him being unhinged or crazy like Eve). Literally anything to try and get under his skin.

9). The fears coming true in that instance probably made even more rumors spread and the ones already around just got bigger/more "real" to everyone. Pav is in an absolutely lose-lose situation with no outside help really coming (other than Gaya and Nueva York's "help")

10). More like a "strong recommendation" that Pav and his family couldn't really fight against (though thankfully Pav actually believed in this company and so went willing and wasn't giving the traumatizing forced to go to Nueva York option).

11). And yea, even if he did go willingly, he would still be miserable because of the culture shock, loneliness, and overall situation her was in sucking the joy out of almost everything.

12). Pav hadn't thought about how Eve had mastered them, but that was enough to make Pav snap a bit out of his depression and think a bit. It got him talking with Hobie a bit and the this is probably when Hobie starts to hint that Nueva York isn't actually going to help Pav without fully saying it yet (Pav is still in shock from everything and Hobie wants to get his trust before outright saying how shitty Nueva York is and to not trust it)

[au-tumn-al]

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

I uaually wouldn't post smth like this, but I'm honestly so appreciative for Tumblr these past 8(??) years. I was a very lonely kid growing up, and didn't have any friends, & wouldn't until going off to college in 2020; I didn't ever make friends on Tumblr (i had amino apps friends 💀💀💀😭😭😭😭😭) but for a long time, it would give me things to do. I had an outlet for literally every single fandom that I got into, especially Ace Attorney. I'm so, so happy that the series has matured with me, and even if we never get AA7, the localization of DGS 1 & 2 was an amazing note to end on. They are probably the best-written games in the series and I loved finally being able to play them after so many years.

When I was still making original content for Ace Attorney, I was kind of sad to think that when I grew up, I would stop my real-time playthroughs of Ace Attorney. I played through the entire first game in the original time that it happened back in 2016 (which is when the first game took place, canonically), and I knew I probably wouldn't do that by the time AJ rolled around in 2026.

Now those years are in reach. 2026 is only 2 ½ years away, and yeah, I probably won't play AJ like I did the first game. But I'm really happy that I never really grew out of my "phases" that I went through on Tumblr. I still love Ace Attorney, and it has remained my very favorite video game franchise through nostalgia alone, and have gone back to the series over the years. Getting into the series because of the announcement of PLvsAA was such a magical time. I had no idea that AA would become such a core part of my teenage years. I got into the series when I was 11 or so, and so I have literally spent half of my life alive loving Ace Attorney than not. And tbh, I'm really happy with that.

I've come a really long way in these past 8 years, and I can better appreciate how the 7 year time skip in AJ did so much to Phoenix lol. I was a very lonely 14 y/o, stuck in an abusive home. I lived day by day, and my mom insisted that I be homeschooled K-12, despite having such an unstable household & her deteriating health so she didn't even get up out of bed most days so I rarely left the house, except to go grocery shopping with her.

But now? I graduated college an entire year early, earning summa cum laude this past May. I met some honestly amazing people, and finally started making friends for the first time since I was 9. I had some fabulous mentors during my undergrad, and not being their students anymore was the hardest part about graduating so early. I'm still actually at my college now, since I'm working a residence job over the summer, but once it's over, I'm finally moving out. I have no idea what's going to come next, but I'm tentatively looking forward to it all.

Tumblr, for its bad reputation, never actually negatively affected me in the same way other apps did (amino was fucking traumatizing 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭), and for me, was exactly the kind of platform that it promised to be. I have loved growing up with it, and coming back to this blog every so often feels like coming home.

I know some of the followers of this blog have really been with me from the beginning, and I really, truly appreciate you. I still recognize your @'s, and they make me happy when I see them in my notifs every so often :) unlike literally every other social media, I have not thought once about closing this account, so I'll be here a while longer.

Who else is going to reblog my yearly Amathatober 5th XC2 post? 🤭

But that is to say: thanks, Tumblr. This platform has been good to me, and I'm so glad I joined it.

[seerofmike]

with everyone digging their talons into the apex lore recently, i wanted to zero in on something i think actively ruins the lore, but not enough people realize it or talk about it:

character motivations (and lack thereof).

i'm gonna ask ya'll a super simple question: what is mirage's character motive?

is it paying for his mom's dementia treatment? while a popular theory, it’s not entirely confirmed, and only implied in one line from a different character entirely. is it looking for his brothers? he seems to have accepted that they’re gone. is it looking for his dad? he honestly doesn’t really seem to care about him too much.

one could eventually come to the conclusion that maybe he just wants fame and fortune so he can have a better life with his mom, but that’s after stretching everything we know about him to form one solid character motive that isn’t actually in the story, or at least, explored.

and that’s the basis for half this post: lack of character motive.

what are some characters here for? helping people out? saving lives? chasing the best thrill? bringing honor? all technically motives, but all so vague that it doesn’t grasp you or leave you as interested as you could be.

[more under cut]

eventually, bloodhound’s motive of honor extended to bringing enough honor to get boone into valhalla, but it’s never actually said how they’ll do that. it just seems kind of pie in the sky. like, how does one determine when they bring honor to boone? will bloodhound decide that for themself? will they maybe realize they don’t need to be hung up on this boy from like years ago? don’t know. it’s so vague.

what’s wattson’s motive? like, her actual motivation? she doesn’t have one yet. some cool stuff is IMPLIED, with her father--but like, she didn’t join the games to find out any sort of truth, or get revenge, or anything. she just joined because she considers them family, and if anything with her father happens, maybe then it will become her motivation, but as of now: none. 

some characters HAVE a motivation or a clear ‘end goal’ to their story--actually, change ‘have’ to ‘had’. that’s another issue. some characters reached the goal of their story too early.

pathfinder was introduced with his motive being to find his creator. well, we found out who pathfinder’s creator(s) are, and now he has a totally new one: find his son.

wraith’s thing was discovering her identity and finding out who she is. in season 6, she gets handed this information. literally. she does nothing for herself and mirage just gives her a file with her name on it. her ‘goal’ has been reached prematurely, with little actual input from her. it just happened to her.

loba joined for revenge, and she gets it. she throws revenant’s head in the phase runner, kicks his ass, and seems satisfied. now, technically that’s not the end of it, and there’s more revenge to maybe be had considering rev can never truly go away and he’s intent on killing someone she loves. but right now? loba seems really content with where she is. it kind of feels like she thinks she’s gotten her revenge. so her goal: achieved. for now. she’s just kind of hanging around, currently.

horizon: needs to return to her son. finds out in her debut season that she does end up doing it. we see her end goal achieved, and though we still wonder how she did it, we know she does it, and we found out shortly after her release. there’s no tension in her story now relating to her motive, to be quite honest. her goal: technically achieved, but achieving still in the works. (time travel--It’s Complicated(tm)!

on the flip side, other characters have a motive, and haven’t achieved it yet, but are moving at a SNAIL’S PACE to get anywhere with it.

crypto’s goal of exposing the syndicate and getting his old life back? mila ??? on PAUSE for relationship drama with wattson.

revenant’s revenge and systematic takedown on hammond ??? on PAUSE for relationship drama with loba.

bangalore getting back home ??? on PAUSE. kind of never really brought up after the first couple of seasons. her motive now seems to be finding her brother (possibly as a part of her larger goal) and to be honest, i think it’s the best we have right now in terms of motivation. like, it took us. several. seasons to get there...but there seems to be small developments in it with every season. incremental development towards an end goal. that’s better than most characters.

anyways, this is getting kind of long, but the point is--the reason apex often feels so empty and dry at times despite things technically happening, or messy and confusing and frustrating because ‘too much’ is happening--is because motives are all over the place. some endings are seemingly achieved too early--and it’s likely that those were never their real motives or arcs to begin with, but hell, the story sure did represent them as such for a long period of time, and when they achieve their ‘end goal’ and suddenly get a new one (or worse, meander around for a bit) it just feels. Bad. it feels empty and rushed. 

characters with little motivation waiting for something to happen to them feel just as bad. wattson could eventually have a motive if she finds out something happened to her father--but that is plot happening to her. not her actions moving the plot forward as it should with a character arc. same thing for rampart--rampart doesn’t actually seem to give a shit about big sister, like, it’s explicitly stated she’s just not the kind of person that really cares for revenge and stuff like that. so the big sister plot we’re all interested in? isn’t really her motive, end goal, whatever word you wanna use for it. and again, if she gets one eventually--it happened to her.

this post is going for a while, and i don’t really have much smart to say or add on, and if i proposed a way to fix the shortcomings we would be here all day. but it’s just something i wanted to make an observation of and put into words, ‘cuz it’s been bugging me for a week.

[lokisprettygirl]

Love is Selfless, It's Kind (Loki x female reader) (Part 26)

Summary: Frigga's arrival brings abundance of love for you and loki,with trial so close, loki couldn't help but think about his past with Carla. How could love hurt so bad with a wrong person but heal so good with the right one?

Warning ⚠️ : Carla, 18+ content, mention of past abuse, emotional abuse, Soft loki is Soft, Hurt loki.

Taglist : @colifower @rinacreateart  @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore  @christineblood  @delightfulheartdream  @the-wounded-healer05  @lokiprompts @stitchinaride  @geeky-politics-46  @sharklover927  @virtualstrawberrydinosaur

His mom was at your door, you couldn't believe this, you froze as you saw her, the apartment is so messy, so small, what would she think "Mrs Odin, Loki's mom, uhh frigga " you scrunched your nose as you blabbed and she smiled "Can I be just mom? because last time I was here,I made sure of that" she caressed your head and you jumped in to hug her "I have missed you" you hugged her tightly, almost smothering her "I have missed my children too, are you going to invite me in?" she said to you and pulled away before letting her in.

"Ofcourse I'm so sorry, the house is really messy if I knew.." before you can say anything she cuts you off as she looked around "it's perfect y/n, feels like home" you took her to the couch and sat right next to her "Loki will be here soon" you told her and she smiled "I know dear, but how are you " she asked you and you don't know what to say, you are happy, very happy, but all the stress that comes with this case, and Bucky and carla and joysha, it has accumulated so much and you feel like you will explode soon "I'm okay, it's just been really stressful with everything" you sighed and she caressed your head again, her touch felt really soothing and calming.

"I can sense it my dear, you're going through alot at the same time, and my son also hurt you alot right?" She asked you and you teared up "I know he didn't want to, he just.. sometimes he's just.." before you could say further, she finished your sentence "So perceptive about everyone but himself right” you looked at her, she gets him, afterall she have seen him going through each n every phase of his life, and loved him through all of that, like a mother should, unlike yours "I just know he never wanted to hurt me, he was scared and he was trying to protect me in his own silly ways, thought I deserved better, I mean that's not even possible, there's no better than him, he's the best of all" you chuckled between your tears and she hugged you again.

"He truly is, when he came to Asgard few months ago, he was upset, very hurt, cried in my lap as he told me how much he's hurting you, and how he left you alone, I could have knocked some sense into him right then but these things, you have to allow your children so they can comprehend it themselves, so I gave him his time to realise what he has done, I know he was hurting and that's why he hurt you but I'm proud of him for not letting you slip away from him , you're the best of them all too my daughter" loki never told you of what he did when he went to Asgard, thor told you they had some political matters that needed to be handled immediately "You think so? I'm so happy you are here, he needs you and I do too, it's just.. sometimes I just don't feel like I am enough for him"

"It's okay to feel that way my child, but always know, you're the one he wants and you're the one he chose, Odin knew about him leaving you here when he returned to Asgard so when loki came back, Odin asked him to ask Aliksia's hand for marriage, it would strengthen the relationship between Asgard and Vanaheim" Aliksia, princess of Vanaheim, the one he told you about, you have a feeling Odin isn't such fan of your relationship "What did he say?"

"He got furious, he told Odin that you're his princess and there could only ever be one for him and you're his, he won't have another, sometimes he will lose his way but I know as long as he have you, he will find it back" she smiled at you, her words consoled you greatly, and then you both talked about random things after that.. talking to her felt natural, she didn't act like a queen at all, atleast not in private.

"Can I get some of that famous tea of yours" she asked you and you smiled "ofcourse I'm being such a bad hostess" the door bell rang again and you figured it was loki, frigga said that she would hide to surprise him and you couldn't deny her even though it seemed like a bad idea, you hoped loki wouldn't do something inappropriate.

When you opened the door he smiled as he pulled you in for a hug and then he lifted you up kissing you so deeply, moaning in your mouth as he did "lokkkii" you tried to speak between the kisses and pulled away "Sorry, Did you not miss me princess?" He looked at you with his puppy eyes and it made you so sad "Maybe hiding wasn't the best idea I have had recently" you heard friggas voice and he looked at her "Ma" he smiled so wide as he saw her "Put me down" you gave him a look and he giggled "now I see"

He kissed your forhead before he put you down and walked over to frigga to gave her a tight hug "ma I knew you would come" he told her and she caressed his head "I had to, told you I would be here for the trial, afterall I have to see this woman myself, the one who dared hurt my prince like that" the expression on her face as she said that was so scary, you were glad you were not Carla. "Does Odin know you're here ma" Loki questioned and she grabbed his ears with her fingers "Is Odin the boss of me, my son?"

"Noo no owww sorry ma"you giggled at the playfulness, he's so cute , you went to the kitchen to make tea for all of you, when you came back, loki was telling frigga about the time you and him went to that theme park, he laid down on the couch with his head in her lap. She was caressing his head, they have such a cute relationship, you could have only wished for a mother like her, but maybe you don't have to anymore. "Mmmm this is exquisite, thank you my child" she told you and you smiled, loki sat up to sip on his own cup and you watched them both almost mirroring each other, her pinkie stood up too as she sipped just like Loki's did. Mama's boy.

After that you got dressed up and loki drove you both to the tower, ofcourse she can't sleep in your small apartment, when the three of you reached thor was waiting with jane to greet her. However the one person you weren't expecting there to see was Bucky, you sighed and you felt loki's grip on your hands tightening "lo I'll be right back Okay?" You told him and he watched your hand slip from him as you walked away "Bucky" you smiled at him and he gave you a hug "y/n how are you" he asked you as you pulled away "I am good how are you" you talked to him for a while, thor took frigga to have lunch and loki walked over to you both "barnes" he glared at Bucky "Loki" wow this can't be great, you need to take him away "okay we will see you at the party tonight" you grabbed Loki's arms and you both went to his room, you almost rushed your way out of there.

Tony organised a party, because it's been long since we have had one, almost a month ago, Tony can't survive without a party once a month atleast. You both had to get ready, you wondered what frigga would wear. You felt loki being tensed and you had the perfect idea to destress him. No not sex as much as you wanted, but a bath would do for now. You went straight to the bathroom to fill the tub, with lots of bubbles and his favourite essential oil. You got undressed and climbed in the tub "loooo" you called out his name and you saw him come inside soon "join me?" He walked over to you as he unbuttoned his shirt "what if I won't?" He smiled mischievously, that little kitten "well I'll have to do just this then" you threw the water at him and he squealed "You'll pay for that princess" he undressed himself and got in quickly.

He sat on the edge of the tub, and you sat in front of him, your chest facing forward, your head down on his shoulder "mmmm I love this" he spoke as he kissed your temple. You turned around and kissed him softly "how do you feel sweet baby" you asked him and he sighed "just a little hassled, don't know what will happen at the trial, I don't want to see her face" you kissed his forehead as he answered, you were glad frigga was here, he needs as much support as he can right now "I know baby but it will be over soon" you mumbled softly and you both stayed in till you were all pruny. When you both got out, you dried your hair and started to put your make up on.

You do so much for him, his heart always feels so full with love and adoration whenever he looks at you or think about you, you're nothing short of an angel for him, he however would never use that pet name for you since he used to address Carla like that, she have ruined it for him, why would he waste such a loving pet name on her. Well he knew why, she wasn't always awful to him, that's why he would be so confused sometimes when he was with her.

"Loki what would you like to eat today, I'm ordering lunch for myself, do you want something?" Carla asked him, they both were in her apartment, at her couch, she had her head in his lap as he scratched her scalp with his fingers, she loved it "Can I have pasta please? He asked softly and she sat up "You know I am not a fan of Italian right ? But if you want it so bad I'll tolerate it I guess, okay pasta it is" she laughed "you're an angel" he smiled not knowing or understanding the implications her words had.Loki thought she really cared about him when she did that, but she was just being passive aggressive.

He laid down on the bed as his mind drifted towards more memories with her. None of them good.

He had an extremely awful day, he got distracted during the mission, he was in a restaurant, when he looked out from the glass window, and a pretty woman fell down on the road on the other side as she tripped on something, she had several grocery bags, he was on an undercover mission but he got up from his seat and ran out of the restaurant to help the woman, he was almost out of the restaurant when he heard tony as he warned him in his earpiece to not go and he was very pissed at him, the woman was gone after she picked her bags, Tony apologized later on for his behaviour but he still felt down as he disappointed his teammates and almost compromised the mission, he was hurt and he just wanted to hold her and be held by her, just needed some affection to get through this day. So he went to Carla, she saw him looking all battered and she scrunched her nose in annoyance "What's with you today? What's with that face??" She asked him as he sat down on the couch "Can you sit next to me, I have had a very incompetent day and I just need to talk, and get a hug maybe, i need you" he felt vulnerable and he had never felt that way before, he sniffed a little as his eyes teared up, he looked at her softly and she rolled her eyes "Oh sweetie what are you? 3 ? grow up" she chuckled "You come here unannounced and it can be really annoying, you get that right?" She walked over to him and caressed his head as she spoke, her voice gentle but her words hurt him, he was an annoyance. A tear slipped down on his cheek and she wiped it "I am going out with my girls today, you can stay here and do whatever you like, you don't have to go back to the tower if you feel pathetic and incompetent" she kissed him and then she went to her room to get ready. He just wanted to be held and be told that he was okay, that he would do better next time, just some loving touches to forget the events of the horrible day, nothing more. But he got none of that. He slept on the couch all alone, his heart heavy, he woke up with her on top of him though drunkenly trying to have sex with him and he took whatever intimacy he got from her.

Sometimes he thought about his life and if it would have been better if he would have just found you instead of her, but then, if by a stroke of luck he would have he may not have appreciated you as much as he does now, might not have treated you like the goddess you are, the affection you drown him in, he would have taken it for granted. Not a day has went by since he met you where you have made him feel awful about himself, even though he hurt you, you never went personal with him, never hit his weaknesses. Everytime he felt battered and disappointed in himself you would engulf him in your arms, and shower him with loving words and tight hugs and gentle kisses and sweet love making, you didn't leave him all alone, you never did. He did, and no matter what happens he would never forgive himself for that and he would never forgive Carla for breaking him like this.

"Lo baby?" He was awfully quiet while you did your makeup and that concerned you, it concerned you more when he didn't answer you. He was lost in his head and most of the times it was never any good. You walked over to him with your hair in a bun and face half caked , half undone "Baby are you okay?" You asked him and he snapped out finally "I am princess,don't worry" he smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, you climbed on the bed and laid on your front next to him, you perched yourself up on your elbows and you could see his eyes starting to tear up just from you being so close to him "oh my precious baby, what's wrong tell me?" You kissed his forehead and he wrapped his arms around your waist as he pulled you on top of him "nothing princess I promise, I just love you so much" he mumbled softly and you kissed the tip of his nose.

"I love you my little kitten, what do you need my love" you asked him softly and he shook his head, all these stress about carla must be getting to him, was he thinking of the past? you didn't know but you wanted to pull him out from the negative space "I just..just" he stopped himself, he felt too needy, he took all of your time and attention and somehow still needed more. You sat up and pulled him up so he was sitting too, you sat on his lap like you always do and hugged him tightly, with your arms around neck, he put his head between the crook of your neck "just what baby? needed this? needed me close?" You whispered softly and you could hear him sniffing. It always hurt you when he feltt like he was being needy or a burden, you would stay forever like this if he asked

"You know I can stay like this forever right? You never have to feel like you're asking for too much, you can have all the hugs you want, all the kisses you need, the affection you desire my sweet love, I'm always here to give you that, never forget okay" you placed soft kisses on his neck as you whispered, you felt him clutching onto you even tighter at your words. He laid you down gently and got between your legs, he looked at you with his pretty eyes glistening with tears, you wiped his tears from his cheeks and kissed both of his eyes.

"Can I? Please" you felt him bucking his hips into your heated clothed core and you moaned "don't ask baby, take me, you never have to ask" you whispered softly and he got you both naked and thrusted in as he gently as he could, as if you would break if he was any rougher, he kept his pace slow,he was in no rush, he needed you in the most intimate ways and he was going to take his time "feel so good lo, always so perfect, you're so perfect" you mumbled as you threw your head back, his cock rubbing perfectly against the spot that makes your toes curl, he kept his head between your neck, nipping and sucking softly all over "I love you so much" he mumbled and then all of a sudden he had an epiphany and he looked at you "Oh by the love of nornnns.. it was you...it was you, that day it was you, I saw you" he sniffed as he teared up again "what?" You looked at him very confused as you heard him "you tripped, you needed help,oh my.. it was a sign" Whatever he said made you even more confused, you trip and fall on your face all the time, and he have seen you and saved you hundreds of times.

"Lo baby, explain please" you asked him and he moaned as he felt himself getting closer, he need to make you feel good first, so he came inside you soon after and he made you cum so good around him, your wallls clenching around him is what he needed, him being so into you is what he craves. And then he explained to you what happened that day on the mission more than two years ago, you do remember tripping down in the busy streets of new york, you never forget such embarassing moments ever do you? Somehow you both were just few feet away from each other and didn't meet, he thought you were pretty even from afar? Then he told you what happened later that night with Carla and you just..you can't ..can she die?

After you both relished in your post orgasmic bliss he cleaned you up and himself as well, then you both got ready for the party. He was very needy for your touch and you didn't mind it at all, you kept him as close as you could, you also got a really pretty dress for wanda, it wasn't her birthday but do you really need an occasion to pamper your best friend? She squealed as she saw the dress it was her favourite colour, bright red and when put it on, oh well god bless vision.

All of you were enjoying the party, you danced with loki and you danced with Wanda, when you saw mom frigga you were blown away by her, she let her hair down and she was in a full length full sleeves party dress, she still looked like royalty though, she even drank midgardian alcoholic drinkt and she thought the taste was much better than their Asgardian wines. You had to use the loo so you told loki that you were going to use the common bathroom "can I come?" He asked you and you ruffled his hair "Nooo.. enjoy and take care of your mother please, I am safe here okay? I'll be back in five minutes" you kissed him before you stepped out of the living room, his eyes followed you until you were out of his sight, you even turned around once and gave him a smile and he just wanted to run to you. Just 5 minutes.

You made your way towards the bathroom, as you were about to turn right you heard bucky's voice coming from that side and stopped, he was talking to someone on phone it seemed "You had one job to do and you failed, I honestly regret getting swept up in all that rage and emotions, and now you think you can blackmail me with that? That's funny because I'm not loki you understand? I'll kill you without a thought"

You heard Loki's name and it confused you, what was he talking about? And who was he talking to?

"Don't you ever dare call me again Carla" he hung up the call.

And it all made sense.

[foxilayde]

what were you like during an ugly phase of your life where you felt you could of been a better person than what you were?

I’ve been thinking about this question a lot today and it reminds me of a conversation I had with my brother a few nights ago.

My 13 year old Boston terrier has recently befell a series of ailments/accidents that currently has him on lots of pain meds, in a cone, and more than likely facing eye removal surgery in the near future. I’ve been beside myself with grief and guilt the past few days.

The grief, because he is suffering and I feel very deeply for him. The guilt, for myself because I feel like I could have/should have done better as a mom. My brother told me a simple phrase in response to my feelings. “We can all be doing better.”

We can all be doing better.

That statement is true for everyone. There are areas in everyone’s life where they can be doing better. But I fully believe that we are all doing the best that we can with the tools that we have been given. Even if it doesn’t feel like that. Even if you feel like you’re a cruel person. You are doing the best that you can.

I do not tend to extend the same leniency towards myself that I give to other people in my life. It takes those friends and family members, the close ones, the loved ones to show you your true self sometimes.

In my self-esteemed-shot mind I am a horrible dog mother. I don’t give Django nearly the attention that he deserves, and I could be far more patient with him. and especially seeing him in this beleaguered state, my first response is to hate myself.

And maybe I hate myself because it’s easy. Because it’s option A. Maybe I hate myself because it makes sense. Maybe I blame myself for these things that are out of my control because at least I can make it logical. If I can hate myself, then there is a solid entity to blame for the madness, for the inconsistencies of life. But the fact is that life is not logical. Life is full of curveballs. And in reality, each person truly is doing their absolute best when faced with the curve balls.

We are each our own worst critic. Close your eyes and think of someone whom you love unconditionally. Do it. Imagine that person doing the things that you beat yourself up for. All that deplorable shit. Are they a bad person? Are they an ugly person? The answer is likely no. You likely want to hug that person and tell them everything is going to be OK.

Nearly all the past incarnations of Danny are cringe worthy. I have had many awful incarnations of myself. There is the Danny of 15 years ago who supported YES ON 8. There is the Danny of 8 years ago who was content being a Side Chick… and I have to extend that same loving leniency towards her. I have to give her a hug. Because she really truly didn’t know any better. She was trying to fit in. She was trying to be loved.

And most difficultly, I have to extend that leniency towards myself where I am now. I am in the weeds, I am too close to the trees, and I’m too tired to pay my full attentions to my ailing dog. But I’m doing the best I can.

One thing I think you will uniformly hear from very elderly people when you ask their advice on life in general is: be kind. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to the people around you. Life is hard. Be kind.

And if you do life correctly, you will have many many versions of your past self that can be deemed as “ugly” or “vile”, because we keep growing, we — through experience — keep changing. And babygirl that is the definition of life. To adapt. To grow. To change.

It’s easy for me to be harsh on past-Danny. She didn’t know shit. She needed a hug. She needed guidance. Just as present-Danny does. As fucking hard as that is to admit.

So give yourself a hug. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Treat yourself the same way you’d treat your best friend. To quote Conor Oberst “forgive yourself for the many times, you were cruel to something helpless and weak.” (Including yourself)

Whatever it is you’re going through, you’re not alone. You’re not “bad”, and you deserve to be loved.

[honeytae]

We’ll always be in the honeymoon phase.

happy wednesday bubs! this is...perhaps...one of the softest purest things i’ve ever written here. there is a bathtub scene but, surprise surprise, there isn’t a single hint of suggestive content! this is just pure sweet domesticity with tae. i hope you all enjoy <3 tags: @ahgasearmyfan, @hoseokayy, @the1921-monsters genre: FLUFF

word count: 1.5k

Along with the plunking of shoes, the signature creak of the front door was what first announced Taehyung’s arrival home, causing your head to perk up from your laptop to peek over the screen at the tired man trudging in. 

“Hi, baby.” He met your eyes with a small grin, dark brown orbs peering out from behind his bangs before the hair was lifted by his fingers. 

“Hi, Tae.” You smiled, watching as the man shuffled out of his shoes and began striding toward your location on the couch. 

“You look so cute.” He cooed, your brows pulling together in doubt as you eyed your business attire on the top paired with some of Taehyung’s old pajama bottoms settled on your hips. 

You’d come home exhausted and slipped into them over an hour ago, planning to change into a comfortable shirt as well before your boss was already ringing your phone to check your email. Typical.

“You’re such a liar.” You responded, typing a few more words into the email draft as you sensed Taehyung’s approaching steps rounding the sofa. 

“I’m not lying!” Taehyung laughed, leaning his stomach on the back of the couch as he gathered your hair into his palms, affectionately threading it through the slots of his fingers. 

“It’s business casual. Very nice.” He smirked, making you bite the inside of your cheek to hold in your laughter. 

“Mm-hm.” You hummed in agreement, smiling lightly as the man’s deep chuckles reached your ears, clearly amused with your banter. 

“Still working?” He wondered after a brief moment of quiet, draping his arms over your shoulders and crossing them over your chest, pressing a gentle kiss to your temple. 

“Mm, I just have to catch up on some stuff.” You mumbled, letting your head fall back to peer up at him with a grin. 

“How was your day?” You asked, getting a mirrored smile in response before he dipped down to press a kiss to your lips, eyes crinkling in amusement at the sight of you hanging off the back of the couch. 

“Good. I have to take a shower though.”

“I can tell.” You said teasingly, the man wrinkling his nose at you as he danced his fingertips over your shoulder. 

“Alright, meanie. I’ll be back.” He punctuated his words with a kiss to your forehead, knowingly sending you back to work with a blush glowing on your cheeks as his footsteps faded off down the hallway. 

Sighing out a deep breath, you put your focus back on the screen in front of you, fingertips landing on the keys to finish your thoughts on your coworkers dilemma.

The tapping of your fingers against the keys gradually slowed as you recognized the sound of the water rushing through the pipes, the muffled noise of the water stream hitting the shower floor enticing you more than you’d like to admit. 

Blowing a breath past your lips, you stretched your neck to either side, concentration switching back to the rather taunting blinking text cursor on your screen.

Truly, you meant to finish your thoughts and send your response back in a decent amount of time. But there was a strong urge to type a certain Kim Taehyung just came home to me. Fuck off.

Settling for giving no response at all, you swiftly shut your laptop, happily leaving your coworker hanging as you threw the computer to the opposite end of the sofa. 

Eagerly walking down the hallway, you smiled a bit when you noticed your boyfriend had left the door the slightest bit ajar, a detail you now knew the meaning of after such a long time with the man; an open invitation for you to walk in.

The air was hot when you pushed the door into the room, the temperature of Taehyung’s water heating up the whole bathroom as well as fogging up the mirror.

Spying Taehyung’s head poking out from a bathtub full of water, you quirked your eyebrows in amusement, entering farther into the room with a chuckle. 

“I didn’t know I was interrupting your spa day.” You announced your presence, Taehyung sitting up and opening his previously closed eyes with a small grin as he watched your steps slow in front of him. 

“It’s not an interruption if you’re invited, love.” He smirked, his smooth reply making you laugh as you leaned back against the counter across from him, teasingly wrinkling your nose in disgust.  

“No? That doesn’t do it for you?” He raised his eyebrows, clearly amused as you shook your head no at his attempt to flirt. 

“Hm,” he hummed to himself, looking around the bathtub for a prop before grabbing the loofa from beside the soap dish, holding it up in one hand as he bent his opposite elbow against the edge of the tub to rest his head on his hand, smugly flexing his bicep as he peered up at you. 

“Like what you see?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, causing you to cackle at the awkward pose, entirely endeared by the man as he stifled a smile in his extravagant posing. 

“You’re ridiculous.” 

“You love me.” He sang out, making you downturn your lips with a nonchalant shrug. 

“Don’t get cocky.” You smirked, making him grin before spreading his arms in a gesture for you to join him in the water. 

Easily caving, you began shamelessly shedding your clothes, tossing the garments to the ground before stepping into the tub between Taehyung’s legs.

With his hands set on the backs of your calves, he gently pulled you down, guiding you to sit atop his lap as you wrapped your arms around his neck. 

Sighing in content as he intercepted your frame, he wrapped his own arms around your torso to hold you to him, smiling at you as your fingers pushed his wet hair back from his forehead. 

“I do love you.” You cooed to him, moving your hands down his face to squish his cheeks together, both of you giggling lightly at the action. 

“I know.” He responded, his words muffled by your actions before he grabbed your hands in his own, guiding them away from his face to lock your fingers together between your bodies. 

“Hm,” you sniffed suddenly, “lavender?” 

At your inquiry, Taehyung gestured over to a purple bottle of lavender bath oil on the edge of the tub, making you tip your head in confusion before looking back to him.

“Where’d you get that?” You asked, the man smiling before he briefly glanced over to the product. 

“Where’d you get that? I didn’t buy it.” He chuckled, rubbing small and soothing circles on your hips as his eyes glinted back at you. 

“Maybe my mom snuck it in here while I wasn’t looking.” You chuckled, Taehyung humming at your proposition. 

You watched as Taehyung seemed to study your features, dark eyes focusing on your face as you raised your eyebrows back at him. 

“What?”

“You look tired.” He mused, eyeing your dark circles as you squinted back at him. 

“You do, too.” You commented, letting your thumb run along the soft skin underneath his eye, slightly puffy from his lack of sleep as he quirked a smile back at you. 

“C’mere.” He let his hand travel to the bottom of your spine, guiding you down to lay on his chest as you sighed out in relief. 

Letting your eyes close as you reclined on Taehyung’s chest, you melted into him further at the feeling of warm water pouring onto your back in small doses, his hands cupping the lavender scented liquid to bring onto your tensed muscles.

“Feel good?” He asked softly, making you nod in response as your hand appreciatively squeezed at his shoulder. 

“Good.” He stamped a kiss to the side of your head, leaving his lips there as he continued his tender actions. 

Picking your head up off his chest, you stared at his beautiful features for a moment, him doing the same to you before his dark eyes met your own with a hint of mirth.  

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He wondered aloud, causing you to hum in question of what he meant as you tucked a stray piece of hair back behind his ear. 

“Like what?” You smiled, the feeling of the man’s hand sliding up your spine giving you slight shivers, the reaction causing a smirk to appear on his face. 

“Like you did when we were still freshly in the honeymoon phase.” He chuckled, causing you to hum in thought.

“We’re not still in the honeymoon phase? I feel like I’m still in the honeymoon phase with you.” You raised your eyebrows, the man chuckling before he nodded. 

“We’re still in the honeymoon phase. We’ll always be in the honeymoon phase.” Taehyung said, swiping his thumb along the top of your spine as he spoke.

“Hm. I’m good with that.” You sighed, lying back on the man’s chest with a bit more force than intended, Taehyung chuckling as water spilled over the side of the tub. 

“Me too, love.”

Reclining against your boyfriend's chest had you falling back into an easy and comfortable silence, both of your breathing slowed as you relaxed in each other’s arms for the first time all day. 

“I feel like I could fall asleep in here.” Taehyung’s voice sounded from above you, his hand rubbing up and down your arm in a soothing touch. 

At his words, you lifted up slightly, pressing your lips to his in a tender kiss. 

“Hm. We’ll have to get out eventually.” You murmured, Taehyung leaning back into your lips with a soft pout.

“Eventually.”

[yesimwriting]

The Promise of Rain, Blurb 3

Technically the third in a blurb-ish series (though this is kinda long for a blurb lol) but can technically be read as a stand alone, but i think the other parts make this seem more significant lol

A/n kinda angsty, not sure if i loveeee this but i haven’t posted a fic in such a long time bc of graduation chaos but now it’s summer and i’m working on a lot of requests/stories :))

Summary: jealousy is out of place when there’s no real warrant for it, and sometimes it’s okay to be content--to not need the rain to make you promises. 

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x sunshine-y! reader

--

Tiredness dulls the part of me that craves the rambunctious, but I’m still positive. I smile when someone does something only the truly inebriated find comical. I laugh when something somewhat actually funny happens, and I let the world around me drink. Twenty minutes--in twenty minutes I will claim a headache and go upstairs. 

“You okay, y/n?” Jesper’s concern would border on genuinely considerate if it wasn’t for the slightest hint of slur in his words. Nights in which he consols himself after losing game after game are when he’s the friendliest. “You’re strangely quiet--you’re never quiet.” 

I press my lips together oddly, smiling in a way that finally reaches my eyes. Jesper’s nice in an oddly particular way when he’s tipsy. Overly observant and careful. “Just a little tired,” I shift in my seat, leaning back against the plush seat in Kaz’s office, “I wish Kaz would just get here and dismiss us so I can go to bed.” 

Jesper smiles, lifting his arm slightly and causing his glass to sway. Kaz is not going to take it well when he realizes that Jesper was extremely involved in the downstairs celebration. He turns ungracefully, moving to sit next to me with no warning. I half-heartedly glare as he takes up most of the small couch. 

“You’re grumpy when you’re tired,” Jesper hums, stretching his casually. 

I sigh once, but it lacks any bite. “I do not.” 

He smiles easily, tilting his head so far to the side that it falls against the back of the seat, “No...but I know the real reason you’re grumpy.” 

Rolling my eyes, I suppress my instinctual reaction. That would only expose his words as true. “I am not grumpy, there is no reason--” 

“You know he hated it.” 

I exhale, tired and slowly losing my fragine hold on fake tranquility. “Yeah.” That should make it  better. “I know.” It doesn’t--it doesn’t make anything better. 

So the contact we so desperately needed on our side took to flirting with Kaz. It was an uncomfortable situation because of its precariousness and I was worried because I know about his issues with touch. But it’s not like I care about the flirting part. No. It was unprofessional and so easily turned messy--that’s what my problem was.

Jesper sighs, stretching even more. I let him stretch his legs over me, too tired to push him off. I sigh, setting my chin on his bent knees. “What’s with the face, l/n?” 

I roll my eyes again. Sometimes having someone care about you is annoying. I take back all of my positive thoughts about him--Jesper Fahey is an annoying drunk. 

“There’s no face,” despite my words, I feel my expression sour even further. Jesper’s expression shifts from that of gentle worry to teasing pride. “And if there was one, it wouldn’t be because of Kaz Brekker.”

Jesper’s lips twitch upwards, something strange tainting his tipsy grin. “I never said a name.” 

“One more condescending comment, and I’m shoving you off this damn couch.” 

He laughs flatly, shifting closer and making himself more comfortable. Drunk and touchy--anyone else would have been slapped by now. “You’re nicer after some of this.” 

He holds his glass out towards me casually, amber liquid sloshing slightly. I blink at the liquid with slight disinterest. I’m not exactly in the drinking mood...but I’m not exactly in the mood for any of this. The sound of the door opening doesn’t phase me--it’s not Inej, because she never lets herself be heard. Kaz doesn’t say anything, taking one dull step and then another, footsteps leaching the room of any warmth. The coldness he exudes so easily as a mask is strong tonight, I haven’t even looked at him and I can feel it. 

Maybe I do need a drink. 

I take the glass from Jesper, taking a quick and shallow sip of the liquid. It’s offensive in smell, taste, and the way it spills down my throat. The taste is much more intense than expected, some of the liquid slips past the corner of my mouth. Somehow more bitter than this moment, the liquid leaves me ready to splutter like a child. I exhale, pushing through the burning. Jesper moves his hand forward absentmindedly, wiping a single drop of liquid from my chin carelessly. The gesture would be sweet if my throat burned less. 

“Jesper,” the warmth of the alcohol takes root in my chest, “That’s--” He laughs at my reaction, coaxing a smile from me. “Like literally the worst--why do you even have this?” If this is served in the Crow Club, I’ve never heard of it, this is the kind of under the counter alcohol that isn’t mass produced. 

He laughs a little more freely. “Won it off of someone passing through--I don’t always lose.” 

I wrinkle my nose, “An outlier shouldn’t be--” 

“Oh, shut up.” Jesper laughs again. 

“Both of you ‘shut up’,” Kaz sighs, stepping further into the room, “If you need to drink, at least wait until after my meeting.” I frown, ignoring Kaz’s lingering and sharp gaze, “You should all follow Inej’s example.” 

“We can’t even see Inej.” 

Kaz raises an eyebrow, but he regards me with nothing but voidness. He’s never exactly emotive, but normally in moments like this something I can never interpret touches his expression, coloring it human. “Exactly.” 

“You’re funnier than people give you credit for.” The comment isn’t exactly sarcastic, but it’s something lighter than I should be offering. It’s an attempt at peace, the slight stiffness between us is starting to bother me. Our usual dynamic isn’t exactly friendly, but it’s more than this. Kaz glares. “But not tonight.” 

His expression hardens. “Business is business. It’s not humor, it’s not whatever you try to make it.” Right. Just like it was business when that girl spent more time hitting on him than actually revealing real information. The thought leaves my expression tight as I swallow back my instinctual words. “It’s not whatever you’re currently doing.” 

It takes me longer than it should to realize he’s referring to the position Jesper and I are in. Can he relax? It’s not my fault Jesper is tipsy and touchy. 

“Kaz,” Inej’s voice is soft yet determined as she emerges from the shadows. It’s a miracle the way she’s nothing more than a shadow until she chooses not to be. “What’s our next job?” 

Prompting Kaz in order to prevent a fight--Inej, always the closest thing to a mom available. I give her a partial smile, glad that she’s wedging herself between us and the tension, preventing conflict I’m too tired to follow through on.

“A merchant’s house,” he begins slowly, “We’ll be searching a merchant’s house but I’m seeking evidence more than property.” Jesper swings his legs off the couch with no warning. My head falls. I glare at Jesper who offers me a slightly apologetic tsk before dropping his head on my shoulder. Kaz must note the exchange because something in his expression tightens. He’s extra irritable today. “I’ll disclose more tomorrow,” he sighs once, already turning away, “Most of you are beyond listening tonight anyways.” 

He’s at the door before I can tell him that I’m not drunk. The door opens and closes, but Kaz’s heaviness lingers like led. I frown, letting my head fall to the side, resting on Jesper’s.

“He’s weird today,” I mumble, unsure if I want a reply. 

“He’s always like that,” Jesper breathes, “You’re losing your novelty, y/n--he always learns to harden himself against anything bright.” 

The words leave me even more tired. “I don’t think I’m particularly bright.” 

“Kaz does,” Inej replies, “And it has nothing to do with ‘novelty’, Jesper’s just cynical when he drinks.” I don’t know if I believe her, but I like knowing that Inej thinks that. “And Kaz can’t harden himself against you, and he hates that.” 

I press my lips together, straightening my spine. “I’m not that great, and whatever Kaz does or doesn’t harden himself against doesn’t affect me at all.” My nails press into the plush seat. “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this because whatever he does or doesn’t feel doesn’t matter to me.” I force myself up, doing all I can to seem perfectly calm. “All I care about is going to bed.”

Turning my head, I start to approach the door. Kaz has been strangely cold all night, and while I’m used to his moods, he hasn’t exactly directed them at me so fully since the day he caught me waiting for him to wake up after he almost died. If he wants to go back to how it used to be, then it can. Maybe I’ll care in the morning, when the growing weight of my eyelids is no longer a distraction.

“Sometimes the two of you confuse me,” Inej begins, “And sometimes I see you try to deal with emotion and I see the common ground.” 

The words leave me cold. I don’t think being compared to Kaz is an insult, not when there’s so much it could mean. He’s much more complex than he wants to be. There is goodness within him, gilding the parts of him that are more shards than anything else.  

I exhale, refusing to turn. Inej is too observant for her own good. “There is no emotion.” 

“I’m not going to waste my time arguing over that because I know it’s a waste of time.” She pauses and I consider turning around in hopes of reading something less honest from her expression. “I’m just telling you as a friend that one of you needs to be mature and talk to the other tonight before the tension gets worse and that it’s not going to be him.” 

She’s right. I exhale, “Do you think I should let him go?” Even just saying that leaves my heart aching. I know instantly that that’s not what I want, but it might be what he wants--it might be the best option. I might have the strength to let him go if I work at it. “I don’t--that’s not what I want and I’m not sure I could, but maybe that’s selfish of me.” 

“Y/n.” I turn slowly, but I purposefully avoid her gaze, keeping my head down. “I know that I’ve known Kaz longer than you, and I know that when he’s getting along with you he’s,” she trails off, uncertain, “More him, in a good way.” 

My heart swells, and with that comes feelings of panic. I never wanted to change him--to make him better or worse or anything; all I’ve ever wanted is to know him and to maybe help him with his burden. And to hear that maybe I’ve done that from someone so close to him--someone so observant and aware. That’s everything. And that terrifies me. Nothing good can last; nothing that seems to be all you could ever want actually is. I know that from life before the Crows, before I ran away from the castle I called home.

“I think he does the same for you.” I’ve never really thought about Kaz’s effect on me outside of the fact that he makes me feel warm in small moments and painfully seen in large ones. 

I smile because she’s trying and she’s given me something. “I’d say I’d tell you when I make my decision, but something tells me you’ll know.” 

She nods, expression shifting to something kind. “Goodnight, y/n.” 

Jesper stretches out on the couch, settling himself comfortably, “Night, y/n.”

“Goodnight, guys.” I disappear past the door easily, heading towards my room.

I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to look for Kaz tonight. How much damage could be done in one night? Maybe he needs space. Maybe seeking him out now will make things worse. I exhale, opening the door to my room easily. I’ll decide before going to sleep.

When I step into the room, everything is in place. Everything is fine--but something about it feels off. The light is on. I didn’t leave the light on. Nothing else raises any red flags, so I continue into the room calmly, examining everything carefully. Nothing feels out of place as I further enter the room. I take in my bed, my dresser, and lastly my nightstand. 

My heart swells all over again, but this time it feels even heavier than before. On the center of my nightstand, in perfect condition, is a copy of Pride and Prejudice. The same book I told Kaz about, the one thing besides clothing I took from the palace. I told him it was my mother’s favorite and then he asked me to read it to him. 

I can’t picture him seeing this and thinking of me. I can’t picture him thinking of me--but no one else knew about my attachment to the book. I need to find him. I need to--to see him, to speak to him. To look him in the eye and see something I only ever see when we’re alone. Maybe he won’t have that look this time, but that’s okay. 

I can’t expect to always understand him, but that does not mean I don’t know him. 

The thought leaves me feeling a little more settled within the boundaries of my skin, but I don’t ease entirely. The good is more frightening than the bad. My fear of happiness is a benign secret I haven’t had to worry about in years. I don’t know enough about it to know how to deal with it let alone mention it to Kaz. Not that it’s his problem. 

I squeeze the book to my stomach. Swallowing pride is a difficult thing, but I’m used to it with him. It’s usually worth it with Kaz because sometimes when I try he tries in his own way. I should find him. He’s not awfully creative about where he goes when he wants to be alone because people know better than to bother him. Kaz is probably in his attic or getting air outside or…

The lights were on when I came in. I’m an idiot. I didn’t feel weird when I walked into the room because of the book. Someone’s in here. He’s in here. 

Setting the book down like I should have never touched it, I let out a sigh. “Lurking is unbecoming.” 

“It’s also unbecoming to work for me and be so easily distracted by a book.” His voice reveals nothing as he emerges from the shadows. “I could have killed you with how long it took for you to notice my presence.” He pauses, eyebrows drawing together. “The light was on.” 

Normally I’d have some kind of comment, some kind of joke that offers a more peaceful situation. “I know.” It’s a flat response. “I think on some subconscious level I knew,” I drop my gaze away from him, “I knew I was okay.” That sounds dumb. “I mean...I think I knew it was you so I knew I was okay.” Yeah, that wasn’t anymore eloquent. “That doesn’t make sense, but if you get to be confusing, I do too.”

“Confusing? There’s nothing to understand.” Curt. Simple. Dismissive. 

I frown. ‘Nothing to understand’. Right, because there’s nothing confusing about how quickly he decided to dismiss me just to bring me some obscenely sentimental gift. “If you’re mad at me, you should at least tell me why.” I press my lips together. “At least that way I’ll know if I need to apologize or kick your ass.” 

At that, he presses his lips together, corner of his mouth threatening to tilt upwards. “You would kick my ass?”

Great, even when he’s easing he has to be annoying. “I could.” There is no universe in which I could take him in a physical fight. “On a good day.” I let out a breath, doing all I can to not focus on his expression. Awkwardness settles in my chest as my eyes land on my bed. I sit down, trying not to let my shoulders slump tiredly as I stretch my legs across my bed. “You’re not having a good day.” 

“My day is fine, I’m just not naively cheerful like you,” his words turn sharp, “Or Jesper.” 

Weird addition. “Jesper’s not cheerful, he’s just drunk.” I let go of the ‘naive’ part, deciding to focus on the bigger picture. “And I’m not as naive or joyful as you think I am.” I’m not sure if I mean that as a rebuttal or just a fact. “I have bad days too.” This isn’t the kind of conversation I should have while this tired. “I could be less cheerful if you’d like.” 

He’s so silent I momentarily wonder if he’s left. “No.” It’s not much, but I take it. Straightening my back, I pull my legs beneath me, intentionally creating space. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Ah, blatant rejection. It would sting if I was less in the right. “Maybe you’ll be less weird then.” 

“I am not being weird.” At least I’m getting some kind of reaction from him. “You’re the one who--” 

“Who what?” Finally--progress. 

Kaz sighs, turning slightly. “You’re the one who decided to ignore me after we met with the contact.” I part my lips, ready to retort, but no words come. He did pick up on my slight annoyance, and he reciprocated it in a much larger way. 

He can never know that this all came from some ridiculous, territorial--partial jealousy. “I didn’t mean to ignore you,” partial lie, “I’m just kind of in a weird place today, I’m tired.” 

“Not too tired for Jesper, it seems.” 

What? Is that what this is about? “What? All I did was sit there--he’s a touchy drunk and I just happened to be next to him.” 

“You laugh with him,” he says this blankly, “You can touch him.” 

The edge of unsafe territory cuts into me at an odd angle. Is this about him? Is he really tormenting himself over something so asinine to me when it comes to him? I’d rather have him than all the physical touch in the world. The book on the nightstand feels closer to me, growing by the prospect of its significance alone. That gesture, that’s more intimate than anything Jesper and I did downstairs. 

“So?” I straighten my back slightly. “It doesn’t mean anything.” 

He presses his lips together. “That’s the problem--anyone can manage meaningless contact…” The silence is louder than the words that came before it. Oh. I guess I’m not the only one who gets just a little jealous in an unwarranted way. “What if you were hurt? What if you were hurt and we were alone and you needed someone to help you and I couldn’t?” He lets out a sigh, a sound too tired for me to associate with him. “You say you don’t care now, but you’ll grow tired of it--the only life I can offer.” 

Inej’s words about the similarities between Kaz and I echo in my mind. “Sometimes I don’t like when things are going well because I don’t know how to be truly content, fully happy.” Saying this twists my stomach. “I don’t know how to trust good things, so whenever there are good things I think about all the ways I could ruin something and then I do.” I take a breath. “I’m not saying that things are particularly good for you or that you’re happy, but I am saying that maybe you shouldn’t think three steps ahead when there’s nothing to think ahead about.” I regard his expression carefully, but nothing has changed. “I told you the only thing I want is to know you, and that’s not going to change.”

“Y/n,” his voice is low, “I am not rain--I can’t promise you anything.” 

I scratch my knee, dropping my gaze. “For once I don’t want rain.” 

Kaz sighs. “Get some sleep.” Something about the way he’s speaking is authoritative but it lacks any weight. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

I frown freely, “Kaz--” 

“You look tired,” he mumbles, “You need rest.” He’s using this as an excuse to escape his feelings, but he’s already given me more than I expected. Greed ruins things, but then again, so does selflessness. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“For the job?”

Something strange crosses his features as his expression teeters on shifting. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he repeats, a little more certain.

The response doesn’t satiate me. “Kaz--” 

“I may not be the rain, but I’m capable of making promises as well.” There’s something final about the way he says this, but it doesn’t feel cruel. 

Maybe I’d protest if my eyelids were less weighted. “Goodnight, Kaz.” 

My head falls against the pillow. I’m not sure if he replies, too lost in the drawl of sleep before he can even close the door. 

--

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[maan-is-done]

I think it must be the time to finally talk about this and it can't be unsaid.

It's hard for me to put it in words but i try my best

Maybe at the end, we DO have Western mindset and expectations, regardless of where we live.

Today we saw sk8 English voice actors streaming on twitch, which was an absolutely fun and lovely time for all of us to watch and i really appreciate everyone who was involved in this event.

They really fed us well with things that fandom is seeking for. For instance more matchablossom moments and them being a family.

But it wasn't only moments. The anime itself is full of moments, but never a thing was confirmed as them being romantically involved (tho there are absolutely massive hints, and we also can say this for all of our ships in this anime)

Some of us are kinda tired of being hyped about them having the littlest moments and hoping that one day they become canon (tho different ppl has different explanation as canon for themselves which is not the point). Don't get me wrong. I love all these hypes and emotions i feel. But i think yk what i mean.

English voice actors gave us what we wanted. They know what we really want, and simply give it to us. As we expect things to happen.

Like what we expect things to go on in the anime.

As far as i know Japanese fandom was pretty satisfied with the ending and everything.

But i myself had my hopes really high that im gonna see clarified interaction between characters. Maybe Langa could confess to Reki, not only to his mom. Maybe things between cherry and joe can finally be clarified for God's sake. And also we could know what truly has happened between Ainouske and Tadashi.

This was my expectation for a show to call it canon. Cuz i have these expectations also irl if i see myself or anyone else in a relationship. But as a homosexual person myself, i felt teased. Specially because of the homosexuality. Cuz a great number of people still believe that homosexuality is not valid and when we don't clarifie if we're dating someone or not it's even worse. It makes people think that we're just playing around with our friends and one day this will be disappeared and we'll grow out of our phase. They don't find it valid.

Maybe in japan relationships are like this, even straight ones. Or maybe Japanese people really do enjoy unclearifed relationships and that's fine with them. It's their own content anyway, who are we to judge.

Today our fabulous voice actors gave us what we want, and maybe the Japanese fandom has already got what they wanted. The studio can't satisfy everyone in the fandom.

So maybe we can all agree that the studio did the best it could and we should cherish it, regardless of our expectations.