#watching the season 4 finale again really made me nostalgic for that early brainia dynamic. and inhibited!brainy's personality

[owl-with-a-pen]

This was by far not the first time that Brainy had spent the night with Nia Nal.

There had been many-a routine patrol that had led to this precise scenario in the past – of returning home in the early hours of the morning only to conclude that the logical course of action would be to cut travel time by simply spending their night together. Or, more accurately, what was left of it. Brainy was often expected back at the DEO well before sunrise and, with that in mind, Nia had offered her assistance by telling him to think of her place as a ‘safe crash space’. Somewhere he’d be welcome whenever he needed it, even if sleep was rarely a need he was compelled to satisfy.

He felt as though he might need it now. By the time they’d left J’onn’s place that evening, Brainy had to admit that he was starting to feel… off. His realignment had taken its toll in ways that were becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. He’d already diverted several background processes to mitigate any physical side effects, but there was only so much he was able to do before even that began to fail him.

In short, his head was pounding.

He hadn’t wanted to disclose such information to his friends, certainly not Nia. She had been through enough strife already, having contended with the most unsavoury aspects of his psyche, parts of himself he had never wished for anyone to see. The cold and calculating mentality that clouded his own judgement whenever his ancestors were given free reign over his mind. It was a … self-preservation tactic, one he hated with every fibre of his being, that he wished wholeheartedly that he could take back. But… it had happened. And now, it was over. And somehow… Nia had still accepted his affections. Had invited him home, to her bed.

And there he lay, fingers linked across his chest, watching Nia from the corner of his eye as she slept soundly at his side. He had feared she would never find peace lying here with him, that by abandoning her, forcing her into danger just to satisfy his own selfish curiosity, would have amounted to something truly unforgivable in her eye. He hadn’t disclosed exactly why he had done the things he had, and yet she’d still accepted what little he’d been able to offer on their journey home from Shelley Island.

That it hadn’t been him. That he was back.

Brainy only wished he could believe those words as surely as she.

The truth was, he had yet to feel fully himself again - to recapture everything his ancestors had shaken loose. He heard them still, a constant threat at the back of his mind, but their words had no power any longer. His fear and pain had given them full access to his thought tracks, the electric shocks administered to his implants offering just enough of a mental distraction to allow for their escape, to convince him that he needed them. Those mental cages had been locked and refortified a thousand times over since that slip-up, but even that didn’t feel like enough. He would never ­– could never – allow a mistake like that again.

But how could he explain that to Nia? What might she think of him if she knew the truth? Yes, he had admitted once that his ancestors were evil—collectors and world-enders, destroyers. It would be something else to tell her that no matter how far he tried to run, no matter how long he lived, their actions would always be a part of him, in a way that far extended the comprehension of a biological mind.

Would she share a bed with him so easily then? Knowing that his mind housed the potential for great evil, that he alone had evaded the diabolical lineage that stretched back centuries, millennia?

All that and more rested at the tip of Brainy’s tongue, and he so wished that he could divulge everything to her now, to free himself from this guilt. But the day’s events had left Nia exhausted and he could not wake her, could not be the cause for yet more of her pain.

This was his fault, it was always—

His thoughts turned to static when Nia shifted suddenly in her sleep, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she rolled comfortably over to Brainy’s side of the bed.

His heart twisted inside his chest as he watched her. She was beautiful, astounding, her face a fine curve in the moonlight, her lashes fluttering in the midst of a dream well underway. Seeing her like that… Brainy could almost let himself relax.

That was until Nia’s arm slipped out from beneath covers, reaching instead for him.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t risk anything with her. Could not hurt her. Not again. Not…

Brainy held his breath, rolling expertly out from under her wandering hand…

…and directly onto the floor.

The impact was jarring, rattling through his right side where his arm took the brunt of the fall. Had his head not felt like it was splitting in two, he may have recovered quick enough to evade Nia’s notice.

“Brainy?” Nia asked, her voice heavy and sleep laden. “You okay?”

Brainy swore to himself. He sat up abruptly, peering nervously over the edge of the mattress and right into the worried gaze of one Nia Nal.

She stared back at him in confusion, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with the heel of her hand.

“I’m fine,” Brainy said, quicker than he’d anticipated. He cleared his throat so hard he coughed, tilting his chin away from her. “Just – uh – a headache.”

“From the warehouse?” Nia asked, shifting in concern. “You didn’t look so hot when we left the island. Anything I can do?” She smothered a yawn with her fist, pushing herself up from the mattress. “Would aspirin work for you?”

Brainy swallowed down the urge to smile. Aspirin would do precisely nothing to dull this particular pain, but he didn’t wish to discredit her attempt at helping.

“Worry not,” he assured her, bulking his claim with his usual bravado, “I am fully functional. It is nothing to concern yourself with. I-I simply need some air.” He made a swift shooing gesture, causing Nia to blink in surprise, before he made to stand. “Return to your dreams, Nia Nal. I will be back—oh, would you look at that.” Without meeting her eye, he scooped his phone from the nightstand, gleaning through his recent text notifications with feigned interest. He paused, straightening out his stance. “A matter at the DEO requires my immediate attention. I will—see you tomorrow.” He clumsily took her shoulder, narrowing his eyes. “And then we will talk more about what transpired today.”

“Okay,” Nia said slowly, in a tone that suggested she didn’t quite believe his excuse. Brainy elected to play the fool for the time being; at least that way he could leave without any further questions being asked.

As he turned to leave, however, Nia took his hand. “Brainy, wait—” He stopped himself with some effort, practically bobbing on his feet with restless energy as he glanced her way. Nia’s face was open, worried, her eyes a brown shimmer in the dark. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Brainy forced a smile. “Perfectly,” he lied, patting her hand with little grace. Even he couldn’t deny that the gesture felt wooden to some degree, but under the circumstances he could do no better. His head was still roaring with guilt he could hardly contain, whispers from a dozen buried Brainiacs urging him to let loose a little – set them free.

All he said out loud was, “Sleep tight, Nia Nal.”

Nia didn’t get a chance to interrogate him further than that; he was out of the door in an instant, breathing out a sigh of relief the moment he found himself alone in the hallway. His head continued to throb, pain that pressed so insistently into his jaw that his teeth began to ache.

It didn’t matter that there had been no such alert at the DEO, he would gladly take up a night shift simply to extenuate the noise inside his head. Perhaps he could even steal a few hours for himself somewhere quiet to try and rid of this pesky headache once and for all. After all, he was nothing if not efficient in the art of multitasking.

He knew it would not be that easy of course - his ancestors never were. Today, they had proven that even his strongest defences could be broken. No amount of reinforcement or careful mental manipulation would convince them to surrender the chance at attempting it again. And again. And again.

He would tell Nia, he promised strictly to himself. Tomorrow… when the voices were less persistent, perhaps.

And then… then she could decide for herself whether he was truly worthy of being – as she had called it – the big spoon.