#well anyway writing this was kinda knackering. I'll stop rambling in the tags soon but my goodness

[liittlemac-a]

Hiraeth

hiraeth (n.) a homesickness for a home to which one cannot return, a home that never was; the nostalgia, the grief for the lost places in your past.

“I told you, I don't like driving around this part of town…”

“Don't care. Keep drivin’.”

Birdy sighed as he turned a corner, grip on the steering wheel growing a little tighter. He glanced over to Mac, who was staring out the window, leg bouncing up and down. His head was purposely turned away to conceal the fact he was biting his knuckle, and Birdy had to tut. “I hate it when you do that. Your hands get all bloodied and gross.” He grunted, not easing the tension in the vehicle at all.

“Don’t care.” He repeated. It was a short response, but his hand withdrew from his mouth. Silence fell again, and after a few minutes, Mac broke it again. “Here- h-here, pull over…” He piped up, head perking up.

The Special Circuit Champion nodded, and did as told. Once the car came to a stop, before he even had a chance to turn the engine off, Mac hopped out of the car, door slamming right behind him as he paced ahead. “J-Jeez, Mac, calm down…” He muttered with a roll of his eyes, quickly rushing out after him, making sure to lock his car behind him. He had to jog to catch up with him, speed-walking at his side to keep up with him. “So, where exactly are we going? You never said.”

Mac's head was down, hands deep in his pockets. His hood cast a shadow over his face and eyes as he pressed forward. “I'll tell ya when we get there.” He answered, hastily. From the tone, he knew it wasn't going to be good. But Birdy only nodded.

“Alright, then…”

After a few minutes of walking, Mac suddenly came to a halt. Birdy nearly walked right into him, blinking at the sudden stop. “W-What's up?” He questioned with a frown. The shorter of the two glanced up at him, then at the building they stopped just before.

Bright yellow “DO NOT CROSS” tape bandaged the whole building, windows smashed in. The walls were ashen, charred black, some of the grass singed right down. The smell of burning loomed in the air, and Mac took a step forward towards the high chain link fence that caged around the place. It took a few moments for Birdy to put together the pieces, and when he did, his hand quickly reached out to touch his shoulder in a gesture of wordless comfort.

His hand gripped at the cold metal on the fencing, a struggled breath passing his lips. “I-I didn't think I'd be so f-f-fuckin’ upset, about this fuckin’ place.” Birdy's grip on his shoulder squeezed lightly, and he inhaled sharply. “I saw it- l-last night, th’ news… W-Was an accident, apparently, but…”

He whimpered like a wounded animal, before growling, kicking the fence half-heartedly. “G-God-- God damn it! Th-That was- that was my home…!” Tears that he'd been forcing back fell out of his eyes like a river, choking on a sob. His fists balled up tightly, and Birdy had to wrap his arms around him to prevent him from throwing a punch. Once restrained, however, the boy only tried to wrestle away from his hold. “I-It's g-gone, it's gone--! Wh-Why-- WHY!”

“I-It's okay, it's okay, it's okay…!” He'd never seen Mac get so hysterical before, and for a moment he feared he'd lose it. Mac's fists flailed through the air, shouting a flurry of incoherent language, before he turned to cling around him, grabbing for fist fulls of Birdy's shirt, face against his chest. He was crying so much, the front of his shirt became damp in no time, his chest heaving and body trembling violently. He leaned against him for both comfort and support, legs threatening to buckle and give out as he sobbed like a child, grief hitting him like a punch to the gut. “C-C'mon, deep breaths, okay?”

His hand rose to Mac's hair, lightly running through it in an attempt to soothe his pain. The tears burned as they fell down his face, face red and raw as he sniffled, attempting to follow Birdy's words as he sobbed. He breathed in, throat tight and painful, chest aching. His heart felt like it had been torn in two halves, but was still beating in his chest wildly. “It was m-my ho-o-ome…” He stammered, burying his face further into the fabric of Birdy's shirt, coughing and choking on a sob. “I-It's gone- it-s all g-go-o-ne!”

Birdy's chest tightened, sighing painfully, head resting on his. His eyes shut as he tried to not begin crying himself, allowing Mac to weep as much as he needed. He was glad the streets of this neighborhood was quiet; the silence and emptiness was almost mournful, but it saved Mac the humiliation of strangers staring. His fingers thread through dyed blue locks, twirling them, as he softly hushed him. There was no words for what felt like forever. But after a while, Mac's hands relaxed, his head lifting slowly with a weak sniffle.

Birdy had never seen him look so… Broken, dejected. Blue eyes fell to the floor, but before Mac could defensively close himself up again, Birdy's hand reached for his. “H-Hey…” His eyes were wide with concern, brows furrowed together, and Mac looked up. There was eye contact for a split second, before looking to the floor again, gently squeezing his hand.

“I'm s-s-sorry. I--” It took everything to not just burst into tears a second time. He held it back, inhaling deeply through his nose to keep himself steady. “I didn't th-think it would hurt s-so-- so f-f-fuckin' bad…”

A soft smile emerged on Birdy's face, if only for a second. “You don't have to apologise. I… I heard it in the news, too, but...” His eyes directed to the building again. An old, run-down foster home… It probably didn't look much better before the fire. Thankfully no one was hurt in the incident. Not directly. “I didn't think, for a second…” He trailed off, head bowing a little. Mac understood. “It should be me saying sorry.”

“D-Don't worry. I-It's fine.” He mumbled, shoulders falling slack. “I… I-It's been on my mind, for a while, this place, an’ all… when I h-heard about it, I- I didn't believe it, y'know? I couldn't- c-couldn't--”

Tears welled up in his eyes again, and he withdrew his hand to wipe them away. Birdy's expression grew sympathetic. He knew Mac's past was very much something he held close to his chest, and whilst he knew the outline of what happened from what he had chose to share, a lot of grief went unspoken for. He supposed Mac had been holding in a lot of pain for sometime, and this had been what been the last straw. Mac's head turned to the ruins again, blue gaze still teary.

“...I jus’ always- I always wanted a family. A- A real one. That's all.” It pained him to utter those words. He breathed in, then out, bottom lip quivering. There was a long moment of hesitation. “I found them.”

Birdy blinked, puzzled. “Who...?”

“My… M-My real family. B-Biological, I mean. I contacted them, w-waitin’ on an answer right now.”

“What?! I--” He halted himself, taken aback by the statement. He had to stop himself from saying something rash in his shock. Birdy's head tilted as he shuffled a little closer. “I thought you didn't care about them? What happened?”

“I don't.” He said it like it was obvious, eyes narrowing for a moment. “B-But I can't live without answers, anymore. I can't-- I- I jus’ want to know why I wasn't good enough.”

Birdy gave a sigh. There was something that rubbed him the wrong way about the statement. Without thinking, he objected. “Mac, you know that's not why they did it. You haven't even met them--”

“N-No, you don't get it, Mackenzie.” Birdy silenced at the use of his real name, and the far firmer tone, almost angry. But his voice softened when he continued. “I- I grew up here, i-in there-- an'- a-an’ they put me through fuckin’ Hell an’ back. All I wanted was t’ b-be… Jus’... Wit��� somebody that loved me, for f-f-fuckin' once! I-- I-I wanted a dad, a mom, a s-somethin’. A-Anything. B-But nobody wanted me when I wanted someone.”

He was crying again, but he hastily reached up to wipe the trail of tears away again. Birdy didn't argue with his response. It was true; it was not something he'd ever come close to understanding, having grown up with almost everything at his feet. “D-Doc… will always be more of a parent t-t’ me, more than they'll ever be, y-y'know. I jus’...” He shook his head. “I want- I want an answer, b-before I lose 'em again…”

“...Okay. O-Of course.” Birdy breathed out. He couldn't stop Mac from doing what he wanted, anyway. And if this was what he wanted, and his parents- wherever they were- agreed, then… There wasn't much more he could do besides root for him in his corner.

“Look…” He sighed  “Sorry, f’ bein'- bein’ a dick about it.” Mac waved dismissively. The comment earned a little smile from the other, and even if his face was still raw and reddened from crying, he managed one himself. He stared between the chain link fence for another minute, before turning back to him, shaking his head again.

“L-Let's go-- I-I'll be here all day, otherwise…” He mumbled, beginning to walk ahead, much slower than before. A hand gently pat his back as he walked, and Mac glanced up at Birdy. The taller boxer's eyes were full of concern and uncertainty, but he wore a smile.

“I… promise. I promise I'm always here for you, okay?” Birdy said, voice soft and gentle. “You're my best friend. I just want the very best for you.”

As if nothing had happened, he scoffed, rolling his eyes. Right back to the boisterous attitude, it seemed. “Oh shut up, you fuckin’- fuckin’ sap.”

Despite his remark, a smile formed on his own face, even if it were weak.

“R-Right back atcha.”