#when you've never been shown kindness before its hard to show it to someone else

[starofhisheart]

So much of the "bad" behaviour in ofmd are trauma responses and i love that they show how yeah sometimes we dont respond in the most healthy of ways, we fuck up and we hurt those closest to us, but we still deserve love and kindness at the end of the day

Just so important to me

[cupiohearts]

CUPID IS SO STUPID ?! - kazuha, albedo, kaeya, diluc, aether, alhaitham, childe.

there were a total of 7 people you've been ever loved before. all of them you loved for every word they've ever said. all of them have rejected your love and every word stung.

after 7 years they all got sent your letters. reading it and understanding the same feelings that you had. seeing how you saw them.

KAZUHA was your childhood friend when you were younger. someone who you knew well due to your parents. it was a dumb childish puppy love that no one took seriously not even him.

"kazuha!" you cheerfully exclaimed as soon as you went to daycare. he was at the front with his stuffed animal of a small white cat one that his older friend had given him.

immediately taking his hand inside of yours and holding onto it tight. your parents looked from afar as they saw clear signs their daughter was falling in love with someone. they were whispering amongst themselves about how long it would last till you latched onto someone else.

you paid no mind to this because how could you ever love someone else when kazuha is right there. happily talking to him about your weekends although he already knew since you spent the weekends at his place.

it's been 8 years from kindergarten and you were still friends with kazuha and no matter how hard you try. no matter how many hints were thrown his way he wouldnt pay you any mind. chalking it up to something similar to how a little sister views her older brother.

it was only in the middle of summer did you realize that your feelings would never be taken seriously.

that summer you were sitting on the field with your friends when you saw kazuha from far away. you watched as he talked to his friends and talked to the girls around him. a sting in your heart.

you watched as his expressions changed while talking to them. a face he's never shown you before, the face someone makes while talking to someone that makes them nervous.

he didnt see you as a friend, he saw you more like a sister.

.

.

.

kazuha was now in his late 20's. he wasnt strictly tied down to any work place but he was known to freelance around the crux's fleet.

a shop on the seaside that sold all kinds of goods from the ocean. often seen hanging inside the shop as somewhat of an exibit for people to see considering how pretty he is.

beidou came strolling inside, running her hand through her hair while holding a small letter in her hands. "its for you kazuha. havent opened it yet. its from someone with the intials yn." she says to him. placing the letter next to him where he was admiring the view.

"y.n? i dont think i recall knowing someone with intials like that" he muttered. taking his headphones off and rested it on his shoulders. grabbing the letter and gently opening it up.

a letter. a formally written one. not a typed up one that would be professionally made. the handwriting was hard to read but he could recognize the handwriting still.

'kazuha,

i really really really really really REALLY like you. :D i hope we can still be friends even if you dont like me back because i enjoy hanging out with you and youre my best friend in the whole world! - (y/n)' alongside doodles of stick figures holding hands with flowers and hearts.

theres something written near the bottom in a pen instead of crayon. this handwriting was different. one he doesnt recognize all too well. compared to roughness of the crayon and the letter. the words written with pen were gentle and a bit shaky.

'i just found this. if you ever recieve this letter please visit me someday. i would love to catch up and see how you are'

kazuha felt his heart race a bit. the corners of his mouth glide wider and he chuckles at the letter. "my childhood friend sent me a love letter from back when she was a kid. i wondered why she strayed so far away from me back then.. now i know" he says to beidou. showing her the letter in his hands.

a light blush on his face as he rereads the letter over and over again.

you had drifted apart from him when you two reached middle school. he assumed it was because you two were becoming teenagers and just matured. now he understands it was because you were in love. he supposed you were too shy back then to tell him your feelings.

oh how he wished he couldve told you how he felt.

[tideswept]

I was tagged by @yourfavoritefridge and am taking a page from @sendpseuds ('s) book and answering this while deeply compromised. Sober, I am not.

You have been warned!

1.) How many works do you have on ao3?

62!

2.) What's your ao3 word count?

800,347! (Ooh, big round number!)

3.) What fandoms do you write for?

Currently: Kingsman & Star Wars. (I really never thought I'd be in either of them but I'm glad I am.)

4.) What are your top five fics by kudos?

gold and pink and glittering: 498, Hartwin, E. I'm still surprised to this day how much people liked it. First smut in several years.

the lean and hungry type: 453, Obikin, E. First time getting to do alpha/beta, and written from around 11pm to 4 am and then another hour proofreading. I was mildly delirious, ngl.

offer a little salt for that wound: 463, Hartwin, E. OOH man I had this one in my head and wouldn't leave me tf alone. My plot bunnies aren't USUALLY visual, but this one was!

cold water on your tongue: 429, Obikin, E. Still surprised this one took off tbh! I had a lot of moments where the fic felt awkward to me and not worth salvaging. But I think it makes people happy, and god, I can't really ask for more than that!

somebody to lie in the dark with: 302, Obikin, E. That's the second time today I've typed something instead of someone in that title. HMM. (Sith-Wan, my darling!)

5.) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do when I can! Have a pretty decent streak going, I think? I think I owe a really lovely commenter from like 5 days ago and nnnghh the guilt is heavy.

6.) What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Potentially empty spaces, empty phrases (Obikin) depending on how you decide the ending goes! But objectively: let me stay (TimJon).

7.) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

oh fuck, who are you, the cops? (me, looking at my fics in despair)

I think the honor goes to cold water on your tongue. Everything else tends to end in a bittersweet or incomplete ("to be continued") kind of way.

8.) Do you get hate on fics?

Not outside of TMA. It's been absolutely lovely being in Kingsman / Obikin fandoms. I genuinely showed up here low-key scared for my life, and I've been shown nothing but kindness and support.

9.) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes, and welcome to the first of the "UH IDK? [awkward shrug/hand wave]" questions because... I have no idea how to answer that. Like, what are the quantifiers here? Level of depth (NO PUN INTENDED) in how explicit it is, or what bits are rubbing against what bits, or like, if I specialize in any particular kind of smut (if there aren't pins for "I WRITE BDSM SMUT", I demand we print them) or— tldr: IDK. Vibe. The vibe kind. oh my god not vibrator vibe brain why are you doing this

10.) Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Nope. I've thought about fusions, though! Like, I feel a fic where Obi-Wan is a Kingsman and picks Anakin as his candidate--maybe it was Qui-Gon's dying request still, and when Obi-Wan became a knight and a seat next opened up, he reluctantly said, FINE.

(Now I'm wondering what knight Obi-Wan would be. Gawain? The original version of him, not the vulgarized mythos of later romances. Which leaves Anakin to be Agravaian, which is pretty perfect tbh. I mean he could also be Mordred since they're all brothers)

11.) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yup! Multiple times. It never stops feeling Not Okay.

12.) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of?

13.) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Nope.

14.) What's your all time favorite ship?

oh fuck you are the cops.

Uh. tbh this is a really hard question until I asked myself: a 100k fic written by an amazing author: what pairing would you be more excited about? And my heart... my heart said Hartwin.

15.) What's a WIP you'd like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Ahh, sadly the post-Vday canon divergence Hartwin fic. I'm told it stands on its own as is, though. So maybe that counts for something?

16.) What are your writing strengths?

I have no idea. You saw what happened during the smut question, I fell apart like a jenga tower! And that was a simple question!

Honestly though, I don't know. That I manage to carry enough vibes to be entertaining? That's pretty good.

17.) What are your writing weaknesses?

I will not clutch the camera and shove my face into it and whisper everything in a voice ragged with despair I will not clutch th—

18.) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Google Translate, my dearest friend. (Unless it's Spanish, I can handle that on my own.)

Granted, if I have a friend who speaks the language, you can bet I'm knocking down their door like a SWAT squad.

19.) First fandom you wrote for?

UH SO FUNNY STORY. I watched IT (the TV series) when I was like, 7. Was very confused for many reasons (partly because I missed the first hour) but also i was a Weird Child, and also Not American.

But! I didn't know it was based off a book written by a dude, so one day I just... started writing the story down in a notebook when I was 8. Because I figured I liked the movie (I assumed it was a movie at the time) so much, why NOT turn it into something to read?

20.) Favorite fic you've ever written?

Beholding's Own. Lightning-in-a-bottle kind of situation, 10+ year break from writing, and also re-entering fandom after said 10+ year long break. It's really hard to live up to that kind of fondness.

From new fics? the devil is a gentleman. I can't help it, this Obi-Wan and Anakin are hilarious. They are so dumb and yet so smart.

I'm supposed to tag people now for this, so imagine me throwing Your Candy of Choice at @irrationalsense, @veloursdor, @kingdomvel and @howlbrooklyn like a fastball. (And anyone else who'd like to do it!)

[yttsimp]

heya would you be willing to do a ranger x gn reader dating hcs? its alright if not!

I'm not dead!!

Rio Ranger General Relationship Hcs

Flavor: Rio Ranger x gn!reader

Warnings: Ranger's a bit of a dick ngl

Headcanons under the cut v

Imma just say right off the bat, you've got your work cut out for you dating this asshole.

He is constantly testing your patience, teasing you and pulling pranks on you just to see your reaction.

He thrives on annoying the hell out of you. After all, he knows you're the only one who can put up with him.

At first, Ranger is gonna be very cold with you.

It frustrates him how he can't figure you out. Why do you want to be with him? He's insufferable and he knows it. So why are you getting so close with him?

He'll reject your advances and do things to piss you off, seeing how far he can go before you snap.

Eventually, you do.

After a particularly nasty insult from him, you finally break and tears start falling from your eyes.

And for some reason, he doesn't feel the accomplishment he thought he would.

Instead, he feels strangely...guilty?

He stares at you blankly for a moment as you break down, trying to process what he's feeling before he realizes.

Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you as much as he thinks he does.

Maybe he actually enjoys your company?

Finally accepting it, he sighs before kneeling down in front of you. Words get caught in his throat for a moment before he finally manages to speak.

"I...I'm sorry. I didn't think..."

Once again, words get caught in his throat. God, why did this have to be so damn difficult?

So instead of using his words, he simply opts to wrap his arms around you for the first time, pulling you close to him in a silent apology as you sob into his chest.

After that, he gets a lot sweeter on you. He still enjoys teasing and pranking you, don't get me wrong, but it's toned down quite a bit.

He doesn't want to make you cry like that ever again.

He's very awkward with physical affection. It's not that it flusters him; it confuses him more than anything.

He's unsure of what to do when you suddenly lace your fingers with his or hug him from behind as a greeting.

He acts as if nothing's wrong, but any time you show him affection he bluescreens in confusion.

Be patient with him, he's never been shown this kind of affection before so he's gonna be very confused.

Over time, he'll get used to it and finally put two and two together on how to react.

He'll start returning your hugs and squeezing your hand back, but not without a teasing remark being thrown in there.

His love language is quality time. He enjoys your time together, and tries to make it as fun as possible for the both of you.

Even if that means you're at the receiving end of his teasing and joking insults.

Yeah, he's gonna be a bit of a bully no matter what.

He has a hard time expressing his love, but he does occasionally manage to tell you. It's hardly ever through words, boy has such a hard time with them. Instead, he prefers to show his affection through gifts and physical touch.

Listen to me. I am speaking directly in your ear. His weakness? Call him pretty boy. Call him pretty boy and you'll send him straight to Jesus.

It's the only time you'll manage to fluster him. And no, he never gets used to it, so feel free to use it as your personal weapon.

When he's flustered, he finally shuts up for once and simply stares at you, heat rushing to his face. He gets stiff and nervous.

He'll remain like that for about a minute before he's brought back to earth and he throws some petty insult as a defense mechanism.

Another way to make him nervous (though not exactly flustered) is through kisses.

At first, he thought kissing was gross. Putting your lips against someone else's lips? Ew. To him, it was like asking for germs.

But once you kissed him for the first time, that all changed.

Kissing quickly becomes his favorite form of affection.

He'll never tell you that though, he would rather die than tell you. Instead, he'll opt to side eye you every few seconds, hoping you get the message and kiss him.

His second love language is gift giving. He'll never get too ambitious with his gifts, but he likes to give you little knick knacks and things he finds to show his affection.

As I've said before, he has a hard time with words, but gift giving is his way of circumventing that.

It takes him a long time, but eventually, something along these lines happens:

You two are on a date somewhere, probably at a park or a cafe. As usual, he's messing with you and throwing teasing remarks your way.

As the night grows, you'll find yourself heading home for the night.

As you approach the door and get your key out to unlock it, he stops you.

"Y/n, hey, wait a sec."

As you turn around to look at him, he shuffles nervously.

"Look, I don't know why, but...you've always been really kind to me. And I...appreciate that."

"I love you."

That's all he says as he looks away from your shocked gaze.

"W-Why are you looking at me like that, dumbass?? I'm just saying how I feel!"

Kiss this asshole and he'll shut up for once.

At first, he's a complete dick who seems to only want to cause you pain. But as your relationship continues, he comes to learn that maybe you aren't so bad. And maybe he loves you way more than he thought at first.

He just hopes he can find it in him to tell you more often.

[twstgabrielle]

"I'm sorry but do I know you.....?"

Who could have imagined that one little sentence could completely ruin someone's entire life. Certainly not Jamil, that is until he'd heard it. It was a sentence he never would have thought he'd ever hear. Especially not from him of all people.

Not from Kalim.

"Do you know me...??? Yes you do! We grew up together! We're in the same dormitory! We've literally known each other since we were small children!"

Jamil said not really able to process what he was hearing. Especially from someone who he'd hated as much as adored. The person in question meanwhile just flinched at the tone Jamil used, looking slightly uneasy.

"I-I'm sorry but I honestly don't know who you are........"

Kalim said sounding on edge. It struck Jamil in a way he'd never felt before. In all of his years serving the Al-Asiam family he'd never felt this kind of pain. Not even when he'd been poisoned when he was a small boy. The pain he felt at that moment was shocking to say the least.

"Kalim please......you have to remember me......it's me Jamil Viper. Your.....your friend......"

Jamil said trying not to get too upset. All the dark haired man received was a blank stare of confusion. Kalim honestly didn't recognize him, there was nothing in his gaze to hint that he remembered who he was. And it damn well nearly broke Jamil right there and then.

'Please don't do this......'

The young man couldn't handle it. The ugly truth that was now looking at him.

'Kalim please look at me....! Remember me please......!'

It wasn't fair. It was a sick, cruel joke. Only something like this would happen to Jamil Viper. He'd had just started to get along with Kalim again. He'd just started to build that friendship even if hesitantly at the beginning. He'd just started to finally close that gap that had been between them since they were children. He'd finally started to get somewhere with Kalim.....perhaps somewhere more than he ever foreseen happening.

"Look uh......Jamil right? I'm really sorry, but I think I'd remember someone like you and I can't recall ever seeing you in my life......maybe you've mistakened me for someone else.....? Anyways I could try to help you find him....."

Kalim said his bright red eyes giving him a concerned and slightly uneasy look. It hurt seeing Kalim look at him like that. Looking at him like he was a complete stranger. Like being around Jamil made him feel uncomfortable. Never had Kalim ever looked at him like that. Not even when Jamil had betrayed him a few years ago and Overblotted, Kalim had never shown him any kind of look of being uneasy or uncomfortable around him. Just smiles and laughter and understanding. Jamil would kill to see Kalim smile at him. It was suddenly too much and he had to leave. Expression going carefully blank, he stepped back, refusing to let his emotions show.

"No it's fine. I'm sorry for bothering you, my mistake. I just remembered I have some things to do, if you'll excuse me."

Jamil said sounding almost robotic like. Kalim went to reach out to him but Jamil already left, speedwalking away from the boy who didn't remember him.

~~~~~

Jamil didn't pay attention to where he was walking. All he knew was that he needed to get away before he completely lost it. Stepping out into the scorching desert sun, Jamil made his way towards the fountain, barely keeping track of his surroundings. Fellow Scarabia students moved out of his way, sensing that something had upset the vice dorm leader. When he had finally managed to get to the fountain that was far enough away from prying eyes Jamil broke down. With a loud curse he grabbed a nearby rock and flung it as hard as he could hitting the side of the fountain and leaving an ugly mark on its spout. But he didn't care, no at that moment a mark on the fountain was the least of his worries.

With an overbearing emotional pain hitting him Jamil Viper for the first time in a long time had finally broken down. He screamed curses and threw things. He cursed everything and he cursed his luck. By the time he'd finished his voice was hoarse from screaming, his fingers bleeding from tearing up rocks from the ground and throwing them and his eyes stung brutally.

'I lost him......I lost Kalim......'

The thought was so damning it nearly crushed him. It was almost funny how he was reacting to Kalim losing his memories of him. Had this happened a few years ago, back when Jamil had actively hated Kalim to the point where he had Overblotted and nearly killed him for his freedom, he would have been overjoyed by Kalim's missing memories. It would have meant that Jamil could finally be free, that he could finally step out from Kalim's shadow and finally shine for once. But he wasn't that person anymore. No after the Overblot occurred, him and Kalim had come to an understanding of sorts. Kalim had granted Jamil his freedom, despite the near death experience. The young heir had stepped down from the spotlight and let Jamil have his chance to shine all while cheering him on much to Jamil's annoyance and surprise.

They were finally equals, Kalim and Jamil became rivals of sorts. Competing for things, yet never too harshly. And with this new understanding came a mending of their broken friendship. Slowly but surely Jamil and Kalim's friendship patched itself back together, now with Jamil being more open about the things that bothered him and Kalim being more observant and self sufficient. They grew closer than they had been before, having actual genuine moments with one another and enjoying each other's company. Though Jamil still acted as if he didn't care for Kalim it could have been further from the truth. Their friendship became something that Jamil treasured. He began to look forward to spending time with Kalim, to the point where he'd started noticing things about him.

Like the way his silver white hair shined in the sun, making it look like he was surrounded by a halo. Or how Kalim's laughter was contagious, bringing a strange warmth to Jamil's chest when he heard the heir laughing. Or how Kalim's eyes looked like precious red jewels in the Scarabia dorms treasury, sparkling with happiness and kindness. Or how Kalim's smile seemed to shine brighter than the sun, how his hand would feel warm in Kalim's. It was the little things that Jamil began to notice, little things that he found himself looking at secretly. Little things that had slowly started to make Jamil feel things.

Things that he shouldn't feel for someone like Kalim.

If the teen was being completely honest with himself, he knew deep down that despite his denials of it, that he'd fallen in love with Kalim. Somewhere along the line of rebuilding their friendship and trust in one another and getting to know one another better he'd fallen hard for the man who was technically his master until he became the head of his family. Jamil couldn't help but think back to only last week when he'd crossed the line with Kalim. When he'd in a way let him know of his feelings. Jamil could still feel it, the way the smaller man's lips felt against his. He could see it, the surprised look on his face before Kalim's eyes had slipped shut and he had kissed him back. That moment was the moment that Jamil realized that what he felt was mutual. They never said anything to one another after that night, however there was something there after that night. Touches that lasted too long, silent conversations shared through gazes, a thick tension building between them with each tender moment or touch.

'And now it's gone......he's gone.......'

Jamil's heart broke in a sharp way as the reality hit him. That Kalim would never remember that night, would never remember all the things they'd been through. He'd never remember the good times or the bad times they shared. Kalim would never remember him. Would never remember the feelings they'd shared. All of it was gone and there was nothing Jamil could do about. He'd lost Kalim, he never got to say those words to him. He never got to kiss him one last time. To Kalim, Jamil was nothing more than a confused stranger. A person that he never knew and it was the most painful thing Jamil had ever felt.

Fate was a cruel, cruel mistress.

*Ya know I have no excuse for this. I just wanted Jamil x Kalim and I went and began to write and now I'm suffering ahhhhhhh-! Look I love them but they're just so perfect for angsty stuff like god damn. Anyways if any y'all read this I hope you enjoyed it!!!*

[chilly-me-softly]

Can you do a DCL blurb? You see each other for the first time a few months after a brutal break up that was because you accused him of having no time for you and him denying it but now he misses you and regrets not treating you right. He's pretty passionate about getting you back and you've got your walls built high so its a bit of a run and chase and at the end you both make up. Thx

Dom sighs as he looks around the house that is so quiet except for the sound of the rain that has been falling incessantly since that morning. He took a shower after returning from training, grabbed something to eat and plopped down on the couch, shuddering at the thought of going outside to pass the time and maybe get wet again. He literally plays under the worst weather conditions most of the time, yet when it wasn't those ninety minutes everything was less bearable.

Usually on days like that he stayed in the house exactly as he was doing, but in addition he had you. You were there to fill his day and his mind. Even just being quiet was fine as long as he could hold you in his arms. And now he hates those days because they make him think. How he managed to ruin everything and, more importantly, how he didn't notice.

It was a period full of work, after a run of games more than positive he had managed to get a permanent place in the first eleven and was willing to work hard every single day to make the coach understand that that place had always been his. Goals flew in and out and everyone seemed to have discovered what a great talent he was.

He was the first to arrive and the last to leave, always asking the coaches what he could do to improve or his teammates to do some extra training sessions. The call to the senior national team was his next goal.

Everything was going well, it was the best time of his life until that moment. And then came the cold shower. Suddenly he had you in his house telling him that he could no longer go on like that, that you were no longer a priority for him and that you were no longer willing to feel like a spare wheel put there only when he remembered.

In the beginning he didn't want to see the reality, he thought he could juggle his career and your relationship. You had never made a big deal of it before, never even hinted at it, and he thought you just needed some time to get used to the new attention that was inevitably affecting you too. But this had not been the case.

You hadn't met since your break up - you'd only sent him a text congratulating him on his call-up to the national team - not until the day before. But that's not why he's thinking about you. Seeing you again suddenly made him realise what he had been missing in those months, what was that sense of incompleteness he felt in everything he did. It was you.

And he could see it now, how he had put himself and his career first, taking for granted that you would always support him. All the times your eyes had turned off but you kept smiling so he wouldn't see that you were disappointed when he cancelled your plans yet again. You'd always been right and he'd probably blown the best thing he'd had outside of football because he hadn't been able to figure out what he had in his hands.

Was it too late to fix things? Had you already moved on with someone else? Were you also spending hours looking at his pictures on Instagram or your photos in the gallery? Would you have wanted to talk to him? The rain showed no sign of wanting to stop, Dominic's mind kept adding questions with every passing minute creating false scenarios just for the sake of torturing him.

Making things right with you would be his next goal, he had decided at that moment. Because when he set his mind to something he would do anything to get it done and you were definitely worth it. And when he had you back by his side, because he would, he would never stop showing you how much he cared about you. He wouldn't have made the same mistake twice. He just had to be able to talk to you first.

-

"Hi. Can we talk?" he had shown up in front of your house unannounced, determined to at least take the first step for the day. Before his mind could somehow lead him to think that maybe you could be better off without him, that his train had passed, and that you were now happy with someone else.

Finally after what seems like hours, you step aside to let him in and stepping inside a sense of nostalgia makes its way inside him. There's no longer your picture at the front door, the one that always made him crack a smile as soon as he saw it and he's a little afraid to find out what other changes you've made in your life in such a short time.

"I have an appointment in a while so if you could get straight to the point..."

"With a guy?" he can't help himself, and your raised eyebrow tells him that there is a response coming that he won't like.

"None of your business" you reply in fact quite coldly crossing your arms over your chest and assuming your classic defensive posture.

"Sorry" Dom lowers his gaze for a moment, only bringing it back to you as you sigh. "What did you come here for Dom?"

"I just want to talk"

"About what?" you scratch an eyebrow in confusion.

"I figured out what went wrong between us, what I did wrong to lose you"

"Dominic"

"No" he interrupts whatever you were about to say, "please (Y/N), let me talk" you remain silent and he takes it as a sign to continue.

"It took me a while but I understood what you said that day, about how I was only thinking about training and how I gradually left you behind more and more" he studies you for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I didn't want to see it, I couldn't... I really thought I had it all in that moment. But yours was a wake up call, because I didn't really have anything. And if I had kept this up I would not only have lost you, but most likely everything else as well"

"I'm glad this story helped you" you reply not wanting to give him any satisfaction and not letting your guard down for a moment.

"I want to fight, to improve myself and for both of us" for the first time Dominic takes a step towards you and you hold out an arm forward to stop him. He kind of expected it but it still hurts.

"It's not with two words that you're going to fix this"

"I know, I know I've screwed everything up badly. But I really want to make things right between us. So just in case what's coming up is a date with a guy... well don't get too attached" he winks at you before deciding to leave, that's enough for a first time. He needs to take you gradually or he'll never get those walls down.

Anywone wants a part 2? I think I didn’t fulfill my task here but it was getting too long 🙈

Part 2

[curious-sootball]

Cw: mentions and discussion of abuse and violence; spoilers for the entire Guardians of Ga'hoole series.

Alright, I went over my screencaps/notes about legends of ga'hoole to roast lord Arrin, and realised that I almost forgot how ridiculously snobby Grank is (on top of the series's fantastic racism) and how nobody calls him out on that during the main timeline, when Soren, Coryn and the band are reading the legends. (The second half of the series really swerves into "Owls vs owls is bad, but owls vs everyone else is okay", and it frustrates me to no end. Yes, it was present from the start, i'm aware, this doesn't make it any less annoying)

One of my biggest problems with this arc and the rest of the series from book 9 onwards is the simplification of both conflicts and characters; even if you try and temporarily take the disturbing real world parallels from the picture, the fact that the series went from more nuanced to more simple conflicts and characterisation as its (assumed) target demographic was growing up is kind of disappointing. Did Lasky expect her readers to loose their reading comprehension after six books of "There is no such thing as inherently good or inherently bad species, and even 'good' characters can have biases they have to work through"??? There was a tendency to give antagonist characters relatively little depth before, but the Legends swerve into it hard, and it is pretty disappointing to me because those are the setup for the rest of this series; they are supposed to show that hagsfiends are formidable threat, and I have trouble suspending my disbelief when author repeatedly uses "tell, not show" for that, especially when I know that author is capable of doing it better, writing a believable and genuinely terrifying setup for their antagonists. Think about it: st. Aegolius is basically a cult(it seems to have been an abbey or a scolar community at some point, but it horrifically strayed from its original purpose), the Pure ones hunt and kill owls of other species for sports as part of their training and use a murder of a family member as a graduation test, and what do we get for hagsfiends? "Evil, evil, evil; scary, scary, scary; their only braincell processes only spite, rage and hunger; they behead their enemies and use heads as trophies;" this may sound cynical, but after eight books of brainwashing, cannibalism and infanticide carried out by owls this doesn't sound all that terrifying, especially paired with "tell, don't show" and keeping them intentionally one-dimensional. I was convinced that the previous antagonists were horrible people because you've shown it, Kathryn: someone willing to kidnap hundreds, possibly thousands kids and turn them into mindless thralls without batting an eye, or willing to murder their younger siblings in a loyalty test and only regretting not straight up killing them after they turn out to be alive is legitimately terrifying. Also, both in st. Aggie's and among pure ones there were somewhat amicable characters – Grimble saves the sanity of our two first main characters, Philip is genuinely good froend towards Nyroc; I'm not entirely sure whether Ginger was supposed to be a character who failed a redemption arc or just a straight up spy; but all allegedly "good" characters associated with hagsfiends are condemned by the narrative in one way or another: Lutta gets killed after being discovered, Kreeth (Lutta's parental figure after Pleek and Ygreek abandoned her) agressively rebutts all family-like affection (chewing Puffowl out when he calls her "mom", insisting that Lutta calls her "aunt(ie)", you get the picture), Ygreek and her husband abandoning their (admittedly stolen) child after she turns out to be a changeling, and not straight up owl or hagsfiend. Also, a very minor point compared to the rest, bit you can count named hagsfiends with fingers on one hand(Penryck, Ygreek, Kreeth, Ullryck and Mycroft. The last one never fails to make me chuckle.) Pleek, the great horned owl and Ygreek's husband, is said to become "more haggish", whatever the hell that implies. The narrative treats haggish traits as something inherently evil, a point of no return, and I hate this so. freaking. much.

Another element of the legends that falls apart if you think too much about it: the framing device for this arc is three chronicle books written by Grank, Theo and someone else, and the further we go, the more actual content of the book strays from what the pov-characters could've known. However, the band acts like they read the same text we did (The most glaring example, at least to me, is Lutta's story – she's a changeling who was manipulated into impersonating Emerilla and got killed almost immediately after real Emerilla showed up. There is no way anyone among the Hoole's supporters could've known her life story, especially the way its written in the 11th book.).

[marsbutterfly]

I’ll Stand By You

Note: This is a direct continuation of a previous story called Letters to You. It's also the ending of a trilogy I wrote for Hanji. I'm so happy to finally be able to share it with all of you. I hope you enjoy it and if you feel comfortable, let me know what you think!

Previous Chapter

AO3 Version! | Wattpad Version!

Summary: No matter the amount of research you've done in your life, with Hanji or by yourself, nothing could have ever prepared you for the sight that greeted you.

"What in the world is going on here?"

You look at the destroyed castle ahead of you. Fear runs through your veins as you notice the titans storming the premises.

The sun barely shining from behind the walls, you notice the damage around you is far too great for it to have just started.

By the looks of it, the cadets have been fighting for at least a couple of hours.

"But that's not possible. Titans have never shown any signs that they could walk at night!" You think to yourself as you gently tap the sides of your horse, making it go faster.

You get ready to draw your blades when you lay your eyes on the five teenagers standing on the roof. They are too far away and screaming would be pointless.

Until you notice someone jump off the roof and before you know it, bright lightning comes falling from the sky, much like when Eren transforms.

You decide to slow down for a few minutes while the 3-meter class titan takes down several of its kind before getting its hair pulled, making it hard for It to move. From afar, you hear Krista's voice:

"If you're going to die protecting this tower, forget about it! Tear it down!"

You can feel your heart skip a bit, Maybe I misheard her, you think to yourself. Is it possible that this small, big-headed titan is one of them?

From all your research and theories, you did come across the possibility of other people having the same power as Eren and Annie, but you didn't realize there could be another person in such close proximity to you with this ability.

As the teenagers now rest on the floor, surrounded by all the debris and dead titans, you switch onto your gear preparing to kill the remaining titans.

"Are you guys ok?" You ask, striking the first one. They all smile at you, the relief on their faces is undeniable. That brings a smile to your face.

"Holy shit, I have never been so happy to see you, Y/N!" Connie says before putting his hands on the back of his head, you can see a few tears coming down his cheeks as they run after Christa.

Before you have time to do anything, you see a titan in front of her, about to grab her small body with its hands. As you prepare to kill it, you see a figure fly past you and strike one blow to the titan's nape.

You smile at the black-haired girl standing on top of a pile of rocks.

"Mikasa!"

"We'll take it from here. Come on, Y/N"

You nod at her before taking off, killing at least 3 titans on the way.

.

Once the Scouts ensure that all titans are dead, you use the cloud of smoke to go check on the person who emerged from the now decomposing corpse.

Ymir lost a leg and an arm, not including all of her internal injuries. Christa is already by her side while everyone else seems to take a step further away from her.

You feel two hands grabbing your waist and someone's head resting on your shoulder. A smile appears on your lips once you smell her perfume so close to you.

"I'm so glad you came!" Hanji whispers in your ear, her voice bringing chills up and down your skin.

"Of course I did!" She turns your body around and you take the opportunity to wrap your arms around her neck, giving her a quick kiss. "You asked me to!"

She smiles at you before turning her focus to the injured girl on the floor. Steam is already coming out of her wounds before Hanji even has time to take a closer look.

As you are about to kneel by her side, you pay close attention to Christa's next words.

"My real name is Historia."

The small, blonde girl looks at you right after Ymir closes her eyes once again, you flash her a gentle smile, in a way of telling her everything will be ok before starting to move the taller girl onto the stretcher.

With Hanji and Moblit's help, you finish tying her body up in place, not only trying to prevent her injuries from getting worse, but also to give the other soldiers a sense of security. Some of them seem too scared to even be around her, even if she's not awake.

You watch as her body gets lifted from the floor and makes its way towards the top of the walls.

Before you have time to use your own gear, you feel Hanji's hand wrap around your torso and your feet suddenly aren't touching the floor anymore. You let out a startled scream as she brings you up towards the top of the wall with her own gear.

Once she places you on the floor, you feel your legs shaking slightly.

"A warning would've been nice!!!" Your body falls on the floor as you try to catch your breath, your heart pounding in your chest.

She sits next to you, moving your hair away from your face so she can get a better look at you.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to surprise you." She smiles at you, you try to stay mad at her but the heat rising to your cheeks clearly proves you won't be able to.

You lean closer to her, softly brushing your lips against hers but as you are about to kiss her, you hear Christa's voice calling her name.

"We'll continue this later, I promise." You say and Hanji looks rather disappointed by the interruption but finding out what happened before the Scouts got there is the priority.

You can hear the two of them talking and the blonde girl explains how Ymir took the knife out of Connie's hand and jumped, transforming into a titan in midair.

"Ymir is an ally of humanity!"

A smirk takes over your features, Ymir is not the nicest person you know but, when it comes to the girl she loves, she would do anything to keep her safe.

You look at your favorite girl walking away by Christa's side and you decide to follow closely behind, paying attention to every word they are saying.

"Historia Reiss, as in the Royal Family Reiss?" You say before a few seconds of silence. She only nods and looks at her feet. You touch her right shoulder as Hanji touches her left, and at the same time you both say,

"Nice to meet you, Historia!" Followed by a warm and gentle smile.

.

As you get closer to Ymir's body, Historia runs and kneels by her side. You look at Moblit, who seems a bit surprised to see you, but still pays more attention to the current issue.

"She's still in a coma. She has, however, stopped bleeding and steam continues to come out of her wounds."

The three of you start to walk away, talking about which course of action will be the best but before you get too far, Hanji suddenly stops walking.

"Y/N... we don't know this for sure but we are almost certain that Bertholdt and Reiner are the Colossal and Armored Titans." She says, quietly. In a state of shock and denial, you simply let out a laugh, hoping it was just a sick joke.

"You cannot be serious right now." You take a deep breath. Hanji gets closer and places a hand on your shoulder.

"Have I ever lied to you?"

You look behind you to see Eren and the other two boys talking. You can only understand parts of what they are saying, but as soon as the red flag on the wall is ripped from its pole, everyone goes silent.

All you can hear is Reiner's confession.

"Reiner, are we doing this here? NOW?" You can hear the despair in Bertholdt's voice but also a hint of excitement. You see a silhouette pass by you and slice both boys. Reiner's arm and Bertholdt's throat.

As Mikasa is about to finish the tall, brown-haired boy off, Reiner pushes her off the wall.

You can see bright, yellow lights around them as you run back towards Eren. Armin yells telling him to run away but it's too late.

Everything happens too fast. The lightning strikes both boys and an explosion pushes you all away from them.

Your body gets flung against the boxes containing equipment and as you open your eyes, the Armored Titan and the Colossal Titan stand before you.

Reiner holds Eren in his hand as he goes down the wall and Bert slowly extends his arms grabbing Ymir and one other soldier.

The heat coming from the Colossal Titan plus the pain from your unhealed wounds are enough to turn your vision black before you can even realize it.

.

You wake up a few minutes later, the blue sky finally showing up from behind the dark gray clouds. You let out a grunt as you sit up, looking around you to access the situation.

You see the massive titan still attached to the wall and steam coming out of its body. From the looks of it, he's been sitting in this exact position for at least 20 minutes. You can't see any skin on his face, just his bones.

"Y/N!" Historia's voice enters your ears right before you hear a loud roar coming from the ground. You look at her, waiting for some kind of explanation but she looks just as confused as you.

"Was that the Armored Titan?" You try to stand up but the pain in your head forces you to lay back down. Another grunt leaves your throat as you frown in frustration.

You can hear Historia giggle softly.

"Don't break any more ribs, Y/N." You look at her, your mouth hanging wide open as you start laughing at her statement, but before you have time to go off on her, the wall starts shaking and the Colossal Titan's body starts to detach from the wall, making its way towards the ground.

As his body hits the floor, you can see the intense cloud of steam coming up and multiple soldiers screaming, you can recognize Hanji's voice as one of them.

Your heart skips a beat and you quickly get up on your feet, completely forgetting about your own pain. You see dozens of soldiers being flung in the air and among them, you notice Hanji.

As the hook of her gear detaches from the wall, her body begins to fall and you realize she's unconscious. Somehow finding enough strength, you run towards her, jumping over the bodies of other soldiers who suffered the same fate as her.

You position yourself underneath her falling body just seconds before she hits the floor. In a miraculous matter, you manage to grab Hanji without further injuring yourself or her.

You walk closer to the injured soldiers with her body in your arms, right before placing Hanji down on the spot you were once resting on.

Gently, you place her head above your jacket and remove her glasses to have a better look at her injuries, making sure your touch won't cause her any more pain.

.

Five hours go by and most soldiers are still passed out. The ones with minor injuries start waking up and getting examined by those who weren't caught in the explosion.

Eren and Ymir have been taken away by Bertholdt and Reiner but there is nothing you can do. With the horses on the other side of the wall, waiting is your only option.

"Hannes." You call the blonde man standing by your side.

As you make eye contact with him, you tilt your head towards Eren's best friends. "You should go give them something to eat." While you hand him three rations, he nods and starts walking towards the teenagers.

Mikasa wraps herself with the scarf and for a second you can see tears in her eyes. You let a sigh, feeling bad for not being able to chase after Eren.

"Y/N?" You hear Hanji's voice by your side. You quickly look at her before leaning down her face, trying to get closer to her but not enough to worsen her injuries.

"Are you alright?" You ask.

"I've been better" She lets out a weak laugh, you shake your head and smile at her. Even when she's in pain, Hanji tries to make you smile.

As you start playing with her hair, you hear Commander Erwin's voice coming from behind you.

"I'll be right back." You say as you watch her frown. Once you're standing up, you blow her a kiss as you walk towards the commander.

You quickly salute before he gives you a look and nods. He asks you and Moblit if the situation remains the same but suddenly you feel a hand wrap around your boot.

Looking down, you see Hanji crawling towards the tall, blonde man standing in front of you. As she manages to find the strength, she looks up at the three of you.

"Bring me a map." She says, before collapsing on the floor yet again.

As the newly welcomed squad uses the lifts to switch the horses from one side of the wall to the other, Moblit quickly hands Hanji a map of the area. She stares at it for a few seconds before pointing at one specific spot.

"It might be a long shot, but there's a giant forest here." She says. You can notice how her hands shake slightly and your heart sinks for a moment. "It's not like they can hide the Armored Titan's footprints but I think that's where they are headed."

Someone standing behind you asks why she thinks that, but you can see how it hurts her to talk. The steam from the Colossal Titan probably got into her airways and burned not only the external part of her body but as well as the inside.

"It's a gamble." You say, all eyes now turn to you. Hanji nods gently with a smirk curling up on her lips. "Even if they can still transform, the titans outside the walls are still a threat."

Erwin clears his throat before starting to explain his plan. The soldiers who were badly burned are to stay here and rest but anyone who can ride a horse was to follow him after Eren.

.

You watch as the horses gallop away, leaving behind only dust and the support of their comrades. As you turn around to talk to Moblit, you watch Hanji crawling around and struggling to move.

You arch your right eyebrow as Moblit shrugs his shoulders, both of you try to find out where she's trying to go.

"Hanji?" He asks, tilting his head.

"Get me a horse!" She blurts out before collapsing on the floor again, you notice how she's struggling to breathe so you kneel next to her, gently placing your hand on her back.

"My love, where are you trying to go?" You ask, giving her the gentlest of looks.

"To the village where they captured the titan that couldn't walk." She says, tears forming in her eyes.

You sigh before looking at Moblit and shaking your head, she's in no condition to walk, much less ride a horse.

"Do you mean Ragako?" He asks while a confused look takes over his features. He then proceeds to look up at you, who now stares at him, daggers coming from your eyes.

You shake your head repeatedly, trying to quietly tell him not to indulge her.

"I need to see it... with my own eyes!" Hanji gives you a pleading look, almost as if she's silently begging you for permission. Before you can even reply to her, Moblit speaks again.

"Don't say something so ridiculous!" He blurs out. You widen your eyes at him for this is the first time you've ever seen him speak to her in such a manner. He takes a deep breath and nods. "All right. If you have a hunch then I'll go there on my own."

Before she can argue with him, he sprints towards the edge of the wall. "You just stay here with Y/N and pass out or something!" He says before gathering with other soldiers.

Hanji grunts and her body once again lays against the floor. You look at her, feeling bad for not being able to protect her. In a second, she uses the last ounce of her strength left to lay on her back as she stares at the now bright, blue sky.

You stand up once again, determined to move her closer to another soldier, so they could apply medicine on her burns. She proceeds to look at you as she tries to find an angle where it doesn't hurt to breathe.

In an instant, you lower your body and pick her up in your arms. A loud squirm leaving her throat as she wraps her arms around your neck. Hanji smiles at you brightly before shifting her lips, inviting you for a kiss.

You happily oblige and carefully lower your body once again so your lips can meet hers. It's a quick and gentle kiss but filled with love nevertheless. You take a few steps forward before placing her down again.

The black-haired soldier comes to examine Hanji but as you are about to leave and go check to make sure Moblit was able to leave the wall safely, you feel a hand wrapping around your wrist.

"Don't leave me." Hanji says. You know it took all of her strength to ask you for this small favor. With a warm, bright smile, you sit behind her, crossing your legs and gently placing her head on your lap.

She lets out a satisfied grunt and you laugh gently, trying not to move too much as not to cause her any extra pain.

After a few minutes, the soldier hands you a small container filled with a mix of herbs, recently mushed into a paste.

You silently mouth the words "thank you" at them before changing your focus to the brunette laying on you.

Her eyes are now closed as she rests on your legs. Not wanting to startle her, you touch her shoulders as gently as possible, barely shaking her body.

As she looks at you, her lips curl into a smile.

"I'll rub some medicine on your face, ok?" You whisper into her ear as you stroke her hair. She quietly nods and closes her eyes again.

You dip two of your fingers into the paste before gently rubbing them against her face. Her features suddenly change and you know she's now being painfully reminded of the burns on her face.

Tears stream down your face onto the tip of her nose, the last you want is to inflict more pain on her but the wounds need to be treated.

"I'm so sorry" You repeat over and over again until there's nothing left on the container.

Once she opens her eyes, she fully takes in the sight of you crying over her. She quickly raises her hand, touching your cheek. You nuzzle yourself against her touch, letting out a sad smile.

"It's ok, I'm ok!" She says, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible but right after finishing her sentence, she starts coughing.

You place your hand on the center of her back, carefully helping her stand up. Once she finds enough balance to sit on her own, you hand her a small bottle of water.

As she drinks, you use the back of your hands to dry the tears that roll down your cheeks. Hanji finally puts the bottle down and wraps her arms around your shoulders again.

The smell of her skin mixed with the herb is enough to calm you down.

You bring her body closer to you, paying attention to your movements. As your hands rub up and down her back, she places a soft kiss against your cheeks.

"Thank you for staying." You say, moving her hair so it won't come in contact with the medicine. "I know you wanted to see that titan, but your well-being comes first."

She sighs deeply, clearly annoyed but a smile still on her face. "Yeah, yeah, I know."

"There will be other titans but.." You say, trying to finish your sentence but Hanji rolls her eyes at you.

"But there's only one of me, yeah." You both burst into laughter, simply not being able to hold it in. Suddenly, you hear a voice coming from the body existing next to you.

You shift your head, making eye contact with Sasha.

"God, shut up!" That is all she says before covering her face with her hands, an attempt to stop the sun from hitting her eyes. You make eye contact with Hanji and she simply shrugs her shoulders.

"Maybe we should just give her something to eat." She whispers, trying to avoid yet another burst of anger out of the poor girl. You simply nod, using your right hand to dig through the bag standing by your side.

You place an apple on the floor and roll it away from you, aiming for Sasha's hand.

As soon as the fruit comes to a stop, her eyes go wide and you can almost see her inhale the apple.

Hanji starts laughing once again before resting her chin on your shoulder. Once she stops, both of you just stay in silence until you decide to speak.

"Thank you for the letters." You say with a smile on your face. She looks confused for a few seconds, but once she realizes you are talking about all the notes she has left for you before previous missions, the brightest of smiles appears on her face.

"You are very welcome!" She says, touching your face with her right hand. "I wrote them with so much love!"

"Can you please explain to me how Christa is.... I mean Historia is part of the royal family?"

"OOOOH YEAH!" She screams excitedly. She repositions herself, sitting on top of your thighs as her legs wrap around your back. "Get ready, because this is wild!"

.

"Holy crap." You say, trying to process all the information she just told you.

"I know, right?" Hanji says, putting her hands above her head. "It's insane!"

"Do you think she knows something we don't?" You question while staring at the sky.

"That's what we hope." Hanji says while holding your hand.

You stay in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying the fact that you are both alive. Not well, but at least alive.

As you wait for your comrades to return, you let your body go, falling backward onto the floor. You look at the sunset and raise your hand up to the sky.

"What is it, Y/N?" Hanji asks before joining you. A smile appears on your lips before you kiss her forehead.

"Even if things take a different turn now," you say, still looking up at your hand, "I'm just glad I have you here with me to deal with all of this."

"Thank you for coming." She whispers against your cheeks before turning your face with her index finger, making you look at her.

"Of course!" You say before giving her a peck on the lips and the two of you went back to staring at the sky. "I'll always be by your side!"

Even if you don't know where to go from now on, at least you will always have the certainty that Hanji will be there for you. Maybe the two of you should focus on healing before falling headfirst into a new mission.

But just for now.

[bakugou-simp]

⚠️SPOILERS for bnha, and the heroes rising movie⚠️

I have rarely voiced these opinions, but I think it's about time I did.

See, there is a fine difference between ships and what is more likely to be canon, for me at least. As of right now I do not believe that bkdk will come anywhere near to being a canon romantic relationship, not only because of the type of manga/anime bnha is but also because of the development and change that would need to happen in order for it to even be possible. For the type of manga, I also believe Izuku or Katsuki being with anyone of the same sex is also out of the question. Horikoshi has put two transgender characters (and supposedly a bisexual character) in his manga, yes, but I do not see us getting anything more than that.

I am a multishipper through and through however, and I ship almost anything you can name that isn't incest, pedophilia, or abusive. Kirideku, for instance, and Todobaku as well. I like those ships, I think they're very cute and make a lot of sense. The only ships I don't like (I won't name them) I dislike purely because of the people who ship them. The way they act completely disgusts me.

But let's take a look at why BakuDeku, in my opinion, is commonly misunderstood.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the BakuDeku ship, and I don't say this just because I personally ship it.

Katsuki

Season 1, as soon as Katsuki was introduced I hated his guts. I couldn't stand watching him bully Izuku, let alone telling him to go and jump off of a building. I wanted to reach through the screen and punch him myself. I don't take things like that lightly, and so I thought to myself I will never like this character. Even as time went on, season 2 and all the way up to season 3, I couldn't stand him.

He was an abusive person terrified of his childhood friend becoming something that perhaps he feared that he himself could not. He's disgusting towards everyone, showing only disrespect and arrogance.

When he was kidnapped is when things started to change for me.

Not just his reaction alone-- "Deku, stay back"--but also Izuku's. Izuku is one to forgive way too easily, in my opinion, but I doubt he forgives someone if he truly doesn't think they deserve it. So for whatever reason, Izuku thinks Bakugou deserves his trust and forgiveness.

If you look at it like this-- Izuku knowing Katsuki better than anyone else, not only from his observations but as well from his up close interactions with the other. Taking this into account, maybe Izuku knows something we don't about Katsuki. We know for sure his mother was borderline abusive--as seen from that conversation with Todoroki as well as just how she treats him--, but is that all? We can't know for certain, but it seems that Izuku might.

Let's say that none of that is true, let's go ahead and say that Katauki is just what he seems to be: an arrogant prick with a superiority complex. Even so it's impossible to say that he hasn't changed at all.

Take this scene for example. Just from this scene alone, from this one thing that he tells a kid he doesn't even know, you can see how much he's grown from when he was 14 years old.

This is turning into more of a Bakugou thing rather than a bkdk one, but hang in there. This is important too.

He has gone from believing that he is the best of those around him, thinking that everyone else will only get in his way, to recognizing that he has weaknesses just like everyone else. That in its self is a feat to be praised, but top that off with the realization that if he keeps putting others down he'll never see his own weaknesses and you've got one heck of a character development process. Granted, that won't be enough to make up for things he has done in his past.

So let's take a look at his past, shall we?

Raised in a home with, while loving, a push over father and a brash and aggressive mother. Whether or not she realized what she was doing, or even if she had been raised in the same way and doesn't see it as wrong, the way she yelled at him undoubtedly rooted something not short of some sort of trauma (disclaimer: I am no expert on trauma) into him. Not only that, but she probably pushed him to be better. Constantly; be better, you aren't good enough, you call that trying? So on, and so on.

Being told his entire life that his quirk is amazing, those around him letting him believe he is an undeniable leader, all of that has made him into what we see in the beginning.

Even before he got his quirk he probably thought he was better than those around him and that they also knew that, that they would follow him for protection or some sort of recognition from great power.

So, we have a 14 year old who thinks the world eats out of his hands. He sees Izuku, quirkless Izuku, as something not worth his time. Someone as great as him has no reason to play around with someone as worthless as Deku.

There is obviously the hinted at miscommunication, as shown during the Deku vs Kacchan 2 fight. The fact that apparently Katsuki sees everything Izuku does as looking down on him, mocking him, calling him weak and so on.

As a person who struggles with this, I can assure you it really is hard to tell the difference between someone genuinely wanting to help and secretly saying they don't think you can do it. Obviously I realize not everyone looks down on me, but because of the need to be independent and to prove myself to those around me, it feels like every outstretched hand is going to burn me when I grab it. Katsuki is far worse in that regard than I am, so I can only imagine how hard it is to admit to himself that someone is offering help and not mockery.

So let's say this entire time, their entire lives spent together, Katsuki has seen Izuku--someone who was quirkless--as one of the many people who doubts his abilities. Of course he's going to treat him worse than he treats others, but none of that makes it okay. None of that, any of this, erases what has been done.

That being said it does create a bridge for his redemption, for a deserved forgiveness, and yes I truly do believe he will earn that forgiveness.

It's going to take a long time for him to grow into the fact that accepting help doesn't equal to accepting defeat, and that offering it doesn't equal to the belief of weakness.

Katsuki, in my opinion, started to see his faults around the time be befriended Kirishima. Kirishima is strong, so obviously Katsuki is going to want him on his side, but there is more to it than that. I truly believe that Kirishima sparked the change in Katsuki, or at least held the match for the flame to be sparked.

Kirishima and Katsuki's friendship is what I imagine Izuku and Katsukis's might have been like if Izuku had gotten a quirk, as that is all that mattered to Katsuki. He never cared much about the person attatched to the quirk, only how it might help him. Meeting Kirishima, a person who believes everyone is strong and that they can do anything they want with the resources handed to them, must have irritated the piss out of him. Another person who seemed to think that the weak could be strong.

Being around that kind of thinking will eventually rub off on you, however. Even off onto someone like Katsuki. Especially after seeing Izuku's potential with his own two eyes.

So all of those thoughts of Izuku being a weak nobody turned instead to thoughts of Izuku being a threat to him and his goal. It's better than the first, but it really doesn't do well for them being anything other than rivals.

So, right now in his character development process? BakuDeku even being friends seems like a far off thought.

So now, let's take a look at Izuku.

Izuku

His entire life he's been told by Katsuki that he is lesser, he will amount to nothing, he's completely worthless. That never stopped him from arguing, denying, or wanting to be a hero. Finding out he has no quirk didn't stop him, and being told he might as well die didn't stop him.

Izuku is a wonderful person with a huge heart, a heart that wants to save every single person it comes across, and a heart that sees the best in everyone around it.

He went from being someone in the background, never standing out or doing extraordinary things to a person who will stop at nothing to save one single life. He no longer lingers at the sides, or fears his own abilities. He strikes with confidence in himself, in his peers, teammates, and all of those around him. He uses the hearts of those he wishes to save as a boost to help him win the day.

Meeting Iida and Uraraka, and many other amazing individuals, helped him realize that there are people who believe in him and want to see him succeed. Not everyone will treat him like Kacchan, or only see him as being in the way.

Do I believe that he had to have resented Katsuki in some way for some amount of time? Absolutely. In fact, he might still.

Him forgiving Katsuki wasn't out of the others development at all. It was out of his own achievements, his own confidence, that he was able to come past all of that negativity and believe in himself as a hero. For that reason, he was able to at least not hurt from what Katsuki done to him, if he hasn't yet forgiven him.

Sadly I don't have a lot to say about Izuku's development, or his thought process, but I do know that Katsuki has always been his image of victory, and I do now believe that he can finally see himself as his own image of victory. Or at least, more than just his tormentor.

Heroes Rising

I want to talk a little about the events of heroes rising, dispite it not being a canon part of the universe. It has been said that the movie was what Horikoshi imagined the end of bnha to be, and that is what I'm going with here.

In the movie Katsuki is still his usual superior self, treating Izuku the same as he always has. When there is no immediate danger, and even during a fight neither of them expected to walk away from. Now this may be do to Horikoshi changing it to fit more into just an alternate period of the present instead of perhaps a more time skipping version, but I am not aware of that being false nor true.

Even so, Izuku showed the same amount of care for every individual person as he always does. Katsuki on the other hand, he seemed to care just a little more than his typical self.

Even going as far as to use Sero's actual name when he's calling out, concerned for the other.

Especially, in the way he treated Izuku suggesting giving him one for all just so they could win the battle.

They both knew what this would mean for Izuku, and it's pretty obvious Katsuki didn't want to do it at first, but he's not clueless. He knew that Izuku was right, without two one for all's they and everyone on the island would have died. Throughout the process never once does he say anything about himself, he's only ever concerned about what would happen to Izuku and about saving the island.

Izuku was willing to give up his dream for an entire island, because that is his dream. His dream is to save lives and become the greatest hero, and saving an entire island is exactly that. He trusted Katsuki because he knew All Might would, and if All Might would trust this quirk with a person such as Katsuki, clearly others besides us, Katsuki and Izuku can see his development.

Their Relationship

Now, in regards to the actual conversation of misconceptions. I do believe that at first glance, that being not taking into consideration home life and miscommunications among these two in their own time, any sort of romantic relationship for these two would be seen as abusive. Because right now, if they both weren't more busy with training to be heroes rather than relationships and for some reason decided to be together, that's what it would be. Katsuki has a lot of things to sort through in his own head, and after he gets that settled they both have a long road to being able to be anything close to friends.

So being rivals is the best for them at the moment. They are each others core motivation, the reason they push and push themselves even when there's nothing left to push. Which over time is going to build a strong connection, more than what they have.

Eventually I do believe they could be friends, a hero duo is even more likely as they've already proven just now as training heroes that they work well together.

That being said if anything romantic were to come of it, it would be in a much later date.

Another misconception might be that bkdk shippers either ignore the way Katsuki has treated Izuku or just don't see it at all, which may very well be true about a lot of younger (or even older) people who might just see their rivalry as some sort of romantic tension. Which happens a lot in anime. However many of us see this ship and see the development, the huge development that will take place in order to be something more, and that is something we would absolutely love to see.

Shipping (for me personally)

I think that most ships in this fandom have good reasons for being shipped, and even if they don't as I've said there is a difference between shipping something and thinking it will become canon.

Personally, I think any ship becoming canon would ruin the manga. I see bnha as something that is perfect without any building romance, that being said a little background romance wouldn't hurt.

As far as relationships among the students goes, I'd hate to see any of them actually start dating. At this age, when they're doing things that are far more important, it doesn't seem like the right decision at all. That doesn't stop me from reading fanfictions, or looking at fanart, or saying that I ship two or more characters together. It's all harmless fun, until you turn into an Anti. I have absolutely no respect for antis and I severely hope they never interact with me.

In conclusion

I do not think that bkdk will be a canon ship in the mangas current timeline. That however, doesn't mean I can't ship them or think that eventually something could come of all of their character development.

Like it or not a good part of Izuku, his development, his personality, his dreams and life goal come from Katsuki. They come from knowing him nearly his entire life, from seeing him as a symbol of victory since they were kids and even up until now.

You can dislike bakudeku as a ship, you can ship other things and all that, but to deny that they aren't important to each others entire character-- and yes I do mean both of them, Katsukis's character also revolves a lot around Izuku--is to be blinded by your "hate" for the ship or even for Katsuki as a character. BakuDeku as a friendship/rivalship is way more important than as a relationship, and I think that's something everyone who loves either of them needs to respect.

The entire reason that they are were they are right now is because of All Might, their shared admiration for a strong hero for different aspects of said hero. That he never loses, and that he always saves everyone. Both traits make up their own respective heroes, Izuku and Katsuki happening to be opposites on that spectrum.

Their current existence thrives off of each other. Where they once looked to All Might for motivation, they now find it amongst themselves. As seen many times, when Katsuki asks Izuku "when are you going to hurry up and make that quirk your own?" You can choose to see that as him looking down on Izuku, but all I see is him wanting Izuku at his fullest potential so they can both give their all against each other, while at the same time with each other (though I doubt the second part is what Katsuki is thinking, those are just my thoughts.)

All in all, they push each other to be better, and I can't help but respect that.

(I'm sure there will be at least one person who will come around and reblog this just to say how much they disagree with me and why I'm wrong, so if you're that person I'd appreciate it if you just didn't. Your opinions are your opinions, but I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong so I don't want to see you telling me that. Thank you.)

posted on tue, Aug 25th

[ganymedesclock]

A lot of the fandom speculates that there are parallels between Zarkon/Alfor and Shiro/Keith, particularly in the friendships these groups of people had/have with each other. I can't remember if you've talked about this before, but I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this and what this could mean for the future of Shiro and Keith's friendship?

See I think it’s kinda natural to want to see our paladins in the prior paladins since the former we know better, but… I really hesitate to say that, because I think there’s a fundamental difference to how Shiro and Zarkon relate to the world that isn’t just not the same between them, but diametrically opposed.

Roughly, Shiro and Zarkon both value- discipline, control, self-denial.

Shiro takes these traits as things he should prescribe to himself. I talk very much about Shiro as a leader and the concept of Noblesse Oblige since what it comes back to is Shiro views vested authority, the “crown” of the Black Paladin, first and foremost as a burden and a responsibility. It’s fundamentally how he sees it.

If you are Black Paladin, you have an obligation to be a worthy person. The Black Lion has trusted you, your allies have trusted you, and their trust and loyalty is a debt that must be repaid, with earnest and continuous effort. A king is only as worthy as what he will do for his subjects- and in that sense Shiro tries to live as he thinks his position begets- he’s the guy to jump on a grenade for the team because if you’re in charge you should be that person. And this is his attitude about leadership in general.

People point out it was unlike him in s3e6 to tell Keith to let Sincline shoot him in order to destroy the cargo ship, but the thing is, in s3e6 and s4e1, Shiro’s trying to groom Keith to be in his position. He’s not oblivious to, or not upset at Keith’s pain. The thing is if it was him in that cockpit he’d make that sacrifice, take a direct hit to the Black Lion if he thought it would make it work. He can’t- he’s benched, forced to the sidelines, and because of that he tries to take control of a situation that same way, that he sees as needing that sacrifice- by projecting onto Keith.

Shiro’s only cold and demanding with people he projects himself, or his own perceived role onto. In s3e6 thru s4e1, that’s Keith- just like in s2e10 that’s Slav.

Zarkon is Shiro’s polar opposite, and was from the start. Because the thing in s3e7 that we see, is while Shiro (as he spells out in s1e4 and exemplifies later in s3e5) views leadership as a responsibility and loyalty to that leader to be a choice, that he cannot and will not lead someone who doesn’t want to follow him- Zarkon believes that entire categories of people exist naturally as followers.

Simply put, Zarkon’s classism factors immensely into his view of what it means to be a leader. There are strong people- nobility- that force their way to the top. And there are weak people- everyone else- that are fated from birth to belong to the strong. These categories are non-negotiable and fatalistic. Servants do not become kings, nor kings servants. In s2e8, the way that Zarkon talks to Shiro, in my opinion, makes it very clear that he’s basically incapable of viewing Shiro as anything other than the slave gladiator he first met him as. He characterizes Shiro as weak, when Shiro endured horrifying brutal things for an entire year without breaking.

Zarkon will not make sacrifices for his subordinates. Instead, his perspective is that the natural order is that his subordinates will sacrifice everything for him. He preaches Victory or Death but pulls back in s4e6 rather than risk his personal ship.

How does this come back to their relationships with their respective right hand?

Both of them are very close, but in completely different ways.

While we don’t know how Shiro and Keith met, we can draw some inferences. Keith states Shiro was “the one person who never gave up on me.” We know that before meeting Shiro, before coming to the Garrison, Keith was entirely on his own, and he’s still processing a lot of trauma that he perceives himself as fundamentally unlovable and unwanted.

Keith really doesn’t have a social sphere outside of Shiro. He’s coming to build one with the paladins, but slowly- he’s both clumsy with interpersonal relations and to a degree, utterly terrified of them. He’s starved for closeness and connection to such a degree that part of him can’t really believe it when it’s there.

Consider what I just said about how Shiro views leadership, and to a degree, a lot of his connections- since he’s very much a kind of natural leader who gravitates towards those positions reflexively in times of strife.

Shiro’s a mom friend. He’s a therapist friend. He commits very hard to being a shoulder to cry on, a confidant where it’s needed, a protector, a caretaker. Again, he’s the kind of guy that will jump on a grenade for his team and more than a sense of distant responsibility, it’s rooted in the fact that he just genuinely, deeply, cares. He’s charismatic and connects to people easily with his natural strength of personality but once there, he wants to tend and nurture his connections.

Keith- with his network of loneliness and trauma and isolation, would have latched onto anybody that could help him keep his head above the water. In s2e1 he says “If it weren’t for you my life would’ve been a lot different” which raises the implication he was on the precipice of… something very nasty. (considering this kid is way too comfortable throwing his life away for anything he perceives as a sufficiently worthy cause…)

But Shiro? I think Shiro latched onto Keith as someone who he wanted to take care of. He met Keith, and he saw how much Keith needed… anyone to care, and to Shiro, that simple fact that “someone has to watch out for this kid” immediately in his mind leaps to “I have to do this.”

So there’s something mentorly about their connection, and it’s definitely worth saying that Shiro does think very highly of Keith, he doesn’t just view him as a lost cause. He has a lot of faith in Keith as a person, and sees him as an amazing and talented person.

At the same time, there’s a feeling- especially with the missing year and his own newfound trauma, Shiro doesn’t really realize quite how much he means to Keith. His helping Keith out of that dark period fostered a profound desire to see Keith grow and thrive, but, as far as he’s concerned, there’s no debt here. Keith’s probably come very far since when Shiro met him, but what I don’t think Shiro quite realizes at this point is that Keith is definitely still holding onto Shiro as his comfort person. And from Keith’s perspective- the idea of not having Shiro around is the idea of going right back to the same dark place he was in before meeting Shiro.

He’s not entirely right about that, because we see in s3 that without Shiro there, Keith actually is able to move on- and the degree to which he’s able to even seems to scare him, and he reacts guiltily as if this very prospect of moving on without Shiro is repeating the hurtful things others have done to him onto Shiro.

What it boils down to is Shiro and Keith are extremely close. They’re kinda fire-forged friends because Shiro came into Keith’s life at one of its darkest chapters and helped him up, and since then, Keith has earned great esteem in Shiro’s eyes as an amazing person. If there’s anyone Shiro sees as worthy of being a leader the way that Shiro thinks is called for, it’s Keith- Keith is someone who could carry that weight, and that’s not a shallow compliment.

As far as Zarkon and Alfor…

The first thing about Alfor is he is a hell of a lot more grounded than Keith is and you can see this at a glance. Keith, again, had nobody in his life besides Shiro and his psychological landscape has some pretty deep craters as a result- while Alfor we see was a beloved leader, a family man, surrounded by his adoring wife and advisor, having a good connection with the rest of the team. We see him exploring Gyrgan’s culture, which would even suggest that Alfor may have built separate alliances with the other planets separately from his alliance with Zarkon.

Alfor is much more connected, and a lot more anchored and stable. He’s sure of himself of a way that Keith isn’t, and I think in that sense, even if he has great affection and respect for Zarkon, they’re both more distant, and more independent.

Alfor has his own world Zarkon isn’t really part of and even faced with setbacks, he tries to emphasize his self-sufficiency “I was handling myself.” The ways that we see Alfor hold Zarkon in high esteem is that he respects Zarkon’s military capability, and at least early on, he trusts Zarkon to show him his other connections- taking baby Allura to see him.

But it’s a really good thing that Alfor doesn’t really need Zarkon- because Zarkon and Keith would never have worked as a team. Because while Shiro is very much naturally drawn to people that he sees as needing nurturing or support… Zarkon, conversely, has a very clear tendency to expect his connections to keep up with him to his standards.

And part of this is entirely nonmalicious- Zarkon has no real art for connecting with people. He’s clumsy and awkward. If anything, we see kind of an inversion of Keith and Shiro’s dynamic- Alfor is the charismatic diplomat who’s able to set Zarkon up to meet new people and get him talking to them while Zarkon is the guy that has to excuse himself from the room because whoops beautiful intelligent scientist is on your planet now.

But unfortunately it’s not all benign, since… Zarkon’s social awkwardness combined with his perception that he is entitled to others’ loyalty makes him nastily possessive, and this is shown to be a problem with the paladins of old from the start.

All of the paladins are rulers, but Zarkon fundamentally views them as belonging to him. Blaytz is his to correct and scold when he thinks the others’ behavior doesn’t measure up, and they are not allowed to criticize him, considering how he retaliates even cheerful teasing with a not-so-subtle attack of “But you need me”

And this comes out big time when Alfor and Zarkon start clashing. Zarkon’s perfectly fine turning a cold shoulder on Alfor for years, but when Alfor uses that independence to hold his ground and challenge Zarkon on equal footing, Zarkon starts panicking and yelling about he commands Voltron, Alfor, where are you going, he didn’t give you permission to leave-

Young Zarkon reminds me very much of ATLA’s Azula, in her single most tragic character trait- how she takes, or, doesn’t at all, the loss of her two friends.

Zarkon is needy of other people. If there’s anybody that doesn’t have other people in his life and feels incredibly threatened by that person potentially leaving, it was Zarkon, not Alfor. And frankly… ten thousand years later, Zarkon is still not over the fact that Alfor left him.

And even Zarkon and Keith have major differences. Keith’s fear of being left behind stems from a fear of not being good enough for Shiro, the one person who stuck with him this long. The idea of being rejected by Shiro is horrifying to Keith and he sees even Shiro talking about the idea that he might not make it as horrifying, suggesting Keith’s not worth staying here for. He takes it personally and processes it on a level as his fault.

While Zarkon… I think he has that same root anxiety. It’s hard for him to make connections, and comparatively easy to lose them. I’d suspect Zarkon has a pretty troubled past of his own when it comes to connecting to people or not, especially if his whole attitude of “don’t fraternize with those beneath you” came from his parents- like Keith, I think that he comes from a very lonely background. No wonder Alfor was so pleased to see Zarkon happily married, and no wonder Zarkon latched onto Honerva with the intensity he did.

The problem with Zarkon that turns this from a sympathetic struggle to a devastating character flaw is… Zarkon refuses to accept that any failure of a relationship is his fault. He’s decided to make his loneliness his partners’ problem. If someone leaves him and he’s hurt, his response is- how dare you, that’s not how this works, you’re not allowed to leave, you- get back here right now, before he gets mad.

When Alfor turns his back on Zarkon, at a point when Zarkon’s also losing Honerva to something else- Zarkon yells, orders, threatens, and none of that works. And that’s when he panics. This is when we see Zarkon in the past at his most vulnerable and scared.

But he’s a leader. He’s not allowed to not be in control. He’s gonna take control of this situation. What does he have to do? Well… he could always lie. Alfor’s a bleeding heart. Pretend he’s changed his mind, say what they want to hear, and he has his team back, and he can get his wife back, and everything will be right where it should be.

Shiro would never do that. Keith would never do that. What happened between Alfor and Zarkon is a product of very different constructions of their mind that Shiro and Keith really don’t have. If anything, I’d think scenes of Keith holding his ground and challenging Shiro on things are heartening signs. It tells us that Keith is starting to have more of a foundation that’s not just Shiro, and more of a sense of certainty, and I think he kind of had to build that in s3 and s4. That’s the good thing that came out of the entire Shiro-gets-kidnapped-a-second-time debacle; Keith’s foundations got a particular, aggressive boost.

[strathgirl]

You never think it'll happen to you. That the day would never come when you get a call. A call that would flip your entire world upside down and change your life forever. Since that call, your life will forever be different and a hole in your heart will forever be left empty. People will tell you that it'll get easier, that the pain won't be as bad as right now, but they lied. It doesn't get easier and the pain remains the same; we are just forced to live with that aching, gut-wrenching pain for the rest of our lives. A life missing. A life that no matter how much you pray, cry, and scream, will never come back. You'll ask God why. You'll get so angry at Him for taking such a beautiful, kind soul from you. For taking the only person that could ever cheer you up on a rainy day or the only one who would actually listen. The one who put everything into perspective and told you exactly how it is. He took the person you loved the most and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering why. Why it wasn't you instead. Why it was him. But you'll never know.

You used to tell me to look at the stars because I never knew when it'd be the last time looking at them together. I wish I would've taken you seriously when you said that and not just shrugged it off as if you were invincible. But you were invincible to me. You always told me how you were okay, that you weren't going anywhere. You promised to walk me down the aisle and be there for me every step of the way. You had my back and protected me when no one else did. You always made sure I was okay and if I wasn't, you were right there. I was always reminded that I would see you again, but I never knew that the last time I saw you, would be the last time I saw you for eternity. And had I known that, Dad, I would've hugged you harder and I wouldn't of let go. I would've told you how much I love you, over and over again. I even would've told you how sorry I am for causing you so much hell as a child. How terrible I felt every time I back talked and made you feel so angry at me. I would've done anything to save you and keep you here with me because now I'm a fatherless child who has no idea what to do when things go wrong. I don't know who to turn to when my life doesn't make sense or who to run to when I just need to get away. I constantly find myself ready to send you a call, but I remember that I won't get a response. I keep waiting to wake up from this bad dream, but you're really gone and there's nothing in the world that can change that. My nightmare turned into my reality and my biggest fear came true.

I remember losing you like it was yesterday. The way my whole world stood still and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel. My whole body was numb. My heart was numb. I couldn't process losing you. Watching you lay there, lifeless. You never wanted me to see you like that, but I did and I'm so sorry that it had to end that way. But the thing is, Dad, I couldn't feel you. I wanted so desperately to feel you wrap your arms around me or show me that everything would be okay. You didn't. You were just gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Since that day, my world hasn't been the same. I haven't been the same. How could I be the same person I was before I lost half of my heart? Of course I'm not the only one that's lost a parent, but no one warned me about all the pain and suffering that comes with it. Or how it doesn't end. It keeps going on and on forever and ever. One second I think I'm doing okay, then I remember everything and I break down all over again. It's a never ending cycle. Some days it's bearable and others I scream at the top of my lungs begging for you back. Death changes you. It changes your life. It changes everything. And there's never coming back from that.

Then, everything changed. I changed. I somehow took 20 steps backwards and 30 steps forward. As crazy as it sounds, I actually became a stronger, better me, Dad. Someone you would actually be proud of. Without you I've lost myself, but grown as a person. I'm not sure how that will ever make sense, but even without you physically here, you're still teaching me things along the way. I'm finally at peace with myself, God, and everything in between. I'm finally content and happy. The pain, oh it's never ending, but somehow I bear with it and keep moving forward. The only reason why is because of you. Because you push me, harder and harder everyday. Even if I fall, you're right there to catch me and pick me up again. You remind me of the life I was blessed with and the places I still have yet to go. You remind me to keep going and to not give up. I've tried giving up and you won't let me. The toughest year of my life has been the biggest learning experience and luckily, I'm never alone. You've made sure of that. I might never understand why, but I know you're right next to me every step of the way. And I can't thank you enough for that.

The good memories outweigh the bad. The positive outweighs the negative. Where I lost hope, I gained it back again. You see, it was far from easy. It was an everyday challenge. I would stay in bed for hours each day and not have motivation to move, but somehow you got me to pick myself up and go on. I would lay in bed and stare at your picture and just cry, for hours. Asking God why. I didn't get why it had to be you. Or why it had to be so soon. I didn't know how to handle the death of such a loved one. It broke me and tore me apart. It made me go crazy, insane even. It felt like my world was done and over with, but you gave me hope again. You gave me the strength I needed to live. You showed me why I have to be here and why you have to be there. I'm finally okay with that. I'm finally accepting the loss of you.

You taught me everything I know. You took me under your wing and made me your whole world. From teaching me to drive, to throwing out a line; you were the guidance I needed. Without you, I wouldn't of had anyone. My life would be a whole different story. Luckily, God blessed me with you. Even though time was cut far too short, I was still lucky enough to have had you and all the lessons you taught me. And for that alone, I couldn't be more thankful. You see Dad, from losing you, I've learned how precious time is. How you never know if you're going to wake up tomorrow or if your life will be taken from you. I live every day like its my last, now. I leave no words unspoken. I don't leave things on bad terms with anyone. You have shown me first hand what its like to lose someone without expectation. Without knowing it was coming. And that alone, was enough to change my outlook on life. The hardest time of my life turned into the greatest lesson I've ever learned.

Here's to the lowest time of my life to the highest. The hardest and the easiest. Here's to you. For not being seen or heard, but being present and listening. Somehow you have let me move on and push through the pain, tears, and suffering. I'm no longer numb and I'm no longer afraid to cry. Or to hurt. Because it's all a part of the process. It just shows how much you meant to me and how much of an impact you left on my life. You were so loved and so special to me. Luckily, your memory carries on through me. Even though you won't walk me down the aisle or see the kids I have some day, I know you'll be watching from heaven, smiling down, reminding me to not worry about you, but to worry about me. I know you'll protect us and be so proud of the person I'm becoming and the person I will be. I know you'll always be right there, just as if you were alive. I live my life for me, but I live it for you too, Dad. To the dreams you weren't able to accomplish, I'm here to do that for you. Even when I fall, I know you'll catch me and pick me up again. There will always be hard days, but I'll never be alone.

Thank you for giving me the best life I could ask for and for being the best Dad. For cheering me on and always being my biggest fan. For supporting my decisions, even if they weren't the best and for loving me unconditionally. I'll always miss you and I'll never ever forget you. Days, months, and years will come and go, but you'll live on forever. You will always have a piece of my heart that I'll never get back, until we meet again. I love you.

[strathgirl]

You never think it'll happen to you. That the day would never come when you get a call. A call that would flip your entire world upside down and change your life forever. Since that call, your life will forever be different and a hole in your heart will forever be left empty. People will tell you that it'll get easier, that the pain won't be as bad as right now, but they lied. It doesn't get easier and the pain remains the same; we are just forced to live with that aching, gut-wrenching pain for the rest of our lives. A life missing. A life that no matter how much you pray, cry, and scream, will never come back. You'll ask God why. You'll get so angry at Him for taking such a beautiful, kind soul from you. For taking the only person that could ever cheer you up on a rainy day or the only one who would actually listen. The one who put everything into perspective and told you exactly how it is. He took the person you loved the most and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering why. Why it wasn't you instead. Why it was him. But you'll never know.

You used to tell me to look at the stars because I never knew when it'd be the last time looking at them together. I wish I would've taken you seriously when you said that and not just shrugged it off as if you were invincible. But you were invincible to me. You always told me how you were okay, that you weren't going anywhere. You promised to walk me down the aisle and be there for me every step of the way. You had my back and protected me when no one else did. You always made sure I was okay and if I wasn't, you were right there. I was always reminded that I would see you again, but I never knew that the last time I saw you, would be the last time I saw you for eternity. And had I known that, Dad, I would've hugged you harder and I wouldn't of let go. I would've told you how much I love you, over and over again. I even would've told you how sorry I am for causing you so much hell as a child. How terrible I felt every time I back talked and made you feel so angry at me. I would've done anything to save you and keep you here with me because now I'm a fatherless child who has no idea what to do when things go wrong. I don't know who to turn to when my life doesn't make sense or who to run to when I just need to get away. I constantly find myself ready to send you a call, but I remember that I won't get a response. I keep waiting to wake up from this bad dream, but you're really gone and there's nothing in the world that can change that. My nightmare turned into my reality and my biggest fear came true.

I remember losing you like it was yesterday. The way my whole world stood still and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel. My whole body was numb. My heart was numb. I couldn't process losing you. Watching you lay there, lifeless. You never wanted me to see you like that, but I did and I'm so sorry that it had to end that way. But the thing is, Dad, I couldn't feel you. I wanted so desperately to feel you wrap your arms around me or show me that everything would be okay. You didn't. You were just gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Since that day, my world hasn't been the same. I haven't been the same. How could I be the same person I was before I lost half of my heart? Of course I'm not the only one that's lost a parent, but no one warned me about all the pain and suffering that comes with it. Or how it doesn't end. It keeps going on and on forever and ever. One second I think I'm doing okay, then I remember everything and I break down all over again. It's a never ending cycle. Some days it's bearable and others I scream at the top of my lungs begging for you back. Death changes you. It changes your life. It changes everything. And there's never coming back from that.

Then, everything changed. I changed. I somehow took 20 steps backwards and 30 steps forward. As crazy as it sounds, I actually became a stronger, better me, Dad. Someone you would actually be proud of. Without you I've lost myself, but grown as a person. I'm not sure how that will ever make sense, but even without you physically here, you're still teaching me things along the way. I'm finally at peace with myself, God, and everything in between. I'm finally content and happy. The pain, oh it's never ending, but somehow I bear with it and keep moving forward. The only reason why is because of you. Because you push me, harder and harder everyday. Even if I fall, you're right there to catch me and pick me up again. You remind me of the life I was blessed with and the places I still have yet to go. You remind me to keep going and to not give up. I've tried giving up and you won't let me. The toughest year of my life has been the biggest learning experience and luckily, I'm never alone. You've made sure of that. I might never understand why, but I know you're right next to me every step of the way. And I can't thank you enough for that.

The good memories outweigh the bad. The positive outweighs the negative. Where I lost hope, I gained it back again. You see, it was far from easy. It was an everyday challenge. I would stay in bed for hours each day and not have motivation to move, but somehow you got me to pick myself up and go on. I would lay in bed and stare at your picture and just cry, for hours. Asking God why. I didn't get why it had to be you. Or why it had to be so soon. I didn't know how to handle the death of such a loved one. It broke me and tore me apart. It made me go crazy, insane even. It felt like my world was done and over with, but you gave me hope again. You gave me the strength I needed to live. You showed me why I have to be here and why you have to be there. I'm finally okay with that. I'm finally accepting the loss of you.

You taught me everything I know. You took me under your wing and made me your whole world. From teaching me to drive, to throwing out a line; you were the guidance I needed. Without you, I wouldn't of had anyone. My life would be a whole different story. Luckily, God blessed me with you. Even though time was cut far too short, I was still lucky enough to have had you and all the lessons you taught me. And for that alone, I couldn't be more thankful. You see Dad, from losing you, I've learned how precious time is. How you never know if you're going to wake up tomorrow or if your life will be taken from you. I live every day like its my last, now. I leave no words unspoken. I don't leave things on bad terms with anyone. You have shown me first hand what its like to lose someone without expectation. Without knowing it was coming. And that alone, was enough to change my outlook on life. The hardest time of my life turned into the greatest lesson I've ever learned.

Here's to the lowest time of my life to the highest. The hardest and the easiest. Here's to you. For not being seen or heard, but being present and listening. Somehow you have let me move on and push through the pain, tears, and suffering. I'm no longer numb and I'm no longer afraid to cry. Or to hurt. Because it's all a part of the process. It just shows how much you meant to me and how much of an impact you left on my life. You were so loved and so special to me. Luckily, your memory carries on through me. Even though you won't walk me down the aisle or see the kids I have some day, I know you'll be watching from heaven, smiling down, reminding me to not worry about you, but to worry about me. I know you'll protect us and be so proud of the person I'm becoming and the person I will be. I know you'll always be right there, just as if you were alive. I live my life for me, but I live it for you too, Dad. To the dreams you weren't able to accomplish, I'm here to do that for you. Even when I fall, I know you'll catch me and pick me up again. There will always be hard days, but I'll never be alone.

Thank you for giving me the best life I could ask for and for being the best Dad. For cheering me on and always being my biggest fan. For supporting my decisions, even if they weren't the best and for loving me unconditionally. I'll always miss you and I'll never ever forget you. Days, months, and years will come and go, but you'll live on forever. You will always have a piece of my heart that I'll never get back, until we meet again. I love you.