#what about how wierd it is to even realize you're ace like how do you even reflect on the LACK of something

[itlearns]

Successfully missed asexuality day but my take today is positivity and memes are cool and important but we should whine and complain more.

[bowl-of-shortness]

*Sending this anonymously since I'm not out* (please don't try to out me, I will cry. If you think you might know who I am, pls don't ask if you're right. I have anxiety and I'm scared to share this as is)

So what you said about being asexual and demiromantic and not feeling like you can contribute to conversations, I FELT that.

I feel like the only way to join conversations about attractive people is by lying. I feel so guilty because I have never figured out what else to do. They all just look like people?

I've literally created a checklist in my head of society's standards because I have no idea what else to judge on. Calling everyone beautiful feels so fake but to me they just... are. People are only "ugly" to me when they're mean. Like to me, beauty is based on personality and I dont understand how other people do it. How can you rate a face without a story? (Like I can only do that when I assume things about people's lives based on their looks??? And it's normally wrong assumptions because "don't judge people based off looks alone" is correct??? Yet people just... do this? Like "they're hot" but isn't that what you're not supposed to do, like???)

I recently came out to my best friends as ace, and even then, they still bring it up every time they're rating people or talking attractive characters, as in the "we know you have no opinion or whatever" and I hate it. Like now that they know I'm ace, it feels like they're actively pushing me out of conversations or want to see what an ace rates them as. (They wouldn't if I asked, but it's kinda fun to participate, I feel more normal. Even if I am just lying) I feel a bit uncomfortable rating people because they think it's based of asthetics but to me I'm just making up numbers. (Its less lying now that they know I'm not sexually attracted to people, but it still hurts. It's nice that they recognize I don't relate and I'm not banning a conversation topic, it just hurts and I'll just take it silently instead of making a fuss. I guess this is just what I was just born to endure, huh.)

Literally, people used to ask me if my ex (SO at the time) was cute or whatever and I always said yes. I was making it up because ya know, I didn't feel that way. I had NO sexual attraction to them but I sold that lie to be normal. I finally came to terms with the fact that I am asexual recently, almost a year to the date I broke up with the only SO I ever forced myself to have. (That tale is a tragedy and I have massive amounts of guilt for the lies I told them to sell that I was a normal hetero cis person. I did so much wrong by them and I hope someday I can forgive myself for it.)

I thought I was bi when I first let myself belive I'm not a normal straight because I felt the same level of attraction across the gender spectrum. (I accepted how I felt about the person of the opposite gender was a crush and then realized I felt the same way about someone of the same gender. That was a crisis) Zero equals zero, wasn't really lying.

Anyway, all that to say that:

You are valid and realateable AF. Conversations about attraction is so uncomfortable and isolating and I'm so thankful you're brave enough to bring it up

I'm also really trying to figure out if I'm panromantic, or demiromantic, or whatever and I'm unsure what to do. Why can't there just be an accurate uquiz.... :(

Like, I think I may be demi something because I have literally only ever had "crushes" on my best friends. I'm not 100% sure what a crush is, but I'm assuming that when I tell myself "don't think of your friends like that, that's wierd" that I'm just mad at myself for acquiring a crush on my bestie.

I have no one to talk to about this because they are firm believers in not dating friends (both have been burned) and I am terrified they'll find out that I can't imagine a relationship with anyone other than a best friend. Like what do I do? I'm so tired fam. I don't think they will be mad if I tell them I'm demi romantic (I'm currently going with panromantic since that just seems easier) and I'm scared they'll find out I realized my sexuality through crushed I had on them, since they're opposite genders and I've had the same "crush" on both of them.

Only wanting romance with friends is so hard because to most people, friends aren't for dating but for talking about potential dates and I hate it.

It's nice to know that I'm following a fellow ace person who gets the romantic struggle. I think you're an icon, and I'm glad that you're in a place where you can be out.

I know we're not close or anything, but I'm really happy to know that there's someone else out there who I can relate to when I can't say a word anywhere else. I hate keeping up the charade, but I'm not in the kind of place where I can drop it. If you're interested in my situation and why I'm forever closeted, I've got quite the tale. but I've ranted enough here. (I won't force my life story on you, I know you want a positive blog and this ramble isn't very positive. I can shut up and vanish if you never want to hear from me again)

Thanks for having your anons on <3

I wish I could dm you and just chat (if you were even interested) but I can't (IRL people know my Tumblr and I dont want to make a new one unless it's necessary.) If there's anything you wanna chat about, I hope I stumble across it on my dash. I hope its okay if I hide behind anon asks.

Thanks for representing people like me. Sorry for the ramble, I guess I needed to get more off my mind than I realized. Thanks for being a safe space to vibe for a while. It's nice to be around other, perfectly valid people like me. I look up to you in a sense ♡

(But seriously, if this is too much drama and you don't want me to do this again, you don't even need to post this I won't bother you again without your consent)

I- wow.

That’s really all I can say.

I’m very glad that you feel just as recognized here as an asexual as you should be. And I know what every single one of these struggles is like. Personally, I never Liked to force things onto myself which has been Both a blessing and a curse.

It’s great because I don’t have to deal with a relationship but over time people stop wanting to be around you for it. But eventually, I found a friend group who respected what I did and didn’t want to talk about. And unfortunately even though some people may be nice and friendly to you, that doesn’t mean that you and that person are going to click.

I think you might want to start being more open about not wanting to talk about these things when you’re around them, and if that’s scary and difficult, start small. I get it. But the more you stay quiet and the more morning is going to change.

So yea, I don’t mind the ask! I guess I didn’t even realize that me just openly existing as Aspec was a huge thing to a lot of people, so I’m glad I could help, I hope everything gets better for you anon. Have a lovely day/afternoon/evening 💖💖💖