#we're all a bunch of queers (except the dm who is our token straight white man friend) so how could we not put found family in everything?

[dungeonsandblorbos]

Campaign Intros: Acquisitions, Incorporated

Acq, Inc. is a 5e campaign that my husband and i play with more or less the same group as the Amazonomachy (unfortunately one of our players had to drop out after the pandemic struck). we're currently 68 sessions in, and should be wrapping it up in another one or two sessions!

i finally learned how to take good, exceptionally thorough and useful notes, and because we're still playing it, i actually have decent memory of it too! so look forward to detailed story times and lots of memes

~anyway~

the setting

the first part of this story is played out of the Acquisitions, Inc. adventure book, which is based on an actual play podcast of the same name made by Penny Arcade. none of us players have listened to it, so if you're confused, you're not alone! and you really won't miss much by not being familiar with the origin story, as our DM did a good job adapting it for an unfamiliar player group

the two main things you need to know are: 1. a while back there was this big wild magic explosion that caused some chaos and transformed some goblins into a new race, called the Verdan, who are a lot like goblins but taller and smarter and slightly magical 2. there's an adventuring organization called Acquisitions, Inc., which is based in Waterdeep but has smaller franchises scattered around the continent and staffed by smaller, less important adventuring parties. our PCs make up one such party, based in Phandalin. we pay monthly dues and licensing fees in exchange for the HQ paying our employees for us, granting us access to cool gadgets and a treasure trove of information, and lending us the brand name recognition. in addition to our class, we also have a job title that gives us special additional proficiencies, equipment, and abilities. also, we opened up a tea shop (called the Cauldron & Kettle Cafe) at our base to earn a little extra money and help keep up our reputation with the locals. Tim hosts a book club there, and is responsible for the tea blends and recipes it uses. he also designed the menu

the party Cauldron & Kettle Questing Company

Jun Vyardes: my PC! you know her, you met her here. a half-elf light cleric/bard and the party's secretarian, a position which specializes in PR and marketing. serves Vestia, a human goddess of domestic fires and revelry. committed to justice, her goddess, and her friends. so really it's kind of funny that she ended up working for such an absurdly capitalist company. dies her red hair darker so it doesn't look quite so much like her father's

Tim Cobbletoss (born Thokk): my husband's PC! a half-orc barbarian and the party's cartographer, a position that specializes in mapmaking and navigation. he was mostly raised by halflings, which means he has the personality of an old english grandma, just with some minor anger issues and major daddy issues. Jun's half-brother; they share a human father who is an absolutely terrible parent. like Jun, a redhead. family-oriented and very much a romantic. also, very tired. he's a very talented carpenter and woodworker, and wields a hammer named Bonk

Taku: a whooping crane aaracokra and path of the four elements monk. (yes that is a stupidly powerful combination but tbh his super squishiness balances it out. he's been knocked unconscious so many times and even literally died once—it's amazing he isn't constantly concussed!) started as our party's loremonger, but switched partway through to our documancer, a position specializing in contracts and legal mumbo jumbo. a responsible and independent bird who left his family because they wouldn't accept him for who he was (a boy). he's smart and earnest and precious and if anything irrevocable happened to him, Jun would go on a wild revenge spree and then immediately self-destruct

Briny: a Verdan Bloodhunter, and the party's hoardsperson, a position specializing in keeping track of and carrying all of the party's loot. a very sweet and naive little gremlin who's a bit of a personality sponge. loves learning new things, their friends, the sea, and gambling, although they don't actually really know how to gamble. has a stash of seashells that they like giving out as presents. also very precious and must be protected at all costs

Gallus: a half-elf rogue and the party's occultant, a position specializing in being edgy and keeping tally of the party's karmic rating. moody and reserved and wary, and naturally another precious boy we must protect. unfortunately, was reassigned to a different branch partway through the campaign (as his player was no longer able to participate)

important NPCs

Girasol Vyardes: aka Daddy Bard—Jun and Tim's father. a redhead. born to a noble family in Amn, his full name is Girasol Agusto Raúl Maximo Narciso Vyardes Corazón de la Verga, but he hasn't gone by that for quite some time. a wandering, philandering, incredibly vain and hedonistic man, he's unfortunately a talented musician, poet, and fencer, blessed (or perhaps cursed) with a silver tongue. despite his flaws and shitty parenting, he genuinely does love Jun in his own way, and wishes he could have been a better father to Tim—when he even remembers that Tim exists, that is

Lidda Cobbletoss: Tim's adoptive mother. a sweet, blind halfling woman who raised Tim with all the love and devotion and good humor he deserved from a parent. has an elderly tuxedo cat named Hank

Tela and Teleku: Taku's baby twin siblings! they heard about how cool and rebellious their older brother was and also didn't really get along with their conservative parents, so they ran away to try to find Taku—and succeeded! Tela is a girl and hatched first. she's more assertive and energetic, and has been learning how to fight to protect Teleku. she also learned fire stance from Taku's monk friends! Teleku is a boy and hatched second. he's shy and chill and smart, and learned water stance. Jun immediately adopts them as her own baby siblings and, like a good big sister, shows off her own fire magic to them, helps Briny teach them about gambling, and regales them with wildly exaggerated (and sanitized) tales from the party's adventures, which Tela believes whole-heartedly

Gildna Dunn: a timid half-orc woman who serves as the Cauldron & Kettle's major domo (administrative assistant). she also served as its previous inhabitants' major domo

Gorkow: a little goblin friend we picked up along the way of our earliest adventure and hired on as help for the tea shop. he has a giant sword covered in bones that he refers to as his "butter knife"

Minghee "Min" Graywind: an adventurous young human woman we hired to run messages, errands, and trades for us. her mom runs the general store in Phandalin, and does not like that we hired her

Noriel: a sad sap of a mandolin-playing minstrel (aka bard). we took pity on him and ended up hiring him on to help Jun advertise the Cauldron & Kettle's services. eventually, together with Gorkow, Min, and Susan and her dogs, forms our party's B Team

Susan: an unusually intelligent ogre woman who has two big fluffy dire wolves. we hired her on for security gigs, especially helping Min stay safe on the road, and let her and her dogs live in our basement

Ol' Fivesides and company: a crew of modrons gnomes we hired on as engineers and maintenance crew. they made us some automaton training dummies/security bots and a steam-powered tea trolley shaped like a teapot. they're mostly metallic orbs with spindly arms and wings, lead by a cube named Ol' Fivesides who wears a large tricorn hat and an eyepatch; despite their appearance, they insist that they're all just very mechanically minded gnomes. they're a little creepy but they've got the right spirit

Ken: a half-orc, half-ogre, and very sweet spirit, bless his heart. huge—over seven feet tall and about four feet wide at the shoulders. Briny is enamored with how tall he is, and Ken is enamored with how small Briny is, and so they immediately became friends. a talented cook, though his presentation could use some work. the winner of a cooking competition we hosted to find a new chef for the Cauldron & Kettle Cafe

Dorkas Nimblewood: Tim's favorite author. we never actually meet her, but she's nonetheless a very important part of this campaign's lore. she's the genius behind such classic erotic love stories as My Kingdom of Thirst, Beards and Beer: Dripping Ale and Dwarven Daddies, and her newest project, Dancing with Dragons: Domination in the Lair

the plot . . . hook

mistaken for an experienced adventuring group, the five of us were called into investigate a collapsed tunnel in Waterdeep while working as interns for Acq, Inc. in doing so, we found a mysterious but powerful magical object, which seemed to be merely a piece of a larger, even more powerful object. afterwards, we were sent to Phandalin to take over an abandoned Acq, Inc. franchise location and investigate the disappearance of its old party

in time, we began unravelling a dangerous conspiracy—an evil organization called the Six was trying to find all the pieces of a magical orrery and use it to open a rift in the universe to welcome their gods (read: horrible eldritch monsters of the outer realms) to the material plane, and probably bring about the end of everything in the process. and it just so happens that the mysterious but powerful object we found in the collapsed tunnel in Waterdeep was a piece of said orrery

thus began a race against the Six to steal all the pieces of the orrery first and save the universe. no pressure for a few newbie adventurers, right?