#we're temp signed into it to check around on some things

[bettertwin1]

Sometimes we look at our main twt and consider posting on there again and then we see the panic and turmoil from that graveyard of a timeline we left behind and it makes me realize that i really don't want to go back to that ever again

[regular-lord-reckoner]

yesterday was pretty exhausting

my dad was doing okay enough that my mom decided to go in for one last day of work before taking off again and apparently upper management wanted to just let her go because she doesn't have enough hours anymore to do fmla and rather than just...y'know, take the situation into consideration, that's what their answer was

thankfully both of our direct managers fought for her and were able to work something out where she'll be able to do some things remotely until she can get enough hours and then they'll let her do fmla

truly cannot wait for the day i can tell his company to kiss the fattest part of my ass and fart in their faces while doing it, fuck y'all

but while she was at work it was me and our family friend here taking care of him and while i really appreciate having his help, i think my dad put on sort of a performance for him yesterday and pushed himself too much

i should have known something was wrong when he kept having me get him hot coffee

even though this man's body composition at this point is probably more coffee than it is water, here lately he hasn't been interested in it because he just wants cold drinks (the colder, the better, he doesn't even want room temp at this point)

and granted he'd only take a sip or two and then just leave it, but that was part of the performance, which okay fine, nothing too serious there, but he did go all day without letting either of us give him anything for anxiety

and i had a feeling that's what was going on because out of nowhere his breathing would get really labored and he'd be looking around a lot (i don't know that he fully slept throughout the day, he would wake up at the slightest little thing) but i kept asking him and asking him if he wanted his medicine and didn't want to force him to take something if he didn't really need it, because it does make him a little groggy so i just kept trying to do right by him, but it backfired

when our family friend left i was in tears by that point because on my own end i stupidly just...kept working the entire time i was sitting there helping take care of him?

from around 6 am to about 6 pm i was either helping my dad or on my computer trying to get caught up on work and i knew better than to do that but there wasn't really anything else i could do

we couldn't sit and talk while he was trying to sleep because it kept waking him up. i didn't want to watch anything on my phone because i wouldn't be able to use headphones.

apart from taking the dog outside and a few of my own bathroom breaks, plus a few minutes i stopped to eat some frozen burritos, i just...worked

and by that point i was starting to think, "okay, he's now got it in his mind this isn't happening, he's going to try to force himself through this (he even said, "i feel better today than i did three days ago!" and something about "shows what doctors know") and it's going to be even worse than what it already is" so my poor mom who's already exhausted and having a day from hell has to console me now. she sat with me for a little bit and calmed me down and sent me outside to the pool so i could cool off and recharge while she handled everything which i'm extremely grateful for

meanwhile, though, she gets my dad in the big bed because that's where he said he wanted to sleep and okay, cool, no problem

she gets him nice and settled and in no time he's having a massive anxiety attack

we're both beating ourselves up today because it just shouldn't have been like that

i think the plan originally was she was just going to work half a day and then come home, but i guess with everything she ended up working a whole day and even though she kept calling and texting to check on him and we gave her the updates, i guess we both just missed the signs that he was just putting on a brave face because of who was here and that we should have insisted more on doing what he actually needed

it's just so hard because i keep wanting to let him do what he wants because it very well could be the last time he does it, y'know, but i also need to really pay attention so that days like yesterday don't happen again because he'll hurt himself and make this harder for himself if we're not careful and nobody wants that

he's been doing better today so far, though

he's back in his hospital bed and has been sleeping his ass off because i'm sure yesterday was exhausting for him big time so my mom's on top of everything and i'm just sitting here in the living room plugging away at work waiting for something to do whenever he wakes up but i'm going to try not to overdo it like i did yesterday because christ

i think he's got a social worker who's supposed to come by today so i hope maybe too that'll help at least point us in the direction of being able to get him some more answers or reassurances or something

i was thinking about it from his perspective in all of this and i think he's at the point where he's just....waiting for permission, i guess?

he keeps asking if there's some kind of schedule or ritual to this and we just keep telling him that not necessarily, this is just what we're doing right now, but i realized that just puts the onus on him to more or less decide, y'know?

because if his body is really shutting down like this and all but screaming at him that it's time i think now it's just sort of up to him whenever he feels ready but i can't imagine having to decide that because it's like...what day do i choose? do i try to make it to my birthday next week or do i just pick a day? and what time? and then what, i just...go? that's it?

yeah, no i can understand why it's hard for him but i just don't want to be the person who gives him that answer because i know him and i know if he feels even a little like it's something we're pushing on him that he'll just give up and call it quits and i don't want that, i want it to be on his terms (as much as can be)

so i guess we'll see how that goes and just keep taking it day by day, moment by moment