#we're both very independent and trying to heal from our trauma

[greppelheks]

Idk if it's nature or nurture, but everytime I see my uncle I realize I'm like a carbon copy of him.

[guavaboyxxx]

i thought i was past writing empty text posts on tumblr, but you stopped talking to me two weeks ago and i can't seem to find a better outlet than this.

i'm always checking to see if you're checking in on me, and you're not anymore.... so i hope that means you're doing better. i fear you're doing worse but i know that if i reached out - i'd be making you worse.

you always said you'd have to delete me from your life if we ever broke up. you'd have to go somewhere new for awhile, or at the very least - pretend that i don't exist. but i do exist. and i don't want to leave. i don't want to leave our mutual place of work, i don't want to leave our mutual friends - but i feel so incredibly guilty for existing.

i finally slept with someone new the other day. without even think about it - i did a check in with myself as soon as he left. to my dismay, i still felt the gap in my chest where you used to reside. i wish i could've done these things while we were still together. i wish things could've been different.

but they never would've been. and it's half my fault too, i was petrified to be myself. there was just some sort of disconnect between your emotional triggers and mine. or maybe, too much of a connection.

it's not that i wasn't trying. i hope you know i never wanted to "give up" or that i ever stopped loving you. i just had poured all of myself out. your final straw was mine aswell. we were both at a point of tipping over and spilling out. i don't think either of us meant for it to get that bad, but i think we're both equally at fault.

there was just something that didn't mesh well between us. could it have been our mutual healed trauma? i think so. that's the only answer that makes sense to me anyway, which is why i harped on us taking time away from eachother to work on ourselves.

i wish you'd have understood. heard me. taken the time. all of your attempts at restablishing connection prematurely - scared me away. i couldn't be met with choosing your love or choosing myself. i need to choose me right now just as much as i believe you need to be choosing you.

i couldn't bare to hear just how in it you still were. i needed to be there for myself. heal some things. and then remeet the man i've loved all these years. but i don't think you understood that. you wanted all of it. i think that maybe letting go wasn't the hardest part for you - but rather you choosing yourself.

i hope that gets easier with time because you deserve the love you so effortlessly give to others. heal from those that have hurt you. be the bigger man. you deserve all the good things in the world - and i pray one day you believe that as much as i do. as much as everyone does. anyone who has ever truly seen your soul knows how golden it is.

it's killing me to not reach out and ask how you're doing. what your plans are, how you're feeling. but i know that's not my place anymore. i know i would now be hurting more than i'd be helping.

i feel helpless. after years of tending to your garden and forgetting to water my own, i'm not sure where all this extra care could even go. i'm doing my best to take care of myself, but there's still so much space where you once were. i miss you so everyday.

i see your things everywhere and it hurts. i pray one day you'll be okay enough to mend the gap and help me get all of your stuff out of this apartment. i could help you pack, i could help you move into your own place. i'm so proud of you for doing that. i really hope it makes you feel independent and strong. and unique. i already know you're going to have the coolest decorations and furniture. i laugh when i think about all the protein bars, chicken, and cosmic brownies that will glitter your pantry.

oh, if only things were different. but they aren't. and we will just have to live with that.

[peachyteabuck]

@heffer-wen

i'm going to try and answer this comprehensively without turning it into a dissertation, both because i'm not a professional and because i'm sure you have better things to do.

the biggest thing is you cannot force help. both because she is your parent, and because you can't force anyone to do anything. that's just a fact of life. if she doesn't want help, regardless of the circumstance, you cannot force help upon her. it is both a) nearly impossible (hyper independence also involves hypervigilance, in my experience) and b) you will likely put yourself in the "people i cannot trust" category really fucking quickly. hyper independence doesn't happen because one day we woke up and the world wasn't safe. it happens because we know the world is unsafe. the world and the people in it has repeatedly taught us through trial and error that the people around us cannot be trusted.

medical attention, in specific, is a common manipulation tactic for abusers AND, from the perspective of a disabled person, we have put most doctors in the "do not trust" category already. i once mentioned the chronic pain in my knees to my old PCP, who recommended 6 months of PT. i don't know if insurance covers that, nor do i have the money or time to go either way, and so i never mentioned it again. my mother once pushed me to go to therapy, then claimed i had "played the therapist like a fiddle." after one more failed therapist, i didn't return until CPS launched an investigation my senior year of HS. guess who is not in therapy anymore.

additionally, i say this without meaning offense, if your desire to help us stresses you out, we're more likely to continue to not let you help. like, at least when i am very triggered, if a person is very eager to help it's a sign that person is looking for leverage. even if this means you could improve our lives, that improvement would come at the cost of it being used as leverage at a later time. hence: eagerness = bad.

admittedly as an autistic person i am confused about how having autistic people in the family leads to hyper independence in the negative sense. i don't think in a vacuum having autistic people to care for leads to neglect for care of the self. did she have to take on a caretaker role? in what way? for how long? because i don't know the circumstance i can't comment on it, but from an outsider perspective placing having autistic loved ones and having a neglectful childhood is a very wild concept.

the side of me that's less healed wants to say if she's not ready to accept help, you can't make her. one day she will die too young from a preventable illness or injury and that's how she wants to go.

the more healed side of me knows you love your mom, and it hurts to see her put herself in positions she doesn't need to. her mom is significantly older than i am, and likely has no ability to approach her own coping mechanisms from a meta standpoint. for her, this is simply the Way Things Are.

i will say i had the advantage of a fuckload of therapy and a desire to understand my own thoughts. my partner also had a lot of understanding of psychology + trauma and so also wasn't coming in blind. really, the biggest thing is they were honest and consistent, which led to me understanding they were reliable and were never trying to hurt me when they could not fulfill what they wanted. idk if they did this purposefully, but we've been together in 3 years come august, and so this is the formula i think works for gaining an "in" with hyper independent person:

find a thing they hate doing

offer to do the thing IN A SPECIFIC TIMEFRAME

do the thing in the timeframe specified

for me, it was the dishes. now, it's the chores we've decided are Their Chores (litter box, dishes) and the things i need them to do to do My Chores (hanger cleanout so i can do laundry, separate the laundry so i can do their work clothes). do we do everything we all want to do all the time? no, we are adults and are exhausted. but i don't get triggered by it (most of the time, i am still human).

idk, truthfully my girlfriend treated me like an abused rescue dog until i was like "okay. i can trust this person. this is good. life is fine." unfortunately it worked and also helped me in my personal life.

so idk. i don't have a short "go to," but if your mom is anything like me you gotta do positive reinforcement and you gotta do it a lot. similar to an abused dog tho you can't force anything because you will end up bitten in the face

every time my hyperindependence is triggered I feel like I'm the owner of a recently adopted previously abused dog attempting to get it from resource guarding, but also it's 3am and I want to sleep. that kind of "negotiating with a terrorist" energy. What do you want? Treats? Toys? Pets? Weed? For all men to leave the premises??? Tell me what you want and I'll give to you please god just stop growling

[nemesis-nexus]

AVE NINGIZHEDA, keeper of the Caduceus of Life and Death we call to you! On this date we celebrate Longest Night of the Year when the Sun is reborn and begins to make the transition back towards the Earth and the days begin to get longer! The Season of Death reigns supreme on the surface freezing everything in an ethereal suspended animation while the Season of Rebirth prepares itself in the darkest recesses of the underground! As the Guardian of Life and Death as well as the Lord of the Good Tree, your knowledge of the intricate Dance that is Creation and your relentless protection of Tree of Life grants assurance that Existence will go on Eternally so long as those who dwell within this space uphold their duties to Protect and Defend this planet in all its glory as we were created to do!

It is during this time that we gather our Family and Friends together and we appreciate the company of those we care for the most! Since the Ancient days the one thing that every Human on this planet has always shared is our need to survive utilizing that which nature gives us and to have the respect and conscientiousness to replace that which we take so that those who come after us will not be deprived and to never use more than we actually need as that is wasteful and destructive!

During the Season of Death that we call Winter the Earth puts itself to bed so that it may prepare itself for the Season of Rebirth that we call Spring! Nothing can be seen except maybe snow; the trees are barren, the animals are hibernating or have gone south for the winter to warmer climates! Nature keeps the ecosystem in balance by doing this so that the Earth has a chance to heal itself and regenerate the flora and fauna that is so needed for the survival of the Human and Animal Kingdoms. Because nothing is here we must take it upon ourselves to prepare for the coming months but we cannot do this if our resources are contaminated, corrupted or destroyed!

They say that we do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children and they are right! What we do today will affect what they are able to do tomorrow. What we squander today through petty selfishness and greed will determine what they have left to work with tomorrow. The responsibility of every member of the Human race is to try to leave the world, if not in the same condition in which it was presented to us at birth, slightly better! We must always keep in mind that is it NOT enough that we make sure people are able to endure while we are here, we must also do our part to make sure those who come after us are not shortchanged! When people say “it doesn’t matter what happens x amount of years from now because I’ll be dead…” it is an AFRONT to YOU Ningizheda because through Ururu and Enki/Ea we were provided with everything we needed to survive, through you these gifts are safeguarded so that they are able to replicate themselves with each passing season with enough to go around forever so long as Humans did their part with balanced cultivation! The problems arise because many Humans have this attitude that those who live RIGHT NOW are the only ones they should be concerned about! This attitude leaves future generations to fend for themselves rather than pick up where the previous generations left off and if these Humans just IMAGINED for a moment the situation THEY would have been in had Ururu, Enki/Ea and yourself decided that was YOUR attitude towards the Human race since the beginning! The Humans sure as hell would not have lasted as long as they did because, as future generations are being robbed of their right to exist, so too would all those who think nothing of this thievery!

This is an even BIGGER insult if the people with this attitude have children and grandchildren because they are insinuating that they don’t care how badly damaged they leave the world for their own human relations! Again we don’t even want to THINK about just how much of a disadvantage that would put US in had the Human race not been provided for so well since the beginning, so why are some people all too willing to do that to their own children and grandchildren? You didn’t do that to us and we certainly should not allow it to be done to our future generations, which is why all Earth Guardians need to rise up and resist the selfishness and greed that is threatening not only the future existence of the Human race, but ALL life forms INCLUDING the planet! It’s not too late, we CAN still put the wheels on this runaway train in reverse if we band together and fight back! HAIL SATAN!

One of the running stereotypes about Satanists and Satanism is that we're supposed to be these aggressive, evil people hell-bent on destruction and this is not true. If anything Satanists are the adversaries to the general population because the general population (especially nowadays) is exactly what you see on TV, a mindless cacophony of self-centered and shallow brain dead people who think that what's on the outside is the be-all end-all and that money is everything. They are the ones who are incapable of original thoughts or ideas and rely on whatever the TV or idiot box tells them because they are unable to think for themselves! This is how we ended up with quote-unquote 'reality TV' and celebrity worship. The true Satanist is an independent and proactive member of society, we take care of our own and we do what we can to help take care of our communities because we live here too! We are not the antisocial hate-mongering miscreants that Hollywood and the abrahamic faiths claim us to be, many of us are very social and willing to talk at length with just about anyone so as to help reach a new level of understanding and respect.

In fact it is my contention that we are more likely than anyone to look beyond what religion a person follows and treat them as the Humans beings that they are without conditions of needing to convert or worse, leaving them to suffer and possibly die if they don’t! We also don’t take it upon ourselves to set sail to another part of the world, land in a remote location then proceed to tell the locals who have existed there for thousands of years that they’ve been doing it wrong the whole time and that if they don’t convert that they are going to this special place of eternal torture and agony and if they still don’t convert then we will simply just have to kill them. We also don’t draw up Doctrines that entitle us to be able to go around the world and slaughter the people, steal the land and rape the women in the name of our church and god!

We also do not go around claiming to be anything other than Human - our Spirits are multifaceted but we are in form Human - we do not claim to casually work with or summon demons because we know how much ACTUALLY goes into both of those endeavors and they should NEVER be taken lightly nor should such claims EVER be used to validate ones walking this Path because eventually a charlatan will run into one of US and when they do and are unable to perform either of these actions, their already non-existent credibility will be shot! We also do not claim to be protected by “guardian demons” because they don’t exist! The truth about that is that no demon anywhere gives a damn about what happens to any human short of drawing up a contract for services and payments for services rendered! Again these contracts are VERY costly and the price you will be required to pay will have NOTHING to do with Human currency! Anyone who claims otherwise is completely full of it and should be forced to perform this activity IMMEDIATELY and in front of everyone in attendance, their refusal or failure to do so only further proves their claims to be fraudulent and deceitful!

We stand in opposition to these ‘storytellers’ because they are a big contributor to the current problems, the problems being the inability to deal with reality and taking responsibility for their actions! This self-righteous attitude DIRECTLY contributes to the consistent internal destruction of the Human race, the raping and pillaging of the Earth which in turn creates cause and effect disasters such as deforestation of hillsides and blasting craters into the Earth that results in erosion and landslides. How so? Because when you have a person who is coming from a bad situation looking for guidance only to come across someone preaching from on high that self-importance and self-indulgence is the way to go, you take an already volatile situation and make it THAT much worse! These people are the textbook definitions of false prophets and serve no purpose other than to make a name for themselves by telling others what they WANT to here and playing and preying on people’s fear and sense of vengeance rather than helping them deal with their past trauma and seeking strength and help from Father so they can get on with their lives!

Our Deity did not just Guard and Guide the Human race, nor was it EVER his, Ururu’s or Enki/Ea’s intention for this planet to ONLY cater to the Human race, they all worked together like Interdimensional Parents creating a Home and instilling values in all their Children to ensure that we could stand on our own without them needing to get directly involved with every little thing, this is why we were given Free Will, because they had the Faith in us to get the job done! The truth is that Humans are neither above nor below any aspect of Nature, we are part of the Hoop that makes up the Natural Order overall and as such we need to remember that we are NOT the only ones who live here so if we want others to respect OUR space, then we need to demonstrate that same respect ourselves!

Humans want to keep cutting back the woods to build businesses, apartment buildings, parking lots and whatever else, but then they want to get all upset when big cats, wolves, bears, coyotes and other such wildlife are seen on the streets or hunting in their backyards! Where do these people think wildlife is going to go when their homes and hunting grounds are stolen from them and their food has moved on to other areas or just dies off due to the lack of vegetation? They're not going to just disappear and no one reserves the right to kill anything just because it is living by its instincts and trying to adapt to its new habitat! It is not their fault if their new habitat happens to be your backyard because your backyard used to be their den! Our Father does NOT approve of MURDER regardless of who’s doing the killing or who is being killed and SLAUGHTERING an animal just because it, like us, is trying to survive in this world is UNJUSTIFYABLE! If we can’t walk over to our HUMAN neighbors house, claim it as an addition to our own then shoot them for refusing to leave, then why do Humans think we can treat our Animal brethren with such arrogant disregard?

One of the core values of Satanism is to stand against injustice no matter who the aggressor is or what form it takes even if what is happening does not affect us directly. It is absolutely necessary to do this because directly or indirectly we were put here for a single purpose and that purpose is to protect the Earth and all life forms on it, to keep the Balance so that life and existence may continue unhindered! Also the day will come when we may be in a position where we need help and if we are unwilling to give it to others, to stand with others when their lives and ways of life are threatened, then we have absolutely no business expecting them to stand by us! Being an Adversary does not mean going out and looking for a fight just like being a Warrior does not mean going around challenging people to prove how strong you are; being an Adversary means rising to the occasion and not backing down no matter what; being a Warrior is not about attacking what is in front of you, it is about defending what is behind you!

This Winter Solstice while you are celebrating, however you celebrate it, whether it's with Family and Friends or by yourself please keep in mind that there are several people who are not able to celebrate with either their Family or Friends because they are deployed all over the world standing strong with weapon in hand ready to fight on foreign soil so that the battle does not come to domestic soil! These brave men and women decided that they were more concerned about what happened to the rest of us than what happens to themselves so they enlisted, trained and are now putting themselves in harm’s way so that we don’t have to! Please leave an empty chair, plate and cup and raise a toast to our Fighting Forces to remind everyone that we are able to enjoy this time with relative ease (it is also very stressful for Military Families to enjoy the Holidays especially if they have not been in contact with their deployed loved ones) because someone else has taken it upon themselves to stand at post miles from Home!

Also keep in mind all those who came back stateside and are enduring the most difficult time of the year for themselves due to homelessness, loss of Family and/or Friends either at home or in combat and the mental illnesses including but NOT limited to PTSD that renders them unable to return to Civilian Life. The fact is that MANY of our Veterans come back home and are STILL fighting the war in their own heads, certain noises and visuals can cause psychotic breakdowns that may result in aggression or depression and in the worst case scenarios, suicide. When it comes to our Soldiers, regardless of age or experience, war is hell and regardless of whether we agree with the politics behind it, that they are STILL HUMAN and the things that they are subjected to in a combat zone or ambush or sniper attack has a detrimental effect on their psyches! They need attention, medical care and a place to live, this is the VERY LEAST our government can do for them after all THEY were willing to sacrifice for our government! ALL GAVE SOME, SOME GAVE ALL! RESPECT!

Glorious Ururu we ask also that you watch over the children of the world especially those whose parents are all too ready and willing to sacrifice their own blood via suicide missions, abuse of any and all kinds, selling them for drugs or prostitution etc because they are that messed up in the head! I don’t care what you believe in, if you can justify murdering or exploiting a child you have forfeited your right to exist in any capacity! May all those who would ever use, abuse, or kill a child meet with an even deeper level of apathy and cruelty! May they know all the suffering and more of the child/ren they are harming! May they be met with the same disregard to their lives as they have towards the life/lives of the child/ren they are too willing to end! May the children be freed from whatever viciousness they were forced to endure and may they grow up and put an end to child abuse of ALL kinds for good so that future generations never have to endure what they did!

Blessed Ningizheda, this Yuletide please help people remember in the midst of all the revelry that it’s not just about us but about what we can do for other people, especially those who do not have a home or anything to eat! Another Core value of Satanism is to assist those who genuinely need it; we will not enable those who refuse to help themselves but we will aid those who have simply fallen on hard times to get back on their feet! It’s not how we fall, it’s how we land and sometimes we need a hand getting back up on that horse! When we do we can better assist others who may be in the situation we once were and help them to also get on with it, so forth and on!

Most of all we wish to express our deepest gratitude for all that has been done from the Inception of the Multiverse to the Creation of this Layer and all the effort that went into the extensive catalog of life in all its forms! We appreciate not only being a part of it but we also appreciate all that has been given to us so that we may continue, we may have strayed from our deeper spiritual connection however we are working on it, we are striving to reconnect and the evidence is all around even amidst all the violence and corruption!

AVÉ URURU! AVÉ NINGIZHEDA!

Winter Solstice Prayer

May your cup runneth over

May your plate never be bare!

May you never stray too far

From those you know care!

May you know just enough pain

To truly appreciate pleasure!

May you have genuine success

Finding that which you'll treasure!

May you face every opponent

And never be caught off guard!

For every blow that you receive

May you strike back twice as hard!

May the Darkness of the Longest Night

Be a time for pause and reflection!

May you be granted the most profound insight

To help you move in the right direction!

May the bone-chilling Wind remain outside your door

And the warmth of Heartfire keep loved ones secure!

More than anything I wish for my Family and Friends to have a safe and Happy Winter Solstice and a Blessed Yuletide!

To those of other denominations I wish you Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year!

ZI ANA KANPA! ZI KIA KANPA!

MAY THE DEAD RISE AND SMELL THE INCENSE!

Etiamsi MULTA Et Nos UNUM Sumus Nos Sto Validus Ut Nos Sto Una!

Semper Veritas, Semper Fideles, In NINGIZHEDA Nomen Nos Fides! AVE NINGIZHEDA!

(We Are ONE Even Though We Are MANY And We Stand STRONGEST When We Stand TOGETHER!

Always TRUTHFUL, Always FAITHFUL, In NINGIZHEDA'S Name We Trust! HAIL NINGIZHEDA!)

AVÉ URURU! AVÉ ENKI/EA!

AVÉ NINGIZHEDA! AVÉ NINHURSAG!

AVÉ ININNI! AVÉ DIMUZI!

AVÉ IGGIGI! AVÉ ANUNNA!

AVÉ DRACONIS! HAIL THE GREAT SERPENT!

HPS Meg “Nemesis Nexus” Prentiss