#well. so so sorry my friends. it's been one thing after another/the damn things overlap/etc

[higherhell]

Man how long was I out. I haven't posted since like April? Time Blindness without limits. Living deliriously.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja 

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

[meta-squash]

Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating),  difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

 Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush�� in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.

[arinaco]

The tragedy of Allura in the seasons 7-8

Edited by https://twitter.com/Nadezhda932

Warning: Allurance will get an unpleasant rating. If you're happy with this ship in S 7-8 - just go by. Because I'm confident in my opinion, and you can't convince me otherwise.

Many people have questions about the behavior of Allura after S7. Someone will even say that the scriptwriters are idiots who tried to abruptly jump from Lotura to Allurance; that Allura is a bastard who decided to use Lance as a backup plan etc.

In response, I will say: screenwriters who wrote the original script for S7-8 knew what they were doing. And Allura is the last person who deserves to be hated at this moment, because she's the most unhappy character in S7-8, and does not deserve such negativity at all.

Let's remember what happened to Allura at the end of S 6.

At the beginning of the season, Lotor's been traveling with paladins for several months. Kral Zera took place. Allura admires Lotor, Allura is in love for the first time, sincerely and seriously.

On the other hand, mice report to Allura about Lance. It probably never occurred to Lance that they would do it (they are mice!), otherwise he would never have said that. And here the problems begin, since such confessions always (!) spoil a good friendship. Not a relationship that cools down over time and becomes friendship, but such a confession.

Why? Because the first thing that Allura felt when she heard this was guilt. She didn't offend Lance, she never encouraged him in this regard, but still felt guilty. And guilt is a terrible thing that can push us to absolutely wrong things.

"Allura: Oh.... he said that?"

In addition, after such a confession... you may not want this, but this isn't under your control: from now on you will always look at your relationship with this person through the prism of this confession. Awkwardness and constant thoughts about how this person will interpret your actions. You can’t just hug him or express gratitude any other way. Each time you will think about being misunderstood. Because you don't want these relationships, you don't want to offend and you're afraid that your actions will be misunderstood.

In this particular case, Lance didn't even confess directly. If after official confession both are aware of the uncomfortable situation, then only Allura felt uncomfortable The rest interpreted her behavior without taking confession into account. Just because they didn’t know.

And then... Romelle happens. You can’t say otherwise. I have no good attitude towards Romelle simply because after all her actions she got a happy ending, and Allura, whom she had broken all her life, died in depression. Sorry, but this is so unfair that it makes no difference to me how right or wrong Romelle was in her claims.

Too. Much. Blood. Too much lives were sacrificed for her revenge. 

And Allura is the first victim among all.

"Romelle: You killed my brother and thousands of others!"

Rommelle was brought by Keith. The second culprit of this mess. The culprit is because at that moment of the series Keith felt that he had the right to command and decide. But he didn't feel the weight of this responsibility. Seriously, Keith didn't think about that everyone else would pay for his every mistake. Too much conviction in his being right, too much speed in decisions when he held in his hands, in fact, the fate of the whole universe.

I believe that in the original S8 he should have been poked into it with his face. But here he wasn't. Keith made many hasty decisions for which he never paid - he didn't bear responsibility as a leader.

And the first among them is to leave Lotor in the Rift to die.

It was not Allura who decided to kill Lotor. She wanted to release the rage, but obviously didn't want to leave him in the Rift. The decision was made by Keith. And his statement that they shouldn't waste time on this is ridiculous. Paladins are ready to defend any random guy they've just met, and then they leave to die the one a) with whom they worked together for several months, b) who saved their lives several times, c) who is the head of a huge empire.

But Keith felt that he had the right to decide, and he made a decision. Without thinking about the consequences.

"Allura: But we can't just leave him!

Keith: Lotor's made his choice. Let's get out of here, Allura"

After this situation, Allura feels awful. She didn't think that all this would end like this, because she absolutely didn't plan to kill him. And besides, she feels betrayed by the person she loves. Yes, feelings can't disappear at once. At this particular moment, Allura still loves Lotor.

She feels bad. She needs support and understanding. But what does she get?

"Keith: As I recall, you were the one who got us all cozied up to Lotor"

After all the events Keith, convinced in his right to make decisions, accuses her of trusting Lotor. We can say that this is an echo of being offended at how Allura didn't trust Keith because of his origin. But Keith did wrong anyway.

Having received the support of the others, Keith directly shows that Allura won't receive any sympathy in her grief. That any words on the subject “I love him, but he deceived me” or “I didn't want his death” will be critisized.

And the only one who supports her is Lance. He's here for her without a second thought, simply because he is a good compassionate person.

He did absolutely right in this situation. But this was another nail in the lid of the coffin of friendship with Allura because of a damned confession.

"Lance: You can't doubt yourself. We need you. The universe needs you"

Because Lance is no longer just a good friend, whose support is natural - he is in love and suffers from non-reciprocity of his feelings. As a result, gratitude overlapped with guilt, and Allura felt obliged to Lance.

Take a look at this cocktail of emotions:

Allura is under stress after the killing and betrayal of Lotor;

Allura feels guilty for trusting Lotor;

Allura feels guilty for the fact that Lance loves her, but she doesn't love him back;

Allura feels obliged to Lance for his support;

And all this accumulates by the beginning of S7.

And all the actions of Allura should be considered taking into account the presence of this terrible clump of feelings.

And I haven’t listed everything yet, by the way.

Allura lost her castle. The castle was her home and the last small stronghold of Altea. Where were all her personal belongings, all that was left of her homeland. The castle made Allura an independent unit with its property, and then she lost it.

As a result, Allura comes to Earth almost without nothing. And she feels it, looking at her friends who were at home surrounded by their relatives. Allura herself literally turned into a refugee, whose position is completely dependent on the loyalty of her friends. She talks about it in plain text, by the way. She becomes dependent on the good attitude of the other paladins.

"Allura: Each of us was alone, but we were alone together"

If Coran quickly joined the company of commanders and scientists, Allura remained alone simply as a Blue paladin. In an absolutely replaceable role, what Allura understands very well.

And don't forget about the loss of the crown. I laugh in the face of the one who claims that it was easy for Allura to part with the crown. Allura was proud of her legacy, her origin and involvement in the royal family of Altea. She always recalled her old life with nostalgia and said that she's missing all this. Allura was not “an unhappy rich girl, burdened by her position,” Allura was a princess, completely content with her life and proud of how much duty she was destined to fulfill for the benefit of the whole society.

The crown was a symbol of all that Allura treasured so much. In S8, Allura sadly recalls that she is no longer a princess and has no political power.

"Allura: Oh, right, I... um..."

But back to our S7. It's still more or less tolerant. Allura locks herself in and concentrates on work. At the same time, she can no longer communicate with Lance like it was before. Now Lance is no longer a friend, comrade and brother, he is "a boy who likes me and whom I am afraid to offend by refusal." Allura feels obligated and, wanting to be grateful, wants to encourage Lance by telling him something good. But then again, she can't do it calmly. Now Allura looks at any Lance's actions as potentially romantic.

And it's logical that she is embarrassed. Allura wasn't sophisticated in this matter, and being in a relationship with Lotor doesn't count as at the time she didn't think about at all what was romantic or not.

"Allura: I wanted to say... stay safe out there"

And naturally, the environment that doesn't know the situation begins to interpret this wrongly. Do you really think that Veronica would persuade Lance to date Allura if she knew that not so long ago the paladins murdered her almost fiance?

"Veronica: Looks like the princess likes you back"

So Lance himself began to notice that Allura’s attitude towards him had changed.

I won't talk about the sincerity of the feelings of Lance and his personal problems, this is a question on a different topic, about his problems with self-acceptance. I’ll just say that it’s completely in Lance’s character that he immediately started thinking on the topic that “I’m not worthy of Allura, I’m just a simple Cuban guy, she will refuse me”. Moreover, judging by the behavior of Hunk in the S1S8, Lance constantly annoyed Hunk with this topic. But Hunk, being a confident guy (despite his overweight, by the way), didn't understand such problems. If you like a girl - go and tell her about it. Yes, she can refuse you, but this is not the end of the world in fact.

"Hunk: You asked her, didn’t you? Oh, and she said no" 

That's why Hunk is behaving this way. He probably told Lance more than once that he should go and talk with Allura. Moreover, Hunk knew Allura perfectly. Therefore, he didn't only ask Lance: “Did you confess to her?”, but immediately suggested that she refused him. Since his predictions are what Lance should have heard. And when he kicks Lance to Allura, he wants Lance to just put an end to this. He'll to Allura, she'll refuse him, and Lance will begin to live on, ceasing to torment himself on this subject.

Why this retreat about Hunk? In order to correctly understand the situation with the invitation of Allura on a date.

You know, if Lance pulled himself together and went to invite Allura alone, that would be wonderful. They would have spoken without witnesses, and perhaps Allura was even frank with him. If Lance went with Hunk only, then Hunk would just stand by and didn't get into the conversation. And also everything would have turned out more or less good both for Allura and for Lance.

But, alas, our wonderful Romelle is here again. She obviously had nothing to do at a military facility, and therefore she toiled from boredom. So she sincerely enthusiastically took on the role of matchmaker, wishing everyone only the best, but knowing absolutely nothing about the characters of Lance, Allura, and all that connected them.

And Romelle did the most disgusting thing. She began to persuade Allura.

"Romelle: It’ll be good to get away for a night and clear your head"

Sorry, but if a girl says that she's busy, it means that she makes you politely understand that she's not interested in the invitation. And if Lance was alone or simply with Hunk, then the hint would be understood, and Lance would back up. Lance, unlike Romelle, is a smart guy.

And just think about what situation Allura faced.

She feels guilty, feels obligated to Lance. She feels dependent on a good relationship with the paladins. She is still struggling with her loss. And they're persuading her, using statements that they're taking care of her, that they wish only good to her, but she doesn't appreciate it.

And Allura broke. She gave up.

I don't believe in claims that Allura tried to drown her pain with these relationships. At no point in S8 Allura looks like a person who's trying to get at least some pleasure from this relationship. At the first opportunity to stay alone, she kicks Lance to the fair. Because this relationship strained Allura even more, and she wanted to at least have a little rest.

"Allura: Please, go have fun!"

She holds onto Lance as the only person she can get support from. But as a friend, not as a boyfriend. Just because he's the only one from whom she can receive this support.

You know, I have big questions about a kiss on a date. About the kisses of Lance and Allura in the whole S8. No matter how fake it is and that they were not in the original plot. The question is different. From the point of view of commonplace medicine, during a period of stress and depression a woman's libido completely falls. It's the logic of the body: a woman in stress means it's dangerous to have children. The kisses that we see in classic films are kisses after stress, when the euphoria begins. In no one scenario is there a scene where a woman, being stressed or depressed, gives a long romantic kiss to a man.

Short kisses can be interpreted as an attempt to calm, as a gentle touch or part of a hug. But a long kiss implies the presence of attraction, which a woman in depression doesn't have at all. And from the point of view of medicine and psychology, the kiss of Lance and Allura is interpreted as "It's easier to give, than to explain why you don't want to." When Allura surrendered and simply decided to give Lance what he wants. Because she was tired of fighting beyond the boundaries of her personal space, and this relationship saved her from feeling guilty.

In this situation, by the way, I really want to say a few words in defense of Coran. Because it's believed that he patriarchally blessed Lance on this matter, without being interested in the opinion of Allura. Which is completely wrong. When Lance comes to Coran, Allura has already agreed. Moreover, the first impulse of Coran is protest and indignation. From his point of view, it was a serious misalliance, and a simple Cuban guy was not at all regarded as an equal to his priceless princess. But Coran shuts himself up out of respect and love for Allura, since he considers her opinion. And he begins to educate Lance as a little one on the topic of courtship for girls, showing us what he thinks about Lance's abilities in this regard.

If Coran was with Allura at the time of the invitation to a date, then Romelle would have been shut up categorically. Alas, Coran was not there at that moment.

We know how it all ended. Very sad and tragic. Relationships with Lance hardly played a huge role in this, in fact, Allura was in very serious condition without them.

During the last seasons she sees how her friends are happy to return home to their families. And then she sees the ghosts of her family, her dead lover. And in the end she very quickly and uncompromisingly decides to sacrifice herself.

Do you understand how this is interpreted?

When life became so bad that death is perceived as deliverance. As a way to get what you lost, but so desperately want to return.

The owner of the franchise, Bob Koplar, wrote that this sacrifice was a great honor for Allura.

Great honor. To kill yourself after a long depression. She couldn't even talk about why she was depressed. She had no one to talk about. She died looking confident in her decision. Because life has become worse for her than death.

Not a single female character in any animated series for children died such a sad and terrible death. By God, an episode in DotU, where Allura "died" from the Haggar's venom was more gentle for the psyche of children.

So let's say a big thank you to Bob for this wonderful script. And for the broken hearts of children on Christmas holidays.

As well as mine.

[kbstories]

Flower Asks :D anemone, gardenia, hydrangea, iris, rose, water lily, pansy, lavendar (there were so many good questions, I'm sorry, I couldn't decide!)

Thank you so much for all these questions (and sorry for the long wait OTL). This got pretty long so I’ll put it under a cut c:

Send me a flower!

anemone: how old were you when you first started writing?

I don’t know exactly at which age I started writing creatively, I think I must’ve been around 10 or 11? The first thing I can remember was a one-page story about a female velociraptor (I was a Dinosaur Kid) that I sent to my mom’s office so she could print it out. Later on, I made an attempt at writing a novel (must’ve been in 9th grade or so?) and got about 60 pages deep until I gave up due to over-editing. Those are pretty much the only projects I had pre-fanfic times.

When it comes to writing as an actual hobby: I started writing fic in 2015.

gardenia: what is the setting in which you write best?

It really depends on my mood! If it’s a story that flows easily without much plot, I tend to write it at home in my bed with my laptop balanced on my legs. When it comes to plot-heavy or difficult pieces, I made a habit to go to a café or the library. Those are more like writing papers for me honestly - I need a time window of 2-5 hours to really get into it, and Get Shit Done.

hydrangea: what inspired you to begin writing in the first place?

A few things, I think. One, my group of friends at the time were all into writing (some RP, some fic, some original stuff); two, I got back into gaming, something I had been careful about after my addiction to WoW, and rediscovered how beautiful game narratives are (it was Deus Ex for which I finally wrote my first serious fic); and three, the encouragement of a close friend of mine to finally put down a few of those ideas we shared. It was all fairly casual until Vkaz rolled around aaand here we are today.

iris: do you prefer writing about a man or a woman character? why?

Statistically, men. I have little to no experience writing women, not because I dislike female characters per se but because I tend to be drawn to the friends turned lovers and/or commander/subcommander trope and that’s almost exclusively shown for men (in a believable, non-cringy way). Let’s be honest, most women in media are horribly written, and even those that are well written don’t have good, interesting relationships (platonic, romantic or otherwise) to go with them.

Long story short, I think Quiet (and now Alisa from Tekken) are the only girls I’ve really worked with. The fact that not a single one of my fics passes the Bechdel test is so sad but alas.

rose: which of your works is your favorite? why?

Oh man, this is a tough one, not because I love all of them or hate all of them but because most of my fics, for me, are kinda... neutral? Like they’re there, they’ve been posted because I found them alright enough to do so, but reading them as the person who wrote them makes it hard to see them as anything special.

That being said, the first one that came to mind is Search For Tomorrow (I’ll Light The Dawn), specifically chapter 6. I still remember how giddy I was about getting to that chapter, how easy it flowed (which for a part of the series is a damn miracle) and how much fun it was to write it. There are just some chapters in the series that came out exactly how I wanted them to, and this one is definitely one of them.

Another that was pretty cool to write was Our Love (Is Written In Sand); not only was it a gift fic for someone special, but it’s a beach fic that I wrote whilst actually being at the beach. I still remember writing the new parts on my writing pad (with my pen half-dying because of the sand getting stuck in it), then going back to the appartment to type it down and save it. Pretty cool indeed.

water lily: what helps you get through writer’s block?

Ughhh writer’s block is... bad. In the past I had a whole catalogue of tricks I tried to prevent it with - listening to specific music, going to specific places, changing mediums until I hit one that kinda works - but by now I just realized that being blocked means that something is actively keeping my brain from thinking creatively. The more I try to force it, the more frustrating it will get, the sadder I will be in the end. My advice in this case, quite honestly, is to simply wait if you can. Take a break. Don’t guilt yourself over it, your creativity will come back and the stuff you end up writing will be all the better for it.

pansy: do you keep your blog a secret to people you know personally?

Yes and no. I don’t really flaunt my blog IRL but I do give out my URL to friends and “fandomy” people I meet here and there, at cons and the like. I have nothing to hide - despite what I wrote earlier about my works I am proud of my work as a fic writer, I do like talking fandom online or otherwise, etc.

The only exception is family (they know it exists, but not the URL) and people I’m uncomfortable around.

lavender: what is the most important thing to you as a writer?

Staying true to your own interests. No matter how popular or unpopular you and/or your ship is in the fandom, write what you want to read. Like I said, I tried forcing it, and sometimes it’s for a good cause (I forced most of the last part of the series despite being burnt out just to see it done, for example), but in most cases it’s just unnecessarily stressful to write stuff you’re not really in the mood for, or don’t really have a passion for. In my experience, getting more and more involved in fandom can be pretty distracting, so much so that you eventually lose track of your personal projects in favor of fandom events, collabs, gift fics, etc. Being a part of something can be really redeeming, yes - but not for the price of what you actually want to do. If those two things overlap, great! If not, take a step back, and see what you can do about it.