#which given that she was just trying to get kira to enjoy the holosuite is so telling of jadzia's type i think -

[worflesbian]

forgot to post these from my way of the warrior rewatch but. you can pinpoint the exact moment she decides she's gonna fuck him can't you

[sshbpodcast]

Tales from the Holodeck: DS9 Fanfic: Caitlin’s Teleplay

In celebration of A Star to Steer Her By’s fourth anniversary, we did what pretty much all theaters are doing right now and put together a little Zoom reading. This time around, our latest fanfics in our “Tales from the Holodeck” series are all Deep Space Nine teleplays that you can listen to us cold read here (this one starts at 2:51), complete with really dodgy attempts at accents! Follow along with Caitlin’s teleplay below or read with your friends with your own dodgy accents!

[images © Paramount/CBS]

“Constable Odo Day!”

By Caitlin

Random pick: Odo

Scene 1 - the promenade. Odo enters to see, to his surprise, that garish decorations had bloomed there overnight, proclaiming “Happy Constable Odo Day!’ 

ODO: (displeased Odo sound – you know the one, Jake)

SISKO: Constable! I see you’ve found our surprise – isn’t it wonderful? Happy Constable Odo Day!

ODO: (uncomfortable) Yes, wonderful… But I don’t approve of all of these fire hazards on my promenade... 

SISKO: (chuckling) I assure you, all necessary precautions have been taken. Besides, it’s a station-wide holiday – we’re giving you the day off, and we have lots of surprises in store for you!

ODO: (annoyed Odo sound)

KEIKO enters, walks quickly to ODO and SISKO, grabbing the Constable’s arm.

KEIKO: Odo, I’m glad I got to you fir- … well, second! Come see what the children have done for Constable Odo day!

ODO: (incredulous) How is it possible, with ALL of my contacts, that I didn’t hear ANYTHING about this?

SISKO: I don’t know if this will make you feel better, or worse – but it required a little help from Morn.

ODO: I’m impressed – I wouldn’t expect Morn of all people to be able to keep a secret!

Scene 2 - KEIKO’s classroom. The students have been busy with Odo-themed art projects. DAX awaits within, holding a small, mostly featureless doll in a security uniform, made in ODO’s image.

DAX: (laughing) There’s the guest of honor! Happy Constable Odo Day, Odo.

ODO: I’m glad you are amused by this, Lieutenant.

DAX: Odo, don’t be such a grump! For one day, cut loose a little and have fun.

ODO: This may be hard to believe, but for me, my work IS fun, not all this being the center of attention…

KEIKO: (gushing) Surely even the Constable isn’t immune to the charms of all the student projects! Nalas created a beautiful portrait, Antos carved this wooden figurine... and Jake even wrote you this wonderful short story where you’re a 20th century private investigator – what they used to call a “private eye”...

ODO accepts the tablet containing Jake Sisko’s story.

ODO: (under his breath) Well, this, at least may have some merit… I uh, think I’ll return to my quarters so I can read this immediately. Thank you, Keiko, and all my thanks to your students as well. 

Before anyone can object, ODO exits. The rest follow behind, puzzled. After everyone has left, the little ODO doll springs to life, comically looking one way, then the next, before disappearing from our view.

Scene 3 - ODO’s chambers. Thinking he has escaped, briefly, ODO sits down and breathes a sigh of relief.

The doorbell rings.

ODO: (annoyed) ENTER.

KIRA enters. ODO leaps to his feet to greet her.

ODO: Major, what a pleasant surprise. Have you heard about this Constable Odo Day utter non-

KIRA: Of course I heard, that’s why I’m here. I know in spite of my d’jarra, my work isn’t much, but I made this to commemorate the day.

KIRA produces a small sculpture from behind her back; it looks like a melting popsicle. ODO accepts it, bemused.

ODO: Major, I don’t think I’ve ever been more touched. What… what is it?

KIRA: (blushing) Why, it’s you, Odo – at the time between humanoid Odo becoming… something else. It doesn’t look like much, but I put my heart into it.

ODO: I have never been so pleased by any gift. Thank you, Major.

ODO and KIRA gaze into each other’s eyes, until… the doorbell rings.

ODO: (actually really fucking annoyed) ENTER!

SISKO enters.

SISKO: There you are, Odo! Oh, Nerys, I didn’t know you’d be here – I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

ODO: (quickly) No, Captain, Major Kira was just bringing me this, uh, beautiful sculpture she made for me. For Constable Odo Day.

KIRA: (laughing) A Kira Nerys original, Captain.

SISKO: (also laughing) Another fine piece of work, Major. (Serious) Odo, I’m sure right now you must feel pretty overwhelmed with all of this – 

ODO: Yes sir, it has been most irregular and has really disturbed my schedule –

SISKO: Good, good! We really wanted you to enjoy the day!

Odo: (flat) Oh yes. It has been most... enjoyable.

SISKO: Well, we saved the best for last! 

KIRA: Second-best, I think you mean...

SISKO: ...yes, second-best, Major. I’m going to take you to a baseball game in the holosuites!

ODO: A baseball game in – (stops, defeated, seeing the excitement in Sisko’s eyes). Yes, sir, I can’t imagine anything I’d… enjoy more…

SISKO: I hoped you’d feel that way! 

SISKO hands ODO a London Kings baseball jersey.

SISKO: Here, get changed into this, and meet me at Holosuite 8 in 15 minutes! I have to go change!

Exit KIRA and SISKO. ODO studies the jersey Sisko has given him, concentrates for a moment, and shapeshifts so it looks like he’s wearing the jersey. He steps in front of a mirror to check his work.

ODO: Well, I certainly am getting better at clo-

BZZT! ODO is stunned with electricity from behind; we can see the taser-style weapon, but not who holds it. ODO falls unconscious, becomes ODO goo.

A hand reaches into shot to pick up the jersey; we hear a laugh as the scene fades.

Scene 4 - Quark’s 

Some time later…

ODO runs into Quark’s bar, looking a little wild. He is approached by O’BRIEN and BASHIR.

BASHIR: There’s the man of the hour – Happy Constable Odo Day!

ODO: Thank you, but I’m here on urg-

BASHIR: No urgent business today, Constable – come and have a pint with Miles and I, have a round of darts…

O’BRIEN: Yes, Constable, join us for one round of daerts! Who knows – you might like it?

ODO: No, I can’t right now – I really have to –

BASHIR: Constable, lighten up – we won’t keep you long – just a half-hour or so?

O’BRIEN: Aye, we just want a small chunk of your time…

ODO: You don’t understand – I have more important –

Enter: SISKO and… ODO?! Both wearing baseball caps, jerseys, holding pennants, and laughing gaily together.

SISKO: Somehow I just KNEW you would love baseball, Odo…

ODO 2: (A little too happily) Captain, I cannot think of anything I have ever enjoyed more... 

O’BRIEN notices the second ODO, does a spit take from his pint.

O’BRIEN: Jaysus! Odo – there’s two of you! 

BASHIR: Oh, dear. But which one is the real Odo?

O’BRIEN: (panic stricken) ‘Ow are we gonna tell ‘em apaert?

Quark enters, whistling, strips of latinum sticking out of his pockets, and carrying a tray laden with tiny buckets, full of shimmering golden liquid; approaches ODO 2.

QUARK: There you are, constable! You simply must try one of my limited-edition-commemorative-Constable-Odo-Day-Odo-bucket cocktails – just 1 strip of lat… Well, for you, I guess it’s on the house... But don’t get used to it.

ODO 2: How generous, Quark – thank you! (accepts drink, shoots it)

SISKO: (puzzled) Odo, I’ve seen your coffee trick, but I didn’t think you’d moved on to actually… ingesting food and drink? Perhaps I should have planned that banquet after all...

ODO: (enraged/bemused) I think if everything else wrong with this picture hasn’t clued you in, Doctor, that should answer your question – this impostor did an all right job of impersonating me, apparently enough to fool the Captain, but – can you imagine me being so pleasant to Quark, quaffing down one of his cheap gimmicks – or enjoying baseball?!

BASHIR: … Now that you mention it, no. 

FOUNDER 48Σπ7 (nee ODO 2): (transforms into other, oddly shaped humanoid Founder) Who would have thought, on a station so large, we would bump into each other like this?! Grah! (transports away. To where? Who cares!)

ODO: That’s what I was trying to tell you, while you two fools wouldn’t stop yammering about darts – there was another Founder on the station, wreaking who knows what kind of havoc and now they’ve escaped! (turning to Quark, rage building) And you! Using my… image… to make money? On Constable Odo Day?!

QUARK: (backing away, nervous) You know, Odo, you really should be thanking me – after all, it was my limited-edition-commemorative-Constable-Odo-Day-Odo-bucket mini cocktails that tipped everyone off that you weren’t… quite yourself today....

ODO: (frustrated) QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!

-FIN-

—

Check out Ames, Jake, and Chris’s stories for more Tales from the Holodeck! Also, be sure to keep listening on SoundCloud, follow us on Facebook and Twitter, and pick up your own limited-edition-commemorative-Constable-Odo-Day-Odo-bucket mini cocktail at Quark’s, on us!