#we could merge our polycules!!

[queer-polyam-emperor-penguin]

So I was looking at some old KimchiCuddles comics on Pinterest and thinking about how my polcule and polyamory views have changed since I started really exploring polyam as an adult (because teenage me had less communication skills than a mouse and regularly fell into pitfalls bc of it).

And fudge have we changed a lot.

Our views, wants, needs, desires, commitments, values.... actually lowkey haven't changed a lot at all.

But my actual communication and polyam styles have changed majorly.

I still want a house with my primary polycule and a family.

We literally have plans for future baby.

But I have different expectations around sex and dating, primaries aren't really as thing in the sense of 'you're my first priority for the future' thing but rather an 'If/when we have kids involved, we will share X,Y,Z priorities and commitments with each other, meaning our communication and expectations in our relationship has to be shared and based in reality not fantasy or hopes'

And my expectations of a relationship are different now; because I understand long distance, I understand domestic bliss, I understand how quickly a toxic or abusive situation escalate.

I prioritise my partners words and world views over availability on weekends, I value how they handle conflict more, I appreciate competency around domestic tasks and commitment to learning new skills, I respect a wider range of job-sets based off skill values rather than potential monetary rewards and I have a lower tolerance for debt and spending habits that create conflict; particularly debt with no repayment plans or someone who sees debt as a non-concern.

I value things like; financial literacy, independence, non traditional education, knowledge on niche subjects, an understanding how emotional growth and emotional maturity and development of self are all in important aspects of a healthy relationship and life together.

I value shared understanding of commitment, trust, appreciation and affection. I appreciate authenticity and autonomy and honesty. I expect respect, compassion, communication, community.

I value and expect safe sexual relationships with and without me. I respect those who are constantly learning to update their experiences and expectations around sex, sexuality, culture and consent.

Like young adult me wanted a lot of things... with no concept of wtf went into those things from the other side.

I could absolutely tell you what I'd done to make myself feel and look like a valuable partner in the ~dream lives~ I'd written for myself.

But I wouldn't have been able to tell you about those things in the people I was dating as to ~why~ I thought they were a good fit.

Because 'I love them and they'll grow up eventually' is not exactly a plan or a thought through decision in dating.

And yes, unfortunately that was a real answer I gave multiple times. I was not good at describing why I liked someone or why I thought they were a potential good fit with my life because I wasn't actually dating people because I thought they would be, more because they were cute and asked me out or I thought they were cute and they said yes when I did.

Which leads me to now; where before dating Moose, I sat down and went through everything that I wanted and expected and decided that I was going to have in my future or just be alone and I was going to date with the intention of my happiness merging with someone else's happiness.

And for once, I can tell you why I dated someone.

Because I trust him, because he is incredibly honest and dedicated to growth and growing as a person and being part of my community in a way that I asked.

Because he chose to enter into this based on mutual attraction and interest; but also mutual respect and goals and a promise to communicate and work together towards what we wanted.

There wasn't an expectation that he jump in and start a family with me or live with me or anything.

In fact for a good while, we were still having a discussion about how things would work based on the timeline my QPP and I had planned for having a house and baby.

He integrated into more with time and trust and thought and effort; he chose this, it was never expected of him and that kinda makes it mean more to me.

But it also reassured for me exactly that this was what I wanted and how I expected and wanted my polycule to run.

With blunt honesty and expectations and boundaries set for the get-go and then moving forward with trust and respect and confidence in each other growing; more commitments being discussed based on the levels each other want and no-one taking commitments they're not sure of and not expecting to be automatically placed in a position of high responsibility and commitment from the get go.

I think when we talk about hierarchy, sometimes we mean 'I don't want to feel unimportant or unwanted' and people take that to the extreme of 'It's been 6months; I want the same level of commitment as your 6yr long QPP who's had 2-3yrs of planning with you and communicating and negotiating and setting things up' (Has actually happened to me a few times) and that's not how relationships work.

I can provide you time, I can provide you energy, I can provide you with affection. But I cannot give myself out in perfectly equal slices because I would absolutely burn out... but not everything has that level of commitment that requires responsibility.

I would never expect to be an automatic responsibility in a relationship with a single parent, especially if they had a co-parenting relationship that required maintenance and respect and balancing multiple family responsibilities and functions for their children. I would not expect to be any level of commitment until explicitly stated and discussed and I wouldn't expect to be a part of commitment with responsibility until discussed even further. And with a parent who has a lot of responsibilities; I would expect it to possibly take years.

I don't understand why in some past relationships; people expected automatic access to me and my entire life based on an interest in building connections. If you haven't built up to me to that point, you just haven't yet. And I would be happy to discuss why, but being yelled at for not instantaneously providing commitment frustrates me.

Because I see how my relationships failed (and I say failed not because they didn't last long term; but because we failed to communicate or because I ignored the red flags and then had to leave abuse… which are the two main reasons for breakups in my past) and have grown since and seen where other relationships succeeded (again; not how long they lasted but wether or not we still communicate literally because of how we handled things and wether or not it's mutual, etc) I can look back and acknowledge a fuckton of growth and grief and where polyamory stereotypes and community expectations failed me.

And I think choosing your own life and your own path and deciding to follow your dreams and happiness with honesty and openness is incredibly important but also very difficult and challenging. It's something that takes a lot of courage and dedication and determination just to get through.

But for me; it's invaluable and it's wonderful and worth it.

I fucked up a ~lot~ at the beginning.

But I don't now.

I learnt how to communicate openly and compassionately.

And I am proud of that.

I'm proud of what it took and I think it's important to acknowledge and see the changes we make along the way and how fucking hard it was to get there.

But we did and it was worth it.