#whatsit. emotional incest? that isn't even scraping the top of it
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I really am beginning to get murderous impulses
#if she doesn't start respecting me she is going to very soon do something and I will not be able to control myself#and I will end up beating her into a pulp#and I HATE to admit that. I do not want to do that.#but I am so scared that I'm gonna get pushed too far and because I don't have flight or fawn options I'm gonna react with fight#I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells.#I'm having trouble with my relationship with my m*ther because we're both targeted.#y'know. the woman who simultaneously neglected/enabled neglect on me and was far too close to me#whatsit. emotional incest? that isn't even scraping the top of it#the woman who thought it was real fun to chase me around the house and beat me up every time we washed up the cutlery#the woman who I now have a close relationship with that I DON'T WANT#I should've killed myself before we'd even left home#I should've hung myself the moment I heard the knocks at the door#I don't wanna live in a house where I'm scared of being gassed because she keeps putting bleach in the toilet and denying it#and I KNOW it's chlorine because of the smell#because there's a line of rust down the back of the bowl from the leak that she won't acknowledge#of getting beaten up for not wanting food poisoning#of her screaming at me that I don't have anything wrong with me despite evidence to the contrary#of her fucking with everything I own to the point where I'm gonna develop a hoarding problem OUTSIDE of the ocd hoarding#my grandpa and m*ther have!#I don't have enough of the symptoms to have ocd despite having a few of the major symptoms#but I think that's from other issues#but god. I'm gonna fucking do something drastic soon
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