#why tf not ramble it's ym tumblr after all

[louiesblog]

You know I've got it all figured out now.

Sometimes, sex good. Sometimes sex meh. Most times partner wow. Therefore sex is good adjacent. Most times partner wow, oh partner wow. Admiration is such a powerful attractor. Worship? Yes. Divinity? Sometimes. Idolizing? No more.

Right people, right place, right time, right frame of mind. Being queer and being here, that's all there is to it.

It's 3:30 am, I have work (ew job god feckin dammit hate working job) and this is all I can type before the overthinking comes back. I should go on one of those apps and see if anyone likes me for my tiny bio and stunning silly looks. Sex is an illusion gender is forever! Time to bang my head into a metaphorical table so I can fall asleep. I'm normal but also hashtag different. Wdym, I don't fear intimacy, I just wrote a long post trying to describe my exact sexuality in an attempt to better understand my weird feelings about sex!

Goodnight mtherfucker, jesus christ you need to take a chill pill and sleep. Nothing better than a ramble post to cover the fear of being vulnerable without affirmation. You can just exist as yourself and keep working toward you goals of connection. People will like you for who you are. Someday you can become a limited slut again, you scallywag.

Shhh shut up time for sleep

Oooo time to post and then not worry about it because I'm back to being normal about shouting into the void!!

Byeeeee. Sleep well cursed few who read this post!

Monsterfuckers unite! Let's get tea with the alien and discuss boundaries and special interests before going back to mine and cuddling softly in its arms

Softcore alien monster(fucker?) fanfic? Maybe I should write more and gain more mutuals. Silent online friends are the same as friends irl right? Yes probably but that's a matter for a different time. No time to write a thesis tonight, and no need to explain or over explain yourself.

Good day to you sir, I said, "Good Day"!

(Goodnight)

Sometimes being demisexual is like, so hard to describe? Like, only being sexually attracted to people I have a close bond with is one way to put it, but I feel like there's more steps in some cases, and less steps in others. My sex drive comes in waves and phases, and it's been a while since I've had much ability to initiate it myself.

I can't imagine being intimate, or visualize having sex, with some hot person I see. I can't think of the acts I'd want to perform with them. I look at porn and think something is hot, and I know it would be great to do with a partner, but this model, this sex worker, or attractive person? Idk, maybe. I need to know them better first... Do you think they like they're sheets tucked in, do you know if they have pets? When they cuddle, do they like being big spoon or little spoon? Can they make me laugh? Can I make them laugh?

When it comes to a sexual attraction, I'd rather turn to a group of friends, a new date that shared my interests and has certain compassion, an intriguing person on the edge of the group that keeps putting out sexual signals. Imagine the mischief we could get up to? The sexual fantasies to try? The inside jokes and embarrassing moments we can share? A quiet rendezvous, a quick fierce relief? Do you think I can open my mind sexually when I know you'll still be my friend in the morning? Or is it some threshold of safety that's been met?

And then there's the vigilance, the protective blurring, the redirects and pauses. My brain automatically reroutes any actual sexual attraction before I can visualize it because I can't bear to think of someone that way when they haven't permitted me to do so. I think that's fairly common practice of consent, but my brain cuts off the attraction too, I can't be allowed to be attracted to someone close until they acknowledge it themselves. No flirting or sexual innuendo until we both know it's 100% a joke or I confirm it's desired attention.

I think a lot of people are attractive, many of them friends, but I can't call that sexual attraction because the thought doesn't go past, "wow they look good today, nice!"

Am I actually demisexual? Or maybe gray-a? Or just got too much mental illness to think about sex "normally". Maybe I'm a sexual deviant who's attracted to too many people and the idea that I could be attracted to people I know is a prohibited action.

I think it stunts my romantic/sexual relationships because I don't explore those feelings before I am expected to share them. I have to learn the full extent of them as I go, which I think is as fine as anything can be, but I also feel like other people enter relationships or dates knowing they have a sexual attraction with someone. Maybe I underestimate how sex drive and desire drive some people's sexual attraction so they are able to know and negotiate those feelings earlier on, either on dates or when they come across someone they find attractive?

God this became a long post, but welcome to the blog sometimes we get stream of consciousness thoughts about sexuality. Who knows if it really describes me well enough.

The end.