#when really i'm just putting gel on my arm every day and eating five packets of ramen in one sitting | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

the-casbah-way · 10 hours ago

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even though i really love what hrt is doing to me it has made me so self conscious because i know my body is changing more visibly now and i don't like the idea that people who know me very well will be able to see that. i just hate the idea of people looking at me. and i worry that the people i care about will like me less the more they look at me because i'm ugly

#some of my mum's family keep calling me fat now bc of the t weight gain as well which is irritating to me #1) i'm still clinically underweight according to the doctor 2) so fucking what if i was. why is it my problem that you're archaic #if you think being fat is bad that's like. fully your problem. that's on you. grow up and get a grip #and also i'm already hyper aware of the fact that my body has changed. i don't need you to keep drawing attention to it #it's frustrating because like. i WANT to gain weight. i feel way better abt how i look and i feel like i'm more attractive #but they keep making me feel guilty for it and like everyone is silently noticing and judging me for it #it's like. the whole time you've known me i've been miserable and consistently trying to off myself #i also spent my ENTIRE childhood and teen years taking care of my siblings + grandmother bc you guys couldn't be arsed #and now i'm finally doing something for myself that is making me way happier and you can't let me have that #i still have to see them regularly because they're living with my grandmother who i am obligated to visit #partly because she's ill and partly because i'm the one who does all her chores that she can't do anymore #because you guessed it. the family members living with her just sit around doing fuck all so i have to do it all instead #and last weekend i spent five hours raking leaves + moving bricks so when i came back in i was starving #and AS SOON as i started eating my (fake)auntie was like. girl you eat too much.#BROTHER ?????????? suck my fat cock ??? leave me alone ?????????#being so Out in the real world vs being so insanely Closeted in front of my family is so ew #it reminds me of being a closeted teenager living at home feeling like i was constantly harbouring this embarrassing evil secret #when really i'm just putting gel on my arm every day and eating five packets of ramen in one sitting #when i'm in queer spaces / on my own / having sex i feel so good abt myself i don't have an ounce of dysphoria #and then i go home and it's like oh. i'm actually the most disgusting evil creature on this planet and i deserve death #whatever. trans people and lesbians think i'm hot and i got mad head game so who gives a fuck

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