#we'll either know tomorrow or we wont. and i dont know whats worse.
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two fears:
my mri says something
my mri says nothing
#thats where we're at with it rn folks#we've done every other possible test and i've passed it with flying colours like the overachiever i am#genuinely i dont know which of these answers is worse. or preferred.#i'd like to think there being nothing would be worse. cause then it is quite literally all in my head and we just have to wait#but if there *is* something. thats kind of scary too. depending on what it is.#there's been so many suggestions and ideas thrown around and my brain has latched onto one specifically#like wouldnt it be wild. if for the past year. ive had a tumour in my brain causing all of these issues. ahah. wouldnt that be crazy.#i dont know what the odds are. the CT could've caught it but also not. and the sudden deafness also could be a tumour doing it. so#it's been plastered on the front of my mind since stupid yt shorts decided to algorithmically show it to me. so thanks for that#i hope my fbi agent is worried for me#we'll either know tomorrow or we wont. and i dont know whats worse.#char speaks
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whats fun is looking at the thread youre hanging on by and seeing where it's about to snap. whats even more fun is deliberately cutting through that thread because you know it'll just snap anyways so why bother clinging to it as if youll make it somehow
#im at the point of complete and total apathy#no matter how many ''life plans'' i make itll all end with me killing myself anyways#ive already proven that i cant change so why bother trying#shes right i did go right back to how i was before going away. no actually thats a lie i got even worse ahah#i dont care. i just dont care.#i actually got a library card on my own today. i even reserved some books and just have to wait for another local library to send them over#i even have plans on friday to get an actual id! but yknow what?#i could still jump off a bridge tomorrow without batting an eye.#i dont care about ''making it'' anymore. whats the point when once i die i'll just reincarnate into the world i was supposed to be in?#whats the point when even if i do manage to become a successful person i'll just be cutting myself and planning my suicide either way?#i dont care. i'll put on my favorite outfit and go jump somewhere high enough that theres no chance id survive i dont care.#i'll even bring all my pills and my box cutter with me for good measure#i really dont care. i really think this is gonna be it.#i rethink for a second when i remember how those i love are going to feel but then i remember i wont be alive in this world to see it#i'll see everyone again when im home anyways. if i will it enough i can bring them along and we'll all be happy#and even if i never wake again then even nonexistence will be better than this#i see no real reason not to anymore. i dont have a future that doesnt end in me taking my own life anyways#i really could do it tomorrow if i have the willpower for it. im going to be left alone in the house for a few hours so#no one could stop me#its tempting#and you know me#self-destructively impulsive without a care in the world towards self-control?#we'll see. we will see.#please pray i will make it home everyone.
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