#which led to hurting other ppl emotionally

[t-lostinworlds]

i don't think i will ever understand the confidence of some people to leave comments on fanfictions which are disguised as constructive criticism or thought analysis but it's just so blatantly aggressive and mean and so black and white without even trying to understand or see where the characters are coming from and that maybe, just maybe, they're reflections of humans so they're a bit complicated. it gives off "i'm in a moral high ground" and it's just jarring.

i think people need to learn that there's ways to leave comments, opinions and thoughts and constructive criticism on anything and be nice about it.

[stonegoldsxcrxt]

ppl argue that Vader is “redeemed”— I guess I can see where they’re coming from, but really I think Vader is forgiven by Luke, and the narrative is kind enough to forgive him too. This is helped, of course, by the prequel storylines and our extensive understanding of Anakin’s character, which is that rarely was Anakin presented with very many choices, and he often chose wrong when he was, sometimes out of anger but mostly out of a very intense love and desire to protect those around him that he cared about. They don’t say that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” for nothing, after all. Luke seems to understand his father at one point thought he was doing what was right, and has the kindness to forgive him, but not absolve him of all crime. The original trilogy, being largely about Luke and generally following Luke’s feelings, offers Vader a lenient sentence for a lifetime of crime. For example, you might expect that if Han was the ‘main character’ you’d be presented with an entirely different point of view. Even Leia at the end of rotj— knowing full well her father is Anakin/Vader and her brother is hosting his funeral pyre— doesn’t seem to care, laughing and enjoying the Ewok party, and she doesn’t have to care. We aren’t mad at Leia for presumably not feeling the same way about her father that Luke does. Thus my argument is that Vader is forgiven by Luke after a selfless act which saves the latter’s life, not washed of all sin and guilt from the narrative. Anakin and Vader are the same person, condemned to death to deal with the sum of his choices, but forgiven by a son who loves him, who he died for.

This is where the sequels fail to convince me I should offer the same treatment to Kylo Ren. In a film trilogy that largely ends up being about him (much to my and many others chagrin), I rarely find myself understanding why he repeated chooses evil. Perhaps in tfa the lines from Leia about snoke whispering to him as a child were meant to imply he’s been being corrupted since birth, but in theory when snoke is killed in tlj, shouldn’t Kylo’s behavior also become altered? As in, he should be able to think more clearly about his decisions? There’s wobbly logic throughout— in tfa Leia says it’s snoke, in tfa Kylo claims his choices are largely motivated by the fact he worships his grandfather, then in tlj the narrative tries to push us to sympathize with him by telling us Luke tried to kill him (at 23, btw— common misconception that the incident happened in his childhood, which it did not).

Arguably, if I were to be led to believe snoke corrupted “Ben”, then the events of tlj— wherein Kylo kills snoke yet remains Kylo instead of reverting to Ben— suggest Kylo actively is choosing evil of his own volition. If I were to believe Kylo is acting out because he idolizes his grandfather, Vader, then Kylo is actively seeking to chose evil of his own volition. If I were to believe Luke attempting to kill “Ben” caused Kylo’s fall, I would still believe Kylo is choosing evil simply to choose evil, seeing as how an attempt on your life is scarring, but not grounds to murder others. Where Anakin’s misguided actions were motivated by fear of those he loves being hurt, Kylo… kind of just seems like he wants to be bad. All of this would be fine, compelling even, as a villain, but outside of tfa, the narrative absolutely refuses to let Kylo be what he wants to be— a villain!

For some reason, starting in tlj, the audience is repeatedly expected to excuse Kylo’s behavior. Sympathizing with an antagonist isn’t always bad, per say, but it generally comes with some sort of buy-in as to why we should care. Absent that, it kind of just seems like the narrative is bending over backwards to forgive a guy who doesn’t really seem to want forgiveness. Mutilating Rey’s character in particular to have her insist there’s good in him when he never hesitates to stalk, physically or emotionally torture, or gaslight her any chance he gets becomes baffling. Unlike Luke with Vader, she really has no reason to care this much about Kylo, or even believed Kylo IS CAPABLE of earning her forgiveness— so the narrative starts spewing more ridiculous premise to try and force a reason for her to forgive him, when he’s done nothing to indicate he WANTS to be forgiven. Though subtle, even Vader visibly has hesitation when confronting Luke— he deals him serious blows, but no where near what we know is the extent of his power. Kylo doesn’t hold back from hurting Rey any chance he gets.

Also bizarrely in comparison to Vader, Kylo is weirdly absolved of his responsibility regarding the devastation the first order has caused and allowed to revert back to “Ben” before actually facing any consequences in terms of story. It comes down to this: he is stabbed, hallucinates his father (who canonically CANNOT be a force ghost— Han in tros is NOT a force ghost, supported by both his lack of glowing blue appearance and the fact that Han doesn’t have the force), hallucinates his father forgiving him and thus forgiving himself via Han’s imagined proxy, then is suddenly Ben again. He has made no choice up to this point which allows us as an audience to understand why he deserves forgiveness from others— just an abrupt 180 in character. It comes off clunky and gauche because it is; Kylo, after a lifetime of choosing evil willingly, using his autonomy to hurt others and gain power for himself, suddenly thinks better of it for no reason. We as the audience are suddenly also expected to do a very quick 180– see! He’s good now! It is no where near as natural as seeing Luke’s journey with Vader because there is no realistic way to interpret the scene; we are forced as the audience to accept this random new “Ben” character as if he’s a different person— an affliction I might also add that doesn’t befall Anakin until he dies, meaning we see a broken Anakin still scarred and wheezing in the Vader suit— again, lasting, permanent effects of his behavior. Where as Kylo is just suddenly “Ben”— new wardrobe, no facial scarring. As if woken from some sort of trance that narratively speaking, if you wanted me to be more compelled, he should have woken from a whole film ago. It’s as if nothing he did as Kylo mattered at all, which is nigh impossible to accept when it involves literal genocide. It’s implied at the end of tlj that he Made. His. Choice. by not only remaining with the first order after snoke is slain but becoming the supreme leader!

In fact it’s the entire opposite of Vader— Vader rises up against his master and chooses to save his son. Kylo rises up against his master and chooses to clench power for himself.

I could only dream of a world where tros was brave enough to allow Kylo what he wants— to be truly corrupted and evil. I could only dream of a world where the sequels explored the impact and importance of that choice, and how to confront an evil that is no longer forgivable

[adviceformefromme]

Hi hon, I've always loved your blog and advice—and I'd love to have your guidance and thoughts on my issue.

I carry a lot of guilt and shame over making a terrible mistake 5 years ago, which led to the fall of my longest childhood friendship (16yrs at that point). I thought I was able to accept it, but I still have dreams about my friend that reopens the grief I have for our friendship. Today's dream was probably the worst; it featured them being willing to mend our relationship, us interacting like normal, planning to get matching piercings together, and it felt so real, I was so happy.

I came across their social media acc while taking off followers from a personal art account I hope to invest in this year. I was rly tempted to check on their ig reels and YouTube, but knew I shouldn't and decided not to in the end. If me no longer being in their life makes them able to live their happiest and most fulfilling life, I want that for them, I want to be happy for them. Even if it does hurt/make me sad. It wasn't a perfect friendship, but they were my best friend. I want to heal from this as much as possible, since healing completely is prob unrealistic.

I have a group of close friends, ppl who are much more communicative w me, but we all live far from each other so we only interact digitally. I've moved so many times in my life, that digitally is also the best way for me to keep in touch w any irl old friends—it's hard to keep irl friendships strong when you don't see them in person as much as you could in the past.

Tbh I'm kind of a loser. I'm jobless w/ no degree & don't have a driver's license. I know my lack of motivation to get my life together contributes to the lack of opportunities in seeing my friends in person. I am so comfortable in my home environment, even if emotionally/mentally abusive and fear change even if I know it's good for me. I have dreams and yet I'm scared to make steps towards them. That's a whole other thing tho.

I don't know what I need to move past this mourning. I want to stop carrying this sadness with me. I feel it bear such a heavy weight in my chest. I'm at fault and to blame and i feel terrible for being a bad person/friend to that person, even if I know I'm a better/good friend to the ppl currently in my life. Please help me.

Hey sweetie, I sense so much sadness in your message from how you describe your life, to your loss with your friend. I would recommend journalling or releasing your emotions through some form of expression. It needs to be expressed. Write, cry, paint do what ever you need to do to release these emotions because it seems they are completely weighing you down and hacking away at your self esteem. Writing your friend a letter did come to mind if you really want to let them know how you feel and if it would shift some of the pain you've been feeling. I can't recommend forgiveness healing enough! I've wrote about the process here. The journey to loving yourself and being kind to yourself is a process, especially if you are going from a place of feeling low confidence and self belief. But please don't give up on your hopes and dreams. They are within you for a reason. You are not a bad person, you are human and we all do things we wish we didn't, all we can do is show up better. Do our best each day. Listen to those positive affirmations instead of the music that brings you down. Choose the foods that give you energy, instead of foods that give you the food comma so you actually feel motivated to do your best. Read a book that inspires you, watch a documentary about struggle to success. Go help someone. Do a random act of kindness. Plan your tomorrow. Choose to wear something that makes you feel special. Brush your teeth before bed. Light an incense stick. There are so many little things you can do each day to add some light and love into your existence. Lean into the goodness and I promise the heavy weights of the world will start to shift. You'll start to feel a little lighter day by day. But it will be worth it. The light is within you, keep tending to your fire.

xoxox

[thedreadvampy]

actually you know what as well. I think this reading where ppl are like 'actually everyone who disagrees with Jon or doesn't trust him is Wrong and Mean and Unfair' is REALLY closely connected to my other TMA fandom bugbear vis a vis the Uwuification Of Martin

in both directions

1. it's symptomatic of the same failure to engage with a non-protag-centred morality and a fallible and flawed narrator. if you take the way Jon first understands another character as the factual foundation for their personality, Martin is shy and gentle and awkward and Melanie and Georgie are Mad At Him For No Reason. the thing that is fun and good about the story is that. that's incorrect. and as you get to see how they actually act and talk and what they do you realise that the way Jon understands them is incomplete at best. and so does he.

but a lot of people got stuck on his idea of Martin as soft and useless, which tbh is one of the earliest examples we're given that Jon isn't a reliable judge of character. because every time we actually see or hear Martin doing anything other than bringing tea in s1 and s2 it's pretty clear he is in fact hardcore ready to throw down any second.

if you can't grok that Martin isn't a scared softboi puppy, how will you get that Jon is also wrong about everyone else? the story isn't meant to be 'everyone comes to understand how right Jon is' it's 'Jon comes to understand how wrong he is'

BUT ALSO

2. If you HAVE already decided that Martin is the moral core of the show bc he's a Sweet Uwu Softboi Who Does No Wrong, then you end up taking his stance as the Morally Correct one. and that's problematic bc Martin will go to the wall to defend Jon's actions for most of the show, even when Jon knows they're wrong.

I don't think this is always a case of people taking Jon's side nearly as much as it's people taking Martin's side. Jon doesn't think Georgie's wrong for leaving - he's hurt and struggles to understand at times but I don't think he's ever like Wow Unreasonable. MARTIN however thinks what she did is unconscionable and that's what people point to as evidence that She's A Bitch. throughout the season Martin defends Jon to the hilt, even when Jon is very clear that he agrees he was in the wrong, and this makes perfect sense if you understand Martin as emotionally-led and impulsive person who deals with negative feelings by digging his heels in, but it makes a very DIFFERENT sort of sense if you think Martin is the moral arbiter of the show who is correcting Jon's overcritical attitude to himself.

as far as I read it, Martin's main character flaw is that he's stubborn. rather than admit to being wrong he will needle and fling himself at a problem and dig his heels in. and that coupled with Jon's tendency to make statements that are very confident and almost entirely wrong and then have to spend like 20 episodes walking them back and rethinking his outlook gives people who want a very black and white story with a clear Morally Correct side some space to go oh ok Jon's first impulse is right and that's why Martin's digging his heels in to defend him.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep11 (part 1)

Breaking toxic bonds & accepting healthy ones isn’t a miracle. A bond that started with love could end up chained & toxic, another that started wrong could’ve become the joy of a life time. You can do it. Break the cycle of abuse & stand up for yourself, it is easy yet so difficult, you aren’t alone, tho, loved ones stand nearby cheering. Be kind on yourself, otherwise you’ll throw your life away. Life isn’t just happiness & joy, it’s also sadness & loneliness. Break free from the shackles that held you down. Embrace life & Live.

-Tohru’s “ I’m okay” mask is finally shattered! (the Importance of kyo’s rejection for her development):

This is the last part of tohru’s character development! The last few eps were abt her role in Akito’s redemption & their similarities. she staood up for herself & choose a path away from her mom while keeping her mom’s memory in a healthy manner. No more planning my life according to mom’s wishes, no more talking to mom ‘s picture 24/7. Now, I’ll plan my life & move forward even if it is with the guy mom said she cant forgive. even If it is without him, I’ll move forward. I love him so much, yet I won’t force our bond & let go. So easy yet so difficult!. tohru doesnt know anything abt kyo after her fall. All she remembers is his heart-broken face as he wept beside her. Those tears on his face, she caused them. He cried cuz it is too painful to see her hurt. She was a burden to him! tohru restored to her old coping mechanism of pretending “ i’m Okay” & smiling. She did so numerous times before. Always worked. No one noticed. Except him. Se02, ep7. he urged her to show her true fears. Now, she’s faced with a pain so big she can’t pretend no more. the pain of loosing him. She cried in front of yuki! The smile & chatting abt chores couldn’t conceal the running tears! Yuki’s first time seeing her like that. Se01, ep14, yuki wondered how could tohru smile after her mom’s death. She can’t pretend no more! She’ll have to wear her feelings on her sleeve! cuz it IS ok to do so! She tells kyo to give her a moment to compose herself. She couldn’t lie & pretend like she did with yuki. Here she either run away or just try to compose myself! I LOVE THAT! This way, whenever kyo/tohru fight or have any misunderstanding in the future as a couple, you’ll know tohru won’t just bear it & pretend, “ i;m okay” No! she’ll talk to kyo & express herself! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It gives her so much strength as a human & I’m happy all the obstacles & set backs in kyo/tohru’s romantic journey has led them to be better ppl little by little to build healthier & more realistic love! 

-The mechanics of writing a compelling slow-burn romance:

1. Igniting the romantic feelings slowly: Slow burns don’t work with love at 1st sight. It must first sparkle naturally, slowly & subtly. Both kyo & tohru repeatedly stated they don’t know exactly when they first fell in love. The author’s decision to create an environment where the two live together is a genius way to start & nurture their romance quietly & subtly. Kyo was tricked to stay in shigure’s house while tohru had to stay cuz she had no home, Natural reasons that force the two to spend days together & get to know each other gradually.

2. Dynamics of their personalities: For slow burns to work, the two characters need to be similar yet opposites! Kyo & tohru are both kind, endearing, innocent, good at chores, independent & hardworking. They both have history with their mothers that is filled with love yet traumas. However, tohru is calm yet prefer maneuvering around subjects, can’t stand up for herself, reads ppl easily, tends to trust ppl easily & disregard herself. Kyo is fierce, strong, tends to distrust ppl, despite ppl loving his spontaneous character, he has hard time figuring out if they’re mocking him or teasing him, very straightforward with his words & actions. The similarities helps them understand each other, however, the differences creates chances to clash & come even closer thro various situation. Ex, se01, ep2, kyo apologizing for hitting her head with the table which created the situation where she needed to confess she always loved the cat zodiac! It is HER gush of emotions that struck kyo. ppl really want my friendship? the cat is loved? Thro those difference they learned to better themselves so they won’t hurt the other, kyo toning down his anger for her, tohru desiring to know him even more as he becomes even more awkward.

3. Creating natural, realistic  & convincing obstacles that prevents them from being together:  This is the most important part! Slow-burn is two characters in love & cant be together despite everyone wanting them to be! if the reason that stops them from uniting is trivial, stupid, one-sided, can easily be solved, then the slow-burn would be a fillery & no one would cheer for it! Takaya-san is a genius!

Kyo can’t be with tohru cuz he thinks (a) he killed her mom! we saw thr flashback, he could’ve saved her & couldn’t save her. It was a split of a second difference & he hates himsef for NOT trying! that split of a second also prevented from thinking of better ways to save her than holding her! it happened to fast, he couldn't think of a better alternative cuz this was his 2nd time loosing someone (b) his mom’s sucide being pinned as his fault created this immense guilt & defeated feeling that “ no matter what, I just cause death & misery! There’s (c) too!, he knew tohru! thinks she deserves the world & cuz he didnt save her mom, he watched tohru talk to a freaking picture for two years! heck! he is the only one who can see thro tohru’s “ i;m okay” mask, so in se01, ep 14 in the grave yard! kyo wasnt the only one who is sad! tohru was too! & kyo could tell! (d) her mom’s death is the reason tohru is accepting shigure’s offer to stay with them rent-free in exchange of doing housework! (e)? he saw her confess crying her heart out abt missing her mom so much that she imitated her dad! so tragicly sad! (f) he saw her die in his nightmare!! how can he accept her love,now? Perfectly orchestrated obstacles! 

Tohru, unfortunately, in the anime it wasn't that clear due to shortening her backstories & trauma in se03, ep6. But she too couldn’t see herself confessing love to kyo. Tohru is has low self-esteem, always thinks she’s a burden to others, an orphan who just wants her mom, so scared, lonely & sad! we the audience believed the mask! we saw her work her motherly charm yuki, isusuz, kisa & believe her issues are not that deep.  tohru wont cry for herself but shed rivers for others! grief is so ugly it broke her! I cant let go of mom, must keep her always in my heart, such a hard emotions to write & I believe 100% the director couldn’t understand her grief & decided to split ep6 between her, kyo, isuzu & shigure. But Tohru struggling to confess to kyo is no laughing matter. ppl who are grieving find it the hardest to live after the loved ones die. they wont mostly commit suicide, they are alive, but they arent living. they just go thro the motions & live for the sake of those around them but not themselves. Tohru deciding to confess to kyo is her deciding to live for herself.

4. Writing a perfect psychologically & emotionally packed climax: I dont need to explain how perfect kyo’s rejection of tohru in se03 ep9 was. How much we felt for him yet were mad at him. He we were “ ugh! kyo no!!!! I mean I get why you do that , but you idiot no! come back! poor kyo! He was just so sad & broken! OMG he’ll kill himself after finding tohru’s injured body!! he totally would! his nightmare came true! But Tohru reached him! she wanted him to be okay! he wont kill himself but still feels hella guilty! but so utterly in love with her that his instinct upon seeing her come to life after near death is kiss her! Perfect display of psychology & emotions! filled with right, wrong, sad, happy, guilty, innocent! basically so human~ As the audience you MUST have this mixture of feelings of wanting to hug him so bad cuz this boy has been killing himself for years now yet want him to stop & just see that he was a good boy afterall. Tohru is THE best girl & if the audience are cheering for kyo to be with her, kyo really deserves her! The only problem is for kyo to see that now.

5. The Perfect wrap up of all romance: If you make your audience suffer the slow-burn this long, you gotta reward them good! & Takaya-san delivered! Just like how the entire romantic story is realistic, the reunion must be as realistic too! Tohru is hurt by kyo;s words. Facts remain his words were hurtful to her. I love that was addressed! tohru gets to tell her side, too! If you love someone, you are bound to be hurt by them as much as be happy with them. Simply cuz they matter so much to you! you arent one person, but two ppl coming together. Kyo must work hard for this confession. Must run & chase her. Must earn her proper! He gets on his knees, I cant express how important that is! he is way taller than her, Imagine apologizing while she looks way up & he looks down? He gets on his knees & apologize like a man, for every mistake, all while not loathing himself. He aint going back to that deep abyss again. He did wrong by her & he is owning up to his mistakes. Give me one chance. I’m not gonna force you with persistence or guilt you into taking me. Give me ONE chance cuz i deserve it & no more. The choice is yours. She asks to confirm, he shows her, they kiss, they hug, they are rewarded with a blessing from the heavens! One of the most simple yet emotionally fulfilling confessions in anime!

- Hugs over kisses: (And her kiss hugs her & the curse was lifted):

Prince charming kisses the princess & she wakes up~ they live ever after~ except furuba is all abt “ eternal ever after is not true, real life is where the real love is”

Kyo kissed tohru once, she didnt wake up, she didnt even think he loved her back. didnt even remember the kiss.

Kyo hugged tohru once. se01, e024, He initiated it, tohru was all in tears, surprised, happy & so utterly in love. he called her name for the first time ever, for a brief moment, they both connected, they both comforted each other. The rain stopped, he became a man not a monster, she got him back. She got her kyo that she fought for with none other than kyo himself.

kyo hugged her again, se03, ep6. They both initiated it. He made the first move, pulling her just a little closer, she made the second move & hugged him hard, he transformed, it was a moment were they both connected, both so sad & broken, both feeling needy for the other, both desperate for the other, both just living the moment. the result is them coming closer, her wanting him more, him realizing her love, there is no escape. Admit it. she loves you. You can tell.

Kyo hugs her again today. He asks permission. No spur of the moment feeling. But a long lasting permission to be together. To hug. He wants to hear her acceptance of his cursed body. “ is ok to hug you? this body will cause you pain as it wont be able to fulfill your wishes of constant hugs & intimacy”. She responds, permission granted, for love, for hugs, for a life long acceptance of you as a whole. weakness & strength, sadness & happiness. I accept you all in better & worse! we’re invincible. Why? cuz we understand love isnt magic. It is a path for us to walk together~~~ reward curse break!

Every time kyoru are closer it is a hug. The one thing the zodiacs cant do. A hug. They can kiss. But cant hug. comes this Zodiac Ruler girl so lonely, away from ppl, so sad, meets a cat boy who comes to the house she’s living in, a house away from ppl, the boy is drawn to the girl, However, when the boy needed to leave, the girl was able to let go despite loving him, the boy comes again, this time wanting to stay, the girl accepts the boy. They both accept the realistic reality of life. Embrace the obstacles & the achievements, celebrates the weakness above the strength. Both so imperfect. Both so endearingly dumb! that’s why the girl’s hug broke the boy’s curse. The girl’s acceptance of the cat broke all curses.

Side Note:

Kyo’s confession is so kyo! so straightforward, so direct, & so physical. He’s on his knees, holding her hands, looking at her eyes. “ i want to be WITH you. If I’m gona live, I want to to do it with you & no one else! cuz I love you” that’s it. That’s all.  So sincere & so romantic!

it is crazy how different tohru & kyo are now after the confession! she stood confidently & happily & said “dont you know, I love you!” all while teasing him, her giggle is so girlish & cute! my girl is a happy woman in love! long buried the angelic mother image of se02! YES! also, kyo’s happy face is love! Dude! when was the last time he smiled so freely? Did he ever do that? He smiled in se01, ep4 with kazmua, but not like this! T_T. my son is healing~

Kyo’s “ i wont ever feel afraid if you’re with me” is a huge growth from his “ I want to protect her” mindset. Now he realizes it is two-sided mutual desire. She gives him strength as much as he does! <3

I dont like open eye while kissing, but here it is so perfect for tohru in this moment! cuz she spent days thinking kyo rejected her & even ran away as soon as she saw him, now he’s not only confessing, apologizing, admitting she is his life, but also kissing her signaling they’re romantic couple. kissing on lips is so personal, what more evidence she needs? still, her thoughts? “ it’s like a dream?” aww~~~ tohru~~~ my precious girl! she just cant believe all her suffering is over, now? She was just practicing “ i’m okay” smile & now she’s an official girlfriend to the man of her dreams? He just bent da kneeee~ go for it queen!

yuki’s face when tohru cried is exactly what I meant of “ allowing yuki to have strong facial expressions”! XD these types of faces humanize yuki so much into the teenage boy he is! Unfortunately the anime team only sees him as the pretty prince in most times. That’s why fave yuki is when he’s with kakeru. He becomes so un-princly as he should be.

Speaking of yuki, I see you anime team~ postponing his moment into next ep so him & machi wont be overshadowed by the long awaited kyoru!! While this defies the perfection of all cursed zodiacs breaking on the same ep making akito’s breakdown less perfect & poetic, I take it as the anime team admitting they underdeveloped yuchi & decided let’s give them more screen time & not putting them in close distance from any couple. A week later ep is enough with lots of time. I dont mind at all, I’m just saying more time after/while confession is not what i was hoping for~~ sigh~ At least I hope yuki would say sth along the lines” all this time I was looking at you, i realized i love you” to imply he was thinking of her as a lover not his kindness for someone he helped. I just dont want their love to be sudden simply cuz yuki needs happy ending. oh well~ I’m sure whatever it will be, the anime will give it utmost attention.

That sad moment when kagura wasnt allowed a moving image. lol. girl was given a still image that didnt even move with the breeze! T_T

Not gonna lie... the scene with kazuma & kyo was underwhelming. Why the wide shot? I mean you dont need budget for that. Just give me a closeup from the waist up with kyo head buried in kazuma’s chest. Dont need to waste budget on kazuma’s face, either.... do the old trick of hair covering eyes & show me glittery tears~  why the awkward shot of kazma towering in his own house! how tall is this man & why cant he he fix his roof?...lol

Also, shigure, you got scars man... who can hurt shigure? akito? gotta be her. I dont think hatori scratches...lol.. Aya? nah~ too busy with Mine! yup, akito... another steamy night? could be, she’s changed as he wish now. But scratching a face is weird while..um..kissing? a quarrel? but why? I bet she wants him now & we know he wants her....

More on part 2! especially abt the curse’s lore~

[fairycosmos]

hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

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[tallysgreatestfan]

Transcript Ableism In Fandom (Example She-Ra) Part II

(Link to the video in reblog)

I planned to upload this like, two days or so after the first part, and now it’s two months. And in this entire time the issue of ableism and harassment in the She-Ra fandom has sadly not died down at all.

The second part will consist of interviews with other disabled or neurodivergent fans of She-Ra, and I actually said they could either sent me a voice file or a word document in which they had written their opinion, and all of them sent the word document so I will read their experience and opinion out.

This is actually inspired by the Fansplaining podcast – very good podcast – and their episode about race in fandom and racism in fandom.

Most Entrapdak fans are either disabled or neurodiverse or queer, or both. So of course antis love to claim that this is not true, because it would mean that they are hurting minorities, but there are at least two twitter polls to prove it.

I hate that I have to say this, but antis love to twist words: Disliking Entrapdak is not the problem. How they dislike it is the problem. It just not being your thing because they are not your favorite characters or you are not a monsterfucker is not your problem, uhm, I mean is no problem. But claiming you are morally right for disliking it, harassing people and using ableist arguments is the problem.

Let’s begin!

[Soranis Sunshadow is both on twitter and tumblr and I’m going to read out her answers]

 How do you usually interact with fandom, what is your role in fandom? Which fandom(s) are you in?

This is the only fandom I am a part of. It’s the first time I’ve ever been invested enough to ever actively participate in one.

I usually write essays analyzing characters, character arcs, motivations.

I’ve also been the creator of many memes and shitposts along with some fanart and my own very fanfic.

As far as interacting with the fandom itself, I’m usually the mother bear type that will defend fellow fans whenever drama is brewing. I am an older fan (Entrapta’s age) so it’s easier for me to be more emotionally detached from “personal attacks” that have been thrown at me for it.

 What is your disability and/or neurodivergency? Are you part of other marginalized groups?

I’m on the autism spectrum, a highly functioning autistic woman that has been diagnosed in her late 20s. I also have lumbar sciatica due to my profession [Addition: chronic lower back and leg pain due to standing all day]

 Do you think ableism in fandom exists, and what are your reasons for believing that?

Yeah, it definitely exists.  I’ve encountered a lot of it. Things that range from shaming disabled ppl or making fun on their disabilities to bullying neuro-divergent fans because they are an easy target to get a rise out of.

Some ppl do it deliberately because the drama amuses them, some do it accidentally but it is a definite problem within the fandom.

 How does ableism in fandom shape your fandom experience?

I’m an adult with her life in order. Words of internet strangers don’t really bother me. At most, their obstinacy and rudeness gets a laugh out of me. Other neurodivergent fans however are young, vulnerable and are definitely not as able to shrug it off with such ease. I find myself trying to defend them or at least comfort them.

This has led to the confounding phenomenon of ppl trying to stop me from helping them or telling me that as an “old person” I should get a job instead of bothering with fandom or any other reason to justify allowing this bullying to continue. (see the thread I have on twitter that documents fan on fan aggression and the reactions of other fans in the comments and quote tweets that are defending things such as suicide baiting being “harmless fun between kids”)

 Where do you think does this problem come from?

For the most part, a lack of empathy.

It comes from a lot of the fandom splintering into small groups and religiously defending their opinions and actions. The ppl they surround themselves with are people just like them, that share their opinions and this has led to a process of distilling the extremes.

It’s a lot easier to hurt strangers if you see them as other, wrong and deserving of this treatment.

 This process is coupled with an absence of critical thinking, where any opinion that differs from the “group accepted one” is unfounded critique at best and a personal attack to the creeds of said group at worst.  People feel personally attacked when their favorite character or their own headcanon is questioned and violently lash out without even considering anything that is actually communicated. This fandom is, quite frankly, allergic to discussions and differing opinions.

 What do you think can (disabled) fans do on a small and on a large scale against it?

On a small scale.

My advice is this: You can’t choose whether people try to offend or attack you, that’s their choice. What you can do is chose whether you let yourself be offended by it.

What some ill-mannered internet stranger tells me has no real life impact on me besides my emotional reaction to their words. I chose to be amused by their idiocy rather than offended by their “insults”

Their assumptions tell more about them than about me. Someone calling me a white cis het man is not going to make me a dude bro that watches football, it is however going to make me laugh at their inability to continue an argument logically. It’s more a reflection of their failure to argument back and knee jerk reaction to defend their convictions with any means possible rather than anything I might have done.

 On a large scale,

the splintered groups of the fandom are locked in a pointless conflict that is mostly one-sided and exists solely to justify the self-victimization narrative that one group has going on. They thrive on this dynamic.

The best reaction to their instigating of drama would be “that’s rough buddy” and doing our thing.

Throughout the few months that I’ve been part of this fandom, I’ve been convinced that no amount of attempts at discussion or bringing logic and evidence is going to stop them from trying to target our group - Especially the neurodivergent younger fans.   You cannot convince someone of anything if they are not willing to listen. A dialogue has two interlocutors. If they don’t want to listen to us, then I’m fine no longer listening and trying to argue with them. I’m done offering them a courtesy that they will never return.  

 I love how short and clear this is. I would have probably rambled a lot more. And I appreciate the no bullshit attitude she has about antis, its very badass and something I try to acquire too.

 _

Next is a fan of color who was more comfortable with staying anonymous.

 How do you usually interact with fandom, what is your role in fandom? Which fandom(s) are you in?

I use to be in SPOP and The Owl House, I'm now in Animaniacs, K/DA, Kipo, and Infinity Train

 What is your disability and/or neurodivergency? Are you part of other marginalized groups?

I am ADHD and self diagnosed with Autism, and then I have cronic back pains and tumors in my back. I am also a Bisexual WOC.

 Do you think ableism in fandom exists, and what are your reasons for believing that?

Ableism in fandoms do exist. While most know and care for Autisic people and those with ADHD, they often forget the other neurodivergent and physically disabled people apart of the disabled community. They never seem to consider these groups in their arguments and seem for forget other Neurodivergents can be ableist to others and disabled people, and that Ableism isn't just exclusive to being Autistic and ADHD.

 How does ableism in fandom shape your fandom experience?

It shapes my experience by feeling very left out all because my hyperfixations weren’t the popular choice. I've seen many of my friends with similar experience deactivate or their fixations become triggers. I've seen my friends get death threats or have their identity completely erased. No only have I experienced ableism, but colorism and racism by white fans and some other BIPOC who are fans that go after those with unpopular fixations, such as the entire spop fandom when to comes to Entrapdak fans, who mostly consist of lgbt+, disabled and neurodivergent, victims of cults or different forms of abuse, BIPOC. I've had white fans completely erase my identity without even knowing all because of what I liked not being the popular ship, I've been told to shut up when calling out the ableism in cast and gotten death threats, and along with White latinos telling me to be silent when talking about the racist implications of Catra. It made’ em compeltely just leave fandoms, even ones where I felt really represented by characters.

 Where do you think does this problem come from?

This problem comes from mostly younger fans thinking they're apart of this "woke" and "purity" culture, and I think most going through that big phase of finding out your identity and just consuming anything that caters to it and denying anything out of it. Which ain't a bad thing, everyone goes through it, and eventually they'll grow out of it and see their faults. This also is just the works of "purity" and "cancel", culture, which gets abused and worked down to if you did or like something someone dislikes then you are problematic. Not actually cancelling them for serious things such as racism, sexism, lgbt+ phobic things, but just if you enjoy a form of content that someone else doesn't like. I've seen young children be called abuse sympathizers for enjoying villian characters or just drawing art of them. I've seen people me bite up and arms about that then people being biphobic or racist. Those who been raicst later become jokes and causally discussed on. I've seen my black friends and indigenous friends be called colonizers for liking a character whos black-coded but was called a colonizer by the racist WHITE show producer. Fandoms only care about the popular opinion rather then actually listening to other minority groups. I've seen white fans use their friends who are BIPOC to justify their harassment to others.. it's disgusting.

 What do you think can (disabled) fans do on a small and on a large scale against it?

It could be stop caring about what the popular opinion is and left up the voices of other disabled groups. ACTUALY educate and also stop using your neurodivercity and disability as an excuse to harass other disabled and neurodivergent people. Stop using your entire identity to harass people. Call out your friends for being ableist and uneducated. Just stop caring about what others think, and a temporary follower count, and actually care about your community.

 I totally know feeling left out because my special interest isn’t the popular thing to be excited about.

 Anon raises a important point with how even the disability movement mostly focuses on ADHD and autistic people and tends to leave out others. It is definitely something we have to be aware of and consciously watch out to not do it when we are not disabled in these other ways ourself.

 This other phenomena she brought up, of antis who are disabled or neurodiverse themselves using that trait as a shield to justify outright hunting down and bullying neurodiverse or disabled fans who have different opinions, is something I recognize as well. It’s always just sad and shocking, and it’s also really convenient for ableists because here they have actual disabled people backing up their views, so you can’t criticize them. Sadly these people are usually to ignorant and hateful to be able to still talk with them and reach them, but just know that neurodiverse and disabled people can sometimes be ableist too. (A indication for this is when they do their best to harm other disabled people, as these antis do).

 The rampant racism is another thing that gets glossed over very often. As a white person (albeit of several other minority groups) I saw it, I saw antis justify being racist to actual fans of color just because according to their arbitrary opinion some character is racist or not pure, but I was not comfortable with exploring it further because it’s not my place to do that, and I could never understand it as well as fans of color do. Every white person should do their best to listen to them and support them.

 _

ImpStoleMyShoes is active on tumblr and twitter, where they are also quite prevalent in fighting against bullies in the fandom.

[trigger warning for a short mention of rape in this part]

How do you usually interact with fandom, what is your role in fandom? Which fandom(s) are you in?

I’m most active in She-RA right now. I don’t usually become involved with any fandom enough to devote a lot of dedication to it but she-RA changed that for me because of Hordak and how he relates to me.

Usually I talk about fandoms in fam groups.  Now I write, rp or draw and I’m in bigger groups on discord with dedicated fans of She-Ra. That’s how I interact with the fandom.

 What is your disability and/or neurodivergency? Are you part of other marginalized groups?

I have autism, adhd, epilepsy, ocd, depression, anxiety and ptsd. It feels strange to say “marginalized group” about this but it is one that’s noteworthy for not being respected or treated well.

I’ve been raped and have post-cult trauma these two things are things people don’t take very seriously either because they don’t understand it or they accuse these things of being your fault when it’s not something you could have controlled.

There’s a lot of hate and negativity by people who just don’t understand and don’t care to. Or think they know more than you about your trauma while never having experienced it.

It’s unfortunate and very harmful to people with trauma to the point it could push people to suicide. It’s very serious.

 Do you think ableism in fandom exists, and what are your reasons for believing that?

I absolutely do. I’ve experienced it a lot in the She-Ra fandom. It’s pushed many of my friends out of the fandom. I myself have experienced a lot of my triggers being forcibly used to hurt me. Or disability erasure by fans and even fans that erase characters disabilities like Hordaks in order to either push me down or defend their nonsensical arguments.

Hordak got me through the months directly after leaving the cult Atmosphere just knowing there was a character I could relate so much to.

And while I was telling my story on Twitter, I once had someone erase my post-cult trauma and my story of how Hordak helped me through by both stating they knew how cults worked and how horrible a cult is. But that Hordak was both not mentally traumatized or had been in a cult despite the creator of the show stating he was in a cult. They proceeded to yell at me and berate me over liking a character that is not real as though I was not allowed to have survived my cult trauma through Hordak.

 How does ableism in fandom shape your fandom experience?

The ableism I experienced only wants to make me fight more for my friends and myself. It does not effect how I feel about the show unless it’s the creators saying something. It makes me feel bad but I realize you have to separate a character from their creator in that instance. So many people worked on the show and with that character not just one. And so it makes me feel better to know that. I have never and will never put up with bullies. And I will not allow them to hurt my friends and fellow NDs

 Where do you think does this problem come from?

Honestly I think that it stems from a lack of exposure and teaching when people are young. And it’s fueled by ableist parents and their environment. And then in turn encouraged by the fandoms and how creators act.

 What do you think can (disabled) fans do on a small and on a large scale against it?

Those who can , stand up for those who can’t and those who can’t, bring attention to it and make it know we won’t tollerate it. Form a union with each other and make sure you stand up for each other.

_

The next “interview” is from LP, and she is on twitter and tumblr, but under a different name.

 How do you usually interact with fandom, what is your role in fandom? Which fandom(s) are you in?

My interactions with the fandoms I am in vary, depending on the kind of fandom itself, on the size of the fandom, whether any of my close friends are part of the fandom, and other factors. In general though, most of my interaction with fandom consists of consuming fanmade content, particularly fanart, fanfiction, fanvideos, etc., and supporting the creators of the said content by liking and sharing their work I like on social media (e.g. reblogging on Tumblr and retweeting on Twitter). I have also been a fanartist myself for several years now, running a small DeviantArt account as a hobby. Aside from that, my ways of interacting with fandoms are rather passive and limited. Hardly ever do I start or engage in conversations or discussions with other fans (aside from my close online friends) when it comes to opinions, headcanons, etc. – instead I prefer to let my opinions known by sharing posts I agree with.

Fandoms I am in (with very varying degrees of my interaction with them): My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, The Arcana, Undertale, Steven Universe, Dinosaur Train, Toad Patrol, Good Omens, Frozen, Howl’s Moving Castle, Minecraft, My Hero Academia, The Great Gatsby.

 What is your disability and/or neurodivergency? Are you part of other marginalized groups? I am an autistic 18 year old girl diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and mild social anxiety, in the present getting therapy and medical treatment. Being an asexual demiromantic, I am also part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

 Do you think ableism in fandom exists, and what are your reasons for believing that?

I definitely believe ableism in fandom exists, as it does in every other part and aspect of society and is deeply ingrained in people’s everyday lives. Another reason for believing so is that representation of disabled and neurodivergent people in media (therefore the canon material our fandoms are based on) is itself still often subjected to harmful stereotypes and stigma, misinterpretations, bad writing, and so often not done properly.

 How does ableism in fandom shape your fandom experience?

It undoubtedly worsens my experience and ability to fully enjoy the fandom. Witnessing disabled/neurodivergent characters getting misunderstood, misinterpreted and/or even hated by fans on the basis of being disabled or neurodivergent can be really unpleasant. However, probably the worst is when disabled/neurodivergent fans get harassed, ridiculed, silenced or assaulted by ableist neurotypical/abled fans for speaking up, calling out ableism or simply voicing their opinions, views and feelings. Such behavior is unacceptable.

 Where do you think does this problem come from?

As mentioned above, I believe it comes primarily from the systemic deeply-ingrained ableism, stigma and prejudice present in society, lack of education and understanding, as well as not listening to disabled people and not letting disabled/neurodivergent creators write for characters with said or similar disabilities.

 What do you think can (disabled) fans do on a small and on a large scale against it?

Sadly, in my view, our possibilities are very limited. I definitely think making posts which address and call out and educate on these issues on blogs and other social media is a wonderful, factual and straightforward way of bringing attention to these issues, and I am immensely grateful to creators who put time and effort into such posts and analyses. Aside from that, though, it is difficult for me to think of other effective ways.

  I totally agree, it is difficult to do something as a single person against this issue. LP also has a point with this being a systemic issue.

 Thank you for participating.

 _

 So… Last but not least I will talk about my own experience. And please ignore the voices from outside, it’s very sunny here, so there are many families with small children outside.

 How do you usually interact with fandom, what’s your role in fandom?

 I make fanart and fanfiction, sometimes I also write meeta, metta, meta – how is this pronounced? – I make G.I.Fs, GIFs, urg… damn, sorry, I… my problem is I read English a lot but hardly ever hear it, so I have a lot of words from which I don’t know how to pronounce them.

Uhm, yeah, also I make fanvideos from time to time. And of course I reblog stuff from others.

Right now I am mostly in She-Ra, but also in Star Trek, particularly Star Trek Discovery, and for a very long time I was in Babylon 5, but I had to leave because it was very toxic.

What’s your disability and/or neurodivergency? Are you part of other marginalized groups?

 I am autistic, and I was quite ashamed of it as I was younger, but by now it’s became a quite important part of me. Through the trauma of being abused by my peers because I am autistic I also have severe bipolar disorder and also some other mental illnesses. I take medication for that, but said medication also causes physical side effects, but I rather have this side effects than depression.

And outside of that I am also a bisexual woman.

 Do you think ableism in fandom exists, and what are your reasons for believing that?

 Oh, it definitely exists. I had the suspicion already in the Babylon 5 fandom, because the most hated character was very heavily autistic coded, and other characters had way larger crimes but somehow everybody hated him the most. But I couldn’t prove anything because it was very subtle and very covert.

It’s very more overt in the She-Ra fandom. There is not a single day without direct or covert ableist hate on twitter, and it’s slightly more rare on tumblr, but it’s definitely still existing.

There are just so much higher standards for Hordak and Entrapta than abled, neurotypical or neurotypical passing characters like Catra. And they are called bad rep for things other characters are praised for.

Also almost all anti arguments are based on ableist ideas. So, Entrapta is called childlike, innocent and unfit to make decisions, Hordak is described in terms real live physically disabled people are often called. And I actually saw several physically disabled fans talking about that and how much it hurts, because the antis call him gross and old man and not worth existing.

Very often, the antis also use psychological problems against people and gaslight and use other abuse tactics such as DARVO, for example they purposefully triggered someone, they send death threats, they suicide bait.

 How does ableism in fandom shape your fandom experience?

 I… It feels a bit dangerous to talk about this, because the antis want to hurt people, they want to affect people negatively and drive them out of fandoms, so I am afraid that by talking about how much this hurt me I’m giving them what they want.

But… it really, really took the fun out of it. Its also quite, uhm, yeah, I can’t describe it any other way than traumatizing to see just how many people don’t think you are a person, that you shouldn’t be allowed to have relationships, that you shouldn’t be allowed to be happy, that you shouldn’t be allowed to make own decisions.

This hostility – especially on twitter… On twitter it doesn’t feels like doing your thing because you are having fun with it, it just feels like being constantly in a state of alert and just defending yourself and not doing much else. And this wasn’t always the case, I remember that as I got into the fandom, twitter was super nice and it was actually a escape from the toxic Babylon 5 fandom. But now you can’t even go into the tags anymore because these antis deliberately clog these tags with their hate and then they have the nerve to pretend that harassing disabled people, neurodiverse people is some kind of morally pure because they like villains – while they are liking villains themselves, but of course that’s different because these villains are conventionally attractive and female and abled and neurotypical.

It got to the point where I was actually nervous to even participate in online fandom.

And… People say that trauma makes you stronger, but sadly I am not one of these people. I was bullied very heavily and have a lot of trauma because of that, and sadly my trauma just makes me weaker and more sensitive, and this stuff is going directly into all of my triggers and… it’s not nice.

I honestly thought about leaving, but there are no couples consisting of people like me anywhere in media, and the thing is, you can’t just change special interests, sadly. And also leaving would have felt like doing what the antis want, and I don’t want to give them what they want.

What is also incredibly frustrating is seeing how much hate these people spew all the time and saying things that are very blatantly wrong, both about the show and on a larger, more dangerous note about certain disabilities or minorities, and they just don’t get any consequences! And you can’t give them consequences because they are to ignorant to react when you prove them wrong. Because they are loving themselves so extremely that if something proves them wrong they just don’t believe it. From time to time there are ones that get suspended by twitter, but they usually have second accounts and they say twitter is homophobic instead of finally realizing that they are just horrible people who should change.

I just hope that this purity culture bullshit finally stops in some time because it’s just so exhausting.

Where do you think this problem comes from?

It’s a intersection of antis aka purity culture with systemic ableism.

Ableism is systemic, and this means it is part of society, it is taught in school, journalism and fiction, and over the course of your whole live you hear these ableist ideas again and again, and so it’s especially pervasive, more so as if this came only from hearing it one time or so.

Most of these antis probably never met a openly disabled person in real live, so they only know stereotypes. And this means that the stereotypes feel true. On the flipside: Seeing autistic or physically disabled people how they are in reality feels wrong then, so it has to be fitted into their idea of how a disabled person is. See “Entrapta is like a child and manipulated by Hordak” or “Hordak is not disabled”.

And the second part of it are antis. They rely on their ideology feeling right. Because if you are young and don’t know how extreme this goes and how harmful this can be “doing morally wrong things or thinking morally wrong things means you are wrong” feels like a thing that is true. Because of that they are preying on children, because children don’t have as much live experience as older people and so lesser often understand how damaging having to be pure hundred percent of the time is.

Also, antis and ship wars need enemies. They have a fixation on characters who are exactly like them, but neither Entrapta nor Hordak are like them, so the representation they are is also overlooked.

Also through the ingrained systemic ableism disabled characters and fans already feel wrong, so they are a good target.

Another point is that disabled and neurodiverse fans are very often traumatized because society is very ableist and traumatizes them through how they are treated. But traumatized people react in ways that are, well, make them easier targets for them and also more fun targets because bullies think it’s funny when someone is hurting.

 What do you think can (disabled) fans do on a small and on a large scale?

On a large scale sadly not much since through systemic factors the disabled fans are rarely the ones in a position of power.

On a small scale: The most important thing is to find likeminded fans and communicate with them. If you have enough spoons show ableists that their behavior will not be tolerated. If you have not enough spoons, report the tweet or reblog if possible, block the person, ask others with enough energy to deal with this for help, document it and add it to soranis twitter threat, also share blocklists and use twitter blockchain on Chrome. It lets you block all followers of one troll with one click, and its very usfull, especially, well, only on twitter, since sadly there is no such thing for tumblr, but that is what blocklists are for.

Another thing is that positive content for your faves is more effective than anger, since it directs attention away from the hate. Easy ways to do this that take don’t much energy, because all this stuff is very draining and you often don’t have energy, are: Screencaps, maybe with captions. You can DeepDream edit screencaps – DeepDream is a program that makes it possible to basically copy the art style of something and overlay it on the other picture you put into it, and it’s really nice, it makes such beautiful pictures with so less effort. You can also put random surface level observations on your twitter or tumblr, and the way I do this is to look at a word generator and then write down the first thing that comes to mind. Of course also higher effort stuff like art, fic and deep meta is very good, but these are ways that are easy to do and don’t require much energy. It’s also possible to prepare these beforehand and publish if there is especially much hate.

What is also very important and healing, even, is taking days or even months off of toxic pages. I know that it feels like you have to fight constantly but this is needed to be able to continue to fight. And you don’t really own anybody your energy, even if it feels like this. I even made a list of reminders for disabled fans, and I put it in the links.

I really wish I could end this on a more positive note, but I hope that this at least showed you that you are not alone and that there are others like you.

[cloveroctobers]

•ALLEGRA BIANCHI•

IG info/bio: @/theeallegrabianchi | 303k followers| Entrepreneur | bad bitches go to therapy thxz 🦭👄

(24) 26 years old

From Swansea, Wales

Ofc she knows who Catherine Zeta-Jones is...her mother literally resembles her and remembers people coming up to her mom countless times asking for a pic growing up, and Allegra hated taking pics for these imbeciles...mainly because the attention wasn’t on her

has a dysfunctional family...

her mother is critical of almost everything she does but at least she paying attention?

and feels her father is neglectful and only seems to be heard when she’s in his face

all they know how to do is scream at each other instead of talking calmly to one another

her mother is of Venezuelan heritage

And Her father is of Italian heritage

her father’s side of the family resides in calabria italy

he named her after his high school gf that passed away due to his irresponsible drunk driving on their senior prom night

Her parents do not have the healthiest of relationships due to her father constantly cheating on her mother in the past...leading to verbal and physical fights

also has a kid or two outside of their marriage because of his unfaithfulness and allegra learned to hate them because of the hurt her mother showcased

In the beginning she was only around them because her father enforced it, that she needed to know her family “blood is all you got in the end.” He would always say but that was bs

Would take her, her half sibs, and her full sibs on day trips/weekend trips in his suburban

Has three full older brothers and one full younger sister

Because of this, Allegra did not have a clear view of what love was supposed to be and felt that anger in a relationship is supposed to be somewhat of the norm?

Many times she wished at night in her bed with a pillow over her head that her parents would just file for a divorce already when their fights would get bad to the point things would get broken and her mother would h*t her father (once with a metal bat) and throw him out of the house

Has had the cops called on their household before and cps definitely has/had a file on them

Has been in family therapy before and is currently in therapy mainly for herself because of the trauma & how it’s messed with her spirit as a person

Loves? Cares for her parents from afar but will never understand their relationship and why they’re still together to this day

Can go months without speaking to any of her family members and be completely fine with that

Had her younger sis, Nerina put her PRIVATE shit on blast via internet after love island aired and completely cut her off since she is “a clout chaser and money hungry bitch who can’t take care of own her child cause she opened her legs to a meth head who loves prison” OOP

she only has a decent relationship with one of her brothers who’s two years older than her, Vito. They seem to be the closest out of the sibs and he’s the only one she bothers to speak to from time to time

She’s a “cocktail entrepreneur” so I’m guessing she has her own business where she specializes in her own cocktail drinks? Working in some upscale rooftop/penthouse bar where she successfully makes profits from her signature drinks or has a brand that focuses mainly on cocktails

It took years for her business to take off and hasn’t been easy, not one bit. At times it felt like everyone wanted to see her fail and she has openly spoken about her struggles as not only a entrepreneur but as a woman in this business where no one wanted to take a chance on her

That just lit the fire that’s already inside of her

Aries sun + Leo moon + Scorpio rising? (Personality vs how you react to things emotionally vs you’re outside shell for those who don’t follow this too much. I’m not too in depth about it but I do find it interesting!)

Or should she be reversed as a Leo sun with a Aries moon? Aries are direct, fiery, one step ahead of others, impulsive, and know how to take charge. Leo’s are dramatic, loves attention, passionate, loyal, warm, and have a need to express their passions, and scorpios are intense, secretive, mysterious, and work strategically

anyways, I feel like she’s definitely improved as a person over the span of two years? Or at least I hope she has cause everyone goes thru changes

And she was frustrating in s1 so I just know she had some deeper issues going on so I really think therapy is helping her ass I wish it would help me lmao

Being cheated on honestly made her feel like her mother, weak in her mind she was with this dude for awhile—3 years and he just up and thought it was okay to cheat on her? With his personal trainer?! Yet he didn’t gain any muscle mass?! The ultimate disrespect!!! but one thing she knew? She wasn’t going to stick around like her mom did

But she was bitter about it foresure. She ultimately wanted to corner the girl for messing with HER man but part of her knew she wasn’t the only one to blame. However that didn’t stop her for cussing her out via voicemail a couple of times while intoxicated

Allegra always strived for love cause she’s never really seen it before or felt it

Sure she’s had many boyfriends before?And their names didn’t matter not only because she didn’t remember them? But she never felt the spark with them in the first place?

Maybe she wasn’t meant for love so she kinda put on this bitchy front and always been that way with some shitty friends she had around her until she recently cut them off a year ago

has gotten herself into trouble as a kid: trespassing, and destroying public property, smoking in the girls bathroom, physical altercations, cutting class, being assigned community service, etc... all with these friends she’s had for years!

Before she met her problematic friends in secondary, when she was in her pre-teen stage she was involved in the handbell team and in the Color guard but hates to admit it even tho her parents have pics all over the flat

went away to uni for a semester and wanted to join a sorority but the hazing was extreme to the point she was sent to the hospital then accepted? Which led to more trauma in her life so she dropped out

A few years later she decided on online courses and moved out of her parents flat as soon as she could with the $ she saved up and did not leave in the house since it was not safe to smh

Therapy was really helping sis, she felt a lot better and was working on her deep rooted issues mainly the anger and hurt and never really realized how it revolves around her life. She was super thankful for her therapist and reshaping herself

Many didn’t buy it but she knew she couldn’t give that much of a fuck? She couldn’t. In order to grow you got to learn that you have to involve for yourself and not others

She didn’t like the person she saw watching the show back but when she came back to the reunion a part of her hoped people saw some sort of change in her—even if it’s only been a few months since the show then

Sometimes she’ll slip back into old habits, wanting and doing so by snapping on people and blacking out by getting intoxicated and knowing that healing is a process and valuing yourself is the exact same

has a toy poodle that she loves deeply

doesn’t have many outside friends after cutting off the ones that were toxic

is pro-ab*rtion and had one herself which was aired out by her sister online

has a cozy flat that has a lot of brick exposure inside, a navy sofa which is her favorite piece in her house, and a view to die for!! which erases the fact that her apartment is “cozy” which she uses to replace the fact that it’s much smaller than what she originally wanted. She dreams big ya know!!!

currently has a crush on her art teacher who resembles Adam Rodriguez

but also feels like liking your teacher/instructor is a bit weird? Even tho they’re both grown

yes she is taking art classes now outside of work to find something that’ll bring her peace and these pass months they have until COVID hit where classes had to be cancelled yet she was contacted to continue online but she felt her art was truly shit but he says art is subjective

She feels like there’s a connection there? But at the same time isn’t looking for another relationship until she fully works on herself first! That took awhile for her to accept after she fell into some relations with a few ppl after the show

from there she realized that she might like girls too? And got a little annoyed that it took her this long to figure out especially with the way she felt around MC and cherry

doesn’t like to admit this but her fav holiday is Christmas? Even tho the theme is majorly corny to her but it actually makes her happy?

Feels like that was the only time her family showed love towards each other, and even tho they didn’t come from much, they always followed thru with their traditions

and she misses them a little bit around this time and might be the first one to call them even if the calls are short lived and kinda awkward at first

Loves making gingerbread houses and cookies

i feel like she now embraces her forearm hair but still gets everything else lasered

Miss Allegra has inches okay?! But I definitely feel like now in 2020 she’s chopping that shit off into a pixie cut and when she posts on the gram her hair is usually always damp when she shows it off

some comments — jake: lovely! Jen: babe, ur beautiful! Erikah: 😍 Tim: how hot! You’ve got the whole resident evil thing goin for yous

“Did he just call me a virus?”

And she might get a like from mason that’ll make her feel some type of way

We all have to go thru some growth you know so do you girl!

You can’t tell me she doesn’t play stabscotch!

Used to be obsessed with social media way before going on love island but lately doesn’t mind disappearing for months at a time? You have to cleanse yourself from that shit

idk i see her being mostly cool with jen or erikah and will hang out with them from time to time? Maybe they experienced some growth too, shit I sure hope so

still feels something for mason??? But at the same time maybe it was mainly superficial since mason wasn’t fucking with her like that, not 100% but at the same time gets frustrated that he still doesn’t see where she’s coming from and it’s been 2 years???

She loves hard if given the chance and then feels like shit when it doesn’t work out cause it feels like she wasted a fuck load of time

she no longer follows him because she feels like it’s better for her spirit or whatever and she doesn’t need to see him with someone else

the only guy that she really interacts with is Tim, yet tim is cool with everybody!

Otherwise there’s no real connection with her and anybody else? She wants to keep love island separate from herself now because she’s not exactly the same as she was two years ago? And hopes someday people will get that

Probably watches those auction shows on the telly late at night when she can’t sleep, hoping and can afford some of those things one days

I feel like she has chronic migraines too?

Once had a significant other buy her Allegra-D in all seriousness for her birthday because it reminded them of her & thought it would help her headaches 🤨

Loves the snow, but hates cleaning it off her car! S/O to those HOA fees, bless it cause leggy’s deff bussed her ass once before breaking her collarbone and sued like a mf!!!

Since her hours are hardly consistent since she’s mainly her own boss, she’ll have late nights/early mornings when she returns home and has to shift days where she cleans the flat but when she cleans??? It’s best everyone stays tf out of her way

And don’t try to help her cause you’re doing it wrong 10/10 of the time, she loves cleaning and has dropped mad money on those super expensive vacuums

Only knows how to make what’s relative to her culture: arepas, penne alla vodka, and cawl but otherwise than that? She’d rather clean then spend hours in a kitchen cooking unless she’s making cocktails ofc!

also loves shopping for clothes but shoes are her fav things to shop for

Deff has a steamer over a iron for her clothes

Keeps eucalyptus and lavender oil in her purse at all times

posts mainly on her stories and made a deal with her supporters that she’ll go live once a month since she feels like she owes them that? Since she’s not as active anymore but she really doesn’t owe anybody shit but out of the newfound kindness of her heart...she does

Believes she got Covid before they all decided to do a shut down/lockdown of restaurants, bars, etc.. and her suspicions were proven correct after she decided to get tested

her anthem? Kali Uchis — Dead to me (acoustic version)

[dragimal]

now that s5 is over and I’m starting to wind down from the high of the finale, I think I can finally grasp *exactly* why I have mixed feelings on s5. to be clear, I absolutely ADORE TMA as a whole, and still consider it one of the best pieces of horror media I’ve consumed. but s5 left me feeling... not bad, but off, even when there’s plenty I still rly like abt s5

it mainly comes down to 2 things for me: 1) the severe tone shift, and 2) Martin being Fucking Weird for a lot of the season

a lot of ppl have talked abt how s5 just wasn’t as scary as the previous seasons for various reasons. one kinda inevitable reason was simply that a lot of the mystery of the horror had been revealed at that point, and a monster is never as scary once you can see it clearly. but I think the bigger reason is that the format shifted from horror anthology to.... sociology anthology. like, every statement of s5 felt like a sociology paper on fear and systemic abuse, rather than something meant to chill the reader

this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, honestly-- like I said, much of the mystery had been revealed, so I think it was an understandable move to try to shift the narrative somehow. also, I love sociology papers! I think they’re interesting to read, and s5 gave us some rly creative frameworks for some of them (the poetic carousel, Oliver’s professional assessment, Jared’s garden--)

however, I do think the tone shift was still a bit jarring, esp considering what the audience was used to up to that point. perhaps that’s an appropriate move, to match a plot point as game-changing as the literal apocalypse. BUT that doesn’t mean the tone shift still wasn’t a bit of a let-down, in terms of horror and tension

like, yeah a lot of the mystery was gone, but Hill Top Road ended up being the big mystery of s5... and we weren’t even fully aware of it til almost the end of the season? sure, there was plenty of fan speculation, but we were also considering SO many other possibilities, Hill Top was never rly a core theory until VERY late in the game. like, the mystery seemed to take a backseat to the sociology papers, if that makes sense, lmao

literally the ONE episode to give me chills down my spine like the good ol’ days pre-s5 was MAG196: This Old House. Annabelle vaguely threatening Martin, and ending on, “You have no idea who’s listening, do you?” fucking SUPERB, I was absolutely DELIGHTED by the possibilities of that one line! like, what did it mean? were we gonna go full meta??

but the last few eps after that were... frankly kind of a letdown from that spike of tension? I think those last eps are what rly cinched this idea for me-- that s5 was literally like reading a sociology paper. it rly all was just, arguing about the possibilities, considering the consequences, and making decisions. which, again, isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s not horror-- it’s a thought exercise with an apocalyptic garnish

EDIT-- I forgot to say, I think this is part of why MAG200 simply didn’t hit me the same way it hit others. it was intellectually satisfying-- it tied up loose ends, closed character arcs/relationships, left some delicious ambiguity-- but not emotionally cathartic, if that makes sense? like, I was expecting to cry, but I didn’t even rly get teary? I was grinning and delighted by all the satisfying conclusions, but I didn’t feel that emotional RELEASE that I was expecting and hoping for

as for jonmartin, I want to be clear here. I am NOT one of those ppl that thinks jonmartin came out of nowhere in s4-- I think the buildup pre-s5 was excellent, and their finally being together at the end of s4 was so so earned and rewarding. I’m also NOT one of those ppl that thinks arguments = abuse. I think when I briefly criticized jonmartin in s5 in the past, ppl got this impression that like, I think that jonmartin miscommunicating and having bad coping mechanisms... means that they’re bad for each other and abusing each other? and that’s just not the case?? 

I admit that my initial response to some of the jonmartin weirdness may have been a bit harsh, but even at the time I still loved jonmartin and was simply looking at their relationship with a critical but loving lens

what I have a problem with is that Martin pulls just as much bullshit as Jon in s5, and NEVER gets called out for it

this post I made a while back gets more into the details that bother me, but essentially, there’s always been this rly uneven “accountability scale” (idk what else to call it) for Jon vs. a lot of other characters-- in that, Jon always gets called out for his bullshit, while a lot of other characters don’t. now a lot of this is perfectly explainable as Jon being the main character, so we simply see his fuck-ups AND the subsequent consequences more often than any other character. and there are plenty of characters that I absolutely do NOT blame for going a bit overboard (I give Melanie and Tim in particular a ton of leeway here, given their respective situations. they more or less have full rights to bully Jon imo)

but, the problem is, there are also a LOT of moments where other characters say something absolutely horrific to Jon (namely Basira and Georgie in s4), like imply that he’s responsible for problems he had absolutely no control over, or fucking blame him for literally being groomed into an Archivist by people/powers he couldn’t even grasp... and those accusations are just left to sit and fester in Jon, completely uncontested

the nice thing abt s5 is that most of this is addressed-- like Basira’s completely unfair double-standards for “monsters”, and Georgie unknowingly blaming Jon for his trauma, etc.-- in very satisfying ways.

.... except for Martin.

without rehashing that linked post too much, Martin’s main problem in s5 is that his go-to response to trauma is denial. he denies the fact that he wants to kill avatars for his own satisfaction (which is a completely reasonable desire on its own tbqh!), and instead continues to lie to himself (for quite a long time) that killing avatars is actually helping anyone but Jon and Martin. he denies that Jon’s become a real full-fledged “monster”, and refuses to acknowledge all the baggage that comes with that

this denial unintentionally projects a lot of rly fucked-up messages at Jon, like: Jon is now a freaky horrorshow (even when he’s doing something completely innocuous, like talking casually about his powers); Jon’s fears over losing his autonomy/identity to the Eye, and his fears over his proven abilities to hurt others, are invalid; monsters inherently deserve to die, despite Jon technically being one; Jon not being able to use his powers “well enough” is some failure on his part

now, none of this is to say Martin’s characterization on its own is a bad thing-- I actually think it could’ve been interesting! it’s a perfectly reasonable trauma response, it tracks for Martin’s character pre-s5, and could have been a rly interesting perspective to explore.... if it was ever actually challenged by the narrative or other characters

I think the closest we got was Martin’s conversation with himself in his own domain, when his double calls him out for fantasizing a happy ending where Jonah is dead and Jon and Martin kiss (OUGH.... JONNY YOU HURT ME..), but that still never rly addresses the hurt that Martin’s denial causes Jon

and god, I was rly holding out-- Martin seemed to chill out on the denial a lot after the first third of the season, and I was hoping it might go a similar route as Basira, where it would just take a while to rly address Martin’s issues. but then Jon and Martin have their argument in MAG194, and I was fully on Martin’s side of it, UNTIL he said, “You weren’t meant to enjoy it this much!” (in reference to Jon killing avatars), and when Jon calls him out, Martin just brushes over it! 

BOY when I tell you I went BALLISTIC.... FUCK YOU Martin, YOU’RE the one that went all Kill Bill and PUSHED Jon to feel the same way!! JESUS. like I get that that wasn’t the core of the argument there, but oh my god that one bit...

and once again, to make myself perfectly fucking crystal clear here, this is coming from someone who relates heavily to both Jon and Martin. I can see exactly where Martin is coming from for many of his decisions, and the trauma that’s led him to mentally protect himself like this. so it only makes me more frustrated to see him refuse to face his own issues, while still (understandably) expecting Jon to face his issues. yes, Jon pulls a LOT of bullshit in s5 that he deserves to be called out for (and called out he is!), but accountability goes both ways, Martin! you can’t demand responsible behavior from others if you’re not willing to extend the same courtesy!

[charlie-minion]

charlie-minion(.)tumblr(.)com/post/635987979304943616/could-the-same-spn-finale-make-a-little-more-sense Hey Love! Thanks for such an amazing post! It was still hard for me personally to deal with it for many reasons, but when you mentioned "yeah well we gotta work around Dean dying so let’s work around Dean dying then, stay with me" i understood why u went where u went with it. I just wanted to ask your opinion/suggest/question few things if u don't mind. 1) I can see Dean's speech (1/9)

“If we don’t keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing” make sense, except in psychlogy grieving and remembering people who died is not the same as not letting go. I feel this point could be GREATLY improved if we saw some memorabilia in bunker around Cas (without Dean paying much attention to them or being sad about them (2/9)

[?Miracle running to him for cuddles with mixtape in mouth and Dean freaking out about how it’s the best dog ever cuz he loves Led Zeppelin or sth, idk I’m making it up as I go with examples, dont mind me?]) and would either see that Dean is still grieving while working on letting go (not bc he can’t let go, but because grieving is a process and IT IS HEALTHY to grieve. Too many ppl are shamed for needing time to heal(!!) while it’s actually personal and normal and we know Dean doesn’t (3/9)

just insta forget (from experience), and grieving has more to do with emotionality and less with not being able to let go). OR we could be shown in some way that more time passed and he did already get to heal from grief. That would save Dean from seeming suddenly uncaring and emotionless (especially while knowing Cas is in super hell for eternity, not just ‘dead whatever it means’, and considering Dean WAS in hell and knows it’s not ‘fun and games’) towards anyone who isn’t his brother. (4/9)

I realize episode is Sam centered, but this picks huge focus on Dean by omission. 2) I feel it doesn’t matter so much whether Sam picked phone to call as that he easily decided to give up on calling while he could still stay with Dean, listen to him and continue to make the call. That death took like 7-8 minutes of the episode. The phone should be left in the car for example, it being crushed during fight is lame and cheap, but any excuse would be better than (5/9)

“Ok I guess I’ll stop calling and let u die, don’t tell me I didn’t try”. 3) That whole “I love you so much” really hit me hard when I was watching, while I fully agree with the point you made, I feel like adding “so much” was just too passionate. As you said, he needs to say it to Sam before anyone else. "I love you, my baby brother” – second part already makes it valuable and emotional. It does no business being passionate. He is dying (for a while now) adding words that don’t (6/9)

need to be there makes viewer question “Is he rly going to die? He seems to have no problem flowering his words” and to me at least felt like going from 0 (unability to say ILY) to million which just took me from the situation totally as I was questioning if I’m watching the right show/character. It’s like if Dean went to Sam in episode 1 about finding his dad, we would be informed just how relations between Dean and John looks like, and next episode they would go for burgers (7/9)

and Dean would be like “Yeah I got bored of looking for him” and show would end… 4) Also MoTW not being from journal would make world of difference. That’s a callback that rly puts the story back to years before and Dean dying finishing his father’s job seems like a joke in rly bad taste. That’s all that crossed my mind I think. What do you think about those? Sorry for a long msg. I can try to send it via phone in one piece if you would rather. I’m really interested in your opinion on it. (8/9)

I know you were trying to fix stuff with as small changes as possible in your post, but I felt those also were just small things that would mean world to fans and story. Thank you so much for giving yself to the fandom, you’re my all time favourite writer since I remember <3 (9/9)

Hey! Sorry again, I'm the anon from yday with that long question. I just felt it was worth adding: "“Dean is focusing on the task at hand. His attitude, as Ackles puts it, is, “I’m not going to think about what I’ve lost. In turn, I’m just going to focus on what I can fix.” That leads Dean down what Ackles calls a “hopeless road.”" (it’s interview about s13). Just to point out hopelessness in stopping yself from thinking of who u lost to forcefully direct yself to the future. :D 

Hello, Nonnie! Sorry it took me so long to answer. The post you are referring to is this one: Could the same SPN finale make a little more sense with some additions/changes?

I didn’t write that as the kind of finale I would want. I did it to prove the finale could have been the same: pandering to general audience, w*ncest and destiel shippers alike, while still keeping some sort of logic regarding the build up of the story. It didn’t have to be so bad, but it was, and it looks intentionally bad, if I’m being honest. Maybe it was better that way, because it made it easier for us to simply ignore the existence of it. 

Regarding all the points you sent in your messages to me, I’m just gonna post them all together because they seem interesting, but I don’t really want to spend more time thinking about a finale that already hurt me enough. The only two posts I’ve written about the finale were for me to cope, to kinda heal and let it go. Now I just pretend it never happened. I’m glad you had some space to vent and I’m posting your messages so others can read the whole thing and maybe let comments if they want to agree or disagree, but that’s all I can do. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and the fandom as well. Everything that helps us heal is valid. *hugs*

[sexycontainmentprocedures]

ppl love to preach about how childhood trauma and/or unaddressed trauma and lack of proper psych care and certain mental disorders can yield emotionally abusive behavior in people who don't intend to be abusive, right up until they realize we're actual people. then we're just plain abusers, then it's simply impossible for the abuse to be unintentional, because it doesn't fit the mold of when it's supposedly understandable for us to lash out/etc. so which mental disorders are y'all giving free passes for emotional abuse? what type of childhood trauma 'counts'? what's 'bad enough' for bad behavior to 'make sense'? "a person with X disorder can say Y, but if they say Z, that's just too far, and I will arbitrarily define the bounds of their personal life and emotions to claim such"

yeah after that point, once there's been a Good Guy(tm) and Bad Guy(tm) defined, there's no more preaching about the societal pattern we fell into, what happened to us, the abuse we experienced that led to us having a flawed comprehension of conflict and thus being abusive ourselves, etc. because by that point, anyone who points out those patterns is labeled an abuse apologist or accused of making excuses for us. if u think like that then how are u going to stop more ppl from following the same pattern and becoming abusers too? is it just like yeah after that point, you realize how ugly we are? that we are not as simple as "good" or "bad" people -- that for a lot of mentally ill ppl like us our fucking brains don't comprehend a vast amount of social standards, and we don't fucking understand how to tell people when we're uncomfortable, and we don't fucking understand how to get out of unsafe relationships without exploding or pushing the person away. none of us who actually recognize what's wrong WANT to be like this -- once we see the pattern we are thinking about it just as much as you are if not more, and every piece of advice given to neurotypicals -- or people whose disorders don't impact social behavior in this way -- is considered by us threefold if not more. because if we wanted to be bad people, we'd be capable of doing it on purpose; we don't want to be.

and it apparently messes up this sociopolitical narrative about who's allowed to make unstable, regrettable decisions and who's allowed to improve or recover. who's allowed to be seen as mentally ill, and who's required to be seen as malicious -- for inflicting the same damage on others regardless of which is the case! it's like only mentally ill people who fit ur perfect expectation of a "troubled person" are allowed to improve. if we're not troubled enough for your standards then we must just be plain old evil. ppl think you're either a victim or an abuser and there's no way to have been both, even during separate events in your life

and what's wild. these ppl are against suicide, but don't want us to improve our lives and continue to exist either. any statement we make is labeled a lie. u want someone u can rag on as long as they're alive no matter what they say or how they address their issues, and if they ever try to acknowledge anything and move on, u gonna either drag up old shit for a new crowd, or you gonna fabricate brand new shit. bc you need a target, you need a clear enemy so you feel like you Did Something about a Problem. never matters to u if we talked to the ppl we hurt about what happened! we're a political chesspiece for u to move around and make examples of and u also use the people we hurt in the exact same fucking way no matter what interpersonal conflicts get resolved. u use them without their permission or input, u use them as a chesspiece labeled Victim(tm) and that's it. u take their autonomy from them just like u take it from us, but in their case they don't deserve it whatsoever. it's not about what abuse between humans means in society -- or how to address it -- to these ppl, it's about labeling a "bad guy" so they don't have to investigate the complex social issues and background that contributed to the formation of a Bad Person in the first place, but they can still feel like they Care.

and THAT is what I think people mean when they say they dislike "cancel culture" -- not that they are as a whole against public repercussions for mistakes and harmful actions.

[bluestm]

                *     𝖌𝖗𝖊𝖊𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖘   .    y’all  ever  wondered  what  an  actual  angel  looks  like ?  lemme  point  y’all  in  the  direction  of  oNE  zendaya  coleman ,  blessing  to  humans  everywhere . i’m  taking  the  torch  from  ares  n  her  beautiful  rendition  to  try  and  keep  this  lil  goddess  on  the  dash  in  the  form  of  my  darling  soft  sarcastic  fool , 𝒃𝒍𝒖𝒆 𝒔𝒕 . 𝒋𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔 !  

  ⋆  ╰  another   year  at  hollingsworth  ,  another  year  of  the  big  six rivalry  .  i  hear  that  BLUE  ST.  JAMES is  ensuring  CHI MU OMEGA  gets  a  solid  pledge  class  and  stays  at  the  top  of  the  ranks  .  oh  ,  you’re  not  familiar  with  HER  ?  BLUE  is  the  ZENDAYA  look  alike  from  SEATTLE , WASHINGTON  .  a part  of  PC  ‘16  ,  she  is  majoring  in  HISTORY  and  has  plans  to  AUDITION  FOR  THE  AMERICAN  BALLET  THEATER  AND  REBUILD  HER  CRUMBLING  DANCE  CAREER after  undergrad  .  it  makes  sense  they  pledged  their  house  ,  their  SHARP-WITTED  &  ASSIDUOUS   attributes  make  them  perfect  matches  .  however  ,  their  ACQUIESCENT  &  OBSESSIVE  attributes  keep  their  name  alive  on  greek  rank  .  if  you  don’t  catch  them  dancing  to  SUPERMODEL  -  SZA  at  a  fraternity  band  party  this  year  ,  you’ll  be  sure  to  catch  them  nursing  their  morning  hangover  at  THE  CHI O  HOUSE  .  cheers  to  another  wild  semester !

⋆  ╰    𝑺  𝑻  𝑨  𝑻  𝑰  𝑺  𝑻  𝑰  𝑪  𝑺   .

𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍        𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 :         blue    ocean    st . james   𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬         :        i  applaud  u  if  u  can  make  a  nickname  out  of  “ blue “ 𝒃𝒊𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆        /        𝒂𝒈𝒆 :        september    3rd  ,    twenty  -  one  𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄         :        virgo 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓        𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚        /        𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔         :         cisfemale    identifying        with        she   /  her   /   hers    pronouns           𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏         :         openly    pansexual    ,  panromantic 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏        :           student   at   hworth   majoring    in    history     (   with   a   focus   in   the  history   of   art    and    literature    )  and    minoring   in    african  -  american  studies   ,    aspiring    pro   ballerina   𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔        𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆        :        hufflepuff 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏        𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒅        𝒃𝒚         :       amy   from  booksmart   (  !!!!  ) ,  rory   gilmore    from  gilmore   girls   ,    stiles   stilinski   from  teen  wolf    (  !!!!!!!!! )   ,  grace  cardinal  &   cam  saunders  from  degrassi .       𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔      :        -        melancholic  ,    overly-critical   ,    obsessive   , neurotic ,  teeteringly  non-confrontational   ,    astray   , acquiescent  ,  craven

         +                benevolent    , magnanimous    ,  tactful ,  inventive   ,   perfectionist ,   steadfast ,  sharp-witted   ,   rigorous  ,  assiduous  , sympathetic  

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑻  𝑬  𝑪  𝑬  𝑫  𝑬  𝑵  𝑻 .

my  concept  was  that  her  mom  ,  sonya  ackerman  ,  was  a  world-renowned  ballerina  ,  like  one  of  the  first  on  the  east  coast  and  had  a  massive  studio  that  took  off  in  seattle  as  one  of  the  premier  ballet  academies  for  dancers  of  color !her  dad  ,  theodore  st.  james  ,  was  a  criminal  prosecutor  training  to  become  an  assistant  district  attorney  in  georgia  ,   but  would  commute  out  to  washington  bc  obv  blue’s  mom  isn’t  gonna  just  abandon  what  she  worked  so  hard  to  build  .  her  parents  were  a  rather  stable  couple  ,  but  blue  can  easily  admit  what  a  piece  of  work  her  mom  was  and  the  fucking  number  she  did  on  those  around  her

part  of  pushing  so  hard  for  success  meant  having  a  lot  to  lose  ,  and  sonya  made  that  the  driving  point  of  not  just  her  life  ,  but  her  only  child’s  ,  a  bright-eyed  baby  girl  with  a  gaze  as  pensive  and  thought-provoking  as  the  color  she  was  named  after  .  blue  ocean  was  a  miracle  ,  a  gentle (  but  rather  prone  to fixating  )  soul  from  the  moment  her  curls  came  into  the  light  of  this  world  ,  and  was  her  father’s  pride  since  the  moment  he  held  her  .  suddenly  commutes  were  that  much  harder  ,  the  tension  of  having  a  marriage  and  a  daughter  only  on  the  weekends  and  being  left  a  stranger  to  your  own  child  all  because  of  your  wife’s  unyielding  stubbornness  really  did  a  number  on  theodore  which  led  to  the  eventual  demise  of  their  marriage  :/

blue  doesn’t  remember  much  leading  up  to  the  divorce  ,  but  she’s  smart  enough  to  recognize  her  dad  didn’t  just  up  and  leave  out  of  nowhere  .  he  later  tells  her  he  was  sure  he’d  get  at  least  shared  custody  ,  but  the  courts  surprisingly  ruled  in  sonya’s  favor  with  no  rational  logic  behind  it  other  than  her  claim  of  motherhood  .  being  raised  with  the  world’s  weight  on  her  shoulders  hugely  influenced  blue’s  personality  ,  ballet  being  the  only  thing  she  remembers  as  a  constant  in  her  life  .  never  one  to  lash  out  ,  blue  took  the  oppressive  upbringing  as  an  opportunity  to  prove  herself  —  maybe  this  wasn’t  her  dream  ,  but  she  was  a  perfectionist  obsessed  with  control  ,  and  she’d  take  whatever  path  her  mother  put  her  on  and  do  a  damn  good  job  at  it .

highschool  was  highschool  and  she  was  gone  almost  as  soon  as  she  had  arrived  ,  graduating  with  only  enough  friends  that  she  could  count  on  her  hand  ,  and  whisked  off  to  the  city  in  which  she  had  heard  in  countless  of  her  mother’s  nostalgic  throw-back  stories  growing  up  ,  attending  julliard’s  prestigious  ballet  program  as  if  to  honor  her  late  mother’s  legacy  at  her  alma  mater .  

excelling  through  classes  ,  nailing  audition  after  audition  for  a  coups  de  ballet  role  but  never  a  principal  ,  blue  builds  her  reputation  among  the  new  york  dance  scene  with  grace  and  humility  ,  inching  her  way  towards  her  ultimate  goal  of  the  american  ballet  theater  as  paved  by  misty  copeland  ,  the  only  hero  who  even  compares  to  her  mother  in  blue’s  eyes  .  she’s  just  a  few  more  well-timed  performances  away  from  the  life  she’s  always  envisioned  ,  until  a  sudden  phone  call  flips  her  life  on  it’s  head  .  she  hasn’t  addressed  her  mother’s  passing  ,  nor  its  details  ,  and  it’s  unlikely  a  person  with  such  an  emotionally  reserved  disposition  such  as  herself  will  ever  really  come  around  to  processing  it  out  loud  .  the  news  hits  halfway  through  sophomore  year  and  she  makes  it  until  finals  week  before  she  spends  a  week  in  the  hospital  ,  unravelled  and  unhinged  ,  dehydrated  from  her  sobs  and  weak  from  her  inability  to  keep  food  down  due  to  an  unrelenting  anxiety  she’s  never  known  quite  like  this  .  this  subtle  childhood  nature  of  fixation  and  perfection  manifests  as  a  full  blown  obsessive  compulsive  disorder  diagnosed  during  her  psych  eval  ,  releasing  her  with  a  script  and  a  recommendation  to  go  somewhere  where  she’s  got  a  support  system  .

hu  ,  only  a  half  hour  drive  from  her  father’s  firm  and  the  current  school  of  her  childhood  best  friend  ,  receives  an  application  days  later  ,  declaring  an  interest  in “ a  change  of  pace  from  the  world  of  ballet  and  an  interest  in  their  world-renowned  history  program .  ” she  gets  sucked  into  the  greek  world  without  truly  meaning  to  ,  wandering  aimlessly  through  her  new  life  as  she  auditions  for  different  ballet  troupes  and  bombs  each  attempt  .  feeling  empty  ,  distant  ,  and  the  impending  sense  of  personal  failure  ,  her  new  sisters  in  chi  mu  omega  give  her  a  constant  push  of  go-go-go  to  fill  her  days  with  a  distraction  from  her  thoughts  .  senior  year  rounds  its  head  ,  and  blue  wants  to  spend  it  pushing  herself  to  return  to  her  former  glory  ,  eyeing  the  next  year’s  productions  at  the  american  ballet  theater  and  her  dream  to  once  again  reach  the  point  she  receives  an  invitation  to  audition  .  she’s  not  quite  sure  if  this  will  fill  the  void  in  her  heart  ,  a  void  she’s  sure  she’s  known  nearly  her  whole  life  ,  but  she’s  got  nothing  prepared  in  her  back  pocket  ,  so  it’s  really  ,  at  this  point  ,  all  she  has  left  .

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑨  𝑳  𝒀  𝑺  𝑰  𝑺  .

for  a  lil  personality  blurb  ,  my  renditions  of  blue  have  always  been  really  soft  and  nuturing  and  i  want  to  keep  an  element  of  that  ? she’s  a  gentle  soul  and  part  of  that  absolutely  stems  from  her  upbringing  bc  her  mom  was  ..  .  .  .  not  a  nice  lady  lmao  .  but  somehow  ,  between  her  mom  at  home  and  then  her  mom  in  the  ballet  studio  ,  it  just  made  blue  more  compassionate  ?  she’s  admittedly  a  little  intimidating  ,  and  her  defense  mechanism  has  become  a quick  wit  that  manifests  most  amusingly  in  her  sarcasm  .  the  world  can’t  hurt  u  if  u  make  fun  of  it  first  ,  right ! i  also  wanted  to  sprinkle  in  a  little  bit  of  doe-eyed  buffoon  which  i  think  fits  in  well  with  her  whole  quiet  type  persona  ,  so  her  humor  deviates  into  goofiness  that  also  occasionally  manifests  as  an  awkward  as  shit  interaction  if  she’s  feeling  a  little  off ( as  in  :  the  bitch  has  a 50/50  shot  of  delivering  a  SEARING  burn  or  stammering  so  hard  she  ends  up  rlly  just  roasting  herself  :/  it’s  a  mystery  to  see  what  u’ll  end  up  w  when  it  comes  to  blue  ,  sigh )

delving  in  a  little  deeper  ,  even  if  she  seems  like  this  sarcastic  scattered lowkey  dork ,  who  gives  the  illusion  she’s  mellow  and  unbothered  ,  she’s  a  severe  overthinker  and  any  convo  longer  than  about  10  minutes  will  yield  to  the  fact  that  blue  is  constantly  stressed  the  FUCK  out about  the  smallest  things  .  she’s  really  observant  and  has  an  uncanny  ability  to  clock  ppl  ,  which  would  make  her  QUITE  the  devilish  fiend  to  exploit  ppl’s  weaknesses  but  alas  ,  for  a.  she  does  not  give  a  shit  abt  anything  enough  to  treat  people  cruelly  and b.  does  not  have  enough  braincells  to  spare  from  her  stress  and  misery  to  be  fiendish  and  manipulative  KSDJFKJSDHF  this  makes  her  a  really  great  person  to  tell  secrets  to  bc  literally  who  the  FUCK  is  she  gonna  tell ?  is  her  argument  n  lowkey !  she  right ! SDFHSKDHF  

contrary  to  what  her  performance  background  may  lead  many  to  believe  ,  she  really  is  not  fond  of  being  at  the  forefront  of  attention  and  feels  more  comfortable  lingering  in  the  background  ,  minding  her  own  business ,  and  staying  in  her  lane  so  catch  her  being  all  but  INVISIBLE  to  the  greek  rank  blog  !  her  critical  struggle  in  life  is  her  obsessive  personality  ,  deeply  rooted  in  the  trauma  of  being  riased  with  the  unyielding  expectation  for  absolute  perfection  .  she  has  a  hard  time  letting  go  and  comes  close  to  having  a  meltdown  if  things  in  her  world  arent  completely  under  her  control  (  as  exemplified  by  the  mental  breakdown  faced  during  the  most  stressful  time  in  her  life  .  )  she’s  incredibly  hard  on  herself  and  really  ,  truly  is  lost  as  to  who  she  is  without  the  fixation  of  perfection  in  her  life  .  this  is  incredibly  curious  due  to  her  selective  nature  —  in  terms  of  grades  ,  she’s  only  slightly  above  average  ,  and  is  rarely  interested  in  being  competitive  with  other  people  .  it’s  almost  exclusively  a  competition  with  herself  regarding  the  most  interesting  and  unassuming  things  : especially  considering  that  ballet  ,  her  whole  life’s  work  and  effort  ,  isn’t  even  her  PASSION  .  on  the  low  ,  she  kinda  hates  dance  culture  ,  especially  the  ridigity  of  ballet  !  like  bitch  wha t  the  FU C K  are  u  working  so  hard  on  it  for  ?  n  that’s  one  of  her  major  fears  ,  deviating  from  what  she  knows  and  pursing  her  true  passions  ,  because  at  least  with  ballet  ,  she  knows  it  and  she  knows  she’s  naturally  exceptional  — something  she  can’t  guarantee  with  her  true  passions  ( yet  tbd  but  have  something  to  do  with  art  history    !  ) and  would  rather  not  pursue  if  the  option  of  failure  ,  aka non-perfection ,  is  something  she’d  have  to  face  .

hcs  : she  doesn’t  drive  bc  she  doesn’t  have  her  license  as  she  has  rlly  bad  test  anxiety  and  ate  shit  all  4  times  she  tried  to  take  it  (  suffice  the  implication  of  her  failure  rests  in  the  sulking  pout  she  wore  for  about  2  weeks  straight  as  she  refused  to  try  again  a  5th  time )  ,  is  an  on  and  off  vegetarian  and  HATES  herself  for  it  ,  usually  that  friend  who’s  goin  “  i’m  not  sure  about  this  guys  ..  .  ..  ”    while  still  allowing  herself  to  get  dragged  into  shenanigans  ,  hates  her  own  drama  n  avoids  it  but  wants  to  BATHE  in  the  tea  of  those  goin  on  around  her  sdfsdfs  ,  goes  to  bed  at  9:30  on  the  dot  so  parties  are  oft  a  STRUGGLE  ,  has  strong  mom  friend  energy  despite  barely  being  able  to  manage  herself  ,  is  a  nerd  n  knows  it  yet  uses  nerd  as  an  insult  ,  cannot  cook  for  her  LIFE  ,  and  a  lil  pinterest  board  is     here   ! oh  !  and  she  does  NOT   fuck  w   being  touched  unless  u  get  her  express  approval !!!

plots  :  i  didnt  think  i  would  get  this  far  in  one  go  so  hit  me  up  on  dis/cord  for  my  list  of  plots  that  im  abt  to  pull  out  of  my  ass  ;))))

[primeadv]

SITS DOWN

PULLS OUT 10 GIANT ALBUMS :))) 

(this came out way longer than I intended im so fuckgkdsdf sory)

How I feel about this character: EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS I’M IN LOVE WIHT RATCHET. I love him in all iterations of Transformers because he’s always the tired, pragmatic one of the group. In contrast, he’s also almost tiredly optimistic in some ways. He won’t get out of bed, but if someone gets shot in the head he’ll spend however long and beyond to resuscitate them. There’s 2 halves to this--the me who identifies with the beating exhaustion he exudes, and the me who’s in awe that he’ll still fight his way through life.  I won’t... get into each continuity...because that’s too much, so I’ll stick with probably the most unpopular version of him and that’s IDW (my impression, anyway). IDW Ratchet gets a lot of flack for being way too sour and like, maybe not selfish, but uncaring. He cares! A lot! He’s always thinking about everyone in really surprisingly thoughtful ways. Like when he’s 90% sure he’ll die due to Overlord and his last words are to promote First Aid to CMO (he’s ready!! god that’s sweet), and to give his hands to Whirl (though maybe a bit blindsided, he’s paid attention to some roots of Whirl’s trauma). Or yeah he’s hella mean to Drift in the beginning, but when Drift is dying in his arms he’s scREAMING at him “you’re gonna make it! You’re gonna be fine because I’m gonna make sure you’re gonna be fine”. He can be an asshole, but he knows the time and place. Death isn’t something to play with--he’s seen probably countless friends die, and he doesn’t want that to happen again. Even now, even after the war.  So I feel very confused when ppl act like he’s this mean, cold person. He’s exTREMELY emotional. He’s probably way too invested in everyone’s lives, honestly? He interrupts a round table story for Rung just to reminisce on the veery last time he, OP, and Roller were together in the same room (not even hanging out or anything, just being together one last time. who remembers that after 5+ millions years??). He started an illegal clinic in the bad part of town because he wanted to put his skills to better use! Like! LOL.  ALSO, a point that i think is unfair is that ppl think his atheism is just really mean. IT is! But I think it shows just how much of an emotional and extremely, deeply hurt person he is. It gets aggravating when he’s condescending of religion, because there’s no simple logic to it. He reacts the way he does because he’s a hurt person who’s gone through years of trauma and this is his way of coping. Is it healthy or right? Nah, but it’s humanizing. It’s why when he becomes closer to Drift he occupies this weird between space where he snarks but also tries to indulge more in perspectives outside of his own in his own dumb old tsundere way. He’s a person who believes in justice, ultimately, and religion to him doesn’t fall under justice.  ALSO, can I say that his inability to say good byes is so.. like relatable? I have rly bad social anxiety, and so I’ve definitely ghosted people who’ve been nothing but really supportive for me. It’s not because I wanted to burn them, but it freaks you out needing to, not even say goodbye, but communicate with ppl. And for Ratchet--how many times was he FORCED to say good bye to friends + patients who were dying beyond his help? Maybe, if he could help it, he doesn’t want to say goodbye. And it’s tragic the times he’s just left, these were people who ended up either dying for falling astray into insanity, i.e., beyond his help. But he learns. He chases after Drift, who he actually said, in a way, good bye to (helping him off the floor after being attacked, also I should point out that a very tiny handful of people were comfortable interacting w/ Drift at all, and how much Ratchet just doesn’t give a shit abt how other ppl think abt him. he’ll help drift off the floor bc t’s the right thing to do). He says goodbye in his old dumb way--First Aid calls him out on it. ALSO his trust in First Aid is super cute. ALSO he’s like.. genuinely nice to Ten (he helped him get a date with Minimus!!!). And he’s not afraid to call out on other ppl’s bullshit (telling rodi straight you dont deserve to be captain which, at the time, was really true). He’s also SUPER smart. Also there’s that post on tumblr that pointed out that Ratchet immediately goes to deescalate conflict. He’s willing to put aside pride and anything if it means ultimately coming to a resolution where EVERYONE involved is safe. The only time he doesn’t is FUCKING OVERLORD who he rightfully, immediately, tries to briefly incapacitate to lockdown his medibay (protect patients/information). Ok I gotta stop I can go on forever just going page to page. Also, despite my love, I can totally point out his flaws. He’s grating when it’s unnecessary, he’s abhorrently bad at communicating, he’s privileged, he’s narrow-minded at times, etc. ec. But again what I love about him is that despite all that, he’ll throw his own self out the window for others’s well-being bc he genuinely, genuinellyyy cares about other people. If only he could care for himself //cries All the people I ship romantically with this character OH god... everyone. He’s my bicycle.  ok look, ya’ll know I’m an intense dratchet shipper and I could literally write a god damn essay. ... here’s another essay???!! So, I’ma be real, I wasn’t a super dratchet shipper before. I wasn’t anti (i have no notps), but I was just “yeah they’re cute i guess haha”. But 99.99% the reason why I ship anything is all for super cute adorable fanart. and I kept drawing them because 1) ratchet’s my fav, 2) drift is super popular so I figured I should learn to draw him. And they became the only 2 mechs I could draw. I used to be way more into Scavengers + megarod. I used to only like 1 dratchet fanfic and that’s bc it was less romantic and more plot centric (still a fav tho). Then I kept seeing cute fanart, I would read posts by other dratchet shippers too about what makes them so nice? And I was yeah.. oh yeah. And it doesn’t help that in Lost Light, drift is CONSTANTLY by Ratchet’s side. He’s constantly checking up on him and holding him and touching him, like as if Ratchet is the thing that he needs to make sure, at all costs, is safe.  In Drift’s life, Ratchet is the one who appears to him when he needs support the most but is in the most denial of it. When Drift is at the brink of death, overdosed and about to be broken apart and Orion brings him to Ratchet’s clinic. Ratchet patches him up pro-bono and tells him that he sees something special in him.  like??? can you imagine how that feels? To have no one believe in you--you don’t even believe in yourself, and yet here’s this person who tells you “you’re gonna be great”. And it totally doesn’t hit Drift in anyway, at least in a way that’s tangible to him, until much later in life. Or maybe it does (hey, how do you weave character narratives when it’s been written by like 3 different ppl shrugs). And that statement means 2 different things to them. To Drift, it’s a reminder that he’s worth something, even if it’s a sliver of nearly nothing to hold onto. To Ratchet, it’s a reminder that the greatness he saw led to the deaths of thousands of people.  HEY can you imagine this person you saved, patched up, tried to encourage, ended up being a mass serial killer in the future? (have you ever read Monster by Naoki Urusawa). Ended up killing people you loved?  So it’s no wonder that a good part of Ratchet is absolutely mad at Drift. And I think if that was all, they probably would’ve ended up being amicable. But Drift also ended up being super religious and seeing the hand and primus in everything and oh my god is this person really waxing poetry on the value of life when he, himself, shot several bullets at me at one point?  I also believe they are uncomfortably similar as they are different. The reason why they constantly butt heads is they’re two people trying to escape a past they don’t want and found complete opposite ways to cope with their losses. Drift found religion, Ratchet is gratingly pragmatic, and they see each other and go “how could this guy choose to be this way?”. I’ve heard ppl like to cite the annual as the reason why they could never work out. BUT, can I point out, that they act around each other in a way they don’t with anyone else? Drift gets SO MAD. Ratchet gets extremely talkative and incredibly personal (pulled out an electro slug from someone’s spark, holy shit that fucking traumatized you didn’t it??). They challenge each other emotionally, and it’s so fucking difficult bc they’re both extremely depressed and suffer from PTSD and would probably rather just go on their dumb space adventure and look at stars--take 2 emotionally constipated idiots and you get them. And hell no, don’t tell me Drift is in-tune with his feelings bc he’s 10000% not. He uses religion to cope with a past and life that he doesn’t want to think about. He tries to re-contextualize himself because he hates who he is. OUCHHH. And Ratchet MAKES him confront the parts of himself he hates--bc Ratchet has seen his worst traits and isn’t afraid to make him think about it.  So why do they work out eventually? They realize how important they are to each other. Delphi, Drift saves Ratchet’s life while he’s barely holding onto his own because he probably feels like he owes Ratchet his own life. And that’s a huge turning point in their relationship--Ratchet sees that... Drift tries really really fucking hard. My friend Zig pointed out that post-Delphi, Drift is eating energon w/ chopsticks (what a fucking nerd), and you can see in a later panel that Ratchet (who chose to sit next to Drift) is using those chopsticks too. IT’s such a small thing, but they’re becoming closer by sharing and learning from each other. And then Drift takes the fall and leaves. And Ratchet realizes just how important Drift’s presence is in his life. I mentioned it already lol but the scene where Ratchet helps Drift up off the floor and it’s superimposed with the love message Rewind left for CD. They care about each other so much!! And Ratchet chases after him!! HOLY SHIT. If that isn’t romance, what is?? lol I kid, but it’s obvious just how important Drift’s presence meant to him. IT’s really because they became so so so close in a way that can’t be described as just friends. They deeply understand each other in really uncomfortable ways and bring out the absolute worst and absolute best in each other. And this point is where Ratchet again appears when Drift doesn’t realize he needs someone in his life. Drift thinks he can be a loner and just float aimlessly and voicelessly--hell no! He needs friends, he needs community. He NEEDs belonging, because he wants to belong somewhere. And Ratchet helps bridge him back to friends and found family.  And Ratchet slowly changes the more he’s with Drift. He reads religious text and tries to brag about it bc he’s a dumb tsundere lol but he’s trying to understand Drift’s interests more even if it takes a decade and more to get there. And Drift values him for being his rock. That’s why he’s constantly making sure Ratchet is safe and unharmed, because he owes at least that much to him. And yeah they eventually fall in love because they value each other in a way they haven’t anyone else. IM EMO I CAN GO ONE, this all probably didn’t make a whole lot of sense but yeah. I’m just so soft to the fact that they’re horribly hurt people who don’t know how to redirect their pain, but by being together they come out healthier and more confident. IT’S RLY ROMANTIC IDKKK My non-romantic OTP for this character As much as I also love OpRatch, they are also great best friend platonic ship. They know each other best, they’ve been through SO MUCH together. It’s honestly a shame they barely interact in IDW bc the small tidbits we have, they obviously deeply respect each other’s opinions and deeply value the relationship they’ve had over the past millions of years.  I’m also all for non-romanceOTP for dratchet because I can totally imagine they go to each other to talk about things they feel uncomfortable sharing with others (they’ve seen the absolute worst of each other afterall).  My unpopular opinion about this character I don’t... think I ahve one. Some ppl view my love for his as grating lol.  One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon. Medic spin off.

[mikaeena]

6.02!! everyone’s very violent

i love madness and psychological torture so i was real excited about this ep. it kinda delivered. mainly made me excited for more

so what is the toxin doing??

it causes hallucinations, and it makes you kill ppl you love. but why do ppl experience it the way they do? because obv murphy seems to be immune, while emori and bellamy are stabby, jackson and miller are scared of bugs, and clarke and echo are both barraged by insecurity

the only hallucinations we see are echo and clarke’s, and they act reasonably, considering. especially echo. maybe a better description of how clarke acts is not like she’s being possessed. we understand how her actions are being led by what she hears. meanwhile, what could emori be seeing?

and neither clarke nor echo seem interested in killing anyone else. clarke’s hallucination is classic stuff: everyone you love dies, you’re not a good guy, you can’t protect madi. the kind of thing alie!abby said. but also, very similar to what bellamy’s hallucination of jaha said to him in Day Trip. she still retains a pretty strong survival instinct, tho, and she never tries to hurt anyone else. 

anyway?..  .. ... .

you lost, john emori says triumphantly (what he didn’t lose was my personal mvp of episode contest. that’s right, murphy. love you!!) murphy’s someone she loves, and the one who opens her up to the love and acceptance she finds with spacekru. with the toxin in her brain she sees him as undermining her. she becomes more like she was when they met: distrustful, sure that there is weakness in other people. he is the source of that weakness.

and bellamy?? he says how many times have you tried to kill me? and then this time, you die to clarke. what does it meaaaannnn? is this about the fighting pits, and maybe being sent to mount weather? especially interesting because when i heard this, i thought: clarke was dead to you, for six years! what dooooeeees it mean. he also says smth about saving ppl. Very on brand.

bellamy and clarke just rlly need to get some canon action this season.

Jackson’s got complicated feelings about insects. I can relate.

other things:

niylah and octavia are interesting. does anyone remember the last we saw of them? (yes i’m still avoiding that s5 rewatch) niylah said that explaining bloodreina was like describing the sun to someone who’s never seen it. so she was someone with real faith and loyalty, but we haven’t seen her grapple with guilt, like miller or abby. and she cares about octavia. when o’s being attacked, she yells at abby you’re giving her what she wants. which is emotionally intelligent, as she always is. she understands octavia as a person, but also (at some point) revered her as a leader. what does she see in her now? it reminds me of 4x11, her cuddle session with clarke. 

she calls clarke out about locking out the grounders: i guess we weren’t all your ppl after all. and then she says get in this bunk and listens to clarke justify herself and nuzzles her neck in response. that always struck me as a bit odd. what does it say about niylah’s personality? i honestly don’t know. maybe a bit too much empathy for ppl in power? or even just a sense of who to cozy up to? i’ve always thought she reminded me of like...a morally grey king’s sharp but accommodating mistress. 

i knew they’d get diyoza out of cryo right quick. i love my wife. 

the eligius III ppl have bushes shaped like the poop emoji. i could pretend my sis said that, but no. it was me. 

blonde girl who quotes nietzsche and her dad are parallels to the griffins but also. sooo annoying. sorry but saying you became an astronomer to ‘prove god doesn’t exist’ is not valid.

guess i’m waiting for 6x03 hahhaah aaa

maybe in further episodes we will experience this psychosis through someone who does try to kill someone they love. we can skip the one about bugs tho idk if i can handle that.

[macdvnald]

[ CHRISTIAN SERRATOS ] • [ SHE/HER ] | is that [ MARY MACDONALD ] , the [ NINETEEN ] year/s old [ GRYFFINDOR ] alumnus , walking down diagon alley ? I heard that the last time they had their fortune read, they drew the [ HIEROPHANT REVERSED ] , which seems [ UNLUCKY ] . hopefully they won’t come to any harm, considering their recent choice to ally themselves with [ THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX ] . they’ll probably be fine - I know they’re [ PERSISTENT ] , though apparently they can also be [ RUTHLESS ] . what’s the worst that could happen ? | 

LINKS: stats, pinboard, playlist PARALLELS: johanna mason ( the hunger games ), jessica jones ( jessica jones ), raven reyes ( the 100 ), ellie ( the last of us ), rosa diaz ( brooklyn 99 ), nancy wheeler ( stranger things ), kat edison ( the bold type ), sarah manning ( orphan black ) HELLO and welcome to the mess that is this intro!! on the bottom are some plot ideas & besides that its a big old mess! but we love disorganisation! hit this up with a like if u want me to hit u up for plots and i sure as hell will <333

history

mary had a little lamb? WRONG. mary had a little calf. because she was born on a dairy farm in the highlands of scotland ( laugh at my joke pls i worked hard on it ). she was born third to two muggles – a scottish father and a mexican mother, who loved each other deeply – and would eventually become their middle child. she could have become overlooked, but mary never felt discounted at home: while her parents were very often busy with the cows, their love ran deep.

her youth consisted of this: running through fields of grass, attending a muggle elementary where people sang songs at her ( old macdonald had a farm and mary had a little lamb ), playing with the animals, building tree houses with her brothers and sister and playing football every spare moment she got. it was good and simple and wholesome.

of course, strange things happened, as they tend to with muggleborns: she’d explode her brother’s toy when she got angry, or let things fly around the room when she was laughing. when she found out she was a witch at age eleven, things fell in its place. and the macdonalds, while traditional catholics, accepted mary, which is the most important thing of it all. her parents were shocked, yes, but they squeezed her shoulder and promised to discover this all together.

which?? very much influenced mary greatly? because it went against a lot of things they – and she, too – believed in? this has allowed her to have a faith in people, and while she may be cynical and bitter at times, that faith is still there.

hogwarts was as chaotic as home, and mary settled in quite nicely. sorted into gryffindor ( she guessed it was for her rambunctious nature, but who knew ), she found herself a second home and loved it. as it turned out, she was rather good with a wand as well – she didn’t do so good at essays, though – and genuinely liked learning ( except for history of magic. fuck that. ).

being a muggleborn had its downsides, of course, but mary never really allowed herself to feel discouraged. hurt? yes, definitely, but never discouraged. she wasn’t going to let it get to her, she told herself, but it did, especially when the harsh words turned into something more. it was during her confrontation with mulciber that mary felt true, harsh fear for the first time. she felt shut down, paralysed, depressed —– but then, after a while, she got up and took some important steps. she reported mulciber, which led to nothing, which caused her to feel angry, which in turn caused her to feel determination. if the system wasn’t going to be on her side, she’d just have to fucking change it, right? mary started throwing herself in her schoolwork, determined to join the dmle – hopefully as an auror, but any position would do. she suppressed her fear and the trauma that was there, and kept her chin up.

the entire mulciber situation is up for change, should we get a mulciber, or if it doesn’t correspondent with the plot/rp canon! 

graduation rolled around and mary got the five required NEWTs to even apply. it was a nervewracking process, but once she got into auror training, she cried. like. for a year. she was so proud of herself and she felt so determined and !! man. it was such a good, defining moment. around the same time, mary joined the order; she knew the ministry was corrupt, and that it’d not allow her to do everything she wanted to, when the order DID. mary had too much anger, too much determination to fight this bullshit to just stick with the ministry, and so the order seemed like the right place.

right now, she’s fighting. she’s gritting her teeth and keeping her goals in the back in her mind and is focusing. and she does not always feel brave or confident or self assured, but that does not matter: mary macdonald always gets the fuck back up, and that’s what she will keep doing until she’s completely knocked down.

personality & tidbits

mary is a human espresso. she’s so. damn. bitter?? despite the fact that she keeps on going and that she’s fighting her ass off, she’s tired and angry that things don’t seem to be moving in the right direction, she’s feeling bitter about the fact that this kind of discrimination is happening right in front of her eyes and that she does not have enough power to stop it. she feels powerless, which makes her feel bitter, which makes her cynical.

still! mary is not necessarily a debbie downer to be around. she keeps her bitterness ( and hopelessness, even ) carefully hidden in boxes in her mind. on the outside, she’s filled with quips and smiles and quick comments! just a sociable bean, but just a bitter one.

is a dog person and will fight anyone who prefers cats. has a cairn terrier called bowie. she loves him more than anyone.

obsessed with tea, tbh. her ma always said that ���there’s nothing a cuppa can’t fix’ and mary definitely agrees with this statement.

though is also a ‘whiskey in a teacup’ kinda gal

can be spotted wearing either a rly nice ass blazer or a jean jacket, no inbetween. either office-fancy or farmer-chique

fucking loves muggle culture and loves fellow muggleborns and !!!!!! she loves it!!!

very much in a take-no-prisoners mindset at this point re: death eaters. it kind of scares her, tbh, but mary is very much capable of murdering a death eater, even if she could stun them — she’s just done. she’s very. done. with them. and this whole shbang? will only feed into this.

mary is ruthless, that’s what it boils down to. she’s a lot more than that, of course, but i chose that trait for her app because she is --- in small things ( football matches & boardgames ) but also in bigger ones, and of course the war is the main way it shows. mary is so angry. she’s so angry and scared and tired of feeling that way and tired of being scared to lose people and herself and of death and she’s so angry that people really are this way and that they really do these things --- she wants it to stop. she wants the world to be right. and sometimes she thinks the ends do justify the means. 

this is why she’s chaotic neutral and not chaotic good.

like ive had her turned to dark arts before just bc she’s so desperate to. fucking win.

and she’s also like --- mary doesnt care if she ruins herself? if she becomes a bad person who’s unable to live with the shit she’s done? as long as the world is better for it, as long as kids can go to hogwarts and feel safe and the world is a safe place for everyone. what does her soul matter in the grand scheme of things? she’d burn in hell forever if it meant the rest of the world changed for the better.

emotionally driven mess of a being

is catholic but struggles a lot with religion and feeling faithful, but she does still identify is a catholic, it’s just? complicated. it’s rly complicated and she hates it.

is a bit flighty when it comes to romance, def has a lot of one night stands/fwb situations though??? she’s just like??? i dont have time for romance its a WAR

has been trying to stop smoking for five years, but alas

mary also works part time at quality quidditch supplies because the girl loves quidditch ---- though not as much as she loves football.

a proud scot. probably lives in scotland, but i’m ... going to keep her living situaiton open and segue into Wanted Plots!

plot ideas

roomies ----- so mary is not Earning A Whole Lot Right Now but does not want to live at home any more because 1. its in the middle of nowhere and 2. most importantly, she’s afraid of endangering her family. she needs roomies! i’d love for her to live in glasgow/edinburgh/london/idk a city!!!

hook ups/fwb’s/etc ----- mary is what the old ppl call promiscuous and she sleeps around. so ! let’s talk! former hook ups! booty calls! friends with benefits! etc etc etc! 

party pals ---- mary likes going to pubs and clubs in the muggle part of town bc it is a LIT way to escape the reality of the wizarding world and also, muggle clubs have better music. come party w her!!!!

in the dragon’s den together ---- fellow ministry employees who side eye the ministry and whom mary can sip tea and judge their colleagues with

mudbloods club ---- mary loves her fellow muggleborns and i would love some muggleborn friends that she can be buds with. ranting about dumb pureblood names and traditions and the fact that wizards dont have movies

general friendship ideas ---- im just going to a bunch of ideas here: hogwarts friends, ride or dies, order pals, friendly exes, fellow tea drinkers that she can go on coffee/tea dates with, friends who are growing apart bc of the war (my fave), etc.

etc ---- some other ideas i want to spitball: purists who h8 on mary’s life, fellow diagon alley employees, fellow order members, Annoyances, there is solidarity in being scottish, ministry connections, etc etc etc HIT ME UP

[leaveharmony]

So, in the issue of もえプロ about Shinsuke which Rachel, who as you know is the actual best, found for me in Japan, there’s a section for 100 questions & answers with the man himself.  As I was gonna be translating it anyway (as best I can with limited skill), I thought I may as well post the results.  The format will be Q // translation of Q followed by A // translation of A, with my notes in brackets with two asterisks  (**).  This will crop up when I have something to add or I’m a little shaky on the meaning or if the meaning tooootally escapes me...  As w/ the questionnaires in “Be,” any tips on bits I’m clearly stuck on from native speakers or ppl with more advanced study under their belts than I have would be appreciated lol.

1. プロレスラーなろうと思ったのはいつ？ // When did you decide to become a pro wrestler? 中学生  //  (as a) Middle school student

2. 一日の練習量は？ //  How much do you practice daily?

その日によります。//  It depends on the day.

3. 柔軟方法は？ //   (I think this is asking him how he stays flexible?)

戻すときに息を吐く。 //   (I’m not sure what he says here but it’s something about breathing / exhaling, like ‘it comes back to me when I exhale’)

4. 試合前にするジンクスはある？ // (** I think, are there ‘jinxes’ you do before a match? as in like...does he put the whammy on an opponent beforehand lol)

あるけど、 教えません。 //  There are, but I won't tell.

5. 今まででいちばん苦しかった試合は？ // So far, what was the most painful match?

覚えてないです。 // I don't remember.

6. 人生で初めて買ったプロレスに関するものは？ // What was the first pro-wresting (related) thing you bought in your life?

プロレスの本。。。小説だったと思います。 //  A pro-wrestling book...a novel/short story, I think.

7. プロレスにやっていてよかったと思う瞬間はどんなとき？ //  (** nother guess, but, I think they're asking about moments when he think it's good he's doing pro wrestling?)

違う世界を見られたとき。 // (** Times when he sees a 'different world'?)

8. ファンからの声援は聞こえる？ // Can you hear the cheers from the fans?

聞こうとすれば聞こえます。// (**auto-translator spits this out as ‘If I hear it I hear it’ but I dunno how accurate that is...it sounds a bit indifferent lol)

9. 寮生時代の得意料理は？ // (** I'm pretty sure they're asking him here what his specialty was when he was in charge of making the food at the dojo/dorm during his early days - young lions do the cooking and cleaning, etc.)

ちゃんこ // Chanko (**chanko is a very protein-heavy stew made in large quantities, traditional in sumo stables and, as it happens, pro wrestling dojos lol)

10. ファンにもらってうれしかったものは？// What are you happy to receive from your fans?

何でもありがたいです。// I'm grateful for anything/everything.  (**I would be remiss if I didn’t include this link tbh.  Any excuse.  lol.)

11. 巡業の移動中、 バスの中でしていることは？ // When traveling on provincial tours, what do you do on the bus?

雑誌や本を読んだり、 タブレットいじってます。  あんまり寝てないです。 // I read magazines, mess around with (my) tablet.  I don't sleep much.

12. 巡業に必ず持っていくものは？ // What do you always bring on tours?

お財布、 ケータイ、 試合道具 // Wallet, mobile (phone), ‘match tools’ (his gear/etc).

13. 幼い頃に憧れていた選手は？ //  As a young child, what player (wrestler) did you admire/were you attracted by?  

プロレスに憧れてました。// I admired/was attracted by pro wrestling. (** as in, all of it and not necessarily any one person)

14. コスチュームやポーズはどうやって生まれる？ // How do you come up with costumes and poses? (** technically they're literally asking how his costumes & poses are ‘born’)

自然とです。 //  Naturally/spontaneously.

15. 今いちばん闘いたい選手は？ // Who do you want to fight most now?

ダニエル・ブライアン // Daniel Bryan (** this magazine was published in 2015, so, prior to his official retirement)

16. 試合をしてみたかった伝説の選手は？ // What legendary (wrestler) did you want to (fight)?

アンドレ・ザ・ジャイアント // André the Giant

17. ライバルは誰ですか？ // Who's your rival?

人と比べないから。。。わかりません。 // Because I don't compare myself (to others)....I don't know.  (** you're a rotten liar and Tana is RIGHT THERE, sensei!)

18. CHAOSで好きな選手は？ // Who in CHAOS do you like? (**this is a fast and loose translation but that's what they mean lol)

みんな好きよ。// I like everyone.

19. CHAOSメンバーと飲むことはある？ // Do you go drinking with any CHAOS members?

ありますよ。 いちばん多いのはYOSHI-HASHIです。// Yes I do.  Most frequently, YOSHI-HASHI.

20. CHAOSメンバーを家族になとえると？ // (** they're asking if CHAOS were a traditional family who would fill what role)

お父さんは邪道さん、 お母さんが外道さん、 長男は矢野さん、 オレは腹違い // Jado is mother, Gedo is father, Yano is the eldest son, I'm a son from a different mother (**autotranslate spat out “I'm a mistake” and it took me a while to stop laughing about it)

21. YOSHI-HASHI選手の体が最近引き締まったような気がしますが、 どう思いますか？ // I feel like YOSHI-HASHI's body has recently become more toned, what do you think?

目の錯覚です。 // It's an optical illusion.

22. これまででいちばん痛かった技は？ // What technique (move) hurt the most?

若手の頃に受けたスコット・ノートンのチョップ // When I was young I was chopped by Scoot Norton.

23. 棚橋弘至選手との対戦でいちばん印象的なのはどの試合？ // Which was the most impressive match with Hiroshi Tanahashi?

ハイフライフローをグーパンチで迎撃した。。。。両国国技館でやった試合です。 (** his answer is basically ‘the one where I punched him out of the air when he was doing a High-Fly Flow...the match was at Ryogoku Kokugikan.’  He obviously doesn't remember which match it was and amazingly, neither do I, offhand)

24. どうしてそんなにアーティステイックに、 カッコ良く楽しそうに、 プロレスをしているの？ //  Why are you so artistic, cool and happy when you're doing pro wrestling?

たった一度の人生だから！ Because we only have one life!  (**YOLO to you too, sensei)

25. プロレスラーとしての職業病はありますか？ // Are there occupational diseases for pro wrestlers?

刺激を求めすぎる。 //  To seek out/want too much stimulation/excitement.

26. 海外に行くと新日本プロレスの選手でいちばん人気だそうですが、 それを受けてどう思いますか？ //  When NJPW wrestlers go overseas, you seem to be the most popular, how do you feel about receiving (that kind of adulation)?

良かったって感じ。 // It's a good feeling.

27. リング上でいちばん恥ずかしかった経験は？ // (**they're asking about the most embarrassing experience he's had in the ring but I'm not sure if they're specifically asking if it was his most embarrassing, or just something he witnessed)

矢野通の投げた木槌が自分の頭に当たったとき。// The time Yano threw a wooden hammer and it (**either hit Shinsuke in the head, or hit Yano in the head...I'm not sure!  自分の頭 could be ‘my own head’ or ‘his own head.’  Either way I'm not surprised it involved Yano and a little proud that it didn't involve Tacos...)

28. 黒いタイツと赤いタイツのどっちを穿くかどうやって決めますか？  // How do you decide between wearing the black tights or the red?

順番です。// There's an order.

29. 使わなくなったコスチュームはどうしてる？// What about the costumes you don't wear anymore?

全部保管してあります。  人にあげたりはしません。 // I keep them all.  I won't give them to anyone else.

30. コスチュームのこだわりは？ // (** ok they're...asking about his costumes but it could be like...his fixation or pickiness or criticism? about them)

パターンとか切り返しでデザイン性を出すようにしています。// (**Yeah I'm not sure about this at all. '切り返し' is a sumo move called a twisting backward knee trip so he might be talking about freedom of movement but other than something about pattern and design I have no idea)

31. 若手時代にいちばん恐かった先輩は？ // When you were a young lion, who was the scariest senpai?

寮長の矢野通 // Dorm leader Yano Toru

32. プロレスの師匠は？ // (who is the) master of pro wrestling?

いろんな方 // Various people

33. 新しい技の開発予定はありますか？ // Do you have plans to develop new techniques (moves)?

急に生まれます。 // They are suddenly/unexpectedly born.

34. いちばん期待している後輩は？ // Which kouhai (jr. at work, just...someone coming up behind him, younger) do you expect the most from?

オカダかな。// I guess Okada.

35. 自分の試合は見ますか？ // Do you watch your own matches?

見るときもあれば見ないときまります。 // (**this boils down to sometimes, I think....the specifics escape me)

36. 最近、 いちばん美しいと感じたものは？ // Recently, what's the most beautiful thing?

海 // the sea

37. お気に入りのアパレルブランドは？ // Favourite clothing brand?

いろいろ // Various.

38. お気に入りの飲食店は？// Favourite restaurant?

コーヒーの美味しいところ。 // Place(s) with delicious coffee.

39. 何フェチ？ // (** this again...lol....at absolute face value they're asking what his fetish is but it could also be passion/enthusiasm, which seems more likely)

いろいろ // Various

40. 好きなアーティストは？ // Favourite artist(s)?

絞れません。 // I can't narrow it (down).

41. 肉体的・精神的 にくじけそうになったときの回復方法は何ですか？ // How do you recover when you feel physically and spiritually/emotionally drained?

忘れること // (I) forget about things

42. レスラーの皆さんは食事量が半端ないイメージですが、 中邑さんの食事量はどのくらいですか？ // All wrestlers have an image of eating an impressive amount, how much do you eat?

普通です。// A normal amount

43. 夜寝る前に必ずすることは？ // What do you always do before you go to sleep at night?

歯磨き // Brush my teeth

44. どんなクルマに乗っていますか？ (**this seems to be asking what kind of car he prefers to like...ride in...rather than drive?)

窮屈なクルマは好きじゃないです。 I don't like narrow/tight cars.

45. プロ野球はどこのファン？  (**....this is asking...to what extent he's a baseball fan?  I think?  Which he wasn't at all as a child, he hated baseball but his dad was fanatical about it)

野村克也さんが監督されてたときはちょっと気になってましたが、 あんまり見ません。(** to the best of my ability, he's saying he had a bit of feeling for it when Katsuya Nomura was a coach but doesn't watch much otherwise)

46. 今、 プライベートで行きたい国は？ // Now, what country would you like to go to privately (**as in, not for work)

北欧、 アラスカ、 南米、 南極 // Northern Europe, Alaska, South America, Antarctica

47. お気に入りの国は？// Your favourite country?

モロッコかな。// Morocco (**kana, I think, would mean ‘I wonder,’  or ‘I guess,’ so he's not sure but I guess that was the first thing that came to mind)

48. 京都弁はいつ使いますか？// When do you use Kyoto dialect? (** I didn't know there was such a thing!)

使いません。  実家では丹後弁です。// I don't use it.  My parent's house is in Tango province (**I guess whatever dialect that is its range doesn't extend that far?)

49. サーフィンを始めたきっかけは？ // When/how did you start surfing?

ブラジル人柔術家がコパカバーナでやってるのを見て。 // (** he says something about a person who does Brazilian Jujitsu in Copacabana...he's really led an interesting life, huh?  lol)

50. 初恋はいつ？ // When was your first love?

幼稚園 // Kindergarten

51. 好きな女性のタイプは？ // What type of women do you like?

いろいろですね。// Various types...

52. 苦手な女性のは？ // What (type of) women do you not like?

完璧主義者 // Perfectionists.

53. 女性がする好きな仕草は？ (** This came up in 'Be' as well...it seems to be like, ‘what're your favourite way for a woman to act/behave/gesture’)

女性らしければ。。。。何でも。 (**this is even more confusing but he could be saying  ‘If it's feminine...anything’ or just ‘if it's a woman, anything,’ I'm just not sure)

54. 今いちばんハマっていることは？ //  What are you most caught up by/addicted to right now?

サーフィン // Surfing

55. カラオケで必ず歌う曲は？ //  What song do you always sing at karaoke?

尾崎豊の「ダンスホール」 // “Dance Hall” by Yutaka Ozaki

56. お姉さんからは何と呼ばれていますか？ // What do your (older) sister(s) call you?

真ちゃん // Shin-chan

57. スマホカバーは？ // Is there a cover on your smartphone?

落としても大丈夫なやつ // It's safe to drop it

58. 好きなお酒は？ // Favourite alcohol?

赤ワイン // Red wine

59. ファッションのこだわりは？ // Are you obsessed with fashion?

自分の中の流行優先です。 // (** I think he's saying he has his own fashion preferences)

60. 美術部時代の代表作は？ // What was the most important work/masterpiece of your art club days?

アクリルで描いた三十三間堂の絵。  たぶんモノはないと思います。 // Acrylic paintings of Sanjusangen-do (**a Buddhist temple in Kyoto).  Perhaps there isn't (one definitive work), I think.

61. 酔っ払うとどうなりますか？ // What happens when you get drunk?

寝ます。// I fall asleep.

62. 試合のない日の服装は？// What do you wear on a day without a match?

Tシャツ、 短パン、 草履 // T-shirt, shorts, sandals. (**this is crocs erasure, sensei)

63. 叶えたい夢は？ // What's your dream?

南の島で暮らしたい。 // I want to live on a southern island.

64. ほかのスポーツでやってみたいものは？ // What other sports would you like to do?

スケボー。  前にやってたんですけど、 ちゃんと教わってみたいです。 // Skateboarding.  I've done it before but, I'd like to learn a bit more properly.

65. 着信音は？ // (what's your) Ringtone?

設定は変えてません。 // I haven't changed the default setting.

66. 苦手な人タイプは？ // What type of people are do you dislike? (**what type aren't good)

すぐに怒る人 // People who're quick to anger / lose their temper quickly.

67. 苦手なものは？// (** I think, based on his answer, they're asking him what he doesn't like eating...though it's literally more like “What stuff is bad?”

カエル、 うなぎ、 干し椎茸を戻したヤツはちょっと。。。。生椎茸はOKです。// Frog(s), eel(s), (**...something about a guy who returned dry shiitake mushrooms???  But he says that raw shiitake mushrooms are ok...)

68. 最近増えてきたプロレス女子についてどう思う？ (**I'm not certain...this is either asking him about how he feels/what he thinks about the increase in joshi puroresu - women's wrestling...as in about more promotions/wrestlers?  or like, about more women liking wrestling?  I always thought that joshi puroresu was written in reverse order but maybe it's not set in stone and that is what they mean)

いいと思います。  人生を謳歌してるじゃないですか。 //  I think it's good.  They're enjoying their lives, aren't they?  (**assuming he's referring to the women being...hypothetically referred to lol)

69. 視力は？ //  (how's) your eyesight?

両目とも2。0くらい //  It's about 2.0 in both eyes (**I think this essentially means 20/20)

70. 握力は？ // (what's your) grip strength?

計ったことありません。 //  I've never measured it.

71. 肺活量？ //  Lung capacity? (**(I think)

計ったことありません。  数値に興味がないので。// I've never measured it.  I'm not interested in numbers/numerical values.

72. ヒゲ何mmですか？  // How long/what length is your beard?

3mm

73. サーフボードはどのくらい持っていますか？  // How many surfboards do you have?

5本  // 5

74. 得意料理は？ // What's your cuisine specialty (** special dish?  One he's best at making presumably, now vs. his days in charge of the chanko)

アヒージョとか // Things like dried fish in garlic oil

75. 好きなスナックのポイントは？ // (** this....seems to be them asking him something about what snacks he likes...snack points??? but his answer is confusing in this context)

インテリアが昭和なこと // (** because it's like “The interior of the showa period” which is like an historical era both in Japanese history and also a sort of slang they use to refer to a certain period of NJPW history, which, hoo boy did it take me a while to work that out in his book.  Though plugging it into a google image search does bring up some kinda like...packaged fried shrimp or something so maybe it's a brand?)

76. 京都の峰山に行ったらここに行くべきというオススメの場所はどこですか？ // Where would you recommend (people) go when in the Mineyama area of Kyoto? (** where Shinsuke grew up)

日本海 // Sea of Japan

77. 体形維持のために気をつけていることは？ // How do you maintain your figure?

夜いっぱい食べたら朝少ししか食べない。 // If I eat a lot at night I only eat a little the next morning.

78. メガネは持ってますか？ // Do you have glasses?

失くしたまま作ってません。 // (** he says something about losing them...but I'm not sure what.  失 is an alternate for 無 in 無くす, to lose / get rid of.  作る has a lot of meanings and none of them make this any clearer.  He does have glasses, I've only seen him wear them once in a while though)

79. 海に入るのはどれくらいですか？ // (** they're asking him when he goes into the sea how long he stays)

2時間くらい //  Around 2 hours

80. 今、 プロレス以外にやってみたい格闘技は？ // Now, other than pro wrestling, what martial arts do you want to do?

テコンドー // Taekwondo

81. バスケ部時代のポジションは // When you were on the basketball team your position was?

ポイントガードとセンター //  Point guard and center.

82. バスケ部経験者として「SLAM DUNK」でいちばん好きなキャラクターは？ // As someone experienced (in being on a basketball team), who's your favourite character in SLAM DUNK? (** it's a manga lol)

三井寿 // (**I have like...no experience with either basketball or SLAM DUNK but I think he names ‘Hisashi Mitsui’)

83. クルマの運転得意ですか？ // Are you a good driver?

過信はしてません。  好きです。 //  I don't overestimate my ability.  I like it.

84. 初めて買ったクルマは何ですか？ // What's the first car you bought?

ポルシェ911カレラ // (**I don't wanna question him here but...unless he only bought his first car fairly late in life I really really doubt that his first car was a like, $100,000+ Porsche 911 Carrera lol.  But hell, maybe he did!  Maybe it was.  What the hell do I know?)

85. どうしてそんなに速くサインが書けるのですか？ // How do you write an autograph so fast?自分のリズムで書いてるから。 // Because I'm writing to my own rhythm. (**he used to, obviously, sign his name in kanji rather than that swirly cursive thing he does now.  It looked like this:

...and it never occurred to me that writing names that way would take a while but now it’s pointed out, Tana takes quite a while writing out his in that one documentary....but I digress)

86. コーヒーはどうやって飲みますか？ // How do you drink your coffee? ストレート。  朝イチはミルク入れるかな。 // Straight.  If it's first thing in the morning I put milk in, I guess.

87. 好きなスイーツはありますか？ // Do you have a favourite sweet (candy, dessert)? ピーナッツバター //  Peanut butter

88. コレクションしているものはありますか？ // Do you have collections? 冷蔵庫につけるマグネット // Magnets for the fridge (**....cat butts?!)

89. 香水はつけますか？ // Do you wear perfume? (**cologne, they presumably mean, aftershave maybe) 今はつけません。// I don't wear it.

90. サイン��や握手会などのイベントでドキッとしたことは？ // What startled you during a meet and greet? 親戚の知り合いが来たとき。 // When my relatives & acquaintances come.

91. おふくろの味は？ // What's the food like mom used to make / the taste of home cooking? へしこ // Pickled fish in rice-bran paste (heshiko)

92. 最大の失くしものは？ // (**this is phrased kinda weird like "What thing is your biggest loss" but maybe it means what he loses most frequently, or a lot of?) 現金（笑）// Cash (lol)

93. Tシャツは何サイズ？ // What's your t-shirt size? LかXL // Large or extra large

94. 女性は年上と年下ではどちらが好み？ // Do you like older women or younger women? どっちも  //  Both/either 

95. 描いた絵はどこに保管していますか？ // Where do you store the paintings you've painted? 自宅の物置 // The storage room in my house

96. 洋服はどこで買いますか？ // Where do you buy your clothes? ツアー中に地方で。 // In places during tours.

97. 朝パンですか？  ごはんですか？ // (** they're asking about his breakfasts...lol.  Like if he has bread in the morning for some reason, or cooked rice) ごはんが多いかな。// Lots of rice, I guess.

98. 何歳まで現役を続けたいですか？ // How long do you want to keep actively working? わからない。 // I don't know.

99. 30歳を過ぎて変わった部分ありますか？  (** something about...if things have changed since he was 30?  If his role has changed?) これと言ってない。// (** 'I can't say this'?)

100. 好きな言葉は何ですか？ // What's your favourite word? 「自由」というものを表現に落とし込むようにはしてます。 // (** he says 'Freedom' but then goes on to add something about...trying to...express the concept or...apply it to expression or...some damn thing, I don't know.)