#which sounds terrible and cliche and like an exaggeration but i swear it's true

[bees-against-humanity]

"my friend Avery didn't know what butter was and got bitten in the face by a monkey" AND? you can't just leave is hanging like that

As I said, stories for a different time. It is, apparently, now that time.

1) Avery didn’t know what butter was

Perhaps a mild misnomer, but still. Anyway, my last year of high school I took this fancy science class where we did science internships instead of actual classwork (I removed brains from fruit flies). We had one big final presentation at the end of the class, so no exam, but the way my school worked we had a slot scheduled for an exam anyway.

To use this period, my teachers decided to have a potluck, where we each had to bring something in and say something “science-y” about it. I think it was mostly just so that they could say the potluck was relevant to what we were doing, but whatever, I digress.

Now, it’s towards middle of our last year of high school; most of us were getting acceptance letters from universities and such. Avery was always super school-driven and what we would call “book smart”: she had great grades, got accepted to all the Ivy League universities, and ended up being our salutatorian (like a valedictorian, but one degree lower). She was bright on paper, and everyone knew that.

So we’re going around in a circle talking about our foods, and we get to someone who has brought in some sort of cake that had butter in it, and was talking about saturated fats and how that bonds or something like that, I’m not quite sure any more. I’m sitting next to one of the advisers for the class, and that adviser is sitting next to Avery. I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to say about the bread I’ve made, when Avery leans over to the adviser.

“Why does butter have saturated fat in it?”

“Well, Avery, it’s an animal derived-fat…” she might have continued, or possibly Avery interrupted.

“Butter’s an animal product?”

At this point, the adviser– our former biology teacher– starts to look mildly horrified. “Yes, Avery, butter’s an animal product.”

“Oh, right,” Avery said, clearly proud at having solved the problem for herself. “Butter comes from chickens.”

If I live to be a hundred years old, I swear to whatever gods that I will never, ever forget the horror in that woman’s voice as she replied.

“Avery…. butter doesn’t come from chickens.”

2) Avery got bitten in the face by a monkey

Some years go by. Avery goes to Yale, I go to my school in Montreal. The science life does not choose me, but Avery continues on with the science life. Her parents really want her to be a doctor, and, after several personal crises, she also decides she wants to be a doctor.

As you can probably tell from the above statement, her parents are very “YOU MUST BE SUCCESS”, and from the above story, you can probably tell that Avery was success. Again, at least on paper; in yet another incident, in our third year at the same high school, Avery got lost on her way to school and had to call her mom. Her parents also have a lot of money.

So she does her pre-med or whatever the fuck it is you major in at Yale to become a doctor, and in the summer between her third and final year of school, she does what all the kids with money, connections, and drive/parents making all the decisions for them do, and does an unpaid internship/“voluntourism” sort of thing. Essentially, they ship a bunch of undergraduates with no experience or training off to some developing country’s health clinic, they help out for like three weeks, and then they spend three weeks touring the country (voluntourism in almost all its forms is a terrible model, but that’s not what this is about).

I think Avery ended up going to Guatemala, or possibly Honduras. Some place with a large rural population, and also monkeys. She does her three weeks in the health clinic, and then they load up all these kids onto a bus to tour around the country. I’m not really sure where this went down, but I like to imagine it happening in some old ruins in the jungle.

So, quick thing about monkeys*: they’re usually pretty calm if you’re just passing through the area and visiting and don’t, like, pull on their tails or attack them or whatever. The one “human” thing, however, that you cannot do around them is make eye contact and smile. This is actually because eye contact + bared teeth = aggression to a monkey, and it makes them attack. You can maybe see where this is going. It is, however, also worth noting that the reason I know this is because it was told to me twice, once when I lived in Costa Rica for four months and once on a tour of a primate research facility in the aforementioned fancy science class. Avery was also present at both of these things, so theoretically, she knew this.

The way it happened was apparently this: one of Avery’s friends was taking a picture of a money, and, in the process, sort of reaching out as if to touch it. The real numbskull in this story is that girl, because who the fuck reaches out to touch a wild monkey, but anyway. Avery’s laughing and joking with this girl to try and get her away from this monkey; not too serious with her peer, but y'know, a “hey man why are you trying to touch that monkey.” So she goes up behind the girl and pushes her to the side a little bit, and in the process reveals the monkey behind the girl… while Avery was laughing.

Still smiling, she and the monkey made eye contact.

The monkey jumped at her and bit her face.

I know this because my mother is good friends with Avery’s mom, and afterwards Avery had to call her mom and get her medical records for vaccination records because, y'know, she had gotten bit in the face by a monkey. She apparently didn’t catch anything from it and was fine, but I saw her in a Panera a few months back, and you can definitely see little scars on the side of her face from little monkey hands and little monkey teeth.

So, uh, that’s Avery. We’re not really even friends and never really have been, but our moms are good friends and we went to the same schools for 15 years. Still, every time I speak to my mother, she feels the need to report on how Avery’s doing, which is why I know so much about her life despite the fact we haven’t spoken in probably six years.

*I say monkey, but in all cases I’m just referring to rhesus macaques

[littlemisslipbalm]

“Lucky Together”

Summary: Harry and Y/N always have wine night as best friends, but when Harry brings up the possibility of him going on a date, some confessions are made

so best friends to lovers! and its WINE WEDNESDAY!! I’m not entirely happy with this and I had an original plan for it and maybe someday I’ll actually do that, but for some reason my hands like to write angst sometimes. It’s mostly FLUFF but there is a little bit of tension, but it ends on a good note. Also it just felt kinda cliche but I still liked it - im conflicted. Let me know what y’all think feedback is appreciated :)

Word Count: 2.5k | Warnings: swearing, a little angst

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Harry heard the door opening before he even heard the knock on the door. Y/N swung inside his home as he began to get up. A grin was plastered on her face as she bounded inside, slamming the door shut behind her. 

“Harrry!” she exclaimed, dragging out his name in voice that wasn’t exactly her own - a more exaggerated, silly persona. “Are you ready to get fucked up on…” she slowed down as she looked at the label of the wine she was holding, “A $20 bottle of a lovely red wine that I can’t read the name of?!” 

She threw her bags and coat haphazardly on the floor and Harry grinned back at his best friend. Y/N was so impossibly electric sometimes. He loved feeding off her energy and she was always quick to feed off his as well.

It was Wine Wednesday, a tradition Harry and Y/N have had since the beginning of their friendship. 

They had met at a corporate party thrown by Capitol Records. They worked in completely different sectors, Y/N’s job would never cross with Harry in the studio normally, but they met that night and hit it off. A friend of Y/N did in fact work with Harry and had introduced them casually. After spending the night laughing their heads off together, Harry and Y/N had exchanged numbers, promising to follow up on things they had thrown out as things to do together. One of those ideas had been always wanting someone to have a Wine Wednesday with. She had told Harry that she did it a few times in college, but had wanted to start again now that she was a sophisticated adult. He had laughed and agreed, saying he had never had a designated day for wine, but he thought it sounded like a class idea. 

That next wednesday, Y/N had called Harry asking for his address and then told him she’d be over in twenty minutes. Y/N had burst through the door similar to how she had tonight, except the first time Harry had to open the door for her first. She had thrown her things to the ground, found her way to the kitchen and uncorked the random bottle of cheap wine she had found at the market down the street from Harry. After that, they began to switch off who was to supply the wine, but Y/N always insisted it be cheap and that they were always at Harry’s house.

They had lost track a long time ago about how many times they had done Wine Wednesday together. And it was always together and no one else.

He scoffed at his friend as she beelined to his kitchen, “Naturally!”

Y/N smiled, grabbing a fish mouth bottle opener. Y/N took it and played with it for a second, animating the bottle opened to look as if it was swimming. After amusing herself enough, Y/N set to work on opening up the random bottle of wine. Harry joined her in the kitchen, moving around her with ease to grab their two extra large wine glasses.

On their first Wine Wednesday, Harry had only brought out his regular sized wine glasses and Y/N had told him that she’d bring bigger ones next time. He had stopped her, reassuring her he had larger glasses, but hadn’t realized that was what she wanted. Her reply was that it was only the two of them drinking the bottle, “Who the fuck else is getting poured a glass?”

“What are you doing with that fish, gonna break it, love,” Harry teased as he placed the glasses to the right of Y/N.

She rolled her eyes playfully at him as she finally freed the cork from the bottle. “Was just giving Mr. Fish a proper swim before using him. It’s the same as knocking before you enter a room. ‘S polite.” She smiled smugly, before pouring two extremely full glasses of the red wine. After resting the bottle back onto the table, Y/N grabbed her glass and nodded to Harry to take his. Knowing what she meant, Harry immediately took up his glass and clinked it with hers. They both threw back their heads slightly, taking large initial gulps of their wine.

Y/N led the way into Harry’s living room, which was big and spacious. He furnished it with big comfy couches and various art pieces on the wall, some random items laid around, but mostly it was clean.

Y/N had brought over a few of the random items that laid around, when she had first come over, she had told him how bare it was in here. Next time she was there she brought over a scarf - to hang over a lamp - she’d embroidered and a small rainbow sculpture. Harry had thanked her for the gifts, but Y/N insisted he was doing her a favor by allowing a little more life in the room. “Don’t get me wrong this art is...so you. But why is there nothing else in here that screams Harry or like, I live here? Feels suffocating, so lonely” she had mused about the room. Harry didn’t have an answer for Y/N and she was okay with that.

“Okay, so what are we doing tonight? Movie, music, or gossip?” Y/N relaxed into the couch and stretched her body out, leaving her almost prone on the couch with her feet on Harry’s coffee table. Her stare fixated on his smiling face, awaiting his suggestion. He shut one eye while contemplating their options, then he took a sip of his wine and went to settle beside Y/N on the couch. “Think gossip and music, yeah?” Harry said thoughtfully as he threw his toned arm around the back of the couch.

Y/N shifted to allow herself to look at Harry. He was in a hoodie and sweats and he looked a little sleepy already. She knew that meant this Wine Wednesday was going to be a short one. As much as she loved hanging out with Harry and drinking wine, she knew that he needed his rest. If he was already looking tired, it was likely the half drunk wine bottle would end up in the trash can and she’d be catching a cab before midnight. It wasn’t annoying, Y/N always wanted Harry to take care of himself first, rather than putting others' needs ahead of his own.

Nodding, Y/N took a sip of her wine. “Alright, for music...What are we thinking? Beatles? Or...uh, Beatles?” she said as if ruminating on the bands coming out of her mouth. Harry’s hand that was on the top of the couch came down to swat at Y/N’s head. “Hmm, good choices...But I was feeling more Hall & Oates tonight. You mind?” She shrugged after hitting his hand right back. “Don’t care, but Lennon and Harrison just might be rolling in their graves right now,” Y/N said as her eyebrows rose and she looked disapprovingly at Harry. “You literally love Hall & Oates, Y/N, hush,” he popped back up after scolding Y/N and flicked on his speakers and pressed play on his Hall & Oates playlist of their discography.

“Would I have persuaded you more if I had asked for Fleetwood?” Y/N asked when Harry returned to his seat. She shifted to sitting completely, cross legged, fully facing Harry on the couch. Harry barked out a laugh before visibly considering her question. “Maybe,” he said with a scrunch of his face like ‘if only you had asked, oh well’. They both laughed.

“Okay, now you’re usually not one for gossip,” Y/N started after they had drank some more of their wine and talked a little more about the music, “So what’s your gossip. Spill.”

“So you know the bird at the coffee shop down the street, who started working there last week?” Harry started excitedly. Y/N finished her sip and nodded seriously, curious to hear what Harry had to gossip about that concerned this woman. “Well, today she told me my coffee was on the house, and then when my black coffee was ready it had her name on it and her number!”

“That’s forward,” Y/N mused, her tone wasn’t necessarily judgemental, but it definitely wasn’t ecstatic as Harry had expected when he had decided to tell Y/N the story.

“What? Would you not have liked that if someone had done that for you?” Harry asked, genuinely wondering what made Y/N not be her usual excited self. She was also a hopeless romantic, so he had thought she would have loved this.

“I mean, I guess I would have been flattered, but you’re not seriously considering taking her out? C’mon, Harry, she obviously knows who you are,” Y/N paused, trying not to sound like a total asshole, “Just, if I were you, I would always be wary of people’s true intentions before I started anything.”

Harry sighed and took a long gulp of his wine, decreasing the amount in the glass significantly. Soon, he’d need a refill. “I know that...but she seems so sweet and I haven’t been out with anyone in awhile. Romantically.” He added the last word after a beat, like it needed clarification that when he went out with Y/N it wasn’t something romantic. She twitched and shifted in her seat, trying to push away the negative feelings she got when Harry made that distinction.

“Okay, if you’re that desperate for someone then go for it,” you said not fully realizing the exact words coming out of your mouth. Your mouth dropped when you processed what you had just said. Harry looked at you with slight disbelief. “I didn’t mean it in that way, Harry. I just-”

“No, I got what you meant. You think this woman is just using me for attention and that I’m so starved of any romantic connection that I’m willing to be used. Have you ever thought about why I’m so starved of any romantic life? Maybe because I’m always hanging out with my alleged best friend who never approves of anyone I bring up.” Harry sounded hurt. Y/N felt terrible. He set down his glass and shifted to face her more fully, his face set in a good amount of anger.

“That’s not fair, H,” Y/N sighed and placed her glass on the coffee table. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt. You give your heart away so easily and then people just end up taking advantage of you and hurting you. And I hate seeing you hurt. Because I’m the one who is always there to pick up the pieces.”

“Why are you always there though, Y/N? Why do you stick by my side when I’m always apparently making the wrong love choices?” Harry asks, his tone rising to something that was almost aggressive.

“Because you’re my best friend, Harry!” Y/N laughed incredulously. She was in disbelief that Harry would even ask her such a question. It was strange that their evening of fun had escalated into this nightmarish confrontation.

“That’s not enough,” Harry insisted, forcing them to continue the conversation. The conversation the two of them had never thought they needed to have. “You’re right, you’re always there to mend my broken heart. And you always discourage me from going for risky romances. And you never talk about any potential people for you? Why?”

“You’re my best friend! I don’t know what else you want me to say? What do you want me to say, Harry?”

“You know what I’m asking, Y/N.” And just like that, Harry turned from aggressive to pleading. He wanted her to say what he had always thought about her, but had never pushed it because she was his best friend. His jade-toned eyes were glassy and wide, begging for her to answer truthfully.

Y/N gripped her jaw in place at Harry’s pleading words. She raked both her hands through her hair and couldn’t believe what Harry was saying right now. Finally, she sighed when she risked a glance towards Harry’s face. It turned everything around for her, she couldn’t hide from that face. She couldn’t hide from Harry, ever.

“Because, I love you. I love you, Harry, in more than a best friend way. Happy now? That was literally the most unromantic way to tell someone you love them, but you asked for it,” she shook her head and threw herself against the couch, flailing her arms slightly in exasperation.

Harry moved himself to Y/N’s side and moved her so that she was looking at him. He rested his hand against her cheekbone, and stayed and cradled her face right there.

“I love you, too. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you. It just...something made me press the subject. It wasn’t very kind of me.” He rushed to say, instantly feeling conflicted. He was overjoyed and relieved at Y/N’s revelation, but also felt guilt for the way it had come about. He had been the one to escalate the conversation.

“I didn’t mean to call you desperate,” Y/N said softly as she raised her own hand to Harry’s face. “You aren’t desperate. You’re amazing and wonderful. You love with your whole heart and anyone would be lucky to be with you.”

“Darling, you’re the one someone would be lucky to be with.” Harry brushed a stray hair behind her ear and moved his face closer to hers.

“We could be lucky together?” Y/N whispered as his nose brushed up against hers. Harry blew a short breath out of his nose, hitting Y/N’s face. “I’d like that,” he responded.

Then he leaned the rest of the way and connected his lips with hers. She pressed back eagerly tasting the red wine on Harry’s lips. As they kissed, Harry felt something wet slightly touch his face.

He pulled back slightly, “Are you crying, petal?”

Y/N sniffled, “I just, I never thought this would happen. I’m happy...it’s just a lot.”

Harry nodded and wrapped his arms around her waist. “C’mere, we can just be here in this moment, together.”

Harry pulled Y/N into his lap and settled back into the couch. Her head rested softly on his shoulder and she ran a hand up and down his muscled arm. It was smooth and soft, and it radiated heat. Harry’s presence was always soothing, but especially helpful right now. Y/N calmed down, significantly, while in his arms.

“So does that mean you won’t call that bird?”

“No, no, I will definitely...not call her.” Harry chuckled at her question. He was happy that she was feeling more like herself, sarcastic and bubbly.

The pair sat snuggled on Harry’s couch, taking in each other’s presence as “Sara Smile” by Hall & Oates played softly through the speakers. They both smiled and sang softly along to the words. Happy in one another’s embrace.

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