#which is pushing things that i myself need back because i can't afford both

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Oh ya know, most of my ideas feeling tired and boring is probably because I haven't like. Just chilled and done whatever for a while. Been stressing over this gecko and am not likely to get to stop doing that until after the health check. Thankfully there's not as much to do now, but it still feels like a lot to do.

[homestylehughes]

shower sex

pairing(s): luke hughes x fem!reader

summary: after a terrible day, luke knows just what y/n needs. because what's a better relaxation than shower sex?

wc: 1.7k

warnings: smut 18+. little plot, mostly smut! pure filth, no use of y/n. cussing, pet names, dirty talk. oral, fem receiving. unprotected sex, p n v. hints of some angst, and cute fluffy boyfriend luke.

authors note: hiiiii!! luke smut! luke smut! luke smut! i loved writing this, i love luke, going through a luke phase rn badddd. i got this idea when i was writing the headcanons for him earlier. so here it isssss. i loved writing this. like and reblog if you enjoy<3 as always much love<3

happy reading<3

I've actually had the worst day ever. Everything. I mean everything is going wrong today. I was late for work today because I missed my alarm, even with me sprinting throughout our apartment, and speeding to the office. I was still late.

Then, I spilled my coffee all over me. That was my second straw. The worst part about it was that I had to work in my coffee-covered clothes the whole day, not being able to afford to leave work, which would cause me to be even more behind than I was.

I had so much work to do, i stayed 3 extra hours over, not pulling out of the parking lot until almost 8 p.m. everything hurt, each part of my body was exhausted. To make things worse, if they could get even worse, I haven't seen Luke in almost a week. 

The hockey season is wrapping up but Luke has been busy with spending time with his family, after Jack's surgery and training for the worlds. 

We both had hoped that I'd be able to get time off from work to spend time with him and his family, taking a little break for myself. That obviously didn't happen. 

So now, im driving back home to our apartment, in coffee cover clothes, with a pounding headache and empty stomach. The tears are threatening to fall over my waterline. 

Parking quickly in the lot, I get out and grab my things, making my way through the lobby to the elevator. The ride to the 8 floor feels like 30 years before the door opening signaling its floor. 

I slowly trudge down the hall to our door, pushing my key in and turning the lock, the refreshing smell and sense of being home felt in my body. Immediately I drop my things by the door, kicking off my shoes as I do. 

There's three things on my mind right now: shower, eat maybe, and bed. Luke is also on my mind but I'm so exhausted I can't even bring myself to message him back from earlier. 

Making my way to the bathroom, turning the water on to the highest it can go, wanting to burn and wash away the aftermath of the day. Peeling off my clothes, my body quickly relaxes as soon as the hot water hits my body. Leaning my head back letting it run all over my face. 

I can't tell if the wetness on my face is just water or a mix of tears, at this point I'm not sure I care. 

After five or so minutes of letting the water run along my body I reach for the shampoo, starting to wash my hair. The scrubbing on my scalp and the smell of my shampoo is enough to send me into a daze. Wash and rinse and wash and rinse again, the same action repeated with conditioner. 

As I'm rinsing the last bit of conditioner out of my hair, my back turned away to the door of the shower, my eyes closed in relaxation. I feel a hand slowly trail around my waist, my eyes quickly open in confusion, my body fast to move away from the person behind me.

“Hey baby its just me” luke chuckles from behind me, pulling me back into his body from behind, his hands circling my waist rubbing small circles on my hips. 

“You scared me '' I say as I lean back into his body, “sorry baby didn't mean to”, he says, breathing into my neck, his warmth on my neck is enough to make my knees weak. 

“How was your day?” he says, face still nuzzled in my neck. I sadly laugh before i speak “my day was terrible so fucking terrible.” I can feel my eyes begin to fill with tears again. 

Luke is quick to turn me around, grabbing my face in his hands holding it to look at his. “Hey baby, don't cry, it's okay. I'm here now, i'm sorry i haven't been here recently” he says while his eyes are locked with mine, wiping his fingers under my eyes where tears have now fallen. 

Feeling stupid for crying i mute out a small “sorry” to Luke, feeling bad he has to watch me cry like a baby. 

“Hey no, don't feel sorry. It's okay to cry". I don't deserve him, I say to myself. Not knowing what else to say, I push my face to his, locking our lips together. It's been almost a week since i've kissed luke, i missed the feeling of his lips, i've missed the feeling of him around me in general. 

Luke is quick to respond by pulling my hips closer to his body, his other hand on the back of my head. Taking control of the kiss by pushing my lips harder against his.

His tongue pressing against my lips, begging to be let in, opening my mouth slightly against his, lukes hot tongue slides into my mouth. I don't even try to fight for dominance, I just let him take control.

Our bodies moving together against the stream of hot water, the glass door fogging up around us. My body feels like it's on cloud nine just from that. Lukes the first to pull away, his pupils blown with lust, lips swollen and pink. 

“Fuck i missed that” he says, hes hands begin trailing up my body grabbing at my hips, tracing his hands along the under neath of my breasts, the action alone causing me to shutter. 

“Luke” I breathe out, now looking up at him, “what baby” he smirks down at me, now trailing one of his hands to my left nipple, rolling it in between two of fingers. 

“I need you now” I say quietly, “what do you need baby?” Luke says, bringing his face close to mine.

“I want you to fuck me, please” luke wastes no time smashing our lips back to together, walking us backwards and turning us around. My back hits the cold tile, the sensation causing me to moan into lukes mouth, our tongues began to move against each other again. 

Luke suddenly pulls away from me, I whine at the loss of contact. “Be patient baby” he says, as he tails his hand between my legs, pulling my thighs apart, caging me in by putting one of his legs between my thighs and the other on the outside of my other leg. 

I gasp as a feel his fingers slide in between my folds, “fuck baby, who got you this wet?” “you luke, you.” I say trying to push my hips to meet his fingers, my body craving some type of release. 

“Youre a needy little thing tonight arent you baby” he says to me in a teasing tone, “yes i am, and i need you to fuck me now please luke, stop teasing me” i say finally finding my voice. 

“You want me to fuck this little cunt huh?” Luke rasps back to me as he begins to slowly enter two fingers inside of me, I'm so wet, that they just slide right in. 

“I think i might just tease you for a little while longer baby” still slowly moving his fingers in and out of me. My body is rocking against the motion of my fingers thrusting in and out of me.

“Fuck i need more luke, please” i say moaning out to him, hoping he can see how desperate i am for him right now. 

  “Since you asked so nicely” he says, quickly removing his fingers from my pussy. Grabbing one of my legs pulling it up against his hip. 

I pull his face against mine, my hands finding his hair tugging and pushing his mouth against mine, our teeth and tongues clashing against another.

Luke takes a hold of his cock, giving it a few quick pulls before he pushes into me completely. “Oh fuck luke” i moan against his mouth, “you feel so good around me fuck baby” he groans out from above me pulling our lips apart, as he begins thrusting in and out of me.

Each roll of his hips feels like a gift sent from god, his grip on my things hurts so good. I begin to roll my hips to meet his thrusts. 

“Fuck yeah right there baby” luke moans out “keep fucking yourself against me” he says dropping his face into my neck leaving bites in his wake. 

Luke brings my leg higher against his hip, the new angle causing my vision to fog over. “Luke fuck. Oh my gosh,” “right there baby please”. My hands running over the landscape of his back, my nails definitely leaving a trail of red hot marks in their wake. 

The sound of the shower running, and the sound of our skin slapping together fills the shower. I can feel the sweat forming on my body, as luke continues to fuck me. His hand sliding inbetween our bodies, to my clit. 

“Fuck luke, yes right there” i moan out loudly. “That feels good baby, right there yeah? You want me to rub your pretty clit as i fuck you?”. Fuck him and that dirty mouth, “yes luke please, dont stop im close” my eyes falling shut in pleasure. “Fuck baby, i can feel you squeezing against me”

Luke's thrusts began to speed up, I can feel my high approaching. “Fuck luke, dont stop” “im almost there” i say, pulling our lips back together, moaning into each other mouths. 

One last snap of Luke's hips hits right against my clit, causing my whole body to start shaking. “Im coming fuck” i can barely get out as waves of pleasure taking over. My vision is completely white, as my climax racks through my body. 

Luke drops his face against mine, as he comes his moans filling my ears, his hips still snapping against mine, as we both ride out our highs. 

Luke's hips stop moving, trying to catch his breath, as he pulls his face from my neck, I open my eyes slowly to see Luke looking back at me with a slight smirk on his face, our chests still rapidly falling. 

“I think the shower is cold ”Luke says to me while smiling, “I don't care.” I whisper back, pulling our lips together once again in another kiss. Already forgetting about the terrible day, once his lips are back on mine. 

[kyokushinpunk]

We're well into August, the dojo is still closed for summer, so I figured I'd try to do a thing about maintenance routines when you can't practice

I need to maintain some sort of shape over the summer so that I'm not completely behind when the season starts.

So far my daily routine has been :

30 crunches

30 squats

30 knuckle push-ups

15 minutes of stretching, trying to get splits so I can finally reach joudan / high kicks and generally be more flexible. I basically do all of the usual stretching we do in the dojo but keep positions for 1 minute. It's paying off.

When I remember, I do a couple kata, mostly sanchin.

Twice a week, I'm going to the gym for some cardio and weight lifting. I do 15 minutes on a rowing machine, then 4 exercices in 5x5 (two push / two pull). One day is upper body, second day is lower body. I'm allowing myself a little more junk food than usual because it's kinda vacation season, haha, but I still keep a balanced diet. I'm thinking of going a third time to work more core and back stuff, but I'll do when I can afford a couple coaching sessions.

Some of the senpai are running small training and light sparring sessions once a week in a park, and I've attend the last two (I feel like a white belt again when I spar against them, damn).

So far it's been quite useful, I've noticed progress in both strength and flexibility (my kicks can reach shoulder height now). The senpai have recommended I up my daily routine to 50 of each, which I will probably do for the last two weeks of summer leading up to the dojo reopening on september 4th. I'd be curious to know about your own maintenance routines when you can't go and train ? I admit I'm very new to this, so I might be doing stuff wrong.

I'm thinking into properly getting into weight lifting in the future, especially as my girlfriend is moving to France soon and is big into lifting. Couldn't think of a better incentive to lift.

Anyway, as soon as septembers starts, competition training starts again. I really want to go the tournament in december, I couldn't last year after injuries, reaaaaally want to try this time.

[phantomdoofer]

A Brother's Tale - Running Hell

Gustavo strolled into the briefing room, holding his pack over his shoulder. He could see Giuseppe was already there, Anita beside him. Something was wrong. Giuseppe was slumped forward, his shoulders tighter than normal. Anita had her hand on the man's shoulder, with an expression of uncharacteristic concern.

Gustavo set down his pack and went over to his friend. I mean, with all the shit we've gone through, we've all got problems, but something feels... extra wrong.

Giuseppe looked devastated. He was staring at his hands, which held what was probably some kind of report. Gustavo knew the enemy had unveiled some terrifying new weapon, which was devastating the entire world. Plus they'd somehow found a huge group of new soldiers, and the allied lines were being pushed incredibly hard. Somehow, this feels more personal. Oh no, was our hometown targeted? Mom, Dad, Gustavo, Mama Spaghetti, Peppino... "Sepp?" He said tentatively. "What's happened?"

Without looking up, Giuseppe spoke. "Peppino may be dead."

Gustavo was stunned. A huge chunk of why this wild bunch of essentially super-powered individuals stayed in line was the knowledge that their other selves were being kept safe. I mean, accidents happen, but... "How?"

Giuseppe continued. "Somebody fucked up the paperwork that was supposed to keep clones out of the draft. A lot of clones got drafted... including Peppino and Gustavo."

Gustavo's heart stopped. Mine? But what... what about my parents? They need him! His parents, both ill from a chemical attack early in the war, relied on the other Gustavo for help and income.

Giuseppe shook his head. "They've been in the front lines a while now. Yesterday there was a bad ambush. Peppino and Gustavo's unit got wiped out, except for them. Peppino took one of those new shredder rounds right in the chest." He choked. Most of them considered their clones to be siblings. "Gustavo was wounded too, but he managed to get Peppino to a field hospital. They're working on him, but they don't know if he's gonna make it."

Suddenly Giuseppe wadded the paper into a tight ball, and threw it across the room. "My brother may be dead! Peppino might be dead! Because some goddamn pencil-pusher forgot to do their goddamn job!" He leaned over, clutching his sides, growling as he tried not to scream in grief and rage.

His friend's distress overrode his own fear for his brother. And there's not a damn thing we can do about this. Anita leaned over and hugged Giuseppe. "I'm so sorry, Sepp," she said.

The Major walked in, not doing his usual act for once. His face was grave. "I see you've gotten the news. If it's any consolation Giuseppe, I had no idea until it was too late myself. He's getting the best care they've got there, but they can't afford to move him." Giuseppe looked at the Major, who looked him in the eyes and said, "I truly hope he makes it."

Giuseppe's eyes were harder than Gustavo had ever seen them. They looked twisted, demented. This is worse than when he's running. When he spoke, his voice shook. "I hope so, Major. If my brother dies, I... I..." he looked back down. His voice grew tiny. "I don't know what'll happen."

The Major came over and stood in front of them. "Easy, soldier. You're getting close to talking about defection... or worse. I understand how you feel, but keep it under control. I guarantee you, the ones responsible for this are already on the way out. This was a major blunder, one that should've been caught several times over." He smiled grimly. "Now, I need you to come to the Theater," the Major said, referring to their rarely-used main briefing room. "We have a new mission."

~~~~

The three of them looked around as they entered the Theater. Here was where they'd been introduced to their new lives. Told the whole deal: the clones, the special talents, the works. Haven't seen this many of us together since we left boot. From one side, a hand waved at Giuseppe. "Oy! Rapitaliano! You break the sound barrier yet?" The voice was teasing, but friendly. Must be Enrique. Only one who ever called me that. He waved back, but didn't trust himself to speak. The guy was the only one faster than him in their original group. They had developed a friendly rivalry. Giuseppe wasn't too surprised he was still around, as fast as he was.

There were a lot of faces missing. We've been lucky. A lot of new faces, too. They all looked nervous. Must be new recruits. He frowned. This has got to stop. The NEED for it has to stop.

As they sat down, Gustavo had his laptop out. "They're hitting cities really hard," he said, looking nervous. "This thing is insane. It just... vaporizes the target. Melts it. Twenty cities now. They're not even just aiming at us. Even the neutral countries are being hit."

"Bet that's the Demons again," Anita said. "They like pain and suffering."

Giuseppe nodded. So far his and Gustavo's hometown had been too small to target. But it was only a matter of time. "They'll destroy the whole world at this rate."

"Attenn-SHUN!" The Major bellowed, and everyone stood straight as an older man strode into the room, moving to the podium. Mentally, Giuseppe whistled. A Five-Star. This is really serious.

The General cleared his throat. "Thank you. Be seated." They sat. "I just want to say thank you all for all your sacrifices. Without you, we would have lost this war long ago." He gestured at the screen behind him, which lit up with a map. "Some of you may have heard that we have located the enemy's secret weapon. This is true. We taken to calling it "Inferno.""

Inferno, Giuseppe thought, "Hell." Good name for a weapon that burns everything.

"Two days ago, the Demons and the Talpas betrayed the Ninda. They had since proceeded to systematically destroy the five biggest Ninda cities." On the map, the Ninda capitol and the four largest cities blinked out.

Anita snorted. "Good riddance." Gustavo elbowed her hard in the side. Giuseppe had mixed feelings. While they were the enemy, he thought about his own family. Can't punish everyone for a few's evil. This is genocide.

"Since this betrayal, the Ninda have offered intelligence and begged for assistance. They've offered an immense amount of information on Inferno, starting with its location." A light appeared on the map. "Our own intelligence agencies have confirmed the Ninda's information. It's close enough for a full strike, but it's heavily protected. And they're using old technology to shield it. There's no way we can take it down with conventional weaponry, or even using old tech. Or so they think." He gestured at the map again, which zoomed in. "Our forces will engage theirs at this location. We're bringing everything in: air support, ground troops... and you." He gestured. "Some of you will join our forces, being distributed to units where your special talents will be useful." He pointed at a few of them, Giuseppe included. "For the ones of you with speed-based abilities, we have a special mission. You're the key to this operation." He clicked again, and a diagram of a piece of Old Tech appeared on the screen.

"A teleporter," Gustavo spoke softly. "I thought they'd all been destroyed."

"We've kept a supply of these in deepest secrecy for just such an occasion. Thanks to the information provided by the Ninda, and some of our own scientists', efforts, they should go right through those damned shields. You fast types will teleport inside, find the control room, and plant a special-made device in their base which will overload this monstrosity."

Giuseppe gulped. He immediately started sweating. Gustavo and Anita both grabbed an arm each, and he untensed a bit.

But not much.

The General looked grim. "I won't lie. This is going to be incredibly dangerous. They will defend it tooth and nail. We'll give you as much time as we can, but if they get that thing charged up, they'll wipe us out. The war will be over. And they'll torch the planet."

Not a sound echoed in the chamber.

"We're counting on you all. It's been seven years since this program began. Hopefully, you will be the last we need."

~~~~

The actual briefing had taken an hour, then they'd been handed their unit assignments. Anita and Gustavo were going with a unit or Army troops.

Giuseppe, of course, had his own assignment.

He stood up to move towards his group. Anita touched his thigh, saying nothing. Gustavo spoke. "Hey, meet us up top afterwards. I've got something I want to do."

Giuseppe nodded, and moved to meet the rest of "Team Blitz."

Enrique was leading the discussion, of course. "Glad you're still here, 'Seppe. Honestly, I think you've got the best chance of pulling this off. Even if I am faster." He gestured in front of him. "No built-in shields."

A teenage girl spoke up. She's so young, Giuseppe thought, from the ripe old age of twenty-two. "Do they really think we can do this? You know the inside of that place will be a deathtrap."

"Exactly why they're sending us," Enrique said, "we might be fast enough to avoid some of it."

Giuseppe spoke, "We have to be. You heard the General. This thing can wipe out the whole force with one shot if they decide to use it. This is a Hail Mary - that thing can just snipe us anywhere in the world. If they spread out enough to not get hit all at once, they'll just be broken. The Demons seem to have endless troops."

Another one, an Ogre woman, spoke. "Think maybe they've found some cloning tanks?"

That thought was sobering. "If they found enough to make this many troops this fast, then that would explain the haste. It's not just Inferno they're worried about. They'll overrun us with endless troops," Enrique said.

"No wonder the Breads are scared, " the Ogre said. "They're gonna join the rest of us in getting wiped out."

All of them stared at the floor for a minute. This really is do or die. For everyone. "We can't afford to fail," Giuseppe said. Everyone nodded. "If we fail, it all fails."

~~~~

Giuseppe found Anita and Gustavo outside, staring up at the sky. He sat beside them. Out here, the stars were a river of light. Truly secret bases don't generate a lot of light, after all. Not on the surface. For several minutes, they sat in silence. Finally, Anita spoke. "Sepp... do you think we're getting out of this one?"

"Why are you asking me? You're the boss," Giuseppe said. "You tell me."

"Sepp, I may take the lead, but it's always you pulling our asses out of the fire." She shrugged. "This is... big. Too big for me." She looked back up. "If... when I get out, I want to just come live someplace like this. Away. What about you two?"

Gustavo shrugged. "I dunno. I kind of want to learn to cook. Wasn't your father a pizzaiolo, Sepp? What about you? Maybe open up a pizzeria?" He smirked.

Giuseppe thought about it. Maybe. "I don't know. I'd have to check on Ma and... and Pino..." his voice trailed off.

Gustavo reached into his pocket. He handed something to each of them. "Here. I made these a while back, but I never got a chance to give them to you until now."

Giuseppe held it up to the starlight. "A leather bracelet?"

"For my truest friends." Gustavo said. "I know, it's stupid and sentimental, but... if something happens... I wanted something for us to remember each other with."

Anita already had hers on. As Giuseppe gently wrapped his around his wrist, Anita hugged him. "I love you, you little boulder." She gathered Giuseppe into the hug, and he leaned into it. He reached around and enveloped the two smaller ones, holding them close.

"You two are family to me, just as much as Ma and Peppino. I won't ask for promises, because I can't make any. But... if don't make it... know that I love you."

The stars watched as the three huddled in silence.

~~~~

Giuseppe stretched and warmed up as they waited for the signal to go. Anita and Gustavo should be with their unit by now. Without his friends there, he was even more anxious than usual. Of course, this possibly being the end of the world as we know it might have something to do with that, too. The others around him were silent. Every face carried a mix of anxiety and determination. Even Enrique wasn't cracking jokes. He gently touched the leather bracelet, and his nerves calmed slightly. Thank you, mio amico. Be safe, both of you.

"Hello there," a familiar voice said behind him.

Giuseppe turned. "Doctor... Houlwea, wasn't it?"

The Ninda smiled. "I'm surprised you remembered! Yes, I've been working to get these teleporters set up." He handed Giuseppe a small cylinder, the size of a pen. "The button on that will bring you back to this." He held up a small briefcase-like device. "It's very old though, so try not to abuse it."

"Thanks, Doctor." He place the small item in one of the many pockets on the front of his suit.

The Ninda hesitated, then placed a hand on Giuseppe's arm. "I want to say thank you again for rescuing me. My notes turned out to be vital in figuring out a way to get these teleporters to work through those shields." He looked down. "I wish I'd known about this Inferno thing. Maybe I could've done... something."

Despite himself, Giuseppe smiled. "Doc, you know they'd probably just have killed you or something. You did what you could."

The bread-man shook himself. "I guess. I hope I get to see you again. We're all rooting for you."

As he walked away, Giuseppe patted his pocket. Hope this thing works. If it doesn't, it'll be charcoal time.

The Major stepped forward. Everyone but Giuseppe jumped. The Major's mustache twitched in amusement. "All right, listen up. The battle started a few minutes ago, and it's fierce. So far there's no sign of them using Inferno. They probably think they don't need to. When you get there, we estimate you'll have about five minutes between them noticing you and the weapon being charged enough to fire. Do not take chances, and don't get fancy. Get to your target, insert that drive, and use those porters to leave. Now, get your arms ready!"

Giuseppe nodded, and pulled his shotgun out. You and me again, he thought. One last run.

Houlwea worked a control panel, and a swirling green and pink portal appeared in front of them. The Major yelled, "That's it! Team Blitz, give em hell!"

They charged through the portal as one.

The transition was instant, moving from their meeting zone to the inside of one of the biggest rooms Giuseppe had ever seen.

All hell broke loose. Bullets began pinging all around him. He dashed forward, Enrique right behind him. They'd agreed at the briefing that he'd lead, acting as a shield for the other runners. Despite his desire to weave and juke, he charged straight ahead, using his special talent to provide a little cover to his teammates.

He heard a cry behind him. Someone had been hit. He heard the thump as they fell, the others hurtling over the body. Nothing I can do for them. Gotta go, gotta go!

The fire was intense. The only thing saving him was the field of pure speed and rage in front of him. Several Talpa and even a few Demons stepped out of alcoves, aiming weapons at them. The runners went on the evasive, the fire too broadly spread now for Giuseppe's shield to offer much protection for them. He heard several cries behind him as runners were hit.

He didn't hear any teleporters going off. Every hit was a kill. He turned the grief into rage, which he turned into acceleration. Faster, faster. Push it, break your limit. Don't let them die in vain.

As he ran, Giuseppe caught glimpses of rooms filled with glass tanks. Cloning tanks. He grinned hugely. Good. Two birds with one stone.

Guiseppe hit a straightaway, and he risked a quick glance behind him. He was shocked to see only himself, the ogre woman, and Enrique left. Oh Mio Dio, we might not make-

As he turned his head forward, a searing pain tore through the right side of his face, from right beside his right eye along the side of his head. He screamed, still running. He felt blood running down the side of his face. How did something get past the shield from that angle? He saw a flash, and a beam of light shot past him. Ahead, a group of Demons fired fiery blasts at the trio.

Oh shit, whatever those are, my shield doesn't stop them! His boots screamed as he started evading, hoping to throw off their aim.

The Ogre woman got past him, charging at the demons. She roared as she was grazed several times, then took a shot full in the chest.

Then Enrique blazed past him. What the hell is he doing??

"Go, 'Seppe! Go! You've got to do it!" He pinballed amongst the Demons, breaking their line and throwing off their aim as he bounced around. Giuseppe had just enough time to see one of them blast him before he was past.

I'm the last one. As he ran, tears streamed from his eyes. He screamed in pain and rage. Rage became speed. Tears mixed with blood as he accelerated more, pushing himself past the limit. Go. His heart felt like it would fly out of his chest, but he ignored it. Go. He skidded around a hairpin turn, barely losing speed. Don't let them have died for nothing. He bounced off a wall, spinning in a desperate attempt to avoid the beams and bullets around him. He felt several grazes, but no real hits. Do it for them. He jumped down a flight of stairs, slid down the handrail of a catwalk, a fall a million miles deep just below his feet. Do it for Anita and Gustavo, Ma and Pino.

DO IT.

Giuseppe ran right through a Demon who stood in front of him, who didn't even have time to respond before exploding into messy bits.

Faster, you bastard, faster!

The sound of alarms dopplered down as Giuseppe pushed himself harder and harder. Suddenly the air seemed to open in front of him, and he saw a shockwave fly away. Sound barrier. True Mach 1. He put everything he had left into his run.

Objects shattered in his wake.

Suddenly he realized he was there. He skidded to a stop, bursting through the door to the control center as he decelerated. It was surprisingly small. Only a couple of Demons were there, holding their heads as the sonic boom deafened them. With burning determination Giuseppe gunned them down. Fuck you and fuck you. Then he stepped over to the control panel. This is for you, guys. He plugged the small drive into the port, and it quickly did its job. He heard the rumble as Inferno's core started to overload. Ok, thirty seconds and this place will melt itself. Good riddance. Now to get out of here. He pulled the small pen trigger out and clicked it.

The pen garbled a strange noise, but nothing happened.

Giuseppe looked down at the pen in horror. "CAZZO!" He shrieked. He started running, back towards the entrance, clicking the pen rapidly. Fuckfuckfuck! The building was shaking, a roar like an angry god chasing him through the halls. He hurtled over fallen soldiers, enemies and allies both. Debris and fallen weapons threatened to trip him constantly.

As he ran, he clicked rapidly. "Come on, come on...!"

*click* *click* *click* *click* *cli-BWIP*

~~~~

The sound of cheering stirred Peppino from his stupor. Wha... what's... He felt so tired, like his body was made of lead. There was a pressure on his face. An oxygen mask. And everything hurt. Last thing I remember was... blood... pain... Gustavo, repeating my name over and over...

He blearily opened his eyes.

From the next bed over, Gustavo looked over. "Oh hey! You're awake!" He hopped down and came over, hopping up on a stool. He grabbed Peppino's hand.

"What... what-a happened?" Peppino said.

Gustavo looked grim. "I almost lost you, Pino. We got ambushed. You got shot, I brought you back. You didn't respond to anything. There was so much blood..." He pointed at the heavy bandages on Peppino's body. "You were close to death, my friend."

"We were... ambushed?" Peppino said. "What about... the others?"

Gustavo looked down.

Peppino's eyes filled with tears. All gone. Like that. I miei fratelli.

Gustavo looked up. "But look! Look at the TV! They did it! They destroyed the enemies' weapon!"

Peppino worked to focus on the screen. The words "Enemy Superweapon Destroyed" floated above a picture of what looked like a mountain of slag.

Peppino sighed. All he could think about was his friends. Riposate in pace, amici miei. He laid back, their faces floating across his mind's eye.

Gustavo patted his hand. "I'll let the doctors know you're awake. They'll be so excited!" As the gnome jumped off, Peppino noticed he had bandages wrapped around his own waist, stained with blood. "Gustavo, you're-a wounded, too?"

Gustavo waved a hand. "Non è niente. I got a graze while I was bringing you in. Nothing serious." He ran out the door.

Guilt filled Peppino's heart. Mio amico, that was no graze. You nearly got yourself killed saving me.

He looked back at the screen. People were celebrating in the cities. Outside, someone was setting off fireworks.

Peppino cringed, the sound distorting into bombs and gunfire, screams and curses.

~~~~

Be glad you didn't lose your eye, Giuseppe thought as he touched the bandage covering the right side of his face. Or your head. Part of his right ear was gone, burned away. The skin between his eye socket and ear had been fried, too. It would heal, but he'd have a hell of a scar.

I'm still here. If it hadn't been for the pain, he might not have believed it.

When Giuseppe walked in, the Theater erupted into raucous cheers and applause. Before he could respond, Anita and Gustavo wrapped around him.

"You did it, you did it!" They yelled together. Suddenly Anita dragged his face down and kissed him full on the lips, causing the crowd to erupt in whistles, catcalls and jeers of "get a room!" Giuseppe grinned despite himself. "Anita, I didn't know you cared."

She pressed a hand to his lips. "Don't read too much into it, Sepp. I'm just glad you're alive, friend."

The reminder of the other runners sobered him. "How many did we lose?"

Gustavo looked sad. "A lot. All the other runners. And most of us that were outside, too. There's maybe a dozen of us left." He looked up at Anita. "We got really lucky."

Giuseppe looked down. Riposate in pace, fratelli miei.

With mixed feelings, he let his friends drag him into the crowd. He didn't feel much like celebrating, but everyone else did. Can't blame them too much. The world didn't end.

A few minutes later, the Major came in, and pulled him aside. "I wanted you to know, your brother pulled through. In fact, he just woke up."

Giuseppe felt a band of tension snap in his heart. Ih grazie a Dio. Giuseppe grinned hugely, and gave the Major a giant hug that lifted him off his feet. Putting him down, happy tears in his eyes, Giuseppe threw up both fists and yelled "MY BROTHER LIVES!" Anita and Gustavo cheered loudly, the crowd cheered back, despite not knowing the context, and the Major straightened his tie. "I'll let that one slide this time, Spaghetti. Don't do it again." Then he smiled. "I'm glad. We've lost too much already."

Giuseppe smiled at him. "Amen per questo, Major."

~~~~

Standing outside in the predawn gloom, Giuseppe looked up at the fading stars. It's a new world from here on out. The program was officially being shut down, once things had been wrapped up with the war. Or at least, the original version was. Some of them were staying, including the three of them, to form the core of a new military branch. The world would still need guardians. Some sort of mixture of elite strike forces and intelligence operations, no name yet. But Giuseppe understood. There were far more threats than one alliance of aggressors.

Giuseppe smiled. It all meant something, in the end, after all.

Gustavo and Anita walked up on either side of him. He wrapped his arms around his smaller companions.

The three stood and watched as the sun rose.

~~~~

Peppino leaned back in his recliner, looking at his brother with newfound respect. "That was you!" he said in awe. "You're the one they called the Hellrunner."

Giuseppe grinned meekly from his position laying on Peppino's couch. "Yes. I don't know who came up with that, but it eventually became my call sign."

"The news channels were full of-a people speculating about the soldier who took that Demon superweapon down. It all sounded so fanciful and-a overblown. But knowing the kind of people who did it now..." He looked down. "Its still hard for me to believe I survived." Peppino said.

"You shouldn't have been in the war at all," Giuseppe said, frowning. "None of you. I found the ones who lost that paperwork and we had... words."

Peppino laughed. "So where are the bodies buried?"

Giuseppe chuckled. "Words. Just words. Not to say there weren't a few... implications."

Peppino grew serious. "All I did was take down a tower. You saved the world."

Giuseppe sat up. "Don't sell yourself short, Pino. We'd been trying to track down Pizzahead for years. If I'd have found him, I'd have sent in several teams. The technology in that tower could have done untold damage." He pointed at Peppino. "You are a strong man. Don't forget that."

Coming from the old soldier in front of him, that was quite a compliment. Peppino tried not to swell with pride. "Thank you for the story, fratello."

"Any time, fratellino."

[lorbanery]

Inspired by a Youtube video I just watched about an asinine Tiktok drama over a brush and my own realization in beauty school:

People with longer hair: YOU'RE PROBABLY BRUSHING YOUR HAIR WRONG

I know, it sounds ridiculous, it's such a simple action, how could most people be doing it WRONG??? But unfortunately most folks are, and I include myself and my mother in that!

Let me define a couple of terms first just to make sure we're all on the same page.

Root — The part of your hair that has most recently grown out of your scalp. When people who dye their hair say that their "roots are showing" or their "roots are growing in", that's what they're talking about; they got their hair dyed and enough time has passed that new, undyed hair has grown out enough to be visible. There's an accepted standard in the beauty industry for how much of your grown out hair counts as the root, but that's mostly important for chemical services like dyeing. For our purposes you just need to know that it's the part of the hair that's closest to the scalp.

Ends — literally the end of your hair. When you get a trim, you are trimming the ends, it's the part of your hair where the hair stops.

SO

When most people brush their hair, they start up by the roots and drag the brush down through their hair.

This is wrong.

See, when you have longer hair, you have more area for knots to develop. Think about wired earbuds. No matter how neatly you wrap them up, by the time you take them back out of your pocket or bag or drawer or whatever they're knotted up six ways to sunday. The same goes for your hair. You probably have multiple different knots all involving at least some of the same strands of hair. The only way to untie a knot, of course, is to pull the ends through, which would work if you just had one knot. The brush teeth hit the knot, push it down until the ends untwist, the knot is gone.

But with multiple knots, what happens is that the brush pushes that first knot down ... and then it hits a second knot, maybe a third, maybe a fourth. As you push down, the strands of hair pull against both or all of the knots, making them tighter, until they're all compacted together and you've essentially created a double knot or a triple or quadruple or whatever knot. Whatever it is it's infinitely harder to detangle, which leads to pain and, more often than not, tearing of the hair rather than actual detangling.

So how do we avoid this?

I know some people are shouting about only brushing wet hair or using a leave-in conditioner/detangling spray, and sure! All of those things make the hair marginally more slippery, which makes it harder for the knots to tighten up. But you can't always hop into the shower when you want to brush your hair, and not everyone can afford to keep detangling sprays/leave-in conditioners stocked, and some folks can't even use them.

No, there's a much more simple solution: Start brushing at the ends.

Take your brush as close to the ends as possible, and brush down. Then move your brush a little further up than that and brush down again. Keep doing that all the way up to your roots.

Why does this simple reversal work? Because when you start at the ends you're encountering one knot ... and detangling it. So when you move up and encounter another knot, there's an empty runway below it to allow it to untangle, etc etc and so forth.

Is it foolproof? No. You may still have some nasty knots at the ends of your hair; you may run into knots in a different section of your hair that you haven't worked on yet; you may accidentally miss a knot; etc etc. But it mitigates the issue. You are less likely to get those really bad build-up knots that you get when you start at the roots, the ones that end up with you gritting your teeth and yanking on your brush until half the knotted hair just rips itself out of the knot. And overall? Will result in much healthier hair.

At the end of the day the actual kind of brush or comb you use doesn't really matter. It might matter for the type of hair you have; it might matter for the styling you're attempting to do. But the only thing that matters in detangling your hair as easily and undamaged as possible is your technique.

[greatfruitboo22]

I'm going to rant because I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about anything, really. I don't have money for a therapist, and I don't want to be a burden. I have been struggling and honestly the urge to just disappear is so fucking strong. First my mental health is pure shit right now. My depression at an all time high. All I want to do is is sleep. I have no motivation to eat, or do anything honestly. I can't sleep through the night. The only peace I have, no people to bother me and no one to prove myself to. Then I sleep all day, avoiding my responsibilities and others. I know part of it is because of my ADHD and Autism. Which until recently, I didn't realize I had both. And when I talk about it, I just get push back from my mom saying, "You aren't autistic I would know if you were. Or It only works if you have an official diagnosis, "but that means that it could be used against me because it's on a document that others can see. And that scares me. There are still so many places and people who use that against you. I'm scared that while I'm re-learning how to function without masking and not pushing myself back into burnout that someone will use it against me. I have gone back to a dark place where I want to die because I have lost my footing, and because I don't know where I'm going, it feels like a never-ending pit. I feel nothing and everything all at once. I don't feel like I have support anymore. Since my burnout, I quit my job that I liked because I couldn't handle being a mask, and getting statements like your face needs to show more emotion. I'm sorry that in order for me to function, I can't make faces. I don't want to smile to appease someone. Because I left that job, I have no money, one of my accounts negative, and when I think I fix it, it just gets worse. I started a new job, got two weeks in, and missed an entire week because all I could do was sleep. Depression isn't a real illness, so why did I miss it right? Jobs don't allow for mental illness days. Only sick days. But I am sick. Mental illness is a sickness of the brain. My brain that tells me these people can hear you make calls, they are judging you. They make fun of you behind your back. People are hard for me. I want friends, and I want to be kind, but eye contact makes me anxious, talking makes me anxious, and keeping conversations makes me anxious. I get anxious getting out of bed each day. I get anxious about eating in front of people. It's overwhelming. I am also dysforic. I started using they/them pronouns about a year ago, and only like five people in my life made an actual effort to use them. I am non-binary and while I still prefer femme presenting, I don't feel like a female. My family won't use my pronouns. My dad was confused and didn't try. My mom gets mad when I correct her. So many times I say those aren't my pronouns I get back no one will use those for you, how do others know, you aren't correcting them, you are my daughter. My aunt barely accepts I'm bisexual. My sister tried for a little while but stopped when it got too hard for her. I just want to feel like me in my skin. I am dealing with weight gain due to PCOS, and I hate it. I feel like I can't lose any weight. I want to live somewhere without the rest of my family, but I cannot physically afford to live on my own. Everything is so expensive. It feels like all these things are just piling on, and I want it to stop. I want to feel some freedom. I feel so isolated in the place I am in right now. Everyone around me is growing up and moving on. I don't feel like I have friends anyone. I don't know who is there anymore. Not that I would ever say anything about how I feel. I just wish I could breathe.

[acreepywholockian]

I grew up with a special ed teacher as a mom and she knew both she and I had ADHD. I was a pretty typical case and won't get into symptoms now, but I was diagnosed as a kid and read lots of books my mom got on the subject and even knowing that, I grew up thinking I was less-than for being the way I am. I missed some symptoms and thought they were character flaws I had to fix. I didn't know they were symptoms and during this critical time (11-14 years old, about) I wasn't seeing a counselor or anything because I tried it and didn't like it back then. same with medicine at 13- I didn't think it helped so I didn't use it. by high school I knew myself well enough to push myself through classes but knew it was different and harder for me than it was for others. I was told at age 12 when I asked for extra help due to ADHD, "we all have a little ADD, you don't need help. that's just an excuse," so I never brought it up in school again until late college when my counselor actually helped me cope, recommended medicine, and overall acknowledged my experience and suffering. that 50 year old man cried when I talked about some of the things I went through, and the worst things were nonlethal car crashes, so it wasn't some huge terrible abuse, he was just a man who cared about my story and wanted to help me cope and be someone I could rely on.

when I see similar ADHD symptoms in others, I make sure to point them out and say they may want to look into a diagnosis. how do these assholes think that happens? not everyone sees a counselor for unrelated reasons and then the counselor/psychiatrist sees symptoms and diagnosed them. some people want help but don't know where to look. they see the symptoms online and wonder if they have it. it's natural and may lead to self-diagnosis sometimes, but wouldn't it be better if more kids didn't grow up thinking they're failures and are instead just different from the norm, but so similar to a huge group of people?

this just strikes me as "kids can't know they're a different gender at that age! they can't be trans!" like no, they know themselves better than you know them. you may be a mental health professional but you don't intimately know these people as well as they know themselves, so who are you to say their curiosity and opinions aren't valid? to an extent, most ADHD symptoms are just symptoms of being human, but taken to an extreme, which could be why so many people relate when they likely don't have it. but some people watching will see that and think "maybe I do have this; maybe someone can help me with this and I can feel less terrible about myself." why is that so wrong? especially with the prohibitive cost of healthcare in America- who can afford a psych to evaluate them? who can afford one of the 2 autism specialists in your state that can see you, but they're booked for 5 years? is it ok to self diagnose then? why isn't it ok to get resources and help, even if it turns out you were wrong? the studying skills I developed myself without acknowledging my ADHD are still typical ADHD strategies, like body doubling, which I called "study energy" for like 5 years until I learned that term from the internet. no one taught me these strategies so I played to my own strengths to survive and now I'm a tutor so I teach em to kids with or without ADHD, doesn't matter. I've used strategies I looked up to help with dyslexia on kids who I suspected but still don't know of a diagnosis. it's not wrong, this 7 year old didn't look up the symptoms to fake so if give them more attention and resources. do psych majors really think that's more likely than someone thinking about it for years and wondering if maybe they have a disorder and not a character flaw? hearing this shit will just prevent them from seeking care. what assholes

a while ago i attended this lecture on autism. guy in the audience said he had many of the symptoms that were presented and asked what should he do to get treatment and possibly a diagnosis. instead of answering his question the psychologist went on a tangent about how “the clinic reigns all powerful over guesswork”, and how actually it has become a trend amongst little children on the internet to claim that they are autistic for cool points, and that this hurts real autistic people. no she didn’t tell him how to get his symptoms looked into, she just made it very clear that to her, aknowledging your own symptoms is bad and evil and hurts the poor real mentally ill people.

an ex-friend of mine, then a psychology major and by now probably a full psychologist, once lectured me on how horrible and bad it was that i told her “i probably have some sort of neurodivergency”, and that if i were her patient she would never give me a diagnosis because “you aren’t like this now, but i know that if you get a diagnosis you’ll use it as an excuse to start treating people badly. that’s just how mentally ill people are.”

same ex-friend was extremely disgusted when she found out that fans sometimes make neurodivergency headcanons for characters that have the same symptoms as they do, and that authors sometimes write books with neurodivergent protagonists in stories that don’t focus on that (ex: she seemed horrified that percy jackson has adhd?)

multiple psychologists i’ve seen on facebook agree that they should refuse to treat patients that say “i’m here because i have symptoms of a disorder and wonder if i have it”, and that a patient should arrive to a psychologist as a blank slate.

school psychologist asked me how i was feeling about my trauma situation and i told him i thought my friends would leave me. instead of addressing the issue he said that that no i didn’t, that i was lying, that i had searched “bpd symptoms” online and now i was faking symptoms because i wanted to have bpd, that he shouldn’t have told me he suspected i had a personality disorder because now look what was happening. no, i didn’t search bpd symptoms online. yes, my friends left me, it was a completely founded belief and not a symptom, let alone a faked symptom.

so the next time you hear someone saying they’re “anti self-diagnosis” i want you to understand what they’re saying. what they’re saying is:

- i don’t want people to be aware of their own symptoms

- i don’t think my patients should have access to any information that doesn’t come from me

- i don’t think neurodivergent people should learn how to cope with their symptoms and live “normal” lives

- i think neurodivergent people should be denied a diagnosis because the moment they get one they will become evil and dangerous

- i don’t think people who don’t look like a stereotype could possibly be neurodivergent, even if they have all the symptoms, so i think they are faking it for attention and should be denied treatment

[chunghowyu]

november 5 2024 - on nutrition and health

i would describe my health journey as intentional, but also, unexpected. for most of my life, i would say that i had no discipline when it came to my diet or my exercise and it wasn't until covid that i was presented with an opportunity to make a change for myself. i don't remember the mindset i was in - i don't think there was any sort of trigger that made me think - i need to be fit today or i'm too fat. it really started with that nintendo switch game wii fit adventure that made me realise working out did not have to be so bad, and it was the chloe ting trend that also made it super accessible. i also began to like biking, but....i don't know now that i look back on photos, and as my hair is getting longer, i feel like it was that. that hair growth that made me realise to fit this new identity, my physique had to match the long hair? was it that? in terms of discipline, it was quite easy to get into nutrition and health. i found myself sticking to a regimen that is pretty much instinctual today - i avoid empty carbs and trans fats at the supermarket...i know what foods are generally really efficient and which are not...i know how to indulge when i need to... i don't know. it just sort of happened.

but it really started off with proving to myself that exercise does work, because i never understood that it is as simple as less calories = less weight. it was always hard to commit to that principle, because i guess i wanted fast results. i remember in my last year of college, my roommate and i would be obsessed with wanting to lose weight, but we would always cave to snacks. i would make small decisions on a day to day basis, like cutting this, or that, but a few days later, the cravings would surface again, and i could not keep to the schedule.

around covid, i guess it helped that there weren't any more social pressures to eat and consume. i could really hone in on my own goal of health, and train myself to stick to a diet. even when i was helping my cousin with his food adventures, i would limit myself. i had a new goal. i noticed that my waist was slimming, etc. etc. it was actually working. i would eat things like sweet potato with marinated chicken and fage greek yogurt, i started eating oatmeal for breakfast, i remember believing protein bars were still good haha, and then...yeah. i think my diet was mostly that. oh yeah, and tamales.

when i moved to hk, i continued to exercise, mostly on cardio and losing weight. i also remember starting to want to gain muscle in my chest and biceps, and i would do those (i forgot his name) rocky roman or something 15 minute push-up workout and chris heria workouts. i remember i would literally wake up early before class to do like 2 workouts. holy crap the discipline i had, i literally couldn't even do that now. i can't tell you where the motivation came from - i can't tell you what inspired me, because i truly don't remember. i think covid and the circumstances just pushed me to achieve the things i wanted. maybe i felt good about the stuff i was doing in school and it pushed me to want to reflect those on the outside as well. i have a lot of gratitude for the covid years me, because he really put in a lot of the work to create who i am today. i think back to him, and how both confident and unconfident he was, and i'm amazed how he find the energy. maybe it's the mid-20's energy. either way....i'll reflect on it more, and how he did it, or i did it rather. but...yeah. i would do that. i remember buying 2 dumbbells at the nearby decathlon, lugging back a 15-lb and a 10-lb and i would literally do asymmetrical exercises with then. looking back, that was so difficult ! but i also couldn't really afford to go to a gym at the time.

my diet was pretty great. back when i lived in my old place, i would go to the wet market weekly to pick up pork, or chicken...peppers, spinach...fish...it would change a lot. i really miss that wet market because the prices and selections were great and it wasn't as gross as the one i have to go to now. i would religiously do a blueberry or peach honey yogurt for breakfast, the most simple, cheap breakfast ever. how was i able to survive on that??? (reflections on you are what you eat to come) lunch was usually subway at school, and dinner was whatever i had at home. i made a lot of dalkdoritang, i learned to make korean style marinated protein, lemongrass...tacos! but i remember, it was a lot of dalkdoritang haha. i would get pretty experimental too, like hot pot...but it was truly like....only boiled things or stir-fried things in my tiny kitchen. i don't know HOW i survived in that apartment. the living standards were so low but i think i was just truly enjoying my life there alone and becoming better at things i never thought i could. it was truly simple.

i continued to exercise and eat even when i was dating. the diet was similar...but i just got to make more. a lot of tacos, a lot of spice. it was hard though cos my place was small. when we moved, i made a lot of more amazing things...i made this steamed crab once...steak! that apartment was next to a pretty good supermarket. and that wellcome was great too. but it wasn't until we broke up, that i was pushed to grow even more. my dad was visiting and he had a hotel gym at the time, so i literally got started there. doing the chest press, and other machines, really did help me feel better about what i was going through. it was a good amount of stress relief, and after i met preston, i started going to anytime fitness.

i stayed in syp for a bit, and i ate mostly chappaghetti and marinated meats haha. and steamed eggs. the fridge was small...and i wasn't in the best place at the time. but i still kept on my fitness. i started eating creatine also. but going to the gym changed things so much because the gains then really started to pile on. my moobs were getting crazyyyyy.

now, i moved to where i am now and...what changed everything, was getting a toaster oven hbahahhaha. at this point, i think i truly was living soo modestly with just like a stove, but my toaster oven has become my staple...

i think now, i still do the same things as before. marinated meats are just super efficient for planning food for a week...the toaster oven is great for super quick simple cooked vegetables, and there's nothing like roasted potatoes and sweet potatoes with differnet marinades and sauces...i started using ghee and the buttery taste....just can't be replicated in boiled/stir-fried things...but it's also really easy. this kitchen is seriously difficult, but i'm quite used to the sink that doesn't drain well, the lack of space...idk. i think at this point, i've gotten used to shitty cooking conditions now that i'm writing about it. it's like i'm too used to it to miss anything better, but some things that i think would be nice to have would be like a blender for smoothies...a bigger oven? maybe? idk i love my toaster oven bahahaha. maybe more countertop space....and a bigger fridge for sureee would be great....but what i have is fine. obviously it could be improved...

i stil go to the gym, i started getting into swimming...i don't think i've made a lot of progress with my fitness in terms of increasing in level. maybe since a year ago it's improved, but it's so gradual. i've definitely seen guys make greater gains than i have in the...4 years? i've gotten into fitness...and i don't know how to make it past the difficulty level i am now, because it truly is a lot more maintenance in terms of protein, finance, energy levels, and also just mentality.

i appreciate the relationship i have with food now - i'm pretty strict but also i can let go in a healthy way. typically it's a bubble tea once a week or something, or if i'm feeling really crazy, just bad eats 3 days in a row. it usually depends on my mood, like i've been sick this week so i've kind of dropped the health. but once i'm past the block, i get back on the grind. yesterday, since i'm feeling better, i did a chest day and i felt soooo good and strong. i think i've been bad about resting.

i don't really feel bad about this because it kind of guards me - but even when i eat like something quite unhealthy, i mentally feel like i have a fatter stomach, so it makes me feel a little guilty....even like a one week bender probably wouldn't affect the literal years of investment i made....but...idk. i think its fine because i still feel OK. my rules for when i go out is i can eat as much as i want, so....

i think my lifestyle wouldn't work if i got together with people more for eats, but for me, my diet and fitness is pretty non-negotiable right now. i think i would be able to find ways to build it into my life if my lifestyle did change, like a different job, a different, blabla, but i'm sure i could figure it out.

anyways, but what i find interesting in reflecting on all of this is just like the natural evolution of things. i don't think anything has ever been a conscious imperative, like i must do cardio, or i must eat this, or i must blabla. everything has kind of been a feeling, like slowly weening out of the sad blueberry oatmeal breakfast in the morning, or exercise at night vs. morning. things kind of naturally went with who i was. the food i eat now is so much more flavorful than what i first ate in hk, and it's also a reflection of the place i live.

the tastes that i really am into right now are fruits, gummies, spicy, creamy, buttery, roasted, crunchy...

i like sour things, spicy things, salty things the most. i like sweet, i can do bitter, i can do umami, i like zingy, i like zesty, i like fruity, i like seafood...i like cilantro.

i eat most things, except celery. i wonder what that means? i just don't like that grassy taste. can someone explain?

anyways, i was thinking about this because this morning i broke a streak of eating ramen for breakfast. i got oatmeal for the first time in a long time, with chicken, egg, and hash brown. i didn't love it. and before, i would love it. and oatmeals is objectively boring, but it's healthy. but idk. i've been wanting the salty spicy ramen, which i think says something about who i am right now.

i always eat yogurt with a bunch of stuff on top now, i love the variety and the flavours.

i think i'm just in a very various mood.

i wonder years down the line, will my relationship to my diet change? will there be a day when i no longer want to take care of myself so well? and care about what i eat? i think about that one uncle i have who used to be so fit in his youth and now.....circle. i'm so sorry.

coke with every meal. original. are you crazy?

what happens when you grow up? your life has to become that...way? that joy only comes with food?

people who travel just to eat...i can't! regardless of the foods i make, i still think i eat to live, not live to eat...

it's interesting.

these days as the weather gets colder, slowly, gradually, and teasing...

i crave soup. i wanna make kamjatang again. i've been loving sesame leaves even though i hate them in my kimbap. i wanna make other soups. i'm gonna eat gopchang tonight. i love food. i love eeeet.

i want a cookie. i want a brownie.

anyways, thats all i got for this morning.

[renewingagain]

thursday 9 may 2024 // 10:48pm

im really sad today

benjamin and i had a talk about what we are and we both ended up really upset by it. in short-

ben wasn't expecting the conversation to go how it did. he wanted a positive outcome and the idea that we were going somewhere

i basically said i'm not sure. and it is because of the anxieties i face in every day life.

right now, i have been looking for jobs in london, to move down there and start a new life. lately i haven't found anything good

gentle reminder while i write this - perhaps i need to start looking outside of the civil service

anyway. because i dont know whats happening with my future right now, whether i move to london or back home to birmingham, i just don't think committing to him is a good idea

how would it work if we go long distance? would i be able to see him?

if i moved (jobless) would i even be able to afford to see him?

if i move in whether home or massi's, how would i be able to see him regularly? i wouldn't be able to have him over lol. yes, i could occasionally stay with him. but i can't do that all the time, i need to treat (whoever's) house with respect

is it wise to move to a new city in a fresh relationship? i have never been keen on long distance

in some ways i am still exploring sexuality and what it means - do i want to be tied down to someone?

all these thoughts are just wracking my brain. i do think the main thing above it all though is the fact that there is an incredible uncertainty about how my future looks with anyone i date in conjunction with family

it just sucks that this is the reality for me and other LGBT kids. ben, thank god for it, has a generally normal and accepting family and has never had to deal with any family-related unaccepting drama of him being gay. and how i envy him for that massively. i wish i had that but i don't

i had to bring this up to him yesterday when we had our chat to explain how i feel. he cried because his feelings were hurt. i cried because i push this deep down but i had to bring it to the surface for his sake. i woke up to him crying in the middle of the night which broke my heart. he is generally so happy and goofy, i care about him so much and i hate that i have upset him

it is a tricky situation, we have never really had a proper chat about where we are going. we went exclusive and didn't date other people but that was about it. i guess we both should have had the foresight to bring this up earlier as it probably could have saved some hurt. but here we are!

i said this to his face but i just want him to be happy again. i feel like i've shot a puppy. its all so weird because really we only properly started dating since the end of feb, but it has been about 2 and a half months of us actually intentionally seeing each other regularly. it doesn't seem like a long time in hindsight but it has felt like a while, we have seen each other a lot! and have chatted quite a lot

have i led him on? maybe? was i aware i was doing it? not really. yes, i know he likes me a lot. i like him a lot. i actually love spending time with him. but i just didn't really know what was gonna happen when either he or i move away. he had the intention of making it work whereas i don't think i did. i wish i could have that intention, but my anxiety about life and everything else i mentioned above gets in the way of it. i was just enjoying it for what it is

i need to not be too hard on myself. in many ways i am obviously blessed. like i say before, even though the world has no hope right now, i have a roof over my head. i have a job. i earn an ok amount which at the moment allows me to live somewhat comfortably, even though i can't save money on it right now. however, i am evidently dealing with a lot of scared thoughts, anxiety, still about being LGBT and how my family and people around me would react. i have come so far in it already but i feel like moving home or to massi's or wherever is taking a step back in to the closet a bit. i won't have the freedom i truly need to live authentically as sadly, not all of my family would agree and be happy with it. i don't have it like ben does and others and it sucks greatly. i wish i could bring a guy home easily, as is the norm??

it sucks furthermore that whoever i date, they would be dragged in to this horrible mess. i don't ever want to impose this on someone else. however, it weaves it's way in into even the situationships. because, i still don't understand myself too. i still want these freedom's and to sleep around because i never felt like i could before. now that im owning my sexuality and dating around, would i want to do that even more in a new city? i wish i had a better upbringing where my parents spoke to me properly about these kinds of things. i know neither of them are perfect and we don't all have perfect lives. i don't resent them and i love them tremendously. but this is an area where they have failed and they don't even know it. but i don't even blame them for it. they are a different generation and they have had different upbringings to the way they raised me. and i know they love me. it really isn't their fault that this is sadly the way it is. it is just the world we live in, full of disagreement, miseducation, religious aspects etc. but i most definitely don't resent them. i just wish that in my formative years, it was better. soooo much of what i have learn't about myself, my sexuality, i've truly just had to do it alone. it just is the way it is!

re ben- i don't know what to do. ideally: i could keep seeing him and just enjoy him for who he is. but am i warped? most people don't do that as the norm. people enter relationships or they don't. it is categorically unfair to expect him to go along with it casually and just enjoy it for what it is too. his feelings are too deep i think.

i need to know where his head is at when we reconvene

do we just end it then? do we just keep it going until he or i move? i don't even know if i could do that either. i would miss him when he goes. so its like what is the point of us still seeing each other. but i still want to. i just love his company and i just like hanging out with him. he's so silly. he's so sweet to me. sooooo sweet. he's very innocently beautiful

i wish i met him at another time in my life, not this point where i don't know what the fooook is going on

i feel like i accept too many things as being ok when they are not. my head just feels so warped, dull, and non-functioning right now. i feel like i can't think and that my brain just doesn't understand itself. i feel like a CPU trying to run several processes at once and then nothing happens besides error messages popping up saying they can't compute the tasks. my brain struggles to compute things and i can't think properly sometimes

on top of this, i am just generally feeling a bit hopeless again about what my future holds. it is going to be hard. but i must remember, really, i do have a wealth of information at my fingertips right now. a bit of tough love, but i am currently using a powerful machine, the macbook pro m3 which i am privileged to have. i also have a phone. rather than bloody doom scrolling, i can start to learn and research and actually just try things and learn new things all through the power of the internet. i just have to put the work in to find some resources but all the information really is here and available to me. for almost anything really.

i can still make music too and enjoy this. i can still go on a run too and enjoy that. because i have the freedom to do so

i don't want to feel lonely. i will miss ben when he goes. i don't want to stop talking to him. but yk, if we did stop talking, life does go on and he won't be the only good person i meet in my life. relationships come and go. i hope he knows it too that he is so loved. i wish he wasn't insecure, he's sexy and an absolute catch

[sunrisedriven]

1/29

I feel strange. I'm doing things I normally don't do - and no, not in a good way. In fact, it's very reminiscent of what happened in 2018, 2019, and even 2020. For the longest time, I wondered why I limited and lowered myself to these kinds of antics, and maybe it's partly because of how my body just operates, but when I was in a better place mentally, I didn't even bother to do these things in the first place. The thoughts were there, but the energy to act on them went elsewhere - healthier habits, and good ambitions. Things that benefit me now and in the long run. Not things that are overtly pleasure-seeking, instant, and brain-rotting, but hilariously human nevertheless.

Upon reflecting on those three instances, and what I am going through currently, I now realize that it comes up when I am wrestling with something I didn't quite understand. It's usually something that I am deeply confused about, and down-right salty about. I am rebelling for how things are playing out in front of me. It's usually when I notice that there are people who are doing quite well and do not deserve it. I do not understand and it feels really unfair.

There's something wrong and I am rebelling because of how unfair it is. And there's no other way to placate these feelings unless I watch these people struggle or I find myself or the people I am rooting for do exceptionally well or succeed at something. These days, I feel like I'm self-soothing by making poor financial decisions and buying things I cannot afford. I have this intense feeling to just spend money or else, I will most likely go back down the rabbit hole, make a fool of myself, and waste both my time and energy. I feel like God is absent in these situations and when I don't witness what I expect, like his rebuke and his wrath on these injustices, I feel really disconnected and I rebel, which burns me and my whole faith journey in the process.

The past few months, I have been learning all sorts of things about grace and how I should leave this mindset or ways of thinking in the past, and move on, but I can't seem to get over this hurdle and I don't know how. I want retribution. I want these people to burn and learn their lesson. I am absolutely disgusted. The thing is, in the past, I got burned. I was the one who fell. I ruined my own life. This righteousness destroyed me. And maybe I also, subconsciously, decide to pursue these actions that do not align with my faith, to counteract this righteousness and ground myself, but that, this is not helpful either. So frankly, I am at a loss here. I now know that I should have more grace and be more forgiving. I know that what I'm doing can really destroy a lot of the good that I have going for me. But I still don't know how to regulate or manage these feelings, this anger. Clearly, the answer here is to direct my attention elsewhere. I do not have to think about these people, but how? What is the right way to cope?

I have to distance myself sooner. I have to recognize the good in the situation sooner. I have to hold on to the good things. I have to trust in God's judgment. I need to pray to God for help to address this self-righteousness.

I am in school to better support myself and the people I love. It will cost me. Already has and it will continue to financially cripple me, but if I push through, the rewards are there. I am on the right path.

I have means, and I have means to save. I have time and I have the brains. I have good people in my life who deserve to meet me at my best. And God is with me.

If these things are true, then my dear, why do you rebel? There are certain thresholds to things because at the end of the day, you are human, and God understands that, but when you make the same mistake more than three times, something is incredibly wrong. Did you even learn from what happened to you six years ago?

This time around, you've got a lot of things going for you. Stop diminishing the God who turned things around for you. He is at work. He is calling for repentance. He is the same gracious God. But you must seriously know this and trust in it - God is also very fair. Very just. And God's timing is never wrong. He does not delay.

So get up. Stop what you're doing and stand up. There's a whole mountain we have to conquer. Perhaps God is requiring your obedience on this matter for the deliverance to happen to the right people. The enemy will try you because the goal is for you to crumble in their place.

You have been there before. You took the fall. By the grace of God, this shall not happen again. The time has come for you to rise, child. It is time.

See to it that you do. Rise.

[lefae]

Personal Update

On December 1, mom broke her ankle horribly enough to require surgery to fix it. I stayed with her through most of the hospital stay (I only came home one night because I have PTSD issues regarding that hospital and wasn't getting any sleep there because of it), and have had to spend most of my time since then at her house because she's completely non weight bearing and is incapable of much mobility at all on her own right now...

Given that I am physically disabled, with mobility issues - spinal damage and a once broken ankle that needs surgery again that I can't afford, both of which demand I severely limit the amount of time I'm on my feet or I risk losing my ability to walk completely even faster than I'm already losing it - you can just imagine the struggle that this is, given how difficult it is to simply take care of myself, much less another person. Add to that that we don't always get along when forced to be around each other for extended periods of time, and I don't get any chance to rest during my chronic illness flare-ups or to recover from them...

The rest of my family who had been helping with at least meals, running errands, and a couple overnight stays a week all have COVID right now as of December 24. Thankfully, there wasn't any family gathering, so neither mom nor I got sick, but that also means all of what minimal help and breaks I got have disappeared, to where it was a while production when I needed to get my aunt from the sperm donor's side of my family to give me a ride to the store to get a few things I needed for myself because no one else picked them up for me like they were supposed to.

I am bloody exhausted, in severe pain, dealing with severe depression on top of it all, because in all this, one thing has been made abundantly clear: it doesn't matter how fucking disabled I am, my family honestly doesn't give a shit and it's actively exploiting the fact that I'm unable to work (even if I found a job I could handle, it wouldn't be available here locally, the internet sucks to much to be able to do it remotely (plus they wouldn't leave me alone to do it regardless), and any commute would be insane even if it was in the immediate area since it's a 30 minute drive to the nearest fucking grocery store as it is, etc) to have me essentially work literally 24/7 with no compensation, I'm not even able to sleep in my own fucking bed, I don't have access to my computer at all most days, I have to work regardless of flare-ups or migraines or pain levels, and I've actively noticed a severe decrease in my own mobility trying to do this because no one else will, and the hospital sent her home instead of putting her in rehab like we were told they would because no one here was able to handle doing this but apparently that didn't matter and no one would listen to me when I tried to kick up a fuss despite my being the one who has had to do the vast majority of the work since, all while completely neglecting my own living space because I haven't even had time to go home and take out the fucking trash or clean out the fridge because apparently no one cares if I get sicker or permanently injured in all of this.

And the real kicker is when everyone else is being all "woe is me" because they miss my uncle who passed away in September, and expecting me to comfort them when I'm well past my breaking point to where I simply want to run away and never look back because I can't keep this up, I'm so tired and I'm so much pain and I'm scared that by the time this is over, I'm going to be unable to even stand on my own two feet anymore and it will be entirely their fault at that point and they'll just leave me to fend for myself like they've always done, yet expect me to push myself to the point of sickness and injury for them even when I say I'm not able to do it because they'll threaten me with taking away the financial support I'm dependent on them for.

So yeah... Don't expect a lot of activity from me right now, since I have a lot of trouble trying to type on touchscreens and I'm largely stuck on mobile for the foreseeable future. And if you can spare a few dollars so I can try to just order some things for myself to have it delivered rather than struggling and fighting with family to get any bloody help around here, I would deeply appreciate it (links to buymeacoffee & Amazon wishlists are in my pinned post, or it's possible to tip through this blog).

[venndiagramsindeepspace]

I Can't Do It Alone

2023/11/13

0:37 I'm writing again. I'm hungrier than usual. I'm hungry. Period. What should I eat? Ice cream? I already had some. Yogurt with fruit is the best bet. I'll go get some yogurt with fruit, and come back.

0:59

I got the yogurt, and a glass of orange juice because "fuck 'em" right?

I also put all the dishes away that were in the dishwasher.

What I was saying earlier is that me beginning to write again- recreationally- personally- is not a great indicator of my mental health. Pardon. It's a good indicator of my mental health- and it indicates that my mental health is not very good.

Really, it's been in decline since... well... it's been stable. But it's taken a couple L's. A couple arrows to the knee. Depending on your preferred Gen Z/millennial reference.

The first major blow was when I lost a big competition this summer. It was a huge opportunity afforded to me by a bonafide celebrity in the community. And I didn't knock it out of the park like I wanted to. The worst part was knowing that was due to my procrastination. It wasn't chance.

It was also sad because the celebrity in question was whispering promises of money and fame in my ear. Now I feel like I've lost his favor. That hurts.

The second major blow was probably the student election- which I lost. It wasn't the losing that time that was hard- it was how the election process interfered with my life at school. I was losing sleep, and sleeping in my parked car. The third blow is kind of a run off of the first- struggling to manage my course load and also my part-time work.

The thing is, I should be able to manage it. I get caught in this weird loop where I avoid the work- because I'm scared of it.

I'm scared of it for a couple reasons. The biggest reason in my mind, is that the work will be never ending, and that will be painful and intense.

These aren't unfounded fears.

The painful and intense part is a lived experience I've had time and time again. Usually it's due to me cramming last minute due to procrastination.

The part about the work never ending is also true. That is to say, I've experienced it before. It's hard to say where exactly. When I think about it- I think about my eating disorder.

That was hellish. I'm 25, and not to sound esoteric or grandiose- but I feel like I've lived multiple lifetimes.

I think most people have, in there own way.

My eating disorder was hellish. It was work and the work was never ending. It lasted for about three years. Each year becoming more and more intense, with more and more work.

Of course, this is different from say- sitting down and doing homework- but I'm still scared of the cold callousness that I treated myself with.

The whip that I strang myself with. Turning me into a dead-eyed machine- aching to meet an unattainable goal. That scares me. And beneath that- is a fear of being ignored. Unseen. Unfelt.

That is not unfounded either.

I don't want to point fingers. But, pointing fingers is different from bowing to acknowledge something.

I don't want to stand high on a cliff and chastize and wane and burn spittle and fangs in the direction of someone.

Because that hurts me too. It isolates me further, pushes me away.

But something happened. And it wasn't just one something. It was a hundred million somethings. Okay- probably like a hundred thousand. Or maybe less than- but they were tiny invisible scars. Death by a thousand cuts. I'm watching Blue Eyed Samurai right now. Can you tell?

Basically- what I'm saying is that my mum can still hurt me sometimes. Even if she's not aware of it.

It's me telling her something, and her cutting me off with a new thought. Like she wasn't listening. Or her nodding and uh-huhing while looking at her iPad.

My parents both have busy minds.

And that scares me. My mum has scared me especially.

I'm scared because- I'm scared of being reproached when I asking for what I need. Validation. An ear. A hug. Someone to tuck me in. You don't need food. The hunger makes you stronger. You don't need rest. The pain makes you resilient. You don't need love. You can do it on your own.

But you can't, and it doesn't and it never did.

I do need love. I do need love. I do need love. And it's so scary to say. And it's painful when the people you need to survive fall short of the mark.

But I don't want to hold anger towards my mum. I love her. She's my mum.

I don't have to do everything alone.

I shouldn't have to do everything alone.

But I do have to look out for myself.

[grison-in-space]

Pushing back against GATFAR and other activists were researchers and parents arguing that autistic people who are non-speaking or intellectually disabled — and their families — are at risk of being left behind and forgotten about. They’ve likened some of the arguments made by autistic advocates to censorship that could drive young scientists out of the field.

This is especially funny to me as an autistic scientist who is moving cautiously into autism research after doing my PhD in an entirely different field. Thing is, I know at least four to six autistic people, including myself, who deliberately did not go into autism research when embarking on their research careers because the literature was just too fucking dehumanizing.

We had a work retreat on Monday involving inviting a scholar from Critical Disability Theory to come and give a talk about incorporating neurodivergent people's perspectives into research on neurodivergence (which both labs involved do). It was certainly an interesting conversation; I'm still disentangling all the residual feelings that keep churning to the surface even days later. Some of those are about choosing to out myself, first as autistic and secondly as specifically a childhood diagnosis, to an audience that includes people I don't know well; some of them are about connecting to someone else in this environment for whom I did not have to play teacher; all of them are about the experience of seeing and being seen.

Anyway, that same pushback argument came up, the one about needing to advocate for people who have no voice because they're nonverbal. The disability scholar pointed out that there are lots of ways of speaking that don't involve voices, and that technological innovations to improve communication are improving dramatically, and emphasized the importance of listening to as many autistic people of all experiences as possible.

But I thought there was something missing, so I added: there is a dichotomy that I see over and over again in the minds of allistic people in this conversation. Either you can be high-functioning/low-support/high-masking, and you're basically normal: you don't need any real support beyond, perhaps, self knowledge, and you can be trained to act like anyone else, and in return you can access all the citizen-human freedoms and dignities that aren't afforded to disabled people who need more support... but you really don't have any dog in this conversation, because you don't need help like the real autistics do.

Or you can be low functioning/high-support/low masking, and you definitely count as a real autistic and you certainly need accommodations and care, but also your voice isn't real: you can't be expected to understand all the complexities of the situation, or how tired caregivers get. You can speak as long as the people with the power like what you say, but your voice is qualified and you get only as much freedom as your caregivers find convenient.

Anyway, I said, I've been diagnosed for twenty years and I don't think I've ever had supports of any kind beyond some training on more effective masking and extremely consistent explicit reminders that being autistic is a shameful secret I should never disclose to anyone. I smiled. My abilities to cope change with my circumstances, I pointed out; I do a lot worse when I'm under stress, like my house flooding. I miss the old saying about trying to split up autistics being like cleaving meat loaf at the joints: there are so many of us and we exist on all kinds of multidimensional spectra, and there just really aren't any clear bimodal splits within the population that cleanly bisect the community.

“That’s what autistic people have been saying for decades…But we’re not believed. We’re not seen as credible agents of knowledge about our own lives.”

[plunniesattack]

Growing Up From You (pt 1)

For the LBSC Secret Admirer Exchange 2022!

Marinette was surprised yet happy that Juleka had reached out and invited her to hang out. After of course having a mini freak out and making sure that the invite was sent on purpose because Juleka could've meant to text someone else and she didn't want to show up if it was an accident- Bottom line was, the Amber eyed girl did invite her out and would be meeting at the small coffee shop in fifteen minutes. Idly the budding designer wondered what she would think when Marinette showed up on time. The shop was decently busy but not overly so and Marinette spotted Juleka right away. She was sitting with her back to the door and by herself which puzzled the ravenette for a moment as she made her way to the table.

"Hey, Juleka! Just us today?" Okay, that sounded bad.

"Rose was busy but I also wanted to talk to you alone."

Marinette froze awkwardly halfway to sit down, prompting her friend to laugh at her and sit down hastily. As a peace offering, the taller girl slid a piece of apple pie across the table.

"You asking me, the daughter of baker parents, to cheat on them with this apple pie?"

"Whatever weirdo, I actually have something serious to talk about. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine?" Blue eyes blinked in confusion at the baleful look from Juleka.

"I mean it. You just finished a huge and very impactful chapter of your life."

"Oh. You're talking about me leaving Adrien." A small frown pinched the designer's face and she leaned back in her chair, ignoring the pie completely now. "I'm fine, honest. Yeah, it was hard but it's what I needed to do. No matter what anyone else says, I made the best choice because no one else would. It sucks, sometimes it hurts and sometimes I wish things were different. Sometimes I wish this whole thing didn't even happen but I can't afford to live in the past anymore, I refuse to."

There was a quiet silence at the table for a few moments, both processing the words that sat heavily between them. Marinette used the excuse of needing a drink to escape and went to the counter to look over the menu. The line was short but the other customers were picky enough that it gave her a few much-needed minutes before it was Marinette’s turn and placed her simple order for an iced mocha coffee. She couldn’t help but glance over at the table a few times but each time Juleka was on the phone and looked relaxed, probably chatting with her girlfriend.

“Order for Marinette!” Turning back, the designer took her drink and made the short but nerve-wracking walk back to the table, and slipped into the seat with a worried frown. The musician took a couple moments to finish her text and take a sip of her drink before Marinette’s nerves broke.

“You’re not going to tell me I should give him another chance? Or that I should hear him out? Apologize for ignoring him in his time of need? Being selfish and thinking only of myself? That I walked away from something meant to be, I just was scared to put in the work? Nothing?”

“Do you want me to?” Juleka asked very seriously, staring directly into surprised blue eyes in a rare show of how serious she was. "Look, back in the beginning, I admit it was a match made in heaven. It seemed you just both needed a push to realize what was right in front of you. And I apologize."

"What, Juleka you don't-"

"I do Marinette. I may not have all the details but rumor mills are based on half-heard truths and I'm sure you're tired of being told you're a bad person and how wrong you are when no one is putting the same pressure on him."

The designer was shell-shocked, to say the least, Marinette never imagined that this is how the conversation would go. Juleka basically undid every nail in the coffin she felt trapped in for the last couple of weeks. Some of the girls weren’t even talking to her right now or maintained a distant but polite attitude if they were. Only Rose had even tried to maintain their relationship but both girls led busy lives and it was rare to actually get in touch.

“Look, I know you didn’t break up with him just because and I’m sure there was a reason but you haven’t had the chance to talk about it yet. I want to hear it if you want to share it.” Juleka lowered her eyes, her speech done, and idly fiddled with her pastry.

“You sound like someone else I know.” Marinette teased, grinning back at the small smile the taller girl had. “Yeah there’s a ton of little things and it just adds up you know? Good things, worthwhile things always take work and patience and time- I gave it my all. Gave him my all and it just… Wasn’t enough.” When she sighed, it felt like she deflated or the strings that were controlling her movements were finally cut. Half-heartedly the raven-haired teen finished her pie, her Maman could make it way better.

“Next time I’m totally invading your parents' bakery.” Juleka muttered, also not able to finish her slice.

“Don’t do it too often or they’ll go broke feeding you for free.”

“There’s a tip jar.” Marinette laughed at the dry humor from the other girl, she had missed this.

“Are you doing anything after this?” “Nope, got any ideas?” “A few…” Marinette grinned mischievously and they cleaned up their table before leaving.

[helloalycia]

worth the wait [two] // daisy johnson

summary: same as the first chapter – it was too long to post in one so this is the remainder of it!

part one | part three | part four | part five | part six | masterlist | wattpad

"What do you think?"

I raised an eyebrow as I poked my head inside the van, glancing around at the cramped space that had stupidly been turned into a living space. There was also, weirdly enough, a computer in the corner which made absolutely no sense.

"I think I have no idea what I'm looking at," I admitted, before looking to an excited Skye beside me. "What is this?"

She bit her lip to contain her grin as she patted the van's door proudly. "This is my new rig."

I almost laughed. "You're kidding."

Her smile lessened. "I'm not."

Now I definitely laughed. "Skye, c'mon, be serious. Whose van is this?"

Her smile disappeared as she clenched her jaw with annoyance. "It's mine. Sorry it isn't fancy enough for you, your majesty."

When I realised she was serious, I lost my smile and looked between the van and her. "Skye, where the hell did you get a van? You can't even drive!"

Clearly holding in her anger, she began to push past me and slide the doors shut. "He said you wouldn't get it," she mumbled to herself, but I heard.

"He?" I questioned with raised eyebrows. "Who the hell is he?"

"Miles," she snapped, stopping moving and looking to me. "Miles is the one who got me the van. He said it was a bad idea to show you and clearly he was right, Y/N. You took one look at it and laughed. He was right."

I smiled tightly, trying not to get worked up at the mention of Skye's new friend. She'd befriended this 'Miles' guy within the past few months and wouldn't stop meeting with him and his friends. He was in the grade above us, but just like her, he'd skip class and do God knows what.

Ever since she'd been hanging around them, she'd been standoffish and distant. She wouldn't contact me as much when she ran away, and she'd been skipping school more often than usual. They were clearly a bad influence on her, but she reassured me she was in control of her own life and knew what she was doing. Being the idiot I am, I fell for her pretty smile and convincing eyes, but this was getting too far now.

"No offence, Skye, but I wouldn't start listening to a guy who can't even make it to class on time," I said to her with a hint of annoyance. "Why do you need a van anyway?"

"Why not?" she countered with her arms crossed. "I thought you'd be happy that I'm finally taking responsibility. Growing up."

My expression softened. "I've never once said that you had to do either of those things."

"You don't need to say it," she mumbled, looking down at her shoes with a frown. "I know you think it. Everyone does."

I stepped forward, resting a hand on her shoulder and finding her eyes with mine. "Where is this coming from? Skye, I have never thought that. All I've ever wanted for you is to be safe and happy. I'm just worried."

She shrugged me off. "Well, now you don't need to be. I've got this."

"You're seventeen, you should be in school studying, not staying in a van," I said tiredly. "You've been missing so much. How are you gonna graduate?"

She avoided my eyes. "That's another thing... I've been thinking and, well, I don't think I want that."

I widened my eyes with disbelief. "What?"

Still avoiding my eyes, she continued, "I don't think I want to graduate."

I was too surprised to find words so quickly. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"How can you not want to graduate?!" I asked suddenly, finding my words. "It's what you do! It's what we all do!"

She met my eyes with apologetic ones. "It's what you do, Y/N. I don't want to be at a place that makes me feel like shit. I can't keep pretending I fit in when I don't."

"This isn't you," I told her sternly. "We were supposed to graduate together. You're not stupid, Skye. I can help you study. You can't just give up."

"I'm not," she said with certainty. "I finally know what I'm doing. That's all."

I squeezed my fists together to contain my frustration. "And what's that?"

"The Rising Tide–"

"For fuck's sake!" I cut her off, before hitting the van door with frustration.

"Miles has taught me a lot!" she defended. "They do a lot of good, Y/N! I just want to be apart of something bigger. Something that can help me help others. And something that can help me find my family. My real family."

I clenched my jaw, knowing I was too late in convincing her otherwise. Whatever Miles and the others had told her about their stupid hacking group had worked – she was dropping out of high school and there was nothing I could do to stop her.

"You're gonna be going to university and we both know I can't afford it," she said gently. "We couldn't stay together forever, Y/N. And my foster family definitely don't care what happens to me. I don't fit in anywhere."

I looked to her with glassy eyes. "You fit in with me. You always have."

She pursed her lips as she stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry I didn't make that clear enough," I added bitterly.

"That's not it and you know it," she muttered, shaking her head. "I have to do this. I have to figure myself out. Alone."

I felt stupid for letting her do everything she did leading up to this point. If I had just tried a little harder, maybe things could have been different.

"You're not alone though, are you?" I asked rhetorically. "You've got your new pals at the Rising Tide. It's their damn fault you're doing all this."

"They're not as bad as you think!"

"You've changed because of them!" I argued back. "They created a barrier between you and I. It's because of them that you've... that you've..."

"What?" she snapped, glaring at me. "That I'm finally thinking for myself?!"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and straightened up. "Forget it, just– forget it. I've got a midterm to study for."

She snickered harshly. "Of course. Don't want me slowing you down."

I stayed quiet and turned around to leave. I couldn't see past my anger as I left her with her stupid van. 

Of course, the two of us had been friends for a lot longer than that silly argument, so I was quick to realise how much I actually cared about her and her life, and wanted to apologise for how harsh and unsupportive I sounded.

The next day after school, I decided to head over to her foster family's place to hopefully talk to her. I'd had enough time to think about it and knew I was a lot more levelheaded now that I'd had some space.

I knocked on the front door and waited before an older blonde woman answered. I recognised her as Skye's foster mum, Sally.

"Hi, Mrs Collins," I greeted with a smile. "I'm looking for–”

"Mary doesn't live here anymore," Sally cut me off instantly, surprising me.

I had almost forgotten that Skye's foster family knew her as the name she was given by her orphanage – Mary Sue Poots.

"She doesn't?" I asked with confusion. "But I thought–"

"Goodbye, Miss Y/L/N," Sally interrupted, before slamming the door in my face.

I blinked with confusion before turning around and walking down the steps. It had been a while since I last visited Skye at home. In fact, she made sure I never visited her at home. I guess now I knew why. But then where the hell was she living?

As I walked around the neighbourhood trying to think about where Skye could be, I saw a familiar van parked up on the side of the street and put the pieces together.

Guiltily, I approached the van and sucked up a deep breath before knocking on the side. It didn't take long for the door to slide open and reveal Skye herself.

"Hey," I said quietly, noticing her surprised expression. "Can we talk?"

She licked her lips nervously and nodded, before moving to the side to let me in. I climbed inside and watched as she shut the door before settling on the seat in front of me. I looked around and realised the little details I hadn't noticed yesterday. The little things that made this place Skye's and nobody else's.

"I'd offer you a drink, but I don't have any," she joked to lighten the mood, and I couldn't help but crack a small smile.

I breathed out before meeting her eyes. "Skye, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have reacted like that. If I had known that this was your home, I–"

"You didn't know," she said, shaking her head with embarrassment. "I didn't want you to know. It's my fault."

I pursed my lips, watching as she looked away with pink cheeks. It hurt me to know that she was embarrassed when I didn't care about any of this, I just cared about her.

"I want you to know that I respect your decision to join the Rising Tide," I said gently, making her look up. "If it's what you want, you should go for it."

"It is," she said with certainty.

I chewed on the inside of my mouth before asking, "Is there no way you can finish high school though? Graduate with me?"

She shook her head. "I don't want to, Y/N."

"But that's the bare minimum," I pleaded. "Hacking isn't a lifestyle. You need to work, too, and I can promise you that most places won't look to hire a high school dropout."

She leaned back in her seat and shrugged nervously. "Miles isn't graduating either. And he's got some friends who haven't graduated. They're all doing fine."

I looked down and pinched the bridge of my nose to contain my frustration. I promised myself I wouldn't argue with her, but the mention of her other friends was like a trigger.

"What now?" she asked with annoyance, realising I was annoyed. "You clearly have something to say about them."

"It doesn't matter," I said, biting my tongue.

"Sure it doesn't," she played along.

"It doesn't," I agreed.

"Yeah, and the Hulk isn't bright green," she said sarcastically.

I looked up and glared at her. She stared back challengingly, practically daring me to speak. So, I did.

"Your new hacker friends are the reason you're making these choices," I told her straight. "They're the reason you're making a huge mistake. The reason you're dropping out. And for what? So you can hack like them?"

She rolled her eyes. "I know you look down on us, but we're more than that."

"Skye, I don't give a shit about them!" I shouted without meaning to. "I only care about you!"

"Then stop talking crap about my friends!" she returned angrily.

"Why do you care about them so much?!"

"They gave me a place to stay when I had nowhere! They made me feel like I belonged!"

I frowned, anger replacing with hurt. "I always offered you a place to stay. I only ever wanted you to be safe. You never needed to be different with me. You belonged. Always."

She swallowed hard and looked away from me ashamedly. "Well it doesn't matter anymore. I'm leaving."

I breathed out deeply. "School? Our town? Leaving what?"

"All of it," she said quietly. "I don't expect you to understand."

I looked down to my fumbling hands, a tear slipping from my eye. I had never felt so angry at someone before in my life. She was treating me like I was a stranger, as if I wasn't somebody who knew her inside out. She was treating me like she treated everyone else except her new friends. And I couldn't deal with it anymore.

"Fine," I said, before moving to open the door. I jumped out her van and didn't spare her a glance as I said, "Have fun with the rest of your life. Sorry I didn't care enough."

She didn't say anything and I didn't expect her to. With a broken heart and headache, I left and didn't bother turning back.

—

"What do you mean she's run away?"

"I'm sorry, Y/N," Mr Lock said apologetically. "Her foster family got the note this morning. They're doing what they can to find her. She always turns up, you know that."

I knew her family didn't care if she was gone or not, so I knew Skye definitely wouldn't be found. Unlike usual, Skye hadn't contacted me before leaving, so something told me she wouldn't be turning up.

Our argument was over a week ago and I hadn't seen her since. It had been eating away at me the way we'd left things, but I couldn't find it in myself to face her. I had no idea what to say anyway. And I wasn't sure when she was planning on leaving, so I didn't think it was important right now. Clearly, I was wrong.

"I just thought you should know," Mr Lock said with a nod. "The police will come by soon to get a statement from you."

As usual. Except this time, I actually had no idea where she was.

I nodded, my mouth going dry. "Thank you... can I go now?"

He nodded hesitantly. "Of course."

I left his office and headed straight outside behind the bleachers where nobody could hear or see me. The first thing I did was try to ring Skye, but there was no answer and no way to leave a voicemail. I tried several times, hoping she'd pick up, but she didn't. And that's when I remembered the burner phone.

Immediately pulling it out, I turned it on and saw the message from her appear on my screen. I was quick to open it, my heart racing like it did every time she ran away. I knew she wasn't coming back this time though.

Hey, Y/N. I know you probably hate me, but I felt like I owed you this. I said I was leaving and I have. I can't tell you where. And I'm not good at goodbyes. I've had too many of them and I couldn't bring myself to say it to you. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I never wanted to, but I guess some things are inevitable, huh? I've managed to do it all my life, this isn't any different. I'm just sorry if I hurt you in the process. Anyway, this is pretty long and I don't even know if you read it, but yeah. I'm sorry. I wish things could have been different.

The text ended there and I found myself rereading it to myself over and over, her words imprinted in my mind. I knew we'd argued and exchanged hurtful words, but I never in a million years thought she'd leave without saying goodbye. I thought I meant more to her than this. But no. I was just another foster family she ran away from. And I wasn't so sure I'd see her again.

[galacticxcosmos]

𝐖𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐞 ❣︎ ᵏᵗʰ

Pairing :- Taehyung X Reader

Genre :- Bestfriends to Lovers AU, Erotic, Angst, Romance and Fluff.

Rating :- 18+ ( M )

Word Count :- 4.4k

Summary :- "Not everyone in this world deserves to be loved. I am one of those little number of unfortunate people" that's what you thought after your terrible breakup which led you to your bestfriend's appartment at midnight to seek comfort until things went way beyond just 'comfort'.

Warnings :- It's CEO Taehyung (but no office romance shit), Broke college student, Dom Taehyung, Sub reader, Some angst that idk how I managed to write, Sexual Tension, Buried feelings, Past feelings, Teasing, Morning Sex, Daddy Kink, Pinning, Oral (M receiving), Unprotected Sex, After care (omg) with fluff (omg).

A/N :- I know that I haven't been very active on Tumblr, but trust me I am trying my best, also I am still working on the next chapter for "Chemicals Collide", so please be a little more patient. Also I got inspiration for this Oneshot from Jungkook's cover, I think you guessed it already, but then I saw I had already written a JK Oneshot, so I gave this to Tae baby. Enjoy~

Not everyone in this world deserves to be loved. I am one of those little number of unfortunate people.

I could feel the numb pain in my stomach, feeling like I am going to throw up, going back and forth between feeling nothing and being unable to stop the tears. All I  could think about was if this is really the end. I picked up my pace, now breaking into a fast jog towards Taehyung's house. Tears we're rapidly streaming down my face, uncontrollable at this point. I sprinted through the apartment complex, my legs moving as quickly as they could to get to him. I wiped my face with my sleeve as I got to his floor, a failed attempt to make myself look slightly okay.

I knew Taehyung would see right past these attempts though, he'll quickly understand that I've been sobbing with one glance in my direction. He knew me too well. After knocking on the door, there was a faint thud before someone cautiously opened the door. Taehyung stood there, slightly disheveled with the smell of alcohol dripping off of him. Right, Saturday means Taehyung gets shit faced every night. Although intoxicated, he quickly realised I wasn't okay. "What happened? Did someone hurt you? Do I need to go and fight someone?" He slurred slightly, stepping outside. I chuckled, placing a hand on his chest and pushing him back into the apartment before he got the both of us locked out.

"How many have you drank?" I asked, going to the kitchen and grabbing a water bottle to give him. My legs were threatening to give out, but he should property drink something besides alcohol before he puts himself in a coma. I walked over to where he sat on the couch, handing him the water bottle before going to pick up bottles. Sure, drinking was absolutely terrible and Taehyung may have developed a problem. I just never comment on it because we all have our own ways of dealing with things, not all of them being good. After cleaning up his expensive ass apartment, I went to sit down with him. He was quietly watching TV, taking interest in some show that showed people getting hurt. He was slowly sipping his water, showing barely any interest in the almost full bottle he held in his hand.

"Tae, I asked, how many have you drank?" I asked again. "I counted like 10 while cleaning up." Taehyung didn't say anything, just shrugging as he propped his feet up on the ottoman. I sighed, following his actions and getting comfortable. It must be nice to have an apartment to yourself and not be stuck in a crammed dorm room with another person. Must be nice to not go to school and struggle everyday. Nice to not have your heart broken on the day of your anniversary. Without noticing, a small sob fell from my lips, catching Taehyung's attention instantly. Worry was written across his face as he peered over to me, one eyebrow raised.

"What happened?" He mumbled, moving to wrap one arm around me. He held me close to him, a mix of his cologne and alcohol filling my nose. "He broke up with me." I mumbled, another sob falling from my lips. I wrapped my arms around Taehyung's toned torso, hugging him like there was no tomorrow. "Isn't it your anniversary? Didn't you text me earlier today about everything?" He asked gently, trying not to make it seem like a big deal. Another sob fell, making him realise that maybe it wasn't a good idea to pull on that string. He sighed, moving so he could easily pull me into his lap. I quickly straddled him in order to bury my face in his neck.

My arms still held onto his torso as he wrapped his arms around me. He must've closed the water bottle and tossed it aside sometime earlier, deciding it was more important to comfort me. So, how the hell did a broke college student become best friends with one of the youngest CEOs in Seoul? It honestly still amazes me that we're even still friends, that I get the pleasure of being his best friend. He's everything you'd want in a person. Caring, beautiful, fit despite his work schedule, one of most hardworking people you'll ever meet.

We've been friends since we were teens, simple freshmen stuck together for a lab experiment. Thinking back on it, it's sort of funny because the first thing he ever said was I like your shirt. I smiled slightly, thinking back on the fond memories. Taehyung and I are some of the closest of people, and we're always joined at the hip when we aren't busy. I mean, we grew up together, figured out college together, lost our virginity to each other. I chuckled slightly thinking about it. Two teens frustrated and scared to lose it to someone who didn't know us. It just sort of played out one night, safe word established quickly since Taehyung was so worried. Taehyung shuffled slightly under me.

"What are you laughing about, Miss?" He teased, jabbing my sides. He's always loved fucking with me, and knew how to get on my nerves in just a few attempts. I decided to lie, figuring that, if he even remembered that night, he wouldn't want to hear about it. I shrugged, shoving my face into his neck further. "I was thinking about science when we were paired together." I said, my focus going to my shirt that was riding up slightly. Taehyung paid no attention to it, his hands resting on the bare skin of my back.

"Ugh, don't remind me." He laughed before mocking himself. "I like your shirt." I laughed, shaking my head at him. I sat up, my hands placed on his chest. He seemed tired, but sobering up a bit. His hands released my torso, going to wipe the tears off my cheeks. I smiled slightly before climbing off his lap and standing back up. "Finish drinking your water." I said, tossing the bottle over to where he was sitting. I walked into his living room, opening up the fridge and seeing what was there. I shrugged, settling on leftover takeout I'm assuming was from the shop near his work. I tossed it into the microwave before calling out to Taehyung.

"Do you want anything?" I asked, waiting for a response. "You." A small reply came, unsure and small compared to his normal loud ass. I laughed at him before asking the question once more. He simply said nothing, stating he wasn't hungry. He usually isn't when he drinks anyway. I took the takeout out, walking back into the living room. I sat and ate, making sure not to spill anything because I definitely couldn't afford to buy him a new one. This couch is probably my salary, the boy's got money. "Are you okay?" He asked, reaching over to rub my thigh. "Didn't I tell you he was a dick though? You should date better people. Like me."

I laughed at him, playfully swatting his hand away from me. I went back to my food, not paying attention to the hand creeping up towards my thigh once more. He rubbed his hand up my thighs once more, smiling slightly. "Taehyung, you're drunk." I mumbled, shoving food into my mouth once more.

Taehyung moved once more, placing his hand on my arm. Whines immediately came from me, complaining about the food and expensive couch. "Taehyung, I'm going to spill this on your couch and you're going to be mad at me" I threatened. "Fuck it. I can buy a new one." He mumbled, reaching up to smack the food out of my hand. I jerked my arm away, setting the tray down on the coffee table. "No you can't you drunk cunt." I mumbled, jumping over and pulling him down on the couch. I curled up under his arm, my face buried in his chest while I placed my arm on his side. He smiled, looking up at the TV after placing a kiss on my forehead. He held me closer, and continued to hold me until I drifted off to sleep.

∆∆∆

The sound of shuffling woke me up, my eyes barely adjusting to the bright light. Taehyung was shuffling next to me, struggling to get up. I let out a small grunt, moving so he could easily stand up. He apologized before running off to what I assumed was the bathroom. I smashed myself into the corner of the couch, trying to gain back the warmth that just left. Taehyung's chuckles filled the room as he passed by the living room, walking into the kitchen. He was probably going to go grab pain killers and a water. He waltzed back to the couch, plopping down. I let out a small grunt of disapproval.

"Come on, go and do your classes." He said, pulling me by my shirt towards him. He's always used his strength to do whatever, and it gets annoying every now and then. "Would you stop pulling me around like a ragdoll?" I said, rolling over to look at him. He had a smirk on his face, missing his shirt that he was previously wearing. "Go get a shirt on" I said. "No." He said, dropping a water bottle and laying down. I rolled over, cuddling into his warm embrace. His golden skin always give off warmth, and god I loved it. "Shouldn't you have classes to attend?" Taehyung asked, wrapping his arms around me. I rolled my eyes at him, wondering how stupid he has to be to not understand.

"I just got my heart broken yesterday, why would I want to do anything?" I mumbled, "I just want comfort and to rest for awhile." Taehyung nodded, holding me. He mumbled something that I didn't quite catch, but I was too lazy to ask what he said. "Why do you date douchebags? I mean, they don't give you the love you deserve and end up breaking your heart. You should find someone that actually cares about you." He mumbled, tangling his legs with mine. "Why does it matter to you Taehyung?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Because you come to my apartment at like 3 am sobbing usually. And you shouldn't even be out at that time, with someone else or alone for that matter. It's not safe. And you deserve better." He mumbled. "Would you stop worrying about that? I'll be okay." I could barely even finish my sentence when Taehyung crashed his lips onto mine, our lips molding together within seconds. Taehyung pulled away slightly, attaching his lips on to my jaw. My breath hitched, hands moving to grab at his arms.

"Taehyung, I don't think this is a good idea." I mumbled, his movements coming to a stop and his body stiffing. "I just mean we're probably just confused and I just broke up and you're a famous CEO hooking up with a college st-" I knew if I asked, he would immediately stop. It's not that I was afraid of him doing something stupid, I was afraid of the underlying feelings I had for my best friend. The feelings that make me want to cherish and love him just as much as have him fuck my brains out.

"Tell me y/n, do you really think I don't notice?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Think I don't notice the looks you give me when you think I'm not paying attention? You rubbing together your thighs when you're around me?". "Taehyung I still don't think-", "You don't think this is a good idea because you're afraid. You'll have a real man now, someone that will love and appreciate you as well as please you? Listen, I have no problem with that as long as you return it." He mumbled, moving over to whisper in my ear. "Do you know how much you affect me?"

He licked my ear, sucking slightly causing me to whimper. My eyes were screwed shut, head cocked to side. He climbed around so he could be on top, grinding our hips together slightly. His bulge rubbed against my thigh, rock hard. "Taehyung-", "Waste it on me y/n. Your love, please just this once. You waste it on everyone else, so why not me? Why not your best friend that's in love? Please, it's not going to hurt if it's just once." He mumbled, locking eyes with me. "Taehyung-", "Daddy." He corrected, is he serious right now?? He wants me to fill in his kinks now??

"Taehy-", "Did you not hear me babygirl?" He said, staring down at me. I gripped his torso, wondering how the hell I got myself into this situation. How I ended up here, with him. "Daddy, please." I said, coming out more whiny than I expected. He smirked slightly, a look of confidence flushing over his face. "What babygirl? Tell me so I can please you." He said, moving so his face was a mere millimeters away. "Kiss me."

He did, quickly getting rid of the space in between us. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. My hands tangled in his hair, pulling slightly. His hips slightly rolled into mine, pulling a moan from the both of us. Taehyung's hands slipped down, running up and down my sides, stopping to squeeze slightly. His hands found their way to my ass, squeezing and rubbing. "Daddy~" I whined, rolling my hips up into his. He let out a small groan, moving to place hot, open mouthed kisses all along my neck. He stopped to suck a small bruise here and there, making sure to leave his mark.

His hands slipped into my shirt, squeezing my sides. I giggled slightly, jerking away from the ticklish action. Taehyung smiled up at me before slipping my shirt up and eventually over my head. My arms instinctively went to cover my skin, Taehyung clicking his tongue slightly. "Come on babe, don't make me tie you up." He mocked, smirking at me. My eyes widened slightly, taking Taehyung back for a moment. "God, I don't remember a freak in highschool.", "Oh my God. Please don't." I said, staring at him. He's referring to losing our virginity to each other, embarrassing.

"So shy and innocent-", "I don't remember such a cocky shit in the bedroom either? You think you've gotten better?" I challenged. "I know I've gotten better." He answered. He's so full of himself. "Whoever cums first, loses." I challenged, staring up at him. He looked taken back. I smiled, sitting up in order to push him back on the couch. I straddled him, sitting on his hips as I took my bra off and tossed it somewhere across the room. Taehyung's hands flew up, squeezing and pinching what he could manage. I let out a small whine when he took a sensitive bud in between his fingers, twisting it roughly. My hips involuntary rolled, Taehyung's hips jerking up. I moved, going to pull on his shorts. The more I pulled down, I realized he wasn't wearing any underwear.

"This was your plan all morning?" I questioned. "Nope, just when I seen you over here looking like a fresh baked snack." He said, making me laugh at how stupid he was. I rolled my eyes, kissing his hips slightly. Once his shorts were off, he wasted no time kicking them halfway across the room. I giggled slightly, laying down on the couch so I was level with his cock. Taehyung threw his head back, his breathing becoming uneven. I licked a long stripe from bottom to top, stopping at the top to flick my tongue along his tip. I slowly wrapped my lips around his tip, sinking down slightly before coming back up. I took inch by inch until he hit the back of my throat, sinking down a bit more before coming up. A low moan fell from Taehyung as I swallowed around him, his hips involuntary bucked up into my mouth.

I fought off my gag reflex, hallowing my cheeks around him. I let him face fuck me, his hands roughly controlling my head to please himself. A loud whine fell from him, grabbing my hair and pulling my head up an off. He wrapped his fingers around his base, squeezing. Once he calmed down, he looked up at me. "Okay Miss, your turn." He said before basically pouncing on me. Our lips connected in a rush, molding together as his hands slipped into my jeans. He popped open the buttons with ease, sliding my jeans down my legs. His warms hands squeezed my thighs, coming up to link his fingers with my lace panties.

He pulled away from the kiss, locking eyes with me quickly before sinking down. He gently pulled off the lace, tossing it aside. After a bit, he nipped at my thigh, sucking a bruise. He continued nipping at my thighs, making me get more and more impatient. "Daddy! Please!" I whined, my hips bucking up. He moved, licking a long stripe. I whined as me began sucking on my clit, flicking his tongue every now and then. My hands were buried in his hair, resisting the urge to crush his head with my thighs.

I felt Taehyung's smirk, wrapping his arms around my thighs and pinning me down. I bucked my hips into his mouth, a low moan falling from my lips. "Taehyung, slow down." I whined, my legs shaking in his arms. He did, slowing down his tongue flicks. He let go one of my legs, moving his finger to me gently. Slowly, he pushed his finger in knuckle deep. I couldn't fight the loud moan that fell from me.

"God I fucking love your thighs." He mumbled, drawing circles where one of his arms was still wrapped around me. "So thick and full, so much better than the sticks that throw themselves at me." A small laugh came from me, shaking my head at him. "I'm sure you've had plenty of those sticks in here." He shook his head, drawing his finger out slowly before pushing it back in. I grabbed his wrist, positioning it a bit differently and told him to curl his fingers next time. He followed, hitting exactly where I needed him to. My whole body jerked, making him smile up at me.

"Fuck I've missed you." Taehyung groaned, talking to himself more than anything. I wasn't sure if he meant me, or my heat. I decided not to ask, not wanting to get hurt over something so stupid. His fingers picked up their pace, hitting exactly where I told him. Moans fell from my lips, my head thrown back as I held onto his head. Slowly, I felt an orgasm coming upon me. "Taehyung!" I whined, grabbing his arm and jerking him away. He could easily continue, overpower me completely with just one hand. But Taehyung isn't like that. He became instantly worried."Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Do you want to stop?" He asked, panic striking him from all sides.

I laughed, sitting up. I pulled him to me, kissing him as deeply as I could. "No, you're okay. Just, a bit overwhelming." I smiled. He nodded, sitting up. "Is it okay if I continue, I need to stretch you out. I'd hate to hurt you." He said, slightly hesitant with each word he spoke. "Of course. And what happened to the man that was just so cocky seconds ago?" I asked, teasing him. He scoffed, continuing. He started with one finger, slowly adding a second and beginning a scissoring motion.

Small moans fell from me, gripping his arm where I was able to. Looking down, Taehyung still wore his arrogant smile. After he deemed me stretched and ready enough, he sat up and in between my thighs. He looked around for a few seconds, for what I'm assuming is for a condom or something like that. "No condom." I mumbled, making his attention snap back over to me. His cheeks were slightly flushed and eyes full of concern and slight worry. "I'm on the pill." I reassured. "Yeah, but that's not a 100% you won't get pregnant." Taehyung mumbled, still worried. I laughed, shaking my head at him.

"It's pretty damn close, but if you're really that scared go find one. I'll be here waiting for you." I teased, watching his eyes narrow at me slightly. I giggled as he pounced on top of me, pinning my arms above my head with ease. A small smirk grew on my face as I nibbled slightly on his earlobe. "Daddy, please fuck me." Taehyung couldn't resist anymore, positioning himself before easily sliding in. He let out a loud grunt as he bottomed out, his head falling into my neck. "Fuck, when's the last time you've had sex?"

"What? What do you mean?" I asked, slightly panicking at his question. Taehyung slowly pushed himself up, sitting back on his legs with my thighs in his palms. I propped myself up on my elbows, watching as he slowly slid out before slamming back into me. I jolt of pleasure shot throughout my body. "You haven't been fucked in awhile, no? You're so tight." Taehyung said, placing on of my legs over his shoulder to give him better access. I let out a loud moan as he picked up his pace, gaining a steady and rather quick rhythm. Taehyung was letting out small grunts, his face becoming sweaty and his bangs sticking to his forehead.

"Ah, Taehyung" I whined, grabbing onto his arm as he pounded into me. He scoffed, leaning forward to nail my g-spot. He was folding me in half, basically. "I'll let that one slip, babygirl. But next time you're getting punished." He growled, crashing his lips onto mine while still maintaining his thrusts. As the kiss became rougher, so did his thrusts. The sound of skin hitting skin soon filled the room accompanied by moans. Taehyung's grip was harsh, holding onto my waist and thighs like it was the only thing keeping him alive. I could barely see straight anymore, pleasure washing over me. I smiled, remembering something Taehyung was absolutely weak for. I reached up, taking one of his sensitive buds in between my fingers and flicking it roughly.

He let out a throaty groan, head falling forward slightly. He was focusing on his thrusts, speeding up and slamming harder than before. Profanities spilt from the both of us, gripping onto whatever we could to keep us in place. "Fuck, I'm going to cum." Taehyung moaned, making me smirk up at him. I mumbled a small, then I win. His head shot up, completely forgetting about the dumb bet set long ago. His fingers went straight to my clit, roughly stimulating me. I yelped, holding onto his wrist for dear life while clamping down around him.

His thrusts we're sloppy and more desperate than before, quickly reaching his high. With a few lasts thrusts and moans, he came deep inside of me. As soon as he came, the stimulation caught up and sent me flying over. Bolts of pleasure shot throughout me, my toes curling and head thrown back into the sofa. I ripped Taehyung's fingers away from me, becoming too sensitive. He smirked, sliding his fingers into my mouth. I licked them, rolling my tongue in between. He watched, shaking his head.

My body was shaking, something Taehyung was quick to notice. He laid his body weight on top of me, kissing me with the most passion he ever has. The shaking came to an eventual stop, both of us relaxing for a few seconds. "Well, I guess we both lost." I mumbled, not really knowing how to not make this awkward. Taehyung laughed, shaking his head violently.

"Let's not do that weird thing where you think I'm going to suddenly leave you." He smiled, running his hands up and down my thighs. "I'll go run us a bath." He got up, jogging into the bathroom. I heard water turn on followed by a few drawers opening. After a few moments, he came back and scooped me up into his arms bridle style, making me laugh. Taehyung sat down first, then helping me sit down in between his legs. I let out a small hum, leaning against his torso and relaxing. "You know Taehyung, this is really nice." I smiled, letting him trace little patterns onto my shoulders and chest.

He smiled, kissing my shoulder gently. "Your girlfriend is going to be so lucky, she just doesn't know it yet.", "Well um, I was actually hoping you'd be my girlfriend. And I mean like, official official like dating and going out and doing things together." He laughed, "Not just hook-ups at 3 am.", "Are you serious? You're messing with me?" I calmly said, acting as if I didn't care but the frantic beating in my chest told another story. "Yeah, I've loved you since like high school." Taehyung said, becoming cheesy and acting offended when I made fun of him for it.

"I'd love to be with you Taehyung. I just think it's weird that the youngest CEO in the world is dating a broke college student." I said. "And don't get me wrong, I'm not dating you just because you're a CEO. I actually do love and care about you a lot. I always have cared about you in a more than friends way.", "Stop referring to yourself as a broke college student. You're my best friend since high school, my first ever love and my love now." He said, a dumb smile plastered across his face. I laughed, making fun of him again.

"I'm glad Taehyung. I love you too." I smiled, looking back and pecking his lips. He wore the brightest smile, kissing my shoulders while wrapping his arms around me and holding me close. I smiled, "Jesus Christ I'm happy that dick broke up with me." Taehyung laughed in response, "Get broken up by a dick and then dicked down after. You fucking slut.", I laughed, turning around to punch him in the shoulder. "Says the one that was willing to fuck me right there, on the spot." I said, mocking him. "Hey, you never told me to stop. And if you did you know I would've." He said, beginning to ramble and get cheesy again. "Okay, relax. You just fucked me, don't get all phycological about it." You playfully rolled your eyes.

"You know what?? I am glad that this time you wasted it on me" he lovingly kissed your cheek.

The End.

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