#who'd have thought transcribing from TikTok screenshots would be difficult

[saints-helen]

(okay so quick context, medieval au where blue used to be nightmare and dream's personal knight after the queen Nim died, and for ~plot reasons~ I haven't posted yet they got separated and the twins are princes no more. Blue started guarding the twins when they were 4 and him 20, he left them when he was 22 and them 6, and they got reunited again when he was 32 and them 16 (although we haven't seen dream make an appearance yet~)

(Nightmare is laying his head on Blue's lap here btw)

So, context (most of it anyway) done, enjoy!)

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".... you know.."

"?"

"Do you remember? back when you were small and you couldn't sleep?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember what I used to do, then?" He smiles as he asks, and Nightmare carefully keeps his expression level, calm, unbothered.

"No." He says, like a liar, as if he could ever forget, as if he could ever let go of the only person who looked at him and saw Him, instead of whatever he could be used for, instead of whatever he could ruin just by existing. As if he didn't cling to the very memory of the man, body ripping apart, screaming as if he didn't immediately feel the urge, no matter how long it had been, to call out to him, to sob to him as if he were there when his body was crumbling in on itself and building itself anew and just begging him to make it better, please, just make it all better.

He stares at Blue as his smile softens a bit, eyes cast down to his face to shield from the light of the fire that graces Nightmare's back. (he can barely even feel it)

"What did you use to do?" he asks, as if every single interaction they've ever had in those two short, far too short years together didn't immediately jump into his mind, begging to invade it constantly with the Aching memories of someone who Cared.

Cares.

He still cares.

"Well, you Were very small.. and it Was a long time ago.." he recalls, eyes squinting either from the light or from his smile. Nightmare didn't care to know, never cared to know why Blue did the things he did lest he not like the answer.

"When you were just a baby, you and your brother, the queen would let me into your room sometimes to play with you, or rock you or just to help you sleep." He explained, fondess dripping from his voice and Nightmare fought off the nausea it brought him it was so Strong. Still Reeking of love as if it happened only yesterday. Emotions tended to dilute over time, positive ones especially, but not with Blue, not him.

They only seemed to get Stronger.

"One time, when you were being particularly fussy, she handed you to me, and I was so worried about messing up and making it worse that I kept refusing, but she insisted. But.. once you were in my arms.." His hand settles on Nightmare's head, and Nightmare focuses all he has on the pressure of it against the corruption, trying to feel it through it as much as he can.

"It felt as if I just.. forgot. Like I was somewhere else for a moment. I forgot that you were a prince, and I forgot that I was a mere squire, holding the queen's tiny son in my hands. For a moment it just.. it was just you and me, it seemed. Just me, and the crying little baby in my arms." His thumb strokes his skull, and Nightmare fights back the urge to close his eyes at the feeling.

"You poor thing, you were getting so Tired from crying but you just wouldn't relent. I tried to rock you, to coo over you to sing, none of it worked. Your little baby voice was getting hoarse." He laughs, quiet and fond and Disgusting. "Babies can be so Stubborn, You especially, Night. But I didn't look at the queen all helpless, nor did she ask, she just.. she was just watching, I think." He shifted where he sat and Nightmare held his breath, only letting it out shakily when he wasn't let go of.

"I think she was testing me, checking the see if I'd be a good knight or something, I hope I passed, she had very high standards." He chuckles. "So since you refused to stop crying, and your little face was getting all purple from the effort of it, I did the only thing i could think of." He ghosts his hand down infront of his eye, and Nightmare does his best to stay very, very still.

"I did this.." He holds the side of Nightmare's head in one hand, and the familiarity of it almost makes him choke, the embarrassing amount of yearning he feels almost sickens him, almost makes him gag, bile rising in the back of his throat but he swallows it back. Blue draws his thumb along the bridge of his nose, and all at once Nightmare feels like he's going to Die.

"It calmed you down almost immediately, I was so happy when it worked, she was too. All the while your brother was sleeping soundly through the whole thing." He doesn't stop, the pad of his gloved hand so soft against his bone, and Nightmare squeezes his ankle with a tendril so tightly he feels it'll break, all to stop from shaking.

"You were out like a candle. I used to do it with my little brother as a baby, and it seems you two are very similar." He feels a pang of jealousy, and the humiliating thought of wanting only Blue's attention on him and him Alone passes through his head before he squashes it down in horror. For fuck's sake he's been a twin all his life, and he starts getting jealous Now? "That's where I got the idea to do it." He continued, unaware of the mortification Nightmare is feeling at his own thoughts. He's not even his fucking kid, at least Blue's brother and him are related, he's not related to- to anyone, not anymore, not after what he's become. He's never belonged to anyone less, and Blue may believe he's the same person still, still pampering him and loving on him and stroking his nose as if he's that same child he used to guard but he Isn't.

He isn't, and he never will be again. And all the proof he needs of this fact is the way he Refuses to tell Blue that, refuses to break this fragile illusion that he's still someone worth caring for, someone worth calling a stupid nickname like "Night", shortening the horror he is to something Beautiful and Loved.

He's Disgusted with himself, disgusted with the fact he's lying to and manipulating the only person who ever even gave a single Damn about him, all because he's too selfish for the slivers of affection he gets from him, all because that when he's with him, for one single moment Nightmare can just forget what he is and pretend he's still worthy of something Good. He doesn't tell him, he never Will tell him, he'll just wait until Blue, smart as he is, realises he's being lied to and leaves on his own.

..God, nightmare is so Selfish, and no matter how hard he tries he just can't Stop, can't pull away, can't resist, the pull of the stars too strong for the blackhole he is, sucking in everything that is right and good and leaving nothing behind, but he'll never be full. God it's never Enough.

So he just.. forces a response through his hoarse throat.

"I see." He says, as if he isn't putting active effort into not crying right now. Blue hasn't even Stopped.

"It still worked, when you were four til six, you'd go to sleep immediately. Surely you remember that?"

He doesn't respond, doesn't think he can without his voice cracking.

"Well, no matter. it still works now it seems." He says, and Nightmare can Feel the emotions radiating off of him, emotions relating to Him, the corpse on his lap, and he clenches his fist so hard he feels shards of bone Crack, breaking even smaller.

".. Nightmare?"

"I Can't."

He shoves himself off, love love love marinating the air with an aftertaste of worry and God can he not ruin anything for once?

He holds himself up by the arms, shoulders hunched and shaking as he bites back the sob in his throat, tear droplets, with an inner reflection of teal, drop onto the dead leaves beneath him, corroding them and curling them up in rotting black almost immediately.

God, God, everything be does brings Ruin.

"What's wrong, Night?" Blue asks, Nightmare's hand coming up to rub at his face.

He never wanted to hurt anyone.

He never wanted to hurt Anything. He doesn't want to hurt the very small sliver of good in this world he has left. "I'm not- I Can't." He chokes out, and it sounds like begging, because it Is. "I can't just Keep- I can't- I'm not h- it's not Me-" he sobs out, all wet and disgusting, as if he had the Right.

"Bot me anymore you're talking about and I try- I try so hard but I'm not- I'm Not- I'm not anymore and i can't be again because I've already ruined this beyond repair." He holds up his hands to speak, as if pleading his case again to his mother's court that no, god, he didn't mean to, please he never meant to, he'd never do anything to jeopardize his brother but they just wouldn't Listen.

But now, he refuses to plead innocent, begging the innocent judge on his Knees to sentence him to death like he deserves, lock him up in a tower, just Anything but look at him like That.

"I can't be God I can't be him I can't get better so just stop trying to make me better stop- Thinking that I can be anything but- but-" he can't bring himself to finish it, his rambling cut short by gasping breath and the sizzling sound of tears dropping below him.

He shifts his knees to catch them. He doesn't want to Kill.

"I can't I can't I can't I can't-" he begs "I can't be what you want me to be I can't be your Son anymore I Can't, I just Can't." He clutches at his chest, his one good eye too blurry and bad to make out the expression on Blue's face.

He blocks out his emotions though, he doesn't want to know what he's feeling.

"I can't- God-" he sobs "i know you felt it I know you Saw, my LOVE is so so high I've killed so many people I only bring ruin and they were right, you Know they were right. Mama didn't make us equal." He lowers his head. "She gave all the good to Dream and all the bad to me and they were Right, they were, I'm the extra made so he could be Perfect, just LOOK AT ME!" He looks up, eye wide and manic and Begging "All i bring is- I never Listen I- do you even know how this happened?" He asks, voice suddenly quiet, and he looks down at his hands. They're shaking.

"I Can't- after you left after everyone else- Died, it was just me and Dream, it was just me and my brother.

"We were- we were seven, and we didn't know what to Do. We didn't know how to work, how to hunt or to farm, we didn't know Anything." He lowers his head in shame "He'd go making flower crowns, clumsy, the way you taught him, and sell them. Or at least Try and I-" he rubs his face again. "I didn't even bother, I just- I just stole. I just stole and stole and stole and told him I was working for it, which I Was." He laughs, wet and meaningless. "It took a lot of running."

"One day though, the farmer- I think he had enough of me, he caught me one day and said, instead of berating me he said- he gave me a bag of apples and laughed and joked that it was for giving him such a good work out every day, that it was for a holiday or something, I don't know, his excuses were many." He takes a shaky breath. "I was so, so happy, I thanked him profusely, and he looked at me weird, I sensed he was uncomfortable, but I thought I was just- thanking him wrong or something, so I didn't think about it." His hand clenches into the dirt.

"I was hungry. I was so, so hungry, that I ate one on the way, and I-" his voice cracks "It hurt so Bad Blue, it hurt so much. He put a curse on me, he did something to me I don't- I don't know if it was magic or a spell or some poison or- or something but he did something to me and it Hurt, it Hurt so Bad." His voice wobbles as he speaks, and Blue says nothing, hands folded on his lap as he listens.

"I didn't know where I was, I didn't know what was happening, I didn't even know if I was screaming or not because all I could hear was this sickening Squelch as something made its way out of me, breaking everything in its path." He wraps his arms around himself for comfort, rubbing them as if it would replace the warmth of another body.

"It broke through my head and I passed out, and when I woke up everyone was Dead. I couldn't breathe from the smell, it was blood and dust and something burning in my nose, and I couldn't Breathe.

"There were pitchforks everywhere and torches and it was sunset, and Dream was looking at me and he-" he cracks up "He Ran. he ran and I never saw him again. And I- it hurt so Bad." A shuddering breath, Blue still doesn't react, Nightmare doesn't give him time to.

"I felt so, so strong, like something was thrumming beneath my marrow and begging for more. It scared me, I didn't know what to Do. I wanted to go look for him, I wanted to go explain but I was Scared. I was scared of hurting him too so I left, I buried who I could and I left, and I've been- I've been wandering ever since."

"You felt it." He blurts out, wanting to delay the inevitable. "You felt it all in my soul, when you saw me again. I felt it, you CHECKED me. And I- I don't think you liked what you saw."

".... I'm not- Him, anymore I can't- I can't pretend again. I can't sit here and hear you tell me about him and- I can't, I can't lie anymore blue I- I'm sorry. I killed him. I'm sorry. And I'm all you have left."

".... Nightmare..." He still flinches despite himself, and Blue extends hand, so he pulls away, Makes himself pull away, because it's no longer instinct to do so. "C'mere, please."

"..."

God he's always been Weak. Weak and a coward and-

"You did what you had to do." He tugs him close, and nNightmare, dazed, lets him.

"You were scared, you were so, so small Nightmare, you and Dream both." He wraps an arm around him, his voice so soft it could barely be heard over the crackling of the fire.

"I don't condemn you for stealing. I don't condemn you for lying. And I don't condemn you for-" He pauses. "For killing others, in self defense."

Blue pulls him against his chest, and Nightmare is too weak to pull away.

"I am not Angry, I am not Judging, it's never been my job to, my job is to protect you, queen's orders."

Nightmare opens his mouth to retort, but Blue shushes him, so he clamps it shut again and lowers his head. Blue doesn't let him however, gently lifting it by the cheek and chin.

"I don't care if she's dead, I don't care that your kingdom has fallen, and I don't care if I'm no longer your knight, I don't care if I'm a stranger to you anymore because I have you Back.

"I didn't like what I saw, you're right. I wondered what happened, you're Right. But I was just so, so happy to have my little prince back that I just didn't care, I held you, because I wanted to, and in that moment nothing mattered more than doing that, nothing mattered more that feeling you solid again in my arms. You could've been covered in venom and poison and all manner of danger and I still wouldn't have cared."

"I was." He says quietly, meaning I Am.

"And I still don't care.

"We're not the same people we were ten years ago, we both changed, we both did things we didn't want to do because we had to, that's what growing older means, holding onto hope even if it feels like there's none left to hold.

"Nightmare.. you didn't Ask for this. You were just a hungry, scared lost child doing his best. You did your Best Nightmare. and it was Good Enough.

"Because you're still here."

He begins shaking again, but stays limp.

"You're still here, and I'm so, so happy you made it."

"I'm not Him."

"If you weren't, you wouldn't let me hold you right now."

That shuts him up.

"You did so, so Well with the cards you'd been given. Literally every single one begged for you to die but you Refused. You Refused to die Nightmare, you survived, you Made it.

"I have no doubt in my soul that what you did that day was necessary. Poor people steal, that's why the kingdom should provide for them, so they don't have to. But the kingdom was gone, the farmer didn't care, and you were all on your own and you made it Anyway. You placed yourself where I could find you, where you could find Me. You took this little ragtag group of criminals and made them your family, and I have no doubt that you were afraid every single step of the way, whether alone or together, and so was I."

He tucks him beneath his chin, as if he still fit him perfectly.

"You did so, so well in bringing me here. You wanted to survive so you Did. You wanted to find me, so you Did. You put together a good enough team to find me and take care of you and listen to your orders and you Did. You did Everything you set out to do, all on your own, and you did it so Well." His breath begins shaking, tendrils curling and digging into the ground to stop him from crying, but when has Nightmare ever won?

"You were scared, and you were hurt, and you were alone and you didn't know what was happening to you but you Made it." Why is he smiling right now? How could he fine any joy in the Thing that Nightmare has become? He nuzzles against the top of his head and Nightmare chokes back a gasp.

"I don't care if you changed, because it's still You, it's still You beneath all that anger and fear and Hate, it's still you no matter how much pain you were in, no matter How much you had to do to survive. I don't care about your LOVE nightmare, i care about You, it could be any level and I'd still want you, Still love you."

He Sobs, gripping the arm that cradles him like a man clings to his last coin on his death bed, begging the ferry of the river styx to be Kind.

"You did well, and I'm so, so proud of you, dust and blood and corruption and all, your tears may burn me nightmare but I'd take the fire if it's from you.

"This isn't pretend Nightmare, it's real, you can never fool me with a lie or a trick because I'll always catch you, you're not lying to me Nightmare, you're just.. You. and that's why I stayed."

He can barely even hear him beneath his sobbing, his breaths are short and uneven and ragged and pleading, what he's begging for he doesn't know, but Blue seems to, because he leans back against the tree and curls nightmare inside his body, shielding this crying beast from the world that he's hurt so Badly.

"You're Mine, Nightmare" He says quietly. "Whether prince or thief or killer or prisoner or Child. You're mine, you can't change that anymore than you can change the fact that I love you, and we both know you can't do that."

"Please" He begs, "I'm so so sorry-" restless legs pushing against the grass and twigs and leaves as he pushes himself ever closer "I'm so sorry, God I'm so so sorry Please-"

He shushes him, as if he simply had a skinned knee or a bruise on his face, as if it means nothing to him at all. "i know you are sweetness, I know you are, it's okay, you're forgiven, the world forgives you, it forgives all of you."

"God please- I'm so- I'm so so Sorry-"

"shhhh.. you're okay, I'm here, it's okay, hand it over to me Nightmare, give it all over, I'll carry it with you."

"please-"

"You did so well getting here on your own, you did so well reaching me again, all you've had to do lay it to rest my love, lay it all down"

"oh my God-" He sobs.

"I'll take it from here."