#well. its 5:30 pm. tracking info still says 'come pick it up!'

[silasopossum]

this may be the worst experience i have ever had with USPS. they have been stringing me along for over a week now and wasted a collective 3 hours of my time SO FAR (plus a day of me waiting at my house for a delivery that never came instead of oging to the grocery store like i usually do on saturdays) and now theyre trying to waste even more. silas is IN MY CITY and they keep telling me "oh were gonna send him out right now!" then they dont do it. then they call me. then icall them back. then they try to lie to me and tell me that actually nobody called me and i probably have the wrong number. what the fuck??? i was told 3 times by 3 different people he would be shipped out to me TODAY. he is not fucking here. i try to pick him up in person? he is "misplaced" and they cant find him and i should wait and maybe i will eventually get him redelivered to my residence so i dont have to waste hours on public transit.

[of-another-broken-heart]

Going to the doctor tomorrow. Just gonna show up and hope that 1) I still have insurance and 2) that my PCP hasn’t changed and 3) they can take a walk-in. 

How fucked is it that my phone anxiety is so goddamn bad that I’m more okay with doing an unannounced walk-in and probably having to wait for hours, than just use the fucking phone? Ha ha ha... 

I honestly just need the damn infection treatment meds. I hope I’m going early enough that I’ve spared myself the immense pain I went through last time. Time will tell. It doesn’t seem much bigger or smaller today - just more tender because I’ve fucked with it so much and tried to squeeze the infection out before it could really do its whole infection thing. I’ve swabbed it with rubbing alcohol several times and slapped a bandaid on it to keep myself from picking at it more and risking making it worse. 

Also, I’ve been sitting on a correspondence from my insurance for over a month because I had to “make an appointment” to CALL them to confirm my re-enrollment or whatever. Literally you had to call. There was no online way to do it, there was no office listed to go to (at least none that I could find within 50 miles of here) - it has to be done by the phone. Twice, technically, because first you have to call to schedule the fucking “appointment” and then you have to hope they keep the damn appointment and take it during the appointed time - or, y’know, whenever they decide to call, appointment time be damned. 

Suffice to say, I never fucking called. 

BUT I did get confirmation that I was automatically re-enrolled? 

But the thing is I’m enrolled through the ACA Medicaid expansion thing. So the state-level government part sent me that confirmation. Meanwhile the actual insurance company I was “sorted into” (for lack of a better phrase) is the one who wanted me to call. 

So. IDK. I assume the information trickled down from the fed/state level. But what do I know. 

Today... today feels like it just blinked out of existence tbh. I lost most of it this morning as a result of not being able to sleep. I finally got to sleep around 8 AM I think. Then I was in bed the whole day. Literally the whole fucking day. I tried to set alarms. It accomplished nothing for me. I woke up exactly enough to disable the alarms. I managed to get up, finally, around 6 PM. 

What finally got me up? An overwhelming sense of panic that I was too late on work stuff. Which was partially based in reality I guess. 

Problem is my brain just... isn’t online today. 

Work wasn’t even that bad. Probably like... 10 quantifiable tasks came in? More sales than tests. 

Sales headache: there’s some new insurance thing going on where Title insurers need to get in on the continuing education requirements. I’m not sure if Title insurers are new as a whole, or if the CE req is new, or what. The headache comes in here: They want/need their company on the final documents, not necessarily the individual’s name. But 1) despite my boss setting up some different sales items the descriptions don’t clarify which items are for which target groups; and 2) unless I manually check each and every license number we get in, I have no way of knowing which ones are for title companies vs individuals - because all the orders come in with individual info, not company info. At some point I’ll learn which sales IDs refer to individuals vs title companies. Then I’ll have to stress about retroactively updating my files to reflect that difference. 

Sales headache, continued: I have to make sure all the right materials get to the right people, I have to track them all in the master registration, AND I have to set up each individual sale in the testing platform. With 5 different courses being sold, and multiple “versions” of each (boss has some special ones set up for particular company groups, plus the new Title shit) it’s almost overwhelming keeping it all straight. 

Test headache: there were only 3 complete tests that came in today. There was a fourth, but it was a repeat. Which is super fucking annoying because this dude had me MAKE a copy of our files FOR HIM (because he wasn’t keeping his own records) so he could check it to avoid this - and he’s not even using it! Because this duplicate test was IN that file. But he went ahead and set this person up with the exact same fucking course and test again. And some fault falls on that person - they should be keeping track of which course(s) they’ve taken before, too, to avoid wasting time and money on repeat classes. THEN, those 3 that were full files? Only 1 was done properly (online) - the other 2 were on paper (fuuuuccckkkk) and 1 of them was from that dude who doesn’t even score the shit (FFUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK). The 3 tests were for 2 different courses, so reporting was split, I could only bath 2 of the 3, and even that didn’t work and I ended up having to do most things manually anyway. 

I’m not looking forward to tallying my hours this month. I’ve been really out of it and not keeping track well, but it’s also been fairly busy and so the tallying process is going to take a while. 

I finished things around 9:30 PM. I still feel like I fucked absolutely everything up. But we’ll see. I probably didn’t. Just feels like I did. 

Mom made a nice baked ziti for dinner. I ate soup as dinner-part-two in the wee hours of the morning, but obviously I didn’t eat anything since that, having been in bed the whole fucking day. 

I made myself some coffee (pumpkin - I have pumpkin coffee for practically the rest of eternity at this point) which may or may not reveal itself to be a mistake. I want lattes still. But that whole Dark Mark barista situation unsettled me way more than I thought it did. And I find myself not wanting to go there at all now. idk, since I’d swapped to living off canned food (instead of fast food) I guess I’d shifted my “treat yourself” shopping/food therapy to warm coffee goods, and the whole star program made it worth it to me. Gave me the illusion of being moderately successful and independent and not a wretched basement troll. I think I liked that even more than the treats themselves, honestly. 

My brain’s flopping around like a fish dropped on a boat deck. I don’t know. I’m feeling lots of ways but mostly just trying to survive. 

I need to tap out on the political front for a while. I’m genuinely overwhelmed right now. Feeling more than a little hopeless. Etc.