#went off on bit of a pov change tangent there. sorry

[cant-think-of-anything]

I think part of the reason that there’s such a dissonance between what kind of character Matthew is ~supposed~ to have and what kind of poor traits shine through, especially in his treatment of Alastair, is not just because of CC’s poor handling of alcoholism (and, in my opinion, mental health issues and depression) but also because: Our first introduction to these characters happened a long ways before some major changes to TLH.

Namely… Alastair and Cordelia were basically white in CC’s original planning. There’s just no way around that. Their flower cards, where they’re not just whitewashed but purely white, prove that (and they STILL haven’t been updated, by the way.)

Also, Alastair’s hair: in CoG it was dyed blond, and CC wrote it off implicitly as a racism thing when she decided he was Persian (which I guess happened after the short story where we met Alastair and before TLH) , which would have been fine it if it was an arc written better. Except, I don’t think she realized that it would make Matthew’s comments about Alastair inherently and obviously racist, being a white author. And I doubt that it will be dealt with and named or even acknowledged outright in the final TLH installment.

Kind of the same thing with Cordelia. I’m not saying POC can’t have like red hair because obviously POC don’t come in a prepackaged set of five or six traits that are all configured randomly, but something has always rubbed me the wrong way about the way that CC writes the majority of her POC and especially WOC as exotic. I mean, Kamala as a character is to me a special favorite (even though CC did her dirty and didn’t do a good job portraying her character or intersectional identity) but I rolled my eyes so hard when she had lighter brown or “amber” eyes in canon or officially commissioned art. With Cordelia, I know CC once said she uses henna to redden her hair which is great for her, and I guess I have less of a bone to pick with that because it’s semi(?) realistic, but still. Also the fact that so much of her description as a beautiful person comes from her hair. Again that’s cool, and women of color should be loved wholly including being loved for the parts of them that they freely change (such as Cordelia’s hair) but… the proportion of the fixation on her hair as what makes her lovely rubs me the wrong way sometimes. I feel like it’s sometimes an out from CC making the ~scandalous~ decision that a woman of color can be beautiful because of the traits she is born with. Idk it’s just for me I had this long standing repulsion towards my colorings and my facial structure and white girls would tell me I was whiny about it and then I finally began to piece together things like “Eurocentric beauty standards.”

Going on a tangent slightly, but something else that bothered me was when Anna insulted Cordelia after buying her those dresses and everyone kinda treating it as a compliment? And just cause Cordelia, a fictional teenager, didn’t get mad about it doesn’t mean readers of color can’t see the underlying racism behind “Cordelia looks MUCH better in these dresses which are SUITED for her skin tone.”

I think that narrative could have been handled much better: if it was Cordelia picking out her own clothes as an act of maturity and self-realization and ownership, if Cordelia herself said (in a different way lol) “Damn right I can wear lavender ruffles if I want to and crimp my hair but I’m not going to let white fashion prevent me from outshining everyone because dark skinned women INVENTED jewel tones.” And I think some people will argue that Cordelia’s context makes this too self aware of a development but I would say that it would have been a powerful part of her development outside of her relationships, especially considering that she’s supposed to be a main protagonist. Full arcs for the win baby!

But even aside from all that what bothered me about Anna’s dresses was the fact that it was a white woman showing the “truth” or the “right way” or “saving” a woman of color, a trope which I don’t think CC intended but committed nonetheless. I think from a white author POV the thinking was “Anna is such a free bohemian who lives true to herself and she’s going to help Cordelia become that way too,” which irks me because I feel like that just worked against CC in terms of POC rep and also because that same ideology is used in an attempt to make Anna’s treatment of Kamala justified even though Anna as an out person, with racial and economic privilege and the support of an extensive and powerful family network, pressured and tormented Kamala into coming out.

I have a lot of thoughts on that relationship, mainly: it shouldn’t have been dragged out this long because from the beginning, Every Exquisite Thing, it was clear they were looking for different things. And if CC had left it at that and let them go on their separate ways after a week of knowing each other that would have been fine: Kamala can’t do an out and proud relationship and Anna doesn’t want secrecy, so they’ll develop on their own. And then later Kamala’s pursuit of Anna in the actual TLH books was I think meant to be a thing about “the lengths you’ll go for true love” but it felt forced. Honestly… It just feels icky. like this woman of color is just so hung up on this white woman who abuses her repeatedly and can’t handle her own misogyny and internalizations. And I hate that because both had such awesome potential! To me it’s less that I dislike Anna ( I’d need a whole other post to explain that) and more that I dislike CC for wanting so bad to claim sapphic rep but not wanting to put in the effort to portray it effectively- and pretty much all that entails is writing the relationship without acting like it exists in a pseudo-vacuum where the history and realities of interracial relationships and queerphobia don’t exist in the way we obviously recognize and experience.

And characters like Cordelia and Alastair are amazing and have so much potential; I think the true origin of the problems with their portrayal is that they weren’t really intended as POC or even queer representation in the first place. I don’t know if Cassie would have taken a different approach to her characterization had she known Alastair would be a brown gay man when she first introduced him, but I hope it would have at least made her more conscientious of the inherent application of colonialism and racism in her storytelling from that point onward.

I want to finally add that I’m not saying any portrayal of racism is bad. I’m saying that the racism in the story is not part of a conscious framework that critiques racism appropriately. I think CC wrote the beginnings of the narrative, decided she was going to develop the diversity point content, and then either didn’t look back at the older content to analyze it and the other (white characters) through a new lens of race and outsiderness and queer personhood, or she looked at it and didn’t know what to do with it, or looked at it and didn’t care.

Sorry this got so long! Thanks for listening.

- A.

I feel like CC handled everything poorly in regards to characters who had a lot of potential.

The fact that Cordelia and Alastair are both originally white and it's so obvious in the way every bit of racism is handled by the characters. Matthew's comments in CLS are very important and they should've been handled with the same severity that Alastair's words were. CC changing the characters to POC was a big decision and when she did so she should've went back and actually read her own material. I can assure you that it will not be handled in CHOT, my expectations for CC recognizing the importance and gravity in the words she writes regarding racism or any of her "implied racism" bullshit have gone to the ground.

Because while golden eyes are obviously so easy to write when discussing discrimination obviously racism is out of the question /j

THAT'S EXACTLY IT, women of color in these books are so pathetically rare that on the rare occurrence that she does write them they should all be given these features that aren't as common in POC and written as more beautiful because of those features. I read CHOG after I became more appreciative of my ethnic features but if I had read this a year or so ago? Or even if I had read it after just feeling insecure in general? It would've been awful. The implication is that the lighter features in POC are the most beautiful, with Cordelia's red hair being put on a higher pedestal than her dark eyes and Kamala's eyes being focused on more than her hair (because I literally went back and counted the numbers to prove it and it's exactly what happens.)

I'm sure Cordelia's hair is stunning, but it's the way that when she's described (or more accurately being sexualized) it is just her hair and body that is shown, not the color of her skin or the color of her eyes.

God the pastel thing pisses me off so much. It's not even that Anna tells Cordelia that she would look better in darker colors it's that she says it suits her skin tone. Implying that anyone with brown skin should be barred from wearing pastels. And Kamala? In the few times she is described, she's wearing dark colors or champagne gold, never light blue or purple or pink WHICH HONESTLY SUITS HER PERSONALITY. It's also the way that the dresses Anna sent her are described to be more revealing- it's weird. Anna barely knew her when she started dictating everything that Cordelia could put on her body.

“Damn right I can wear lavender ruffles if I want to and crimp my hair but I’m not going to let white fashion prevent me from outshining everyone because dark skinned women INVENTED jewel tones.”

I literally would have loved that. It recognizes that she doesn't need to follow these "rules" on what to wear but still shows her choosing what she wants to wear without making all the darker skinned readers feel like they can't wear a certain color.

I think what some people fail to realize is that these books are also aimed at upper elementary and middle school and a middle schooler with dark skin reading something like that? In a book with characters they love? It's going to be so harmful

Someone else mentioned that CC said Kamanna's relationship was complicated because Kamala didn't defend Anna: Defend her FROM WHAT? Literally what is there to threaten Anna?

These books are filled with tokenism and then praised for it. The idea of Kamala X Anna has so much potential but they're portrayed in such a toxic way. Throughout the last through books Kamala puts herself through so much guilt and regret and turmoil just for Anna to literally use her, blame her, and cast her aside. And it's so fucking annoying because it pushes this idea that this woman of color who was terrified and in an extremely vulnerable position is in the wrong for choosing her safety and presents them as guilty and shameful for doing such a thing.

I would disagree, the portrayal of racism is bad, because it is used at random points in the story and never brought up again, if you interduce racism take it seriously it's not the kind of thing you're meant to half-ass in a book thousands of people will read

I agree on everything else though, so much of these books are incredibly harmful and they are presented to a young audience so it's overall just a gross situation

Thank you for the ask though! I loved answering this, if you ever have anything else you're more than welcome to come back <3

[squishmallow36]

Bit of an update on Mr. Snuggles POV

I went through and did a spell check and all that fun stuff. (Grammarly my beloved. I’d be lost with out you) I don’t entirely hate the story, but the ending… I hate it and I have no idea how to change it. I can’t come up with a good way to end the story.

The ending I have now feels… boring. :V

I’m planning on stepping way for a week? (I’ll still be thinking of a way to end it) and hope that helps me have a new perspective? I don’t know. Writing confuses me.

Sorry this took so long for me to answer i had school and the scioly rb was first so chronical order.

Spell check is good grammarly my belovaed indeed.

I think my only idea for you is to chop off the end stick it in a different doc and take the same ending idea and try to rewrite it without looking at the doc. Maybe your characters will drag you down an interesting tangent. The last sentences are definitely one of the most difficult parts for me. It might be funny if fedex starts to make out or something and mr snuggles is like my eyes somebody get the bleach. I know you're not going for a funny vibe but idk.

Stepping back is definitely a good idea. Shower thoughts are a wonderful source of ideas and also you'll be less familiar with each individual detail when you come back.

I don't know either. Writing is confusing to everybody so just know you're very much not alone in that.

[i-can-get-extra-with-my-ships]

A Slice Of My Love. Chapter 7. Upstairs.

We’re on the bean bag again. I told you what’s happening in this chapter. (If you’re from Tumblr) You know about the roadblock that came up when I tried to start writing. My shipper is now growing impatient. Also, look at that! This chapter’s a new pov!! I’m evolving!! (Don’t tell anyone how much I wanted to do his perspective.) Let’s just get to it.

Pairings: the glasses gays, best friend mode prinxietea (but it’s toned down A LOT)

Tw: Cursing, minor death mention, spoilers for the movie Big Hero 6 if you still haven't watched it, fluff, Pat and Lo still being shippers, crappy writing, dumb jokes, you know, the usual.

Logan’s POV 

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“Logan, just tell me. I don’t care if it’s all that important. I just need to know what went down whilst I was sleeping.”

Roman had been inquiring about what happened last night. Patton had missed out on a small portion of the events. I had already dubbed it unimportant, but Roman, on the other hand, wanted to know.

I hesitated for only a second or two. “If you so insist, Roman. Now, if I’m not mistaken, Virgil said that the supposed ‘guy’ that was sitting there’s name was Alonso.”

He stood there. He appeared to be trying to fully comprehend what I had just told him.

He turned around and asked Virgil a question.

“Virge, you ok buddy?”

Virgil looked at Roman like he was insane and then responded. “Like I told Patton last night, I’m never okay.”

I looked over at Patton who had been sitting next to me during this whole spectacle. He looked like he was about to go on a tangent.

“I WILL PHYSICALLY FIGHT YOU IF YOU KEEP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT!!!” Patton was talking as if Virgil was from a different planet. Slowly, annunciating each syllable.

I put an arm around Patton’s shoulders and with my other hand I lifted his chin up.

“Someone still needs more sleep.”

Now, normally, I don’t endorse “sleeping in” as I’ve been informed by the others it’s called, but Patton had a really long night. We both knew that Virgil never went to bed. I know that if Virgil never went to bed, neither did Patton. However, Patton did not share my point of view on the matter of sleeping.

“No, I don’t!! I need to worry about my kiddo.” Patton yawned.

Patton, you’ve already worried enough!

“Patton, if Freakonomic is condoning sleeping in then, you need to sleep.” 

Roman, you must be joking. You’re going to insult me like this, NOW of all times?

Virgil didn’t look up from staring at the counter, he just joined our conversation.

“Yeah, I’m with Princey and Lo on this one.” He didn’t look at anyone of us. He just kept staring at the counter.

The words that came out of Roman’s mouth after that should not have.

“Hypocrites say what?” As always, Virgil fell for it.

“What?”

Patton and I gave Roman the look™. Roman looked like he was debating with himself in his head. He came to a sudden realization and changed the subject that he was well aware was coming.

“Umm, Logan! Doesn’t Patton need more sleep?”

It appears that I had gotten sidetracked.

“Ahh yes. He does. Come on Pattoncake. We need to get you,” I booped Patton’s nose “to bed.”

I only performed the action known as a boop, because it was Patton’s weakness apparently. 

“Fine!” he mumbled in a failed attempt to be mad at the fact that I was forcing him to go to bed.

I walked Patton up the stairs. Once we got to Patton’s door he opened it and walked inside. I waved and was about to turn around and go back downstairs when Patton beckoned me into his room. I hesitated but before I could make a decision, he grabbed my arm and dragged me into his room. That was a typical Patton outburst. I personally found them adorable. Patton always felt a little bad after them. 

Here is where feelings get messy and confusing because I feel terrible since Patton feels bad. It is one of the most metaphorically heartbreaking things I’ve ever seen. On the other hand, however, it’s also a good thing that Patton feels remorse. There could be a day where one of these outbursts affects someone who would much rather not be affected by it.

I still don’t understand why Patton seems to feel that bad after one of these said outbursts affects me.

“Oh my god!! I’m so sorry Logan!! I didn’t mean to do that!!” Patton buried his face in his hands.

Do you happen to recall when I said that Patton doing things similar to what he just did metaphorically breaks my heart?

I reached over and pulled him into a hug. I began to rub his back and I whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

“Patton there is no reason to apologize. To me at least.”

He hugged back tightly. I smiled and whispered, “I personally find it adorable when you do that.” I couldn’t see his face, as he had it tightly press against my chest, but I could feel his blush. I kept the same tone of whisper and asked him, “Patton, can you please tell me why you didn’t sleep earlier?”

There was no verbal response, he only hugged me tighter. I hugged back in a defensive manner. This always happens when Patton feels sad or upset. I get defensive. I have no clue why. There is no danger. (Logan sweetie, they’re called feelings.)

I kept whispering to him since in the past, using this tone of voice, or one similar helps to relax Patton and defuse the situation. “I promise you that I will not get mad. I only wish to help you, Patton.”

He mumbled something. I couldn’t hear what he said. I still whispered “What was that Patton? I couldn’t quite hear you.”

He looked up at me and started to list all the reasons as to why. Most of them were Virgil and his current mental state. I had a bit of an urge to silence him like I did the last time he was rambling, but I ignored it by deeming it inappropriate for this scenario.

I decided to hold up a finger to Patton’s lips. That silenced him. “Patton, I hate to inform you, but your health is more important than Virgil’s. You are more important than Virgil. You need to worry about yourself before you worry about other people.”

He looked like he was going to argue with me but he just rested his head on my chest once more. He started to mumble again, but I could hear him this time “Your always right Logy.” He hugged me extra tightly. I pet his hair. 

We stood there for 1 minute and 37.52, no 38.07 seconds. Just holding each other. It was nice. (That seems like it’s not a lot of emotion but normally he would’ve just thought that it was “rather enjoyable”) I would have preferred to have stayed there longer, but I was beginning to experience discomfort in my legs.

“Patton, if you don’t mind, could we please sit down?” Patton blushed again and said “Oh! Sure!!” He grabbed my arm, as if I didn’t know where I was going, and sat me down on his bed. (Get the filth out of here. If I can’t read smut how the hell would I be able to write the smut? Also, this is a PG-13 place.) 

He then turned on the television that he had, followed by setting up a movie. After he finished setting up he sat down and snuggled up close to me. I wrapped my arm around his waist. 

I knew why Patton chose the movie he did. We both knew. It wasn’t because it was my favorite Disney movie. It was because we’d both seen it several times. Why was that important?

Because we needed to talk about what to do with Virgil.

I already knew what we needed to do. We needed to send him to therapy. Now. Because of how delicate this subject is I couldn’t just flat out say “Patton we need to send Virgil to therapy.” without having Patton metaphorically “lose it”. So this is what I said alternatively “Patton?”

He hummed in response and looked up at me. I continued. “Can we talk?” He looked confused and he hesitated before he replied. “Uhh sure!! What about?”

It was my turn to hesitate. I needed to metaphorically “play my cards right”. “What we should exactly do about Virgil and his, there is no gentler term for this, sanity.”

His smile faded and was then replaced with a smirk. “You already know what we should do. Don’t you?”

I stared at him spellbound. “As a matter of fact, I do.”

“We need to send him to therapy.”

We looked at each other before laughing a little bit. Then the mood got darker again. 

Patton’s first question was, of course, “Do we have to send him to therapy?” I thought for a minute. I hadn’t thought about that. “I suppose that we could wait until further evaluation.”

He nodded. “And by that, you mean ‘until he loses it’?”

“Precisely.”

“How are we gonna tell Roman? He’s not gonna take it well. Neither will Virgil.”

“Going to. I d-” At that moment I was cut off by Roman and Virgil screech no, what they claim to be singing from downstairs. May I remind you that the door was shut too? “NO, IT’S FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!! REALLY FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!! GO BE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!! AND I WANT MY PINK SHIRT!!!” I braced myself for what I knew was going to come next. “HE BROUGHT UP THE PINK SHIRT!! YOU KNOW SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN ONCE YOU BRING UP THE PINK SHIRT!!!” Then came the laughter. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

I looked over at Patton. He looked like he was about to scream “language”. He did not scream though. He only sharply exhaled and said “You know what? I don’t care. I ship them too much too care.” I smiled and snorted. “Patton I think that we “ship” those two more than the fandom does.” He laughed. “It’s so true.” Then we broke into laughter of our own.

We turned our focus to the movie again. The good news is that we were past the part were Tadashi dies. That part always makes Patton cry. I’d rather just not focus on Patton crying. If his apologizing for his outbursts isn’t metaphorically heartbreaking then Patton crying is. 

We sat there watching the movie and cuddling. Patton had rested his head on my chest. My arm was still wrapped around his waist. These kinds of moments with Patton were the best. Just enjoying each other's company.

However, that bliss did not last as long as I would have hoped.

We heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Patton looked at me confused. I did the same. Then Virgil kicked the door down we looked up at him in shock. 

I sat there flabbergasted.

Patton spoke first. “Virgil, please tell me why you just kicked down my door.”

He looked like he was overly excited. He moved to the side a little bit and pulled Roman forward. “RoMaN sAyS i’M nOt CrAzY!!!”

I looked at Roman with the dad look that I’ve seemed to get from Patton. 

“Roman, please explain.”

Roman looked down at his feet. “Well, do I have a story for you guys.”

Patton looked up at me and then he looked back at Roman. “And we have something important that you need to know Roman. Virgil? Could you go downstairs please?” 

Virgil looked confused. Still, he let go of Roman’s hand and walked back downstairs.

----

Holy McFricken. I did it!! I finished this chapter. I’m so sorry it’s late. I had a 3-day long writer's block. (Tuesday-Thursday) 

Also. We’ve hit 400 Tumblr children!!! OMG, I’m so happy!!! Watch my life go bad on Monday or something. 

But umm… This is the longest chapter. (Like 3 ½ pages) Also. I ALMOST WROTE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER WITHOUT CURSE WORDS!!! ARE YOU PROUD OF ME??? I know I’m proud of me.

Also, I love and hate writing Logan’s POV. I get to use some of my vast vocabulary, but I can’t use metaphors without having to be like “metaphorically” or “figuratively”. I know THAT would get annoying FAST.

                   Anywho, hope you enjoyed.

                                  -Em

----

Taglist (Please let me know if you’d like to be added/removed): @winterswishing-reblogs @just-some-gt-trash @thetomorrowshow @iixclementine

[crossbows-and-moonshine]

Such a Softer Sin (Chapter thirty two)

(Chapter one)     (Chapter two)     (Chapter three)     (Chapter four)

(Chapter five)     (Chapter six)     (Chapter seven)     (Chapter eight)

(Chapter nine)     (Chapter ten)     (Chapter eleven)     (Chapter twelve)

(Chapter thirteen)     (Chapter fourteen)     (Chapter fifteen)

(Chapter sixteen)     (Chapter seventeen)     (Chapter eighteen)

(Chapter nineteen)     (Chapter twenty)     (Chapter twenty one)

(Chapter twenty two)      (Chapter twenty three)     (Chapter twenty four)

(Chapter twenty five)     (Chapter twenty six)     (Chapter twenty seven)

(Chapter twenty eight)     (Chapter twenty nine)     (Chapter thirty)

(Chapter thirty one)

I had this intense need to write a chapter each from the boys POV. It won't be the same chapter just going over it twice, don't worry lol, but this chapter will be in Murphy's perspective, and the next one in Connors. I'll still be writing in third person, it's just easier for me that way, I’ve only ever done first person once, it's a Murphy/OC story and I don't even remember if I’ve posted it yet haha.

But anyway, the boys wanted more attention, so this happened. I usually write my stories in third person, omnipotent kinda thing, so the reader knows everything that's going on, knows what's going through everyone's heads, not just Lilas, I like it that way, I think it's important to know what's going on with the boys too, at least in my story.

But this chapter will just be Murphy, so we won't know what's going on in Lilas head or Connors unless it's through the telepathy. And that will apply with Connor for the next one. I've got something intense and sad coming up, so these two are my way of saying sorry in advance lololol. I needed something lighthearted before I started something so feely, ya know?

This one is long AF, Murphy really went on a tangent with this one. I was surprised with some of the stuff in this one. I never plan my chapters, I just start writing, and I’m always surprised with what comes out lololololol. But I’m honestly really happy with this one, so many feeeeeeeeeeeeeels.

I hope you guys like this one.

-------------------------------------------

Connor passed his test, of course he fucking did. Murphy knew he would, Lila knew he would, and according to Connor once he got his results; ‘O’ course I fuckin’ passed, I didn’t doubt meself for a minute’. The boys were drunk at the time and Murphy, of course, took great delight in telling the whole of the pub how Connor had indeed doubted himself and how he had been studying. That was the night before. Now Murphy was currently sat in the passenger seat as Connor drove them to work. Driving there and back meant more time with Lila since they'd get home quicker, and to Murphy, that was a fucking win.

Well, it would be if Connor actually drove properly, Murphy was wondering how the fuck he managed to pass his test.

“Jesus Christ Connor! Yer goin’ like five miles an hour!” He huffed, pressing his head into the window with a scowl. His brother shot him a look, looking so fucking offended even though Murphy was being honest.

“I am not! I’m doin’ the speed limit ye fuck! Ye want me te get done speedin’ on me first day drivin’?” He grumbled, tightening his hands on the steering wheel. Murphy looked at him blandly, shaking his head.

“Ye drive like a fuckin’ grandma.” He stated dryly, and Connor whipped his head to him, his eyes ablaze and Murphy had to bite his lip so he didn't laugh. He always had way too much fun pushing Connor buttons, and he couldn't even do anything about it since he was driving and was all about being sensible suddenly.

“A fuckin’ grandma?! I’ll show ye a fuckin’ grandma ye wee maggot.” He muttered, making Murphy snort at him. It only turned to full blown laughter when Connor indeed hit the gas a little more. Murphy knew he would, it's why he said it. Connor didn't like to be challenged.

They got to work and were on the line for cutting the meat today, they were always being rotated around so everyone did a bit of everything to make it fair. Some things were harder than others, or more boring. Cutting meat was boring as fuck. He was stood with his brother, hacking at the meat as he listened to Connor bitching about...something. He wasn't really listening if he was honest. He was thinking about their girl, she’d be at home, no doubt cleaning or making those fucking delicious brownies he loved so much. He didn't even realise he was smiling to himself until Connor smacked him upside the head. Murphy turned to glare at him and Connor looked more than amused.

“Didn't realise ye loved meat so much brother, I’ll be sure te tell the lass ye had a change o’ heart.” Connor snorted at him, making some of the other men on the line with them laugh. Murphy pursed his lips, narrowing his eyes at his brother. Connor knew full well what Murphy was really thinking because he was in his head, Murphy knew he just wanted to be a dick.

Connor smirked at him and shrugged. Murphy heard it in his head; ‘What are ye gonna do about it brother?’ Murphys face broke into a sly grin, forming a plan in his mind and making a point to block his brother out so he didn't fucking know about it. Connor squinted, feeling the barrier his brother was putting up, Murphy knew Connor would know he was up to something, and not knowing what it was, making him wait, that was one of the best parts because it would make him lose his damn mind. So Murphy took great delight in making him wait and stew, biding his time to get his brother back.

It was a few hours later and he waited for Connor to grab some more meat cuts. There was a bucket of blood under the table of the line, Murphy always questioned why it was there, he never saw who filled it up or where it came from, yet there it was. He dipped his left hand into the crimson liquid, fighting the gag that worked its way up at the strong copper tang and the feel of how goopy it was. The man opposite him quirked a brow looking amused and Murphy raised his free hand to his lips, telling him not to say a word. Everyone who worked with the twins knew of their antics, it often served as good amusement in the workday to make it pass quicker. Murphy saw Connor coming back in, so he took a breath, channeling all his acting skills.

He dropped the cleaver onto the floor with a loud clatter, falling to his knees as he cried out.

“Fuckin’ Christ!” He yelled, trying to sound pained as he cradled his bloody hand. Connor dropped the meat he was carrying without a care, running to his brother looking panicked. Murphy could feel the fear radiating off him and he almost felt bad, but he didn't quite get there. Connor slipped on the drops of blood as he skidded over to his brother, Murphy's hand was so covered in blood it was hard to make out what ‘happened’.

“The fuck is it?! What happened?!” He asked frantically, pulling on Murphy's arm to have a look. Murphy tugged back though, acting like it was fucking agony as tears welled in his eyes.

“I damn near took me thumb off, fuckin’ hell Connor it hurts so bad.” He sniffled, looking down to stop from laughing as he noticed the others looking on amused. Connor frowned, chest heaving as he tried to figure out what to do, he needed to get Murphy to a fucking hospital. Murphy bit his lip, knowing exactly what was running through his brothers head and he allowed Connor to help him up. Connor was being so gentle with him, it was ridiculous.

“I got ye deartháir (brother), c’mon.” He soothed as he tried to take his arm to look at the damage.

Suddenly a loud thwack echoed in the factory as Murphy slapped his bloody hand across his brother's pitiful face. The whole place went silent, Murphy grinning like a Cheshire cat at the handprint on his brother's cheek. Connor looked stunned for a moment before he turned his eyes back to Murphy. Murphy couldn't hold it anymore, laughing loudly and almost falling over. Everyone else erupted in laughter as they watched Connor looking like he was about to implode.

“The fuck was that?! I thought ye hurt yerself ye stupid fuck?!” He bellowed, his face turning red. Murphy only laughed harder and suddenly he was tackled by his brother. Murphy was laughing hysterically as he fought his brother to stop being pinned on the floor. He was unaware of how close the blood bucket was since he had moved it to use it. He eyes widened as Connor rolled them over and the bucked tipped, covering the pair in the sticky vile shite.

“Fuckin’ Mother o’ God!” Murphy cried out, scrambling to get up as his twin did the same, yelling a string of obscenities. The stuff was slippery though and the pair slipped as they tried to get up and everyone else was having a fucking field day watching them. Murphy gave up in the end, lay in the pool of blood, covered head to toe in the stuff, as his brother lay with him, the pair panting.

“I’ll fuckin’ kill ye.” Connor grumbled weakly, sounding out of breath.

“Was fuckin’ worth it te see yer fuckin’ face.” Murphy snorted at him.

Their boss wasn't happy, they'd made a mess and stopped production. Murphy felt like a scolded child as the man shouted at them but he knew he was right. They got sent home early to get the fuck out of the way, it reminded Murphy of being back in school, when the pair would get sent to the head teachers office after they'd had scuffle or caused some mayhem, getting sent home. Connor had whined something fierce about getting in the car covered in blood but they had no choice, they couldn't shower until they got home, and they couldn't just leave the car there or it might get stolen. Lila would kill them if that happened.

“Shit, Lila.” The boys blanched in unison as they sat in the car. She was going to pitch a fit when the twins came home bloody like this. She’d be worried, then she'd be mad, and then she'd have to clean wherever they stepped on the way to the shower. They'd have to fucking toss their clothes.

Murphy was shoving his brother and laughing, getting shoved right back as they went up the elevator, and when they got to their door, Connor stopped him. Murphy looked at him confused. He didn't understand why they just weren't walking in, Murphy missed Lila horribly and he just wanted to get in there and see her. Knowing she was right there was driving him mad. He was happy they’d been sent home early, it meant they had hours with her before work.

“Lila lass, don’t open the door, but are ye there?” Connor called out. Murphy quirked a brow, looking like his brother had grown three heads. The fuck was he doing?

“Uh… yeah. Why? Why are you home early and why can't I open the door?” She called back, Murphy could hear the hesitance in her voice and he knew she would be worried.

“We’re covered in blood lass, but it’s not ours, had a bit o’ a...thing at work.” He replied before opening the door. He was glad his brother had warned the girl, her eyes bugged out of her head when she saw them soaked in blood and he was grateful his brother had the foresight to tell her, knowing she would have keeled over and had a heart attack if he hadn't.

“Yer welcome.” Connor smirked at him, all smug like, making Murphy sneer at him.

“What the fuck?!” Lila asked, her voice high as she looked from him to his brother. Murphy looked sheepish, he knew, he fucking knew his brother was about to score some major points with the lass when he gave her a sob story of the prank he had played and how he had worried.

“Well lass, Murphy here played an awful prank on me, gave me a real fright he did, I thought he was hurt.” Connor started dramatically, holding a hand over his heart for effect, Murphy rolled his eyes. Here we fucking go.

“Aye, but I only did it ‘cause ye fuckin’ tried te insinuate I was gay and everyone heard ye!” Murphy yelled, flailing his arms about. Connor looked at him, his stupid sad fucking face. But Murphy knew better, he could feel Connors amusement from a mile away. Lila looked at them with a frown, clearly confused. Murphy knew sometimes she couldn't get a good read on them, it could be confusing feeling other people's emotions and with her, it wasn't always strong enough to pick it up or to hear their actual thoughts. She tended only to hear their thoughts when they were intense and she was touching them.

“The fuck does that have to do with you coming home looking like you played a part in Carrie?” She asked blandly, wrinkling her nose a little. Murphy didn't blame her, it smelt like shit.

“Connor knocked over the bucket o’ blood and it went everywhere m’girl.” He sighed, looking sheepish at her. He heard Connor snort next to him.

“What? And you both decided to just roll around in it?” She asked, quirking her brow.

“We might o’ had a wee scrap lass, nothin’ te worry about.” Connor gave her an innocent grin and Murphy smacked him around the head. He heard Lila heave a sigh and looked back at her.

“Fine, as long you're both okay, then whatever, just get in the fucking shower and you can clean whatever you get bloody.” She huffed pointing at them, walking back over to the dishes in the sink that she seemed to have been washing before their arrival.

“Sorry Lila.” They replied in unison, earning a snort from over near the sink as they stripped off and turned on the shower. They'd just shower together since they needed to get clean asap or Lila would surely gut them. Murphy wasn't sure how she put up with them. She was like their Ma sometimes, in a good way of course. She always scolded them for being naughty and when they fought she made sure they made up. When it seemed serious she would always intervene. He was grateful for her. He recalled calling his Ma a few days prior, he and Connor had told their Ma about Lila. They'd been worried to if they were honest, their Ma was a right fucking character when she wanted to be but she was also overprotective. But they had spent an hour on the phone, just gushing about the girl and their Ma seemed to realise just how serious it was. She had mocked them at first, but then she said she was glad they had someone to keep her two pissants in line. The boys knew that was her way of giving her approval of the relationship. She never commented about the fact they were both in love with the girl, or how the relationship wasn't what would be deemed normal, but despite their Ma’s flaws, she was a good woman, and apart from Lila, she was the only other person on the fucking planet that really just seemed to get them.

He could just see it, him and Connor taking Lila back home to meet their Ma, their Ma sat with Lila, bitching at how they made her grey before they could even walk, Lila laughing about it because she could just imagine it. Their Ma breaking out the baby pictures of the two and showing their girl. He stilled in the shower as a thought hit him like a tidal wave. A huge crash of emotions almost knocking him on his ass. Would they ever have kids with her? He was shocked to find he wouldn't mind it, seeing her with a round belly, carrying their child. They wouldn’t know who was the father of course but he knew in his heart that wouldn't matter, they'd both be the Da, and they'd make fucking good ones too. Not like theirs who just fucked off and left their Ma to raise them all alone. He felt an ache in his chest, wondering if she would ever want that with them. She hadn't even told them she loved them yet and he was stood there thinking about kids.

He flinched when Connor suddenly reached out, grabbing his neck. He blushed deeply knowing Connor had heard his thoughts and he looked down, swallowing thickly as he tried to push the swell of emotions aside. ‘One step at a time deartháir’. He heard, Connor soothing him like he always did. He was right though, there was no need to rush anything, he had no plans on leaving the girl and he knew his brother didn't either. She was it for them, she was their soulmate, their anam cara, their one and only, forever and even after. They would have time to tell each other they loved her, to show her, but what about marriage? Another wave of emotions rushed through him but this time it was sadness. They both couldn't marry the girl, he wasn't really sure how to deal with that one.

He heard his brother sigh deeply next to him, squeezing his neck firmly. Murphy felt the rush of calm spread through his body, stilling his whirlwind of emotions inside of him.

“Nous allons traverser ce pont quand nous y arriverons Murph, nous avons déjà quelque chose en tête pour ainsi dire. (We'll cross that bridge when we come to it Murph, already have something in mind as it were).” Connor muttered from his left. Murphy licked his lower lip, glancing at him curiously. He was more than a little shocked Connor had been thinking about marriage with her too, so much so that he had come up with one of his stupid fucking plans for it.

“Ain’t stupid ye eejit.” Connor snorted, letting go of his neck to smack him lightly around the head, Murphy wasn't mad though, he was far too curious as he looked at his brother, wanting desperately to know what this plan was.

“Allez ensuite, c'est quoi? (Go on then, what is it)?” Murphy asked impatiently, hating waiting for anything. Connor looked at him amused before he sighed a little, glancing behind them to their girl who was now drying the dishes. Murphy followed his line of sight before looking back at his brother expectantly.

“Nous ne pouvons pas l'épouser toutes les deux, vous êtes juste là. mais nous pouvons toujours lui donner un anneau, nous pourrions demander au poète de nous bénir. Pas tout à fait un mariage mais la même déclaration d'amour pour toujours. (We both can't marry her, you're right there. but we can still give her a ring, we could ask the priest to bless us. Not quite a marriage but the same declaration of love forever.)” Connor kept his voice low, even though the girl wouldn't be able to understand anyway. Murphy perked up, it was a good idea, yet somehow it didn't feel enough. As if his brother could sense it, because he fucking could, he carried on.

“Nous pourrions organiser une cérémonie, comme un mariage, et je pensais que, pour des raisons juridiques, elle devrait épouser légalement l'un de nous, prendre notre nom de famille ... Et je veux que ce soit vous. (We could have a ceremony, like a wedding, and I was thinking, for legal reasons, she should legally marry one of us, take our last name...And I want it to be you).” Connor continued. Murphy's heart felt like it stopped for a moment at his brother's words and he felt Connor grabbing his neck again like he was afraid he would collapse in a heap on the floor.

“Me?” He asked, his voice wavering, incredulous almost that his brother had even offered him that opportunity. It was a big deal, for him at least. And even though Connors idea was a ceremony for the three of them and being blessed, that she would be linked to the three, legally she would be his wife, not Connors.

Connor nodded, looking at his brother carefully. Murphy was so overwhelmed he couldn’t really get a feel of what his brother was feeling.

“Mais pourquoi? Tu ne veux pas qu'elle soit ta femme? (But why? You don’t want her to be your wife)?” He asked confused, not understanding why Connor wouldn’t fight him about this, how he had suggested it himself. Connor stepped a little closer to him and sighed softly.

“Oui, mais la bénédiction me suffira. Je sais que tu es frère, tu es plus sentimental que moi. Vous avez besoin de cela plus que moi, alors c'est mon cadeau pour vous. (I do, but the blessing will be enough for me. I know you brother, you are more sentimental than I am. You need this more than me, so this is my gift to you).” Connor replied, and Murphy almost fell on his ass from the sheer love for his brother he felt in that moment, for the love he knew his brother felt towards him to offer him such a thing.

Suddenly Murphy felt unsure of himself, he glanced back to Lila, now sitting there reading and he caught her eyes. She gave him a warm smile, not having any idea what they were talking about, seemingly so unaware and thinking they were just taking the time to clean the blood off them. He smiled back, his heart aching in his chest. She was so beautiful it made him want to cry at times. He knew he was a fucking girl about it but he didn’t care.

“Et si elle ne veut pas m'épouser? Et si elle te veut à la place? (What if she doesn't want to marry me? What if she wants you instead)?” Murphy asked sounding like a small child. Connor looked at him almost sadly.

“Elle se soucie de nous deux également, vous le savez. Elle pourrait avoir besoin de convaincre simplement parce qu'elle pourrait craindre de me laisser sortir, mais la bénédiction et la cérémonie sont pour nous tous, cela ne serait juridiquement contraignant que pour vous deux. Je suis sûr que nous pourrons la convaincre le moment venu. (She cares about us both equally, you know this. She might need some convincing just because she might worry about leaving me out, but the blessing and ceremony is for all of us, it would only be legally binding for you both. I'm sure we could talk her into it when the time comes).” Connor said firmly, sounding so confident about it and the fact that the time would come and she would say yes. It made Murphy smile to himself, feeling the rush of Connors confidence his brother was pushing onto him.

He looked at her again, chewing his lower lip. His feelings for her were so overwhelming and he felt the need to tell her he loved her again. He knew he couldn't, not in the way he wanted, not yet.

“Should tell her brother.” Connor whispered softly so she couldn't hear, especially over the running water. Murphy dragged his eyes from the pretty girl in their bed and back to his brother, his eyes wide.

“What? I...I can’t.” Murphy spluttered, horrified at the mere thought of doing so. Connor leveled his gaze on him, squinting a little.

“Tell her, ye want te tell her like ten times a day Murphy. Ye feel it, should just say it, get it off yer chest.” He suggested quietly. Murphy swallowed thickly, raking his teeth over his lower lip.

“And what about you?” He asked, giving his brother a pointed look. He knew Connor wasn't ready just yet, he knew it would be a little longer until his twin came out with it. It wasn't that his brother didn't love her, Murphy knew without a doubt he did. He would probably plan it like he usually fucking did with everything, down to every detail, unless he just blurted it out. But Murphy didn't think that was likely.

Connor gave him a knowing look and snorted.

“Not quite yet for me brother, but I think it’s time for you.” He smirked. Murphy huffed at him, he was finally clean so he stepped out the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist. Connor stayed behind, still washing himself but Murphy couldn't help but be suspicious since his brother was already squeaky clean. He looked back at Lila and she grinned at him, getting up off the bed. Murphy walked over to her, he couldn't help it. He always gravitated towards her, like a fucking magnet in her presence. He couldn't get enough of her, just being with her. They could sit there for hours doing nothing and he would be the happiest bastard alive. He smiled down at her when he got to her, cupping her cheeks as he kissed her.

He fucking loved how she tasted, always like coffee since she drank so much of the stuff. He loved the feeling of her pouty lips against his own, how it felt when he massaged his tongue with hers. He loved the feeling of her beautiful red hair in his hand, always grasping it as he kissed her. He loved how she’d moan when he did it, seeming to love it too. He broke away feeling breathless and it wasn't just from the kiss. He rested his forehead on hers and felt her rest her soft hands on his firm chest. Her eyes were closed and she was smiling to herself, making him smile too. She was a fucking angel, the most beautiful girl to ever exist on the fucking planet, and no other fucker could tell him otherwise.

“Is tú mo ghrá. (I love you).” He whispered, so softly he almost didn't hear himself say it. The anxiety gripped him like a vice as soon as he said it, worried he'd made a mistake, that it was too soon, that she didn't feel the same. His stomach dropped like he was on a rollercoaster.

Her eyes opened, wide blue eyes staring right up at him looking almost shocked at the out of the blue declaration. He looked at her feeling nervous, shy, like a fucking little boy about to get his heart ripped out and stuffed into a blender. But then, then she fucking smiled, a smile so radiant it felt like it was seeping into his soul and soothing any wounds he had ever received, that made his heart swell so much he feared it might explode.

“Is tú mo ghrá freisin Murphy. (I love you too Murphy).” She whispered back, her eyes shining bright as she smiled up at him. His heart shattered, but in a good way. It had become so full it simply couldn't take it anymore and just fucking shattered into tiny little pieces.

She loved him, she actually loved him back. He shouldn't have been surprised and all since she acted like she did, but to actually hear her say it, it was the best feeling he had ever had in his entire life. He felt himself getting emotional, what's new right? His eyes were burning with tears he was fighting not to release, lest he look like a fucking fool in front of her, crying like a baby just because she said she loved him. But Lila being Lila, she just knew, and she never judged him, he felt like he could be his true self around her, just like he could with his brother. And as she stroked his cheeks affectionately, a few tears escaped and he snorted at himself for being so fucking soppy. She wiped his tears away and he grinned at her, the same full-on smile that he had graced her with on his birthday after his little breakdown about his camera. A full toothy grin that was full of so much happiness. She beamed back at him, leaning up and capturing his lips once more. The kiss was tender though, unlike their usual kisses but he liked it. It felt fitting for the moment.

When she moved away, she smiled once again before going back to sit on the bed and continued reading. She looked happier now though, like a light was shining bright from within her and lighting up the whole loft. He didn't realise he was just stood there staring at her like a lovesick puppy until Connor slung an arm around his shoulder. He looked to his brother, unable to hide his smile and Connor grinned right back, feeling happy for his brother. Murphy could feel his happiness and it made his heart melt all over again. He loved how deep down, they weren't jealous of each other with the girl. They didn't have to compete and tell her they loved her at the same time, like they thought she would run off with the twin that said it first. Because they knew she cared for them the same, she had always said they were equal, and in telling Murphy she loved him it went for Connor too. And that made Connor so happy Murphy could feel it intensely.

He knew his brother would tell her when he was ready, and he wouldn't push him. Their relationship was a strange one; three people. Both of them loving the girl, it was one big relationship but at the same time it was also separate, Murphy and Lila, Connor and Lila. They didn't have to do things at the same time, they didn't need to do this together. They would do it in their own time with the girl.

“Told ye te tell her.” Connor gloated next to him, laughing when Murphy squinted playfully at him. Murphy just clipped him around the ear and Connor laughed more. They heard Lila snort from the bed, watching them both with such adoration on her face. It made them over the fucking moon. She was theirs and they were hers. For the rest of their lives, and they had forever to make some great fucking memories with her.

Maireann lá go ruaig ach maireann an grá go huaigh.

A day lasts until it’s chased away, but love lasts until the grave.

Taglist; @risingphoenix761 @daryldixonandfrogs @arlaina28 @divadinag

[oc-avalanche]

Lucien | SE LE

Rennare Wilder belongs to me

Lucien belongs to the wonderful @josephrussellauthor

Story below for any who’s interested! <3

Knowledge and Knowing

When Lucien had asked the young halfling to train him, Ren was a bit shocked though honored at the same time. It was a strange thing, Lucien was well versed and seemed more in tuned to the world compared to Ren that at times Ren even felt his own lack or education showing. So as Ren lead Lucien to the Gildergreen, just the two of them, he felt his palms begin to ache with an age old pain.

“You’ll have to forgive me,” he began. Rubbing at the gloved skin, his uneven pointed ears twitched in slight agitation. “Compared to your education, mine pales in comparison but I will do the best I can to teach you what I know.”

The imperial gave him a curious gaze. “I’m curious as to what you mean, my friend? Did you not study at the college.”

There was a technicality, a yes followed with a but. Yes, Ren had studied at the college but they only had to teach him how to control his powers which he still struggled to this day. The rest of his education was a torment; that was putting it nicely. For the rest of what he knew, Ren was self taught.

Ren gave his friend an uneasy smile, not wanting to go into detail. “It’s a bit complicated. Though you are correct, I did study at the college but only for a short time.” As much as the young redhead wanted to tell his companion his story, there was a sliver of fear, a pain of rejection. “For the most part, I am self taught in the magic I venture in, my goal as a member of the college is to expand not only upon our knowledge of the dwemer and the ancient nords but also the untapped potential of restoration.”

As Ren spoke, his eyes of speckling gold began to resonate a dim glow, his excitement evident in how he seemed to speak from a distance. Yet, Lucien didn’t seem to mind as the halfling went on with his passion of healing. Instead he listened and took notes. Ren remained unknowing of what was happening, taking in the peace he always felt when going on about the restoration skill.

“It’s so strange, how few healers there are in this world. I hope to one day change that, to do something more than just save the world from Alduin but also provide the ways of mending it.” he finished and upon saying the last word, Ren noticed just how much of a tangent he went on. A dark tinge coated his ochre colored skin. “Sorry, I got carried away, didn’t I?” Lucien just smiled and Ren was thankful for the male’s acceptance. “Here,” Ren took a seat and patted a spot next to him for Lucien. “I’ll show you the beginnings of restoration.”

Lucien followed his motion, eyes filled with intrigue; this was something Ren wasn’t quite used to but deep down he didn’t mind. It was nice to have someone rely on him, to be the one that was leaned upon instead of the other way around.

“The one misconception about the school of restoration is that it is meant for the living, humans and elves specifically, but watch,” as he spoke, Ren began to cast a simple spell on a budding flower. It was slow at first. The bud needing small encouragement from the halfling as he spoke in a language that seemed to be developed by the plants themselves. After a few moments, the plant burst with life. Fireflies rose around them, the petals seemed to glow and the imperial gasp in exasperation.

Lucien had only heard such tails in his stories but he never thought they would come true. “This is fascinating!”

The glee that coated his face made Ren smile. “My mother taught it to me, back when I still remained by her side.” Ceasing the spell, he pulled his gloves off and began to pet the petals with his burnt hand. “The world needs as much healing as we do. Little by little, a heart with good intentions will stitch it together -- that’s what she always told me.”

A calming silence fell over them as Lucien watched his companion gaze upon the flower with sad topaz eyes. Whenever there was a mention of family, Ren always had the look of a blissful pain on his lips. A happiness for those around him that reminded him of his own pain; a pride that others didn’t have to suffer.

Taking a breath, Lucien spoke. “Ren, may I ask you something?” Said man nodded, his eyes still glued to the plant. As the imperial opened his mouth he found himself at a lost for words. So many questions buzzed in his head, the power to know so strong but he couldn’t find himself asking the hard questions. Instead he just wanted to know, “What was she like?”

There was a look of surprise on the redhead’s face then a grin that seemed to brighten the whole are. “She was amazing and beautiful,” he continued on, speaking of his mother with great joy and memory. A few times, Ren even began to shed tears but they were just like the laughs that jumped in his throat: quick and seemless.

There is a knowledge in knowing what you want and in knowing in what you should know and in this moment, Ren was thankful for Lucien’s wisdom. Thankful that he wouldn’t have to go into his past and that his friend was genuinely interested in the characters that made him. It was a gift and one that Ren would repay Lucien for. But for now he remained silently thankful.

___

Okay that really sucked but tadaa!! It’s a bit scattered but I was trying to write 3rd POV but also limit it so I wasn’t always in Lucien’s mind cause I don’t know what he’s thinking. XD

This was an experiment to just do writing on tumblr instead of google docs but yeah, I failed. XD

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Oda and Dazai!

So this got…… kinda long… and probably strayed from the ask meme and is more of like a character study lmao whoOPS I’m so sorry. But thank you for the ask xD

Character Writing Meme

Oda

So in canon, Oda never smiles, like ever; he definitely has a broad array of emotions, for sure, but he doesn’t let either positive or negative ones outwardly show very much except in extreme situations ahaha. But it’s natural instinct for me to describe characters as smiling softly/a little bit, or frowning or whatnot, so I can’t help but write Oda like that as well, because I feel like writing him would get boring quickly if his expressions were never described like I do for others and if he wasn’t the pov character where you had his inner thoughts/emotions to make up for that (the original Dark Era novel is in his point of view, and it really helps you to get into his thoughts/emotions, some of which the anime carried over, so that makes his rarely-changing expression not as bothersome). I try to remind myself to keep it as lowkey as possible though (again, talking about fics not in his pov); he probably realistically has to smile sometimes, but I make sure never to overdo it and to keep that sort of amusingly nonchalant/unfazed outward personality Oda has at the same time.

When around Dazai, Oda is pretty much the only person who will let him go off on one of his crazy, dramatic, depressing tangents about life/death and wanting to die and all that, deal with that loopiness that is Dazai. In other words, he won’t ignore him or admonish him for acting like that, which nearly everyone else in the series who Dazai interacts with does. The only time Oda will interfere is if Dazai is directly putting himself in a harmful situation, but when he’s just talking, he’ll let him get it all out. I haven’t actually written much involving this aspect of him, but this is important about Oda when he and Dazai are together, that Oda lets Dazai be himself and lets him get out all his extremely negative emotions instead of forcing him to bottle them up even more, which is a good thing for Dazai to have. In this way, Oda understands Dazai better than anyone else in the entire series, but the key is that he isn’t aware how much he does (because Oda is so damn humble), and so Oda never takes further steps to help out Dazai, as good as letting him talk things out is. In short, Oda cares about Dazai (most likely his fatherly instincts showing through) and worries about him unconsciously, and is content to let Dazai be his strange self when he’s with him, letting him do his thing as long as he’s not actually harming himself, which is why they get along so well… but at the same time Oda will never try to actively play counselor/therapist with Dazai to attempt to help him more permanently, because he doesn’t think he can/isn’t brave enough to/just doesn’t really think to do so. Which leads me to…

…Oda is selfish to a degree, because he’s human, and selfishness is human nature. I’m only really talking about the situation with the kids, though. Canonically, after the kids were killed, Oda went on a suicide mission for the sake of revenge for the kids, abandoning Dazai, who still desperately needed and wanted him, and throwing aside any small chance of building a happy life back up for himself and eventually getting away from the mafia and fulfilling his dream of becoming a writer, and possibly taking Dazai with him and making him happier than he is now at the ADA. In that moment, all logic shut down inside of him, and he acted on his instincts, knowing he was going to die, all because he felt like he didn’t care about anything anymore, for revenge that was more for himself than the kids who didn’t even know they were being avenged, obviously. Of course I’m not entirely blaming Oda or trying to intentionally shit on him (I love him lmao), and his mental state then is completely understandable, but it still stands that he acted on selfish motives when he did what he did and got himself killed from it. He made a huge mistake leaving Dazai behind, breaking his heart and taking his best friend in the world away from him, and I’m sure Oda realized that once Dazai showed up, realized that there was so much he still needed to do for Dazai that he never had done and never could anymore then, and realized how much it hurt him too because of how much he truly cared about Dazai. When I wrote his death scene from his own pov, that’s what I wanted to show, him realizing how selfish he had been by doing this to Dazai. Because as much as Oda loves Dazai, he loves those kids more, not only because of just him loving kids in general, but also because taking care of those kids in particular he associates directly with his own “redemption” from his previous life as an assassin, so once they’re killed, he decides that everything is over, gives up, because their deaths mean that he failed in trying to turn over a new leaf, so he goes back to killing and decides to end it all, forgetting Dazai completely. Again, I’m not blaming his mentality, not blaming Oda for being so human, but that’s basically what happened, and it was selfish. So writing anything post-bombing, I think about this a lot; Oda is a genuinely kind and loving person, there’s no doubt about it, and he wants only the best for Dazai and the kids for their own sakes, but at the same time, if he feels like his morals/beliefs are trampled on/destroyed in any way so that he can’t uphold them anymore, he’s just done, and nothing else and no one else matters in his mind anymore. Dazai never would have been “saved” by his last words if he hadn’t approached Oda himself, and as good as the ADA is for him, he would be much better there with his best friend who understands him the most, if Oda hadn’t decided to get himself offed instead.

Dazai

First and most obviously, Dazai rarely ever lets himself show any part of his emotional side. If anyone tries to question his behavior or things he says worryingly/shows concern for him, he’ll try to brush it off with some lie about him daydreaming about a creative suicide or something. He’s worse about this overdramatic goofiness in ADA-era, despite being in a better setting, because he was more inclined to get gloomier/more depressing/deeper into his bleak mind with Oda, who didn’t mind any of his behavior. Imo Dazai is of the opinion that no one in the ADA really cares about what’s going on in his mind/his emotions like Oda did, which unfortunately most of them give the impression of (even if they don’t mean it, they really need to get better about it… looking at u, Kunikida), so he acts even more over-the-top in order to annoy them even more, so there’s even less of a chance for them to worry about him, ever. He’s not comfortable sharing how he really feels with anyone anymore, so he makes sure no one ever wants to ask or wonder (”oh it’s just Dazai being Dazai, as usual”). That being said…

I’m sure there are days when he’s worse, and it’s a lot harder for him to hide it in the ADA. Atsushi obviously is most likely the only person he will ever let himself be somewhat vulnerable around now, and Atsushi will try to help him but not push him too much. So Dazai might share some things, but not too much; probably not until he and Atsushi have been with each other for a long time. Obviously, anything to do with Oda will make it hard for Dazai to retain his goofy facade, particularly Oda’s birthday and the anniversary of his death, among other, random days.

Realted to the above, Dazai never cries imo; the most he will ever allow himself is for his eyes to get barely heated or watery, and of course only when he’s alone. The only time I believe he ever full-on cried was after Oda’s death.

To Dazai, Atsushi represents Oda’s legacy, and in some ways he tries to guide Atsushi in the way that he felt like Oda guided his kids, although I’m sure that he knows he isn’t nearly as good enough for that as Oda was. But Atsushi is definitely extremely important to Dazai for so many reasons, and I’m sure he would definitely do anything to keep him safe, and genuinely be terrified if he was in serious danger.

I believe that Dazai respects Kunikida highly despite how much he trolls him, because Kunikida is basically a mix of Oda and Ango, personality-wise and morals-wise. Behind Atsushi, he’s the person Dazai cares about the most in the present time, as much as he doesn’t show it.

Similarly, imo Dazai highly respects Fukuzawa for how he runs the ADA, and for his morals and how welcoming he is to new members, which, surprise surprise, probably also reminds Dazai of Oda. But there’s another component to it, and that is how Fukuzawa is versus how Dazai’s old boss, Mori, was. It’s obvious that Mori was emotionally and mentally abusive and very unhealthy for Dazai, but I don’t think Dazai himself really felt that horror until Mori “betrayed” him by setting things up so that Oda would be led into death, and then refused to help save his life; Fukuzawa, on the other hand, values every single life of his subordinates, whereas Mori would gladly sacrifice anyone for the sake of the entire organization (and himself), and I think that difference is something that was foreign to Dazai and hard for him to trust at first, but is now something he wholeheartedly appreciates and respects about Fukuzawa. That’s my headcanon, at least, and something I think about with those two (and thinking in general about other major differences in how the ADA operates versus what Dazai just took for granted in the mafia, and how little things might still take him off-guard in the ADA even now).

[velociraptoraddict]

1) oh man, would you believe me if I told you late December of 2019? 😂 (I made it my new years resolution to write more, and pretty much haven't stopped since lol)

2) oh! Yeah I think I know which one you mean! It's adorable and I think it's name starts with a K?

3) I love purple too X3 though I think green would be my top choice (but the two combined? *Chefs kiss*)

4) oh yeah? I've heard great stuff about his work but haven't actually checked any of it out yet

5a) oh man that's a tough one, there's so many XD hmm, I really love the shapeshifting too! It's a little tricky to write, and I feel like they don't change their shape in story as often as they do in my daydreams but I think it's a really neat ability! I also like how Loughran are a legitimate hive mind (Irkens are a bit more of a pseudo hive mind, as they get orders and such from the Control Brains and are sorta linked to them via their PAKs, but they're not all connected to each other, so they are still considered individuals with separate names and personalities all with their own goals (to an extent) just like real insects (yup, I don't consider ants or bees as true hive minds either, though I'd argue that some fungus might fit the bill 😃))

5b) And I really like my origin story for them too. Like how they went through a sort of rapid evolution, starting out as a single almost mindless entity that sorta "awoke" when that research party landed on their planet and by splitting up and having one part Bond with someone the rest gained that knowledge, then they divided further and started shuffling Bondmates around to learn about different perspectives and eventually developed their own society.

Sadly, we don't get to see much (if any of this) with Chomp since they're perma-Bonded with Kailah. And, because they were sent away from the rest of the Loughran before they could properly sync up, they're lacking in the whole "knowledge department" from that development, which is why they're so vague on the details about their own kind, and part of why they didn't realize sooner that something was wrong when they landed and awoke on Earth without being connected to the whole

5c) fun fact: Chomp's personality actually comes from their previous Bondmates. ie, anxiety from the squirrel, fear and paranoia from the two rabbits, the analytical/patience of a predator from the fox, and anger from the badger. The crow gave them flight, I know it's not really a personality traits but it comes up a lot XD (also, Chomp tends to prefer their crow form when they have to become something small, and that's a leftover from that Bond as well).

Another fun fact branching off from that; Chomp's voice is described as "several over lapping voices, mostly masculine but with a hint of Kailah's own inner voice" actually alludes to their previous Bondmates! Loughran pick up the inner Voice of those they Bond with, so if a Loughran has only Bonded with one person, then they'd only have that one voice (which I bet would be super confusing for that person XD like you're having thoughts that aren't yours) and if they've had hundreds of Bondmates then their voice would echo as such. That's why in the prologue, Chomp doesn't actually speak, just acknowledges through emotions, because they hadn't Bonded with anyone at that point

😅 sorry if I went off on a bit of a tangent there, but I have so much Loughran lore that I haven't even found a place to squeeze into the story yet, so it's just swirling around in my head lol There's more, but it goes into spoilers for the Pod so you'll have to wait for that (unfortunately probably another chapter or two (or eight lol), 15 is SUPER Dib focused with him working on his glasses, seriously, it's like 80% inner monologue and going through the motions of fixing them 😅.

And SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS 16 will feature Zim post forest adventure, and 17 is going to be Friday, probably Dib's pov? Not sure yet, but Saturday is where the answers should start revealing themselves...so depending on how many chapters Friday lasts (XD seriously, I don't know why it's taken me 100k words to get through half a week lol) we should see something from the Pod front shortly >_> END SPOILERS

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