#who cares if someone plays a character that isn't 100% authentic to how they are in the game

[warwickroyals]

So glad I was born without the trait that makes me annoyingly possessive of The Sims townies.

[dropthedemiurge]

Honestly, at this point, maybe they both should move on and focus on themselves.

I get why Dohoe is acting this way, but I still don't think it's justified, you know? I can 100% understand why he wanted to keep a wall up - I personally would want nothing to do with the person who became the perfect daughter I could never be for my abusive dad. I can even get how Dohoe might've seen himself in Hyeonho and established a truce then grew close, both of them having quietly studied their way out of that town.

I understand all of that, truly. However, Juyeong is still a person, and he doesn't deserve what he is getting. It's true Juyeong is the one who is pushing for a way back into his life. And you know what? maybe Juyeong doesn't deserve closure. But, he also doesn't deserve disingenuous intimacy or vaguely classist comments about where he is in life. He doesn't deserve the mind games. Dohoe is being very unkind. If you're going to let him back in then commit.

I think that unless we see Dohoe go and work through some sort of therapy then the best conclusion would be a bittersweet ending. One that would see Juyeong learn to not invest so much into another person and start figuring out what he even wants out of life.

Dohoe has a lot of healing to do, both of them do. Will being together make it impossible? No. But, from what we are seeing, Juyeong's presence itself is a trigger for Dohoe. Juyeong, who so quickly made a home out of Dohoe, who currently can be likened to a puppy desperate to play with his busy owner, reminds Dohoe of his own. It's quite tragic, really.

A lot of people got an off vibe between them in the episodes that just came out. The reconciliation didn't do it for me personally (could be a language barrier thing tbh). The overall tone is also getting a little too corny for my taste, I'm not a big fan of love triangles and I thought the show was actually portraying it well at the start so I am disappointed to lose that authenticity.

I did not find anything romantic about Juyeong renting a nice car when he is struggling to make rent for his apartment, just so Dohoe (who is classist now for some reason??) will give him time of dsy. If this is the direction the show is taking I will be sad at the lost potential. I have enough confidence in the show to believe that it is all intentional. I think the juxtaposition of the two sex scenes was meant to highlight their emotional distance. Something isn't quite right and I think that is exactly what we are supposed to think.

Fingers crossed for next episode. 🤞

- ☁️

That's what I thought, anon!

Maybe it's not destined for them to be happy with each other without all their burdens. After all, the show is called 'Let Free the Curse' (in Korean too), the requesting, the demanding, the pleading way, and not 'being free of the curse'. The show keeps telling these characters in every episode that they need to let themselves free of the curse, and yes - it was external first, but Dohoe and Juyeoung grew up to be adults, yet they choose the curse over and over again.

I am so damn curious where this is all going.

I agree with all your comments, but also I don't think the blame is solely on Dohoe, you know. That's the thing, there are 2 completely different viewpoints and 2 different pasts that haunts them. Like you said, Juyeong's presence itself is a trigger for Dohoe. We already heard about it in the past 2 episodes, how Dohoe sees him. He is one of 'Them' for Dohoe: enjoying and resorting to violence, selfishly expressing emotions, upholding chains and rules (be it with religion or taekwondo). Dohoe loved him and told him to go away, to break free, tried to care for him in the inevitable violent space -- yet Juyoung stayed, and continued being violent with his dad (and then befriended him), and almost dared to say this was all because of Dohoe, because he sacrificed himself for him when nobody asked him to. As someone who almost became the monster too (when he grabbed that knife), no wonder Dohoe hated the past and everyone connected with it on that side. Juyoung is a selfish monster who made him happy and then came to haunt him. I get it.

And for Juyoung, Dohoe was a sunshine in rain, the little snowflake of happiness in the middle of a shitty life and abandonment. They shared first kisses and thrills, hiding from everyone, dreaming of running away to Seoul together, dreaming about the entire future together - that's how he was able to bear and withstand every beating, every shitty day and neverending insults. His parents got rid of him in hopes he'll stop being a sinner, and Juyeoung couldn't do it, but he found Dohoe – but wait, Dohoe disappeared and left him too. Without explanations, without giving hope (until the message was found years later). Everyone left him, so Juyeoung latched at the monster who beat him up because he felt the similar loneliness. Of course, this will always hurt, of course, he won't be able to move on, of course 12 years time gap feels like one long day because the questions were never answered, because hope was never properly torn out of him. And him seeing Dohoe living a 'better' and more rich life, saying he's finally free but obviously living a lie, still, like he used to -- again, more unanswered questions, and Juyoung deserves answers!

I think language barrier is one thing, but I also got an off vibe with their reconciliation, not in Korean but more like how fast it happened. How not enough information or discussion was provided - but then the episode proved that Dohoe deliberately avoids talking about it, and Juyeoung doesn't call him out, so I think the 'reconciliation' is also a deliberately shown lie. Like a fake snow that is only a surrogate of real happiness.

We're not supposed to be satisfied with them yet. They aren't. Like you said, something isn't quite right and I also think that's exactly what is being told to us. Hohyeon is another guy who's stuck in the past and this curse, but he deserves his own post xD But yes, to me it feels like very deliberate. Happy reunion isn't happy at all.

I'm not sure we'll ever be happy for them, unless both of them let free the curse, once and for all.

[bird-inacage]

Love Sea: Fortpeat's Letters to Mahasamut & Tongrak (Q1 - Q10)

Here I go again into detective mode. I've been searching through the letters that the cast have written to their characters, to see what further hints are to be found on Mahasamut and Tongrak.

🌊 Maturity through Hardship

Mahasamut may be the younger of our two, but he's been through a lot. "Your life has never been easy", which indicates overcoming odds that are stacked against you. It's those life experiences that have led Mut to become very mature, someone who is both "reasonable" and "thoughtful". He can come across wiser than his years, to the surprise of those around him (including Fort himself apparently). He notes Mut's ability to "see through people's true nature", which alludes to insightfulness and a good judge of character. It could also mean the ability to see the good in someone, despite how they present. It's easy to forget his real age. Someone whose had to grow up too fast may need a support network that embraces his big kid at times.

🌊 Determination in Adversity

The fact that Mahasamut has already been through so much and continues to experience "heartache and body ache" during the series - which Fort playfully quips 'is that enough for you?' indicates a person whose is astonishingly resilient and welcomes tough trials. (I assume this is in reference to the BTS clips of him looking bruised). It takes real strength of character to constantly pick yourself back up, without becoming defeatist or jaded. To see these obstacles as opportunities rather than setbacks, something to take in your stride as best you can.

🌊 'Live, Laugh, Love': Being True to Yourself

Fort mentions Mahasamut's honesty and his humour. As cheesy as the above motto is, I do get the sense that Mut is a person who strives to live fully, passionately and freely. Who really values life and being his authentic self. And by all means, when you're dialled up to 100 all the time, you could be a lot for some people. Too much of a good thing may be what gets on Tongrak's nerves initially.

✍️ A Lonely Existence

One of the initial theories I made about Tongrak as a writer is that this could indicate a very solitary lifestyle. Peat mentions if Tongrak feels lonely because he lives alone in a big house. This could explain why he has flings, because he's trying to fill a void. Loneliness can be due external factors that are hard to control (such as your career or upbringing causing isolation), or internal (pushing others away or feeling like no one understands you).

Peat makes a point of saying Tongrak deserves to be cared for. He may deem himself undeserving through his own perception of self or via the judgement of others. Aya's letter to Kaimook also mentions that Tongrak needs someone like Mahasamut by his side, as she was running around taking care of him. This seems to imply he doesn't have many he can lean on or turn to.

✍️ A Guarded Façade

Peat mentions how nice it was to play a more relaxed and cute side to Tongrak. A side that clearly isn't privy to everyone. Tongrak may be a bit uptight but it's very likely that his confidence and assuredness is just a persona, and he needs to learn how to let those walls down once in a while. "Everyone can be weak sometimes" can be interpreted as Tongrak feeling ashamed of weakness, or being unable to project any vulnerability.

I think it's natural for creators and artists to seek a little validation. And with that is the pressure of meeting people's expectations, of proving yourself, of opening yourself up to criticism. Perhaps this is also why Tongrak seeks comfort in people finding him attractive. It might be the one characteristic he knows he'll receive guaranteed positive reinforcement for, but it's ultimately not because of who he is underneath.

THEORIES: DYNAMICS TO BE EXPLORED

Optimism vs Pessimism

It seems to me like one of the potential differences between them is Mahasamut's positivity (optimism) vs Tongrak's negativity (pessimism). I just get 'Why?' and 'Why not?' energy from these two. Mahasamut doesn't allow knocks to easily break his spirit or his ability to bounce back. And if we're being cliché, those who grow up in more rural surroundings, whose livelihoods rely on the elements can be more hardy because they've had to be. Whereas Tongrak seems much less secure emotionally. Peat specifically reassures Tongrak that he will get through the hard times even if he is struggling right now, which sounds like a rather disheartened mindset.

Preserving Spiritedness

I have a hunch that Mahasamut's boisterous nature will be what injects some much needed relief or liveliness that Tongrak may be missing in his life. And in response to that, it would be natural for Tongrak to develop a really protective streak over Mahasamut's rare brand of vivaciousness. This would also play into the age dynamic well.

[yomiurinikei]

rei mekaru (shocker i know)

we r ginger liker solidarity.... yuuki/yuki likers and rei likers need to come together and be allied...

~*~

My identity hc for them

oh shit tumblr is auto formatting in bullet points thats fun. uhhh w/rei i pretty much like any combination of ace/aro spec + lesbian. 100% lesbian rei? aro lesbian rei? aroace rei? all epic all amazing. i started hc'ing this back in like.. vv early sdra days. and i think its just part of who i am now... i think she doesnt really experience much attraction in general and has a bit of a hard time labeling how she feels because. of her general emotional trauma. so tbh i can see her kinda rotating through labels? i think she keeps it very to her self tho. she doesn't like people assuming she's cishet but she also doesn't want to come out as straightn't, so she just snaps at people who try and drag her into convos about identity.

similarly i think she struggles with really.. going "wow this is so me this is exactly what i am" when it comes to gender identity. i think she's very.. "well im Definitely not a guy, and i dont think im anything else, so..." ie, she's more prone to defining herself by what she isn't than what she is. which is perfectly okay!!! i don't think she'd consider herself trans, but she may occasionally like the label genderqueer. (yes i know that trans people r anyone who's gender deviates from what they were told they should be, but while it is an umbrella term, people can decide if they like it for themselves a lot! and i don't think rei would really like any label other than "idk man its weird", which she likes to use on/off) again tho i dont think she's very into sharing that with people, at least as a teen.

Thoughts on their home life/family

im so curious what her time was like when she was all alone??? i think that's something thats fairly unexplored, is her time between her parents not being able to care for her, and her becoming self-sufficient. ultimately i dont have much to say here, i like how linuj handled her backstory, i just think it wouldve been cool to see more of it, not that there was any good place to write it in, but i love bonus modes and would like to see maybe how the dra survivors coped w/what they learned in the sixth trial in a bonus mode about how the kisa foundation became what it is now.

How i feel about their canonical writing/handling

mmm... tbh. i like rei, i think her growth from dra to sdra2 was handled well- she still feels like rei, while also serving her narrative role- ie. there's not much you can do when shawty gets exploded in the prologue and then has to play second fiddle to tsurugis viola of fucking evil. sadly, we can't do much with the kisa foundation and showing how rei and tsurugi have changed and have the pacing of the chapter still be intact, when we see rei, its mostly just her being voice of reason because someone has to give exposition on what the foundation knows while tsurugi has a meltdown. i think her development feels authentic and natural, if she maybe feels a biiit.. i dont know how to word it, but she almost feels a bit too calm? less snarky at points than i'd think she'd be, and than what i'd like to see. but again, we can explain that as being due to the role she has to play for the story.

ultimately, while not necessarily my cup of tea, i'm just not prone to latching onto characters like rei a whole lot! i def think she's handled well, oddly well for linuj in general, and v oddly well for a female character written by linuj. i like her, im just not brain rotted about her

The one thing i’d want to make canon about them

hmmmmm... im not gonna lie i can't really think of anything? after thinking about it while i typed up. essentially the whole rest of this post, i think it'd be cool if she and kabuya were friends after sdra2. yuuki is... .... ..........lets not talk about what hes up to, syobai and iroha are just a whole fucking mess. theyre a bit busy dealing with heads in boxes. and tsurugi is just sooo normal he's too normal really.

so i think they could meet and chat about how Fucking Insane the games were, in a way that other kg survivors wouldnt get, since they didnt have to deal with divine luck and what it does to people. also seeing as akane saved rei in dra and then. ya know. Soruko. i think that'd be a interesting convo for them to have, both kinda understanding more about akane taira. i think that'd be really neat!

My number one favorite ship for them

hm.... reikako by default of i dont think much about rei ships, and they have a significant amount of canon material. i do wonder though what their relationship was like pre-despair, it feels like a lot of the school life info we have is on utsuro or tsurugi? buuut yeah. also as kinda established i think rei is uncertain where she stands on attraction/her thoughts change a lot and. yeah. so this is less a romantic thing and moreso i want inside linujs brain so i can know what he thinks except he like. officially has stated he doesnt know shit abt sdra anymore which is SO UPSETTING

…Now everyone else i ship with them

i think rei/kizuna/kiyoka could be cute!!! also i kinda just like giving akane gfs, and i don't really think they'd be that compatible, but i think if they had a weird little queercoded friendship for like. the duration of one year during their stay at hpa, and it leaves akane feeling more confident and comfortable with herself as her own person, and leaves rei with a LOT of questions, while they also never really cross the line between friends and something more, that'd be cool and fun. just normal gals being pals things.

The thing i will NEVER ship

im so sorry. 2020 sdrainsta has made me incapable of terurei propaganda. i support people who ship it as a matter of fact im so glad we r now in a place where people can ship it or not ship it and everyone can just be fine and happy. but i dont think ill ever be able to see the vision.

a dynamic/relationship i wish was explored more (in canon, or in fandom)

i wish in sdra2 we saw more on the dynamic that grew between rei and mikako in dra. i think it'd be cool to see that discussed a bit more seeing how it was. mikakos in game memories that formed the basis for sora iirc.

thoughts on their design (appearance-wise)

mmm...... why the fuck did linuj use so much blue in the dra cast color palettes... i remember i had this dentist appointment that was really evil and like. literal hours longer than it was supposed to be, and to try and distract myself i went through the cast and counted who had blue in their design and who didnt. it took a long time because i was in so so so much pain but like. iirc its just mikako akane and yuki. and also mikako wears blue in ch4. so. THATS NOT RELEVANT THOUGH.

uhhhh. im not a huge fan of her outfit just because i dont like the skirt. her og design was a school uniform and i think it kinda shows and im not a huge fan of it? my brain keeps getting mixed up on the length of her skirt but yeah. its just so vibrant and pigmented and so is her hair and its like. the lower half of her fit just feels so high school uniform and i dont really like it. i think her hair is super cute in the bonus sketch (the just-woke-up one) on her character sheet tho.

i also don't really like her fit in sdra2. i think the labcoat is super nice (i like the ombre effect it looks good) and while its not too practical i dont hate the vest short skirt tights combo. but im not a fan of the color palette, its just so dark, so u have her bright hair and the bright coat, but the dark grey and black, in vertical stripes just kinda dominates it in my brain. and i don't really like it? i really dont like the grey with her hair.

she is very pretty. but im not a fan of the fits linuj puts her into

A music-related thought- a song that reminds me of them, or what their music taste is, etc

hmmm.. this is a very foreign concept to me but i dont think reis huge on music. i think for the most part she listens to songs she has memories associated with- she doesn't seem huge on the arts or. ya know. emotional connection? so i think while she wouldn't really vibe with anything particular of her own accord, listening to music which was playing when something emotional happened to her both improves the music, and also. helps her with being in touch with her emotions and letting herself feel. if that makes sense?

[cupcakesandhags]

hi there. beau isn't a white character to start. regardless, as far as the concern regarding my use of the term stud, i'm happy to share my thoughts. irl i, while a poc & half-black, came into queer dating/culture/adulthood in circles where stud wasn't an identity term really in use. and while butch is the closest equivalent i think there are some nuanced differences in what is meant when saying those terms, at least dependent on who is talking. in that situation (aside from the 'i don't think this is an accurate description of myself' factor) i don't feel 100% comfortable using the term stud for myself regardless of my heritage. and i would personally feel some similar discomfort if other friends/hookups/partners, poc or not, who had similar experiences as me coming into their queer identity did so. because it would feel inauthentic and frankly performative. that's not to say it couldn't ever become authentic, or to discount the experiences of poc who like my own self grew up in very culturally waspy environments, but i see this as much as or more of cultural term vs racial identifier. to be clear i'm not confronting anyone over this - i firmly believe my feelings are my own to manage and it's not my role in most situations to question the authenticity of someone's identity or cultural expressions, but my guard would be raised regardless.

on the other hand, someone who came into their queer identity/gender expression in a community/subculture where stud is the common term, and feels it applies to them descriptively, i would care much more that it's being used authentically and genuinely from personal experience than what specific race that person is.

personally, when it comes to whether someone can use the term stud (which i'm interpreting "be" to mean in this situation) i think it's quite complex and a lot more based on cultural & shared experiences than a strictly racial identifier. i've also seen some discussions on a similar line about is stud only allowed for black lesbians or are all poc lesbians allowed and my feelings on that really echo this - is it authentic and real to you? are you giving yourself and others respect when you use the term? why are you choosing that descriptor? etc. etc.

all of those thoughts aside, realistically, as much as cr plays a role in my life neither beau or yasha actually exist and the cultural complexities of butch vs stud are nonexistent in the fictional world of exandria. since i think the terms while quite similar can have different meanings and neither have any equivalent to the fantasy medium this is in, i am perfectly comfortable with either term being discussed IF it's being done so respectfully.

all in all, you're welcome to associate my stud comment as implicating only beau. regardless, i think neither of them would merit the use of the term butch as generally used. that certainly doesn't mean femme in presentation especially as how that word is used in relation to butch/femme presentations/relationships.

Day one of trying to join cr servers after like a year of not being in them and immediately people in this server are violently insisting that yasha cannot possibly be butch and she is a housewife and also "femme supreme" and...I just....did we watch the same...you know what never mind

[mooglecharm]

[TRESE] [SPOILERS] Random venting to get my energy going today.

(image from Netflix's official Twitter account)

TOC:

Item 1: Alex as an emotional character

Item 2: The focus on "family"

Item 3: Alex's age

Item 4: "Actors of Filipino descent or actors who can do a Filipino accent."

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

Item 1: Alex as an emotional character

One of the biggest deviations between the comic and the Netflix series is that Alex has a chance to explore her emotions in the series.

Don't get me wrong: I don't have a big problem with this creative decision. At the very least, I found it interesting.

But part of Alex's appeal in the comic, for me, was the lack of internal drama. In the comic, she's 100% unabashed badass with no off switch, the perfect mafia head: all business, all the time.

Having her delve into her feelings and grow emotionally in the series, then, feels a little forced and...generic. Like another run-of-the-mill coming-of-age action-adventure anime, meant to appeal to the broadest audience possible.

In contrast, I feel the original indie run of the comics didn't really care about what the audience might like to see. Alex is a boss-type figure, and the comic makes no apologies for it. It actually makes sense there that the twins would call her "bossing" and not "ate"; she projects the air that she would not hesitate to severely punish (or outright banish) them if they misbehaved.

The affectionate moniker "bossing" also hints that the twins were raised not so much as her adopted brothers, but as her servants: trained since a young age to be her protectors and underlings.

And speaking of family...

Item 2: The focus on "family"

Alex in the comics strikes me as someone who values family, found or otherwise. She may not express it openly, but it doesn't need to be dramatized, either.

Alex just isn't a warm person in the comics. Even her interactions with actual blood relations there have to do with work. One of her most famous lines in the comic is "My name is Alexandra Trese. I am nothing like my father" - telling the reader that she acts independently of family.

Outside of immediate family, Alex may treat people in a comradely way, but she remains distant. Hank was always a trusted confidant and friend, but the twins are pretty definitely regarded as servants.

In the Philippines, we like to say that we treat servants like family. They can sleep under our roof, share our food, and go through important life experiences with us, if they so choose. So I always saw the twins as LIKE family to Alex, but aren't, really. The series seems to take them further into family territory.

I have no quarrel with this, because it is FUN to think of the three of them as having a relatable familial relationship. But as a fan of the comics first, it is new to me and will take a bit of getting used to.

Trese family ties aren't really played up in the comics, I think. So I find the focus on family in the series ultimately jarring and - dare I say it? - pandering to the international Pinoy community.

Like - yeah, Pinoys love family, we know. And what would make Alex recognizably Filipino without her dedication to family on explicit display, right?

I'll tell you what would make Alex Pinoy without it, though: EVERYTHING ELSE.

Item 3: Alex's age

I seem to recall that in the comics, Alex is in her early 30s. In the series it seems she's in her early 20s...or maybe the design just makes her look younger?

As an older fan, myself, I would have preferred that Alex stay looking and acting 30-ish. But the series does offer up an interesting what-if in the style of "how could Alex have handled certain problems if she were younger and newer to the job?"

Item 4: "Actors of Filipino descent or actors who can do a Filipino accent."

^ Heard this said by someone on Trese After Dark and it made me raise an eyebrow.

Also read on some writeups that the decision to go for Pinoy accents in the English version was a conscious one, because they wanted to bring "authenticity" to the production.

My feelings about this are mixed. I can see the desire for "authenticity." However, I can't really call it essential. A lifetime of experience as a consumer of dubbed anime has told me that stories CAN be both relatable and culturally "authentic" without the dubbers using/faking local accents.

In fact, it may be easier for international audiences to relate to a story if the accents were "neutral", or else diverse.

As it is, it feels a bit as if there was an attempt to cheapen and commodify the way Filipinos speak in English. Even hiring non-Pinoy VAs to work on a "Pinoy accent" feels a bit overdone.

(Don't get me wrong: I have much respect for the non-Pinoy VAs. They're extremely talented in their own rights and deserve Pinoy fans' adoration [I LOVE YOU MR. BLUM]. But they would have rocked at their roles anyway even if Pinoy accents hadn't come into play.)

I mean, it might be jarring for the audience to have some VAs speaking with a Filipino accent, and some not. But ultimately, I think I would have preferred this. If a VA is Pinoy or of Pinoy blood, and has a Pinoy accent, LET THEM USE IT. But if not, just don't.

May add more as they occur to me. for now, i think i've risked offending enough fellow fans for one day ✌️

[alannahaisling]

The day I slipped into a Panic and anxiety attack.

This, this is going to be long winded.

I'm just going to come out and say it. No, I don't want sympathy. This is just me using this particular blog for what it was meant for. A space for me to vent, to be my authentic self. To reflect, to just let things spill out from my mind through my fingers and onto the screen on which you may be reading this.

First things first. The Icons I'll be using here are not rp muns, they are simply my emotions on display. My IRL self as displayed by characters I adore from the Teen Titans fandom.

Ooookay lets get down it.

I help moderate a stream, have been doing it for a while. I became fast friends with the streamer and pull long hours. Roughly 4-5 hours per stream, unless I have class the next day.

To my knowledge, nobody ever had an issue with me. Save the odd person here or there, that may have disagreed with me, but at least they would tell me to my face, and I would shrug it off and move on. It was as simple as that.

My friend, who I love to death, has on more than one occasion had to reassure me that I was actually doing a good job. I lost count how many times I asked if I needed to improve, or if there were any rough areas that may need to change.

A good chunk of the time, they would just kinda raise their voice, and be like. "Damnit, you're good. You're fine." and then try to cheer me up with silly cat pictures. My ultimate kryptonite.

This friend of mine has worked with me for a few years now, talking about deep heavy personal stuff. They know I am medically diagnosed with ptsd, social anxiety, and have been dealing with depression for years. So they're not a stranger to my triggers and I love them for respecting when I need to just be alone, or only want some quality time one on one for a few hours. You hear that you knucklehead? Yeah you, I know you at least read this shit.

Moving on.

On friday, we had a.. bad night of it. Not even an hour in, after happily gathering folks who wanted to play the chosen game with us that night, someone. Who I will call 2P, dumped a huge paragraph, attacking my character and personality as a mod, in my friends private discord DMS.

2P for months, had been telling me to my face, that they saw me as a best friend, that anything I ever said and or did would be safe to do. You know the whole, you can trust me bit. I blindly trusted, and hind sight maybe I shouldn't have.

Meanwhile the entire time, I apparently had been talked about behind my back, negatively for a while? I don't know.

So we paused the stream, and go into another server that's locked down to a limited set of people and discuss it. Friend is, PISSED, but is trying to not yell, and asks me what we should do about it.

In my head I'm just reeling. I'm asking my friend, if I'm a bad mod, if I've fucked up somewhere, I'm totally confused. I can't concentrate, and there's this choking hurt in my chest. One I know all too well.

The feeling of dread. The feeling that I messed up, that I'm useless, and a fraud.

My friend is trying hard to make sure I'm okay, by this point they know, this has fucked with my head. In a huge way. 17- going on 18 years of therapy suddenly going down the drain, spiralling out of control.

They Cut the stream short.

I'm exhausted, tired, feeling beaten. I just say a few things to 2P and leave their discord server, kick them from my private one, and from the one I made for my streamer friend for the game we play with other people. In addition, also a possible person who may cause me issues, because 2P's probably been shit talking me for a few months now.

Friend is arguing on my behalf, another mutual and their friend, instantly demands to get in call. We'll call them... Uh.. Fuck, Tataru , and Estinien for sake of ease. Tataru is having none of it, they are witnessing my typed anxieties. They are hearing our mutual friend, trying very hard to not just *yell*.

2P is dropping the nasty paragraph in other dms now, belonging to other regulars. It's escalating pretty fast. I am now a villain, and a victim in one role, and 2P is also playing the role of victim because my dearest friend just told 2P Off.

"2P, isn't getting it!" My friend is saying with a calm anger. "2P is just constantly going on and on about how (my name) is bad for the stream." Or something to that effect. "They don't even fucking realize how fucking hurtful they are being."

"You need to stop responding." Tataru is saying. "Just, tell the mother fucker, NO and block 2P on everything."

I guess 2P is quickly realizing that they are losing the fight, so they come into my dms. Shit forgot to block them there. I think in my head, and I see them trying to bring the argument to me. They tell me, that I'm handling the situation all wrong.

I don't even respond. I'm tired. I'm just done. I'm mentally slipping back to the days I was mentally and emotionally abused, and gaslit.

GASLIT.

GASLIT!

I block 2P. For my mental health.

Estinien with their calming voice, is outlining streamer etiquette rules. 2P is definitely out of line, as a viewer. If we want, Estinien can pretty much hit up a wider streamer network, and have the name of 2P blacklisted from other communities.

By this point, another regular is talking to my friend asking what is going on. Then another. Slowly, I read through logs my friend has dumped into the 4 person private call.

Then I see it.

"I'll just lie through my teeth to her about why I'm leaving or something. Just don't tell (My name) I said any of this. " In regards to the in game guild My friend and I Co Run.

Silently mutter to myself. Not that the others can hear me, my headsets broken. "Ah, the other shoe has dropped. 2P's been lying to me the whole time. I've been gaslit all over again. No wonder I feel like I do."

Estinien and Tataru get sleepy and go to bed. My friend stays up as long as they can as I sort my head out, trying to timeline events. I'm given logs, screen shots. 2P's been blocked. I lock down my twitter for a day. I lose 20 hours sleep.

I spent those 20 hours of no sleep, asking and apologizing to regulars if 2P has ever talked to them about me. Most of them say NO, and reassure me I'm a good mod, that I make the stream warm, fun, welcoming and comfortable for all kinds of people.

A good friend of mine, who I will ironically call Angellica, because we call each other sis, and I view myself as Eliza from Hamilton. Once had told me to be careful with 2P from the start, because they had a bad vibe about them, is PISSED off, and yeets them out of an in game group chat. "Fuck em, 2P's a troll."

I realize, that Angellica literally stood by and chose my happiness. Cause yeah, I thought 2P was someone I could trust. After what happened though, I realized that I had been mistaken and apologized, To Angellica.

Now 2P is going around seeing who still will consider them friends, or are neutral parties. I was made aware of this because one of them, a mature friend actually asked me what 2P was going on about. So I gave them the run down. They were disgusted with 2P's behavior.

Now a days, 2P takes screen shots of anybody on twitter, that has blocked them and smears their names.

2P still doesn't get it.

But I'm moving on from it.

I have screenshots and logs. But I don't ever plan on releasing them publicly.

So yeah, 2P if you ever come across this, and figure out I'm talking about you, I severed ties with you, because friends don't lie to each other, Friends don't talk behind each others backs, they don't force other good close friends to sit on the *truth* of how you feel. Friends can disagree, and can have different opinions.

But You burned your bridges yourself.

I've always had a three strike ruleset.

One: You lied to my face multiple times.

Two: You pretended to be my friend.

Three: You actively gaslit me, and my friend.

Sooo THAT'S why I cut ties with you. Your behavior after that was just you playing the victim, and none of us 30 plus year olds were just going to sit by and let you have your 20 something year old tantrum.

I bare you no ill will, and I doubt any of us are going to even blast you in an open space like twitter releasing the logs or screen shots. I'm just noping out of this parasocial relationship because that's all it was. I refuse to be used, as a way for people to get close to and use my friend as they work on their passions and goals.

Adieu 2P , nothing was lost the day I walked away, except all the work my friend did to get me out of my isolated shell. But you know what? They'll just pull me back out, and support me 100% You'll never break us up.