#which is very vague but I can't narrow it down beyond that because I start to feel like I'm gonna cry and it's making my head hurt
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WIP Weds, Last Loves (Sept 21)
Soon, Last Loves will no longer be a WIP. OMG I can't wait to be done.
Meanwhile, I hope folks are looking forward to this weekend, when @daswarschonkaputt and I are going to launch the KinnPorTay ship in STYLE.
I'm a bit shy about sharing large snippets before publishing, but I feel like y'all deserve a bit more because you've been SO encouraging. š So here's the opening section of Last Loves.
~~~
When Time finally leaves him for real, Tay stays in their high-rise condo for three days.Ā
He hates that he didnāt do the leaving himself. He waits for Time to come home, to talk, to figure out a compromise like theyāve always done. He knows heās waiting in vain.
He cooks his own meals, watches a drama heād been meaning to finish, and browses internet videos for promising singers, and meanwhile time slips away from him.Ā
After those first three zombie-like days of empty home (quite unusual) and empty bed (very normal), Tay goes out. At first he simply drives toward the ramen shop because itās Thursday, and he and Time always get ramen on Thursdays. But he drives beyond it. Then somehow heās driving to the outdoor shooting range his family owns, where he and Time used to have competitions while their parents chatted and watched. But he doesnāt stop. He keeps driving, heading to the arcade where they used to go as teenagers, where Tay confessed and Time gave him his first kiss.
Again he doesnāt stop, and this time he keeps driving, driving, driving, with no direction in mind. He drives until the cities fade into suburbs and pavement melts away into grass. The houses retreat farther and farther back from the narrow two-lane highway.Ā
Tay pulls off the road into a patch of rubble and stops the car. A farmhouse is in view a short ways back from the road.
He hears nothing.Ā
After a moment, he turns on the car again and rolls down the windows. A thin, hot breeze passes through the car, and he hears the sound of crickets and the occasional bird song.Ā
Heās been with Time for more than a decade. Heās loved him for longer. He hates Time for not loving him enough and hates himself for hating Time.Ā
Then the tears finally started coming, the tears that hadnāt surfaced for those three days of aloneness.Ā
He cries because happiness just seems so hard and impossible and far away.Ā
It takes an hour to get all the tears out. Itās just long enough for someone at the farmhouse to call for a patrol car, which comes by and parks behind Tayās blue Bentley. Tay just laughs to himself as the officer gets out of her vehicle and approaches. She takes a look at Tayās tear-stained face, another look at his license and registration, and apologizes for bothering him.Ā
Vaguely he thinks back to a scene at Kinnās home shooting range, when Time talked about Tayās dad getting him off for crashing his car.Ā
āYou guys are a bunch of assholes,ā the rude new bodyguard had said, disdain and insolence dripping off him.
Tay tries to argue the officer into giving him a ticket. She looks horrified. She insists on letting him go, saying heās obviously not causing trouble. Which, to be fair, he isnāt, but he still wants the ticket. When he realizes heās putting her in a tough position, he asks her for a verbal warning, and she humors him with pity in her eyes.Ā
The officer leaves.Ā
This time the tears alternate with laughter. Sometimes he laughs bitterly, sometimes hysterically, sometimes with snotty little giggles.Ā
When the tears dry up, Tay heads home.
He picks up fried chicken on the way.
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If youāre doing commentary for biohc then āarum is being ignored - Lord Arum may be perfectly content to ignore him in turn.ā (Also maybe a snapshot of rillas perspective in the last paragraph with arum? please?)
[Pick a short passage from any fanfic Iāve written and send it to me, and Iāll give you the equivalent of a DVD commentary on that snippet]
ohhhhhh fuck yes oh okay. (cw references to self harm)
[Arum is being ignored. Soundly and surely.
... Why?]
Arum hasn't had much cause to analyze anyone else's actions socially in quite a long time, and he wasn't particularly good at it way back when either, otherwise he might have caught on to this a bit sooner. Regardless, he doesn't trust it.
[If it is out of pity for what happened yesterday then Arum will-]
ahhhh, the main problem. Arum knows that his situation is pathetic, but he REFUSES to be pitied, especially for (what he considers) his absolutely shameful display the day before. He's so fucking embarrassed not only to have broken down like that, but to have done it in front of this pain in the ass. Arum still, in some small way, has a spark of his pride in him.
[(Nothing. Arum can do nothing. A thousand threats in his head and Arum cannot even hurt himself beyond superficially. Arum can do nothing.)]
he's SO angry and has ZERO ability to follow through on it. And he's far, far past the point of admitting it. Yes, he still has his pride, but he knows... he knows that he's beaten. He's biding his time, because that's the ONLY thing that he can do.
[Not that a knight would pity him. Discomfort is more likely.]
Pivot: he can't do anything about his anger, so set it aside. Discomfort from a knight makes him less angry, so it's easier to brush off.
[Well... fine, then. Fine. Ignoring Arum is much better than the last few obnoxious shifts together, isn't it? Arum wanted this miserable creature to shut his mouth and leave Arum be, and miracle of miracles, the rotten thing might actually obey.]
It is so fucking difficult to write around these two not knowing each other's names. Can't tell you how eager I am to get past that point. Also, you can very clearly see Arum talking himself into feeling this way, here.
[Nothing has obeyed Arum in... however long he has been here. Arum should find the change refreshing.]
I'm keeping it very deliberately vague, the ACTUAL amount of time that Arum's been captive. Mostly because there is literally NO way for Arum to know, considering that his prison is deep in the Citadel. He can't even tell day from night, let alone keep track of passing days.. months..... years. I think it's been... more than two years, less than five. I don't know if I'll narrow it down more than that.
[If-
That is, if Arum could find a way to focus on anything else besides the knight ignoring him in his rhythmic circle. He is so wretchedly distracting. Which-]
Alas, he started paying attention to Damien when he was expecting him to start bothering him again, so.... it's difficult to unpin that attention.
[Is strange, because Arum did not find any of his colleagues distracting in the interim. Perpetually ignorable, all the queen's knights and guards. Except- this one. Apparently.]
The difficulty with Damien thus far has been a breach in routine. The other knights may as well be parts of the scenery, for Arum. Damien has been too different to ignore, though. And now, even when he's ostensibly acting like all the others, he's done too much to differentiate himself, and it feels like a veneer. Which... to be fair.... it IS. It IS a veneer. Damien is playing at a lack of care and it is, very likely, driving Damien EXACTLY as crazy as it's driving Arum.
[That little pit of fury kindles brighter at the base of Arum's throat, refreshing heat against the dullness of his surroundings. Of course, even in silence this creature finds a way to torment Arum. Of course he does. He must know that Arum expects further stilted conversational attempts, further interrogation, further annoyance altogether, and instead of providing, he must be ignoring Arum deliberately, in an effort to force yet another outburst from the monster.]
Here, you can see Arum talking himself into something again. Or at least, he's taking a LONG mental walk to justify his instinctive reactions. He's ascribing malice to Damien's actions without any real evidence,
[Either that, or the knight is simply inconstant and unreliable and a menace to Arum's fragile peace of mind in that way, instead.]
This is far more accurate lmao. Damien, ironically, isn't really thinking about how his see-saw reactions might be affecting Arum. He's busy in his OWN head. working out how he feels about Arum's captivity. lololololol.
[Well, Arum thinks with a huff, the knight will certainly not be provoking Arum to any tirades today. If this particular knight wishes to ignore Lord Arum, late of the Swamp of Titan's Blooms, Lord Arum may be perfectly content to ignore him in turn.]
"late of the Swamp of Titan's Blooms" was a phrase that hurt my heart to write. Arum, in his own head, being darkly flippant about it... god..... poor thing.
AND. RILLA SCENE QUICK.. u said last paragraph with arum so i'm assuming you want when they're actually interacting before she bolts off,
[She grins again as she watches him do this, which Arum does not trust. She either does not notice or care about his suspicion, though,]
she cares inasmuch as she completely fucking understands why this monster would not trust her. Not so quickly, and not after everything he's clearly been through.
[because she only nods at him, winks,]
gods i love rilla. she's still in her Investigating What's Going On In Here phase but she STILL needs to really, REALLY cement her solidarity with this creature she barely knows.
[and whispers, "I'll be back sometime, okay? And maybe then you can tell me your name."]
this is like Arum thinking, earlier, about how WEIRD it is that Rilla assumes that Arum is sentient right off the bat. She assumes, without needing to be told, that Arum has a name. That she should call him something besides monster, or even swamp lord. And she's also promising him another chance at this, more "conversation" and more pages like the ones he clearly wanted to devour. Rilla is observant, and she saw him. She wants to figure out what the fuck is going on here, and that means she's coming back. ššš
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Ooh I can't wait for these! 11 for tanunatsu please??
#11 from this list:Ā āI almost lost youā kissĀ
Established relationship because I damn well said so
āWake up.ā
The plea tumbles from Kanameās lips and itās soft but it feels manic. His hands are shaking where they hover above Natsumeās chest; heās barely breathing and his pulse is thready but heās alive, heās alive heās alive heās aliveā
Kanameās afraid to touch, now; as much as every instinct is telling him to gather Natsume into his arms and never let go, he canāt tell if heās injured. He doesnāt look it, mostly he just looks cold; the pallor of his face under the clear brightness of a winter moon, lips gone blue, and actual patches of frost spangled across his damp pajamas. But heās so still, and thereās blackened blood under his nose, trailing halfway down his cheek on one side before it had dried, and Kaname thinks he might be sick.
āI need you to wake up.ā His voice splinters halfway through, and he takes Natsumeās face in his hands, so carefully. āPlease.ā And god, his skin is a temperature that skin should never ever be. His thumbs trace the dark divots below his eyes. He wants to grab his shoulders, shake him, yell and scream until he opens his eyes and calmly tells Kaname the blatant and oft-repeated lie that everything is just fine here.
He canāt see Ponta, heās not changed back to a visible form but he can feel the wall of warmth at his back. He turns towards that warmth, now, where he can make out a mass of translucent white right in front of his nose, and this close to it he can barely see the trees beyond.
āHe wonāt wake up,ā Kaname says, and it sounds so obvious, childish.
Then, a part of that white mass moves in close just beside his shoulder, where he would more or less imagine Pontaās head to be. A gust of air, warm and strong, passes over Kanameās hands and ruffles Natsumeās hair.
He doesnāt stir.
Kaname hears a faint sound, almost like a deep harrumph, before a white burst of smoke erupts around him. Then Ponta is there, a cat once more, just by Kanameās knee. āNo need to be so delicate,ā he says, testily. āYou wonāt break him. Heās just sleeping. Couldāve picked a better place to do it.ā
Kaname couldāve sobbed from relief. His hands shift down to Natsumeās shoulders. āWhat happened?ā
Ponta scoffs. āThat yuki-onna is what happened.ā
āWhereāā
āGone, now, Iād say. And good riddance. Oi,ā he adds, waddling up to the side of Natsumeās head and batting him on the nose. āDonāt nap here, moron. Letās go already.ā
Taking Pontaās lead, Kaname shakes Natsumeās shoulders himself; tentatively, at first, then much harder, because Pontaās right, he canāt stay out here any longer. But Natsumeās head just lolls back onto the underbrush, and Kaname bites the inside of his cheek. āCome on, come back,ā he says, loud as he can through the panic still threatening to snuff out his voice altogether. āYou can come sleep in my bed again, okay? Itās so cold out here.ā
When that garners no response, Pontaās eyes narrow. āThis is taking too long.ā Then, without warning and in a move that shouldāve been altogether impossible, he spins right around and launches a sharp kick right at Natsumeās face, with enough force behind it to knock his whole head to one side.
āDonātāā
But itās only then Natsumeās eyelids flutter.
āMnnā¦ow.ā
The noise that escapes Kanameās throat then is very much like a sob. He cradles Natsumeās face between his hands once more and leans in close, chest constricting. Natsumeās own eyes are half-mast and dull, an uncomprehending gaze drifting over his surroundings and right over Kaname, not focusing on any one thing. That is, until Ponta wriggles in between him and Kaname, putting himself nose-to-nose with Natsume and glaring.
āIdiot,ā he snaps. āThis is what you get for letting a snow demon possess you. Youāre damned lucky Tanuma woke up in time to see you were gone or youād have been long dead by morning.ā
Natsume doesnāt seem to really register a word of that, but his eyes become a little bit clearer at the sound of Pontaās biting tone. He squints a bit, frowns.
āSenseiā¦?ā And, after a moment, gaze shifting upwards, āā¦Tanuma?ā
Ponta ducks out of the way then, with a huff, and Kaname leans in close. āYeah.ā The single word feels like a burst of relief. āHi.ā
āHi,ā Natsume echoes, vaguely, giving Kaname a tiny smile.
After a moment, his forehead scrunches up, and beside him his fingers twitch in the dirt and shriveled leaves. āWhatāa-are we outside?ā
Kaname just nods, tightly, not at all having it in him to elaborate if Natsume doesnāt remember.
āOhā¦you���re crying.ā And that vagueness in his voice and eyes is quickly replacing itself with distress when he takes in Kanameās face.
Kaname just nods again, swallows hard; now is not the time for a breakdown, itās not, he can do that later when Natsume is warm and safe and not watching it happen.
āWell, of course he is,ā Ponta mutters. āA minute ago he thought he just found your corpse.ā
āā¦oh.ā The realization in his wide eyes shifts to something more like horror, then shame. āTanuma, Iām sorāā
But the words are lost because Kanameās kissing him, then. Itās a fierce, desperate thing, faces mashed together, his fingers curling in Natsumeās hair like heāll evaporate into the January night if Kaname canāt hold him tight enough, every muscle in his own body rigid with residual terror.
Natsume remains motionless beneath him, cold mouth perfectly still. It feels as though heās holding his breath.
But itās just enough like kissing some lifeless thing, that that thought alone is enough to send him reeling back.
When he looks down, though, Natsumeās just watching him, eyes clear and soft and very, very worried.
Kaname blows out a long breath before he can trust himself to speak. āYour lips are freezing,ā he says, with a little chuckle that doesnāt at all sound right. āAnd god, thereās ice in your hairā¦ā His fingers comb back Natsumeās fringe.
āIām okay,ā Natsume starts, and Ponta promptly snorts. āAh. I mean,ā he amends, softly, āI donāt feel cold. Justā¦sleepy, kind of.ā
āNo sleeping.ā The words come out louder than heād meant them to, sharp and frightened. āNot until we get you back and warmed up,ā he adds, forcing a calmer tone. He bends down, quickly presses his lips to the frigid skin of Natsumeās forehead, then shrugs off his jacket to drape across Natsumeās chest.
When he looks again, some of the trepidation has bled out of Natsumeās eyes, replaced with something a little warmer, drowsier. Trusting.
Kaname cups his cheek, tries to ignore the tremble in his fingers. āLetās go home.ā
***
Natsumeās recollection of the incident, of how heād ended up half frozen in the forest, comes back to him soon enough. Kaname makes him tell it, in order to keep him awake while heās getting him into the tub to thaw him out.
The yuki-onna had come to him initially just a few days prior, just as school was ending and the New Yearās break began. She was lost, and very weak, and Ponta had dispassionately noted how odd it was for her to have not vanished altogether. Sheād strayed so far south of the more common haunts of yuki-onna, where the winters were so mild and snow so rare. Natsume never found out why sheād come, she claimed to not quite recall, but she hadnāt come alone; her sister had been by her side. But the two had become separated, apparently, on a windy night. Sheād been frantic, her sister was hardly stronger than she was, but sheād heard tell from a few of the local youkai that if she were in trouble, she ought to seek out Natsume-sama for help. Ponta hadnāt been especially fond of the idea, given the particular penchant of her whole kind for killing off humans in creative ways, and skeptical about the gaps in her memoryāwhich needless to say had left Kaname nice and anxious, as well as Taki when sheād heard. But Ponta had conceded that she was clearly frail, just on the brink of fading away entirely if she couldnāt find someone or something to possess, and he genuinely hadnāt believed that she could do Natsume any real physical harm by simply hitching a ride in his body until her sister was found. She wouldnāt dare, when endangering him would be endangering herself.
And that had seemed to be the truth, at first. The New Yearās season had always necessitated a lot of travel for Dad, and with Natsume having planned to stay over most of the nights that Dad would be away, Kaname had had plenty of time to observe him, to make sure he was as fine as he claimed to be. But heād looked to be perfectly well, not even a bit pale or fatigued or any of the general red flags Kaname had come to associate with youkai involvement. If anything, he was livelier and better-rested now that school was out and he was free to spend his days doing nothing of consequence, though he had confided that he was worried for the yuki-onnaāhe could barely sense her presence, heād said, and most of the time she seemed to be asleep anyhow. Which was going to make tracking down her sister a tall order, if she couldnāt stay awake long enough to help at all, to tell them what they should even be looking for.
Up until tonight, of course. Kaname supposes in retrospect that he shouldāve realized something was off when theyād settled in for bed, when heād pulled Natsume close against his chest and frowned, realizing just how cool his skin felt all over. But Natsume waved it off when he asked, seeming for all the world to be perfectly content and sleepy, merely yawning and burrowing his face deeper against Kanameās pajama shirt as Kaname tugged an extra blanket over them both.
When Kaname started awake, hours later, it was to a freezing room, an open window and an empty bed. And Ponta, clearly just arrived back from an evening of New Yearās revelry, asking just where the hell Natsume had gotten off to.
None of them are completely sure what changed, the coming-together of factors that finally allowed the yuki-onna to awaken, and to carry Natsumeās body away so deep into the forest that when he finally regained his senses he couldnāt find his way back again. Pontaās best guess was that it was simply a matter of the temperature dropping in the night, enough for the ground to properly freeze for the first time in weeks. Enough to rouse the missing sister, to draw her out of wherever she had secluded herself to preserve her own strength, to start her back on her own search. And, as Natsume understood it from his own hazy recollection, sheād passed close enough by Kanameās house in this search that her sister had sensed it, mustered what bit of energy sheād regained from resting within Natsume, and managed to well and truly take him over, enough to leave the house and give chase. The sister had fled, not realizing the possession and fearing that she was being pursued by an exorcist, until her limited strength failed her and Natsumeās body had caught up.
It was a happy ending, for the two of them, as far as Natsume knew, though admittedly theyād said little more to him than their thanks before vanishing into the night together. And in doing so, had left Natsume stranded and barefoot in his pajamas, in an unfamiliar part of the forest.
And to be fair, they wouldnāt necessarily have had any reason to know he was unfamiliar with it, or that he couldnāt just go back the way he cameāafter all, when theyād found him he hadnāt been that far away, he could only have gotten so far on foot. But Kaname doesnāt feel quite so forgiving on the matter, especially when Natsume told what happened next.
Because heād scarcely begun to realize just how lost he was when heād become drowsy, and dizzy. Not cold, heād said; not really, and in no discernible pain, but after a few minutes heād ended up on his hands and knees in the underbrush, his head reeling. And the next thing heād known, Ponta was kicking him in the face.
At the very least, Kaname supposes heās grateful that Natsume truly didnāt seem to feel the cold. Not until halfway through his bath, anyways, when the shivering set in, but by then he was well on his way to being a normal human temperature once more. And thatās the other thing Kaname canāt quite forgive, that both yuki-onna had been so apparently blind to the fact that theyād nearly frozen him to death. Natsume for his part genuinely hadnāt noticed; heād been surprised when Kaname pointed out the ice on his clothes and in his hair. And, as Ponta had (reasonably) pointed out, yuki-onna in general were not known for any dealings with a human that a human ever walked away from, so it was likely they had no idea the kind of unintentional damage theyād inflicted. But regardless, if Ponta had found him any later than he had, it unquestionably wouldāve been too late.
Heās back in bed, now, bath finished, swaddled up in every extra blanket that Kaname could find. He had been very reluctant to leave the room even for the two or so minutes it took to locate said blankets, the fact that Ponta was literally sitting perched on top of Natsumeās chest when heād left (and sending Kaname off with a longsuffering ājust go already, I wonāt let him wander off againā) notwithstanding. He had tried not to visibly rush back to the bed when he returned, but the panic mustāve been a little too obvious in his eyes, because Natsume immediately tried to prop himself up on his elbows, giving him a smile that was surely meant to be reassuring but far too weary around the edges to be so. Kaname had just laid him back down, wordlessly, with a quick kiss to the forehead before he began situating the blankets. Ponta had given up his spot on Natsumeās chest in favor of settling down instead near his thigh.
āOkay,ā he says, once heās finished fussing with the bedding. āHow cold are you?ā Which might be an idiotic question, if Kanameās lips on his skin just now were anything to go by, the answer is still very. But heās learned by now, when asking after Natsumeās wellbeing, to phrase it so as not to allow him the out of merely saying heās fine when he obviously isnāt, otherwise heād be claiming he was just fine up to his dying breath.
And to Natsumeās credit, he does try to be more honest about it, nowadays, to Kaname, to their friends and to the Fujiwaras, though itās so visibly difficult for him to try to relearn every instinct he has just to let on that heās unwell.
āIāmā¦itās not so bad anymore.ā His voice is a little muffled; heās buried up to the nose in soft fleece. āI donāt want to move, though.ā
āYou shouldnāt be moving around so much anyways, with your feet in that state,ā Kaname says, mouth twisting. Natsume hadnāt really been aware of it until theyād gotten back, but taking off through the woods at top speed had torn up his skin pretty thoroughly, cuts and scratches up to the ankle that had bled in the bathwater, and the nail on one foot had been ripped clean off. Kaname had done what he could with a first aid kit, Natsumeās blood on his fingertips enough to set his stomach churning but knowing his aversion to hospital trips.
āAre you gonna just carry me everywhere, then?ā Natsumeās voice is soft and sleepy.
āIf you need me to,ā he says, his returning smile sitting brittle on his lips, sliding his fingers through Natsumeās still-damp hair and wondering if he dried it well enough. āBut itād be better for you to just stay in bed.ā
Natsume blinks up at him; he canāt seem to keep his eyes open all the way. āYou knowā¦Iām sorry about the circumstances, but it is pretty fun when you carry me.ā An honest-to-god delirious giggle, then. āYouāre strong.ā
āIām not that strong.ā An easy counter. āYouāre not that heavy.ā He pauses, realizing heād been hovering in an awkward half-crouch beside the bed thatās making his thighs ache, and sits on the edge of the mattress. Ponta shoots him a brief exasperated look, make up your mind already. āDo your feet hurt a lot? I can find you medicine if itād help you sleep.ā
āMmā¦no, theyāll be alrightā¦ā he frowns a little, and Kaname feels a movement by his hip, and realizes that Natsumeās trying to work his hand free of the many blankets tucked tight around him. Kaname tugs them loose, only to have pale fingers catch his sleeve.
āDonāt you want to lie down?ā
No, Kaname thinks, and if he wasnāt sitting heās pretty sure heād be pacing. But thereās a quiet apprehension in Natsumeās words, so Kaname gives a constrained nod instead. āLet me just get the lights.ā
It doesnāt actually help his nerves any, lying in the exact same position theyād fallen asleep in earlier that night; the chilly tip of Natsumeās nose brushing against his breastbone and Kanameās arm draped over his shoulders. When the occasional shiver comes, he rubs Natsumeās back, and Kaname does appreciate that much, it means he can feel him breathing better. Natsume always seems to migrate into this same position; it means heās comfortable and Kanameās glad for that but he certainly canāt say the same. Even Ponta keeping a lookout only helps so much with that; every muscle and nerve in him feels like a taut rubber band twisted over and over on itself, acid churning in an empty stomach. He starts at every little sound, every slight creak of the aging house settling around them. Thereās no real noise from outside; the night is still, no wind, no forest creatures making any sound this deep into the winter. Objectively that silence should be better; but itās not, really, it just feels all the more ominous. Kanameās wound so tightly, ears pricked for every sound, that all it takes is for Ponta to speak out of the blue to startle him so badly that it wakes Natsume back up.
āCalm down, brat.ā He pokes at Kanameās ankle with a single paw. āI was just going to say itās actually safe for you to go to sleep, hard as that is for you to believe, apparently.ā
āI know,ā Kaname murmurs, watching Natsumeās forehead scrunch up as his awareness returns. āSorry. Iām trying.ā
āAre you, though?ā Ponta drawls, and Kaname sends a tired glare in his general direction.
āHmā¦mm?ā Natsume frowns, eyes sliding slowly into focus, reflecting the light of the single lamp Kaname had left on beside the bed.
Kaname smooths back his hair with one hand. āItās alright.ā He tries to sound surer than he feels, on that point. āGo back to sleep.ā
āWhatāsā¦ā His frown deepens, both his hands sliding up to the sides of Kanameās chest under the covers. āYour heartās beating so fast.ā
āThatās because been busy picturing all the different ways you could possibly prance off and die the second he takes his eyes off you,ā Ponta says flatly, and Kaname winces.
āā¦Oh.ā He lets out a slow breath. Then, looking resolute, he inches himself upward, wriggling out from under the mass of bedclothes piled on top of him until heās nose-to-nose with Kaname, his cheek squashed against the pillow. Heās panting a little from the effort, gripping Kanameās shirt with both hands, but his eyes are steady. āIām sorry,ā he says.
āDonāt be.ā Kaname reaches up, traces the pad of his thumb across Natsumeās cheekbone, the skin cool but no longer cold to the touch. āYou didnāt do anything wrong. You were being kind, not reckless. You even talked to me about it first.ā The significance of that had not been lost on Kaname, either, that Natsume had come to him with this before coming to a decision, even when all evidence pointed to it being a fairly benign situation to involve himself in. At the time Kaname thought his heart might just have grown too full to ever fit properly in his chest again. And yet here Natsume is now, trying to apologize for it. āWe didnāt know this would happen,ā Kaname adds, gently. Heās not certain he can be reassuring when his pulse is still hammering away like it is under Natsumeās hands, when thereās a current of nausea beneath the tight smile he offers. But he can try, because Natsume deserves as much.
But then itās Natsume whoās taking Kanameās face into his own hands, and closing the distance between their lips. Itās as tender as it is deliberate, Natsume cupping his face and holding him there, as if Kanameās the one thatās ephemeral, precious, who might slip away so easily. His lips are still rough and cracked from the cold, but his lashes tickle Kanameās skin like mothsā wings.
āNo, we didnāt know,ā Natsume breathes, eventually, into the scant space between them. Their foreheads are pressed together still; his fingers have slid up and back into Kanameās hair. āBut that doesnāt mean it didnāt hurt you, too.ā He pulls back a little, then, eyes searching. But Kaname doesnāt know what to say to that, so he stays quiet, his chest tight.
āThank you,ā Natsume says. āFor finding me.ā
I didnāt find you, Kaname thinks, Ponta found you. But those words donāt come. What he says, instead, half-blurted, half-choked, is: āI love you.ā
ā¦oh.
āOh,ā Natsume echoes, softly, eyes widening into twin moons in the lamplight, and Kaname fleetingly thinks of sinking through the mattress and vanishing then and there. Thatā¦he had not meant to say that, just now. But he canāt (wonāt) take it back, either. He forces himself to meet Natsumeās eyes, hopes to god he says something more because Kanameās words are utterly spent.
āYouāve never said that, before,ā Natsume adds, at long last. He chuckles, the sound of it breathy and stilted. āI guess I should get lost in the woods more often, huh.ā
But Kaname can only stare, tongue-tied, through eyes that have begun to sting. Natsume pauses, taking in Kanameās face before his brows scrunch together in apparent distress. āIām sorry, that was a cruel thing to say, wasnāt it.ā Gentle thumbs brush below Kanameās eyes, swiping away the building moisture. āPlease donāt cry. Iām sorry.ā
Itās too late for that, Kaname thinks with some distant degree of frustration at himself. Natsume should definitely, definitely be resting right now. Not dealing with Kanameās apparent inability to get a handle on himself, or some ill-timed confession. But here they are, and now Kanameās the one clinging onto Natsumeās pajamas like a terrified child, face buried deep in his shoulder and shaking. And Natsumeās rubbing his back, so gently, kissing his hair and whispering to him to breathe, itās alright, just breathe.
Itās ridiculous, really, that he canāt calm himself down until heās practically cried himself inside out. His chest hurts, his head is buzzing and heās soaked through the flannel on Natsumeās shoulder with tears and snot and spitābut the words I thought you were dead, I saw you and I thought you were dead have been playing on some awful loop in his brain for the past two hours and itās all he can do not to repeat them nowāif he does heāll just lose it again.
Once his breathing has evened out to a semi-reasonable pace, the warm weight near his ankle shifts a bit, and he hears a sardonic, āAre you finished?ā
āSensei.ā Natsume angles a slight kick in the catās general direction, but between Kanameās own legs in the way and the swathes of bandages and blankets packed around them it doesnāt make it very far. āHe does care,ā Natsume mutters, and Kaname raises his head to see Natsume scowling at the foot of the bed. āHeās just being rude.ā
āOf course I care.ā Ponta blinks back at them, wholly unbothered. āHe promised to make gratin tomorrow. He canāt do that if heās cried himself to death, now can he.ā
Natsume pointedly ignores that, before propping himself up on a trembling elbow just far enough to reach for the water bottle on Kanameās dresser. āHere,ā he says, his gentle smile incongruent with the way he almost drops the bottle between them. āYouāll get a headache.ā
And Kaname canāt contest that, really. He can already feel the pressure mounting between his temples. He accepts it and winds up downing about half of it in two gulps. When he offers it back to Natsume to take his own drink he keeps his own hands over Natsumeās unsteady ones, but Kanameās the one whose fingers have grown cold now.
āBetter?ā Natsume asks afterwards, voice still infinitely kind and patient but Kaname can practically see the fatigue etched into his face. Kaname just nods, sheepish. He should never have woken him.
āUm,ā Natsume continues, less sure, āIād ask if you wanted to talk about it right now, butā¦ā
āN-no, thank you.ā His voice comes out low and wrecked, and clearing his throat doesnāt make it any better. āYou should rest.ā
āOkay.ā A pause, and Natsume gives him a long look, making no move to get settled back down under the covers just yet.
āWhatās wrong?ā Kaname asks, with some trepidation. Natsumeās eyes are wide, solemn but luminous.
āI love you too.ā
ā¦oh.
āOh.ā Kanameās mouth feels very dry, suddenly. Thereās a bubble of unbelievable warmth, of hope, rising in his chest, but anxiety follows fast behind. Natsumeās face looks so open right now, the kind of transparent expression that doesnāt often come easily for him and heās waiting, waiting and Kaname has to say something andā
āYou donāt have to say it just ācause I said it,ā is what comes out, eventually. His voice still sounds rather like he swallowed a toad, and he clears his throat in vain, gaze dropping to some spot on the rumpled coverlet between them. āYou donāt owe it to me or anything. You might not even remember any of this in the morning, anyways.ā
He raises his eyes again when he feels cool fingers light on his chin. āDoesnāt matter,ā he says. āItās true, and you should know it.ā Exhaustion notwithstanding, his voice is clear, and his eyes are so warm Kaname couldnāt look away again if he tried. āI love you, okay? I love you.ā
Kaname just nods, heās not sure if he wants to laugh or cry again or hyperventilate or possibly all three but then Natsumeās reaching for him and kissing him and kissing him, lips, forehead, eyelids, nose and cheeks, and Kaname doesnāt have to say anything at all. Itās all slow, feather-light and lingering; Natsumeās too tired for anything more but Kanameās content to lie there and let himself be kissed, his mind resonating with it: I love you too, I love you, I love youā¦
āSorry I scared you,ā Natsume murmurs, eventually. His fingertips skim a lazy circle on Kanameās shoulder, their noses nearly touching still. āIāll do my best to not get lost again.ā
āNot without me.ā
Natsumeās lips twitch. āOkay. Not without you.ā
***
Thanks for reading! Iāll take one more prompt from this list before starting the next part of Never Felt Like Any Blessing if anyone would like to submit one!Ā
#psa don't give baths to hypothermic people#but i don't expect a high schooler and a magic cat to know that#and it's magic hypothermia so whatever#i'm not happy with this#but if I don't post it now I'm never going to#natsume takashi#tanuma kaname#tanunatsu#cha-lii#natsuyuu#natsume's book of friends#ask prompt#ask meme#owlet's fanfic#nyanko sensei#natsume yuujinchou
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