#we'll see what happens but I'm leaving it last for the sake of my sanity lmao

[goldieclaws]

Wailing crying etc. bc I wrote out some code for my sprites so that they were positioned properly/in a nice way in my Spooktober jam submission and I forgot to transfer it over to my other devices ARGHH

[perpetualexistence]

A Bit of Organizational Stuff

So the last time I made a post like this there were about 20 of you. And that was a week ago. And now there's like 50 of you. And my first Team CIRRRRH vs José post blew up far bigger than I ever thought it'd go. Aaaaa is the best way to describe what's going on in my brain right now as I try to wrap my head around this.

Speaking of wrapping my head around things, I've now got two longer form AUs I'm posting about! Which is more than I'd been planning to have occupying my brain at the same time! I don't plan on neglecting either, so here's what I've decided for the sake of my own sanity:

For the Sea Monster AU: I'm going to commit to posting it once a week! It's currently the only one AU I have with a linear plot already in mind, so writing and editing takes the most time. And given how I have a tendency to do my writing in bursts (thanks ADHD), it's probably better for me in the long run if I leave the writing for it on the weekends. So I'm introducing Sea Monster Saturdays! It'll be a set posting schedule that I'm going to try out and see how it goes! I'll let you guys know if it stops working out and if plans will change again. I will say that I have Part 4 roughly outlined so it should be out tomorrow with all going well.

For the Alley Cats AU: I'm probably going to end up making a separate post with details on what each Alley Cat did to get outcasted. Alejandro's is definitely going to be first, and after that it's just going to depend. I also might try figuring out some way to visualize what the alley itself looks like, mainly because I just think that'd be neat. I don't have any other concrete Wacky Shenanigans that happen aside from vs. José that I've already done, so we'll see what happens there. I plan to focus most of my non-weekend energy on this AU until I've got everything out.

I'm also still going to have stray AUs floating about here and there! My mind tends to wander, so I might as well let it do its thing from time to time. These AUs are going to be more one-shot in nature though since I'm fairly certain a third long form AU would destroy me. But I always reserve the right to come back to them and make them long form should the mood strike!

The next AU I'm going to be posting about rather soon is actually one of these that I came up with literally the same morning I came up with the Alley Cats AU. I got like 75% of it written and was ready to go home to finish and post it but nope, I was struck with Team CIRRRRH brain rot. So I might as well get this one out before going all in on Alley Cats and Sea Monster.

And again, thanks for all the support so far!!!

[pudding-parade]

Continuing on with this monster. In this part we actually get to, you know, the weather.

You are here: Part Two - Wait, I Thought This Mod Was About Weather?? (AKA, The Scary Math Part)

There are also these parts: Part One - The Easy Stuff, WTF Happened to My Plants, & Holidays Part Three - I've Seen Fire Snow and I've Seen Rain. Part Four - Creating Non-Default Weather Settings (AKA, Losing the Last Bit of Your Sanity)

Read on at your own risk. There is a little math involved, sort of, but if you comprehend basic division, you'll be OK.

OK, buckle up because now we get to the meat of the thing, the actual weather. I assume you’ve read Part One, so let’s just jump right in.

After you click on the city hall or any computer in your world to bring up Tempest's main menu, you click on "Weather" to bring up its sub-menu, which looks like this:

This is straight-forward. You’ll go through and adjust each season individually by clicking on the season you want to mess with. For the sake of this demonstration, I'm just going to look at fall, since it’s first on the list. All of the seasons work the same and have the same menus. So, the season-specific sub-menu looks like this:

You have two options. You can simply edit the default setting or you can add a new entry. (The presets I've shared alter only the default setting.) We'll cover editing the default first, while adding a new entry is covered in Part Four. As you can see above, by default, the default setting is set to be in effect for the entire season, which by default is seven days long. That's why it says 1:7 on this line. If you had set your seasons to be, say, 12 days long, it would say 1:12 instead. In other words, the default entry will always pick up however long you have the season in question set to be in the Game Options menu. For a default setting that lasts the whole season, you don't want to change this. Just click on that line to bring up the next menu, which looks like this:

The first eight lines on this menu have no sub-menus, so we'll go through them in order.

Current Day: If you're editing the current season, this will say what day of the season it currently is. Since I took these pics in a brand-new save, the current season is summer. Since I'm editing fall, it says "Off Season" because the season I'm editing isn't currently active.

Enabled: If you set this to false, it will disable the season entirely unless you add your own new settings for the season. That's really not the way to disable a season, though. You should do it in the game's Options settings. You should only disable this setting if you're adding your own settings to the seasons and you don't want to use the default one.

Range: This is the range of days in the season that this setting will be in effect. If you play the standard-length seasons or shorter, you should leave this alone. If you play longer seasons and you'll want to make further monthly and/or weekly non-default settings...Well, you'll probably still want to leave this alone but just disable the setting altogether and then make all-new non-default entries for the more-specific weather you want. We'll get to that, but we're not there yet.

Rename Profile: Since this is the default, you don't need to do anything with this. No clicky needed.

Temperature settings: There are four of them, as you can see, and they specify possible temperature ranges at different times of the day. The format is (Minimum temp):(Maximum temp). The game chooses the "target" temperature for each time and then fills in the temperatures for each hour between them as needed. So, these settings are pretty self-explanatory. IIRC, "night" is midnight, "morning" is 0600, "noon" is noon (DUH!), and "evening" is 1800. (Yes, I prefer the 24-hour-clock because I come from a military family. AM and PM bug the shit out of me.) The possible ranges can be whatever you want them to be. You can base them on real temperature data in a real place, or it can be complete fantasy. As far as I know, there is no upper or lower temperature limit, so if you're making a setting for an alien planet, you can have -200-degree nights or +250-degree days. The important thing is that, whatever your temperature ranges, you want overlap between them like you see in the default settings above or else you'll see weird jumps in the temperature throughout the day.

With default settings, there's not much you can do to affect what temperatures the game is likely to choose on any given day of the season, but it is coded to have a somewhat reasonable transition period of 2 days. This means that it will pick, for instance, lower temperatures within the allowed ranges on the last two days of a season when transitioning from a warmer season to a cooler one. This is fine if you stick to around the standard season lengths. I find it's fine with 12-day seasons, but if you get much longer than that, you will want this mod, which allows both longer seasons than 28 days and, more importantly, longer transition periods. On top of that, non-default Tempest settings can give you much more specific control of what temperature ranges are possible during specific stretches of days within a longer season but, again, we're not there yet.

So now, finally, we're at the weather patterns, which do require a bit of mathematical thinking on your part. As you can see, any season can have a maximum of five weather patterns for the game to choose from:

Some are more customizable than others. We'll go through fog, hail, and sunny in this part because they're easy, but first I need to explain how weighting works because it's the main influence over what weather pattern the game will choose at any given time and, when we get to the individual pattern settings, what intensity of precipitation the game will choose as well as how many transitions there can be between intensities in any one storm.

The weather pattern weighting is the numbers you see on the lines in the pic above that say, for instance, Weather:Fog. The important thing to remember is that the numbers themselves aren't that important. What is important is the ratios between the numbers because that's what determines how much more likely the game is to choose one weather pattern over another.

First, any patterns that have a weight of 0 are disabled for the particular season you're working on. (So, in this case, it will not snow at all by default in fall.) The non-zero numbers are weights. So, in the case of the default here, hail and rain have an equal weight of 1, meaning they are equally likely to happen if the temperature does not disallow one or the other or both. (We'll get to that.) Fog and Sunny, on the other hand, have equal weights of 4, which means that they are equally likely to happen if the temperature does not disallow one or the other. However, because of the 4:1 ratio, fog and sun are 4x more likely to happen than either hail or rain, assuming that the temperature is one where all four enabled patterns are possible.

Now, imagine that the weighting was like this instead:

Fog: 1 Hail: 1 Rain: 3 Snow: 2 Sunny: 4

Assume that the temperature is such that the game can choose between all five patterns, which would be unlikely in the real world, but for the sake of demonstration it's fine. This weighting would make fog and hail, with a weight of 1 each, equally likely. Snow, with a weight of 2, would be 2x more likely than both fog and hail because of the 2:1 ratio between their weights. Rain, with a weight of 3, would be 3x more likely than fog or hail (3:1 ratio) but only 1.5x more likely than snow because that's a 3:2 ratio and 3 divided by 2 is 1.5. Finally, sun would be 4x more likely than fog or hail (4:1 ratio), 2x more likely than snow (4:2 ratio, which is the same as 2:1), but only 1.33x more likely than rain because that ratio is 4:3 and 4 divided by 3 is 1.3333333333...

Now, say you wanted a situation where you want a tiny-but-still-possible chance of snow in winter. In that case, you need to make sure your temperature range in winter allows for snow, but you also must make it so that the other possible weather patterns greatly outweigh snow but do not greatly outweigh each other. So you might do something like this:

Snow: 1 Rain: 15 Sunny: 45

With this, again assume that the temperature is such that the game could choose any of the three patterns. The ratio of rain to snow is 15:1, making the game 15x more likely to choose rain than snow. The ratio of sun to snow is 45:1, so the game is 45x more likely to choose sun than snow. However, the ratio of sun to rain is 45:15, which reduced is 3:1, making sun only 3x more likely than rain, even though the weight numbers are much bigger than 3 and 1. Note that the above setting isn't likely to give you snow ever unless you play really, really long seasons and/or you play a save for a really long time. They're exaggerated for demonstration purposes. The point is that you use 1 for the weight of the pattern you want to greatly outweigh, then choose much bigger numbers for the other patterns, without the ratios between those bigger numbers being huge.

To sum up: When creating weather patterns, the two most influential things in terms of making the game more likely to choose one weather pattern over another are the weighting and the allowed temperature ranges that you set for each type of weather. Those are the things you need to pay the most attention to. The rest is details. Hopefully, you understand weighting now. (Feel free to ask questions if not!) Now we'll move on to the specifics of the individual weather patterns and what you can do with them, including setting allowed temperature ranges. Fog, hail, and sun are simple, so I’ll do those in this part. Rain and Snow are more complicated, so those will comprise the next part.

Fog: The sub-menu looks like this:

You can only change the possible duration (in hours, and the format is min:max) the required temperature, and the weighting for the pattern. Unfortunately, there are no intensities, so you can't have thin fogs or thick fogs, just game-standard fog, which is pretty thick.

Duration is self-explanatory, and we've gone over weighting in general, so all that’s left is required temperature. Required temperature is in degrees and the format is min:max. With this default in play, fog is only going to happen if the temperature is 50F/~10C or less. If the current temperature is outside of that range when the game is choosing a weather pattern, it cannot choose fog and will choose one of the other allowed patterns instead.

You may or may not want to give fog a required temperature range. I tend to use it to simulate misty or often-overcast atmospheres (Like a rain forest, for instance), and when that’s what I’m doing I just give it a -1000:1000 temperature range. But sometimes I only want it in a cooler part of a season, so I’ll cap it at the temperature threshold I want, just like the default range here.

Hail: The sub-menu looks like this:

It has the same three settings as fog. The thing is, in reality, hail happens during strong thunderstorms and mostly in specific parts of the world, most notably east of the Rocky Mountains in the US and Canada in the spring and summer. So, this one is hard to be realistic with. I'm pretty sure the devs sort of confused it with sleet, which is just frozen rain that happens in winter. But I don't know. Whatever. Generally, I only enable hail when I'm making a climate based on a place where it happens in the real world and, in those cases I give it an unlimited temperature range (-1000:1000) and weight it to be less common than rain. Also, I make it very short in duration, 0:1, since it usually happens in very strong but also fast-moving thunderstorms, so it doesn't hang around for long. That's the best that can be done in terms of realism for hail, I think.

Sun: The sub-menu looks like this, which ought to be familiar by now:

The way I see the sunny setting is that it has the power to break things up. Bear in mind that, because of required temperatures, the game can sometimes have only a few patterns to choose from when it needs to choose a new one. This makes it more likely that it will choose the same one multiple times in a row, so you can end up with some very long rain or snow storms, especially if you've set those to have long possible durations. Now, in the real world it doesn't generally rain or snow constantly for days on end like it can in the game under default settings. There are usually stretches of at least no rain, if not actual sun. So, the idea here is to try to weight sun and set its duration such that it will tend to outweigh its usual competitor (which is most often rain) but not by too much, unless you're going for a really sunny season. It's a delicate balance and requires testing. This is why it sometimes takes me a while to share a preset, because I'm busy trying to get this particular balance right in all four seasons. Generally speaking, I find that a 4:8 hour sun duration range is good for an averagely-sunny climate, but weighting of course is also a big factor. Tempest is a delicate dance, kids. :)

And that’s it for this part! The next part goes over the far more complicated rain and snow settings. Click here to go to Part Three.

[wanderinginksplot]

Warriors in Red Armor

Next | Masterlist

Chapter One

Hound I

"So, are we going to 79's tonight?" Hound asked. He had meant to be subtle about it, but the question burst out of him the moment his well-worn boots crossed the threshold of the small break space allotted to members of the Coruscant Guard.

As break spaces went, the one designated for the Coruscant Guard's clone troopers was an embarrassment. Some determined being had managed to cram a table and a handful of chairs inside, but it was a tight fit. If more than a few fully armored troopers went inside at the same time, none of them would get back out without removing some armor to clear the traffic jam. The lights flickered, the faucet leaked, the floor was always sticky, and the stuffy air held a hint of the chemicals that had been stored there years ago. Since then, the previous break space had been renovated into an office for one of the few nat-born commanding officers and this one had been created for the clone troopers.

Still, the smell of caf was stronger than the smell of chemicals most days and the light from a nearby advertisement screen lit the room so brightly that the flickering lights didn't give any of the troopers a migraine anymore. Hound always was a man who liked to see the glass as half-full. Maybe even a little more than half, if that glass was sitting under the dripping faucet.

Thire snorted at Hound's question, leaning back in his chair until gravity threatened to topple him. "Well, boys? Hound wants to know if we're going to 79's this lovely Friday evening. What do we think?"

Thorn glanced around the room, looking unamused by his brother's antics. "We think I'm the only other one here, di'kut."

"Exactly!" Thire said in triumph, obviously determined to ignore his fellow commander. "It's the weekend! Why wouldn't we go to 79's?"

"Because you've finally realized that it's a glorified zoo?" Thorn snapped, tone venomous. "79's is where civvies go to stare at clone troopers so they can feel like they're being daring. In reality, they're being irritating."

Having spoken his piece, Thorn tossed back the last of his cup of caf, always consumed as dark as his mood. Hound shuddered at the thought. Corrie Guard caf was brewed at the approximate concentration of speeder fuel and could eat through duracrete. Only a trooper who hated himself would drink it black.

Thorn always drank it black.

"So you don't want to go?" Hound asked again, sounding heartbroken.

"No, I'll go," Thorn told him. "Zoo or not, 79's still has the cheapest booze on Coruscant that doesn't use poison as a mixer."

"Well, that's the most excited I've heard Thorn get about anything for a week, at least," Thire smirked. "Commander Fox, you want in on this?"

The Head Commander of the Coruscant Guard, having just stepped into the break room to fill his mug with caf, shook his head. "No, I'm on duty tonight. The Clone Rights group has been cleared to march and the Chancellor wants an extra Guard presence. Stone will be stuck here as well, monitoring any new arrivals."

"Ugh," Hound said, summarizing everyone else's point of view. "Well, we'll be thinking of you both, Commander."

Fox lowered the datapad in his hand to shoot a look in Hound's direction. "Sergeant, don't you have that ARF PR stunt tomorrow at 0800?"

Hound shrugged. "Yeah, but I can do both."

"Make sure you don't miss it," Fox ordered sternly. "The last thing I need is to have to report to the Chancellor that you missed a chance to give the GAR a boost in civil opinion."

Hound saluted and Fox turned his attention to the other break room occupants. "Thorn, if you let your stubble get any longer, it'll be considered a beard and subject to facial hair regulations. Thire, sit on the chair like a normal being, would you?"

Thorn nodded and Thire grinned as he let the chair's legs slam onto the floor. Fox rolled his eyes at their antics, refilled his cup of caf, and left the break area. Hound idly wondered how many of the gray hairs appearing at the Head Commander's temples were due to the commanding officer team. Still, the Chancellor had let Fox choose his own team of COs, so there was no one to blame but himself.

"Meet at 2100?" Thire asked. "That's prime time for 79's and there'll be plenty of talent. I'll go ahead and apologize, vode. When you look this good, you automatically get your pick of the females."

Thire brushed a hand back across his hair - meticulously trimmed to maintain the subtle horizontal lines shaved into the otherwise regulation cut - and grinned at the other two. Hound and Thire rolled their eyes, but agreed anyway.

---

Kai I

"Hey, do you guys want to go to 79's tonight?" Kai asked, perched on the desk she was supposed to be sitting behind. She was always restless and neither of the other women blamed her for the odd choice of seat - even though it made inter-desk communication a bit of a pain.

Arkularia - who, for the sake of Kai's sanity, allowed the others to call her 'Ark' - was the first to respond. "79's? The clone bar?"

"Do you want to drink, dance, or find a one-night stand?" Ransom asked from behind her expansive tech setup. "Because there are better places for any of those. Closer, too."

"No, I want to go to 79's," Kai said, kicking up her chin. "And as for what I want… I want all of them. All three options, please and thank you."

"Did you just try to order a night out? Like from a menu?" Ransom asked. From the tone of her voice, Kai had managed to earn a rare smile from her boss. Of course, that was only a guess since Ransom didn't emerge from her den so Kai could verify the expression.

"No… but can you imagine how much easier that would be?" Kai asked in her own defense.

"It would take some of the fun out of it, I think," Ark said slowly.

Kai chucked a wad of flimsi at her friend and co-worker's head, cheering to herself as it connected and bounced off of Ark's white-blonde hair. "I know that, Ark! C'mon guys, do you want to come to 79's with me or not?"

"I'm out," Ransom said immediately, shutting down the projector option on her desk. She was still illuminated by the ambient light from the schematics on her datapad. The cybernetic implants in Ransom's arm gleamed in the blue glow as she dragged a hand over her shaved head. "I have to work late if we have any hope of finishing our next job on time."

"Ark?" Kai asked, not too proud to sound like she was begging.

Ark sighed, pale eyes hopeless in the face of Kai's wheedling. "Fine, I'll go along."

"Yes!"

"Ransom, are you sure you can't come, too?" Ark asked, her voice a bit desperate.

"I really do have to stay and work on this," Ransom apologized, gesturing at her assortment of datapads. "My condolences."

"We're going to a club, not facing a firing squad!" Kai admonished. "Besides, I just want to find someone fun."

"Like that last guy?" Ark asked, squinting a bit as she applied her prodigious memory to her own question. "What was his name?"

"Not sure," Kai admitted. "But he was so much fun! Great tattoos."

"So you are looking for a hookup! I knew it," Ransom crowed.

Ark frowned. "Why a clone trooper? They're never on-planet for long before they have to leave."

"Exactly," Kai said with a wink. "Love 'em and leave 'em."

"Didn't the last one stick around for a while? I thought I remembered seeing him more than a few times…" Ark pondered.

"Hardcase! His name was Hardcase," Ransom remembered. "He came by every day of his leave."

"Strange name," Ark commented.

"Strange guy," Ransom said with a shrug.

"But he was hot," Kai countered, folding a piece of flimsi to look like a tooka. At least it did in her imagination. "And so much fun. I need another someone like him."

"What happened to him?" Ark asked curiously.

Kai would have blushed if she had any shame - too bad for Coruscant that she didn't. Instead, she pouted. "He moved on with a Zeltron who works at GAR headquarters. That's the best place to meet troopers, but they don't give access to civilians unless they have official business."

"Hardcase didn't seem like the type to ghost you out of nowhere," Ransom mused.

"I… may have freaked out about him asking me to be his girlfriend," Kai admitted. "I don't want anything serious, you know? Besides, I'm the one who introduced him to the new girl. She's a sweetheart. He adores her and she's the same about him. Can't be too upset with that."

Ark and Ransom exchanged loaded glances, but Kai had no interest in a therapy session. "Right! So, Ransom, you're still out?"

"I have no interest in coming along and I have work to do here."

"Well, that was almost nice," Kai congratulated. "Ark, it's you and me. When should we go?"

Ark shrugged. "Why don't we just stop there on the way home from work?"

"Are you kidding?" Kai asked, aghast at the idea. "We aren't exactly wearing Senatorial dress, but we're still too professional for a club! No, we need to go home, change, and meet there. How long do you need?"

"I don't know… half an hour?"

"How long do you need to find an outfit that makes sense in a club setting?" Kai rephrased her question.

"Two hours," Ark corrected herself, sounding sheepish.

"That's more like it," Kai said, satisfied. Her look turned wicked as she said, "Now, let's talk about makeup…"

"Are you sure you don't need any help here, Ransom?" Ark asked their boss, her eyes widening with hidden significance.

"No, it's too late!" Kai denied. "Meet me at my apartment and I'll help you. Let's say eight."

Ark glanced back at Ransom, who gave a sympathetic shrug. Ark sighed. "Fine, eight."

---

A/N - Hello, and welcome to yet another Clone Wars-based story! I can't leave these poor guys alone. They deserve so much more than they got! So, you may have noticed that some of the characters are a bit different from the way they are normally portrayed in fan fiction. The first fic I read with the Coruscant Guard had Thire as a happy joking guy and Thorn as a serious doom-and-gloom trooper. I'm coming to realize that is not typical for fanon interpretations, but those characterizations are embedded in my mind. I hope you didn't find this too jarring!

I'm experimenting with a new Game of Thrones-style POV tracking format. Hopefully that will keep things from getting too confusing as we bounce back and forth across eight different POVs! I apologize for the short length of this chapter, but it's just a simple introduction of (most of) the characters.

[iustories]

The Visitor

IU x Kim Soohyun

Jieun’s POV

Of all the places, I met you here. It's out of the ordinary I'd say, but I knew one day we'll see each other here. Little by little, everything faded before my eyes and I only saw you. You met my gaze with the same warmth and I clearly remembered the last time you looked at me similarly. When was that again? How long has it been since? I could tell you I lost count, but that would be a lie and I'm certain you'd immediately catch it before I even finish my sentence because you know everything about me, except for the part that I loved you I guess.

Loved? Should I be speaking in past tense? Do I still have the same fire burning in my chest? Sometimes I'm confused.

I approached you with caution as I always do, afraid to look eager, but I may give myself away when I smile a tad wider than usual. It can't be helped since you bring it out of me effortlessly and I'm a fool for giving in every damn time. But what is to be terrified about? This strange place will forget me, you, us, and whatever will happen, right? So I'll take my chances.

You rose to your feet with such grace and met me in the middle then pulled me into a tight hug. Ah, it feels like home. It feels like you. Seconds passed and I am still in your arms. I didn't detect any intention of you wanting to let go and it was my cue to allow myself to enjoy this freely. Was I always guilty when you're too close before? Now please don't break free. I promise I won't push you away this time. I'll make you stay.

There were no words spoken, just hearts beating in the same rhythm, speaking things that could not be explained if said.

"I missed you," you whispered, your soft breath tickling my ear.

If it weren't for this place, I would be hesitant to say it back, but since we're here let me just be honest. I'm sorry I had to mask my affection with dry humor. It was the only way I could tell you without actually telling you. "I missed you too. How have you been?"

Of course I'm aware that you're doing fine. You've been busy exploring new activities and having fun with your family. I check up on you from time to time. Despite what happened between us, I still genuinely care for you. "I'm good. And you?"

I was still engulfed in your embrace and if we talk for hours in this position, I wouldn't complain. "I'm okay too. I've been doing things here and there. Nothing really special, but yeah I'm okay."

I still can't conjure coherent sentences without feeling anxious. I mean, being around you still makes me nervous even in this place where nobody knows us.

You finally separated yourself from me, your hands traveling from my back towards my arms. You gripped them firmly then smiled at me, evidently delighted by my sudden appearance, like you've been waiting for me to come.

"Let's sit?" You casually asked and I nodded in response. You dragged me to the couch and motioned your hand, telling me to sit.

"What do you want to watch?" You asked, your eyes directing me to the screen. I turned to your laptop and scanned the selection. Seeing the titles brought a small smile on my lips because it just proves that it's you. Those movies and shows are your favorite. Now I'm sure this is all real.

I pointed at medical drama that you were raving about years ago. When you told me about it for the first time, I gave you a funny look because I didn't perceive you as a sentimental person.

"Good choice," you approved, your lips curving into a satisfied smile as you clicked on the show.

Do we have all the time in the world to watch shows? Can we settle some things first? I don't know how much time we have, so for the sake of my sanity, can we talk? But like in the past, my requests refused to leave my lips because your pleasure is much important than mine. I couldn't help it you know—putting you first. It's ridiculous, yes. But this is how I loved you.

Loved. There it is again. That word. It weighs heavily on me, waking the feelings I've come to abandon over the years as my hope dwindled. Can that word not ring in my head when I look at you? It's really bothersome and I can't focus on the present.

There was a considerable amount of space between us which actually disappointed me since we were always skin to skin. Have we fallen apart completely? Have we created boundaries? A while ago I thought we were back on track.

You must have heard my thoughts because you gradually moved closer until your arm was lightly touching mine and at the initial contact, I almost flinched and had to hold the gasp that was about to escape my lips. It amazes me how you still affect me with such intensity after all these years. I felt you arm hover over my neck and it found its way around my shoulder, causing me to freeze. You quietly tugged me towards you, urging me to relax and be comfortable, so I did. The loud beating of my heart deliberately subsided when you began patting my arm repeatedly. I eased my mind and I ran back to the things I used to do when I'm with you—placing my head on your chest and my arm around your belly.

And here I am again wishing this moment would never end, but I already tried it a couple of times in the past yet we were still separated by fate in the end.

"Jieun-ah," You called my name tenderly.

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to tell me anything?" You asked with a mellow tone, coaxing me.

"Like what?"

"Just anything. Maybe things I don't know?" There uncertainty in your voice, but I heard conviction as well.

Now I wonder if you've known all along. It's not impossible though since people talk and rumors spread quite fast.

Should I be honest or should I lie? Isn't this what I've been imagining—you asking me if I had something to say?

"I won't be mad. Whatever it is just tell me," you reassured me.

I let silence prevail, thinking hard if I should just say the truth. This is the redo that I prayed for, so letting this pass would be another dumb mistake.

"Do you know that I love you?"

Should I have said 'loved'? Which one is appropriate? And why am I answering you with a question? God damn it.

It was your turn to fall silent and tension immediately rose as you let seconds pass. "I know. I've always known."

My heart leaped as a mix of anxiety, fear, and excitement played inside my system. "Really?"

"I could see from the way you looked at me," You explained simply then paused.

"And I looked at you the same, but you never saw it, right?"

I processed your words carefully, afraid I might have gotten the wrong idea, but you interrupted my train of thoughts when you added, "We wouldn't be talking about this if you noticed. I loved you too."

"But things went downhill, didn't it?" I asked, trying to comfort myself from the missed opportunity by blaming it on fate and circumstances.

"It did," you affirmed. "But we could have tried."

"Would you have chosen me?"

You sighed then tightened your hold on me. "Yeah. I would have. Without a doubt."

"So we both ended up being alone after all that," I said chuckling, attempting to dismiss the ache growing inside my chest as regrets threaten to break loose at the gates of my mind.

"I talked a lot about you—no, all I talked about was you." I felt you shake your head, your chin brushing against the top of my head a few times. "I couldn't tell you too so I told other people."

"What were we so afraid of?" I asked, hoping that you had an answer. If we loved each other then, what was stopping us?

"Hurting others? We thought of them first before us."

Right. I almost forgot. Other people. We weren't selfish enough to take it to another level because of others or rather this person we both held close to our hearts. Our friend.

"Did we do the right thing?" I'm desperately seeking reprieve because I am being chased by the consequences of that decision.

"Yeah, I think we did," you answered as you peeked at my face and I wasn't quick enough to hide the sadness that was etched on it. "I'm sorry, Jieun-ah. I know I gave you a hard time. I know you've been waiting."

I bit my lip to control its trembling. The show continues to play on the screen, but it only served as the noise that filled the void when we fail to answer quickly.

"But doing the right thing doesn't always make us happy," you continued. "So are you happy now?"

I parted my lips yet nothing came out. Am I really happy without you? Am I truly resigned to the future I have in mind?

"Am I?" I stroked my chin as if I was really thinking of it, but in all honesty, I couldn't get myself to do it because I'm scared to know the answer.

You chuckled then ran your fingers down the length of my hair and I instinctively shut my eyes as the calming sensation of your touch registered. "I may be doing great, but I couldn't say I'm entirely happy."

Your answer surprised me. Even though you've confessed your feelings just a while ago, I couldn't wrap my head around it yet. How can I? I imagined hearing those words from you for quite a long time until I gave up, therefore everything may be happening inside my head.

"Me too." I was suddenly feeling hopeful since we are in another place. We were just two people who met unexpectedly so maybe this time I can fulfill my wishes. "So can we start again? If we aren't happy after what we've done, can we do what we want this time?"

You sighed again. What is it with the heavy sighs and the tone you've been using? Isn't this supposed to be a do-over, the clean slate that we both wanted? There isn't anyone who could hold us back anymore.

"I'm afraid we can't," you replied in a regretful tone.

You are so good at putting the pieces of my heart back together and breaking it right after. Hasn't this happened countless times already? Aren't you tired of hurting me?

"Why? What is our excuse this time?" I asked, my jaw clenching.

"We just can't."

"At least give me something I can understand. This is too much."

You kissed the top of my head. "This is not real, Jieun-ah"

"It is! What are you saying?"

"You know from the start this isn't real," you pressed further.

I gulped hard, my breathing becoming shallow and rapid. "Do we have to do this again?"

How many times do I have to lose you? How many times do you have to come back and remind me that you are not mine? You've been consistent at that and that's why I couldn't let you go that easily.

"Yes. We must go our separate ways again. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But I'm glad I saw you here."

Just as tears trickled down my face, my eyes fluttered open. My heart was pounding erratically against my chest as your voice echoed repeatedly in my brain. I'm glad I met you here. I felt the wetness of my pillow and realized that I shed some tears while I was asleep.

You, my frequent visitor, the person of my dreams, came to make your presence felt again. Indeed, you know when to remind me of you when I start to forget.