#while also still being small enough that it doesn't feel mainstream. i don't mean that in a hipster way i mean that in a safe way

[scrawnytreedemon]

Logged onto cohost to find it read-only as of the start of this month and set to shut down by the end of this year. I'm not particularly surprised, but it is saddening. Massive props to the devs for doing all they could-- It felt like a lovely place, while it lasted.

[hesitantvampirealien]

bye!

i hope this doesn't sound dramatic, it's just... something to make everyone aware of the situation and possibly the last time i'll have any transparency with you unfortunately

you're not gonna see my thoughts here anymore unless it's something really small and/or related to an interest of mine. It's only gonna be art, reblogging things i enjoy and other things that don't say anything about me, i don't want to talk about my thoughts again

This is my most active and also most viewed account, and even though at the beginning i had this as just some random blog i would post whatever i wanted at first and vent here to avoid self harm, since i would be taking my anger out on the keyboard instead of my wrists, right now this blog has been getting big enough to cause me problems - i still have no idea how my profile suddenly started catching attention of nazi blogs - and i'm just done with how much everything i do is taken like a personal threat and i'm treated like i'm some cartoon villain, it's not a new thing by any means, i've had this happen before, i got doxxed once a while back and threatened in my personal phone number, i've had pedants talk to me like i'm an inferior being, even my own step mother had a sick obsession for demonizing me at all costs for unknown reasons, i had all kinds of inconveniences. The real problem this time is that, in all honesty, i've just become tired and hurt. I'm aging. I'm just tired of everything being escalated in order to make it all about how much i'm being a bad person who's actively causing harm to people, like everything i said caused a massive butterfly effect that will wipe out entire populations

i would like to reintroduce myself and point out a few things.

You can call me Noodle, Poison or Gerard, i'm 20 years old, and i have a few disabilities that cause me to be unable to empathize and cause me to struggle to understand things like ethics, morals, seriousness, grief, etc. I come from a less than ideal background so most of the things i learned were pure violence and a lot of prejudice in many aspects, things that i'm still trying to unlearn. My request has always been there, to be kindly taught when fitting.

The truth is that the narrative of aspd simply being a condition that gets on people's way in some aspects is not as interesting as the one of a person with aspd being a cold blooded murdeous psychopathic maniac, someone who was born evil and fated to be a monster. People don't like to be told their view on that is wrong because they're taught to fear people like me, mainly by mainstream true crime content producers like TV channels that are filled to the brim of this stereotype and constantly repeating it

To any of my friends who are reading this, sadly you'll probably just have to stay worried forever about not knowing if i'm fine or not but if it makes you feel better, if i'm posting, then i'm probably alive. I'm just kidding, you can literally just dm me and ask me if i'm fine. I won't be, probably, since i'll bottle up my emotions all over again and probably start cutting my wrist all over again because i'll be bottling up again - journaling doesn't work for me, i feel worse when i "talk to myself" in a way so most of the times writing for myself is inefficient, i'm not sure why, i just know that when i write to myself i feel absolutely ridiculous and start feeling worse because i'm self conscious about the fact that i'm a lonely loser talking to myself - and the feeling of not belonging anywhere and not deserving anyone's affection whatsoever is amplified tenfold right now, in all honesty

so i apologize if anyone first thought of me as someone who refused to conform, since i'm conforming to the mainstream right now and shutting myself up and bottling everything up again and relearning aspd shame lolol

I was told tumblr was welcoming. I was wrong

[meandmyechoes]

i think a lot of frustration i have with the mandalorian (watching it real-time the first time) is unfairly redirected from my timidness to interact with "mainstream" star wars fandom. I'm jealous of the attention it's getting.

our local fandom is already small, and traditional in its making-up of middle-aged men. I joined a few facebook groups in observation, both local and global. Outside of tumblr, the original fandom activity is centered on either swordfighting or toy collecting. While I appreciate the talent shown in customization and diaoramas, it's not as satisfactory for my experience as it would about creative work and literary criticism.

I also feel kinda prejudiced to catch all fans as "mindless fanboys" but that has been consistent with my observations so far but as always i've been biased and looked down on everyone— Even though I'm interacting with the Ordinary Male™ and they are always less intelligent than I am— Either way it doesn't sit well with me

On the forum, where I have more anonymity, I'm braver to voice out even if the userbase says really sexist things sometimes, (fortunately not overlap with star wars posts). It's okay becuase it's grassroot humour. It's also not okay because at my least observant, I'd still be reminded to "why so serious". I'm definitely exaggerating here because last times I post several long metas the reponse has been wholly positive — I can't place the origin but I just feel very out of place with the local community :(

The weird thing is the attention there isn't even something I need? I have a very satisfactory fandom life here (that's why I come to the uniqueness of this platform in the first place) but I'm instead dwelling on a first-world problem

Like, of course I'm happy more people are liking Star Wars and now curious about my era, I'm slightly gatekeeping?

No that wasn't the issue. There was this party-pooper right-wing man in the group that is the worst. His repeated, insensitive word choice, craving attention. I think there are valid criticisms regarding Disney's treatment of the sequel trilogy and their hypocrisy at diversity versus telling good stories but this guy's wording and attitude comes off so hostile it feels like even if we have common ground, I'd still be labelled as a brainless leftist Karen. But it's really just that one guy and it's not like he's even that influential I think? All the same it makes me feel very uncomfortable talking about certain issues without disclaimers every time. But I'm definitely over-thinking in this respect because it's not out of necessity we interact even if we share the same platform. And he's just one outlier case.

I think the root of the anxiety is coming fron as an Animation fan, and we've been receving the short end for years. As a universal trend Children-oriented media has always been despised and receives blame for being "too kiddy". But what they don't realize it's that there are very important messages to be sent through these shows and making them palatable for children and adults alike is no easy task, and those shows that succeed should be praised and taught with. What's important is that the violence and trauma depicted is enough to springboard children into their own research, raise their awareness and tell them there's a big world out there.

It's so infuriating how in the Kamen Rider fandom, those complaints come not only from man-childs, but actual 14-year-olds who think they're too cool for school. I mean if you don't like the direction of the show, you can just, drop it?

The most common excuse I've heard about people missing out on the shows is they just don't have time, which is reasonable, and relatable, for a 133-episode show. There are more dismissal towards Rebels but always accompanied by comments in its defense. So I think those who are passionate enough about Star Wars to join the local online community, are not entire jerks to animated canons but instead are too busy or not their favourite era to focus on, which is totally valid! The thing is I've heard mostly positive comments on Clone Wars (albeit horny ones from time to time, luckily I'm 18+ now), but I'm still very cautious about revealing myself as a female fan, and that of the animated shows, and that who knows little of the OT or swordfighting. I think I'll be more comfortable if I could dm someone and get a concrete sample of the audience before I feel more confident to put myself out there. It's definitely not like they're bad people, but there's a discrepancy in our fundamental paths of enjoying Star Wars and that may lead to a rocky start. It's like having different majors :/

Another point is involving myself there could be my most sexist experience yet. Yes, even more than a woman in STEM. I'm mature enough to handle even more tinted lenses thrown on me I just won't be very used to it. The other close encounter I had was visiting a warehouse sale a few months ago. The owner was obviously surprised to see a girl visit such a niche event and gestured me the Leia toys. He was friendly in every way but I immediately sniffed the stereotypical assumption. 1) Nobody loves the Prequels and 2) Girls only like girl characters. It was a brief conversation as I rushed to Maul's side and started checking out the clone troopers. Though no hard feelings, the incident adds to how I've been consistently right about my generalization of the (male) fandom.

And it comes back to a vicious cycle about how such anxiety hinders representation, and the lack of familiar voices fuels that anxiety. It's easier here because this is my personal blog and not everything is meant to induce a response. I feel more comfortable speaking things aren't designed to be understood or to communicate here. But out there with a bunch of elders instead of peers (whom I respect even if they haven't seen/don't like Clone Wars, because I hold them to the same expertise in their era as I do with mine), it's tricky to navigate between condescension and firmness, humility and shamelessness. I do feel compelled to "prove" myself if I'm even to share a post in the group. You know? The feeling of working extra hard just to be judged without prejudice?

P.S. Since I mentioned the Right-wing Guy I should also mention the only active female member I saw in the group. She definitely sounds like an older adult and obviously a Disney fan, and just, very stereotypically a "Hong Kong Gal" (-ve intonation), in her obsession with Disneyland and Pandoa bracelets. And I'm unnecessarily disappointed by that because I too look down on capitalism and corporate monopoly.

**********

On a tangent, let's take the opportunity to briefly talk about sexualization of The Clone Wars.

A baffling phenomenon I noticed coming back is the explosion of reader fics, nsfw reader fics. Now I'm not a fanfic person first and foremost so I'm even more baffled by the necessity of the existence of such fics. I am utilitarian on this matter. While I personally do not enjoy them, there's nothing morally corrupt about the bloom and it honestly stays just beyond my alert of annoyance.

I attribute the bloom to first, how like me, the first generation of tumblr users (and thus its majority) are now adults and would like to explore the indulgence. But I just take a step back and imagine the tight, tight frown on my 16-year-old self had she seen the clone wars tag flooded with nsfw fics. She'd flee the site and bleach her eyes so bad.

But that definitely isn't a problem. Although it caught me off guard, the insert writers I've come across are passionate people who abide by tag etiquette, so it's all good, and safe.

On the other hand…

Sexualized Ahsoka isn't my first rodeo. Actually, it probably was my first rodeo with many more in the decade that came. 2009 was the time when even official art sexualized her horribly, let alone the power of Google Images. To this day, it's still easy to find ani//soka fanart (pregnant fanart, in the 2011 deviantart flat colour) outside here (on top of the usual hellship *sigh*). But if you don't go look them up, it's mostly okay.

but yeah, winding back to the "mainstream" entry problem I've been ranting about, I keep seeing fetish threads/comments regarding Ahsoka and it's just very uncomfortable to have my exposure in that accumulate. It's a little bit better here than mainland which I've shunned away totally becuase they just, takes nothing seriously. Of course I do agree Ahsoka has grown into a beautiful young woman and her badassary is off the charts but maybe, one can keep inappropriate thoughts to themselves?

Joking about physical attraction towards a fictional character is… so trivial I ain't even gonna bother (and the age issue really don't need to be repeated) — the joke got old. But seeing men comment on female figures like that, with no mindfulness that they are on a very public forum is just pathetic. It really shows you how deep men can sink.

(and those horny but appreciative comments is only tip of the iceberg from that too explicit one i wish to delete from my mind. I really hope that doesn't become a recurring issue when Ahsoka is live-actionized ﾟ･｡(´Д⊂ヽ)

It's totally gonna become an issue.

[frustratedcastingdirector]

The Times (UK) 10/16/2003

Alex O'Connell goes weak-kneed in the presence of Mark Ruffalo, the anti Hollywood star of In the Cut If there was such a thing as a textbook outsider, Mark Ruffalo would be one. Like Dostoevsky's Raskolnikov, Rilke's Malte Laurids Brigge and, well, Buffy, he is in a netherworld all of his own. Metaphorically speaking, Ruffalo sits on a park bench in the middle of an LA traffic island staring into the smog while most of Tinseltown is vrooming down the highways talking about their Japanese advertising campaigns and what happens if you smoke right after Pilates while on the Atkins. We meet in a hotel in Park Lane, in a suite which has more chintz than a Chelsea draper's. Still, Ruffalo cuts through the frills and fancy, like a pair of industrial shears. To be frank, the furnishings don't get a look-in. His face is soft and crumpled like a baby boxer, his hair is a pile of Italianate curls tousled to unstyled perfection, his eyes are the same lazy, deep brown as his pinstripes. On the soulless hotel interview circuit, Ruffalo is as refreshing as the cold shower I should be having. He doesn't try, he hasn't rehearsed answers, he doesn't care if he says something that might make his agent twitch. Give the man a part in one of the films of the year! (Oh, he's already got one.) A respected theatre actor and director in America but relatively unknown here, barring a star role in the playwright Kenneth Lonergan's film debut You Can Count on Me (2000), Ruffalo is about to ease into the mainstream. The Wisconsin boy has two movies out in the next few months, both in The Times bfi London Film Festival. The first, My Life Without Me, is a drama about a woman with a terminal illness, in which he stars alongside the Canadian actress Sarah Polley. The second, and the biggie, is Jane Campion's cop thriller, In the Cut, the festival's Opening Night Gala. Adapted from the novel by Susanna Moore, the film features Ruffalo as Malloy, a hard nut homicide detective who begins an affair with Frannie, an ethereal New York academic (Meg Ryan). While Malloy is out chasing killers, she's sticking Post-it Notes scrawled with her favourite words on the wall. Ryan is good. Ruffalo is even better as the cop whose incestuous cityscape consists of dives, crime scenes and the odd sweaty mattress. At 35, Ruffalo has taken long enough to get where he is. Partly it was bad luck, he says. Three years ago he was diagnosed with a brain tumour after he finished filming The Last Castle with Robert Redford. "It naturally slowed everything down," he says, in his old-world drawl. "It was taken out immediately and it was benign, but it was a year of being out of work and reassessing. When you're young and you start getting on as the 'hot new thing', you can lose sight of what you are doing it for, and I was starting to get a little disappointed with acting. It made me reassess. Also, they go in there and tinker and you feel like you'll never be the same and, quite frankly, I didn't know if I still had my talent after that." The script for In the Cut arrived eight months after his illness. Campion asked him to lunch and she gave him the good news between courses. Initially, he was concerned about how to make what could easily have been "just another cop role" his own. "We've seen this a thousand times, more, probably," he says, "and it's been done very well by many people." Eventually he located his point of real interest. "There is some part of Malloy that wants more from his class than just where he is at in life. There is some curiosity for fineness and beauty." Research involved trailing Manhattan's cop bars and knocking back whiskey with the guys. "It took a lot of bourbon and cigarettes to get to the point where people were actually being truthful." One of the most talked about elements in the film is the nude sex scene between him and Ryan, her first in a long career. It's erotic and integral. But, boy, wasn't that, well, a pressure? "It was never comfortable," he says, shifting in his chair. "When we had known each other for three months, it was still uncomfortable, people standing around all the time...I'm married ... "I mean, I was really nervous," he laughs, "and when you're nervous it's hard to affect, erm, confidence." Did you have a thing that you did? "A technique? Well, Jane gave me The Woman's Orgasm and a bunch of books and videotapes. At one point she tried to give me an anatomy lesson on the vagina, which frankly brings up all kinds of defensive feelings in a man: 'I know what I'm doing! Why are you telling me that? Let me show you!' And that was funny, seeing myself react like that." Did he read them? "Yes, I did read them. I definitely learnt." He admits that the film's unbalanced relationship dynamic (cop/academic) probably would not work in real life. Luckily Ruffalo has no such personal concerns, as he is married to an actress, Sunrise Coigney. It's fairytale stuff: he saw her in the street, knew she was The One, and had to figure out how to meet her. She has a small part in In the Cut. Ruffalo is unusual in that he is a Hollywood actor with a very definite life outside Hollywood. It has a lot to do with his background in theatre. After moving to San Diego at 13 he uprooted to LA at 18 to study at the Stella Adler theatre school. His big break was in Betrayed by Everyone, a chunk of This is Our Youth which was made into a one-act play at a festival in LA in 1995. There began his great friendship with its writer, Kenneth Lonergan, who later invited him to audition for This is Our Youth, his play about indulged youth in the 1980s. "Since then we've been close friends," Ruffalo says. "We were both struggling in the theatre and then we both did the film You Can Count on Me and it launched our careers." These days he runs an LA theatre company, Page 97, and has written a play and a film of his own. In fact he even turned down a bunch of big studio films, including a part in The Core, because, well, it just didn't suit. And of his considerable freezer of turkeys (he's been in 28 movies, most of them poor to dreadful) he is charmingly self-mocking. Houdini -the biopic? "That is good compared to some of them," he laughs. "I don't network, I see it as kind of crass. There is just this cliquey scene in LA. I don't think that casting directors ever discover anybody, they are just told about somebody by somebody else. I'm sure there are 1,000 people like me out there who have worked really hard and done the plays and the work that really counts, but there is a lot of hyperbole in LA and the focus is in getting to places where you can be seen and get 'famous' and then all the work follows." In fact recently he's even been working on a novel, called Him, which sounds like self-parody or The Outsider Pt 2. "It's about a man who doesn't fit into the modern world," he says with a smirk. Stage, screen, plays, novels, what's it going to be? Unless he makes his mind up, doesn't he risk turning into Ethan Hawke? He sighs, a deep Ruffalo sigh. "They're gonna throw dirt on you at the end of this game, man," he says. "And I don't think you can be too careful at the cost of your life. At the end what do you have but the life you lived?" Quite. CV: MARK RUFFALO AMERICAN HISTORY Born in Wisconsin in Nov, 1967. He moved to San Diego at 18, then to LA where he studied at Stella Adler. NEW BEST FRIEND Playwright Kenneth Lonergan. Ruffalo was in This is Our Youth. MY FAVOURITE WIFE Actress Sunrise Coigney, whom he fell for in the street. UNBEARABLE LIKENESS OF BEING Compared to Marlon Brando and James Dean -"But he had no work ethic," says Ruffalo of the latter. TOPSY TURKEYS Windtalkers (2002); A Fish in the Bathtub (1999); There Goes My Baby (1994).

Article corrections: Ruffalo’s family moved to Virginia Beach, VA when he was 13;Lonergan did not invite Ruffalo to audition for “This is Our Youth,” Ruffalo had to nag him into letting him audition for it; The LA theatre company is called Page 93 not 97; and it was Marlon Brando with no work ethic.