#we're almost to 9 months in and i think ive had maybe like. 3 months worth | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chicken2potato · 6 months ago

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I saw Devon last night. And man. What a fever dream it feels like. I was drunk as fuck. I knew it was him as soon as he said my name. And as soon as he did, I knew my night was ruined.

Why? Like just why? Why talk to me? Why apologize? Why say its something big going on? Like bro I know about your baby mama, your kid, you sold drugs, you're on probation. Yada yada yada. Like I still loved you. I know on paper i shouldnt have but damn. You said all the right fucking things?? You made me feel seen. You made me feel accepted. And loved. And cared about. You told me you loved me. And like we talked about some serious shit. Devon, we went through serious shit!! Like what the fuck is it thats so fucking terrible that you can't tell me? And then for you to ask me if i was driving home that night? And that I shouldnt? Why would you even fucking care if I did? What if I crashed right into a fucking barrier? What if I died? You wouldnt fucking give a shit. Because you'll just be glad maybe that you wont ever have to see my at the Quarry anymore. I mean you left. You disappeared. It was one day I was waking up to kisses and we kissed every time we left each other. And we made dinner together. Do you remember that night, Devon? The Pesto. I've never done that with someone. It was those intimate moments where I felt whole. I felt like I was in a movie. Sure there were problems. But we're making pesto and jamming to music at 2 in the morning and for that moment everything was okay and right and good. And then you left. And then one day it was "left on delivered". Then "left on read". Then unfriended. It was the day before my fucking birthday when you unadded me from Snap. My fucking birthday. You remember before Valentines day you asked if we should get something for each other or not? I said we didnt have to because i knew we were both broke as fuck and plus then you could just get me something for my birthday. I mean its only a month later, whats the big deal. We really only just met each other anyway. No harm no foul. But something deep inside me immediately knew i was never going to get a birthday present. I was right. Go me.

But why talk to me? What was there to gain from it? I finally felt like I was getting better. You know I saw you. When i was on the patio. The first shot. I saw you out of my peripheral and I thought "No. Fucking. Way." Of course. I did EVERYTHING i could to pretend you weren't there. Mostly just making it seem like it was because I was drunk. I saw you when I was dancing with my friend. You were right there. But you know why i felt like I was finally getting better? Because I didn't feel like my night was ruined yet. You didn't talk to me, there was no acknowledgement. I was fine as long as we stayed in our bubbles. I had a wonderful fucking time.

And then you talked to me.

And then I couldn't stop thinking about you.

Then i got home at 3. Paced for an hour and a half. And finally fell asleep at 5 30. I had to wake up at 9 for work. I have a fucking life. Why do you keep fucking it up? Are you doing it on purpose? Are you trying to "stop me from getting hurt so i wont tell her stuff to protect her" macho bullshit?? Devon. I'm a grown ass fucking woman. I can make my own fucking decisions. If its too much, let ME decide that. You're hurting me by not letting me in. You're destroying me. You have destroyed me.

Do you know how fucking hard the post partum depression hit? I almost actually killed myself once. Ive never ever fucking gotten that far before. But i had fucking no one. No. One. Not you. Not the baby. It was just me. Like no one even fucking knows Devon. Do you know what its like to carry that fucking heaviness around for 24 hrs a day and not being able to tell a single soul??? I couldn't take it anymore. I almost killed myself. I just needed it to all fucking end.

And now you're back apologizing like you didn't just destroy everything I've ever hoped and dreamed of. And it would have been so much better with you there. And i know it. Because if you were there i would've had a hand to hold. A shoulder to cry on. A future to see and to grasp onto during my depression. I would have you. Thats all I wanted was you. It was hard yeah. And I know we were kind of getting on each others nerves. Is that why you left? Because we had a bad week or two? Devon, every relationship is going to have times where things don't go good. That doesn't mean you just leave? You work through it. Devon I was going through so many hormonal changes. I just needed you to be my one steady constant. And then you ripped the rug right out from beneath me. Like I meant fucking nothing to you.

I dont know if seeing you helped me get better or made it worse. I do still genuinely care about you and love you. Im proud of you for getting off probation on Tuesday. And I'm so happy you're finally in the field work you want to be in. It really does bring my heart happiness to hear that. But that also doesnt change the fact that I'm still pissed off. Clearly if you couldn't tell. And i know I have every right to be. I'm trying so hard not to be mean. I know theres a few snippets in there that are mean and for that I'm sorry. But considering whats happened, I think I've earned a few jabs here and there. It wont last forever. Eventually the anger will go away and I will be better. I hope you get better. Whatever it is that you're dealing with, I hope it gets better. Truly.

And that's most everything I would probably say to him. Idk if any of it makes sense or if im just crazy after everything. Also I'm high. I also need to go to bed because I have work early in the morning. 4 to be exact. Isn't that so gross? Hate my life honestly. I ran on like 3 hrs of sleep today, got hailed on, soaked, walked around in soaked jeans, and just had rude asf members today. And then also everything with Curti? Omg. My brain has been so full. I need to go to bed. 🤦

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