#we'll see if i need an extra therapy session this week

[problematic-polls]

therapy isn't helping me at all, what do I do? (info will be added at end)

• find new therapist

• stop attending

• tell therapist to change

• go to psychiatrist instead

• still attend without any changes

• something else

info: currently, I am a thirteen year old boy who is in therapy mostly for self harm, but im also there cause of my inability and resentment towards socializing and people in general. in my one hour therapy sessions, once per week during school, we don't really do anything to be honest. I sit in the room and we'll do an activity, like coloring. but we never talk about my problems. I have to bring it up myself, but I never do. is therapy actually supposed to work like this? it also gets real uncomfortable talking to a singular person, especially one that's just there to make me do better I guess. soon, I will have digital sessions, one is 30 minutes for one weekend day. I only said yes cause my mother pressured me to. my mom only has me in therapy cause she doesn't wanna seem like a bad mom, I've been doing self harm for years and my anxiety gets worse as my age progresses. I started poking myself with needles and pens at nine, but she only sent me to therapy at 13 since there were beginning to be too many actual scars on my arms due to razors. I don't like it at all. when I'm pissed off, I can't voice it to my therapist because she'll go on a lecture to calm myself down, but why do I need to calm down? my emotions are warranted. I'm sorry for rambling a bit.

extra that I forgot to type: my family isn't in a financial state to be able to buy a therapist. I would have to ask to see if they could switch it out or if I could go with the psychiatrist instead maybe. my therapy is free and paid by my school.

[feltferal]

yea hewo the mental and chronic illness have been illnessing

[if-childrenofiona]

🌙 dev log; aug.

12,096 words (+531)

a long time coming, yes. this should've been out sooner but i was recovering from food poising, apologies 🥲 aside from that— this month has been full of surprises to say the least.

firstly, the character portraits i intended to put out before the demo's release will be discontinued. i was super bummed about it, but unfortunately, the features that were once free to me and others now cost money. i'm incredibly hesitant to trust the ai company with my limited funds from some reviews i've read about people cheated. for example, they got locked out of their accounts after paying a subscription. also, how they would take extra credits from me to generate the picture made me even more suspicious of them. i'm not sure; we'll see. i just wanted to share the portraits of all the characters with you guys. i apologize ):

secondly, on a more lighter note, i'm considering gathering a small group of beta testers together! i'm not sure how to go about it but i think it would help with the editing/proofreading process a TON. so i'll keep you all updated on that :D in terms of the slight increase in words, i was able to add more words to set up some scenes that were lacking and it turned out nicely. i've also decided to change l/s to l for simplicity. (m!liroy and f!lorelai). additionally, i've been doing some character work in my notes book. giving all the ros therapy sessions (coz they all need it) and it's been SO GOOD. SO DEEP TOO. which gives me more content to write for my patreon in terms of side stories and whatnot.

lastly, i'm finishing up tumblr drafts and any asks i have left. sorry for the delays ): i haven't forgotten you anons. all of this will be posting some time during the first week of sep.

anywho, thanks for reading. your patience is so greatly appreciated. it makes things a lot easier. thank you. 🫶

[sluntch]

A Simpler Day, a Simpler Week - A Writing Experiment - Day 6

Ayo. Welcome to day 6 of me writing something every day. This one is pretty short and sweet, but here we go anyway.

So, in the last post, I mentioned injuring my ankle through overuse on a Friday, taking a 2:30 AM ER trip on Saturday and getting home around 7:30 AM the same day. Since then, I've been keeping off the ankle and wearing a boot to keep it from moving around on me. This means I can't really drive anywhere, can't go up and down stairs very easily (which is fairly comical given how many flights of stairs are in the duplex I live in), and can't workout during the week. Abbey is also on a business trip for the week so I'm alone for the time being. Turns out you really miss the extra caloric room built into the day from just a workout. Today I went over the limit into equilibrium territory to get rid of some leftovers that needed to be eaten. In that same vein, I also miss Abbey as, not only is it fairly lonely without her (though I can cope with help from Dil and the lads, especially during the day or in discord) but also that she helps eat some extra lefties that need to be eaten when she takes them for lunch and I don't have to be responsible for everything in the fridge. I suppose that's the tradeoff for only doing cooking up to this point to be specifically having two portions for dinner and then having some lefties ready for the rest of the week. I suppose the bonus was that the grocery bill was much this week as I'm only cooking twice (to stay off the foot) and only for myself.

Last night I made a creamy tomato-base soup and added cubed tofu to it. We usually have it with tortellini, but I wanted to try and make it a bit lower-calorie and use one of the two packs of tofu I had gotten for the week. to go under it, I oven-roasted some broccoli and sweet potatoes, a go-to vegetable in our apartment as they 1). are delicious and 2). make a bunch. They go really far into the week and are great as impromptu veggies for meals, should I not have another one, and are great on the salads (I call them "Big Salad" because they are colossal and delicious) I sometimes make for lunch throughout the week. I invited Dil over to partake for some company and to just chill. It was super fun. We watched the first episode of Arcane again, semi-preparing for season 2 of that, and the first two episodes of the newest season of Jujutsu Kaisen, which he is binging to catch up to as I write this. The week is, about as much as it can be, off to a rip-roaring start. I just need this ankle to cut it out and we'll be ok. But now my right knee started kind of hurting too, so I'm worried this might be going a bit deeper than I previously thought. That or I'm still somehow using the leg too much. Time will tell, I suppose.

Second-to-last thing for this entry: I start with a new therapist tomorrow. The therapy office I was going to had a change in how they can bill my insurance and the therapist I was working with at the time was one of the ones that wouldn't be covered. Our jobs are paying a bit better now but we're trying to buy a house and possibly have a kid within the next 3 or 4 years so every penny we can save is important. So I opted to get transferred to a new therapist that would be covered. It sucks to have to start over entirely but I was only about 5 sessions in with the initial therapist, so it's not like there was a years-long connection being severed. I still liked her a lot, though, and I had made some really good progress even in that short time. We'll see how this shakes out.

Last thing, short and sweet: I'm really nervous and scared that the endocrinology visit won't be able to be moved up before 11/29 and it'll take till even longer after that to get the surgery scheduled. I feel more and more like I'm just deteriorating or wasting away. This ankle thing is really rough and with another several months to wait to get this stuff treated I'm genuinely frightened of how bad it may get. I've got patience but I don't know how much is left.

60 days to go.

[wanderinginksplot]

Warriors in Red Armor

Next | Masterlist

Chapter One

Hound I

"So, are we going to 79's tonight?" Hound asked. He had meant to be subtle about it, but the question burst out of him the moment his well-worn boots crossed the threshold of the small break space allotted to members of the Coruscant Guard.

As break spaces went, the one designated for the Coruscant Guard's clone troopers was an embarrassment. Some determined being had managed to cram a table and a handful of chairs inside, but it was a tight fit. If more than a few fully armored troopers went inside at the same time, none of them would get back out without removing some armor to clear the traffic jam. The lights flickered, the faucet leaked, the floor was always sticky, and the stuffy air held a hint of the chemicals that had been stored there years ago. Since then, the previous break space had been renovated into an office for one of the few nat-born commanding officers and this one had been created for the clone troopers.

Still, the smell of caf was stronger than the smell of chemicals most days and the light from a nearby advertisement screen lit the room so brightly that the flickering lights didn't give any of the troopers a migraine anymore. Hound always was a man who liked to see the glass as half-full. Maybe even a little more than half, if that glass was sitting under the dripping faucet.

Thire snorted at Hound's question, leaning back in his chair until gravity threatened to topple him. "Well, boys? Hound wants to know if we're going to 79's this lovely Friday evening. What do we think?"

Thorn glanced around the room, looking unamused by his brother's antics. "We think I'm the only other one here, di'kut."

"Exactly!" Thire said in triumph, obviously determined to ignore his fellow commander. "It's the weekend! Why wouldn't we go to 79's?"

"Because you've finally realized that it's a glorified zoo?" Thorn snapped, tone venomous. "79's is where civvies go to stare at clone troopers so they can feel like they're being daring. In reality, they're being irritating."

Having spoken his piece, Thorn tossed back the last of his cup of caf, always consumed as dark as his mood. Hound shuddered at the thought. Corrie Guard caf was brewed at the approximate concentration of speeder fuel and could eat through duracrete. Only a trooper who hated himself would drink it black.

Thorn always drank it black.

"So you don't want to go?" Hound asked again, sounding heartbroken.

"No, I'll go," Thorn told him. "Zoo or not, 79's still has the cheapest booze on Coruscant that doesn't use poison as a mixer."

"Well, that's the most excited I've heard Thorn get about anything for a week, at least," Thire smirked. "Commander Fox, you want in on this?"

The Head Commander of the Coruscant Guard, having just stepped into the break room to fill his mug with caf, shook his head. "No, I'm on duty tonight. The Clone Rights group has been cleared to march and the Chancellor wants an extra Guard presence. Stone will be stuck here as well, monitoring any new arrivals."

"Ugh," Hound said, summarizing everyone else's point of view. "Well, we'll be thinking of you both, Commander."

Fox lowered the datapad in his hand to shoot a look in Hound's direction. "Sergeant, don't you have that ARF PR stunt tomorrow at 0800?"

Hound shrugged. "Yeah, but I can do both."

"Make sure you don't miss it," Fox ordered sternly. "The last thing I need is to have to report to the Chancellor that you missed a chance to give the GAR a boost in civil opinion."

Hound saluted and Fox turned his attention to the other break room occupants. "Thorn, if you let your stubble get any longer, it'll be considered a beard and subject to facial hair regulations. Thire, sit on the chair like a normal being, would you?"

Thorn nodded and Thire grinned as he let the chair's legs slam onto the floor. Fox rolled his eyes at their antics, refilled his cup of caf, and left the break area. Hound idly wondered how many of the gray hairs appearing at the Head Commander's temples were due to the commanding officer team. Still, the Chancellor had let Fox choose his own team of COs, so there was no one to blame but himself.

"Meet at 2100?" Thire asked. "That's prime time for 79's and there'll be plenty of talent. I'll go ahead and apologize, vode. When you look this good, you automatically get your pick of the females."

Thire brushed a hand back across his hair - meticulously trimmed to maintain the subtle horizontal lines shaved into the otherwise regulation cut - and grinned at the other two. Hound and Thire rolled their eyes, but agreed anyway.

---

Kai I

"Hey, do you guys want to go to 79's tonight?" Kai asked, perched on the desk she was supposed to be sitting behind. She was always restless and neither of the other women blamed her for the odd choice of seat - even though it made inter-desk communication a bit of a pain.

Arkularia - who, for the sake of Kai's sanity, allowed the others to call her 'Ark' - was the first to respond. "79's? The clone bar?"

"Do you want to drink, dance, or find a one-night stand?" Ransom asked from behind her expansive tech setup. "Because there are better places for any of those. Closer, too."

"No, I want to go to 79's," Kai said, kicking up her chin. "And as for what I want… I want all of them. All three options, please and thank you."

"Did you just try to order a night out? Like from a menu?" Ransom asked. From the tone of her voice, Kai had managed to earn a rare smile from her boss. Of course, that was only a guess since Ransom didn't emerge from her den so Kai could verify the expression.

"No… but can you imagine how much easier that would be?" Kai asked in her own defense.

"It would take some of the fun out of it, I think," Ark said slowly.

Kai chucked a wad of flimsi at her friend and co-worker's head, cheering to herself as it connected and bounced off of Ark's white-blonde hair. "I know that, Ark! C'mon guys, do you want to come to 79's with me or not?"

"I'm out," Ransom said immediately, shutting down the projector option on her desk. She was still illuminated by the ambient light from the schematics on her datapad. The cybernetic implants in Ransom's arm gleamed in the blue glow as she dragged a hand over her shaved head. "I have to work late if we have any hope of finishing our next job on time."

"Ark?" Kai asked, not too proud to sound like she was begging.

Ark sighed, pale eyes hopeless in the face of Kai's wheedling. "Fine, I'll go along."

"Yes!"

"Ransom, are you sure you can't come, too?" Ark asked, her voice a bit desperate.

"I really do have to stay and work on this," Ransom apologized, gesturing at her assortment of datapads. "My condolences."

"We're going to a club, not facing a firing squad!" Kai admonished. "Besides, I just want to find someone fun."

"Like that last guy?" Ark asked, squinting a bit as she applied her prodigious memory to her own question. "What was his name?"

"Not sure," Kai admitted. "But he was so much fun! Great tattoos."

"So you are looking for a hookup! I knew it," Ransom crowed.

Ark frowned. "Why a clone trooper? They're never on-planet for long before they have to leave."

"Exactly," Kai said with a wink. "Love 'em and leave 'em."

"Didn't the last one stick around for a while? I thought I remembered seeing him more than a few times…" Ark pondered.

"Hardcase! His name was Hardcase," Ransom remembered. "He came by every day of his leave."

"Strange name," Ark commented.

"Strange guy," Ransom said with a shrug.

"But he was hot," Kai countered, folding a piece of flimsi to look like a tooka. At least it did in her imagination. "And so much fun. I need another someone like him."

"What happened to him?" Ark asked curiously.

Kai would have blushed if she had any shame - too bad for Coruscant that she didn't. Instead, she pouted. "He moved on with a Zeltron who works at GAR headquarters. That's the best place to meet troopers, but they don't give access to civilians unless they have official business."

"Hardcase didn't seem like the type to ghost you out of nowhere," Ransom mused.

"I… may have freaked out about him asking me to be his girlfriend," Kai admitted. "I don't want anything serious, you know? Besides, I'm the one who introduced him to the new girl. She's a sweetheart. He adores her and she's the same about him. Can't be too upset with that."

Ark and Ransom exchanged loaded glances, but Kai had no interest in a therapy session. "Right! So, Ransom, you're still out?"

"I have no interest in coming along and I have work to do here."

"Well, that was almost nice," Kai congratulated. "Ark, it's you and me. When should we go?"

Ark shrugged. "Why don't we just stop there on the way home from work?"

"Are you kidding?" Kai asked, aghast at the idea. "We aren't exactly wearing Senatorial dress, but we're still too professional for a club! No, we need to go home, change, and meet there. How long do you need?"

"I don't know… half an hour?"

"How long do you need to find an outfit that makes sense in a club setting?" Kai rephrased her question.

"Two hours," Ark corrected herself, sounding sheepish.

"That's more like it," Kai said, satisfied. Her look turned wicked as she said, "Now, let's talk about makeup…"

"Are you sure you don't need any help here, Ransom?" Ark asked their boss, her eyes widening with hidden significance.

"No, it's too late!" Kai denied. "Meet me at my apartment and I'll help you. Let's say eight."

Ark glanced back at Ransom, who gave a sympathetic shrug. Ark sighed. "Fine, eight."

---

A/N - Hello, and welcome to yet another Clone Wars-based story! I can't leave these poor guys alone. They deserve so much more than they got! So, you may have noticed that some of the characters are a bit different from the way they are normally portrayed in fan fiction. The first fic I read with the Coruscant Guard had Thire as a happy joking guy and Thorn as a serious doom-and-gloom trooper. I'm coming to realize that is not typical for fanon interpretations, but those characterizations are embedded in my mind. I hope you didn't find this too jarring!

I'm experimenting with a new Game of Thrones-style POV tracking format. Hopefully that will keep things from getting too confusing as we bounce back and forth across eight different POVs! I apologize for the short length of this chapter, but it's just a simple introduction of (most of) the characters.