#which sucks because i'm trying so hard... T__T

[dr-gaytorius]

being personable and pleasant by nature must be so amazing. imagine not leaving every interaction like "not my finest work and i definitely went wrong but i'm not sure where." that would be crazy

[lunchtimerushin]

hi! sorry if this is random or if it's a sensitive thing, but do you no longer ship aoka? id on't know if you already explained it somewhere already and i understand it was because of the reposters. i guess i just feel a bit sad since you have always been my favorite aoka artist... but you like something else now and draw more of that than aoka. i'm really sorry, i am glad that you are happy, just a little sad you have left us ..but! i understand you put priority in your own interests.

Hi!! Don’t worry about it; it’s just a slight sore spot but it has more to do with something personal than the community or the pairing itself. I’m really honored to hear that aaa;;

I’m sorry if I disappointed you; it wasn’t my intention. T__T;; Err, in a way to explain myself: when it comes to shipping, I become attracted to pairings that reflect what I’m seeking at the moment. When I was in aoka, it was that desire for companionship but friendly competition. But now, my situation has become a lot more stressful, so I find comfort in the niji/aka dynamic now. _(:3

tldr: I’m sorry if I disappointed you; I still love aoka but I’m a tunnel-vision artist; I’d be really honored if you keep on following and supporting me, but I understand if you don’t. ^0^!! Do what makes you happy! //claps

So…yeah, I got some asks like this here and there wanting to know the full-full story, so I guess I’ll just c/p what I told someone else. I mean it’s not really exciting just dramaaaaaaalallama.

“what did you mean when you said you were in a weird place with ao-kaga?”

It’s a complicated subject since it has been a few years, but I’ll do my best to simplify it! It mostly had to do with the community less than it had to do with the pair themselves!

To start, I always had trouble integrating with tumblr fandoms. I had always drawn in small communities so it was overwhelming when suddenly a lot of eyes turned on me. ^_T!! I wasn’t used to getting more than 20 notes on my art, and then I was left with things in its hundreds.

That is to say, my ego was fed and grew too big. I became stubborn about certain things (like topping preferences and character portrayals; tho now I’ve become more flexible w/ it*) and I had bad encounters with several people from the fandom. (Both parties were at fault haha;; Though objectively looking at it, it was more because of my big head;; orz)

I also felt that because of my past actions, and not to mention several family tragedies caused me to be on the edge more than usual, the rift b/w me and the community has grown farther.

The people who I used to fangirl about aoka with eventually left; some of them started being aggressive and unhealthily competitive with me (in terms of art);; There were huge misunderstandings, yada yada, yeah.;

so…^_T I guess those bad experiences made it hard for me to integrate into another aoka circle. And there was only so much I could have drawn on my own;. Since I sort of lose that close circle of friends and feedback, I drifted I guess. (coughs at tsubasa.)

I don’t regret aoka! I loved it so much; it was just unfortunate I wasn’t able to mesh well into the fandom because of my immaturity and some other unfortunate incidences. ;v;“” I think I will always be passionate about them, but aah, I think for now a break is in order. But, honestly, it’s really easy for me to fall in love with them again.

Here’s something of a secret, I was going through my aoka doujinshi collection with the intent on selling them off. After reading several I got sucked back in lol, and I couldn’t bear to sell away my beloved doujinshis. (I also still collect several artists’ works.) I always wander, but there’s always a 70% chance I’d be coming back ww.

and yea, reiterating with the ships and what I’m attracted to; I like this new ship bc I see myself in Akashi; so many expectations shoved on me, reprieve is really nice in those cases. orz;;;

Yeah;; just don’t mind me skjfh;; I really just do what I like orz… even I can’t predict myself…

But I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me.;; _(:3 

I’ve been trying to grow as a better person, but sometimes my life situation just really affects my fandom interactions. and it’s just been really stressful lately orz;; so I’m sorry if I’m not as open or talkative or very prickly as of late….;;;; 

EDIT:*: someone asked me to clarify what I meant by: “like topping preferences and character portrayals; tho now I’ve become more flexible w/ it“

I guess I should've made it clear that I mostly meant fanfics when I said that. I just didn't read what I didn't like. While I'm chill with people who liked aoka as a switchship or as a ka/ao, I just didn't read the fics. I started aoka with pixiv comics, so when I journeyed into fics for a while, I backed out of it quickly when I didn't agree with the characterization. It was mostly me not reading people's stuff. (Which, for some reason, someone called me out on it and said that I was a hypocrite?? for writing fics but not reading other people's stuff.) I guess you can call me a hypocrite or someone who was too proud I guess.... _(:3;; I just kind of saw how it wasn’t my cuppa;