#we also should fear aromantics but they aren’t necessarily immune to lust so fear them for the usual reasons

[lovelesslittleloser]

People should be more afraid of asexuals, because they’re the only people that are immune to one of the seven deadly sins

[reckless-desire-to-live]

sorry if this is too personal, you don't have to answer, but why would you want to have sex if you're asexual? i don't mean to be rude, i just want to understand. would it be for kids? and can you physically enjoy sex? i'm really sorry if this comes out as insensitive or overly personal.

Whew, okay. So no, this totally isn’t too personal for me- I’ve specifically opened myself up for these types of questions exactly. There isn’t a single thing you could ask me that I would find too personal! Scout’s honour, and all that. First things first, this is a good (if a little short, but handy) link you can check out for a brief run-up on asexuality that addresses some of those questions a little. There are plenty of different websites and blogs and forums although I caution against taking everything you read with more than a grain of salt because there’s a lot of misinformation on asexuality. Even asexual people aren’t immune to perpetuating myths. That being said, I should clarify before answering that I absolutely do NOT speak for the entire asexual community- I only speak for myself (and sort of a few others I’ve spoken to, and general info I’ve collected, etc. but I can’t even hold myself to that). I mean, that’s a bit of an obvious caption but still needs to be said: I am a source of info, but I don’t represent everyone!So, that being said. First question: Why would you have sex if you’re asexual? There are plenty of ways to answer this. Just to be clear so we’re starting on the same page, asexuality only refers to sexual attraction. It means a lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. It doesn’t mean lack of romantic attraction, it doesn’t mean not liking sex, etc. Just no sexual attraction. 

When people ask me this question, I like to walk them through this thought exercise, just as a starting point: Imagine someone in your life that you’re quite fond of as a person. A friend, maybe, or an acquaintance or colleague or whatever. Pick someone who’s objectively or “conventionally” attractive, and who has a good personality, but for whatever reason you’re just not really attracted to them- you just don’t feel that “spark” or lust or whatever. Really reflect on how you feel about them, how you know it’s different than someone you’re really attracted to, etc. Now, imagine that the way you that feel right now, about this person that you’ve been thinking of, is the closest thing to sexual attraction that you’ll EVER feel to anyone in your entire life. You’ve only ever felt that way, and you only ever will again. To anyone. But everything else- your personality, thoughts on sex, kinks, fantasies, masturbation habits, fears and excitements, everything else is exactly the same about you. Would you still have sex in your life? The answer could be yes, could be no, could be maybe. And that’s exactly the point!I’m asexual, but I still have a sex drive. My body still decides every now and again to get horny just like everyone else, based on hormone fluctuations and the like. My body also still physically reacts to stimulus. I masturbate probably just as regularly as anyone else. Those things aren’t true for every asexual, of course, but they also aren’t true for every non-ace either. So what do you do when you have a “regular” sex drive (or a high one, or low but still-existent one) and just no individual person who makes it flare up or whom you want to exercise it with? That’s the question, and that’s why so many of us are all over the board. Now. Asexual people’s attitudes toward sex can generally be broken down into three fluid categories: sex-repulsed, sex-indifferent, and sex-favourable. That’s the same as any other orientation! There are straight people who are any of these three, too. For someone who’s sex indifferent, they have no qualms about sex and no issue with it- just maybe don’t actively seek it out- and so they may have sex as part of a negotiation of relationship boundaries and desires, for example. Or just because, really (I’ve heard one ace person describe sex as “a cross between mini golf and grocery shopping” for them- basically, not super fun, don’t mind it once you’re doing it, and every once in a while they just decide to initiate it for kicks). Generally, sex-repulsed people don’t have sex, or try to avoid it on a whole, although there are exceptions to this too. This goes for everyone again, not just aces, although there are just larger concentrated numbers of sex-indifferent and sex-repulsed ace people relative to other orientations because there’s just less of a drive for us to get involved with any particular person that way. But all relationships have negotiations like this, and everyone has different preferences!Don’t forget that we are throwing romantic attraction into the mix in all this too- ace people date, have crushes, whatever, so it’s all wrapped up together. I’m generally a sex-favourable ace for the most part, although I fluctuate to repulsed now and again. I have a ton of reasons for being “into” sexual things, which would just fill up even more space on this gigantic answer, so I won’t go into it too much. But honestly, in my head, I perceive sex with someone as a sort of mutual masturbation- physically reaching orgasm, because it’s physically stimulating and well, you know if you’ve ever masturbated lol, but just doing it with another person whom I already happen to romantically love and enjoy kissing so they’re already there and they like sex, so eh lets help each other out you know? Intimacy and trust can be nice too, as can the incorporation of kink/fetish/fantasy, depending on if that kind of thing is your thing or not. So again, same reasons a lot of people have sex, just without the “holy crap I’m attracted to you and must take your clothes off” part. *shrugs*So that answers the third question: yes, aces can physically (discounting the emotional piece for a second, which we’ve just touched on) enjoy sex the same way a gay man could enjoy sex with a woman or a woman could enjoy sex with a man she’s just not all that into. For many sex-repulsed aces this would not be true since sex would likely be coercive/traumatizing on a whole, but same for any straight people who’ve been traumatized, or are just really grossed out by one specific sex act, or whatever. So, now we come to the last bit: Would it be for kids? So I’m not entirely sure what you’re asking here, or even that it wasn’t a typo, but I’m going to assume the least weird-and-creepy version of this question and answer that, which is: Can kids be/identify as asexual? (if this is not what you meant, please feel free to ask again).My answer to that is basically just, well, yeah, kind of. I mean I would never use the word asexual, or the definition regarding sexual attraction, to describe a child or offer up an identity for them since they aren’t anywhere near sexual attraction yet with a 10 foot pole. A teenager though? Sure. Even a preteen? Possibly. But even for actual young children, many of us ace people knew we were “different” from a really young age without even slightly incorporating anything to do with sex or sexual attraction (obviously), just because asexuality kind of.. branches. It affects things. I actually plan on talking about all of the nuances of this at some point in a longer post, so I won’t word vomit here too much. But basically, even putting aside the fact that many ace people are also aromantic, or on the aromantic spectrum somewhere, people who aren’t aromantic but are ace (like me) still could have some fundamental piece of that asexuality affect things. For example I actually do experience romantic attraction, yet I’ve never had a “crush” of any kind on anyone in my life. I didn’t even have those “little kid crushes” where the girls used to chase the boys around in grade one and try to pet their hair or kiss their cheek and then cry cooties afterward, or whatever. I just didn’t. I still experience romantic attraction, but just somehow a little differently than most people I know (and it kicked in really “late,” too, like late teens) and I honestly think it’s all tied together with my asexuality. If someone had just told me as a kid “hey, it’s okay if you like boys, girls, both, other genders, etc., and it’s also okay if you happen to not like anyone ,or if you do like people but just in a different way than it seems like your friends do. It’s all okay!” it would have made a HUGE difference in my life. If I had known it was a “thing” and not just me, I would have related to the asexual identity (although not the word, necessarily, or the definition, again because I was a child) since literally kindergarten. So yeah, I absolutely think kids can be some version of “ace,” sure. If you have any other questions, or follow-up/clarification ones, feel free to hmu. If you wanna run for the hills after this lecture, I wish you luck. (Okay, wow that was ridiculously long, I seriously high five you rn if you actually made it this far- here, have a relaxed polar bear)