#which means you aren't allowed to have a job during that semester. this information was not presented until after the application process
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#I do not want to hustle and some of my most beloved people do not understand this#I was talking to my honorary big sister on the phone today about why I'm taking a gap year#the main reason is that the final semester of the program I was accepted into is around 50 hours per week of unpaid field work#which means you aren't allowed to have a job during that semester. this information was not presented until after the application process#anyway she was like “well that's fairly normal for healthcare professions” which is true#however this is a community college program and I would have expected them to account for people needing to work throughout college#anyway I responded “yeah true but I'm considering that maybe healthcare isn't for me then. I don't want a job that requires that much work.#And I don't! I don't want 50 or 60 hour work weeks! I want to work 40 hours and then leave and live my life!#but she made it seem like any job that requires a college degree is going to require that. And I don't think that's true#but also she is older than I am and has much more job experience so idk.#maybe she's advising based on the fact that as a teenager I was super type A and ambitious and really wanted a career?#whereas in the past couple years...idk I just want a reliable job that I don't hate that pays the bills and leaves time for enjoying life#so. I'm not sure#And now I kind of feel bad for not having that ambition anymore/ not wanting to have to give myself ulcers to get through school#But college is not worth my sanity and I found that out the hard way.#And I also feel bad for not being one of those people who CAN handle that much workload! Like I can certainly learn#to do more than I'm doing currently#but I will never be one of those constantly busy and insanely productive people. And I don't even want to be anymore#and yet that feels like an error.#I am not lazy! I used to think I was but no. I enjoy getting work done and doing personal projects and going to work and improving things.#It's not even as though I don't have things I want to do with my life. I have a lot of short term and long term goals!#I want to contribute to my community and support my family however I can and make art and tell stories and be a safe place for people!#and so much else!#but those ambitions aren't necessarily directly connected to school or a job for me anymore#and I value rest and having a social life too much to completely put my health on hold for years and years#sure college does take up a lot of time and energy but it shouldn't wholly consume your life as far as I can see.#and now I feel very unsure if that approach is realistic.#thinking I should talk with her again and try to explain myself a little better and ask what she meant.#diary
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