#what about how wierd it is to even realize you're ace like how do you even reflect on the LACK of something

[itlearns]

Successfully missed asexuality day but my take today is positivity and memes are cool and important but we should whine and complain more.

[beanghostprincess]

You know I was thinking, how will Luffy about turning 20 and 21? Because when he turns 20, he wont be younger than Ace anymore, and when he turns 21, he'll officially be older than he ever was. Similarly, how will Law feel about turning 27 and becoming older than how Corasan ever was? It's something that was in the back of my mind. I knew some people who lost certain loved ones who were older than them, and when they got older than them... it just felt wierd, that's how they describe it. Bittersweet some have told me.

(Sorry in advance if this makes you sad)

I would yell at you and be angry at how sad this thought makes me, but on the other hand, I just love angst a very insane amount, so this is exactly the type of thing I absolutely love.

I think that Luffy doesn't focus much on age. He focuses on birthdays, of course, I think he'd love birthdays (both for the food and the meaning behind it. I personally think he loves throwing big birthday parties for the crew members because he likes celebrating that they're alive and growing together. Especially when it comes to Robin, Sanji and Brook tbh). But I think he'd feel uneasy when somebody makes a comment about how old and tall he's getting. Like, Sabo would make an innocent comment like "You're growing up so fast, Luf!" and Jinbe (for example) would compare him to Ace the way everyone does, with a proud smile and saying "You look so much like your brother, captain! Might even get taller than him!". And Luffy laughs at that because he's supposedly over Ace's death. He should be. But after a long while thinking about it in the middle of the party, I think he'd start wondering about growing up and the fact that he's getting older than Ace. That Ace will never experience growing up with them. That Luffy never got to spend his last years together because they were apart living their own adventures. And, you know, the fact that he's already accepted his death doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to feel older than your older brother. I think Sabo would notice right away that something's wrong and ask what's going on. And Luffy would just say something like "Ace was twenty when I let him die" (he still has to fix the wording. It's a work in progress) and Sabo understands because now Sabo can't argue against Ace about who's the oldest. Now Sabo is the oldest. And Sabo would try to make things better by placing his arm around Luffy's shoulder and saying: "Well, if it makes you feel any better, just think about his face if he knew you might get older than him! He'd get soo pissed about it! [...] And he'd be so proud of you for growing up, Luf. He'd be so happy, with that big smirk of his and the dumb tilt of head, y'know?". And Sabo just has the right words to make Luffy feel better about growing taller and older than Ace, because he knows that if he's looking after him somewhere, he's smiling wide.

I think the Law thing is harder than this. Because for Law, growing up older than his own father makes him feel guilty. Survivor guilt complex type of shit, you know? He got out of there alive but Cora-san didn't and... And it's just fucked up and unfair and Law just fucking hates this specific birthday. Normally, he doesn't care much about growing up and his birthday, but he ends up having fun because it's just impossible not to do so when Shachi, Penguin, and Bepo always want to throw a party for him. But this time, when he realizes he's getting older than Cora, it hits him. Like a fucking truck. Because he doesn't feel mature enough. He doesn't feel like he has done enough stuff for Cora to be proud (which is stupid because Cora would be proud of him but, y'know, Law's thoughts). He doesn't feel like he deserves to grow up older than his own father. It'd be a hard thing to swallow, honestly. I think he wouldn't stop repeating the words "I love you" in his head, mixed with "Don't try to find a reason for somebody's love" over and over again, trying to make everything better. Because he knows he's acting stupid. But he just can't get over the fact that Cora was this young when he acted like a whole father to him. Law doesn't feel half as mature. But then Bepo (because he's just like that. Caring, loving, Bepo) says something about being glad Law is alive and with them, and it just shatters Law completely. I think Bepo would stay with him for a while in his room until Law just stands up and says something (very softly and trying to keep the waters calm, bc he knows how Bepo is) about throwing a little party. And I think that comment would make him feel a bit better, because Cora fought for him to be alive. He shouldn't waste the gift Cora gave him.

[bowl-of-shortness]

*Sending this anonymously since I'm not out* (please don't try to out me, I will cry. If you think you might know who I am, pls don't ask if you're right. I have anxiety and I'm scared to share this as is)

So what you said about being asexual and demiromantic and not feeling like you can contribute to conversations, I FELT that.

I feel like the only way to join conversations about attractive people is by lying. I feel so guilty because I have never figured out what else to do. They all just look like people?

I've literally created a checklist in my head of society's standards because I have no idea what else to judge on. Calling everyone beautiful feels so fake but to me they just... are. People are only "ugly" to me when they're mean. Like to me, beauty is based on personality and I dont understand how other people do it. How can you rate a face without a story? (Like I can only do that when I assume things about people's lives based on their looks??? And it's normally wrong assumptions because "don't judge people based off looks alone" is correct??? Yet people just... do this? Like "they're hot" but isn't that what you're not supposed to do, like???)

I recently came out to my best friends as ace, and even then, they still bring it up every time they're rating people or talking attractive characters, as in the "we know you have no opinion or whatever" and I hate it. Like now that they know I'm ace, it feels like they're actively pushing me out of conversations or want to see what an ace rates them as. (They wouldn't if I asked, but it's kinda fun to participate, I feel more normal. Even if I am just lying) I feel a bit uncomfortable rating people because they think it's based of asthetics but to me I'm just making up numbers. (Its less lying now that they know I'm not sexually attracted to people, but it still hurts. It's nice that they recognize I don't relate and I'm not banning a conversation topic, it just hurts and I'll just take it silently instead of making a fuss. I guess this is just what I was just born to endure, huh.)

Literally, people used to ask me if my ex (SO at the time) was cute or whatever and I always said yes. I was making it up because ya know, I didn't feel that way. I had NO sexual attraction to them but I sold that lie to be normal. I finally came to terms with the fact that I am asexual recently, almost a year to the date I broke up with the only SO I ever forced myself to have. (That tale is a tragedy and I have massive amounts of guilt for the lies I told them to sell that I was a normal hetero cis person. I did so much wrong by them and I hope someday I can forgive myself for it.)

I thought I was bi when I first let myself belive I'm not a normal straight because I felt the same level of attraction across the gender spectrum. (I accepted how I felt about the person of the opposite gender was a crush and then realized I felt the same way about someone of the same gender. That was a crisis) Zero equals zero, wasn't really lying.

Anyway, all that to say that:

You are valid and realateable AF. Conversations about attraction is so uncomfortable and isolating and I'm so thankful you're brave enough to bring it up

I'm also really trying to figure out if I'm panromantic, or demiromantic, or whatever and I'm unsure what to do. Why can't there just be an accurate uquiz.... :(

Like, I think I may be demi something because I have literally only ever had "crushes" on my best friends. I'm not 100% sure what a crush is, but I'm assuming that when I tell myself "don't think of your friends like that, that's wierd" that I'm just mad at myself for acquiring a crush on my bestie.

I have no one to talk to about this because they are firm believers in not dating friends (both have been burned) and I am terrified they'll find out that I can't imagine a relationship with anyone other than a best friend. Like what do I do? I'm so tired fam. I don't think they will be mad if I tell them I'm demi romantic (I'm currently going with panromantic since that just seems easier) and I'm scared they'll find out I realized my sexuality through crushed I had on them, since they're opposite genders and I've had the same "crush" on both of them.

Only wanting romance with friends is so hard because to most people, friends aren't for dating but for talking about potential dates and I hate it.

It's nice to know that I'm following a fellow ace person who gets the romantic struggle. I think you're an icon, and I'm glad that you're in a place where you can be out.

I know we're not close or anything, but I'm really happy to know that there's someone else out there who I can relate to when I can't say a word anywhere else. I hate keeping up the charade, but I'm not in the kind of place where I can drop it. If you're interested in my situation and why I'm forever closeted, I've got quite the tale. but I've ranted enough here. (I won't force my life story on you, I know you want a positive blog and this ramble isn't very positive. I can shut up and vanish if you never want to hear from me again)

Thanks for having your anons on <3

I wish I could dm you and just chat (if you were even interested) but I can't (IRL people know my Tumblr and I dont want to make a new one unless it's necessary.) If there's anything you wanna chat about, I hope I stumble across it on my dash. I hope its okay if I hide behind anon asks.

Thanks for representing people like me. Sorry for the ramble, I guess I needed to get more off my mind than I realized. Thanks for being a safe space to vibe for a while. It's nice to be around other, perfectly valid people like me. I look up to you in a sense ♡

(But seriously, if this is too much drama and you don't want me to do this again, you don't even need to post this I won't bother you again without your consent)

I- wow.

That’s really all I can say.

I’m very glad that you feel just as recognized here as an asexual as you should be. And I know what every single one of these struggles is like. Personally, I never Liked to force things onto myself which has been Both a blessing and a curse.

It’s great because I don’t have to deal with a relationship but over time people stop wanting to be around you for it. But eventually, I found a friend group who respected what I did and didn’t want to talk about. And unfortunately even though some people may be nice and friendly to you, that doesn’t mean that you and that person are going to click.

I think you might want to start being more open about not wanting to talk about these things when you’re around them, and if that’s scary and difficult, start small. I get it. But the more you stay quiet and the more morning is going to change.

So yea, I don’t mind the ask! I guess I didn’t even realize that me just openly existing as Aspec was a huge thing to a lot of people, so I’m glad I could help, I hope everything gets better for you anon. Have a lovely day/afternoon/evening 💖💖💖