#when has that ever been her character i'm sorry this feels misogynistic to me? what you have a woman with a mysterious reputation

[zazikels]

this game will literally tell you anything except acknowledge the thing that started morrigan's reputation. she's had more lovers than there are trees in the forest but she's NOT A HERO OF THE FIFTH BLIGHT OR ANYTHING.

[coal15]

My opinions on the whole multi-shipping Buddie and Tevan situation. But first, [steps up on soapbox and yells into bullhorn] HAVE NO BEEF WITH ANYONE WHO FEELS DIFFERENTLY THAN ME SO I'D REALLY APPRECIATE NOT GETTING ANY "YOUR OPINIONS ARE STUPID AND PROBABLY SO ARE YOU" COMMENTS IN MY REPLIES. **If any such comments do appear in my replies I would ask the rest of you to please simply ignore them. You won't change their minds so confrontation will do nothing but further poison the waters.

Ahem. Carrying on. Warning, this post is LONG. Like, practically a novella.

I'm still a multi-shipper at heart in the sense that I will always love my memories in the Buddie fandom and how vocally we showed our support over the last six years--yes there was a SUPER PROMINENT contingent among us who directly engaged with and verbally disemboweled every actress who played a li on a regular basis, (and who harassed Oliver to the point of him quitting twitter) but most of us had the sense to direct our ranting at the fictional character or writers/showrunner/network with varying degrees of anger or indignation. Now speaking just for myself, in my time as a Buddie fan I never commented on the physical appearance of any li, so seeing a lot of buddie-or-bust folks now referring to Lou as "ugly" "rectangle-faced" "gross looking," etc has been disappointing. I hope they represent the minority. So far it looks like they do.

On to my reasons for and/or role in shutting down non-Buddie romances: While I never took to engaging her personally, I voiced harsh criticism of GW over her "honorary latina" comment, likewise EG for her transphobia and non-apology apology ("I'm sorry if you felt offended). And while I wish bucktaylor had stayed besties (preferably bi besties since there was no reason Buck couldn't have his bi awakening with a woman), my issue with them dating was at first just a lack of romantic chemistry and the fact that Taylor never apologized for what she did to Bobby or even admitted it was wrong. But as the relationship dragged on I watched the life drain out of Buck. They were stagnant as a couple and the look on Buck's face when he said ily back to her was . . . laughably unromantic. The only growth his character got from that relationship was him being the one to end it. As for eddieana, on top of lacking chemistry they were just plain dull. The end.

Moving on to Buck's kiss w/Lucy: I actually like AK and was excited to hear about her coming to 9-1-1. She was fun af as Lexi on VD so I was looking forward to seeing her play a different character. Aaaaannnnnnd then KR immediately ruined her by making it abundantly clear that she was created for one sole purpose: to complicate a man's storyline and spark off a love triangle--and she did so in the most offensive way possible. It was appalling, negatively affected Buck's character, and thankfully KR's response to the intense backlash was to pivot so the love triangle never manifested. But the damage was already done. No one had any interest in watching them poke/flirt for the rest of the season. I was deeply offended by such a misogynistic use of a female character and it still boggles my mind that a woman created her.

Anyhow, all this was a long winded way of saying that my reasons for wanting those li gone went well beyond my investment in Buddie. Though I did strongly believe no romantic narrative for either of them could ever compete w/the Buckley-Diaz Family, at the end of the day those romantic arcs were ruined for me by writing mistakes, problematic actresses, and lack of chemistry (which is admittedly subjective and something we all approach with shipper goggles to some degree--if you think you 100% absolutely don't you're lying to yourself). I stand by a lot of the reasons Buddies were so opposed to those li being endgame. Yes, plenty of us took things waaaaaaay over the line re: direct personal attacks against actresses and/or non-buddie fans, but I think far more of us than not did argue in good faith and toward the right people. We just didn't stand out as much or get as much engagement because . . . well, toxic behavior is rewarded on sm with more clicks, shares, likes, quotes, etc. Attention seekers gonna seek.

As for why it's so hard to ship happily on sm: in my experience a handful of problematic or outright unhinged fans (on both sides) will go around stirring shit, provoking arguments, and soon the dog pile effect kicks in because everyone wants to defend their tribe. Arguments go in circles, spin off, get more and more petty, until most of "us" end up discussing amongst ourselves about how "they" are a bunch of [insert string of negative attributes here], which then in itself provokes a reaction from "them." Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually way too many of "us" are hissing and snarling at "them" more often than theorizing about or celebrating our ship . . . the thing we enjoy . . . and it's really hard to detach from that cycle, especially when things get personal. I recommend total non-acknowledgement, but even I struggle to hold that line when I read something I think is terrible. I'm making an effort these days to just keep scrolling thru my feed until I hit something happy, and if there's a negative comment somewhere in the thread to give it ZERO engagement of any kind. Not. Easy.

Which brings me to where I am today. During my time in the Buddie fandom I assumed that for most of us the actual queer rep mattered more than any one ship. Hell, if Taylor had been the one to wake Buck up to his bisexuality--and admitted what she did to Bobby was wrong--they might have grown on me as an endgame couple. I've accepted "meh" endgame couples before as long as everything else on a show stayed solid. I also thought that Buck could never, ever look at anyone with bigger hearteyes than the way he looked at Eddie, but . . .

. . . Enter Tommy. As soon as they kissed, and in their albeit limited screentime afterward (thanks a lot shortened season!) I learned a lesson: there are different kinds of hearteyes. In my opinion Buck looks at Eddie with complete adoration and love, yes. Total hearteyes. But the way he looks at Tommy is . . . "Oh, that's what Buck looks like when he's absolutely smitten, that's how he acts, that's what a romantic crush looks like on Buck. Wow." It wasn't better or worse than his hearteyes or vibe with Eddie, just conspicuously different. It re-framed the way I see the Buckley-Diaz Family as well, and the way I read their chemistry. As I mentioned earlier chemistry is subjective, and once I actually had something queer to compare with Buddie's chemistry, I stopped rooting for romantic Buddie. I wouldn't exactly be furious if they went canon since I did spend all those years rooting for them and it would still be a high profile queer storyline, but I would rather see the Buckley-Diaz Family and Tevan coexist. I think they can, and I think it would be beautiful.

So here's where I stand with my preference and opinions today:

Falling in love doesn't mean everyone else in your life gets demoted. Feelings aren't like pie. Maddie doesn't love Buck any less since she fell in love with Chimney. Athena didn't love her daughter any less when her son came along. There's not a finite amount of love and you're serving out pieces of it. You can love more than one person with all your heart. And that's how I feel about Buck and the Buckley-Diaz Family. He and Eddie are more than friends, different than brothers, they just . . . have their own dynamic. It's unique, special, and vital to both of their identities. And those facts will not be altered by either of them falling in love w/another person. If anything, the Buckley-Diaz Fam has become more special to me since I started rooting for a Tevan endgame.

Queer rep matters more to me than Buddie. Buck coming out as bi wasn't and shouldn't be seen as a step on the road to "winning" the ship I wanted for years. It is completely awesome progress for us whether they're endgame or not. Ditto for Tevan. Also, at the end of the day I ship Buck+Happiness and Eddie+Happiness, and right now Buck seems to be falling for Tommy. What happens with Eddie remains to be seen.

Looking at the whole picture, I will always love Buddie and kinda wish they'd gone canon in s4 or 5, but I think that moment has passed and I'm not mad or bitter about it. I adore the Buckley-Diaz Family, I adore Tevan, and I want to see them both thrive in s8. Now if you'll excuse me, my fingers have begun to bleed from all this typing.

[daydreamingfuel]

Freak Like Me

Chapter 2

Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

AO3 // previous // next

Y/N has just moved to Hawkins from England with her parents and is starting at the high school in the final term of her senior year. Eddie immediately takes a liking to her and they become fast friends, deciding to take her under his wing and falling to her charms. This is Hawkins however and things are never quite as they seem...

WHOLE FIC TAGS & WARNINGS: gratuitous use of Y/N (I'm not sorry), friends to lovers, slow burn, mutual pining, eventual smut, semi-fix-it-fic, angst, injury, canon dialogue and events used, canon graphic violence, no main character death :)

Chapter Tags & Warnings: daddy issues, panic attack description, use of misogynistic language in a nightmare, heavy flirting, Jason, Chrissy makes an appearance, slight cliff-hanger?

Chapter Word Count: 6.4k

A/N - yes I know it's been 7 months but a lot of shit happened and I had writers block, so sue me

As Eddie walked away, Y/N felt their heart feel slightly fuller knowing her life wasn't going to go completely fall apart in Hawkins. She had a friend. And the possibility of more friends in the form of Hellfire. Maybe, just maybe things wouldn't go up in flames this time. Plopping down on the sofa next to her mother, she noticed her mum smiling to herself. Y/N quickly realised that her mother had heard everything that had happened in the kitchen and was forming her own opinion on what had happened.

"Don't" Y/N, said looking at her mother, who hadn't stopped looking at the book she was reading, avoiding eye contact.

Mrs Y/L/N just smiled more, "I'm not saying anything."

"Good. Because it's not what you think." Y/N settled back into the sofa, and Mrs Y/L/N only responded with a small 'Mm'hm'. Y/N cocked her head slightly with a scoff, about to argue her case when they bit their tongue as both women heard the front door opening. Mr Y/L/N was home.

Y/N and her mother looked at each other, enjoying the calm before the inevitable storm. They both knew that he would not be in a good mood, he rarely was anymore. Y/N couldn't remember the last time she had seen her father genuinely happy; she only ever saw stress, anger, and frustration. And drunk.

"How was work dear?" Mrs Y/L/N said, placing her book on the coffee table and standing to greet her husband in the kitchen, Y/N following behind. 'Here we go…'

"You know I can't talk about it, the project I'm working on is confidential." The man said dropping into a chair at the table with a thumb and a finger on his temples. "Y/N, how was your first day? You didn't get into any trouble, did you?"

"No dad I didn't, just bombarded with ridiculous questions…but it was actually okay, I made a friend." Y/N smiled to herself, and her mother winked behind her father's head as she caught her eye, making them glare playfully at each other. Mr Y/L/N missed the whole interaction, eyes still shut as he tried to massage away the headache. Without really thinking, the words tumbled out of her mouth, "As a matter of fact, he's picking me up for school tomorrow morning, he left his van here after dinner." This made her mother tense and Mr Y/L/N's eyes snap open.

"He?" the man questioned, stifling his growing anger, "Dinner?" He turned to look at his wife, whose eyes were only on her daughter, before he turned back to Y/N, "Is that whose van is outside? Y/N, I told you not to do this-"

"I know dad." Y/N cut him off, as Mrs Y/L/N laid a hand on her husband's shoulder, giving a warning squeeze. "But nothing is going to happen."

His voice raised a little, "It'd better not otherwise I'll-"

"You'll what dad? What would you do?" Y/N bit back, louder.

"Okay let's all calm down." Mrs Y/L/N finally got a word in, but it was fruitless as Mr Y/L/N stood up and raised his voice further. It was nowhere near the first time this had happened and both women of the household knew it wouldn't be the last.

Y/N didn't react, and Mrs Y/L/N didn't try to step in again, they just listened to the man rant and watched as he paced the kitchen, seething at the prospect of Y/N causing any more trouble. Y/N couldn't remember when he had grown so cold towards her but over the years learnt that it was just better to take it than argue. When he finally ran out of words to target Y/N and sat back down, she silently turned and walked to her room, not letting him see the effect he had on her. He didn't need to see her to know she was sufficiently scolded, and wouldn't talk back for the foreseeable future. She could hear parents muffled talking, knowing not another word would be said about what had just happened and squeezed her eyes shut tight willing tears not to fall.  A pointless pursuit as the tears fell regardless.

Of course, this is how the day ends.

Ruined.

Because you couldn't hold your tongue.

You knew he would react like this.

How stupid can you get?

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Y/N slid down the door, hands pressed over her ears to drown out the thoughts. Once she was sat she let out a choked sob and let all the tears out, holding her body together with arms wrapped tight. She cried and cried until her body physically couldn't and all that came out was heaving, shaky breaths. Wiping her eyes on her sleeve and taking a deep breath she finally relaxed a little. Exhausted, she pulled herself off the floor and started slogging over to the bed until she stood on something small and pointy.

Dice.

"Fuck!" She cursed under her breath and looked down. All of the things Eddie had brought were still scattered all over Y/N's floor. Her lip trembled slightly, remembering how nice the night had been, as she kneeled and put all the things away in the bag he had also left. She would give it to him in the morning. Checking the clock, and seeing it was well past midnight, she groaned. Having vaguely heard her parents go to bed a while ago she knew it was late, but time had escaped her. She needed to sleep. Collapsing onto the bed, and staring at the ceiling, Y/N tried to forget about the sour turn of events and focus on all the good things that were to come. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep.

Y/N walked down the corridor, anxiously pulling at her school jumper, and keeping her eyes cast down, avoiding all the stares of her peers. Rounding the corner, she ran straight into the last person she wanted to see.

"You should really watch where you're going." He spoke flatly, eyes looking straight through her. The same eyes that had once gazed at her like she hung all the stars in the sky. Not a hint of malice or judgement. Now she saw only disinterest and resentment. He had gotten what he wanted.

Y/N said nothing and tried to push past but he caught her wrist tightly and pulled her back, "Got nothing to say now?" He spat viciously, "After running that dirty mouth of yours you'd think you'd at the very least be able to say something."

As she went to turn and hit him, she found herself surrounded.

Slut. Whore. Greedy bitch. Disgusting. Dirty. Pervert. Freak.

The words echoed around her. Growing louder and louder and louder until-

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Y/N groaned as she sat up and reached to shut up her alarm clock. Blinking slowly and softly shaking her head, Y/N tried to shake off the dream. The memory had been warped over time, but the feeling remained the same. All she felt was shame as she climbed out of bed and got ready for the day. Pulling open the curtains, the sun blazed through and made her squint, shielding her eyes as her body was instantly warmed despite it being February. After changing into something weather appropriate, she collected everything she needed and headed to the bathroom to freshen up. Y/N pulled her hair off her face and secured it as best she could then looked herself dead in the eye in the mirror.

"You can do this, it's a fresh start, and you're already doing better than you thought…just breathe…" The pep talk was unconvincing but somehow managed to force Y/N's head a little higher.

Breakfast was silent, Mr Y/L/N had already left for work and Mrs Y/L/N was lost in thought staring into her mug of tea. She knew her mother meant well, but the silence was killing her. Before she could muster up the courage to say something, the honk of a horn sounded from outside. Eddie. With a sigh, Y/N pushed off from where she leant against the counter and gave her mother a chaste kiss on the cheek as she picked up her things, and Eddie's bag of D&D paraphernalia, before heading outside to see Eddie sat in his van, passenger door open and waiting for Y/N, A cheeky grin on his face.

"Morning, Y/L/N." The sound of his voice instantly soothed her and made an unconscious smile appear on her tired face.

"Morning, Munson. I have the stuff you left at mine last night." Y/N said whilst buckling her seatbelt and nodding her head to the bag.

"Goddamn it, now I don't have a reason to come by after school with the excuse of getting my shit." He said playfully as he started the engine, pulled out of the spot in front of the house, and turned on a mixtape – Black Sabbath pouring out through the speakers. Y/N chuckled slightly at the predictable choice and watched him drive for a while, taking in how the sunlight made his skin glow and highlighted the soft curls of his wild hair. His hands gripping the steering wheel accentuating the lean muscles in his forearm, the bat tattoo rippling slightly making the wings look like they were moving with each subtle flex. Having felt her eyes on him for minutes uninterrupted, he smirked cheekily and said, "Stop staring, you're gonna burn a hole straight through me."

"Shut up." He laughed as she rolled her eyes, "As if I would actively stare at you Eddie, you flatter yourself."

"Yeah sure, you definitely weren't checking out my sick tattoos." He pushed back and glanced at her, with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

If she was bolder, and more truthful, she would have said "I really love your tattoos and was completely fascinated by the way the bats look like they're flying as you drive," but she wasn't that bold so, Y/N scoffed and moved her eyes to the horizon, and instead said, "You wish."

The conversation stopped for a good few minutes before either spoke again, just enjoying the music and each other's company, Y/N breaking their silence with, "Do you think we could do a one-on-one, private D&D game?"

"Sorry, what?" Eddie had to blink a few times to fully register what she had said, "Can you say that again, I zoned out listening to the music."

"I said," Y/N chuckled, "Do you think we could do a one-on-one, private D&D game? I was thinking just a little homebrew- is that the right word? Just so I can fully get used to the mechanics and maybe level up if you're feeling generous before my first game with the party…I don't want to embarrass myself in front of them, especially if you're all experienced players…I understand if you can't it was just a passing thought. I'll shut up now."

Once Y/N's short ramble had stopped, she took notice of Eddie's reaction and couldn't help but smile. The man was practically buzzing in his seat, wide grin and fingers drumming excitedly against the steering wheel, eyes sparkling a little at the mere thought. She hadn't realised how close they were to the school, so when he parked the car and fully turned to face her, Y/N was startled a little.

"First of all, yes homebrew is the correct term, well done, and second - that sounds like a great idea, I'm annoyed that I didn't think of it first." Eddie finally answered, the excitement practically dripping od his tongue at the prospect, "I'm going to spend the rest of today thinking of a small campaign we can start and finish before Hellfire, do you want to do something classic or a little darker, or we can do something a little more whimsical if that's more your speed or-"

"Remember to breathe, Munson." Y/N giggled, cutting off his run-on sentence, his arms that were flailing in front of his face as he spoke froze as she interrupted his flow, "I'll be happy with anything, I'm excited to see what you come up with."

He was completely bewildered by her, nobody had ever been this interested not only in D&D but also in wanting to spend so much time with him, except for maybe Dustin. Beaming as he spoke, Eddie replied, "This is just so great, I'm so glad you are into this. If I'm being honest, I was kind of worried that I'd scared you off a little, you seemed a little disgruntled when I picked you up."

"Oh," Y/N scratched the side of her neck slightly, resisting the urge to just tell him everything, "I just didn't sleep very well, nothing to do with you."

He nodded, and though he was unconvinced, he didn't push. Eddie wanted to ask her what was actually wrong, sensing there was something but chose to let it go, she would tell him when she was ready, he hoped. As they hopped out of the van and shut the doors behind them, Y/N tried to shake off the growing nausea in the pit of her stomach, suddenly being hit with vivid memories of the night before and the nightmare that woke her up. Eddie rounded the front of the vehicle and met her at the passenger door, leaning against it slightly. He stood close, looking at her intensely, as though trying to read her mind. Her eyes were shut tight, and her bottom lip caught within her teeth, her knuckles cracking between her palms.

"Hey, you okay?" Eddie eventually asked and stepped a little closer, concern knitting in his brow, before he jumped back a little when her eyes popped open with a fluttering blink and locked gaze with him.

"Yeah, sorry. Just lost in thought." Y/N tried to laugh it off, but he just raised an eyebrow at her odd behaviour. Not wanting to linger on the topic, she quickly asked, as she pushed off from the van and headed towards the school, turning to face him and walking backwards a little as she asked, "Can we do yours tonight?"

"Umm, yeah I guess, my place is a bit messy but I don't really see an issue," Eddie replied, following after her and quickly catching up.

As she turned to face front again when he was by her side again, she smiled at him over her shoulder and commented, "I don't mind a little mess."

He smiled back, dimples poking out a little, "We can do it straight after school if you want? I'll make you dinner this time, though it'll be nowhere near as good as your mom's cooking, I apologize in advance."

"You're forgiven," her laughter rang through the air, as they pushed through the doors of the school.

The day ran smoother than the previous, most people no longer cared that there was a new girl now that she had chosen to associate with the nerds and freaks of the school. She managed to slide right past any of their gazes as she walked through the corridors, waving briefly at Dustin, Mike and a friend of theirs she didn't know as the pair passed them. Dustin grinned and gave a quick "Hi, Y/N", and Mike gave a tight-lipped smile, their friend giving an acknowledging nod. Although there were still a few that didn't want to leave her alone, Jason being one. As soon as Y/N and Eddie walked into homeroom together, laughing at a story Eddie was telling, he scowled and stared with a slack jaw.

"You should close your mouth, you're gonna catch flies," Y/N said in passing, patting his shoulder firmly to shake him out of his stupor. His jaw quickly snapped shut as Eddie laughed at her snide remark. Jason turned in his chair to make a comment back but the bell rang and Mrs O'Donnell walked in right as he opened his mouth. No other incidents happened for the rest of the morning, and by lunch, she had all but forgotten about why she woke up in a bad mood.

Dustin and Mike's friend from that morning, Lucas Sinclair, had joined them for lunch, Y/N quickly learned that they had been friends for years along with their other friend Will Byers who had moved to California along with his older brother – who was dating Mikes sister - and adoptive sister of the same age Jane, who they affectionately call El – who was dating Mike, his eyes lighting up at the mention of them, talking animatedly. Dustin's eyes crinkle with a grin as he adds details and Lucas smiles as he nods along to the stories of their childhood. They didn't need to say it, but they had formed a bond as close as family, and quite clearly deeply cared for one another. As adorable as she found them reminiscing about their friend, Y/N was caught up on one detail.

"You have a girlfriend?" Y/N interrupted, unable to stop the words from coming out and shutting up the boys instantly, and she backtracked seeing their furrowed eyebrows "That came out ruder than intended, sorry."

"It's okay," Mike reassured before adding, "we've been dating for almost a year, but we've known each other for 3 years. She's pretty cool." He says with a knowing smile and the other boys agree. "Dustin's got a girlfriend too though, they met at nerd camp."

"Camp Know Where." Dustin corrected before grinning with pride, "Suzie's awesome, she's a genius."

Lucas then added, "And I did have a girlfriend, Max, who's amazing, but she broke up with me before school started and kinda stopped talking to me…she kinda stopped talking to everyone actually…but she's great. A total badass." He still adored her.

"So you're telling me, that all three of you have girls that you like and they like you, and you obviously have a solid friend group and yet you still get labelled as outcasts and nerds?"

"Yup."

"Pretty much."

Dustin giggled at Y/N's disbelief, "But we are nerds. They're not exactly wrong."

"Is that why Lucas here joined the basketball team?" Y/N raised an eyebrow at the boy, who bristled at the accusation but didn't deny it. "Look, if you honestly enjoy it and it makes you happy then I'm all for it, but if you're just doing it to try to gain some popularity and status…" she bit her tongue, it wasn't her place, so she finished by saying "just don't sell out, cause from the sounds of things you're pretty popular in your own right." He sits back in his chair and mulls it over in silence.

Eddie whistles lowly, having listened in. "Damn."

Y/N feels her cheeks heat up, the gaggle of boys all processing her words. They had all been listening in. "I'm sorry, you don't need to hear my opinion on it…"

"Don't be," Lucas immediately pipes up and his warm brown eyes reassure her that she didn't overstep, "You've just given me some stuff to think about."

"Well, Y/L/N, if you've done interrogating my disciples," Eddie cuts in with a lazy smile, leaning back in his chair, and the freshmen scoff, making Y/N snicker, "do you wanna go for a quick smoke before class?"

"Where? Smoking isn't allowed on school property." She leans back, challenging him and he doesn't back down.

"I know a place." He says it flippantly as he pulls out a cigarette and places it behind his ear and pulls out a second for her.

"Well, that isn't ominous at all."

"Don't you trust me?"

She smiles. His eyes twinkle. "I probably shouldn't but I do."

Eddie stands and holds out his hand. "Then follow me."

Without a second thought, she takes his hand and picks up her stuff with the other before he leads her out of the rooms and away from his gawking friends. His grip on her hand dropped, only to gently place it on the small of her back to guide her through the corridors and out the back of the school towards the tree line. Confidently striding through the greenery, Eddie eventually stopped at a small clearing in the tall trees, a lone picnic bench sitting in the middle, paint peeling away and the wood splintering, but appearing sturdy as it blended into the darkness of the bark, grass growing around the foot of the benches. Eddie turned to face Y/N and gestured to the table with a 'ta-da'-like flourish, a wide grin on his face, a dimple popping out.

The table creaked slightly beneath them as they sat opposite each other, Y/N leaned across the table as Eddie lit his cigarette and stole it from his lips before he could take a drag. His eyes widened at the nerve of her, his eyebrows raised incredulously as she laughs behind a cloud of smoke. "You little shit..." he mutters which only makes her laugh more before she takes another drag and places the cigarette back between his lips, her fingertips brushing them slightly. She stays leaned in towards him, face resting on her hands as he shakes his head at her before he blows smoke in her face, making her nose crinkle. "Should I light the other or…?"

"Save it for later," she answers, and he furrows his brow as he places it back in the packet.

"You don't want one?" he asks in rebuttal, and she shakes her head between her hands, and he matches her stance leaning in towards her on one hand, cigarette hanging from his ringed fingers. "Then why did you follow me out here?"

"You asked me to."

His confused gaze softens into one of awe before quickly turning smug, "You really do like me, don't you?"

"Meh." She replies with a cheeky grin and a tilt of the head as he pretends to be shot in the chest, having mildly bruised his ego. "Well, if I'm being completely honest Munson, you've charmed me and it annoys me to no end. But don't let it get to your head."

"No promises." He grins widely, the contagion of his joy forcing a grin onto her face. "You know, most people are scared of me. Think I'm a satanist cult leader or something I don't know." They laugh at the ridiculousness, "And yet you, after one day, you trust me for whatever reason, probably a terrible idea by the way I'm a horrible influence-"

"Eddie, are you trying to tell me not to be your friend?" Y/N interrupts, her eyes dropping from his gaze and her heartbeat picking up a little, mind racing with questions of if she's come on too strong.

So desperate for people to like you, you cling to the first person who shows you kindness? How pathetic.

"No! God no!" He answers just a bit too loudly, scaring her out of her train of thought a little and looking back at his slightly wild eyes. "I'm just not used to people wanting to be my friend, especially pretty girls."

"Pretty?" She sees the panic in his eyes as he registered what he'd said and tries to ignore the incessant fluttering in her stomach, "You flatter me, Munson, you should see yourself."

He blushes. She thinks he's pretty.

She pushes the thought away.

"I erm-" he clears his throat, and regains some of his composure, "I don't want you to not be my friend."

"Good." They lock eyes for a lingering moment before he takes a drag of his cigarette, flicking off the ash and placing it in between her lips again. She gulps as his hand brushes the skin of her face gently before pulling away and leaning against his hands again. Smoke surrounds them as she talks but he isn't deterred in the slightest. "So, any ideas for tonight? Or is it a surprise?"

"Well, I was thinking, 'cause it'd be your first time, we do something special," Eddie says, faking a sweet smile but a smirk can't help but creep up onto his face at the insinuation.

"Ha ha." She deadpans in response, trying and failing to stop a smile from gracing her lips, Eddie instantly noticing and allowing the wry smile to stay.

"Seriously though, I want you to enjoy it so I've created something small, heavily influenced by Hobbiton, where you can learn the mechanics without any real threat." The smile turns genuine as he talks, watching her get more and more excited as she thinks about the possibilities.

"That sounds amazing! God I can't wait, I'll spend the rest of the day noting down little character traits for my one-shot halfling and-" she interrupted herself, "-wait, I don't have any dice."

He seems unbothered by the thought, and waves the thought away as though it was a fly getting too close to his face, "Don't worry about it, I got you covered."

Y/N didn't have any time to think about it further before they heard the bell signalling the end of lunch in the distance, and groaned in unison, neither of them wanting to go back to being around other people so soon. Eddie took a long drag of the cigarette, smoke filling his lungs and blowing it into the air before passing it to Y/N to finish. Once she had, she stubbed it out on the table, the little black ring joining the collection that Eddie had left over the years. Wandering back towards the school, a sneaky thought crept into her head – was this a kind of…date? Did he share his cigarettes with everyone? Or was she somehow special to him? Her head was already filled with him after only 36 hours of knowing him, but she never wanted him to escape her mind.

The day passed smoothly after their impromptu escape into the woods but her stomach fluttered with anticipation of what the evening would bring. By the time their last period literature class rolled around she was practically buzzing in her seat but tried their hardest to keep it contained. However, the pretty blonde cheerleader next to her took notice and giggled to herself. Y/N was about to say something snarky but the girl spoke before she could.

"I don't think ever seen someone so excited for school to be over," she said in a saccharine tone that on anyone else would seem fake but on this girl, it seemed to be genuine. "You must have after-school plans!"

"Actually yeah, I do." The girl grinned and looked at her expectantly, "You don't wanna know, it's pretty nerdy."

"Yeah, I gathered, since you and Eddie Munson have basically been attached at the hip since lunch yesterday." There was an underlying edge to her voice, but it was surprisingly non-judgemental. "Jason thinks he's a complete freak but all his friends still go to him for deals. It makes no sense to me!"

She did not need to explain what she meant by 'deals', Y/N understood immediately, connecting the dots to his 'meeting' before he went to her house the previous night. "Hypocrites."

The girl laughs, and Y/N could swear the room got a little brighter, "Exactly! I'm Chrissy by the way."

"Y/N," she replied with a smile right as the teacher walked in and they both turned to face the board to pay attention. The class dragged after that, time mocking her as she waited for the final bell to ring. Although, she and Chrissy did exchange thoughts on the book they were analysing and discovered that they both found it exhausting, sparking a brief, joined rant over the dubious morality of the author. When the bell did finally ring, Y/N all but threw her books and pencil case into her backpack, forcing another giggle to sound beside her.

"You're gonna break your bag at that rate!" Chrissy commented through giggles as she packed up her own stuff. "You know you never did tell me what you two had planned for tonight…?"

"Oh," Y/N let out an awkward half-laugh-half-cough, then perched on the edge of her desk facing the blonde who mimicked her, "we're just doing some D&D stuff, and he's gonna cook, nothing that special really."

Chrissy didn't seem to think so, a wide grin spreading across her face, "He's taking you back to the trailer?!"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, he likes you." Y/N blanched, words caught in her throat, as Chrissy continued, "Nobody ever really goes to the trailer, even his deals are out in the woods somewhere apparently. He doesn't trust easily, and honestly, I don't blame him, with the way he's treated by-"

An arm suddenly draped around Chrissy's shoulders as Jason appeared next to her, "What are we talking about over here, ladies?" Chrissy shrinks into him but still smiles at Y/N, giving her a small wink.

"Nothing that concerns you," Y/N answers smoothly, despite the flurry of emotions running through her. "Ladies have their secrets, you know? Do you tell Chrissy what you and your boys talk about, hmm?"

His eyes narrow as he glances between his girlfriend and apparent new annoyance in his well-crafted life, "You two have secrets?"

"Of course!" Chrissy interjects, placing a delicate hand on Jason's. "All friends have secrets."

Friends.

Chrissy had claimed her as a friend.

Y/N had somehow managed to weasel her way into being friends with not only the school outcasts but also managed to charm the school golden girl, much to the chagrin of her boyfriend. Despite everything that Chrissy represented, a deep-rooted part of Y/N genuinely liked the girl, recognising an old part of herself in the perfectly styled, candy-coated haze of a blonde in front of her. Y/N raised an eyebrow at the jock, daring him to say another word but he plastered on a smile and held Chrissy tighter, biting his tongue.

"Chrissy, let me walk you to practice," Jason redirected his girlfriend towards the door gently, before glancing back towards Y/N, "head of the team can't be late."

"See you tomorrow Y/N, have fun tonight!" Chrissy called over her shoulder as the couple left the room, leaving Y/N alone with her thoughts. Snapping herself back to her senses, she quickly grabbed her things and all but ran out the door, making a beeline towards the car park.

Eddie, paced back and forth next to his van, kicking around a rock, whilst he waited for Y/N. Part of him believed that this was all one elaborate joke she was playing on him, that she couldn't possibly have any interest in him. But then he felt a tap on his shoulder and whirled around to see her leaning against the van, smiling at him, and all those pesky thoughts vanished.

"Ready to go? Or do you want to play with yourself a little longer?" Y/N quirked her head at him a little and watched as a blush grew on his cheeks slightly and kicked the rock out of sight before rounding the van to get in the driver's seat.

Fifteen minutes later they arrived at the trailer park and Eddie shut off the engine of his van but didn't hop out of the car, instead, he simply turned in his seat to face Y/N. He licked his lips and fiddled with his rings in his lap, leg bouncing where he sat. Y/N scanned him, then reached out a hand to rest on the skin of his knee poking through his jeans, "What's wrong?"

Eddie swallowed and glanced down at her hand on his knee before meeting her gaze, "I just- it's ridiculous, you've been nothing but kind to me and I selfishly don't want to believe that you're anything like anyone else in this fucking town, but- I just-" he closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the seat, "I don't want you to judge me on where and how I live. God knows I want out of here, 'much as the next person-"

"Eddie…"

"-I know it's nothing compared to where you live but I was raised here and-"

"Eddie."

"-It's my home and God I-"

"Eddie, oh my God, shut up!" Y/N finally managed to stop his rambling to make him look at her, eyes wide like a scolded puppy, but it softened when he saw not a single trace of judgement on her face, "I don't give a fuck where you live, or what state it's in – as long as it's not making you ill," he chuckled and she continued, "point is, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be, so shut your ass up and let's go play D&D."

"Point well taken." Eddie unlocked the door and ran around to open the door for Y/N, giving her a hand as she hopped out of the van, squeezing it slightly as he led her up the doors to the trailer and let her in.

"What do you mean I died?!" Y/N was exasperated as Eddie rolled over with a fit of loud laughter. The hours had flown by as Eddie guided her through her first game, gifting her a set of his old dice for her to use until she got her own, the gesture making her stomach knot. The dice were simple black acrylic with white numbers but Y/N immediately promised herself to cherish them like gold.

"You failed your acrobatics check jumping off a table and took too much damage cause you're a level 1, then rolled a crit.1 on your last death saving roll, you're dead - them's the rules, honey!" Eddie managed to choke out through his raucous laughter.

"I blame the dice..." Y/N muttered with a pout, arms folded across her chest, glaring at the little acrylic demons.

"Aww, don't pout honey, it's not the dice's fault you're comically shit at this." He mocked, leaning on his arm with a dopey grin, earning him a gentle push so he laid flat. "Hey! No violence towards the Dungeon Master!"

"Oh shut up!" she nudged him again but he caught her wrist and locked his eyes on her, a single eyebrow raised.

"I didn't take you for a sore loser." He sat up, her wrist still caught in his grasp, his voice dropping to a low timbre, sending shivers down her spine. If he kept looking at her like this, she thought she might explode. "Now, because I'm having too much fun watching you get all...passionate, let's say, about the game, I'll let it slide, just this once, and bring you back to life."

She grinned and went to speak but he held a finger to her lips to stop her, before adding, "Just don't tell the others, can't have them thinking I've gone soft as DM. It's our little secret."

She silently held up her pinkie for him to take as a promise and he snickered but locked it in with his pinkie. With his face this close to hers, she could see all of the little details on his skin and ultimately got lost looking into those deep brown of his eyes. Feeling her heartbeat skip, she knew she was fucked.

"I should probably call my mum; tell her I'm not coming home for dinner…"

"Yeah probably."

Nobody moved an inch. Eyes and pinkies locked.

"Eddie?"

"Yeah?"

"You need to let go of my hand."

Eddie cursed under his breath and let her hand go, "Sorry,"

"Don't be," Y/N smiled and left the room to phone home, whilst Eddie collapsed back on the bed, running a hand across his face with a frustrated groan.

Outside the room, Y/N was leaning back on the wall, mind racing, trying to figure out what had just happened. Somehow, they had immediately fallen into a natural flirtation and it confused them both, but neither wanted it to end. It just felt so right, but so utterly terrifying. Pulling herself off the wall by his door, she quickly located the phone and dialled home, the phone barely ringing once before being answered, as though her mum had been sat by the phone, waiting.

"Y/N please tell me this is you. I've been worried sick." Mrs Y/L/N frantically said, the distress clear in her voice.

"Mum calm down, please, I'm fine, really I'm fine," Y/N twisted the cable around her fingers as she spoke, brows creased.

Her reassurance did extraordinarily little to calm her mother, "Then where the bloody hell are you?!"

"With Eddie." Silence. Y/N continued, "I'm at his trailer, we've been going over some D&D stuff, lost track of time I guess."

"Well, I'm relieved you're safe at least, I take it you won't be home for dinner?" Her mother sounded a little less tense, but it was strained, trying not to let Y/N know just how stressed she was. Y/N replied with a hum of acknowledgement before letting her mother continue, "Just make sure you're home before your dad, we don't need a repeat of last night." The thought sent an anxious chill down Y/N's spine, nodding subconsciously even though her mum couldn't see it. "Have fun, I love you."

"I love you too, mum. See you later." Y/N hung up and took a few deep breaths.

She needed to shake off this feeling before going back to Eddie, not wanting to ruin another perfectly good night. Once she felt a little more stable, she willed a small smile back onto her face and re-entered Eddie's room to find him playing absentmindedly with the dice, peering up through a curtain of hair as he heard the door move.

"So she knows, but we should probably get a move on, I need to be home before my dad otherwise he'll flip," Y/N said as casually as she could whilst leaning back on his door, arms folded across her chest.

He nodded in understanding whilst making his way over to her, crowding her personal space again, as he leaned in with one hand in his pocket and the other on the door by her head, "So dinner, are you prepared for a wonderful gourmet meal of canned soup and a bottle of beer?"

"And dessert?" Y/N asked looking up into his eyes with a quirk of her eyebrow.

If he was nervous he didn't let it show as he mirrored her expression and poked his tongue out in thought, before answering, "Well that depends, sweetheart," her heart skipped at the pet name, "What's your preferred popcorn flavouring?"

"Sweet and salty."

Why is he so close to me? Fuck, I want to kiss him.

"Excellent."

He suddenly pulls away and she has to blink quickly to readjust and shake the inappropriate thoughts away that had started to creep in again from him being so close.

Just friends, that's all we are, idiot.

previous // next

[zoeywades-spouse]

You make a lot of good points there.

Something like TNA has very obvious gender coding errors, most notably when Paolo talks about how he's marrying Sofia to Sam because he wants her to be a wife and mother and he thinks women shouldn't be in the business world. Yet he's marrying Sofia to a female CEO? There's no amount of mental gymnastics you can do to make that work. And to add salt to the wound are other smaller errors like f!Sam saying the kids have been "without a mother figure" or that time when the kids called f!Sam "Dad".

On the other hand, I think a good example of male-coding that's a little more implicit is Reagan in Surrender. For the most part it probably is a bit easier to suspend any disbelief with female Reagan's writing and behavior. But when you see them say shit like "When a woman agrees to be my sub, she agrees to obey" it feels weird from the female version.

Granted that line has no place in this story regardless of Reagan's gender, but it feels like something that only a misogynistic abusive guy would say. It'd be one thing if they said "when you agree to be my sub you agree to obey" or "when someone agrees to be my sub they agree to obey", but to specify woman in it (even in the possible context that Reagan is into women only regardless of gender) adds a hint of misogyny to it that... doesn't feel right coming from a sapphic woman.

Similarly with Kit from Untameable. Their behavior for the most part felt gender neutral to me, but the way Austin treats their relationship with MC feels more suited for a wlm route. I mean, it's not completely nonsensical for the others and it's honestly terribly written even for the wlm route, but why the mlw route would not accuse him of being slutshamey or the mlm and wlw routes would not accuse him of being homophobic is a bit odd.

With an LI like Kieran though I feel like it's easier to suspend any disbelief. None of Kieran's behaviors felt like they'd be rooted in misogyny, plus it is a fantasy realm setting different from modern day earth.

The extra weird thing about gender coding for LIs is that sometimes it can make the f!LI routes more preferable. I have seen some people say Reagan's behaviors felt less uncomfortable and creepy when they were coming from the female version. And as a GNC woman myself, I far preferred the mlw routes for books like ID, SW, and TCH as they felt a little more refreshing, compared to how been-there-done-that they'd have felt in the originally intended wlm routes. But even then, although stuff like LI carrying MC or MC sitting in LI's lap aren't nonsensical with non-wlm to me, I do still want some stories where it's the wlm route that feels more refreshing than the mlw, y'know. I want to be the one holding the umbrella for the LI, or bridal-carrying the LI, or having the LI sitting in my lap.

I'm noticing a lot of these problems– both the actual male coding of f!LIs and the lack of variety in romance dynamics– do boil down to essentially PB being lazy. They just play it safe and rely on a narrow stereotyped view of who their audience is (genderconforming allocishet women) and what they think they like. They rarely if ever expand their boundaries– and what makes that tragic is the fact that they have shown to be capable of doing so every now and then. But for the most part, it's playing it safe 90% of the time.

Sorry for the long ask, I just have a lot of thoughts on this.

Don’t apologize for the long ask! I love talking about gender so thank you! 😊

I agree that TNA has very obvious gender coding errors that make it clear when PB wrote Sam they wrote them as a man. And you’re spot on that there’s a difference between Sam and Regan but at the end of the day their writing still comes across as them being male-coded.

I think the biggest problem with Untameable in terms of gender coding isn’t the writing of Kit themselves but how they write the other characters’ perceptions and reactions to Kit.

Austin is definitely way too overprotective when it comes to female Kit but my biggest gripe is how in rural Oklahoma everyone is completely okay with Kit being a player who has a history of hooking up with only women. And all the women publicly fawning over her too? It’s completely unrealistic and shows that PB didn’t even consider how this would be unbelievable when Kit is a woman.

Listen I’m all for more queernorm stories but this story isn’t queernorm because outside of female Kit and MC there is not a single queer romance depicted. So having everyone in rural Oklahoma know Kit is queer and having them all be okay with it and a bunch of girls fawn over her just shows that Kit was written as a man by PB.

With Kieran I gotta say I disagree with you there. Domestic abuse and intimate partner violence is rooted in the patriarchy and when the victim is a woman rooted in misogyny. Kieran kidnapped the MC and abused her. I don’t think having that be in a fantasy setting changes the gender roles in any way, not when they’re literally being abusive. Even if Kieran is a woman in someone’s story, that abuse is still rooted in the patriarchy and misogyny.

Furthermore, the Cursed Heart is clearly inspired by A Court of Thorns and Roses. This book series is ripe with misogyny, violence against women, and so forth. The love interest in that series is this dark, brooding man from the Night Court (yes PB used the same name too) who literally groomed the 19 year old main character, SA’d her, and kidnapped her. Yet his abuse is then justified by the author and he is turned into the romantic hero of the series.

So personally I think Kieran’s actions are rooted in the patriarchy and misogyny no matter if it’s in a fantasy world or not, no matter if they’re a man or a woman. Abuse is a lot more common in cishet relationships (and while it can obviously happen in queer relationships it’s not as prevalent and even then that abuse is still rooted in the patriarchy) and considering the inspiration behind the Cursed Heart as well I’d say that Kieran is male-coded.

And you’re spot on. The problem is that PB knows which people in their audience pay the most (genderconforming allocishet women) and writes stories for them. They don’t consider how the relationship dynamics are different when it’s a queer relationship compared to a cishet one.

PB has definitely shown that they’re capable of it. For example, when playing Guinevere I really at any point never picked up on the LIs being heavily gendered towards male or female. And I agree PB absolutely has the ability to write these stories and LIs with care and consideration they just choose not to. It’s all about money these days which is very disappointing

Thanks for the ask!

[msookyspooky]

I nearly threw my phone in excitement when I saw the newest Update to TT! I grinned like an idiot when I saw it 😂.

The entire conversation with Stu and it is so incredibly in character for him and Billy. How Billy storms out of the house (even though it's still raining???) and is injured but still keeps his back straight and marches out to save his own ego, smh.

And Stu, despite his clear issues with empathy, is incredibly observant and he knows and understand *why* y/n is upset; and he actively admits that he needs y/n in his own life as y/n needs him-but she doesn't need him or Billy as much as they need her. It's a strange thing this bond all three of them share, there is so much history between them-mostly bad, tbh-but it connects them in a way where they have to trust each other (actually kinda brings to mind the convo Lillard's character Tim in 'The Curve' has with his roommate).

And of course Stu is still Stu where he does tell the truth and isn't fully lying, but is warping it slightly to benefit himself ("He offered a hopeful smirk that wavered when he saw you wouldn't spare him a glance.")

And the fact that Stu actually says 'I'm sorry' is really huge for someone like him. And he lets himself be vulnerable when he talks about how he felt when he really thought y/n was dead. And great for y/n that she tells Stu what's what, but Stu is still surprised when y/n says not seeing him or Billy again is probably for the best. When the two of them talk about how the various GF murders and continuous legacy of GF has affected their lives and y/n thinking in a messed up way, it brought Randy, Dewey, and Gale into her life for better or for worse.

And Stu gave her his number just in case!😭🥺

CHERRI! Cherri is the goodest dog and the poor baby hurt her paw trying to get to y/n! And good for Cherri for coming to bark angrily at Stu, Cherri knows people. And is Stu feeling bad/hurt that Cherri doesn't trust him anymore? I mean, it's a good reason why the dog doesn't trust you, Stu. (I keep forgetting that there was a framed photo of a dog in Stu's house, I think in his parents' bedroom???).

Stu just talking with Cherri was a really light moment, a good break after the convo Stu and y/n had.

(I know Scream 4 takes place like, 10 years later, but I want Cherri to live forever.)

And then the conversation b/t Billy and y/n! And Billy of course being the one who's so aggressive and denying his feelings, and his default is aggression when he doesn't want to confront his own feelings. And y/n not falling for his usual bs and telling him what's what even when he doesn't want to hear it. Billy doubles down and telling y/n that if anyone is going to kill her that it’s going to be him, and Y/n is an absolute badass telling Billy that she has a plot ready for him in the backyard if he ever comes after her or her loved ones.

How drained y/n suddenly is that 20 min before all three of them were talking and now the two of them are gone. Stu leaves behind that note with the heart 😭. And the y/n is crying while holding Cherri and saying she hates them both, and there’s such a bond between all three of them because of everything that’s happened. 

Billy crying in the car and Stu being an asshole about it is so in-character I-😂. And blame each other when it's both their faults. 🙄 Stu trying to get Billy to admit that he cares about y/n and Billy defaults to aggression and his misogynistic ass being all, “She's nothing but a two faced, weak ass, nagging female that needs knocked down a few pegs."🙄

How Stu gets very upset at what Billy is saying (""Don’t say that shit about her man. Not right now. Not to me.”), and makes Billy confront his feelings and unsurprisingly it explodes when Billy does acknowledge how he feels, how the past 3 years have been, and how he felt zero purpose in life anymore when he thought y/n had been killed. How Stu is like ‘Finally!’ when Billy does admit it, and Stu was right because now they can finally both come to terms with things.

Stu threatening Billy that he'll kill him if he goes after y/n🥺.

And Billy and Stu somehow manage to still be dorks as they smack at each other’s *wounds* in the car, and they will eventually go their separate ways-but we know they’ll be back for Scream 4.

I SCREECHED when I got to Dewey’s part and he had photographic evidence!!! It is one hell of a cliffhanger and Dewey wants to be respectful of y’n’s personal life (especially after everything that happened) but at the end he keeps wondering what y/n is hiding from Randy and him. How that Dennis guy looks so much like Stu Macher, and he wonders who that other dark haired man was. 

I am looking forward to what you have planned for the fourth installment in the series! TT has been an excellent read and I honestly can’t believe that it’s finished! Thank you for writing it!😊

OMGOSH THANK YOU I LOVE LONG REVIEWS LIKE THIS!!!🥺😭💘💘💘

Yes to everything and I'm so so glad it felt in character!!! I know the slow burn is slow but I intended for them to be together in 3 but after everything; it feels like a deserve and ooc of them after everything that's happened while 10 years to sit and mull over everything between them and a new Ghostface threat + now Dewey having evidence that they're alive. Because let's face it; Stu is NOT going to let YN die and Billy isn't either (I hAvE tO kiLl yOU oNlY- Okay sir whatever helps u sleep at night 🙄🤚)

Cherri is alive she may be old af and just a scrungly, smelly, blind and deaf old lady but she will be our old lady one more installment at least 🥺

[kassandras-one-braincell]

Don't know why I needed other ppl doing this to finally send you this appreciative ask, but I thought you wouldn't want to interact with anyone cuz you mentioned going through a slump. So i held in all the shit I wanted to say about your beautiful art (not visual arts) which is your writing.

Honestly, I joke yo write like you one day. Or at least as good as you. The way you describe shit is so... tidhsgfegsv idek fuck.

I've just been spending months reading all your works dude, you are BANGING in that area (your writing). I just- I just- maybe it's cuz it's been long since I wanted to say this so Idek the words to write, but I just love you and your work (sorry if saying ily makes you uncomfortable 🙏🏾).

Anyway, your writing is really beautiful, it's engaging, it makes me wanna give you my last penny if you publish a book and ask for more. Idk if that's... idk in..sen..sitive...? but idk you're really great is my point.

I think my first fice of yours was a sevika fic (like fine wine) but I didn't even know your blog cuz I didn't look at the name 💀. But I noticed your style of writing when I came to your blog and read your Kassandra fics.

See, for THOSE ones ???? I am forever grateful, cuz you made me live that woman more. And despite her not fully having a solid personality (yk the fact rhat we can choose what she says and all that), you captured her perfectly. I think my favourite fic is the one where reader moves into a new place and meets Kassy and her beautiful bird uhhh... Ikaros! Or maybe it's that friends with benefits one that I would love to read more of (I was sad when I saw it was supposed to be a full length fic, but it became headcannon 😪 it's still good though dw😭).

I'm typing too much now, but your fics made a um, safe (?) space for me in my head to properly daydream (this is probably bad but wtv 👀), and I think that's great.

Uhhhh, gb

Hope nothing I've said is offensive anywhere or in anyway. I hope you get through your stressful uni life successfully. I feel you on that. Uni is fucking stressful, especially with the misogynistic assholes you mentioned.

I didn't expect to full on ugly-cry today. But this is one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me. This genuinely means the world to me and I'm sad there aren't enough words to encapsulate the emotions I'm feeling right now 😭

Thank you for everything - your time reading my fics, your kindness, sharing your appreciation for the characters, and your consideration for my mental health. I will never close my inbox even if my brain is in the shitter, because interacting with the wonderful people who read my stuff is one of the few sources of real happiness in my life.

Daydreaming is a beautiful thing! And the reason I write is to help facilitate that, so I am very touched 😊

Rest assured, you have been nothing but sweet and considerate. Thank you so, so much for taking time to type this. I can't emphasise how much of a healing experience it was reading it. Have a lovely day my dear ❤️

[bratbarzal]

On Your Side (NH13) / Chapter Six

Pairing: Nico Hischier x Fem!OC Poppy Jensen*

*I say it's an OC, it's just a name and third person POV. I use minor character descriptions because I don’t get on with writing vague reader inserts/YN for long-form, story heavy fics, but I will generally try to avoid including race and body type or really any physical descriptors. I’m always open to feedback on my writing, or how to be more inclusive.

WC: 15k

Chapter Warnings: believe it or not there's fluff in here. very very cute scenes I have to say. but obviously encompassed by angst. a fluff sandwich with angsty bread if you will. and the butter is nico's continuous pining. luke being the ultimate girls girl, wise beyond his years god bless him, the rest of the boys being soft, Nico's family being endearing, and then here we go!!! mentions of vomiting and food aversion, mentions of pregnancy & early pregnancy symptoms, I want to say there's mentions of drowning I remember thinking of the imagery and I can't remember how detailed I went with it sorry! it isn't actual drowning just like a metaphor of sorts. mentions of the birth control patch if you've ever had it you KNOW that needs a full trigger warning whoever came up with that deserves jail it's hell it's horror!! and mentions of poor parental relationships.

Series Masterlist

Previous Part (Chapter Five)

A/N: potentially fun fact the last scene in this chapter is maybe the second thing I ever wrote for this fic!! like as a concept/idea it was one of the earliest scenes in my head and it's one of my faves!! I've been dying to get to this part to flesh it out and figure out how to build to it and I'm really happy with how it turned out!! writing for families of real people is such an odd concept but I really like the differences in their parents lmao it's fun to write and compare the dynamics obviously it goes without saying I do not know these people lmao

I know the last chapter broke a couple hearts so I'll leave you guys to crack on! as always, never proofread, and as always, would love to hear your thoughts and opinions!!! all the love in my heart to anyone who messaged me this last week on anon or not or private or whatever it may be I appreciate you so much yous have been so so kind to me and it means the world 💖

Nico

If anyone were to ever ask Nico what his favourite trait of Poppy’s is, he knows for a fact he would not be able to narrow it down. She’s a culmination of all things good, has been from the day he met her, and even the things he shouldn’t like about her, he loves.

He shouldn’t like that she’s sarcastic, quick-witted - scarily so - and sometimes says things before she has the chance to properly think about them or any problems they may cause her. He remembers his first couple of years in Jersey, when he was one of the more junior players on the team, still considered new to the country and the culture, and a lot of people had underestimated how familiar he was speaking English despite his years playing in Canada and growing up learning multiple languages. They would often default to explaining things like he wouldn’t understand, like common terms or jokes told amongst a group - and he, being too polite to correct them, had always ended up feeling like an idiot for it. 

There had been one instance prepping for a media day, where he had only met Poppy once a week or so before, and she had been prepping him to be on camera, clipping his mic pack and checking the settings. 

One of the other media staff, a guy called Liam who was in his second year where Poppy was in her first and had been the one she had to initially shadow, had cracked some misogynistic joke to her about how she was messing around with controls she didn’t understand just to be able to stand closer to Nico, as if he wasn’t right there or couldn’t hear him - and then when he had seen Nico’s furrowed brow and downturned lips, had assumed he didn’t understand the joke because he hadn’t laughed.

“It’s because she thinks you’re hot!” The guy had obnoxiously enunciated every word, capturing the attention of some of the more senior assistants in the room who had rolled their eyes just as hard as Nico had.

“He’s from Europe, Liam, not Jupiter. You don’t have to speak to him like he’s some alien.” Poppy had shook her head, caring so little about the fact that Liam had seniority over her, fitting the pack into Nico’s back pocket without him even feeling it, “He understands your slimy little jokes, he just doesn’t find you funny. Nobody does.”

Nico shouldn’t have liked her speaking on his behalf as much as he did, coming to his defence with her sharp tongue and cold glare, but no one had ever picked up on how uncomfortable that kind of thing made him before. The stupid jokes and the belittling tone Liam had used toward him. Poppy saw through both.

And all of her good is even better.

Poppy is positive. He has never seen her leave a room without having caused at least one smile or laugh. She’s someone he’s seen most of the guys perk up around, seek her out for help or even mundane conversation just to lighten the load, and he knows he’ll never be able to keep track of all the times he’s gone to her for a pick me up over the years.

She’s generous. Generous with her time when it comes to her friends, always making sure to maintain plans even when she’s at her busiest. When it comes to her work, staying late to help out a colleague or finish a project so it isn’t left to the last minute. With her knowledge and experience, always there for new members of staff or additions to the team to show them all her favourite spots in the area and get them up to speed with their role.

She is patient - waits around for him when he gets stuck doing media, or held behind to see the physio, and she never complains. She’ll never watch an episode of a show they start together without him, despite the fact his schedule doesn’t often allow for him to stay up late catching up, and she doesn’t moan when she gets spoiled if it’s something that comes out weekly and ends up being a hot topic in the office, doesn’t even spoil it for him out of spite. She even pauses the tv as soon as she notices he’s fallen asleep, and she’ll busy herself doing something else until she feels like he’s rested enough to drive home. 

And, above all, she’s forgiving. If someone were to push for an answer, and they were to have done so before this whole mess happened, he probably would have said that was his favourite thing. It’s like her superpower - to be able to understand things from a different perspective without judgement or a major confrontation. It’s like her default process is to give people grace and make things easy, even if they aren’t entirely deserving of that way out.

She had done so with Nico, that night up on the roof. He hadn’t deserved her leniency, not entirely. He had expected he would have to grovel and beg, and he had been more than willing to do so, but she had wanted to avoid further heartache for the both of them, and had decided to move on. 

And sure, she hadn’t technically forgiven him at that point for the way he had treated her, not properly, but she had put him on the path to redemption, and had made it clear what was expected to make it all the way there.

She’d gone easy on him, in spite of how much he had hurt her. She’d been patient with his reasoning, generous with her time, and had done so with an affectionate glint in her eyes that even now makes his heart warm to think about.

It’s the same glint she’d had when she’d come out of that elevator and had seen him by her door. He’d watched her take him in, eyes cast over him in a concerned assessment, and he knew then that no matter what he said, no matter how he explained what had led him to leave her that morning without a word, she would have forgiven him.

She would have found some way to rationalise what he had done, and put how it made her feel to the side in the name of moving on.

And he had seen his life flash before his eyes. 

Nights of coming home to her, muscles weak, brain fogged, and she’d give him that same look and accept what little he had to offer her. She’d be patient, she’d be forgiving. She wouldn’t get mad that he didn’t have time to take her on dates or trips, wouldn’t bite back when he got snappy after a couple of successive losses and let his frustrations come between them, would resign herself to those little parts of him she’d get to herself in the summer, when he wasn’t training or travelling or trying to fit everyone else in, and would swallow down the longing for something more because she loved him. 

And he couldn’t subject her to that, no matter how much she tried to fight him on it, or tried to call him out. 

No matter how much he wanted to be better for her, how much he wanted her to change his mind, the one quality he loved so much was going to be their demise, and so he had relied on it to cling on to the one thing he can give her.

Friendship.

Even if she won’t accept it for a while. Even if she wants to tell him to leave, and to ignore his texts, and his calls, and his efforts to bump into her at work, she has to forgive him. It’s who she is. 

She’ll forgive him and they can be friends.

Eventually.

And so with the weight of her bracelet in his pocket the whole walk home that night, Nico had decided that he could take a leaf out of Poppy’s book. 

He could be patient while she came to terms with what he had done. He could be generous with the space she needed. He could be positive and push down the bubbling doubt that she’ll forgive him at all.

—

Space happens to be the one thing Nico struggles with the most when it comes to Poppy. Especially conceptualised in the way that it has become - because he can’t physically give her space, they work in the same building. They share the same friends, they end up in the same rooms, and his resolve is as weak as ever where she is concerned, especially when she’s so close, so his generosity ends up being the trait that wains first.

He will give it to himself, he has been trying. He hasn’t been texting her as much as he wants to, understanding that bombarding her with begging and pleading is not only pathetic, but could also be considered harassment. And that will do him no favours in trying to earn back her favour.

But the other night he had been up on the roof after a long day, the air cold but the evening nice, and as he looked out across the Hudson, he had remembered how Poppy had once said her favourite time of the day, and her favourite thing about where she lives, was getting to see the sunset. 

On the early winter evenings, when she’d not long gotten home from work, she liked looking out her window and basking in what she had called cotton candy skies. Swirls of pinks and greyish purples behind the rows of skyscrapers on the other side of the river, all of which reflected the lowering sun in a glimmering, golden glow. He had taken a picture and sent it straight over with the thought that she might be missing it, and he just wanted to let her know. 

Even avoiding him, even wanting space, he was hoping she would at least appreciate that.

The sentiment attached to the picture had read, Just in case you don’t catch this yourself. And as he periodically checked his phone for the rest of the night, he had realised she had probably turned her read receipts off.

At least she hadn’t blocked him.

Nico had, however, started to get creative when it came to work.

Unable to stifle the need to check up on her, or to make sure something happened to brighten her day, he had taken to recruiting the rest of the guys to help.

He should have known how easy it would be, his first enlistment being Jack, who he knew would visit Poppy often, anyway. Only, now he did so with a drink in hand. Peach iced tea if his trip to her office was anytime after lunch, and a hot chai with oat milk if it was before. Nico had initially suggested snacks, but Jack had ended up eating them, himself, which turned out to be useful when it came to bribing him for information.

According to Jack, she was doing okay. Cracking jokes, rolling her eyes at the stupid nicknames he would come up with, and overall she seemed like her normal self. No signs of insurmountable heartache - not Jack’s words, but his own deduction.

He had been surprised at the lack of questions from him, but Jack knows when not to push something, so maybe he had decided to go easy on Nico for now.

Timo had been making sure she was breaking for lunch, checking in every few days so it wasn’t obvious.

John and Bass had taken to calling dumb jokes out to her every time they saw her in the halls, just to make her crack.

Curtis and Dougie had signed themselves up for the mentoring sessions she had been chasing them for since the season had started.

She had been fine with everyone - she smiled, she laughed, she joked, she engaged in conversation - and it was like nothing had happened.

Only, when Nico had felt brave enough to attempt even just eye contact, she wouldn’t even look at him.

No matter how many of the guys reported back that she was doing fine, he could see it every time he looked at her. 

He could see it even when he wasn’t looking at her - that teary, pleading frown she had given him as she had tried to take his hand, the resigned acceptance he had seen when she’d monotonously told him that they had made a mistake, assuming she was mirroring his own sentiments, the tremble in her lip as she had waited for him to leave with her head down at the door.

He thinks about it more often than is healthy, in situations where his focus should really be elsewhere.

Like in the gym, arms shaking as he attempts to lift more than he has in a while, and Jonas who is spotting him has to intervene before he ends up getting crushed.

Like in training, adrenaline pumping as his mind races all over the place, weaving around the defensemen and making sloppy attempts to swipe the puck until he finds himself on the weaker side of a nasty check by Luke that he can’t even argue was unwarranted.

Or in important debriefs in the small team auditorium, where one of their associate coaches, Travis, is going over team strategy before they travel to play the Canes, and he really should be absorbing all the information for such a crucial game - the potential to build on their current 2 game winning streak theirs for the taking - but all he can think about is the looming distance between him and Poppy.

They’re going down to Tampa after, and then head straight into the All Stars break. He isn’t going to see her for almost 2 weeks. Isn’t going to be able to send anyone to check up on her - not without rousing suspicion at least.

He thinks having Bratter knock on her door at home might ring alarm bells.

The distracted glance Nico casts towards the creaking door of the auditorium as it opens is instinctual and fleeting, but all his senses go into high alert when he sees who comes through it. 

The guys have been right, for the most part.

She does look okay.

She looks put together - probably more than he has looked the last two weeks without her, having barely shaved and punishing himself with a borderline dangerous lack of rest - her smart casual attire is neat and co-ordinated, a buttoned up red cardigan and long, dark trousers, her hair up in a ponytail that sways with her movement, and the only indicator that she has any sort of discomfort is the slight purse of her lips where he can tell she’s chewing at the corner.

Travis has become background noise - whatever he’s saying Nico is sure he can catch up on another time - and all he can focus on is the way she watches the coach with genuine interest.

Poppy is the kind of person that gives anyone the time of day - makes them feel like whatever it is they’re saying is the most important thing in the world, and he yearns for a day where her attentions are directed his way again. 

“And Poppy is here from the Youth Foundation,” Her name is one way to get his focus back, Nico’s eyes having not left her figure since she snuck in, leaning beside the door with a binder in hand. He follows as she descends the few stairs to the bottom and moves beside Travis, holding the binder to her chest as she smiles to the rest of the guys. “They have a favour to ask of anyone with some free time that you’re willing to give in your week off, she’s more likely to convince any of you than I am so I’ll just hand straight over.”

“Thank you, Mr Green,” she flicks the binder open, and Nico finds himself holding his breath in anticipation of her looking up and accidentally meeting his eyes, even for a second. “I know you guys are well overdue some time off, and we’d never usually ask so close to the fact, but we have a clinic out in Garfield on the 29th, we’ve donated a bunch of equipment and have some money to donate for the programme they have, and we were supposed to have Patrik Elias out to present it to the kids up there but he’s been held back in Czechia and won’t make it.”

Nico fights the urge to do something stupid like shoot up and volunteer straight away - if not for the fact that he’s supposed to be giving her space and shouldn’t force himself into her good graces, then for the fact his parents will be back in town by then, and he has plans throughout the week with them. Him looking desperate is the least of his concerns.

“If any of you are gonna be around, it would just be for the afternoon, a couple pictures and maybe some skating with the kids. There’s also one of those huge fancy cheques if you’re into showboating,” she tries to sell it, and earns a few affectionate snickers, but Nico knows these guys - while they’re generous people, and he loves them all, and knows they all love her, they’re exhausted, and have been waiting too long for a week of reprieve. 

He kicks at the shin of whoever happens to be sat closest to him. Holtzy. Perfect. He knows he was planning to stay in Jersey. It earns him a glare, but it captures his attention enough so that Nico can level him with a stern look back. 

“If anyone wants to do it, just swing by my office-,”

“I’ll do it,” Alex raises his hand after rolling his eyes and acquiescing to his captain, faking a smile Poppy’s way.

“Oh,” she doesn’t mask the surprise on her face, her lips parting in shock and eyes rounding in disbelief. She looks to Travis who just gives an approving nod in response. 

And, only because he snickers in amusement, Nico kicks Dawson, too. He hasn’t sent him Poppy’s way yet, he’s overdue his turn, and it’s his own fault for laughing at Holtzy’s misfortune. 

“Me too,” Dawson sighs, raising his hand as well and kicking back at Alex when he laughs in turn at him. 

“That was easier than I thought, thank you guys, the kids will be over the moon with the two of you!”

Nico wishes he was the recipient of the smile she gives the both of them. It’s the biggest smile he’s seen her wear in recent weeks, and he can see the light reflect in sparkles in her eyes from all the way across the room. 

That should hold him off for a bit - that little bit of warmth she gives. And sure, it isn’t directed his way, but he can settle with the fact that he’s technically the cause of it. Maybe when he’s down in Raleigh or Tampa he’ll see that smile instead of the other look etched into his recent memory.

“That’s all I’ve got, I’ll leave you guys to your meeting, thanks again!”

He watches her the whole way out, until the door swings closed behind her retreating figure, and his mind races with a surge of misplaced adrenaline for the rest of the debrief.

That’s most of the guys checked off his list, now.

Dawson and Alex are going to help her out with the hockey clinic, John and Nate have been making their way through the worlds worst dad jokes for the past two weeks to relay back to her, Jack is on drink duties, Timo on lunch, Curtis and Brendan are hopefully slowly thawing the ice with cute pictures of their kids. Jonas, Dougie, Haula, Dawsy, Pally - majority of the team have been recruited on his mission to keep her spirits up. Those who haven’t yet had a task are more than willing to play along.

All except one.

His attention drifts over to a mop of curly hair a few rows down, slumped in his seat with his arms crossed over his chest, and though he can’t see his face from where he’s sat, Nico imagines it bears the same angered frown it had when he’d checked him on the ice, earlier. 

Luke is pissed, even as distracted as Nico has been lately, that much is obvious, and he needs to get him on side if he has a chance of ever fixing things with Poppy.

He had underestimated their relationship, when he’d given it some thought, before. When they had been talking about Poppy that one time on the flight back from the Capitals game, and Luke had suggested she had deeper feelings than Nico had ever previously considered.

He had assumed because he’s never seen them together much, that they weren’t as close as Poppy and Jack seem to be, but he knows now he was wrong. 

Luke can be reserved to most, cast in the ever present shadow of his older brothers and held to unfair standards, but he is quietly observant, Nico has noticed, and he clearly sees more of Poppy than he lets on.

He knows Luke is protective over her, that he cares more than he’ll probably ever say.

He hadn’t overshared something she wouldn’t have been comfortable with when they’d had that initial conversation about him and Poppy pretending not to be into each other. He had told Nico to talk to her, had called him out on suppressing his feelings for her and pushed him to take action.

And when he had encountered Nico with Talia in the elevator back in their apartment building, he had been disappointed. 

Jack had been awkward, and evasive, but Luke had a clenched jaw and a purposely avoidant gaze. 

He thinks he gets it.

Luke had encouraged Nico to pursue Poppy, and in his pursuit, Nico had ended up hurting her.

As much as he definitely blames his captain, Luke also blames himself, and Nico of all people knows how frustrating that can be. 

When Travis calls time on the meeting, and the group disperse, Nico rushes down the steps as the boys flood out of the room and catches up to Luke with hastened steps.

“I need to talk to you,” Nico falls in line beside him, a hand clapped authoritatively on his upper back to guide him off his path and toward the locker rooms.

“Can it wait? I’m hungry,” Luke huffs, trying to resist the rerouting but falling victim to one of Nico’s infamous glares.

“Don’t make me pull rank,” he sighs as he yanks the heavy door open, his free hand gesturing for him to enter while the one on his back gives a light shove, “In.”

“Look, I’m sorry for the check earlier, it was a dick move, I didn’t mean it,” Luke starts as Nico follows him into the otherwise empty room, closing the door behind him and gesturing for Luke to take a seat.

“Come on, Luke, I’m not an idiot,” Nico scoffs, “You’re pissed at me. You have been since you saw me with Talia back in our building, but you’ve got the wrong idea,”

“Your personal life is none of my business,” Luke says like it’s something he’s been taught, something he’s rehearsed, and there isn’t a doubt in Nico’s mind that he and Poppy have been the topic of conversation in the Hughes household since the day he had run into them, maybe even before. Jack has been avoiding the topic like he’d never seen it happen, giving Nico a breather where he had initially thought he would call him out - but it’s becoming increasingly clear that Luke is the actual confrontational one of the two of them.

“If you have something to say to me, I’d rather you just come out with it than check me in a practice game, Hughes.” Nico sighs, leaning against the door to block Luke’s path out and staring him down until he relents. He has never thought he would be thankful for someone checking him before, especially not in a practice game, but the minor hit has given him the perfect opportunity to clear the air.

“Fine. I don’t like how you treated Poppy,” he says, plainly, “She’s supposed to be your friend, you don’t do that to someone you care about.”

“Carry on.” Nico thinks a part of him is urging Luke to argue because Poppy won’t, and he needs to have someone he can vent to - even if it’s someone who won’t side with him. He probably prefers it that way, ever the glutton for punishment.

“If you didn’t like her the same way, you shouldn’t have led her on, she deserves better than that.”

“I agree.”

“And she-,” his eyes narrow, “You agree?”

“I didn’t break things off because I don’t like her the same way, I did it because I do,”

“I hope you understand how stupid that sounds.” Luke rolls his eyes as he throws himself into his cubby, running a hand through his curls in frustration.

“I know it might not make sense, but I’m trying to do what’s right. She deserves someone who can give her one hundred percent of themselves, who isn’t away all the time and isn’t constantly stressed out of their mind or too tired to function.” He finds himself relaying Talia’s exact sentiments, and the memory of that particular conversation makes his stomach churn. 

“I care about her too much to end up being the guy who can’t make her happy. I know you of all people understand that to some extent, Luke.” It’s one of the few flaws of making it to the elite level of their sport - the lack of balance between their career and their personal entanglements. They’ve both spent their lives wanting nothing but to win and succeed, and it’s always going to be difficult to come to terms with, but the cold, hard truth is that they can’t have everything without paying the price for it. Something will have to give, and it would be an injustice for that something to be Poppy. “It wouldn’t be fair to her to start something that I can’t put my all into. So, I agree, she deserves better.”

“You know what else she deserves, Nico?” Luke stands from his point on the bench, the inch between them seeming more than it really is when he’s dishing out home truths like punches to the gut. “She deserves to make her own decisions. She deserves for you to be honest with her and not let your ego get in the way of what she might want.”

There it is again. Luke letting on that he knows something he doesn’t about Poppy. Unease spreads throughout his every nerve ending.

He’s always been the one who knows Poppy. Who understands her. Who gets how she thinks and grasps how she feels. 

Luke might think he does, but he doesn’t. Not like Nico.

Nico, who can’t quite fathom how he’s ended up being schooled on how to treat a woman by a 20 year old. By Luke. 

“It isn’t ego,” he mutters in denial, but it’s no use. Luke is scarily prompt to retort - especially when it comes to defending Poppy, Nico knows by now. It would be endearing if it didn’t frustrate him to no end.

“Really? ‘Cause it sounds to me like you’re so afraid to fail with her that you won’t even try.”

“I don’t want to hurt her.” He knows again that’s a pathetic excuse. Poppy had called him out on it, herself. But surely the hurt now is nothing in comparison to the hurt that could be. 

The hurt that comes with the demise of an actual relationship. Of building and building and building something, putting in years of tiresome efforts only for it to be demolished just as the final brick is laid. Of the ever-growing love between the two of them wilting into something sad and lifeless.

He can take the silent treatment. He can take the avoidance.

He won’t be able to handle that.

“How’s that going for you?” 

Luke isn’t trying to be mean, he knows that, but it doesn’t lessen the sharpness of his words - the truth digging into the most sensitive parts of Nico’s skin so deep that he feels like he’s bleeding out.

Nico sits down himself, no longer blocking the exit and allowing for Luke to leave of his own accord - only, the younger boy sits beside him, heaving out a prologued sigh and giving his captain a friendly pat on his leg. 

“Just give her time, she’ll come around, and then the two of you can talk. And when you do, you owe it to her to be open about what you both want. If you can promise me you won’t do anything else to hurt her, I’ll promise you to stop checking you in practice.”

“Sounds fair,” Nico agrees, mustering up a weak smile to give to the younger defensemen before Luke stands up. “Sorry for cornering you.”

“You’re fine, I was being an idiot.” Luke shrugs, making his way over to the door, and only because he clearly can’t help himself, he stops before leaving. “You see how easy that was to admit?”

Nico usually has better aim, and he blames Luke’s speedy departure for the way the pad he throws hits the wall with a soft whack.

Frustration is a feeling Nico doesn’t think he has ever been as familiar with as he has been lately. 

He’s frustrated as a player - the team unable to keep a winning streak to save their lives, having lost both of their games on the road last week and the mentality of the locker room dwindling with every week that passes that they don’t keep their momentum going.

Frustrated as a captain, specifically for the teammates they keep dropping to injury. Jack, Timo, Eric, Pally all dipping in and out with scratches, the roster dwindling with every passing game.

Frustrated as a friend, guilt building every time he thinks about Jack becoming more reserved in the days leading up to the All Star break, his shoulder putting him out of contention to play and the team having to send Jesper as their representative in his place. 

And, it goes without saying, frustrated when it comes to Poppy - who he had hoped would be in attendance when he had elected himself to take Jesper’s place at the signing and Q&A session he had scheduled at the end of the week. When he had come all the way out to the Rock and sought her out in the Foundation offices after volunteering, he had found out she had been off sick since that day in the auditorium, so his frustrations had crescendoed to an all time high. 

Even his parents being back in town hasn’t helped - his mother more observant than he likes to think, and she has been pecking away at any attempts of a cool exterior with more questions than he thinks he’s going to be on the receiving end of at this Q&A.

Nico has never been one to complain about any kind of community event, but the thought of having to spend all day plastering on a fake smile and pretending he isn’t at his boiling point is proving to be difficult.

So, when Jessica, the media admin who had been debriefing him on what was going to be posted on the team socials, had finally finished and had left to liaise with one of her colleagues, he had sent his mother, Katja, away to grab him a drink before the signing started. 

He just needs a moment of quiet. Where he can self-level the anxiety that is currently crushing him like a bug, take some deep breaths, and mentally prepare for the overwhelming social interactions he is about to endure. 

He wishes Poppy could be there.

He had tried texting her, just to check on her, but again, she hadn’t replied, and the thoughts have been swirling into something ugly within him the longer he has gone not knowing where or how she is.

Is she actually even sick, or is this just another attempt to stay out of his way?

The breathing clearly isn’t working, he thinks. Maybe walking might help.

Or maybe walking straight into the front of the girl who is the cause of all his frustrations might help.

As soon as he sees her, he feels guilt prick at his nerves like continuous, thick needles pushing into the flesh.

When he thinks back on the weeks before, he doesn’t entirely know if he had wanted her to look worse for wear, but as he takes her in now, he realises he hadn’t.

This is the furthest thing from what he had wanted for her.

Poppy stands before him a paler version of herself - eyes sunken, lips chapped, a slight sheen to her forehead that has caused the baby hairs around there to curl up and stick to her skin. 

Her boss Elaine had said she was sick and he had selfishly spiralled into the assumption it was just another attempt to avoid any contact him, but now his chest feels heavy with a mixture of shame and worry.

She takes a moment too long to gather herself after their initial collision, and his words feel heavy in his mouth as he asks, “Are you okay?”

“What are you doing here?” Her voice is hoarse, and the way she blinks up at him is slow and fatigued. 

“What are you doing here? You don’t look like you should be working.”

“I’m fine.” She definitely doesn’t sound fine. “Where’s Jesper?

“Bratter went to Toronto to take Jack’s place in the All Stars, they didn’t tell you?” It hadn’t been a last minute decision, so he isn’t sure how she wouldn’t know already.

“Oh,” she frowns, and if he wasn’t so worried, he’d find it cute how she looks like she’s trying to recall a memory where that information had been relayed to her. “Yeah, I think they did. They didn’t tell me who’s replacing him, though.”

“That would be me.” He doesn’t point out that it should be obvious.

“That seems like overkill.” There’s a hint of familiarity that he feels at the quip, and Nico doesn’t know if she’s trying to crack a joke or trying to be rude - he doesn’t care, either way. When he notices her squinting against the light, he subtly shifts until she’s no longer facing it directly.

“I volunteered.” He admits, and he watches as realisation sinks in. He volunteered just to be near her, and if she calls him out on it, he’s in no fit state to deny it. Of course he did, she has barely spoken to him in almost 4 weeks, and if he’s being honest with himself, he’s losing his mind a little. “I was hoping we could talk after,”

“Nico,” she sighs, touching her palm to her temple and seemingly applying pressure, pinching her eyes shut as she tries to breathe through a wave of what looks like disorientation, “I really can’t deal with this today,”

“I miss you, Poppy,” he hums, and he knows it’s an asshole move, to take advantage of the current situation, of her being sick and having lowered her defences, but he knows he’ll regret it if he doesn’t take the opportunity to touch her. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, strokes a thumb softly at her cheek, and tries not to think too much about the way she seems to lean into it. “I’m worried about you.”

“You’re supposed to be giving me space.” She sounds defeated, and there’s a selfish part of him that hopes she is - that she is relenting to his advances and giving in - but he knows Poppy too well to assume it’s going to be that easy.

He doesn’t even like to think about how much he has hurt her. When images of that evening flash through his memory - when he closes his eyes and sees her teary ones looking back at him, can hear how she’d fought for him to listen, to figure things out together - his chest aches in a way he doesn’t think it has before. It’s relentless, and excruciating, and he hasn’t yet found a coping mechanism that gets rid of it.

Except for seeing her. When he sees her, it lessens. When he hears her laugh from around a corner, or spots her in the halls at The Rock, talking with her co-workers or perusing one of the vending machines, he can pretend he’s okay. He can pretend that they’re just not talking because they’re both busy - not because he monumentally messed everything up with her.

And now, talking directly to her, touching her, seeing her up close - despite the difference in her usually bright complexion - he can convince himself of the same. Things are okay. They’re okay.

“I also said I still wanted to be friends.” He tries, his hand still cupping the side of her face before she shakes him off.

“Except that we’re only friends when it suits you.” She accuses with a frown, a little energy seeming to flood back into her system. “And when it doesn’t, you just toss me off to the side like I mean nothing to you.”

“That’s not true, I-,”

“I really don’t feel well enough to be having this conversation right now.”

“Then when? Every time I see you, you can’t get away fast enough. We work together, we have to see each other, you can’t avoid me forever.” He knows he doesn’t deserve to rush her. He knows he has no right to be making any kind of demands, and that the situation they’re in is entirely his doing, but he can’t help himself.

He’s frustrated.

He���s desperate. 

He had thought he could give her the patience she deserves - the space she needs - but it has been proving immensely difficult, and he just wants her back.

In whatever capacity she’s willing to offer, he’ll take it - as long as her eyes meet his for longer than a second at a time and he gets to be on the receiving end of one of her heart-stopping smiles, he’ll take it.

Even if they can’t be what they were. If the texts cease, the dinners together stop, the drives home from the Rock aren’t on the table anymore - he just wants to know there’s still love between them. That when she looks at him she doesn’t only feel the crippling hurt he fears he has caused her.

“You had no problem shutting me out the last time,” she scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest and scowling up at him, “It should be like second nature for you to ignore me again.”

“That isn’t fair, it’s not the same-,”

“Poppy!” 

Nico has always loved the way his mother is enamoured by Poppy.

The first time they had met, she’d been besotted with her. It had been during Poppy’s first year with the team - his parents had come out quite late in the season, late enough that he hadn’t seen them in a while since the summer, and he was anticipating their arrival with child-like excitement. 

Their flight into Newark had been delayed, and with them coming out on a game day, he was shut in the locker room by the time they had arrived, and he had asked Poppy for his biggest favour yet in the course of their friendship.

She had agreed to it no questions asked, no favour held over him in return, and she had pretty much hosted the two of them from their arrival at the Prudential Center to when the arena had emptied.

When Nico had reunited with his parents in the family lounge, Poppy had still been with them, waiting until she saw them off into their son’s company before leaving them alone, and he had never been more grateful to someone in his life.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” he had apologised as he embraced his father, a firm clap coming down on his back as his arms wrapped around him, and he had smiled at Poppy over his shoulder. “Did you guys enjoy the game?”

“Of course we did, we had the best company in all of New Jersey,” his mother had her own arm around his best friend, Poppy’s cheeks flushing as she smiled bashfully back at him. 

Nico had kissed his mom on the cheek and had given her a side hug with the arm not around Poppy before he moved his attention to his friend.

“Thank you for looking after them,” he beamed at her, wrapping his arms around her once his mother had released and giving her a little squeeze. “I owe you,”

“That’s alright. Your dad got a little rowdy in the second period, but other than that they weren’t too much trouble,” Poppy had shrugged, a mischievous smirk cast toward his father who gave a humoured scoff in return.

“You were yelling louder than me, Poppy,” he remarked, his accent thick and his tone fond. “Katja tell him.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Nico chuckled, shaking his head toward his mom as she opened her mouth ready to pick a side, “I believe him, she gets creative when it comes to calling out the refs, I’ve heard it before.”

“Sorry for being passionate about my team,” she had pouted, “I’ll just sit in silence while you all get high-sticked to holy heaven next time.”

Nico had felt warmth wash all over him when he heard his dad’s loud cackle of a laugh - the kind he gave over family game nights when Nina outsmarted both her brothers, and they would turn to their father for some kind of defence, the kind of laughter filled with familiarity and affection - and had seen his mother’s crinkling eyes and dimpled smile.

“Do you need a ride home?” He had asked, swallowing down the attraction that was spiralling within him before it was too obvious to ignore. They had rode in together that morning, and he would usually drive her home if that was the case, but he had also promised his parents he would treat them to a nice meal after their long flight in.

“I’m alright, I can hitch a ride with one of the other boys,” Poppy declined, “You guys enjoy your dinner, it was really nice to meet you.”

“Nonsense,” Katja had exclaimed, a hand on Poppy’s arm as she moved to hug her goodbye, “Come with us, Nico can drop you home after,”

“We’ve been dying to hear someone tell us all of Nico’s secrets about his life over here.” Rino had joined in, egging Poppy on until she couldn’t say no.

When she had looked over to Nico, he hadn’t realised she was silently asking for his permission, too busy looking at her with a dopey grin on his face before he pulled himself together enough to nod his approval.

“Okay, yeah, thank you,” Poppy had agreed, “I just have to grab my bag from the office, I could meet you at your car in five minutes?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you in five.”

Nico had watched her go off as his mother looped her arm through his, leaning into him and watching Poppy until she disappeared through the far doors. 

“I like her,” Katja had a big, complimentary grin on her face when Nico looked down a little at her - and despite slipping into their native tongue, Nico had thought it would be obvious to anyone listening in what they were talking about just from the look on his mother’s face.

“Yeah, she’s great,” He had concurred, shaking her off his arm so that he could wrap it around her shoulders as they walked, and in a true show of his denial at the time, he had added, “A really good friend.”

He still remembers the sound of his mother’s knowing hum, that interaction between the four of them a catalyst for the feelings he had for the longest time suppressed.

Weeks ago, Poppy had asked him the last time he had wanted to kiss her. He’d told her about a night in a bar after the team had crashed out of the playoffs last year. A night where, in all the anguish and misery and regret, she had made him feel like he could breathe again. It was the last time he had felt overwhelmed by the urge to take the leap into something more with her.

The first time had been that night with his parents, when he’d dropped her back at her apartment after an evening of them oversharing embarrassing childhood anecdotes and Poppy sharing her own stories - ones she had of her favourite memories with Nico, and even ones without, letting his mom and dad into the strongroom that was her life before she met their son. 

Looking back, he thinks that night truly would have been a catalyst for his blossoming affections if he didn’t feel the watchful gaze of his parents waiting in his car while he made sure Poppy got inside safe.

He would have kissed her, he knows it.

Instead, he had returned to the driver’s seat and tried to ignore the smug grin his mother kept sending through the rearview mirror from her place in the back seat the whole journey to their hotel.

In the years since, her affections for Poppy have only grown, and so he should have expected that she would get excited the second she saw her - he only wishes her timing was better.

“Hi, Mrs Hischier” Poppy smiles despite her discomfort, the apples of her cheeks rounding and endearment sparkling in her previously dull eyes. The energy she gives to his mother is a stark contrast to that she had just been giving to Nico. “It’s so nice to see you!”

“It’s Katja, sweet girl, it’s clearly been too long since we have spoken!” His mother’s arms wrap around her, and he watches as Poppy’s body seems to melt at the touch, tense muscles relaxing and hand rubbing at her back. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look too good, are you feeling okay?”

She presses the back of her hand to Poppy’s clammy forehead as Nico remembers her doing so often to him as a child, gauging her temperature and casting a concerned glance over her from head to toe. 

“I’m alright, I’ve just been off sick the past week, I still probably look a little like a zombie,” Poppy chuckles, dismissively, still maintaining an eyre of warmth in the way she looks at his mother.

“Not at all, as pretty as ever, isn’t she, Nico?” His mom nudges him as if he needs any prompting to compliment her.

“Yeah,” he agrees without hesitation, and he starts to feel palpitations when her eyes glance quickly over to meet his before darting away.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Poppy huffs, and he doesn’t entirely know who she meant that for. “Did you and Rino enjoy your trip to Canada?”

Nico doesn’t know why he finds himself surprised by the way Poppy effortlessly recollects the information - a throwaway comment he had made to her in the back of that bar all those weeks ago of his parent’s whereabouts. Poppy remembers because she cares. She has always cared. Always listened to what he has to say, even if he thinks it’s irrelevant, and has always shown interest. 

He finds himself watching her as she catches up with his mother, giving tired smiles but engaging nonetheless, the conversation flowing between the two of them just as effortlessly as it had on the day they had met - where they had conversed over dinner like they had known each other for years, and Nico had blushed every time he met his mother’s eyes from across the table.

He remembers his birthday dinner with his family at the beginning of the month, where he had sat in mostly-silence and wished for her company, and he starts to wonder if it’s always going to be like that, from now on. 

If he’s always going to be longing for her. If he’s always going to feel like something’s missing if she isn’t around.

“I should go,” he hears her say, “I have to check some of the questions with the moderator and they’ll be opening the doors for the signing, soon.”

“Of course, don’t let me keep you,” his mom presses a comforting hand to Poppy’s arm, thumb rubbing in a soothing gesture before they part with goodbyes and a promise to catch up, properly, at some point. 

Nico doesn’t miss the way she hadn’t given him the same courtesy. And neither does his mother.

Her eyes narrow in his direction, and just as her lips part to no doubt call him out, a figure comes up beside them,

“They’re ready to start the signing if you are, Nico.” Jessica’s unusually perky voice rings out beside him, and he’s never been more thankful for an interruption in his life.

He hasn’t seen that disappointed glint in his mother’s eyes since he’d told her he was bringing a girlfriend home to meet her at the end of last summer, and had shown up to the house with Talia in tow.

Poppy

As backwards as it might seem to some people, the only part of Poppy’s life where she is able to seek complete solace in recent years has always been in her work.

When she had first gotten her job within the organisation - a co-op internship that covered her final year of college - she had been almost overwhelmed with pride for the first time in her life. She had always been a good student, had got into college of her own merit and hadn’t used family connections like she suspected her brother had done, and she had worked her butt off to prep for the application and interview.

And when she’d gotten the call to tell her they wanted her on the team, she had been over the moon.

She’d gotten along so well with the people she had met in the team so far, had loved their ethos and the environment at the Rock, and she couldn’t wait to build something great for herself when she got started.

She had immediately called home after accepting the position, buzzing with excitement to tell her father that she of all the alleged thousands of applicants had been accepted to work on the media programme for the New Jersey Devils, a respected establishment in one of the biggest sporting leagues in the country. She had expected he would be proud of her, too, but he had ended up heaving out a disappointed sigh, and she could hear him fold up his paper in the background before he had asked, “Hockey, Poppy? Really? What kind of success do you expect to find in such a barbaric environment?”

As much as his disapproval had hurt at that time, she credits her father’s aloofness with her happiness in her role to this day.

It turns out, she can find a lot of success in a barbaric environment if she puts enough of her heart into it.

Even back in her media days, acting as a lackey for some of the more senior guys and trudging through those first few months of hazing, she had loved her job. 

Sharing insights into the team and the sport, determined to break any stigma associated with the guys who played it and all while highlighting the way it brought pride and community to her home state, she left the building every day with a pep in her step and a giant grin on her face.

And it only got bigger when she was recruited onto the Youth Foundation team. The projects she has worked on, the people she has met, the incredible things they have all achieved together - she doesn’t think she could have gotten any luckier with her career - despite what her judgemental, uppity parents think of it.

So, when things get hard elsewhere - when she spends a little too much time with her family and goes a little stir crazy, or when she gets her heart broken by the one guy she had trusted to handle it with care, and ends up fixating on the possibility of him rekindling things with a woman he had told Poppy didn’t make him happy - she resorts to her factory settings of knuckling down and putting her work first.

Which is how, in the weeks since Nico had left her apartment that horrific night, she has attached her name to every project she can pick up. She has accepted every meeting, answered every call, returned every email, all with a smile she had felt like she was forcing at first, but has started to feel real as time has gone one.

And she thinks it’s working.

She doesn’t dread coming into the Arena - doesn’t pace the length of her office to prepare herself every time she needs to leave it, doesn’t hold her breath as she turns the corners in anticipation of seeing him, doesn’t wince every time someone knocks on her door until they pop their head in and reveal themselves.

Poppy has well and truly immersed herself in her work, and she can’t even feel the rattling of the shattered pieces of her heart anymore.

She’s too consumed with other stuff. With hockey clinics, planning fundraisers, local rink openings, development programmes, the Sweep The Deck gala, mentoring sessions, preparations for the Stadium Series in the next month. 

She should be exhausted. 

If she actually gives herself the brain power to think about anything other than work for a second, she probably would be - but she’s turned into a hammerhead shark of sorts, and she knows she’ll suffocate in all the other feelings if she stops swimming. 

If she gives even a second of her time to the constant urge to think about Nico, she’ll drown in him. In the hurt and the ache she feels when he’s even in the same room.

She has taken to pretending he isn’t there. To looking at others, immersing herself too deep in conversations that he won’t dare to interrupt, and she is actually satisfied with how she’s managed to hold herself together when it comes to the rest of the guys.

When the season had started last year, and Poppy had been avoiding Nico for the other reason over the course of those months, she had pretty much locked herself in her office during work hours, and had stayed home outside of them. She didn’t go to games, didn’t go to team events that she wasn’t working, didn’t attend birthdays or dinners or celebration trips to whatever bar could accommodate the whole team for the night. She had stopped engaging as much with the other guys - Jack had even taken to calling her a recluse if she remembers correctly - and she’s determined not to let this mess get in the way of the great relationships she has with the rest of the team. 

If not for the fact that it would be petulant for her to take out her frustrations regarding their captain with them, then for the fact that she needs the companionship.

She needs it so much that she doesn’t run from it, or even pretend like she doesn’t like their company. 

Weeks ago, if she had been coming up from the parking level with Nate Bastian, and he had tried to crack the joke, “Hey, Poppy, why are elevator jokes the best kind? Because they work on many levels,” she honestly would have scoffed and called him lame. But she had felt her lips twitching earlier in the day, and had let him boast about how he had made her smile as they walked together through the building to anyone they passed without even denying it.

The guys have been doing more for her mentality than she can ever thank them for - holding her up while her every instinct is telling her to crumble - and she couldn’t be more grateful to be a part of such a great team.

The Hughes brothers, especially. Luke, who texts her his every rambling thought sandwiched between memes and links to Tiktoks about giraffes, because he knows they make her smile. And Jack, who, despite being out of play with his shoulder, still, checks in with her every day he comes in, a drink in hand when she needs a pick me up the most, and an ever growing list of ridiculous names to call her. 

His continued visits have made her grow less weary of the knocks at her door, and so when one echoes through the room as she’s replying to some emails, she doesn’t feel the stutter of her heartbeat like she would have done last week.

“Hey, Pop,” he pokes his head into her office, fingers flexed around the door jamb as he edges his way in, empty handed, this time, but Poppy can’t hold it against him. Her day is almost finished, after all.

“What, no stupid nickname today? Did I upset you or something?” She pauses typing as she looks up at him, watching him close the door behind himself as he takes her lighthearted tone as an invitation inside.

“I did have a joke lined up about Snap and Crackle, but you’ve ruined it now actually,” he rolls his eyes playfully, throwing himself down in the chair opposite hers and flicking affectionately at his bobblehead. 

“Sorry,” Poppy gives a quick, bashful smile before going back to her work, tapping away at her noisy keyboard as she works her way through her inbox, “What’s up?”

“Was wondering if you’d seen Luke?”

“Not today, he doesn’t usually make a habit of coming down here though. Did he say he was gonna stop by?”

“Not exactly.” Jack frowns, a slight shrug of his better shoulder.

Poppy casts a confused glance his way, eyes narrowing as she watches him fidget in the seat. “Do you guys think the y chromosome is meant to get you out of ever giving a straight answer to something? What do you mean, not exactly?”

“Well, Dawsy said he’d seen him with Nico, and lately that means,” he looks as if he’s weighing up what to say in his head, and Poppy wishes the lower part of her desk didn’t block her legs from his so she could give him a quick kick to the shin, “Well, people usually come straight here after Nico pulls them to talk.”

She sighs.

She had figured as much, but the confirmation of it doesn’t make her heart ache any less.

She’d had her first suspicions when Smitty had shown her every picture she thinks he’s ever taken of his kids the other day. He’d sat beside her in the lounge while the team and staff had been waiting for some sort of safety meeting - one she hadn’t even got to focus much on because he had talked her ear off for almost an hour until he was finally pulled away for some other responsibilities. 

And then Jonas had come by her office - something he had literally never done before. He had found Poppy working on a project, brainstorming with post-its on her cleared floor, and had waited around until she had finished - chipping in little ideas here and there for a presentation on the Learn To Play programme and using his 6’2 stature to take an aerial photo of all her sticky notes that Poppy never would have been able to get right, enabling her to clean them away and tidy up after herself before she finished for that day. It wasn’t that she minded his company, he’d actually been a massive help, but she had this nagging feeling that he would never come see her of his own volition.

Then there was Holtzy and Dawson volunteering for the hockey clinic in the debrief earlier like they were being held at gunpoint and forced into labour.

Nico has put them all up to it.

Even when he’s giving her space, he can’t leave her be.

“So what you’re saying is he’s abusing his position of power to get you all to come talk to me,”

“I don’t know if I’d phrase it like that,” Jack scratches awkwardly at the back of his neck, and she only feels a slight pinch of guilt. She knows he had a habit of coming to see her before all of this, but his visits have definitely increased over the past few weeks - so, he isn’t entirely innocent, either. “Maybe he misses you?”

“Maybe he should have thought about that,” she mutters, leaning onto her desk and pressing her palms into her closed eyes to relieve the headache that’s starting to build. 

Distracting herself with work had been going so well.

“You know we can’t talk about this, Jack,” she sighs, “He’s your captain, it’s not fair of me to vent about our situation to you of all people.”

“Ouch,”

“You know what I mean. If it was anybody else, I’d come to you for advice, but you guys are a team, I’m just-,”

“Don’t finish that sentence, Poppy,” Jack rebukes, sitting up straight in his chair and levelling her with a stern look, “You’re our friend. Even if Nico is asking the others to check up on you, they wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care about you. None of us want a repeat of the start of the season, okay, we just want to know you’re alright.”

“I appreciate you saying that,” Poppy gives a weak smile, the kind that doesn’t quite meet her eyes, “I just don’t want anybody taking sides, I know Luke’s been off with him about the whole thing,”

“That’s probably where he is now,” Jack realises, “He did get a little rough in practice before.”

“Yeah, I heard,” she says, knowing Luke and Nico had a collision earlier that had been the talk of the office all morning. “Look, I love you guys for it, but I don’t need babysitters. I just wanna move on. And you can tell Nico that, the next time he tries to force you out here with.another iced beverage just to keep me company or whatever.”

“Well, they go on the road tomorrow, so you should get some peace and quiet around here.” Jack still seems solemn at the thought of the team travelling anywhere without him, but she has tried one too many times to talk to him about it and, every time, he has shut her down. He’ll talk about it when he’s ready, and if she’s making a point of not wanting to be pushed on a subject, she isn’t going to do the same to him, even if her instincts are telling her to wrap the guy up in a bear hug and tell him everything will be okay. “I’ll leave you to your work, anyway, I’ll be around until the weekend if you need me, Pop. I promise I would be bringing you drinks even if he wasn’t asking me to.”

He pushes himself up from the seat with his good side before retreating back towards the door, and Poppy can’t let him go without at least attempting to cheer him up. He never usually leaves this quick, always finds some reason to hover and affectionately irritate her just a little - but she can tell he’s done figuring out reasons to linger around the arena for the day.

“I would have laughed, by the way,” she calls out to him, causing him to pause half way out and look back, a questioning brow arched her way. “Snap, Crackle and Pop would have been a good one, it’s funny.”

“They’re all funny, Poppy.”

She really is losing her mind.

As if the universe is playing some gigantic, cruel joke on her, Poppy’s promised peace and quiet while the team have gone on the road has turned into her shut in her apartment with every single curtain drawn, wrapped up under a mountain of covers to combat the shivers, and a leg poking out of them to alleviate the hot flushes - all while battling the most crippling waves of nausea she has ever experienced in all of her adult life.

She had gone home from work on Wednesday and had invited Nia around, hoping her best friend’s anger around the Nico situation had dwindled enough that she wasn’t going to harp on about it all night, and they could enjoy some movies and dirty takeout like they were back in college without Poppy having to even think about anything else.

Uptown Girls had been playing on the TV, empty containers of Korean Hot Pot had littered her coffee table, and Nia had fallen asleep sprawled out across the couch when Poppy had first started to feel off.

She had been watching Brittany Murphy and Dakota Fanning swirling around in the teacup ride, and had started to feel like her own living room was spinning.

She had barely made it to her bathroom before she was puking her guts up, waking Nia in the process who had spent the next hour holding her hair back before she tucked her into bed.

Poppy had called in to work the next morning. She had missed even watching the game against Carolina, could barely remember a solid half an hour of consciousness between that Wednesday night and Saturday morning.

All she remembers is vomiting, Nia checking in after work, bringing an abundance of electrolyte drinks and trying to get her to eat before she had to leave again She recalls burning bagels she had forgot she had left in the toaster, vomiting again at the smell of the burned bagels, and having a series of the most absurdly vivid dreams she’s ever experienced in her life. 

All of which had one common theme.

Nico.

Dreams where she’s swimming in a large, unidentifiable body of water. It’s cold, and she is exhausted, and her limbs ache from treading water and trying to stay afloat. It’s mostly dark, sometimes lit by the moon, the reflection of which shimmers in her path to something in the distance. And she’s stretching, reaching out, desperately kicking her legs to get to whatever it is until she realises it’s him, and he’s swimming away, making it a thousand times harder on her.

Dreams of her stood at the door of her apartment, the repeated knock on the other side echoing on and on as she scrambles to look for the keys to unlock it. It’s a pattern she thinks she recognises, a rhythmic knock that only he has used before, but she can’t get the door open with all her might, and her keys are nowhere to be seen. 

Dreams of their fated night together, only this time it’s like she’s on the outside looking in, watches the two of them in the throes of passion, only when she takes a proper look, he isn’t into it like she is. Or there’s another version where she isn’t herself at all. She has much lighter hair, and mutters out profanities in German as Nico presses sweet kisses into her lips and cradles her face lovingly. She’s Talia, and he looks as happy as ever when she is.

Despite the almost 3 days of round the clock sleep, she has never felt so exhausted in her life.

When the nausea fades ever so slightly, and she gets enough strength in herself to get up - to eat, to drink, to function like a normal human being, she feels sluggish and weak, and like she hasn’t had a moment’s rest in months.

Nia had been checking in, surprisingly not sick herself even though Poppy assumes her bug came from the takeout they shared - but Nia is vegetarian, so she had thought that might have explained it. She had been making sure Poppy remained hydrated, and continued to eat despite the continuous waves of nausea that kept coming back. She had done her grocery shopping, stocking her refrigerator with a bunch of different juices and smoothies, and buying her a bunch of fresh fruit, some bread, some yoghurts, pasta, crackers, plain chips, all the things that would hopefully keep her energy up and her nausea down.

And it had taken her a week to recover to a point that she felt like she could work again. She probably shouldn’t have forced herself back when she wasn’t feeling, or looking, 100%, but she had become so used to using her job as a coping mechanism, that regaining the slightest bit of her energy had her spiralling a little mentally, and she couldn’t take being at home any longer.

She had known that Jesper had his Q&A event, and had to stop by the Rock to pick up some of her files before making her way over - but that trip had proved to be more trouble than it was worth, and she had ended up getting herself all mixed up when she had returned to her office and had ended up dry heaving in the bathrooms when she caught a mix of smells walking through the hallway on her way in.

She had wanted to get some prep work done - approve the questions, meet with the photographers, catch up with Jess from Media, but she had ended up hurled over the toilet bowl for a good hour until she felt somewhat better, and was in so much of a rush to get over to the event that all she had managed to do to pull herself together was throw her hair up and hope that chomping on a breath mint wouldn’t trigger her senses all over again. 

She felt like she was fresh out of The Walking Dead.

She had to get an Uber over, had sat with her head out of the window like some kind of dog to alleviate the sweat that had broken out from her rushing around, and by the time she made it - she was so out of sorts she barely could remember why she was there.

And then she had bumped into Nico.

And she hates that she had felt a little better.

She hates that she found comfort in the fresh smell of his cologne, or the soft touch of his hand to her skin. She hates that the sound of his voice had quelled the rapid thumping of her heartbeat, and that it felt so good just to be in his presence, she had almost forgotten how much she had been hurt. How much he had hurt her.

She hates how she had felt obliged to pretend everything was okay in front of his mother, the sweetest woman on planet Earth embracing her like she was her own daughter, wrapping her up in a shroud of worry and sheer maternal instinct.

And she hates how all of those feelings have lingered throughout the afternoon. As she had watched him engage with his fans during his signing, big dimpled smiles sent to tiny children drowning in jerseys way too big for their small frames, and all adorning his number on the back. As she had watched Katja as the event unfolded, eyes sparkling with pride for her son and everything he has accomplished. As she’s stood and watched him answer questions she knows the answers to like she knows her own favourite food.

Where is your dream vacation destination?

He wants to visit Costa Rica.

What is your favourite sport outside of hockey?

He loves Tennis, loves Roger Federer, a real idol for him as a kid growing up in Switzerland, but also loves soccer, which he always says with an uncomfortable twist to his lips, because his father used to play.

What does he miss the most about home?

His family. His siblings. She probably knows more about Nina and Luca than she knows about Oliver, at this point.

“What’s your favourite thing to do in Jersey when you’re not playing hockey?”

“Uhh,” Poppy watches as Nico rolls his shoulders, his face pensive as he ponders the question, “It depends when we get time off. If the weathers nice, Jersey has some nice beaches, sometimes we go in a group and hang out,” he answers, and just before he carries on, his eyes flicker over to Poppy, meeting hers and holding her gaze until she looks away. “But if it’s when we’re playing I try to spend any downtime with friends. I have some really great friends here and I think that helps me destress a little, just being around them, going out for food and drinks and stuff. Some of my favourite people I have met while I’ve been living here.”

Poppy doesn’t dare look back up, her pulse throbbing in her temples.

“Well that’s a perfect segue into the next question, who’s your best friend on the team?”

She doesn’t stick around to listen to him skirt around that answer, pushing herself discretely through the doors back into the room that the signing had taken place in and busying herself packing up what she can without any help. 

She needs to carry on working, needs to stop thinking, needs to stop feeling so many things. Needs to be somewhere else, where she can’t look at him, can’t admire the way the deep brown of his irises shine when he smiles, or how one of his eyebrows does that cute little hop when he speaks for a little too long, or how she thinks she can still feel his hand on her face even though it’s been at least a good couple of hours since they had spoken by now.

She doesn’t realise how quick she’s moving around until the room starts to spin, and she stumbles a little into a table before steadying herself on one of the chairs.

“Hey, Poppy, are you alright?” The words are spoken in an accent she’s always found comforting, only the voice is different. Softer. Feminine.

She looks up to see Nico’s mom moving closer, concern causing her eyes to go round and her brows to furrow, and the soft, gentle touch of her hand to Poppy’s arm has her stuttering in her response.

“Y-yeah,” she breathes, “Just got a little dizzy.”

“Are you sure, do you need to sit down?”

“I’m okay, honestly,” she smiles, despite the way Katja’s warm, caring eyes mirror those of her son and make Poppy’s chest ache just a little. “I haven’t really eaten much today, I just got a little lightheaded, I’ll be fine once we’re done here and I can go home and eat.”

“Here,” Katja reaches into her purse, digging around before she pulls out some sort of granola bar, “I got this for a snack on my flight and didn’t eat it, you can have it to keep you going.”

Poppy can hardly decline the motherly gesture, and takes the snack with a thank you before unwrapping it and taking a cautious bite. She probably isn’t doing herself any favours, the nausea creeping up when she chews on a bit of dried fruit, and the unexpected flavour immediately triggers her stomach. She’s been sticking to crackers and dry toast, and hasn’t really eaten anything sweet in a week - the combination of the fruit and the syrupy coating making her feel so uneasy she has to sit down. 

“You’re still sick?” Katja sits beside her, watching over her in the way only a loving mother could, concern etched upon her beautiful features and a tilted head examining Poppy from head to toe. 

“I usually shift bugs a lot quicker than this, but I think the not being able to eat and the exhaustion is making everything worse.”

“You aren’t sleeping, either?”

“Technically I might be sleeping too much.” Poppy takes another bite, trying to put her mind over the matter, knowing that it should actually make her feel well enough to get through the rest of the event to have something in her belly. “But I keep having these crazy dreams, and they’re so vivid that I don’t feel rested at all when I wake up, even if I got enough hours in. Then I just feel anxious and it makes me more tired.”

Katja nods understandingly, a knowing smile plucking at her lips until her cheeks dimple, just like Nico’s do. “How many weeks?”

“Have I been sick?” Poppy asks, too busy trying to ignore the sickly sweet flavour on her tongue to notice the woman sat beside her shaking her head, “Just last week. I think it was bad takeout or something, combined with work stress probably-,”

“How many weeks are you into your pregnancy, Poppy?” She chuckles, a gentle hand placed on Poppy’s lap. “You don’t have to pretend to me.”

“My-,” Poppy covers her mouth as she swallows a hardly-chewed bit of granola, “I’m not-,” she struggles a little with her words, cringing at the way she can feel it going down her throat, and clears it with an awkward cough when she can, “Pregnancy?”

“Oh Goodness, I’m sorry,” Katja’s eyes widen in alarm, the hand on Poppy’s knee squeezing apologetically, “I just thought, the dreams, the sickness, the exhaustion, that’s how it started for me with all 3 of my children.”

“Oh.” At least she isn’t the only person Nico has ever caused to have such torturous dreams, she thinks. “No, I’ve just had a bug, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna clear up,” she says, her voice much smaller as she continues to speak through trembling lips, continues to grow more unsure of her words as something akin to dread settles in the pit of her stomach. “And this is like the aftershocks of being sick, or something, one last hurrah for the germs.”

“Of course,” Katja nods, giving Poppy’s knee a comforting rub before placing her hands on her own lap, a sheepish look given as she makes eye contact, the same dark eyes she’s been dreaming about looking right at her. “I would never usually assume, I swear you don’t look it, it was just my first thought when you mentioned the sleep. It just took me right back, my pregnancies were all like that. Heavy sickness, exhaustion, even in my bones I felt tired, and the dreams were crazy, especially with Nico, it was like full movies playing out in my head every night for the whole 9 months.”

“I never knew that was a thing.” Poppy has obviously heard of morning sickness. She’s heard of expectant mothers being exhausted, their bodies worn out from the oh-so-minor task of creating life, but she hadn’t ever heard anyone talk about dreams being an indicator of pregnancy.

“Babies make your body do crazy things.” She gives a reminiscent chuckle, and Poppy notices her lose herself a little in the memory, warm eyes melting with the recollection. “But at least you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Right.” The empty swallow Poppy takes next hurts more than the granola had before, the scratch of the cereal a minor irritation in comparison to the lump currently forming there. “What other symptoms did you have?”

“At the start, food was my enemy. Rino used to have to make me smoothies to get all my vitamins in. You wouldn’t think with the appetite my boys had growing up that they would have made me fear eating so much, but it was bad. I always envied the women who just had a little morning sickness.”

Poppy feels her eyes well up - more so at the way Katja’s eyes glint with pride and love when she talks about her family than anything else. It’s beautiful. Even recalling how sick her babies had made her, Poppy can tell from the look on her face that her pregnancies brought her unadulterated joy.

She remembers when Oliver’s wife, Kimberley, had been pregnant with their first son. They had lived in Jersey, still, back then, and family dinners were a staple every Friday night. They were all sat around the dining table back at the Jensen house, and Kimberley, God bless her, had misguidedly asked Priscilla what her pregnancies were like. 

“Hell.” Poppy’s mom had said, sipping at her wine and looking over the glass at Oliver with a measured glare. “He gave me uneven breasts and dry skin,”

“Mom,” Oliver had grunted in disgust, a protective hand reaching out to take hold of his wife’s.

“And she,” Priscilla gave an accusatory point in Poppy’s direction, “Gave me thin hair and postnatal depression. But she evened my breasts back out, so there’s a silver lining, I suppose.”

Kimberley hasn’t made the same mistake of seeking motherly advice since then. 

“And Nina made me have super-human scent, I could smell things from floors away.”

Poppy can barely look at her anymore.

After she’d spoken to Nico when he’d turned up before, she could still smell him from across the room. And she hadn’t been able to step foot in the common area in her office when she’d dropped by to pick up her files earlier, thinking she could smell someone’s microwaved food and feeling like she was about to vomit. She has only been able to nibble at dry crackers all week just to avoid eating or smelling anything that would set her off.

But that’s the bug, right? She’s been sluggish, she’s been tired, running hot all week, and her body has constantly ached, especially-

“I should get all this stuff packed up,” Poppy shoots up from her seat, thankfully able to suppress the dizziness. “I think I feel better, thank you so much for keeping me company.”

She shouldn’t hope so much that she isn’t being rude, shouldn’t expect or want Katja to hold her to high esteem, but she finds herself cringing at her quick subject change, and caring a little too much that it will make her think less of her.

Her son doesn’t want her to be a part of his life in that way, Poppy thinks, so it shouldn’t matter what Katja feels about her. Not anymore.

“That’s okay, Poppy, thank you for listening to me reminisce. It was nice. Nico usually gets too embarrassed for me to talk about stuff like this.” Katja follows Poppy up, mirroring her to help her pack up the rest of the merchandise that hadn’t been bought or signed.

“I don’t think he could ever be embarrassed by you.” Poppy chuckles despite herself, defending him like it’s second nature, even though she knows Katja wasn’t trying to put him down in the first place. He’s her son, for crying out loud, Poppy thinks, she doesn’t need some random girl he works with acting like she knows him any better than his own mother. “He probably just doesn’t want to think about ever making you uncomfortable, even as a foetus or whatever.”

Katja gives that same knowing smile she had worn just before turning Poppy’s world upside down mere minutes ago. The smile that would be patronising on anyone else, but the warmth in her eyes holds nothing but understanding and appreciation.

“He’s a sweet boy,” she remarks, proudly, “I never thought of It like that."

“Yeah, you raised a gentleman for sure.” Poppy had considered that it would feel more like a lie when the thought had come to her head, but as the words leave her mouth, she finds comfort in them.

Despite how much he had hurt her, she still knows Nico’s heart. She knows he cares deeply, knows he is selfless and warm, and loves with everything in him. He just doesn’t love her - not how she wants him to, at least - but she can’t hold that against him forever.

The words weigh a little heavier when the situation dawns on her, but she tries not to get ahead of herself. Not again.

She can’t be pregnant. That’s insane. 

And she can’t rack her brain trying to remember if either of them had protected themselves with his mom sat right in front of her, she knows for a fact she can’t suppress the heat that rises up her neck at the memory - she may as well wave a gigantic flag that reads Hey, I had sex with your son!

“We’re heading for dinner when he’s finished here, would you want to join us?” Katja asks, motherly concern etched upon her features, and Poppy’s heart warms at the gesture in spite of the panic rousing in her chest.

“That’s alright,” she shakes her head, guilt plucking slightly at her with the telling of the minute lie, “I have plans with another friend.”

“We’ll be going home next week, so there’s plenty of time to catch up, if you’re free at all.”

Poppy can’t help but relent with a soft smile, nodding at the suggestion without overthinking it. She’d accidentally gatecrashed a couple lunches Nico and Katja had together in some of her previous visits, and she was always so welcoming and kind - it would hardly be putting herself out if she were to do it again. “I’d like that,”

“If you’re busy, Nina and Rino will be over for the Stadium game, don’t let them convince you to come out when I’m not there.” She jests with a pointed finger, and Poppy finds herself laughing despite her nerves. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good girl.” Katja reaches out and pinches softly at Poppy’s cheek, “Make sure you keep drinking plenty, and eating too, even if you feel sick you should try make sure you’re keeping your energy up. Try soup with lots of vegetables and bread. You can make it in a big batch and freeze it.”

Poppy can’t remember the last time her own mother had cared about her like this - not without belittling her, at least. When she’d spoken to her mom last week, had told her she was off work sick and couldn’t come over at the weekend, she had heard her roll her eyes over the phone. She’d been told that this is where eating poorly gets her, and that if she was keeping on top of her supplements and vitamin shots, she wouldn’t be so prone to illness. 

Even as a grown woman, with her own career, her own life, her own home, she still feels like a berated child when it comes to her mom. 

Nico’s mom makes her feel child-like in an entirely different way. In a way that’s warm and comforting, a way that wouldn’t give her anxiety every time her name comes up on her phone.

“I will, thank you for looking out for me, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it, Katja.”

Kindness comes like a second nature to Katja - to all members of the Hischier family she has encountered thus far - and a pang of jealousy and longing hits her at the realisation that some people have just been raised around this level of benevolence their whole lives, and think nothing of it.

Though, she knows Nico appreciates it.

Katja departs back through the doors into the Q&A with a soft smile and an enthusiastic wave, and Poppy waits until they have closed properly before she retrieves her cellphone from her back pocket.

Frustrated at the way it refuses to identify her face, she prods her fingers into the screen, typing in her passcode and swiping until she finds her calendar app. 

She knows she had an appointment scheduled in December with her gynaecologist. She had been in the middle of trialling a new contraception back in October - a sticky patch that had made her bleed continuously for 3 weeks and turned her into a raging nightmare to be around - and had stopped using it despite the 6 week recommendation she had been given, figuring she’d just wait out the rough periods until her next time she was booked in and speak to the doctor about it. But she’d been so busy in the back end of last year, she doesn’t remember how long it’s been since she stopped. 

Her eyes widen when she locates the appointment, clicking into the date, December 15th and reading the notes she left in there.

NEED TO RESCHEDULE!!!! busy w/ work, gynae breaks 4 xmas 22nd, comes back Jan 2nd.

She remembers the phone call as soon as she reads it. She had cancelled instead of rescheduling, knowing she was picking up extra work and would be busy until pretty much after the Christmas break. She was supposed to call in the new year. She’d gotten distracted. She hadn’t thought it was an emergency, it wasn’t like she thought she would need it for contraceptive purposes. And her periods hadn’t even been that bad since she stopped using it. Light flow, 28 day cycle, barely any cramps. She’d even been keeping a track of it, herself. She had nothing to worry about, which is probably why she hadn’t remembered to book herself back in. Hadn’t thought to start taking any other birth control in the meantime.

Her Cycle app is the next stop, flicking through the dates until she realises she was on her period after Christmas, and that the 10 or so days after that had ended were marked another colour, given another meaning.

She can feel her heartbeat in her ears. 

No, no, no.

This isn’t happening.

She’s jumping to conclusions.

It’s just a sickness bug from the takeout.

The dreams are just her broken heart playing tricks on her.

She isn’t pregnant.

She can’t be pregnant.

Next Chapter

Taglist: @alwaysclassyeagle @bunbunbl0gs @idgaf-if-youre-here @youflowerr-youfeast @thearchersstuff @bellsdi0r @wonderheartz @jjgsunflower @butterflies35 @kenziepickle @josierosie @laheyxlover @mrsmattytkachuk (sorry if your tag hasn't worked btw)

[scarlettatg]

The Handmaid’s Tale

Thoughts on 505 and 506

Even before Gilead June had doubts and insecurities about her relationship with Luke which I think is completely normal, but what has always been interesting to me is that the flashbacks that weren’t her idealized memories of her family, were about the red flags of her relationship with Luke. How they met, June’s guilt over the infidelity, Moira and Holly’s warnings and his reactions to when Gilead started taking over. Season 4 was even more brutal in terms of showing how out of touch he unfortunately was and even with these “changes” in Season 5 I still see the same issues being portrayed.

When I watched episode 505 this particular scene came to mind. In the bowling alley when Luke starts singing there’s a look of doubt and sadness that reminded me of the look she had in episode 207 after she walks in on Luke screaming into Annie’s voicemail. June looks back at Jayden and that’s when we see her expression. It’s kind of hard not to associate Jayden to Nick. I would love to think she’s probably thinking about the fact that she’s in love with Nick and maybe she was, but the show loves to make it seem like June doesn’t think about him (which I believe it’s impossible) but in this particular case I think it has more to do with Hannah. June has always felt that Luke’s love is conditioned to her ability to be a mother and we have seen that portrayed in the show. The fact that she couldn’t save Hannah and bring her back to Luke weighs heavily on her. The whole dancing sequence and the way it was shot seemed idealized like the flashbacks she used to have of Luke and Hannah. It felt like a dream or like the title of the episode, a fairytale. Even though by the end of the scene there is a connection between Luke and June I keep feeling that connection is in a way centered on guilt than in the love she had before. Ironically by the end of the episode they end up once again separated in the woods.

Then in the next episode, we see these 2 characters physically together (like the title of the episode) but it felt like they were more apart than ever. I think the cages symbolize the striking contrast of having them together but separated by those huge cages. There’s just so much space around them yet they’re trapped with each other - by who they are now and how much they’ve changed. Luke is now seeing and feeling a small part of what June went through and June is in complete control, disassociating to her survival self. She’s not worried about herself, she’s worried about him.

I'm sorry. Sorry. I just... it's just when I... When I think of you in places like this, by yourself, I just wish... I wish I could've been the kinda guy that could've come and got ya. And I know how that sounds, I just... I just wish I could've been with you through that.

You were with me. You were.

In this interaction Luke is clearly and obviously panicking. He’s frustrated because he knows once again there’s nothing he can do. His inability to save and protect June is once again out in the open. So he gets mad. He says I’m sorry I’m being such a man about it. This comment made me think that I’ve always seen Luke as written to be a subtle misogynistic character product of being raised in a patriarchal society. And just like in our society some people see it some people don’t. We expect Luke to be prepared (at least somewhat) but he clearly isn’t. Then we see June and everything she’s gone through and it’s painful and frustrating to watch her babysitting someone who doesn’t seem to at least acknowledge that this has to be triggering for her. I’m not saying he isn’t worried about her, he obviously is but it’s more about how he feels in that moment. Obviously June doesn’t show it and that makes him feel even more inadequate.

The second thing he says is how he wished he could be that guy. It’s a constant guilt Luke has had to live with and 2 episodes ago Serena pointed it out bluntly. This is what gets him mad at Serena not the things Serena’s done to June but the things he couldn’t/didn’t do. There’s no way that in between the lines who both of them are thinking about is Nick. June knows the risks and the things he did for her and Luke recently got more confirmation that Nick took care of her in ways he couldn’t. I don’t want to be unfair so I will point out that there were times Nick had to literally stand by knowing June was being abused and he couldn’t do anything; but he did sacrifice himself for her safety and paid for it as well. She also did say on the tape that Nick helped her to survive. June’s expression when she tells him that he was with her is interesting. It gave me the impression she really didn’t mean what she was saying and he didn’t believe her either.

You listen to me, okay? Okay. Okay. Last time when we were apart... No matter what happened, I never gave up hope. And you never gave up hope, because we knew... we just knew... that we would find each other again. So, we're just gonna do that again. Right? I love you. I love you. And we are gonna do that again. Do you understand? Yeah, we're... we're gonna stay alive. That's right.

This is one of my least favorite lines of the whole series. (Both dislikes in the whole series for me are in this season and it’s simply because it seems like a change of narrative and storyline). I had issues with it because it makes no sense with what I have been shown in terms of June and her longing for Luke, which is basically non existent. Every scene of her thinking back to him was always conditioned to Hannah.

In Episode 105 she says why does it feel like I’m cheating on Luke? This was the first time she went to Nick’s apartment ordered by Serena. It was something she had no choice in the matter like all the other ceremonies before and she didn’t think of those as cheating on Luke. She also still believed he was dead. I took it as she wanted and was attracted to Nick which we saw since their first interaction. The flashback to Luke in this episode shows the first time they were together and the awkwardness between them since they were being unfaithful and it contrasts to the second time June goes to Nick willingly. She says she felt invincible the same way Luke had described the way she looked in her in the picture when he met her at the food truck. Luke told her he looked invincible, Nick made her feel it.

In Episode 307 she sees Luke with Nicole at the protest on the TV. She longs for him in a way and says she wishes she could be held and told her name, things we know Nick who just had left for the front did for her many times before and she kept doing even after she knew Luke was alive. But let’s take Nick out of the equation. She saw him, she longs for him; yet that flashback is to the night they made Hannah. This is also when she sends him the tape where she says she’s embarrassed, because she knows she’s being unfaithful just like Luke had done with Annie; and where she says Nicole was made out of love and that it was Nick who helped her to survive.

In Episode 405 she reminisced about their first time again while Janine and Steven are having sex. It isn’t an intimate setting, they’re in the middle of a war front. She believes that what Janine is doing is wrong so I have no idea why she thought back to that.

In Episode 406 which is called Vows interestingly enough, we get the flashback where Moira says that Luke left Annie because she couldn’t conceive. We then see June talking to Luke about their and his vows with Annie asking what if she can’t give him kids, if she disappoints him or isn’t who he thought she’d be. Which is interesting given the context that she comes back a completely different person and without Hannah. She even says it to Moira on the boat. She didn’t want to come back to him without Hannah and you can see how worthless she feels when she tells him I’m sorry it’s just me.

She also says she never gave up hope and well she did many times and after season 3 she was suicidal, and in season 4 she tells Aunt Lydia to kill her.

After her first escape, what happened with Omar, her pregnancy and Nick’s marriage she was extremely hopeless. June has always had the will to fight and has drawn strength not only from Nick but from her friends. After planning Angel’s Flight she had nothing left to lose and her plan wasn’t to escape. Luke even questioned her decision to stay making it about him not realizing June stayed behind for Hannah. In season 4 she runs back to Nick while she was scared of going back to Luke. Nick didn’t save June, she saved herself but he tried to help and his love helped her survive. That has been a constant for 4 seasons. We see her struggling to connect and it’s not until 409 that we see a semblance of peace and safety when she sees Nick. I know it was also a struggle for Luke to connect with her but I think it’s because unfortunately he expected her to simply go back to who she was and she doesn’t feel safe enough to open herself to him. He expects her to be someone she isn’t.

I can understand the moment they’re in, about to die but the lines could’ve been entirely different and still been accurate to the storyline. I don’t doubt June loves Luke, but she’s not in love with him and we can see it clearly even in this intent to reconnect. Even Luke doesn’t seem to buy it. That conversation made me think of the way she spoke to Hannah in 210 when she’s giving her hope so that she can go back to her other parents. As much as they seem to be trying to change the direction of the storyline it makes no sense and in between those lines I can still see the remnants of the same issues I saw in past seasons.

[winns-stuff]

(This is likely gonna be long so sorry for that)Hi!So first of all, now that school's around the corner, good luck with that💗💝✌🏻

Second of all I saw you demeter post and I had things to say .demeter in LO is an absolute MILF and also my favorite goddess apart from hera and artemis and hestia in canon greek mythology .And I do agree that as a character she is very interesting and also morally complex. I wanted to add to the discussion. There has been this new thing with all these recent "retellings" of hades and persephone's story where demeter had to be shown in a negative light to make the romance more approachable,and how ?By making her overbearing to make it seem like her concerns are completely invalid.Which is interesting because if you read the myth (and I'm not talking about that made- up story in the 70s where"persephone went to the underworld willingly") persephone and demeter are grief-strickenly longing for the other's presence, also worth mentioning the phrase "hades' bedmate in distress" and the pomegranate, an aphrodisiac ,heavily imply that she was assaulted , and despite demeter's immense trauma and the overwhelming pressure she's under, she is determind to find her and in the end manages to reunite with her.You know what's interesting?! Many of the retellings (specifically LO in this context) claim to be a feminist story and yet completely gloss over or down play demeter's trauma and make HER the villian .Like..WOWIE let's ignore a woman's trauma and rightful concerns by stating that she's throwing overly dramatic fits of hysteria , dismissing women's disapproval and rightful critisisms and negative feedback and passing them off as "womanly dramatic hysteria" totally wasn't a thing misogynist did!NOOOO we're feminist!!!

I'm not saying there shouldn't be positive depictions of hades and persephone AT ALL, but the expense shouldn't be belittling and ridiculing another goddess .

Anyway love to see what you think of this take,byee👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻

First off, thank you school has been kicking my ass but I manage it pretty well. But I agree with everything you said, it’s so sad to me that Demeter is being depicted as this crazy psycho mother for the sake of a damn romance. If anything I feel like it would be so much better to have Demeter’s concerns about her daughter actually be heard and respected and not just be turned into some mother gothel situation. I’ve never read any of the other greek mythology retellings on webtoon but I’ve seen a handful of them and it really does surprise me to hear that they’re all doing that, I’ll have to check that out. But my main problem with Lore Olympus as a whole (and I already said it before but it makes sense) is that every single creepy and disgusting thing the main cast does or everyone’s favorite character does gets completely overlooked and everything is forgiven, it’s both men and women but mainly men I’ve noticed, but if Demeter even says anything about worrying about Persephone she gets bashed so fucking hard and Rachel doesn’t even try to fix this problem she just continues to try and paint Demeter as insane which pisses me off. Why should Hades be some amazing wonderful character when he’s literally one of the worst characters ever or Ares when everything he does is creepy and invading. But yeah that’s my take on it but I agree with everything you said, thanks for submitting this these are always fun to read! hopefully you’re doing well.

[lightlycareless]

aughsdfsjhfs okay sorry for sending two asks in such quick succession but! i really love your take on naoya's character n after reading the last ask involving that "fight his wife/lose his powers" dilemma it got me wondering what you think his reaction would be to actually losing his abilities? i've recently written a story where that happens (via sealing talisman carved into the skin) and i'd love to hear your take on that sorta thing!

Hello again!

Sorry for responding late, been... out there, you know 😏 Also, don't worry about them asks! You keep sending them in, it makes me very happy to read headcanons, thoughts, comments, whatever it is that you want to share with me I don't mind at all hehe 😭❤❤❤❤ thank you!!!!

Going back to your ask, I'm glad you're liking my take on Naoya 🤭 I gotta say, that theory/dilemma had me speechless at one point—I was like omg what would he do???

Like he's attached to Y/N in a great level, but at the same time, I don't think he would give up easily his technique/rank/power cause that's all he's ever known in life, that was literally his purpose, you know? To strip him of that would make him feel like he... well, he's useless.

And we've seen what happens to him when things don't go his way—he was more than ready to kill Fushiguro just because he was appointed leader, as well as returning as a vengeful spirit cause he couldn't accept that Maki won against him.

However, if he had someone to support him through this difficult/traumatic moment in his life... I think he'd actually make peace with it. It would be very hard to get to that point tho, if he ever gets there, or if the person besides him is strong enough to stay with him through out the process. It could even be an eye-opening experience to him—there's more to life than just being a sorcerer.

In better circumstances, Y/N would do all that she could to make him feel better, even go along with him once he suggested seeing someone that offered to help him get his abilities back. They'd spend all their money in finding a solution, hiring underground sorcerers, all kind of shady people just to find a ray of hope—sparing no expense.

Ah, but I do think that he'd snap at her once in a while. More so if she was the reason why he lost them :/—Y/N would need to have a very strong... will, to understand it's his pain/jealousy/desperation talking, and overcome this as well. However, it doesn't make it any less painful, and I wouldn't blame her if she left.

But if he were alone... I dread to think what he would do. I dare say that he might even... unalive himself. The Zen'in would definitely toss him aside, call him all kinds of names, and wouldn't even attempt to help him. He'll realize that he was always alone, and now that his worth is gone, what's there to do? Where does he go? There's so many emotions he has to confront at the same time... and he never learned how to.

Kind of reminds me of Touya once he realized Endeavor was having children to replace him, and the forest scene :/

Also, I do think that many would believe Naoya wouldn't give up easily once he lost his abilities, maybe even considering unaliving himself as a bit too much, however, he's a character that has so much depth to explore. He puts a front of being strong, indifferent, rude, when in reality, he's scared. He's scared of being forgotten, of being alone, of not being worthy—he has to put down others to feel good about himself.

I'm kind of resentful that Gege never explored that side of a misogynistic household lol it's oppressive to both women and men, and instead, he gave us a caricature of an evil person 😭 Welp, Naoya still gotta face the consequences of his actions lol.

Oof, that was a heavy ask hahaha But I liked it!! I just allowed the words to flow hehe Thank you for sending in this ask 👀 I hope it answered your question, but if there's something more that you want to see, please let me know :>!

Also, the talisman carved in the skin to lose his abilities is something I found very interesting... it's gonna leave me pondering on it for a while 🤭

Thank you! I hope you have a wonderful week, take care ❤

[fedonciadale]

Few last asks here reminded me when I was anti-sansa (yeah, shame), just when books came out. Let's be real, I was projecting mean girl stereotype onto Sansa (+I believed she bullied Ary@). I was hoping "she will learn her lesson" and apologize to her sister(back then my fave). All in all, I didn't straight up hated her, I was just (REALLY) annoyed by her behaviour (now I love her more then Ary@). Aand then all the shit happened. (1/2)

(2/3) Eleven y.o. girl abused and molested by whole court? I felt so uncomfortable that I had to stop reading after her chapters and take a deep breath. And this awful assault by Hound. I still prefered Ary, but I was just hoping for Sansa to get out of this court of psychos and be(and feel) safe. Years later I found Tumblr and started reading how people were HAPPY that she was MOLESTED, that she DESERVED it. I quit fandom for almost twelve(!) years. And now I've blacklisted them all.

(3/3 sorry, it's so long) I must say: I don't understand this level of hate. I'm not bashing individual blogs. I'm just curious why general audience reacts so badly to girly kid that dreams of true love. If it was, idk, 2%, 5% I'd be cool. But it's sth around 40% of fandom that hates her dearly. Why? Pov trap wasn't THAT deep. At worst time she was insensitive not downright cruel. I can't quote anything, I block this kind of blogs at once, but I don't get this vitriol at teenage girl.

Hi there!

Sorry, this was sitting in my drafts and I sort of forgot about it over Christmas. 😳

I fell for the PoV trap as well and I liked Ary@ more at first as well (I honestly vibed with her because I was never very girly).

By the end of AGOT I pitied Sansa though. I mean regardless what she had done, Joffrey forced her to look at her dead father’s head. In that moment I felt bad that I had ever been annoyed with her, because surely you wouldn’t wish that kind of experience even on your worst enemy? And at that point I was  still convinced that Sansa played a role in Ned’s capture (which is not true).

Sansa grew much more on me during ACOK. I think I really appreciated her when she saved Dontos despite her own fear. That was when I began to like her. I was also a Jon fan (although season 7 and 8 Jon can rot for all I care), but the amount of hate Sansa got for the stupidest things made me defend her actions.

There are so many people in ASOIAF who are really vile but somehow a teenage girl who fought with her sister and called her names is somehow the worst.

As for why she gets so much hate? The answer is rather easy and frustrating at the same time: It’s the dudebros who only like “badass” women and the misogynists. Both are not necessarily male. I won’t name anyone but there is one blog with particularly astonishing Sansa takes and they are as far as I know a woman, but in my head they are always “dudebro” because they reek of internalized misogyny.

The answer is so frustrating because the misogyny comes so natural to some of them that they never question why they can excuse Bobby B for hitting “that bitch” Cersei (and Cersei is a villain, but that does not mean that it is o.k. that Robert hits her), or Jaime for being slightly condescending or Theon for how he treats the captain’s daughter (because he is so in pain, uwu - I mean, he is in pain, but in ACOK he clearly has a long way to go yet), or Tyrion for exploiting his sex worker Shae (and killing her), or.... you get it.

But somehow, a girl that dreams of a husband who is nice to her and takes her on a pleasure ride on a bark with puppies - that girl is somehow the worst character of ASOIAF.

Apart from the misogyny I think it’s also another effect that happens: GRRM forces you to live through Cat’s and Sansa’s uncomfortable and horrid experiences and their suffering from the patriarchy but there is no way out. No secret power they can activate, nothing. It’s just their wits and survival instinct. You cannot read Sansa chapters and be comforted by the security that she will escape that. It is as if GRRM shakes his readers and forces them to look at it, and apparently that is - especially for some men - very hard to swallow. It is uncomfortable because the readers are forced to look at that experience. And that is why some of them refuse to acknowledge it by victim blaming Sansa. She was a brat, she deserved it. She bullied Ary@, she deserved it. She betrayed Ned, she deserved it. If you look at Sansa’s suffering and tell yourself that she deserves it you can avoid admitting that the system as such is flawed.

It’s the knee jerk reaction of “not all men” or “some women profit from patriarchy” or “feminine women should just be less feminine.” If you blame the victim you don’t have to think about the fact, that it should not be like that. In a way you protect your own mindset from going to deep into how fucked up it is that women are supposed to dress appropriately and stay at home so that they won’t get assaulted instead of that men are supposed to just behave decently.

Thanks for the ask!

[silentauroriamthereal]

Thank you so much for your reply about Irene! I suppose I've tried to make sense of the situation within the fiction of the story, but you're right, if you look from the perspective of bad writing it stops being so confusing. Writing morally corrupt and entitled women in some misguided attempt at empowering feminism is something I've definitely noticed and it is infuriating (I'm still seething over Molly slapping Sherlock, and the way everyone else treated him in that episode tbh). 1/3(sorry 😅)

2/3 There is a disturbing trend of people who are supposed to look out for Sherlock making him pay for his rudeness/carelessness with violence or insults. I hate it, because when Sherlock missteps he gets told off (sometimes he deserves it and sometimes he's right but everyone else is being too stupid to notice), especially by John, so as time goes on all the additional jabs at his character stop feeling like banter and more like open animosity.

3/3 Speaking of bad writing, I think it's ludicrous that Sherlock is capable of making the mistakes he does throughout the show but he was able to predict which therapist John would go to, Mrs Hudson kidnapping him, etc down to the hour, probably that John would put him in the hospital too and bring his cane as a nice parting gift. I also think it was ooc for this Sherlock not to realise the killer in ASIP was a cabbie like he does in the pilot. Silly me, I thought what made him human was love. Hey, sorry this is so late in coming! Things have just been super busy lately! Yes, I completely agree with everything you've said here. Just to be super clear, it's not that I think that Moffat or Gatiss are bad writers, per se, but they're lazy af and entitled af. Gatiss once sneered at someone asking a question about unresolved plot threads as us wanting "pablum", when what we the fandom have actually requested is, simply, quality work. Finished work. Work that doesn't leave gaping holes. I firmly believe that they're capable of writing work that meets that description, but they're smarmy and self-satisfied and are too busy scoffing at the very people who gave them the platform that they have to actually listen when we point out that something is half-baked. I could rant for a very long time about their view of what feminism looks like, but I won't do it again today. I fully agree about their inconsistent treatment of Sherlock. Either he's a super-human intellectually, or else he's so stupid that literally everyone else in his universe is said to be smarter than he is. He's the only person who ever needs to face a consequence for his actions - and not only that, but also the actions of OTHER people, like how Vivian Norbury's choice to pull a trigger and Mary Morstan's choice to somehow jump in front of Norbury's bullet were in any way done because Sherlock Holmes controls everyone and everything around him. What an incredibly stupid suggestion. I'll also just point out that attributing the agency and decisions of two women to a man is incredibly misogynistic, even if I loathe one of those women. Mary's actions were her own, and they were all very bad and she never once had to face a consequence or even pretend to be sorry for them. John also has a lot of shit to answer for (THE MORGUE SCENE, ANYONE!!!!), for going back to Mary (WTAF) after she shot Sherlock in the heart, on purpose, with the specific intent of preventing John from making an informed choice about her. Again, I could go on and on and on. Sherlock is the only person who has to face punishment, and man, do they love to punish him. I think I just had a breakthrough realization that Molly slapping Sherlock is their Mary Sue. Wow. Lol.

[firelxdykatara]

Let me start by saying I've never watched Legend of Korra. like, the most I've watched was any bending scenes/fights and all the Zuko and Toph clips (admittedly, I didn't watch any of the Katara clips because..well..honestly I didn't want to see her be so meek). But I've always felt kinda...bad for liking Mako since the few posts I did read made it seem like both Korra and Asami were better off without him and I didn't want to accidentally fall into the category of sympathising with a man who didn't treat women right. Even when I watched what few clips he was in -Mako seemed a little serious but not anything bad- I thought it was just because I didn't see enough of him to see why he was so bad for Korra and Asami.

And then I read your post on Mako and how he had to do anything and everything to take care of Bolin and my heart kinda broke. I don't know if this is right, but it kinda feels like Mako is being treated a bit like Katara's being treated. Like, they both fit the sibling-turned-parental-figure roles and some of the fandom seems like they can't accept that both are still teenagers who...well, still act like teenagers. seriously, I'm gonna be mad if I ever see another 'take' about how Katara is bad for acting more teenager than mother 😤. And the parallels between the non-con kisses that their respective Avatars gave them, with both Mako and Katara shouldering the blame (though in Katara's case it's more of a "she's supposed to like it! She's the Avatar's girl uwu") . It just rubs me the wrong way how neither of them get any slack for acting less than amazing when they both spent years carrying their trauma and shielding their siblings from that same hurt.

Sorry if this is bothering you or if it doesn't make sense; I'm just kinda fed up of seeing people side with the Avatar no matter what the situation was, especially when Korra and Aang were actually in the wrong *coughnon-conkisscough*

You're not bothering me at all, don't worry!

Honestly all of this makes a ton of sense, someone who's never seen the show and only has fandom's word to go on could be excused for thinking Mako's a fuckboy who was intentionally leading the girls on rather than a kid who'd been raising his baby brother alone on the streets since he was eight years old and maybe not the best at navigating personal relationships and didn't know how to deal with the fact that he had feelings for two incredible girls at the same time. That shit's hard to deal with even when you have parents and had a happy and comfortable life and are just in high school trying to get through the day, but you throw that in the mix with 'became a parent at eight years old' and 'struggled to get enough to feed his brother, nevermind himself, while they lived on the streets' and then everything that happened during the series, and it's like, cut this kid some slack maybe????

Also the comparisons with the way the fandom treats Katara are also spot on. Obviously in Katara's case there's also an added element of racialized misogyny, because she's a dark-skinned girl and the only dark-skinned girl in the main cast, so that gets added to the fact that she was also the gaang's 'mom friend' and you get fans unironically calling her a 'bitch' for -checks notes- getting reasonably upset after being pushed to her limit and losing her cool--but in Mako's case, he actually fills the same niche in the krew that Katara did in the gaang, and he gets a lot of the same treatment, which I think winds up coming at him from the opposite side of the fence so to speak. Because he's a boy, he automatically gets the blame for anything that goes wrong with the love triangle--up to and including the avatar violating his boundaries and kissing him without his consent--because Korra and especially Asami are precious girls and could do no wrong.

And the thing is that it gets kinda complicated because Korra did also get a lot of racialized misogyny flung at her by the racist&misogynistic dudebros of the fanbase who hated that a brown girl was now the avatar, but that wound up overshadowing the very real and reasonable criticisms that can be made of her character and her behavior. Especially in Book 2, where she gets angry enough at Mako for -checks notes- doing his job and not wanting to jump to conclusions that she TRASHES HIS OFFICE!!!!! IN A FIT OF RAGE!!!!!! (which of course Mako gets blamed for and a lot of fans will frame that as Korra getting 'reasonably upset' which lol no)--and the fact that this occurs in the same season as Bolin getting trapped in an explicitly toxic and abusive relationship with a Water Tribe girl (who happens to be Korra's cousin) that is played for laughs the entire fucking time makes me think that Bryke just have very troubling ideas about how it's ok for women to treat their significant others, particularly if they happen to be men.

(Although let it not be said that they didn't write toxic relationships from the other side, Varrick spends the entire series mistreating Zhu Li and then at the end he decides he's in love with her and they get married [in a very Western ceremony, incidentally], and nothing is ever mentioned of the awful way he treated her for the entire show.)

So yeah like, it really, really bothers me that Katara and Mako share similar niches in their respective teams and both of them get a whole lot of untoward hatred for -checks notes- being teenagers and having feelings and sometimes expressing them. They both deserve so much better from their respective fanbases, and I think the biggest reason Katara has a bigger and more devoted defense squad is because atla is still pretty widely regarded as the best installment of the franchise and a lot of people just don't care to even watch lok. The bulk of the lok fanbase is anti Mako and it's hard to maintain any resilience as a fandom in the face of that lmao.

But I'm always happy to talk about how much I love him and if I can only turn the tide one anon at a time then that's ok.

[sokkastyles]

Honestly, I refuse to interact with that last thread you reblogged, because I don't want to spread OP's (what was their handle again? Bryke-official or something? I already forgot) name and give them more attention than what they deserve even if it is for ratio, but I couldn't help myself and peeked at the notes and there was one that REALLY rubbed me in the wrong way. I don't want to explain what the person wrote in detail, but the main concept was that "in the case when a male and female have a close, non-romantic relationship, people read a male's actions as justification or entitlement to a relationship with the female", and I'm curious if they will EVER realize that's exactly what happened with K@t@@ng instead of Zutara... 1/3

Continuing with the honesty, I'm not even as angry by the fact that people apparently read a girl displaying affection to a boy as irrefutable proof of her romantic attraction (which is downright elementary school rethoric) just to endorse K@t@@ng, I'm more angry at the fact that even the people that claim to care SO much about Katara focus an awful lot on the boys in her life and what THEY have done for her instead of what SHE has done for them. All the emotional support Katara gave Aang, anyone? All the times she literally RESURRECTED him? The fact that Katara was the very first person who showed selfless compassion to Zuko? That consoled him in regards of his betrayal to Iroh? That ALSO saved his life? 2/3

Maybe I'll elaborate on this later myself, and maybe I should be thanking that anti-Zutara in the thread because, if Katara has done so much for Zuko, and Zuko has done SO much for Katara that even antis can only see THAT, then I'm not in the wrong for supporting a ship with MUTUAL emotional support and connection. Feels so good to be validated! 3/3

And also, just because, JESUS CHRIST!! I gave a look at that Bryke-official person's (or whatever their name was) page, and good God, they are OBSESSED with Bryan and Michael!! Like... for once I'm not angry that someone is so supportive of creators who resent their female fans so much, I REALLY feel sorry for Bryke now 😳😳😳

I hadn’t looked at the notes before but...yikes. It’s an old post so I have no idea if OP is still around, but what they said is incredibly misogynistic. Also quite ridiculous, considering that fandom as a whole does not project onto brown girls, and Mai is a MUCH easier character to identify with, especially for the types of girls and women who are into fandom. Introverted, sarcastic, dresses like she shops at Hot Topic...I’ve seen MANY people say that they identify with Mai, and also seen many people project onto her because 90% of her character is fanon, because there just isn’t that much to her in canon. Not that there is anything wrong with self inserting, but I wish people would be honest about it. And if people are self inserting onto Katara, that’s pretty cool. It’s amazing that a dark skinned girl is the center of shipping in the ATLA fandom and has been for fifteen years, but I assure you it’s not because she’s the easiest for people to self insert into, and dismissing her shipping potential that way seems awfully racist.

And the idea that people treat Zuko’s actions as a justification or entitlement to a relationship is ridiculous, since Zuko does not canonically have romantic feelings for Katara. Interpreting the lightning scene as him having feelings for her does not mean seeing him as entitled to a relationship with her, either, because Katara already paid back his sacrifice by saving his life two seconds later. That’s actually one of the best things about their dynamic, that there’s no sense that anyone owes anyone else, no one’s hiding their feelings from the other, and they stand as equals. Unlike with...certain other relationships in canon.

People are arguing about Zuko’s motivation and feelings when the lightning scene was actually all focused on Katara’s feelings. I mean, look at the expression on her face:

You can see her realizing in this moment just what losing Zuko would mean to her. In fact, I was trying to recall what this shot reminded me of, and then it hit me:

This is Katara in “The Fortuneteller” after Sokka said Aang was a powerful bender (like the person Aunt Wu said Katara would marry.) In fact, these shots are almost the same, the focus on Katara’s face, her similar expression, the realization of feelings, the blue and orange lighting reflected in her face, the fact that both Zuko and Aang are shown to be powerful benders in these moments. (Yes, Zuko is a powerful bender. Here he is performing a technique that only two other people know how to do, and he taught one of those people, and he didn’t even do it correctly and he still redirected the lightning. Look back at that shot of the lightning being released up into the sky and tell me that’s not powerful.)

Someone, I forget who, said that it’s less the actions themselves and more what happens afterwards that has potential to draw Zuko and Katara closer together. Many people who go through a near-death experience together often become close even if they were complete strangers before. Sometimes they even end up married. It’s a pretty well-known psychological phenomenon.

[cavehags]

i realize this will probably bring up old drama so you might not want to answer it. but do you ever regret, however on purpose or on accident, bringing all that unnecesary hate towards Katara? i'm really sad and dissapointed tbh. i'm a woman of color and katara was so important to me growing up. my favorite animated woman ever. and then this resurgence comes and theres so, so much unnecesary hatred for her and everyone ignoring everything that makes her a good character.

(2/3) 2- and you know, i expected this from the male side of the fandom. they were misogynistic to her and the others even back then so i would expect it to be even worse with how internet culture is more mysogistic now that ever. and i wasnt wrong. male atla fans had some truly horrible takes and views that just came across as racism and misogyny. but, i expected these circles to be better. to be a safe space for us woc who love this character. but i found the same weird hatred for her.

(3/3) 3-i just, i cant believe i feel less welcome now that i did even back then. and back then i didnt even paricipate really. but at least i could enjoy fandom content without stumbling into misogyny and racism every other post. also sorry for sending this to your personal blog b i just wanted to let you know you controbuted to that too even if it wasnt your intention. at least you realized that and arent contributing to it anymore right? cause honestly the hate has only gotten worse not less.

hey anon. thanks for asking this question, because i hadn’t addressed this topic previously and this gave me an opportunity to do so. 

no, i don’t regret publicly interpreting a character whom i love through a nuanced and human lens. and i don’t regret combating the one-dimensional interpretation of this character, which posits that she’s merely an vaguely defined object of attraction for some boy or another, and a singularly gentle, mature, maternal figure whose sole purpose in life is to nurture others. those interpretations suck. they rob her of the humanity and complexity that make her character unique and they stem from misogynistic tropes that reduce women to the services they can provide to men. the thing in the world that matters most to me is fighting misogyny, and this trend to diminish a proud and powerful and angry teenage girl by exaggerating only her most socially acceptable traits is misogyny. 

unlike you, i did not grow up watching avatar: the last airbender. the shows i watched growing up did not have a lot of girls who felt real to me. the girls i saw on tv growing up were simple. they were the main characters’ crushes. they were simple, desirable, usually sweet and loving, and not much else. if they had a flaw, it was that they were, at best, “awkward.” whatever that means. or if they were the protagonists, which was rare, they were nice enough and tried to do the right thing, but they never had strong feelings like resentment and anger. they weren’t allowed to be unfeminine which meant they weren’t allowed to be bitter, angry or in any way flawed. they didn’t look like the version of girlhood i knew to be true for me personally, which included a lot of anger and frustration and powerlessness. 

that crappy representation left me with internalized misogyny that chased me for longer than i’d like to admit. i did not learn to think of girls as humans who could be as interesting and flawed and messy as the boys were. i did not value myself as a girl, and later a woman, because i thought the best thing a girl could be was... bland. boring. pretty, but empty. passionless.

it would have meant the world to me to see a character like katara. 

because katara is angry. she has every right to be: she’s had so much stolen from her, including her mother, her people, and her childhood. katara has a short fuse. she yells. she snaps. she fucks up. sometimes she makes mean jokes! i never saw a single one of those dreamily perfect cartoon love interests make mean jokes when i was a kid. she is extremely idealistic--it’s her defining character trait--but we see the bad side of that as well as the good. we see that her need to help others  leads her to act rashly, to get herself into danger, to put others in danger too. 

and she has her very own arc. it’s not about her love for another person, either (what a snooze of a storyline); it’s about growing up and learning to break down some of that stubborn black-and-white thinking that we all indulge in as children. it’s a true coming-of-age arc and it belongs to a fourteen-year-old girl. 

when i, to use a phrase i find crass, “entered the fandom,” i quickly realized that other fans’ perceptions of katara did not line up with the things i valued most about her. other fans seemed to valorize her most socially acceptable feminine qualities: her generosity, her kindness, her dedication to helping others. and of course i love those parts of her--i love everything about her--but what is really remarkable about avatar: the last airbender is that katara’s many important virtues are also counterbalanced by equally significant flaws. a good character has flaws. katara is a good character, and a deviation from the characters who made up my formative media landscape, because she has flaws. her temper, her idealism, her stubbornness--these are flaws. flaws make her seem real and human and challenge the mainstream sentiment that girls are not real or human.

it simply did not occur to me that celebrating these aspects of katara that make her a realistic and well-written teenage girl would spark ire from other adult fans. it absolutely did not occur to me that i would then be blamed for somehow causing misogynistic interpretations of this character, particularly given that misogynistic interpretations of this character are the very thing i sought to correct when i began to blog about this television show.

i’m told there are “fans” on instagram and tiktok who think katara is whiny, annoying, and overly preoccupied with her trauma. i do not use instagram or tiktok, so i wouldn’t know, but i’ll take your word for it. respectfully, however, they didn’t get that from me. misogynistic takes on katara have existed since before i came along. i have never, ever called katara whiny. and seeing as i have been treating my own PTSD in therapy for nine years, you can safely conclude that i don’t think anyone, katara included, is overly preoccupied with their trauma. that’s not a thing. do i think she’s annoying? of course not! as a character, she’s a delight. does she sometimes find real joy in aggravating her brother and her friends? yes, because she’s 14. i, an adult, am not annoyed by her. sokka and toph often are, because that is katara’s goal and katara always succeeds in her goals. she’s not “annoying.” 

if there are “fans” who are indeed following lesbians4sokka and somehow misreading every single post and interpreting them to mean that we hate katara and they should too, i don’t really know what you want me to do about that. l4s has over ten thousand followers and we have already posted so many essays disavowing katara hate. our feminist and antiracist objectives in running the blog are literally pinned with the headline “please read.”

furthermore, you cannot reasonably expect my co-blogger and me to control the way our words will be received. we should not have to, and are not going to, add a disclaimer to every post saying that when we critique or make jokes about a teenage girl we are doing so through a feminist lens. our url is lesbians4sokka, and we are clearly women. if that alone doesn’t make it obvious, then refer back to that pinned post. 

it is indescribably frustrating, and really goddamn depressing as well, that people are so comfortable with the misogynistic binary of Perfect Good Women and Flawed Wicked Bitches that they perceive any discussion of a woman’s flaws to be necessarily relegating her to the latter camp. if that is how you (a generic you) perceive women, then i’m sorry, but you’ve internalized sexism that i cannot cure you of. and it’s unjust to expect my friend and me to write for the lowest common denominator of readers who have not yet had their own feminist awakenings. we do not write picture books for babies. we write for ourselves, and with the expectation that our readers can think critically. reading media through a feminist lens is my primary interest; i have no intention of excising that angle from my writing.

as i go through my life, i am going to embrace the flaws of girls and women because not enough people do. as long as the dominant narratives surrounding women are “good and perfect” and “unlovable wh*re,” you’ll find me highlighting flawed, realistic, righteously angry women in the margins. and for what it’s worth, it’s not just katara. i champion depictions of angry girls in all sorts of media. that’s sort of my whole thing. my favorite movies are part of the angry girl cinematic universe: thoroughbreds, jennifer’s body, hard candy, jojo rabbit, et cetera. on tv, in addition to katara, you’ll find me celebrating tuca and bertie, poppy from mythic quest, tulip and lake from infinity train, korra, and more. i adore all these women and see myself in them. i hope you find this suitably persuasive to establish that i have sufficient Feminist Cred, according to your standards, to observe and write about these very flawed and human fictional women. 

what i’m saying is this: i decline to take responsibility for the misogynistic discourse orbiting a children’s cartoon. as someone who writes about that series from a perspective that seeks to add humanity and nuance to the reductive, one-dimensional, overwhelmingly sexist writing that already exists, i am pretty taken aback that i am the one being blamed for the very problem i sought to address. except not that taken aback because i am a woman online, haha! and this is always how it goes for us. 

finally, i think it sucks that you’ve chosen to blame me for a problem that begins and ends with the patriarchy. i can’t control the way this response will be perceived, just like how i can’t control the way anything will be perceived because i am just one human woman, but i do hope you choose to be reflective, and consider why you’ve chosen this avenue to assign blame. 

[rjalker]

/post/667302754800353280/ladybug-in-felix-the-real-adrien-would-never-be ok but! adrien was actually remorseful and promised lb to be better by the end of it

the post being linked is here.

Wow and he was "remoseful and promised to be better" in Glaciator all the way back in season 2. When he said that he was happy with her friendship.................because he views it as an inevitable stepping stone to dating her.

If you think Adrien genuinely regrets his behavior towards Marinette, and is genuinely going to stop harassing her and start treating her with actual respect, then I hope to god you're right. But let's be perfectly honest here: If the writers actually cared about the way Adrien's behavior is harming Marinette, he would have been called out for it long before this.

Adrien didn't just suddenly start harassing Marinette in season 4. It's been going on since season one, and he was explicitly told to stop in season 2. He is still doing it in season 4.

We can hope the writers have finally gotten their heads out of their asses and realized that showing Adrien sexually harassing and assaulting Marinette as a good thing is, in fact, horrific and dangerous, but I won't fucking hold my breath for it.

Like, I'm sorry but at this point it's quite literally guarenteed that Adrien will go right back to his usual harassment within the next episode, except now he'll look sad when he's told to stop, instead of laughing in her face as he tries to purposefully upset her, because now the writers are trying to pretend he hasn't literally admitted out loud on several occasions now that the only reason he shows up to fights is to harass her and upset her on purpose because he thinks purposefully and genuinely upsetting her is funny.

If this is the first time you're ever noticing that Adrien's behavior towards Marinete is wrong, I am begging you to go back and watch the show again and look at the way Marinette has been reacting to him this entire gods damned time.

Look for yourself, and think for yourself. If the only reason you're suddenly aware that Marinette has never consneted to the crap Adrien does to her is when the writers finally aknowledge it (literally for the sole purpose of making us feel sorry for Adrien, the abuser) then don't even bother replying until you've gotten yourself some critical thinking skills and are able to actually step back from the show.

Because we are talking about fictional characters here, not real people. We are talking about fictional characters written by misogynistic 45 year old white men who think sexual harassment and assault is funny and romantic.

We are not talking about a 14 year old boy. We are talking about predatory 45 year old white men who have been telling us for six years now that sexual harassment is okay and funny and romantic as long as it's a pretty blonde white boy doing it to a woman of color.

You think Adrien's genuinely going to become a better person after this? Well I hope to fuck you're right. but don't hold your breath unless you don't need to breathe, because the writers have been doing this shit the whole fucking time, and they are only making him worse, not better.

you owe me $50 for defending the predatory white boy.

Either educate yourself on what sexual violence looks like in all its forms, or pay me. Because I’m not being paid to hold your hand and explain why misogyny is bad.

Cashapp: $Rjalker

Venmo: @Rjalker

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