#what pursuing a degree part time while working and also dealing with sudden trauma will do to a man | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thegreenwolf · 5 years ago

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(This post was originally posted on my blog at https://thegreenwolf.com/its-okay-to-not-hustle/)

There’s this meme going around Facebook right now, saying “If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a new skill, your side hustle started, or more knowledge, you never lacked time. You lacked discipline.” Thankfully multiple people have already skewered it, but it continues to be shared around by the sort of person who is trying to one-up everyone else, or who’s just plain clueless–or, for that matter, just trying to guilt you into buying whatever they’re selling.

Now, there’s not a damned thing wrong with self-promotion. That’s how indie artists, authors, and other self-employed folks get the word out. You have to be able to talk good talk in order to get people’s attention. But leading with this meme? Guilting people for not leaping from sudden unemployment straight into the thick of the ever-shifting gig economy? That ain’t gonna fly, Brocephus.

You Have Good Reasons to Slack

Excuse me while I dust off my counseling psych degree a sec, here. *ahem* We are in a very sensitive, turbulent time right now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a century in the Western world. We are in a hugely traumatizing situation here. Not just for the financial losses, but the fact that COVID-19 has killed thousands of people and left many more with permanent lung damage. We still haven’t gotten a handle yet on exactly how contagious this thing is, how long you’re contagious for, or whether you’re immune once you’ve had it, assuming you survive. We don’t have adequate testing, emergency rooms estimate that for every positive test there are 10-20 people out there infected and untested, and everyone with a cough is suddenly Schroedinger’s COVID case. Governments worldwide are slow to react in spite of the rising death toll. People have had friends and family die horribly from this thing in a short period of time. Even people who didn’t already have issues with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are feeling stressed, strained and scared–and, yes, traumatized. This image is guilt-tripping people who are actively being traumatized.

So we’re already starting with a populace that is dealing with this collective trauma, as well as whatever personal trauma each individual is experiencing. Not always easy to seize the day when you’re going through that. And I can think of a few other reasons that might further complicate this whole “Just get a side gig!” thing:

–They’re a parent who suddenly has all their kids at home, all the time, demanding time and attention and food, AND they still have to work eight hours a day from home, or maybe even more if their S.O. is unemployed/sick/etc. By the way, if someone trots out Isaac Newton or William Shakespeare or some other historical guy who managed to do epic things during a pandemic, remember that they usually had wives or servants to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning and (if applicable) childcare for them.

–They’re disabled or chronically ill, and don’t have the ability/energy/etc. to just go and make something happen, just like that. Imagine if you just randomly got the fatigue from a really bad flu, and you never knew whether it was going to last a day or a month. And if you tried exerting yourself when you were feeling better, chances are you’d slip back into fatigue-land. That’s what a lot of my chronically ill/etc. friends have to deal with, to say nothing of issues with accessibility of resources for starting a side gig.

–They don’t have any money for the supplies needed to start a side hustle, or the supplies have been hoarded by hobbyists preparing for a Pandemic Staycation.

–They don’t have the skills for something that just requires what they already have (like, for example, writing on a laptop you already happen to own). Often these skills are things that can’t be perfected in a few weeks at home, but may take years to develop before they’re really marketable–like, for example, the skill to make a decent living on side hustles.

–They have anxiety, depression or other mental health conditions that make it hard to function even in the best of times, but even moreso in this…well…mess. Even people who were mentally healthy before are going to be developing diagnosable anxiety and depression disorders before all’s said and done. And speaking from personal experience, those of us who look successful on the outside can still be internally hamstrung by these conditions at times.

–Plus there’s the fact that we’re not supposed to, you know, leave our homes, which narrows down the field of potential side gigs by a lot.

Even doing something less financially-wrought like learning a new skill or subject takes time, energy, and sometimes money, any or all of which may be scarce for the reasons above and more.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I am saying all of this as someone who is arguably an expert on the side gig. I have spent the past eight and a half years 100% self-employed (and a lot longer doing it part-time) as an author and artist, able to cover all my bills and expenses, and for a time I was the primary breadwinner of a multi-person household. I have like ten different things I was doing for a living before this all hit, a pretty diverse set of streams of income, even if most of them just up and evaporated in the past few weeks. And while I’m definitely a hell of a lot leaner now than I was a month ago, I still have my head above water for the moment. So I think I know side gigs.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m overall healthy. I have a dog who is a lot less demanding of my time than kids would be. I have my own space where I can focus more or less without interruption. More importantly, I have the skills, the knowhow, the drive and the personality to go out and seek new opportunities. And I’m used to fluctuations in income, though admittedly this one’s unprecedented. Don’t gauge yourself by where I am now. I’ve spent twenty-two years building up my art business, my first book came out in 2006, and I’ve had a series of really good opportunities come my way that I had the privilege to be able to make the most of. I am not your measuring stick, so don’t say “Well, if she can do it why can’t I? I must suck!”

If you’re feeling crappy because you aren’t hopping to it and carpeing the diem and getting everything done, here’s what I have to say to you: Look, you just had your world turned upside-down. Job loss, scarce commodities, sudden lack of outside childcare, restricted movement and inability to be around much of your support system, and did I mention a pandemic is happening, too? Any single one of those things would be difficult for just about anyone to deal with, never mind all at once. And I don’t even know what all else has already been going on in your life–unstable or unsafe living situation, other health issues, breakups and other losses, interpersonal conflicts. You know, normal life stuff.

You’re Not Lazy, or Screwing Up, or (Gods Forbid) Undisciplined

It is totally okay if all you’re doing right now is surviving. It’s okay if you feel like you’re drowning, overwhelmed by all that’s happening both on a global level and more personally. It’s okay if all you can manage right now is to get out of bed and stumble through each day a moment at a time, struggling with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s okay if you’re just trying to keep your kids busy, dealing with a crowded home every single day, or trying to keep COVID-19 at bay. It’s okay if, instead of firing up DuoLingo or opening an Etsy shop, you spend your evenings vegging to Netflix or reading a book or playing hours and hours of Animal Crossing.

Not every moment in your life has to be about being productive even in the best of circumstances, and that goes exponentially so right now. Be patient with yourself, and be kind. You may be one of those folks who literally has to spend all their time scrabbling to try to cover the bills or get some leeway from bill collectors, and you have to dedicate your waking time hunting for resources just to try to get through this week. Believe me, I feel for you, I have a lot of friends in that situation right now, and I hope all of you can find some relief and assistance.

May I suggest something? If you have the energy for something more than the bare essentials of getting by, put that energy toward self-care, whatever you can manage under the circumstances. You can use it to recuperate, to rebuild your emotional and physical resilience. That way if things get rough again in the future, you have more internal reserves to build on. If your usual methods don’t work or aren’t accessible due to lockdown, ask others what they’re doing to keep themselves grounded in this trying time.

Just because you have more time doesn’t mean you don’t have to throw yourself right into something productive! Don’t feel pressured to just go-go-go the moment you have a little freedom to move. If you do decide you want to try a side gig, or a new skill, or learn all about some specialized topic of interest, go for it! If you have the energy and attention and opportunity to pursue something new, it can be a great coping skill during this traumatic time. Just don’t pressure yourself; keep it fun.

One last thing: I want you to save the image I have at the top of this post. And then if you see someone post that meme, saying “Come on, you lazy bums, get up and make that side gig happen! Learn new stuff! Do all the things! No excuses!” you pull out this version, and you look at the edits, you remember that it’s okay to be where you are, and you get back to doing things at your own pace no matter what someone else says. (I find visualizing stapling a printout of the edited version to the offender’s forehead to also be therapeutic, but that may just be me.)

Hang in there, okay? It’s going to be a rough time, but you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling right now is shared by so many people. So just let yourself be where you are in this moment, and we’ll see what hope tomorrow brings. And remember that whatever you’re capable of in this moment: it’s enough.

Did you enjoy this post? Please consider supporting my work on Patreon, buying my books here on my website, buying my art and books on Etsy, or tipping me at Ko-fi!

#COVID-19 #mental health #executive dysfunction #anxiety #depression #mine

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thawingthoughts · 6 years ago

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To All The Boys I’m Tired of Loving...

Does this shit get any easier?

Dear Tumblr, it’s me, Becca.

It’s been a while.

I’ve been hand journaling lately, but I feel like I have too many thoughts and emotions to be limited to the speed of my carpal tunnel.

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I broke up with the person I thought was supposed to be the love of my life in July last year. It fucking sucked, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made without question. The life I lived in those months after was more life than I had lived in my 23 years prior. I went to a foreign country, I moved, I made better friends, lost bad ones, made moves in my career and, well, fell in love again?

Which brings me to today, another fucking shitty day.

Love doesn’t suck, but navigating relationships in your 20s does.

Today I’ve spent the day crying my eyes out over a guy who technically was never my boyfriend. I genuinely never thought that would be me. Who the fuck am I right now?

Anyway, let’s continue.

In August 2018 I met a boy (because let’s face it if they’re under 30 they’re not a man) who wrecked my heart. Which, like I said who the fuck am I to let that happen?

He was too good to be true, and sure enough, he was.

In our Pete Davidson / Ariana Grande pace of a relationship, we shared a lot of life, a lot of sex, and I think more love than either of us care to admit. Much like the famous duo though, I think we were both in a lovesick rebound. Saying that doesn’t discount the validity in the emotions of the relationship, but it does give justification for its exhilarating but devasting end.

Like a deadly car crash from street racing, things went from 100 to zero, quick.

I think at the end of it though, I put him on an unwarranted pedestal because of the trauma he experienced in his life. And that’s not fair to me.

Yes, in that relationship I had a lot of guards up. I pursued something much bigger than I had ever anticipated. I fell harder than I thought I could fall, and I was so afraid of those emotions and if they were real.

I let a man say all the things I wanted and needed to hear. Treated me like a fucking queen in a way I had never experienced before. Listened like no one I had ever met. stupidly handsome, passionate, funny, incredible in bed...the list can go on.

But also, let’s call the bullshit where we can now. Rose-colored glasses off.

He’s got demons I can’t help, especially if he has no desire to help himself. His personality tends to bleed politician in order to skate around truly expressing himself. He scapegoat’s bad communication with vague statements. He’s extremely intentional in the moment but has poor follow through. Literally runs away from a confrontational situation.

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I remember after that first date though, that I thought I had met my match. And I was fucking terrified. Never in my life had I been on such an incredible first date. And no, that’s not to say that it was like a rom-com with these insane bells and whistles, but there was a chemistry between us like I had never felt before.

We met like any millennial in 2018, on a dating app. I had zero expectations. His profile had no info and he was roughly my age, so the fact that I had swiped right...surprised I did honestly.

I remember I half-ass dressed up for this date, almost canceling last minute until I realized the restaurant was right around the corner from my office.

I enter the restaurant, late, huffing and puffing and hot in the August heat (lol it’s Portland so it’s probably only 80 something degrees). I see him there and he’s in this wonderful suit and I feel like a hot mess, quite literally. We were probably there for three hours? We hit every topic that makes me wet: feminism, how Portland is so white, our shared Latinx experiences, liberal politics, I don’t even remember what else. I just remember calling my mom on my way home saying I’m fucked. Saying why the hell did God put this person in my life at this moment when I made such a fucking loud declaration to the universe that I was not ready.

He’s the only person I ever asked out on a second date. And that date was just as great as the first. We got dessert at my favorite place in town late at night after an extremely tough day at work.

Next his ass helped me move apartments.

Then the following week we ended up at the movies watching such a heavy movie, both needing a drink afterward. Next thing I know it’s four in the morning and we’re parked in his car outside of the movie theater. We’ve already made a seven-eleven run for gum and water.

I, being the confrontational person I am, asked him what’s his deal. In my head how does a guy pursue a woman like this without wanting to seriously date? Because, per my mantra earlier, I was not trying to date.

He told me his story, and it eerily mirrored mine. He and his partner of three years broke up that summer because of cheating. He was trying to get back in the game. He wasn’t looking for anything serious, but having a hard time navigating the app scene. He said a lot of girls said they felt like he wanted something serious because he was so nice, but that wasn’t the case.

I, of course, felt instant relief and also that there was a storm destined for our future.

We were in the same boat, hurray, but knowing the person I was and who I was actively trying so hard not to be, I was going to fall. Fucking hard.

And fucking hard I fell.

We kissed that night. It was hands down one of the, if not the, best kiss of my life. I don’t know if it was the build-up at the time, my constant experience with men who suck at kissing, or my current raw emotions, but as of right now he can keep that title.

The following night I ask him out to dinner and took him home. We hooked up and I was blown away. So of course, like any person who has been deprived of good sex for a long time, had him over for too many late nights during the work week.

Were either of us getting quality sleep? No. Was it the most fun I had in a long time? Absolutely.

Then all of a sudden we were spending a lot of time together. More than just late nights, more than just evening dates. We were sharing our work days and our work lives with one another. We’d sometimes get lunch together. He was taking me to events. I met his friends. He slept over 3-4 nights a week. We shared deep stuff going on in our lives.

That shit scared me. A lot.

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I’d been a serial monogamous. Been in three three-year relationships. All so different from one another, but all-in-all, bad. None of them ended well. I was cheated on in every single one.

The first one I was so god damn young that I can’t fault either of us at that time anymore. We’ve learned and grown and after probably more years than I’m proud of, I forgave him.

The second was a rebound from the first; it just happened to last three whole years. We were co-dependent in a way that was toxic for both of us, but we were just college kids who hadn’t ever been in truly healthy relationships before then. I don’t know if forgiveness is the right word in this one, but I’ve learned to let go of my baggage from it.

The third one...was a nightmare. It wasn’t at first and we had two beautiful years, but that last year was brutal. He lied to me. He cheated on me. He called me a cunt. He gaslit me. He harmed my growth when I became a more independent person...the list can go on.

The point is, I hadn’t been lucky in love yet. I had a pattern of loving hard and not receiving that equal love back. Additionally, I hadn’t truly ever been my own person yet. Moving to Portland was my first big step into becoming my own person, and breaking up with ex #3 was my second. So unfolding myself to this new person, and potentially building a life with him in this city that I had built a life for myself, fucking terrified me.

Because of all that, I was selfish. Selfish that was not in any way fair to him. I loved the way he made me feel, the way he treated me, the sex, etc., that I refused to address the relationship that was building between us. I didn’t want to lose what we had, but I was also too afraid to let him into a bigger part of my life and my plans.

Where I was at in my process at that time was too focused on what if it doesn’t go according to plan? What if he breaks my heart? What happens when I get a job outside of Portland?

I set that stage of what our relationship was because I wanted to control as much as I could of what was going to happen to me. I wanted to be as calculated as possible in order to not fall victim to my past mistakes.

By the time I had decided to fully open up though, to be as vulnerable as he’d been with me, it was too late.

Things had changed and I was too busy worrying about me to fully see that.

I will take ownership of my selfishness in the situation. I will take ownership in my over communication but not the clearest communication. I will take ownership of the fact that I was not in the right place for something that could’ve been so beautiful.

BUT - all that being said, there’s some ownership I wish he’d take. Like for letting me walk all over him like that. For not being more clear on his wants and needs. For not following through on his words and apologies. For not acknowledging that maybe he was just as not ready for this as I was. And lastly, for not letting me go when he should’ve.

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For almost two whole months we played games. And I don’t play games.

He gave me “what, do we go back to being strangers?” and “You’re such an important part of my life and I’m not ready to lose you.”

At first, yes I said maybe we shouldn’t talk. A week later I changed my mind on that, and the second I did I let him know. After that, I tried to be as accommodating to his state of mind, his career, and his bandwidth. I was honestly fine because at that point I had accepted where he was and where I was, and I was willing to see what our next check-in would bring.

When I was no longer fine was when that check-in came up and he blew me off. For the first time if felt like his actions and his words didn’t align, and that hurt. We were supposed to get coffee, and I stupidly was too excited for such a mundane hang out. It had been so long since I’d seen him, and at that point, I was just happy to hear about his life. To catch up. This person had been a part of my daily life for four months and then all of a sudden dropped off the face of the planet.

When he never reached back out about coffee that day though, I felt such a change. This amazingly incredible person I had built up in my head - shattered.

I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Give him a full day to respond. That night I did happen to go out with some friends I’d never really spent time with before. While I was out I ran into one of his friends, who seemed to know more about my relationship than I did at that moment.

It felt like salt being poured on an open wound.

The next day I confronted him via text, my least favorite platform. I expressed how upset I was with him, which was hard for me to do since this was my first time being truly angry / upset / disappointed in him. He sent me a very politically correct response but did offer to meet up that night to chat.

So we did. We drove around in his car for an hour because that’s about all the time he had. And I did appreciate every moment of that hour.

He apologized in the way every person in a fight with someone they care about should apologize. He validated my feelings, told me I didn’t have to forgive him at that moment, took full ownership of the situation, and promised to do better.

The thing is though, he didn’t do better. a pattern formed before my eyes.

After the conversation, I sent him a long text. All of me hated sending a text like that, but I knew I had thoughts I needed to get off my chest and there was no other way to do it given our circumstances.

No response. Which I expected at that moment because I sent the message so late.

But then a day went by, and two days, and then a week, and then two weeks.

Wow.

How am I supposed to believe any of these sentiments - “what, do we go back to being strangers?” “You’re such an important part of my life and I’m not ready to lose you” - ring any truth when this is the way I keep being treated?

So we come up on week two of no response, and I end up at an event put on by his work. My office sponsored a couple tables at the event, which I went on behalf of the office but also because I wanted to get the closure I felt I deserved at that point.

I took a big risk praying that A: he’d want to talk to me, and B: offer me a ride home so that we can actually talk. My phone was dead, I hadn’t driven there, and all my coworkers left before the end of the event.

A buzzed me took a giant sip of wine and walked over to his table at the end of the event boldly saying “are you gonna act like you didn’t see me tonight?”

He flashed that god damn smile of his that gets me every time and gave me some runaround. I still don’t believe he didn’t see me. I digress.

I make the rounds I need to with him in order to get to my end goal, to actually having the sit-down conversation I needed. That was hard for me since the last time I did that with him we were “together,” and I’m sure all of those people know no different.

Shots were fired, jabs were made, but we made it that conversation I’d been desperately seeking. It wasn’t the conversation I wanted, but the one I needed.

That shit hit cold; not only because it was the official ending of an era of my life, but also I felt I didn’t articulate myself the way I wish I had. Which I guess is why I’ve spent three hours in the middle of the night writing all this out.

Afterthoughts of that night:

I am done apologizing for my faults in the situation because I’ve done that more than deserved.

I am tired of him using the excuse that he’s made it clear where he’s at mentally as a dismissal for his mishandling of me and my emotions in this situation.

I don't know if we’ll ever see eye-to-eye on the above statement because of our communication styles and our defensive levels for ourselves.

I tried so hard to actively avoid getting hurt in this “situationship,” yet this just as painful and torturous as all my other serious breakups.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry at but so concerned for someone at the same time.

From a third-party viewpoint, it’s easy to objectively list out all the reasons this relationship would never work (there’s A LOT). Somehow those rationalizations don’t make this hurt any less, and that fucking sucks.

I will never be able to listen to Miguel the same way.

I do truly hope there is a point in our lives that we can be friends again.

I’m done putting him on a pedestal, but he is the best person I’ve ever dated. I do genuinely hope the best for him because despite how fucked up this situation was/is, he’s a wonderful person at his core with his own demons to face.

WHAT DID I LEARN THOUGH??

This has been hard to tap into, but I know it’s vital to think through in order to get over this situation.

God’s timing is funny, but there’s a reason for everything.

Do not use the apps unless you’re ready to pursue a relationship; they cause more emotional labor / drama than you want or need

That organic personality / sexual chemistry is essential. There’s a lot to work on in relationships, but that shouldn’t be one of them.

You can’t start a relationship / situationship when you’re emotionally unavailable.

Work on the balance of being there for someone and being selfless to the point of self-sabotage.

The date bar has been set - don’t settle for a man who can’t afford to treat you like you deserve to be treated (as a feminist I’m torn by this statement, but as a woman who loves to be romanced...whoops).

Continue to take your time with relationships. This one may have failed, but that wasn’t because of taking it slow.

Being with someone who inherently understands your background and values in invaluable.

The second you recognize a pattern, address it and move forward / get out.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This was fucking rough. So fucking rough.

I went through such a roller coaster of emotions today. For the first time in my life, I am the single friend of my core friend group. I’m also alone here in Portland and breaching a point where I’m about to outgrow my core friends in their life stages.

Fuck, my baby girl is getting married soon. My brother is moving in with his girlfriend. And I’m over here wondering if the rest of my life is going to consist of a bad work/life balance, too much booze, bad dates, and worse sex?

Also, if anything I’m so god damn afraid to open up to someone ever again. Because what if that person says their willing to wait because “I’m worth it” and then this happens, all over again. How many times do I have to go through this until I find the one?

Agh. Clearly, there’s still a lot to work through. And at least I’ve learned that despite this absolutely awful sex drought, the drought is better than giving a piece of yourself away to every shitty guy who wants to get in your pants on every dating app.

Dating in Portland though? Slim pickings. Which make finding that spark with someone again feel almost like an impossible feat.

Hopefully when I go to bed, this’ll all get a little easier. Day by day. Because time heals all wounds right?

One of the worst expressions to an impatient person though.

Alright, goodnight Internet.

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P.S.

Who knows if I’ll ever be bold enough to send this to the man himself, but if I do, this is a raw emotional rendition of me and I hope you take that into consideration as you read it.

Bye Rico, what we had was so special, but such a fucking mess. I’ll miss you quite terribly.

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finalvlog-a · 6 years ago

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[ A very descriptive and detailed profile of your muse ]

REPOST with the information of your muse, including headcanons, etc. If you fail to achieve some of the facts, add some other of your own! ( If you’re in doubt on some hover over them to discover what you should put in there! )

When you’re done, tag 15 other people to do the same!~ TAGGED BY: No one, stole from @revealedsins // placing under a read more because this is A LOT.

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“NAME” / ALIASES: Alex Josiah Kalinsky. AJ. AGE: 22-25 SPECIES: Human. GENDER: Cis Male. PROFESSION: Vlogger/Online personality. STATUS: Single

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PHYSICAL ASPECTS

BODY TYPE: Alex is short and naturally skinny, but he works out regularly to get some muscle and body mass on him. He’s still slim, still shorter in stature but he is strong. HAIR: A brown that borders on dirty blonde with hints of red at times. It has a natural curl to it that will grow out of control if he lets it. For the past four years or so he’s taken to keeping it cut short to avoid curls but that means haircuts at LEAST once a month. If he misses a few haircuts he will take to wearing a beanie. EYES: Large, round eyes, down turned at the outer edges but very expressive. Because of this he tends to keep a neutral expression, bordering on RBF (resting bitch face) with a concerned furrow to his brow. He’s been told he has a deer in the headlight looks when surprised. They’re a bright green color. SKIN: Pale skin with an underlying olive complexion from his mom. If he goes out in the sun he has the tendency to tan rather than burn. Alex’s skin is smooth for his age, he’s often mistaken for being up to a decade younger than he is. HEIGHT: 5′7” WEIGHT: Anywhere from 140-155 due to his muscle mass. When he stops working out he drops the weight FAST and has been as low as 125 lbs before. SIZES: He has no idea.

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FAMILY

SIBLINGS: Alex is an only child. His parents were told they wouldn’t be able to conceive in the first place. So he was considered very much their miracle child. PARENTS: His mother is Tova Malka (last name Kalinsky after getting married). His Father is David Kalinsky. Both are MD’s, his father specializing in cardiology as a surgeon and his mother a psychologist. His mother is a Jewish Israeli, born in Ashdod, Israel. His father was born in New York City, from parents that immigrated from Germany shortly before his birth. David, and his parents also practices Judaism. GRANDPARENTS: On his mother’s side his grandmother is Esther Malka, grandfather Dov Malka. Both live in Israel still but visit the states and vice versa. On his father’s side his grandmother is Nadina Kalinsky, grandfather Walter Kalinsky. He has met and grown up with both sets of grandparents. OTHER RELATIVES: A LOT. His mom alone has one older sister (Amaris), two younger brothers (Davi and Elias). Her older sister, Amaris is married to a woman named Mary and they have three children together. Davi is married to a woman named Adele and has two children, Elias is unmarried. His father has one younger sister, named Johanna that went missing when she was twenty seven. ANY PETS?: yes [] || no [ x ] IF YES WHICH AND HOW MANY? — N/A.

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SKILLS

PHYSICAL

ENDURANCE - Bordering on absurd. Alex will endure more than he should. It could get him killed even (hahaha). He can take a beating and his endurance for mental manipulation is fairly strong too, but he’ll cave mentally before he does physically most likely. If someone can be patient with him, they can exhaust him.

HAND TO HAND COMBAT - Very good. Better than the average person. He has been doing wrestling since he was a kid, boxing since high school, and took some akido in college. Boxing is where he excels.

GUNS AND WEAPONS TRAINING - Alex knows how to handle a gun. He was in a shooting club throughout college, skeet specifically. He got into timed course shooting with handguns on his own. Alex took to the sport with a natural inclination. He’s better with a rifle/long distance than handguns but he is capable at both.

ATHLETIC - He lifts weights and does strength training on his own to stay fit, to keep muscle mass. Hannah forced him to go running each morning and he keeps active on the road with push ups, burpees, star jumps, anything really. He doesn’t want to be skinny, which his body naturally trends towards without work put in.

NON-PHYSICAL

FAST THINKING / INTUITION / ADAPTABILITY - Alex has proven time and time again he can adjust to a situation and will try to think his way out of it. When at the Revival he keeps calm, listens, watches the crowd, and picks up on the ONE guy openly carrying. Alex keeps him in his line of sight and when Mark threatens to blow their cover he steps in and with a single word “Relax” he calms him down. He remembers that they have a pocket cam, he is able to figure out they can upload to the cloud backup he has that will automatically push the upload to the YouTube channel. Alex takes things in stride and will remain optimistic, probably because of his ability to quickly analyze a situation and come up with a plan or way out. Where others lose hope he holds strong to it.

CALM IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS - To a dangerous degree it may seem. This will get expanded upon in major experiences but Alex keeps a level head in almost any situation. Part of why he did so well with the subject matter of their vlogs was his ability to calm people down and maintain that calm himself as well. He only panics when he loses all control of a situation or sees someone else getting hurt or possibly hurt. For example when he can’t prevent Mark from being dragged to the river for the baptism, it’s the first glimpse we have of Alex panicking, trying to make a deal. “We won’t say shit!!” He tries to come to an agreement that saves Mark from getting hurt. He fails but he tries to appease the Baptist.

COOPERATION- Alex is a very stubborn individual but he is great at getting along with other people. He has spent years working on the vlog alongside his two best friends and so he’s gotten used to working in a group, so long as the group is people he trusts. Alex is a great person to collaborate on and an easy mind to bounce ideas off of but his sometimes blunt honesty turns people off of him or his advice.

TRAITS

—— POSITIVE ——-

Loyal

Intelligent

Charismatic

Witty

Calm

Friendly

Brave

Compassionate

——- NEGATIVE ——-

Stubborn

Skeptical

Disassociation

Reckless

Compulsive

Single-minded

Disruptive

Blunt

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MAJOR EXPERIENCES

[ TW for some childhood bullying/mental trauma ref. ]

Alex was born with some health complications as a premature child, and his mom had preeclampsia as well. For the first three years of Alex’s life he was in and out of the hospital due to asthma and respiratory complications. Eventually he grew out of his asthma, but it’s something his parents never let him forget. That he is LUCKY to be alive.

From a young age Alex was taught the value of humanity and compassion. His parents would remind him that they worked hard to get where they were to have the income and money they did. His paternal grandparents didn’t have an easy life and immigrating to the United States had been a struggle, even with his grandfather being a well-established doctor. His mom and dad did not want him to take for granted what he was given. From the archery lessons to Hebrew School and everything in between. He remembers when he first understood the impact of donating some of his presents to kids in need on his birthday and the holidays. When he turned ten he stopped accepting gifts altogether except from his grandparents and would instead volunteer with his parents at shelters or the hospitals they respectively worked at.

On that note, he did grow up immersed in medicine but he had NO desire to pursue it. His father was disappointed at first, yes, but he supported Alex in whatever he decided would catch his eye. Neither his mom nor dad tried to force him into a field like medicine when he wasn’t intrigued by it. He did want to do something to help other people, but medicine wasn’t how he wanted to go about it. Because while his parents were there for him as much as they could be, they still had a good amount of absences because of their work and how often they would travel for it. His father with doctors without borders and his mother to conferences. Medicine had to be your LIFE and Alex was too interested in everything else to commit to it.

His first episode happened when he was thirteen years old. School hadn’t been going well; he was bullied for his curly hair, his big eyes and small stature. Leading up to the holiday break it’d gotten especially bad. Alex had been feeling strange for days, in a deep sadness, a sensation of approaching dread. Nothing felt real, it all felt pointless, and he was struggling to connect with those around him. Around this time the whole family was visiting for Hanukkah, including all of his cousins. The kids were playing off on their own and Alex, being the youngest was being picked on, as usual. They teased him for his big green eyes and how expressive they were and so on and so forth. Kid stuff. Alex walked over to his eldest cousin, seventeen at the time and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. Not even with just his fists, but with the nearest piece of furniture he could grab – a candlestick. The other kids didn’t do anything, too shocked by the sudden outburst of violence. One of the girls screamed and by the time the adults got there Alex had stopped hitting, but his cousin’s nose was broken, a couple of teeth lost and hairline fractures to boot. He was unconscious. Hanukkah was called off, and the family spent their respective holidays in the hospital or at home. Alex was admitted to a hospital to try and figure out what happened to make him respond the way he did. When asked he simply said it wasn’t real and that his cousin wasn’t there. It was just someone or something but not someone he knew. Just shapes. Alex hadn’t even recognized his cousin’s face or really taken in the words said prior. It was all a blur of sounds and shapes, and colors but none of it connected to him. Eventually he talked about the excessive bullying at school, about how he’d been locked in a janitor’s closet after they’d spilled some of the cleaning supplies, how his lungs burned, and other events. He’d been keeping it from his parents and the teachers, not wanting to cause a problem and figuring he could handle it. Alex didn’t think them a big deal, but the psychologists pointed towards the months of bullying as a potential trigger for what had happened. He was switched to a different school soon after, but he refused to ever name the kids that had left him with bruises and mental trauma he figured wasn’t that big of a deal.

Alex was diagnosed with a minor dissociative disorder brought on by the general stress and anxiety of being bullied. His derealization of the situation with his cousin compounded the situation and he was put on medication. Eventually, after years of therapy he got through the worst of his symptoms but he still struggles with this now and then, and he was never the same. Alex can swing between over-empathizing or detaching himself, he tries to stay in the middle ground, but it isn’t easy.

After that event he never really smiled the way he used to as a kid. His smiles became reserved, muted expressions. Of course he could still smile and he could pretend to be happy but Alex crafted a very specific persona. One that would come in handy for the vlog he’d later help found. He’s a good person at heart, wants to help others, is comfortable with his friends, but he still struggles.

When Alex left for college his parents were concerned about him potentially relapsing into another dissociative episode. To try and prevent this from happening he threw himself into EVERYTHING feet first. Clubs, classes, events, everything. Alex had his own dorm room and being by himself held the potential for a relapse so he kept busy and was often seen out on the campus green or in the library. Very quickly people grew to like him and his casual but genuine attitude. When he met Hannah the two clicked instantly and he was so happy to have a friend to spend time with. Sara was met within the next week and another friend was made. He would talk with other people but these were the first two he connected to and the only ones that mattered to him ultimately.

In addition to his activity on campus he was busy online. Alex was ridiculously popular on vine, to the point of being recognized as he walked to his classes. He had a YouTube channel that was a borderline casual blog/how-to do things that covered a variety of topics and had hilarious failures. His instagram was popular by proxy of vine and he was into the hundreds of thousands of subscribers across his different platforms. He was accepted into the journalism school around this time but the courses seemed easy and like something he could teach himself so he opted for challenging himself with linear algebra and flowcharts in computer science. Nonetheless he had a love for journalism and digging into the heart of a story, along with a passion for technology. Which was how TRUTH SEEKING TRIO STARTED. He was at a party when he overheard some frat guys bragging about their fraternities history – including having KILLED a guy. Alex was skeptical but intrigued. He would end up getting Sara involved with his conspiracy theory about them ACTUALLY having killed a guy. The two would spend late nights at the library researching the fraternities’ past while Hannah was roped in as well, playing reconnaissance and watching the group. Alex ended up infiltrating as a new ‘brother’ and after a few months he actually found a skeleton in the basement. Literally. A skeleton. The police were called, alumni were arrested and the trio skyrocketed to fame after they posted a video that recorded all of their experiences to Alex’s YouTube channel.

Shortly thereafter they began taking on more stories, more urban legends, recording and posting it to a newly minted name of TRUTH SEEKING TRIO. Their videos would go viral, their personalities on camera were well liked and Alex had the benefit of a strong online following already. Eventually they moved from urban legends to real life issues. People began writing them, asking for their sleuthing help when the cops had turned a blind eye or the law wouldn’t help them anymore.

The last of the letters they received was from a guy named Mark, out of Hope County, Montana.

—————————————————————————

LIKES

COLOURS: He likes sunsets and sunrises, the oranges and purples. Red is also a favorite, same with greens but mostly for wearing. I.E. that plaid shirt SMELLS: Alfalfa in the summertime. Mint toothpaste. He uses mostly unscented soap and naturally gravitates towards hints of freshly cut grass scent. FOOD: Spicy food is his favorite. Anything new. He has a weakness for gummy bears. FRUITS: Blueberries, peaches, bananas. DRINKS: Water, coffee, black tea, energy drinks. ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES? yes [] || no [ x ] IF YES, WHICH ONES?: None

—————————————————————-

OTHER DETAILS

SMOKES? yes [] || no [ x ] DRUGS?: yes [] || no [ x ] DRIVER LICENSE?: yes [ x ] || no [] EVER BEEN ARRESTED? yes [ x ] || no []

—————————————————————————

DONE! NOW TAG OTHER 15 PEOPLE [ OR MORE IF YOU WANT ] TO DO IT: This is a hell of a ride, so if you want to, please do, just tag me!

#➴ UPLOADS … alex headcanons #✪ SAVE FILE … memories #//this is...a lot of information #but something i've been meaning to write for a while #especially after rewatching IEG #YEAH #Do not blame anyone for not reading this #it's more for my own reference #but if you do uh you get my love and gratitude

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finalvlog · 3 years ago

Text

[ A very descriptive and detailed profile of your muse ] REPOST with the information of your muse, including headcanons, etc. If you fail to achieve some of the facts, add some other of your own! ( If you’re in doubt on some hover over them to discover what you should put in there! ) When you’re done, tag 15 other people to do the same!~

TAGGED BY: No one, I stole it // placing under a read more because this is A LOT. —————————————————————————- “NAME” / ALIASES: Alex Josiah Kalinsky / AJ. AGE: 23 at time of Hope County events, 26 present time. SPECIES: Human. GENDER: Cis Male. PROFESSION: Vlogger/Online personality. STATUS: Single —————————————————————————-

PHYSICAL ASPECTS

BODY TYPE: Alex is short and naturally skinny, but he works out regularly to get some muscle and body mass on him. He’s still slim, still shorter in stature but he is strong.

HAIR: A brown that borders on dirty blonde with hints of red at times. It has a natural curl to it that will grow out of control if he lets it. For the past four years or so he’s taken to keeping it cut short to avoid curls but that means haircuts at LEAST once a month. If he misses a few haircuts he will take to wearing a beanie.

EYES: Large, round eyes, down turned at the outer edges but very expressive. Because of this he tends to keep a neutral expression, bordering on RBF (resting bitch face) with a concerned furrow to his brow. He’s been told he has a deer in the headlight looks when surprised. They’re a bright green color.

SKIN: Pale skin with an underlying olive complexion from his mom. If he goes out in the sun he has the tendency to tan rather than burn. Alex’s skin is smooth for his age, he’s often mistaken for being up way younger than he is.

HEIGHT: 5′7”

WEIGHT: Anywhere from 140-155 due to his muscle mass. When he stops working out he drops the weight FAST and has been as low as 125 lbs before.

SIZES: He has no idea.

—————————————————————————-

FAMILY

SIBLINGS: Alex is an only child. His parents were told they wouldn’t be able to conceive in the first place. So he was considered very much their miracle child. PARENTS: His mother is Tova Malka (second last name Kalinsky after getting married). His Father is David Kalinsky. Both are MD’s, his father specializing in cardiology as a surgeon and his mother a neuro-psychologist specializing in healing from brain trauma. His mother is Jewish Israeli, born in Ashdod, Israel. His father was born in New York City, from parents that immigrated from Germany shortly before his birth. David, and his parents also practice Judaism. GRANDPARENTS: On his mother’s side his grandmother is Esther Malka, grandfather Dov Malka. Both live in Israel still but visit the states and vice versa. On his father’s side his grandmother is Nadina Kalinsky, grandfather Walter Kalinsky. He has met and grown up with both sets of grandparents. OTHER RELATIVES: A LOT. His mom alone has one older sister (Amaris), two younger brothers (Davi and Elias). Her older sister, Amaris is married to a woman named Mary and they have three children together. Davi is married to a woman named Adele and has two children, Elias is unmarried. His father has one younger sister, named Johanna that went missing when she was twenty seven. ANY PETS?: yes [] || no [ x ] IF YES WHICH AND HOW MANY? — N/A.

—————————————————————————-

SKILLS

PHYSICAL

HAND TO HAND COMBAT - Very good. Better than the average person. He has been doing wrestling since he was a kid, boxing since high school, and took some akido in college. Boxing is where he excels.

NON-PHYSICAL

TRAITS

—— POSITIVE ——-

Loyal

Intelligent

Charismatic

Witty

Calm

Friendly

Brave

Compassionate

——- NEGATIVE ——-

Stubborn

Skeptical

Distant

Reckless

Compulsive

Single-minded

Disruptive

Blunt

—————————————————————————-

MAJOR EXPERIENCES

[ TW for some childhood bullying/mental trauma ref. ]

The last of the letters they received was from a guy named Mark, out of Hope County, Montana.

—————————————————————————

LIKES

—————————————————————-

OTHER DETAILS

SMOKES? yes [] || no [ x ] DRUGS?: yes [] || no [ x ] DRIVER LICENSE?: yes [ x ] || no [] EVER BEEN ARRESTED? yes [ x ] || no []

—————————————————————————

DONE! NOW TAG OTHER 15 PEOPLE [ OR MORE IF YOU WANT ] TO DO IT: This is a hell of a ride, so if you want to, please do, just tag me!

#UPLOADS ( headcanons )#BUFFERING ( queue )#// more headcanons ahoy

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