#what's the point in even trying to organize my thoughts about this when some LLM is going to steal them and try to profit from them

[baejax-the-great]

Learning that the scientific articles I published (and did not get paid for publishing because that's not how science works), that in fact I paid to have published because academic science publishing is a racket, have been sold to Microsoft for them to train their LLMs is giving me feelings I don't have words for.

[vvatchword]

In Which I Am Accosted by an Angel

So as y’all know, I am currently suffering from severe lock-up (Brain Tetanus?) derived from a cocktail of ADHD, anxiety, and depression. On Wednesday evening, I was starting to feel optimistic about my abilities to defeat Brain Tetanus, so I left my laptop at work. Thus, when Thursday rolled around and I locked up anyway, my ability to PERFORM said work was now completely gone: it meant going somewhere and I could barely move. On Friday, I realized I should go get my laptop so I could at least attempt work over the weekend. Friday became an entire day of me struggling toward the front door.

I finally left the apartment around 9:00.

Now, on one hand, I got to see my city at night, which I rarely do, being a mole person. I also got to see the night life on my street, which I found fascinating (all college kids. It felt weird. Like look at all these babies. Where are my olds at).

Retrieved my laptop. Masked up. Got back on the bus. Success. Easy peasy.

At first, there were plenty of kids on the bus with me as well as a handful of blue-collar workers. Homeless people were rolling on and off the bus the entire way. Eventually, it became only homeless people and me.

Well, I had decided to reward myself with orange soda for going through the whole rigamarole of reclaiming my Macbook, so instead of heading home, I crossed the street to the nearby gas station. I noticed that two of the homeless people were crossing the street with me. Didn’t really give it a lot of thought; they gave me a wide berth. I gave them a light smile when they looked that way. I was wearing my noise-canceling headset because traffic be LOUD bitches, but no music was playing.

Do you see where I, the narrator, went very fucking wrong? How and why?

So I headed up toward the gas station. Started noticing that, um, the two homeless people were... also going to the gas station?

So I stopped to get my wallet out of my bag and both of them stopped, too.

Oh, dear jesus. what have I done

I pick up my bag again and head inside. One of the homeless guys is a little Latino man, probably ten years my senior. Has two backpacks, one on each shoulder. He gives me a huge smile and frankly, I kinda liked him. Thanked him for opening the door for me. Headed toward the Fruity Sugar Drink section. Decided to try three different varieties of orange soda to see which one I liked best (it’s Crush btw). 

Little Latino Man (LLM) was like, “You like that fruit juice huh baby?”

“Yeah,” I said, pretending not to be nervous as fuck. “Gonna try some different ones!” Haha! Smiling! I’m so nice! Don’t shoot me!

I head up to the front counter. The clerk is not behind the counter, but in front of it, and he’s looking at the other homeless guy.

“Get outta here,” he said.

Apparently, the man was a known troublemaker who’s always stealing snacks. He got chased out of the store.

“I thought he was following you,” said LLM.

“Well, thanks for looking out for me,” I said cheerily. (Please don’t be weird. Please don’t be weird. Please don’t be weird)

(Spoiler: He was weird)

At first, LLM tries to buy my drinks for me, but I was like, “No. No that’s okay.” Clerk actually listened to me. Now in retrospect I realize he was looking out for me--giving me this intense look like, “Are you okay?”

And I was just... not really cognizant of just how badly off I was. Because you know, I’m used to being super chipper to everyone I meet. I should have stayed there in the gas station. But instead, I went ahead and headed toward the door...

and LLM followed me.

Now I didn’t really think too much about it at first; there’s a homeless encampment under the overpass near where I live, and several notable homeless aid organizations nearby. I try to be nice to the homeless whenever I can and haven’t had trouble with any of them at all up to this point.

LLM immediately strikes up a conversation.

“Do you live in the apartments down here?”

“Uh... lots of apartments down here, yeah,” I said.

“Do you live alone?”

motherfucker what

“No, you can’t afford to do that down here,” I said.

But I’m a bad fucking liar and I think the guy knew I was lying.

“I’m looking for a roommate,” he said. “I have a million-dollar settlement coming in.”

“Oh, that’s great,” I said. “You won’t have to worry about rent at all with that.”

“Man, when I moved here my car got stolen in the first two weeks!”

“That’s too bad! I’m sorry.”

“My name’s Angel because I’m an angel,” he said, flinging his hand out. “How about you?”

“Ann,” I said, giving him a light shake. His hand was cold and dirty and he let go of mine almost immediately.

So I ended up walking past my apartment, thinking: Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. It’s dark down this way. Fuck. But if I turn around he’ll get suspicious. Fuck. 

Now when I think about it, I wish I had gone back toward the convenience store, but at the time, I was like, how can I do this so that I extricate myself without getting the guy suspicious? Because I just want to fucking go home.

“I died last year and came back,” he said. “Did you know that this is heaven?”

“Uh... no, I didn’t. Why is it heaven?”

“Because we’re alive,” he said. “We’re here living, and breathing, and partying, and fucking. When we go to heaven it’s just...” He pointed at his head. “This.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“I’m not fully human, you know? When you go through heaven, it goes through you. My soul is one half god and one half angel,” he said. “Because when you die, you become an angel. God is three in one: he’s a man, an eagle, and an alien. In the beginning, the universe started with aliens, but then they became knowledgeable of god and became man. When people say, ‘The aliens are going to destroy us!’, they’re wrong. The aliens want to be us.”

“Oh, that explains why they do what they do.”

“Yep. Did you know you can see faces in plants?”

“What, really?”

“Yes. They are the spirits of the fallen. They fell to earth and hid inside the plants. I can make them show themselves.”

“No shit!”

I won’t lie, about this point I was kinda into it, like, fuck yeah, show me the angel trees.

We stopped under a streetlamp. He paused, gathered himself, and pointed at the trees across from us.

“Show yourselves,” he said.

A pause.

Yep Those Are Trees.jpg

“One, two... three... ten...” He starts waving around, encompassing the trees with a finger. “You can see them. About twenty faces. Do you see them?”

“Can you point them out to me?”

“See... right there, in that bit of shadow? Two eyes, a face?”

“Yes,” I said, lying out my ass.

“Now, when the leaves are all rustling together, they’re talking. But when the trees are shaking in the wind, they’re having sex.”

“Oh, gee,” I said, because I desperately needed to not talk about sex with this man.

He then said that he didn't experience any of this until he came back to life, that even on meth he never experienced it.

“When I came back, first thing I saw was a panda come out of the earth,” he said.

“Wait, a panda? That sounds a little terrifying.”

“Yeah, just a panda face. And I said, ‘Pandas don’t live in this climate!’ And then it turned into a bear!”

“Like a brown bear?”

"Yeah. And then it turned into a little green alien woman!"

"Holy shit!"

"It was a female. You know how I knew? I couldn't see her bottom or nothing. It was her eyes. I looked into her eyes and I could see she was a woman."

She was like, three feet tall apparently. Anyway, he blinked at her three times and she loved that shit because three is the number of the trinity.

Well, friends, by that time I had gotten to my target: the In-and-Out Burger. And thank you JESUS that place was full of people and bright as god.

“I’ll go get us a seat,” he said, and went.

And that was the time I fucking VAMOOSED my brothers in christ. That was the time I sprinted out the door, across a busy street, down to the darkest avenues I could find that would lead me home. About halfway there I realized that I could be seen for a long stretch and this would be a problem since most likely if the guy followed me he’d take the way we went.

Usually while in public I pretend to be Lawful Good so when I say it meant something when I jaywalked everywhere and galumphed over a flowerbed, looking for dark spots to secrete myself like some kind of budget ninja, I hope you understand.

Anyway, I was pretty sick to my stomach after all that, but at least the adrenaline unlocked my ability to cook soup.

Unfortunately, I am back to Brain Tetanus as usual, but at least I am not dead.