#which is good bc if I have to give up spock's world I might as well just take myself out now

[grandwretch]

i dont know/understand what's going on, but im sorry you're in distress. i hope you'll get better

honestly nothing is going on-- this is old news, but honestly I don't keep up with "book fandom" things that often. books, especially my vintage paperback collection, are more personal to me than fandom is. it's not something I feel inclined to share with others on the internet that often, unless the book series is a big fad. fandom is more for movies and TV shows, at least for me.

I just happened to find out that one of the authors who made me feel human again (Mercedes Lackey) after I was victimized knowingly collaborated and was friends with someone who victimized her daughter and others (Marion Zimmer Bradley), as well as supplied her husband (Walter H. Breen) with victims. They were basically trafficking teenage fans/children of fans and colleagues. And of course, I was too late in being born to ever be in danger from them, but it does feel like a personal betrayal, to know that the people who wrote my experiences so closely could have watched them happen to someone else and never said a word, not even to this day.

And all this happened the night after a dentist appointment, which is my biggest fear due to a physically abusive dentist as a toddler, so I'm having a bit of a spiral. I know this all seems terribly dramatic from the outside, but for the last six hours I've been plagued by awful memories completely unrelated to either trigger, most of which I'd entirely forgotten.

Anyway, thank you for your well wishes. I will try to be better soon-- Or at least able to pretend, as I have work tomorrow. Maybe the spiral will help me write today; God knows that was the only time I ever got OBTS written.

[fangirlandiknowit101]

12, 14 and 18☺️

Thanks for asking <333

12. Is there a trope you haven’t written yet but really want to?

There's lots to be honest, but something I still can't believe I haven't written is a horse riding au. Like, that's half a lie bc I have a few thousand words written for a Simon/Baz horse rider au that I might never finish, but I'd really like to write one for Naruto. But I always decide not to because I don't know all the words and I hate googling stuff while I write. But one day! Surely!

14. If you were stuck on a desert island with only two characters, which would you pick?

Honestly? Kirk and Spock. They'd find a way to get us out of there. And if not, it would at least be cool to meet them.

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

You really had to pick such a difficult question... I can never decide on any particular line/scene. So I opened up The sun within me and looked at the chapters and thought I'd pick something that could be interesting to comment on. And in this case, it's a bit about how Naruto, Sasuke, and Charasuke have changed and their different relationships with each other. So! Here's a bit of commentary for a scene in chapter 40 (under the cut bc it's fairly long lol):

[For clarification, this is right after Naruto and Sasuke come back home from Sasuke's mission where he fought Menma and Menma then disappeared. I'm skipping ahead to the part where they arrive at the orphanage and Charasuke is waiting in their room (Naruto's POV). My comments will be written in bold text.]

The clone’s memories dropped into his head like a puff of smoke, and he groaned out loud, making a face. Sasuke gave him a concerned look, but Naruto sighed and shook his head.

“Let’s go,” he said, feeling very reluctant as he grabbed Sasuke’s arm.

He supposed he could have teleported them somewhere else, but Charasuke had seemed prepared to wait until they returned. Maybe Sasuke could deal with him while Naruto sort of… drifted away and hid in the kitchen.

Naruto is acting very childishly in this scene, mostly because he's still wary of Charasuke, and also because he's just spent two days in Sasuke's company but pretending to be Menma, which means no cuddles/kisses or anything. He's kind of clingy, isn't he? Haha. And also, he doesn't really want to admit to himself that Menma disappearing for Charasuke is the parallel to his worst fear, that Sasuke will disappear.

“Where is he?” Charasuke demanded the second they arrived in the bedroom.

“Ah, Sasuke, maybe you can explain?” he suggested, inching towards the door, but Sasuke nailed him to the floor with a single glare.

“He could be anywhere,” Sasuke said, continuing to glare until he was sure that Naruto wouldn’t escape. “I didn’t manage to get a good look through the portal.”

“The portal?” Charasuke seemed to waver, arms wrapped around himself as he looked between them. “Tell me what happened.”

You can tell that Sasuke has really started to care about Charasuke here. He's not entirely open with him yet, but he recognizes a lot of himself in Charasuke and he puts himself in Menma's position, thinking about when he left the village and Naruto was left behind. He doesn't want Charasuke to hurt the way he knows Naruto was hurting back then.

While Sasuke described the mission, including what he called ‘Naruto’s dumb interference’, Naruto dug through his closet for the shirt he would make Sasuke wear. He was absolutely sure that Sasuke would argue about it – especially since he’d sent a clone to Akatsuki and not himself – but if he talked fast enough and relented that it would be enough if Sasuke slept in it for one night…

“He really is gone, then,” Charasuke said, his voice toneless. “I’ll never see him again.”

“I’m sure you’ll see him again,” Naruto said, contemplating the pros and cons of a t-shirt versus long sleeves. “Whoever grabbed him and hauled him off probably just wanted to keep him out of Sasuke’s reach. He gets awfully strong when he’s irritated.”

Naruto is definitely acting a bit heartless here, again, because he doesn't want to think about his own feelings or feel forced to recognize that Charasuke is a person Sasuke cares about, that he should also care about. I think he can get a bit closed off when there's too much going on in his own life, and that makes it hard to focus on other people, especially since he still wants to leave the other dimension and doesn't want to think about Sasuke caring about his family here - meaning Sasuke might want to stay.

When he turned back from the closet, he found Sasuke giving him a disappointed look.

“What?”

“You’re taking this lightly,” he said, glancing at the shirt in Naruto’s hand and apparently deciding to ignore it.

“Well, unless we figure out how to dimension-hop after him, I don’t think there’s a lot we can do.”

Now that he was back to being himself, all Naruto really wanted was to curl up in bed with Sasuke and not think about the outside world at all. Charasuke, on the other hand, seemed on the verge of tears.

“And what would you have done if I was the one who disappeared?” Sasuke asked, an icy note to the question.

“How would I know? It hasn’t happened yet.”

A bit of foreshadowing lol. Except Sasuke is the one left reacting when Naruto leaves, but Naruto really is trying to keep a tight grip in his emotions here and absolutely not think about the fact that Sasuke could have disappeared with Menma, and he wouldn't have known what happened to him.

“You could have let me follow after him and we’d know where he went.”

Naruto straightened up, face hardening.

“No, you might have known where he went, but the rest of us wouldn’t. Besides, he was trying to kill you. I went through too much trouble to keep you alive to just let you jump into some unknown enemy territory.”

As you can see, putting a lot of emphasis on Naruto's fear of losing Sasuke again.

Silent tears now streaming down his cheeks, Charasuke sat down on the bed and clenched his fists over his lap. It was obvious that he didn’t like what they were saying, but Naruto pushed his feelings of sympathy aside. Sasuke was his top priority, and that hadn’t changed simply because there was another one of him now.

“I told him I never want to see him again,” Charasuke sniffled, and it was really disturbing to watch someone with Sasuke’s face – well, a version of Sasuke, really – crying out in heartache.

Meanwhile poor Charasuke is having a background breakdown. To Naruto, it's hard to see a version of Sasuke like this. Charasuke is coming face to face with the realization that he's A: definitely not over Menma, B: he really handled things badly and never even stopped to think about why Menma was doing things.

“If he survives, you can apologize,” Naruto told him, trying to sound comforting. “Hell knows Sasuke said a lot worse stuff to me.”

To his great surprise, Sasuke went over to sit beside Charasuke, frowning as his hand twitched to reach out to him.

“This isn’t about you and me, Naruto,” he said, settling for an awkward hand on Charasuke’s shoulder. “And it could be our fault, anyway.”

“You know, Sasuke,” Naruto said as the initial shock wore off, “that sounds scarily like you’ve started caring about other people.”

Naruto and Sasuke having a small fight about Charasuke... Naruto knew Sasuke cared about Charasuke, but this is when he realizes that Charasuke is becoming a person that Sasuke wants to protect. And for Sasuke it's a small step towards opening his heart for more people than just Naruto. Sasuke is honestly mad at Naruto for taking things so lightly, for treating this other dimension as something that doesn't affect them. Besides, I really wanted Charasuke to be comforted by Sasuke haha.

Charasuke kept crying, and the look Sasuke directed at him clearly said what he thought of Naruto right then.

“Moron. I care about other people, just not anyone in our own dimension.”

Naruto knew that to be a lie, but decided not to say anything. Having Sasuke admitting to something like having feelings was a huge enough step on its own. Instead he sighed, grabbed something to sleep in, and headed for the door.

“I’ll just sleep on a couch,” he mumbled.

Does Sasuke care about anyone back in their own dimension? Maybe, but you wouldn't really see him act like this with canon Sakura, not before they left for the RTN dimension at least. It's a big thing that Sasuke is starting to voice his feelings out loud, and acknowledge them more. Naruto is feeling jealous actually, because he wanted to finally have Sasuke to himself, and also he feels guilty for being jealous, and also he's hoping that if he pouts enough Sasuke will comfort him instead of Charasuke lol. Not always the most mature person, but who is?

Coward, Kurama accused as he headed towards the living room, but Naruto was too tired to argue with him. Something about Charasuke always rubbed him wrong, and maybe it had to do with how he displayed his emotions openly and so obviously thought of himself as weak. If Sasuke wanted to handle it, fine. Naruto didn’t have the patience for people who sat around crying, and a small part of him didn’t like that he had such problems with caring about Menma, either. Menma had everything, a loving family, a Sasuke who cared about him, but he was still feared and treated differently. Even in this world people treated the bijuu as something dangerous, and he wondered how much of the whole story of them losing consciousness and turning into beasts was true, and how much was justification to treat them badly.

It's a bit of 'my problems are worse than yours so you shouldn't be so upset'. In the movie, we really got to see how much it hurt Naruto to see this other world where he had everything he wanted, and then acknowledge that it wasn't real. Even if he can recognize that the bijuu were still treated badly here, he can't quite make peace with the way Charasuke and Menma can't appreciate what they have. It makes it really hard for him to sympathize with them.

Am I supposed to feel touched? Kurama snorted as Naruto rearranged pillows into an acceptable bed on one couch. You didn’t care much for us either before you figured out the truth.

No, but everything was supposed to be the opposite here, right? Well, this part isn’t the opposite, it’s the same.

Between one heartbeat and the next, Naruto blinked his eyes open in front of Kurama’s open cage. There was water sloshing around his ankles, and everything was clouded in some sort of yellowish haze.

“Oh, come on,” he complained, but Kurama tsk’ed at him with his head supported by one giant paw.

“I hate to admit it, but you might be onto something, kid.”

“Uh-huh, well I don’t know about you but I want to sleep.”

Kurama reached out and poked him in the stomach with a sharp claw, eyes narrowing to slits. Even if they were friends, Naruto didn’t feel like testing the limits of that friendship with those claws so close to him.

“Sometimes you say things in such a stupid voice that I miss how important it might be. Now shut up and listen,” Kurama growled, three of his tails swishing angrily behind him. “This world is supposed to be opposite, right?”

“I don’t know, but everything seems opposite.”

“Let’s pretend we know it’s true. So, everything and everybody is the opposite more or less. But, the prejudice against the bijuu is still there. And we were told that it was only recently that they became unable to control. So, where does that leave us?”

Naruto pouted, not bothering to answer. Obviously Kurama already knew what he wanted to say.

“I think it means that anything that is the same, is something that somebody has tampered with.”

I was going to do more with this, but it was also a bit of 'what sort of theories would they have for what was really going on?' and this one is accurate in a way, because Hagoromo did tamper with the bijuu which in turn made them become feared and badly treated. So it's definitely hinting at there being someone behind the scenes manipulating the bijuu.

“Huh?”

Kurama rolled his eyes, sighing so deeply that Naruto felt the wind from it tear at his clothes.

“Think, boy! If this is a mirror-world or whatever, people shouldn’t be afraid of me and my siblings. But they are, and it only started a while ago. Obviously someone made us go crazy. And Menma has me inside him, but a crazy version of me, so wouldn’t it be logical that whoever did something to the me inside Menma, could also do something to Menma?”

He thought about it, hard enough that his head started hurting. Sasuke would probably know, but he was busy with Charasuke.

“I guess,” he said eventually, huffing a little. “But even if you’re right, it doesn’t help us figuring out who’s behind it all.”

“Does it matter?” Kurama scoffed, and then his lips spread in a terribly evil grin. “We’re going to kill them anyway, aren’t we?”

“This is why you have such a bad reputation,” Naruto sighed.

Kurama only laughed.

I really love Kurama... His and Naruto's weird friendship gives me life. His solutions to problems are always very straightforward heh.

Well, that's that :3

[paradisecost]

Share a random sex fact about each of your muses. [ALL 5000 OF THEM lol]

me, opening up my muse list because despite literally editing it this morning to take off any inactive ones I CAN’T G-DDAMN REMEMBER ALL 27 OF THEM SDKFJNF. 

putting this under a cut because as you might imagine, it’s LONG.

Bla/ck Sa/ils Muses

Flint - Deeply dislikes 69′ing. He’s easily overwhelmed when it comes to sensory things and pleasure as it is, so the concept of trying to both suck someone off and be sucked off at the same time is just like… THAT SOUNDS HELLISH, ONE THING AT A TIME PLEASE. PLUS he likes to be… if not facing his partner, then at least facing the same fucking direction as them.

Silver - Doesn’t have as much of a libido as you might think, especially after he loses his leg - trauma tends to fuck that kind of thing up even when it’s not related to bodily autonomy shit. Postcanon Silver in particular is usually tremendously uninterested in sex, partly because of the lack of libido and partly because G-d forbid he ever form a connection with anyone ever again, even if he has Madi’s blessing to do so. 

Thomas - Just a big ol’ fuckin’ voyeur (though only if the other parties are aware and pleased that he’s watching). Like is he sexually attracted to women? No. Would he gladly watch Miranda fuck a lady and get turned on during it regardless? Absolutely. Same applies to male partners tbh. Thomas vc: LET ME WATCH TRUCK AND JAMES FUCKING, I’M BEGGING YOU.

Madi - Doesn’t particularly enjoy going down on people, regardless of gender; it makes her feel sort of suffocated and uncomfortable, and she’s not a fan of how it feels in general. She likes receiving oral, but will always be very clear with her partners that it’s not something she can reciprocate, and there’s no obligation for them to go down on her if they don’t want to. (One of her favourite things about Silver is that he’s always delighted to go down on her, and equally as delighted to have her hand on him afterwards rather than her mouth.)

Rackham - Tbh canon-verse Rackham is barely interested in sex (which… they don’t know is because GENDER DYSPHORIA but shh) but one thing they do enjoy is just. Tits tbh. They’d kiss and leave hickeys on a lady’s breasts all fucking night if she’d let them (Anne didn’t, because Anne generally preferred to be the one doing the touching - hence why Jack was so often tied up when they fucked, which they’re fine with bc G-D I FORGOT THEY’RE INTO THAT TOO).

Age of Sail OCs

Esther - She’s not a fan of any kind of restraint play, whether it’s giving or receiving. She doesn’t like D/s type things or anything similar and is very much vanilla in terms of her sexual preferences, and calling her by any kind of title would probably make her cackle with laughter. (She absolutely loves laughing and joking around during sex it’s her favourite.)

Morbés - Is often more interested in the build-up to sex than the act itself; he’d rather make out for hours and flirt and tease than anything else, though he does enjoy sex very much once he’s having it. Likes to have his hands tied, but only if it doesn’t require a key or some shit to free him.

Oisín - THIS MAN HAS NEVER FUCKED UHHH he’d probably be too scared to go down on anyone until they’d been together for a longass time. I feel like he sees it as this Big Scary Thing He Might Be Terrible At, and it puts him off even trying because he’s so fucking repressed and anxious in terms of sex and sexuality in general already.

Be/dlam Sta/cks Muses

Raphael - HE’S NEVER FUCKED!! THIS MAN IS A PRIEST!!! But ALSO he would love manhandling his partner (gently) and nonverbally teasing them when they start wriggling in protest when he doesn’t let them move or touch him yet kdsjsdkfjng. (And also: likes it when his partners control him by tugging on his hair, as long as it’s not too hard.)

Merrick - Come to think of it THIS MAN HAS NEVER FUCKED EITHER. Probably likes to murmur in his partner’s ear and hold them while they get themselves off. He’s very much a giver.

Modern OCs

Ace - This is the biggest trope in the fucking world but LISTEN his wings and back are hypersensitive and that’s just how it is. Touching his wings won’t just like turn him on in general, it has to be while he’s in a sexual situation, but gently tugging and manipulating them and rubbing at the base of them is The Good Shit. He also likes to have them pinned down, because it’s a little in the same erotic vein as having your arms pinned (since… wings are just fancy limbs lbr here).

Knotch - MONSTERFUCKER.

Lyall - Can and will manhandle her partners and just generally show off her strength a whole bunch. She likes to banter and joke around during sex and in most circumstances will get uncomfortable if someone takes it too seriously, unless she’s in like a steady relationship and knows the person properly etc.

Red - I refuse to believe this man knows what a fuck is NO I’M KIDDING OF COURSE HE DOES. Are you a monsterfucker if YOU’RE the monster???? Well, either way. ANYWAY. He absolutely doesn’t sleep with anyone he doesn’t know very well; not because he places a Higher Importance on sex, but because he doesn’t really like touching people he doesn’t know anyway, and he’s not interested enough in sex to really seek it out unless it’s like… a way of bonding with someone he trusts and cares about. 

Sax - Is sex-repulsed and just Does Not Fuck, ever. She gets extremely uncomfortable if people even bring it up around her and will straight-up snap if someone makes sexual insinutations about her in any way.

XMCU/MCU Muses

Charles - Very much more into receiving than giving, though that changes by necessity after his injury; he can’t really feel much down there anymore, so he generally takes pleasure by pleasing his partner and feeling it through their minds (with their consent).

Erik - Will almost never accept oral. Generally doesn’t really like receiving pleasure in general; he’s most often sex-repulsed, but when he does fuck, he generally wants to be pleasing his partner. It’s not uncommon for him to refuse to let them touch him at all, and he almost never removes any of his clothing.

Frank - You know those weird fucking growly sounds Frank makes in DDS2?? Yeah, he fucking makes those in bed too, often without even realising he’s doing it and very often if he’s in subspace.

HP Muses

Remus - Extremely self-conscious about his body and won’t generally remove his clothes. If there’s penetration involved, he prefers to be the one doing the penetration; he isn’t averse to receiving it, he just won’t really go for it unless his partner initiates it first.

Sirius - He WILL make you laugh at a stupid pun while you’re nutting. 

Sta/r Tre/k Muses

Bones - Has a weird thing for doing it outdoors as long as there’s nobody around. Local Georgia man wants to FUCK in a FIELD.

Jim - Compliment his body and he’s yours forever.

Spock - HAND FUCKING HAND FUCKING HAND FUCKING

Test Muses

Aziraphale - This angel FUCKS, because in this house we’re sick of “nonhuman beings are Too Superior to Care About Sex” tropes. He WILL let you ride his dick and call you all kinds of beautiful things the entire time.

Crowley - This demon ALSO FUCKS, albeit significantly less than his angelic counterpart. Has a Music To Fuck To playlist and there is not one single Queen song on it, no matter how much Aziraphale insists he should have Get Down Make Love on there.

Newt - The man is an ADHD/autistic mess and frequently gets distracted during making out or even in the middle of sex because his attention span is horrendous. He can only stay interested/focused for so long, folks.

Credence - I refuse to believe this man knows what a fuck is. If someone touched his dick he’d nut in like a minute because he’s never been touched in his LIFE.

THAT’S IT THAT’S ALL THE MUSES ARE YOU HAPPY.

[spockandawe]

So you’ve heard Spock is the actual literal devil

Have you heard that I’m a terrible person? A plagiarist? Have you been told that I’m only into transformers at all because I wanted to make this one random guy unhappy? If you’ve been told that, you’ve probably also been told that a year and a half later, I’m still making fanworks just to upset him. You might have even heard that shhhh, don’t disagree with Spock on anything, or they’ll hunt you down and harass you.

Right, okay. This is one hell of a saga that I will attempt to tell in as compressed a form as possible. It’s a lot. Years ago, back in HS, there was this one guy who policed the hell out of one of the character tags. I’m going to call him C. He’d pressure people not to make the content they were making, decry the hateful people reading with a malicious eye who thought the character would ever do anything bad (the character was a creep). And because being obnoxious wasn’t bad enough, if you didn’t cave to his demands, he just might do things like start whisper campaigns about how you support rape, casually out you as a survivor, cute little things like that.

This is not a story about that guy.

This is a story about C’s one-time attack dog, eventual boyfriend, and current ex. We’ll go ahead and call him R. I’ve tried real hard to avoid namedropping on my blog before, but could people find him from this? Probably. Have I stopped caring? Absolutely.

TL;DR, unsubstantiated accusations of serial harassment are a little questionable when they’re coming from someone with a years-long, extensively documented history of serial harassment and a personal grudge against me.

Cut for length.

Edit 7/2/2017: R has posted that he regrets making these posts about me, and admits that he said things that were out of line. And he’s stated that he’s going to try to do better in the future. I genuinely, truly appreciate that. I’m leaving this post up because there have been lies about me floating around for a while and I reserve the right to defend myself, but I really do appreciate that.

Oh balls, none of this makes sense without backstory (I’m so sorry)

If you think I suck or my work sucks, that’s fine! You do you, go enjoy the things that make you happy.

If you think I’m the devil because this one guy told you about my evil, evil past and all my terrible misdeeds, without anything at all to back up his words? You can ask me. I don’t bite, and oh lordy do I have receipts.

To be clear, R is totally allowed to hate me! I don't care. I don't care if he hates my writing, I don't care if he hates me as a person. But now he's escalated to spreading lies about me, and people are believing him, and I’m not enough of a doormat to let that just stand.

And I’m going to cheat a little. Here’s a memo with the cliffs notes version (not the original memo, I made a copy with C’s urls cropped out since he hasn’t attacked anyone in a long while). Warning, digging any distance into this turns up violent fantasies, violent sexual fantasies, creepy interactions with a minor, and lots more, it’s all really, really unpleasant. Evidence is thoroughly documented, please tread with care.

You would not believe how truncated that is compared to the reality.

Now, the worst of this came via C. Who has calmed down a lot these days, and I’m really happy that’s the case. Good for him. I hope his life continues in a direction where he doesn’t find it necessary to do this stuff.

Lucky for me, R was standing by to pick up the slack.

It doesn’t show up as much in the memo, which is mostly C-focused, but R was standing by C this whole time, defending his right to spread around private information about someone’s abuse history, sending nasty messages on the other guy’s behalf, and much,much more. it’s long, it’s awful, it’s unpleasant. R personally hurt people in some significant ways that I don’t want to link directly, for their sake. He expressed deep remorse a few times, but it never stuck.

Here’s my personal favorite quote from R. He’s speaking to the CSA survivor that C casually outed (with information given to him in confidence), and who they’d been running a long, long whisper campaign against, and who was understandably a bit upset over the whole thing:

oh go wank to your own tears [name]

#and get your sympathizers to help #nasty fucking people #maybe if you cry enough youll be able to go into second grade in the fall #ooc

Said, again, to a CSA survivor they outed and harassed. That person is such a sweetheart, and this screencap still infuriates me.

The first time I saw C pick a fight he had lots of friends. Shockingly, as he did things like loudly fantasize about how he wants to mutilate people and rant about how autistic people should die, those friends mostly drifted away. I know one person had a friend even help them stage a faux relationship-ending fight, so they could be sure they’d be able to completely cut and run from C. R stuck with him, though. Eventually they even started dating.

‘Spock followed R into transformers to harass him and stalks his favorite characters just to harass him more’

Then, transformers. Here, let me show you the first post (by R) that ever brought MTMTE to my attention. I spent years being aggressively uninterested in transformers, but this caught my eye

and honestly, ppl (adults too!!!) shipping someone who has the mentality of a child and is quite glaringly lacking a world of experiences and general understanding of things outside of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, with an adult, is just. very alarming and gross to me.

and honestly, the fact that there is a large portion of people who want him to become romantically (and sexually!!!) involved with either one of two fucking adults in canon, and hell, esp those defending it with ‘hes an adult too tho!!’ is really gross.

you can pretend all you want that hes ‘an adult’ because his body is, but theres no way jro didnt intent to code him as a child. stop fetishizing children lmao,

#pedophilia -/-/- #cygate -/-/- #if someone comes at me screaming ‘rule 38′ im gonna shove them in a locker

I didn’t know transformers, but I was pretty sure this was some straight-up bullshit.

(but don’t worry, he ships it now! no hypocrisy here, no sir)

It’s “really gross” to ship this adult with other adults. Mm. Given the reasonableness of the claims these guys have made in the past, and given their extensive history of harassing people over those claims, I hopped to the wiki to check it out. I read a bit about the comic and the plot, and all of it sounded so fascinating that I just had to give the comic a try.

Reader, I married it.

I shotgunned MTMTE 1-47 in two days, started doing fanworks right out of the gate, and I’ve never looked back. A lot of my art was cygate, because come on, the comic wants you to ship it so bad, my first readthrough ended with issue 47, and that was the first ship I’d ever read about for the series, even before I dove in.

Now, both these characters punch me right in the heart, in some painfully personal ways. Tailgate’s the more relevant one here, but I don’t even know if I could do justice to the emotions both of them give me.

I’m still not a fan of how R’s lies about me have edged me into needing to say this in public, but okay. I’m developmentally delayed. It’s been a rough ride. And Tailgate hits me in some of those spots so hard it just takes my breath away. I’ve got a lot of baggage over not being a real adult, and not in the funny oh-no-how-do-taxes-work way, more like an extended months-long meltdown my first year of college because I can tell that my friends are years ahead of me and I don’t know how to even start catching up, and just existing, as myself, is humiliating.

All of my relationship milestones have come painfully, painfully late. The whole thing is still one awful emotional bruise. I hate it, and I hate how easy it is to convince myself that yeah, of course you don’t actually deserve to be treated as an adult and you never will. Just look at you. So then it is unbelievably important to me that I can see someone someone who is like me, being treated as a legitimate adult, and being able to have an adult relationship.

Hearing that shipping someone like me is essentially pedophilia is the opposite of that.

But he ships it now, so everything is fine :)

Yeah, you know what? Another fucking receipt.

uGHGH im so tired of all the rabid cy// /gat// //e fans like even cy’s giving em a look like ‘leave my fucking child alone’

#i just #im hoping jro has some taste tho and doesnt make an adult date a child #and if not im hoping the outcome blows over soon bc im so tired of seeing people defend pedophilia #pedophilia -/-/-

Parental.

This continued even after JRO explicitly confirmed Tailgate was an adult.

Bonus ableism: shipping Whirl (another character who hits me way too hard) isn’t okay either. Even though there isn’t the excuse of ‘but he only lived three years--’ No, at that point, you’re saying that an adult who fails to adult correctly does not count, and isn’t allowed to have romantic relationships. It makes my skin crawl, and it is an issue which is very personally and directly important to me.

So some of my cygate was porn from the start (it’s what I write. it’s what I draw.), and some of the porn was made because I was upset over discourse that says someone like me needs to be treated as a child. I played with cywhirlgate too, because omg how could I not, and some of that was porn as well. It was ages ago, so I don’t remember the details for every little thing I made. But when I saw someone saying that Cyclonus and Tailgate had a parental relationship, I’m sure that helped nudge me in that direction. Maybe R thinks I should have channeled my emotions by starting a whisper campaign to exclude him from fandom spaces. But I think my way of working through bad emotions might have been a little healthier than that.

So when R accuses me of making cygate content to spite him? Half true. Just true enough to be real fucking dishonest. R spent a nice long time insisting that cygate was pedophilia. I channeled my outrage over that ableism into fan creations.

I didn’t attack him. I talked about him some – on a private forum, with people who’d already been aware of him and had been watching him and C hurt people for years, plural. I haven’t told people on tumblr any real details about him until now. And R still is happy to talk about how it was his toxic ex’s right to post torture/rape/murder porn vent fic about actual people.

Tell me, how exactly am I in the wrong?

Bonus pettiness: I posted some cywhirlgate porn. The next day, R vaguely whined about robot pedophilia and turned around and wrote some obviously-a-response cywhirlgate. Where it was super platonic and the text explicitly said it was super platonic and it even had platonic thigh nuzzling. With two “children” involved. Of course I turned around and wrote more fic of my own, because jesus h christ that made my skin crawl. You want to play this game? I guarantee I can write faster than you, let’s do this. (he did not follow through on that)

I’d also like to say that forgetting inconvenient little details like this is a thing with R. Hard to call me terrible for writing spitefic when you write it yourself.

A history of Spock’s personal involvement

Let’s backtrack a tiny bit. You may notice I am up to my elbows in this nonsense for no clear reason.

I was friends with some of the people C was taking shots at, and I was unfortunate enough to believe his original smear campaign about that one artist (I’m still ashamed about that). I cared about a number of people C was trying to hurt. I think one or two fanworks of mine upset him, but he already had loads of targets. I kept tabs on him and R, because anxiety is the gift that just keeps giving.

Eventually, C fantasized about wanting to put my former datemate’s hand through a meat grinder (ey wrote a fic that portrayed his fave in a negative light). And R defended his right to do that.

The person he posted about is still feeling the effects of that incident. I’m still feeling the effects of that. And it wasn’t even directed at me, just someone I care deeply about.

R has recently posted that ‘oh my goodness, C sure was awful, remember when he posted this thing about a meat grinder and how unreasonable it was?’ Thanks buddy, glad you noticed, now just go ahead and keep on blaming me for the aftereffects of what your boyfriend did, and what you defended.

After that, it was months before I could properly look away from either of their blogs.

C posted extensively about trying to track down the street address of his ~enemies~ (including the one whose genitals he fantasized about mutilating). He posted about how autistics should die. He had skype chats about wanting to do amateur brain surgery on people. All while posting very often about finding real addresses.

Yeah, it’s more than a year later, and every so often I get a stab of anxiety and have to head off to double check on what these two are up to.

I will repeat that C has been pretty chill lately. He’s got a career he’s aiming for. Good for him, go find success, please don’t slip back into being an internet bully. It’s sad and upsetting to see R echoing some of the early patterns of his ex, and it’s so strange to see me labeled as his own personal enemy.

‘Spock will totally come harass you too’ and/or various accusations of ableism

So there are some things I did in the mix in this history that I regret. Occasionally, I went out and flipped through the blogs of C and R’s friends, seeing if maybe they’d had said something in their notes, did they have any vagueblogs C liked, did they post about— It got unreasonable. I admit that. Anxiety was at the root of it, but it absolutely got unreasonable. And also it is a massive time sink, and I can’t remember the last time I bothered with it. I enjoy life much more when anxiety and paranoia issues don’t have their claws in me. This hasn’t been an issue in a very long time.

I came down hard on some of the kinfeels and system stuff too, which I do walk back a bit. C’s approach was… hahaha. It was something. And he was my intro to the kin and system paradigms. I saw R talking about C’s approach being unreasonable too, pretty recently. So that was an unfortunate bit of poison in how I processed the next people I met who did that sort of thing. I don’t do kin stuff, but I get it. And DID may not strictly apply to all systems, by the formal diagnostic criteria, but I’ve learned there are plenty of other dissociative disorders out there. And I met people who were multiples and who did kin things that weren’t these two guys. Which helped a LOT.

But the big one, hmmm. C wrote a fic. The idea was interesting, but the execution frustrated me. Everyone but the main lead felt so… flat. Everyone was constantly cruel to the main, for no reason. I saw a way to riff on the original text while staying true to its shape, and writing my bad emotions out is also a major, major thing I do to cope. Now, my big thing is that I should have asked before I remixed. I’d been thinking in terms of, y’know, transformative fanworks. Even with authors like Anne McCaffrey and Anne Rice, who fought against fandom, people have still felt that it should be allowed, even against their wishes. So I wrote the remix. I gave full credit on ao3 in the ‘inspired by’ box, linked to the original with positive words, the whole shebang.

The guy was still furious, and… that’s fair. I thought I’d written a thing on self-sabotage that was pretty sympathetic and compelling, and the self-sabotage actually drew a lot on my own personal history. But I gave the main flaws he strongly disagreed with, and I didn’t ask for permission. I get why he was/is angry over it.

I’ve been a fixture on their shitlists ever since :P

It’s remarkable, even while R posts now about ‘oh my god, remember how C wrote the creepiest things?’, I’m still the one who’s the the actual worst, for being skeeved out by the creepy things and finding a constructive way to deal with it. R’s controlling ex gets full freedom when it comes to vent fic, even when it’s about wallowing in torturing, raping, and murdering an avatar for a real person (the original one they harassed!), or punching someone in the face until they agree to be your friend (another artist these guys targeted). But R’s position seems to be that only C is allowed to vent (even if it’s genital mutilation fantasies), and I’m definitely not.

Oh, and R has now expanded this remix into me totally having a consistent pattern of stealing ideas and plagiarism and so many remixes that are obviously done as revenge on anyone who pisses me off. So that’s nice.

So R hates your writing. Is that seriously why this post exists?

Ha, no. Let’s look at the concrete things R is saying. Here, let me post a little sampling of evidence.

These aren’t just things he’s shouting into the void, people have responded saying wow, I never knew that! These are lies that people are believing about me. And then yesterday, June 30, 2017, he warned a friend not to disagree with my meta, or I’d come harass them. A friend I’m aggressively leaving out of this, just as I’m leaving out other responses, because these people don’t deserve to be dragged into R’s bullshit.

Let’s have bullet points. Some of these are the silly spock-is-bad-at-writing complaints. Those are here because this whole mess is pretty fucking depressing and the ridiculous claims make me laugh, but these are all things he says.

Spock is evil – You know what, he’s not calling people pedophiles, which is a step up. I’ll take it.

Spock is a plagiarist – I remixed one fic with full credit, said only good things about the original, and linked to it in extra places so that people would have extra opportunities to click through and check it out. I arguably remixed inappropriately, but that’s not the same thing. Words have definitions. If I’m a plagiarist, so is everyone who’s ever written a fanfic.

Spock is something something mean when people disagree – I don’t even know, man. I’m actually shockingly conflict-averse. Is this because I make walls of text and explain why I hold opinions at great length? I enjoy talking about a thing I love. I’m autistic, I’m hyperverbal, and this is my special interest, so is it that I talk a lot? That’s the best I can do. I’ve talked about things I disagree with on a private forum, in which case mister pot has had a lot of fun in public on twitter, not only talking shit, but also spreading outright untruths. Maybe he wants to rethink this one.

Spock will come harass you if you disagree – You need to back the heck down, pal.

Spock’s meta/fic/characterization is bad and they should feel bad – Hahaha, fite me. He won’t, because I can articulately defend myself at significant length, and his criticisms seem to stop at ‘spock sucks’, but hey.

Spock used ableist language about Whirl - I... what? This one confuses me and makes me laugh so it stays here. Also, holy double standards, batman.

Spock is only into transformers to harass R – I checked out transformers because I was pretty sure R was being disgustingly ableist (he was). I stayed in transformers because I adore it. I had to adore it a lot to make me willing to share fandom space with these two. My god, I have better things to do with my life than spend all my time on something that bores me just to annoy one asshole on the other side of the internet. I’d ask if he thinks I spent dozens of painstaking hours cross-stitching Starscream just to bother him, but….. yep, pretty sure he does.

Spock goes after all of R’s favorite characters to upset him – R latches on to just about every interesting and/or sympathetic character that shows up. When he was dating C, they covered most of the cast between them. I don’t care who R likes best because I don’t agree with his opinions. I tend to stay away from his opinions because I don’t like reading things that bother me. This is asnine. I’m only allowed to like the characters R despises, I guess.

Spock makes fanworks for things R likes just to make him see them – Oh my god, I don’t caaaaaare. I write about things that interest me, unless I’m venting. Say, venting about the way R and his ex have deliberately hurt a shockingly high number of people I care about. ‘Spock made rodistar because I liked it--’ I made it because I wrote a thing about their parallels, and shipping was the obvious next step. R isn’t that important to me. Promise.

This is just exhausting, man. The anxiety bugs had been dying down, and it had been ages since I checked out this guy’s anything. C, who drove the whole initial blowup that led to this, has been quiet and chill on tumblr. But R has learned from his ex’s old example and has been having fun spreading lies about me.

In conclusion

Some fun history.

R was 18 when he told a CSA survivor upset about being outed and harassed to wank using their tears for lube.

He was older than that when he defended C’s right to post about wanting to mutilate someone’s genitals (for the crime of saying C’s logic didn’t make sense).

He was older than that when he complained about that person’s spouse being ‘vicious’ for reacting badly to C’s genital mutilation fantasy.

He was older than that when he nodded along as C called autistic people retards and said they should die.

He was older than that when he talked about being happy that someone he disliked was triggered, and nodded along when C fantasized about that person drinking bleach.

And he was older than that when he defended C, his twenty-something boyfriend, against the thirteen-year-old that C had been having incredibly inappropriate conversations with, despite skype log proof and everything.

And despite all this, I’m still the bad guy, because I didn’t think what they were doing was okay. I’m the bad guy for being upset by C's actions, even though... R is now upset by C’s actions. The ways I responded to C were inexcusable. My only motivation is to hurt people. Every thing I did that ever upset them still means I’m terrible, even though R is saying this while he’s busy posting about how awful C is. And this all means that he needs to warn his friends not to catch my attention, or I’ll come harass them.

So, I’m tired.

I’m very tired.

I’m glad he’s trying to grow past that history. Good. Maybe he can do that without making up a story about how I’m unrepentant villain who lives for villainy and who only takes joy in causing him pain. I’m sure it helps him, because it’s a story that brushes aside the shit he did that he regrets, and makes his past less painful to think about. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with him telling lies about me.

I don’t know why I’m the one boogeyman he has left (I kid, it’s because I’m in transformers, and because he thinks I’m popular. he harps on it a lot, and it’s weird for everyone). I mean, whatever. I’ve aggressively avoided publishing drama details on here for a very long time. But there are two blog tags, miscellaneous other untagged blog content, three forum threads, and hundreds of pages of skype logs with hard evidence of this bullshit.

I’m pretty sure that if he tries to defend himself, one, he’ll place some blame on his ex. That’s fair. C was pretty darn controlling and demanding. But R is still absolutely responsible for his own actions, and is especially responsible for the harm he personally caused. He’ll talk about how it’s bullshit to pull up all these receipts from so very long ago. In that case, his receipts for me (whatever he even has) are equally old, so aren’t they null and void? No, because Spock is the devil. And it’s not so much bullshit if he’s clearly learned nothing, and has gone back to spreading outright falsehoods about people.

To be clear, a lot of the lies he told about me were told a while back. Weeks to a few months to a year. I was letting it sit, because I’d really, really hoped this was over. Yesterday, June 30, 2017, he warned a friend not to publicly disagree with my meta or I’d come and harass them.

It’s been three years since I first saw him doing this. I’ve watched him hurt a lot of people, and I’ve watched him admit, multiple times, that he has hurt people. I thought he’d learned to stop following these toxic patterns. Apparently he has not.

Edit 7/2/2017: To repeat the edit up above, R has said he regrets posting these things about me, and that he's going to try to avoid slipping into this in the future. I very much appreciate that.

[bestdestined-a-blog]

Kat’s Guide to TOS

   so you wanna get into star trek, huh ?? well, that can seem like a daunting task, considering there’s so much to dive into. now if you’ve never watched any trek, I actually recommend starting with the reboot series. they’re trek for the Modern Audience and there’s only three of them out so far, so they’re much more accessible for budding trekkies. but if you know the characters and know the world and wanna explore it further, it can be hard to know where to begin.     now, the list below the cut is ENTIRELY MY OPINION. people can agree or disagree to their heart’s content, but these are the episodes as I see them and enjoy them. if you wanna watch all of tos, I encourage you to !! but if you’re looking for a taste, this is what I recommend. if you’re looking for some second opinions, someone ranked the eps from worst to best HERE, and there’s a skippable list HERE.

before I get to the list, I should point out that TOS can be watched in any order. it isn’t serialized at all (except for the two part Menagerie) and each episode stands alone. you can watch whatever you want and you won’t be lost. also please approach the series with an open mind. it came out in the 60s. it’s presented in a much more theatrical manner than modern television, and had an infamously low budget. don’t let that distract from thetruly good things. I’m breaking this down into a few categories: must watch, ones I like, and infamously bad. not all episodes will be listed, any episodes I don’t mention are ones that didn’t stick with me, personally, and you can watch at your discretion. doesn’t mean they’re bad, they just aren’t ones that resonated with me. there’s 79 episodes of TOS proper, I’m not gonna talk about ALL of them.

a note on ‘the cage’ - this is the original pilot that didn’t get picked up. the only character who carries over into tos proper is spock, and he’s quite a different character here than the one we know. you can watch this one for curiosity’s sake but you can get away with skipping it. the show revisits it in ‘the menagerie’ anyways.

MUST WATCH:

the naked time: the crew acts strange, we get shirtless swashbuckling sulu, sobbing spock and bones brutally ripping jim’s shirt to give him a hypo. a fun ep to watch tbh. maybe not the greatest introduction to the show but a solid ep nonetheless. balance of terror: introduces the romulans. arena: this is the gorn ep, widely considered a classic. does the gorn look a little cheesy? yeah but overall it’s a solid ep. space seed: it introduces khan. especially good to watch if you plan to watch the movies (which I’ll talk about in a separate post) the devil in the dark: the horta ep. it explores some neat concepts and there’s some good moments between jim and spock. errand of mercy: klingons !! city on the edge of forever: widely considered the best trek episode, and quite justifiably so. it might seem a little silly to modern audiences, but it has a good story, some good humour and some excellent emotional moments. amok time: pon farr. mirror mirror: MIRROR UNIVERSE !! journey to babel:��sarek and amanda the trouble with tribbles: chances are, even if you’ve never seen star trek you know about this episode. it’s worth a watch.

PERSONAL RECOMMENDATIONS:

where no man has gone before: the pilot that eventually got picked up. it’s a little different from the rest of the series but worth checking out. the enemy within: there are some uncomfortable moments in this, but it features the unicorn dog and super hammy shatner with eyeliner. the corbomite maneuver: it can be a little silly at times but there’s a few moments I like in this ep the conscience of the king: can be a little grating if you don’t like shakespeare but there’s some important kirk backstory and also features kodos. shore leave: mostly I recommend this one for the line spock pulls on kirk but it’s pretty fun nonetheless. the galileo seven: it’s neat to see spock wrestle with command tbh. the squire of gothos: I mean, this one is really a personal preference. the timeline is way off bc they hadn’t quite decided the dates of the series, and the character of trelane can be a bit grating, but idk I have a soft spot for it. court martial: mostly I like this ep bc I like areel shaw. she’s one of jim’s former flames but she’s a good character. this side of paradise: the spores episode. the doomsday machine: decker is pretty much the defining example of an asshole starfleet higher up, but there’s some complex motives here I, mudd: the first mudd episode is. meh. but this one is just wild fun a piece of the action: gangster planet. spock and jim in suits. jim trying to drive stick. I really like this one. the ultimate computer: jim goes through some interesting existential stuff, and it’s a neat examination of how much power we should give technology. the enterprise incident: the romulan commander lady kinda rocks my socks the tholian web: I know that Enterprise references this ep, and there’s some good spones ish moments in it the empath: not the greatest of eps on this list but worth it for the wonderful mccoy moments the savage curtain: jim, spock, abe lincoln and surak fight genghis khan and a few other baddies.  all our yesterdays: good spones moments yes yes.

a couple eps worth mention

metamorphosis: this ep makes me a little uncomfortable with the way it treats a lady character (then again it’s not unique in that regard) but it is of note because it introduces zefram cochrane, a big figure in trek lore.  plato’s stepchildren: wow. this episode is. kind of a wild ride. most of it is weird af but it’s notable for being the first televised kiss between a black woman and a white man. this is the controversial ep. idk if that makes this ep worth watching bc the kiss itself is kinda. in a weird situation. but if you were curious this one’s the one. let that be your last battlefield: this is the one with the aliens who are half black, half white, and hate each other because of which side is which colour. sort of a ham-handed look at racism but you may have seen this one referenced. I’m not particularly fond of it but it’s interesting.

INFAMOUSLY BAD:

most of these are from season three. there’s a reason s3 is called the turd season by fans. skip these or watch them at your discretion.

the alternative factor: tbh I barely paid attention during this ep, and it’s just kinda weird. spock’s brain: when trek fans talk about bad trek, this is the finest example. it almost veers into ‘so bad it’s good’ territory tho. its campy and crazy and absurd.  the paradise syndrome: racist shit. and the children shall lead: children. a lawyer who can’t act playing a role. weird magic shit. ehh. the way to eden: space hippies. it’s. yeah. turnabout intruder: I hate this episode. it’s so sexist and just. not a good time. women can’t command starships my ass.

I might go back and edit this if others pop up but these are some of my personal highlights !! I encourage you to also check out the rest of the eps, reading the descriptions and watching them as you see fit.