#which I haven't done since approximately 2018

[apocalyptichearts]

tweaking the fuck out over garmau rn– this rewatch is KILLING me

[seeingteacupsindragons]

Making a list of the things I've written since the beginning of 2016 to remind myself of stuff I've got done since my mental health collapsed and I had to rebuild it

New draft of Ambrose's book for an R&R (2016-2017, even though the original book was pre-2016)

About 60k words of a bloated, awful book that was abandoned and is unsalvageable, honestly

A monstrous 150k first draft, a second draft that cut it down to about 90k, poked at a third draft, before also abandoning it

About 55k of a NaNo project that was abandoned before actually being finished, because it sucked. But I did win NaNo that year

Two drafts of Tiadane's book (about 2/3 done of draft three)

About 25k words of Avel's book; on hold due to not having time to properly untangle the narrative while revisions are in-progress; not abandoned.

5 CHKDSK short stories, approximating like 23-24k? Each are between 3-5k

That short story I posted on Tumblr like a month ago (roughly 3k)

Various flash fic pieces and unfinished projects (no real clear number, just lots of noodling around with generally less than 2k each, if even that

Anyway, it feels like I haven't accomplished a lot in those last seven years because so many of the things I tried were just awful and needed to be abandoned before completion, which I hadn't done since early college, so it felt weird at the time.

But it's also kind of reassuring to see that I was trying so many different things. I never gave up looking, even when nothing was working out.

Anyway, burnout sucks, trying to write with deeply untreated mental illness is hard, and frankly, on top of being some of the most difficult writing years of my life, everything sucked.

I think I've come out of this period a better writer, but jeez, there's honestly some writing trauma I had to work through because of how badly it was going for a while there and how all my writing went completely to shit from a skill perspective.

And not even in a levelling up way. The books I wrote in 2015 are better than the ones I wrote in 2018, even though they're worse than the ones I write in 2023. They were just very bad.

Just looking at three solidly attempted novels that were given up is something kind of tragic and horrifying. Feels like something slaughtered that I had to struggle past after watching it die horribly.

Especially knowing how hard it was to even get anything written of those projects. I fought so hard for what feels like nothing.

Trauma.

I think thinking about it that way, and recognizing that I had to rebuild my entire writing process that I'd had for nearly two decades as it fell down around me, helps me think about why recovering has taken so long and been so tentative and slow.

[caszscountrycraftsblog]

Update

Hi all,

I haven't posted for a while due to three issues. First up I have had the flue which sat me on my tush being very sick for three months. The flue seasion this year in Australia has been very bad with a lot of deaths.

After developing a really bad chest infection & having trouble breathing I ended up on several lots of antibiotics and cortisone tablets to get on top of it.

I am now over the flue thankfully which with having my flue shot late & the flue running through Australia early it didnt help me this year. Although in saying that I didn't get pneumonia so that was at least a posative.

Im still having treatment on my face which weve been travelling to Melbourne fortnightly which also hasnt helped with trying to stay well. Hospitals are not healthy places.

I am finally on the end of that so am now on Monthly appointments as of next month which Im actually relieved with as the traveling is crippling me atm.

We travel over 600 kilometers to my Accommodation so its a few days of traveling than running around for appointments.

Being patient 0 now since 2015 has been difficult. Mainly as with them never having done this type of facial reconstruction work done it has ment a lot of operations & appointments, due to trying new techniques and correcting mistakes, but on that note we are finally experiencing a win there and I should be finished by the end of October.

They are now also training other surgons in this area & working on other patients so knowing this is pretty humbling as others are now getting there pallets reconstructed better and are now having teeth implants put into newly developed jaw reconstructions which has come from me fighting the hospital systems here wanting a better quality a life.

So there has been many Nurses, surgeons, Specialists, Therapists, Speech therapists helping me fight to live and try to give me a better quality of life! For that I'm extremely grateful & lucky.

Some of my surgeons have also flown in from Canada, Germany, England & France with my Jaw Reconstruction work. That alone was a 19 hr surgery a team of over 100 people. I nearly died as my blood supply failed and because it was life-threatening I was operated in under 30 days. I also missed my youngest daughters wedding from my jaw reconstructions which I was devastated at missing due to the restrictions the hospital placed on me. She did look beautiful in her wedding dress on her wedding day though I will say.

For those of you who dont my history I was diagnosed with mouth & throat cancer in 2009. My life expectancy from my initial diagnosis was 3 to 4 years. Im still alive & have fought my cancer now for over 10 years & endured over 36 surgeries now! I was operated on 48 hours after my diagnosis so it didn't give me much time to process it & fighting it with every doctor and specialist telling me I was going to DIE made fighting it extremely difficult. Its also been extremely hard on my family & children.

From all my surgeries & hospital appointments plus operations I started crocheting & Knitting again, which is how Casz's Country Crafts was born in 2018. You can follow me & support me through Instagram at caszs_country_crafts, Facebook @CaszsCrafts & my website withFree Patterns & Wednesday Pattern Pics Blog, crochet & Knitting Accessories, Needles and Notions.

So come November I'll finally finish I hope & can move on with my life and living. Trying to keep a business running throughout this all has been difficult but Im managing to keep it their and Im looking forward to being active with my business again after all this treatment for Cancer and Cancer reconstruction work!

My Business is still alve thankfully to ALL OF YOU who follow me, purchase from me and support me. So a very big THANKYOU for that for without all of your support #caszs_country_crafts wouldn't be here!

Since January I've had problems walking, sitting and traveling which is my third problem. We finally know whats wrong which is fantastic but it too is goung to take approximately a year to get me on my feet again!

It seems I have torn a glute muscle from thigh off the bone!

Which 1 I keep tearing it with traveling, lifting and walking. At least I now know why Ive not been able to sit at my computer which I need to do to research and write all my articles plus my blogs.

We are now adapting everthing we need to at home, Ive commenced treatment but till my face is finished Im going to keep going forwards & backwards. As I'm tearing the muscle more with lifting and traveling, sitting & walking. Its definitely affected my daily life & very painful.

Im also trying to learn new computer programs to help in this issue plus where about to change my chair plus adapt aids so I can start redoing my blogs & articles. I carnt go back to all my hand dyeing yet but I'll get there.

It is at least repairable and if it dosnt want to cooperate than surgery again is an option to reattach the muscle. Im am hoping though Im able to win with a slow recovery and no surgery.

Where aiming that I csn return to work partime by November at least with all my Social Networking. Untill than I'll do what Im able as health permits.

So, as you see Ive got my hands full with a few issues at present, I'm not giving up so please stick with me with your support!

I'm definitely needing it with my Social Networking sites! Thankyou again too those of you who follow me here, on Facebook, Instagram, Pintrest & twitter! If your not on there please pop in and check me out as your support helps me to keep going forward!

Thought I'd update you all now we know whats going on. Have a wonderful week everyone!

Carey

Caszs Country Crafts