#was hard to focus on stream while i was drawing why did bobby set himself on fire

[pawzunyan]

various sketches while i watched stream. not .. entirely happy with my bobby design ? i might workshop it some more

[tired-eyes-cold-as-ice]

Finally Free

summary: He thought about how long it took him to accept it. Not realize, no, Alex Mercer has always liked boys, there was not a single doubt in his mind. He’s always known. He just hated that part of himself for the majority of his life. Or, Alex comes out.

warnings: panic attacks, implied/referenced homophobia, internalized homophobia, depression, strong language (Alex Swears™)

words:  5783

chapters: 2/2

notes: This was supposed to a cute one-shot where Luke and Reggie write Finally Free for Alex after he comes out to them because I was rewatching JATP (as one does) and noticed the song in Luke's journal and my brain went brrr. And then I started writing it? And suddenly Alex was horribly depressed and everything was miserable?? So, uh, yeah. I promise there is a happy, soft ending though because Luke and Reggie are good friends. I apologize for the Bobby erasure in this, I deadass forgot about him when writing.

read on ao3 <3

---

Chapter 1: What If?

To say that he was scared shitless would be an understatement.

To say that he was so terrified he felt like his heart would force its way out of his body right through his throat would be closer to the truth, though no analogy could accurately describe Alex’s feelings as he stood before his two bandmates. Alex scanned the room, eyes darting from Luke’s guitar in the corner of the studio, to his drum set, the extremely beat up dartboard on the far end wall, even his own shoes—anywhere but the two boys sat in front of him with worried expressions painted all over their faces. Subconsciously, he started fidgeting with the hem of his sweatshirt, rubbing the soft pink fabric between his shaking fingers. Breathe.

He breathed in, words forming in his mind. He opened his mouth to let them out, but nothing happened. He tried one more time, still nothing.

His eyes welled up with tears and he blinked them away angrily, letting out a frustrated groan. Why did it have to be so fucking difficult?

As he reached up to rub away at his eyes, trying to will the tears to go away, a quiet voice broke the silence in the room.

“Alex, if… if you’re not feeling up to it right now, we can just go play and you can tell us some other time.”

Alex couldn’t help but snort slightly at that. Luke Patterson has never sounded this gentle and under different circumstances, Alex might’ve started teasing him for going soft but not now. Not when Luke’s eyes were filled with genuine concern and it was clear he was using all his willpower not to just jump up and pull Alex into his arms since that’s how Luke Patterson comforted people who seemed upset.

And, well, Alex was upset.

He glanced over at Reggie too, the dark-haired boy mirroring Luke’s expression though Alex could see there was more to it under the surface. Reggie wasn’t just worried, he was scared. When Alex joined them in the studio earlier and announced he needed to talk to them in a very serious tone, Reggie instantly deflated and curled in on himself like he did every time someone mentioned his parents or raised their voice even slightly.

Alex felt like an asshole. In fact, Alex felt pathetic. All he needed to get out were three words. Three simple fucking words and it would be all be over. Three words and his friends could stop worrying. Three words and his friends might abandon him.

Either way, it would be over.

He breathed out shakily, ducking his head to avoid the concerned looks. No words came out.

He knew Luke and Reggie would never abandon him. He doubted the two could even moderately dislike him. They were best friends, brothers, family. In fact, a part of Alex thought they already knew, somehow. But there was another part hidden away in the darkest corner of his mind that wouldn’t let him believe any of that and made him doubt. What if?

“N-no... no, sorry,” he finally mumbled, clearing his throat when he realized how hoarse he sounded. “I need to tell you now, it’s just… it’s hard.”

Hesitantly, he lifted his gaze to look at the boys again. They both offered him small, supportive smiles—though Alex could see that Reggie’s was far from genuine—and waited patiently.

For hyperactive teenage boys, they knew how to be patient when the situation called for it. Alex loved that about them. He loved them, he needed them.

What if?

He thought about how long it took him to accept it. Not realize, no, Alex Mercer has always liked boys, there was not a single doubt in his mind. He’s always known. He just hated that part of himself for the majority of his life. Wrong, bad, disgusting—that’s what he’d hear in church every Sunday. That’s what his father would repeat whenever they’d see two guys holding hands on the street, whenever Queen would come on the radio. That’s what he’d hear in school most days. Sometimes directed at him, sometimes not, but Alex heard it every time. He heard every slur, every bad joke, he remembered every shove, every punch, whether they were directed at him or not. He saw, he heard, he felt.

Wrong, bad, disgusting.

Don’t look, don’t touch, don’t feel.

Wrong. Bad. Disgusting.

And then Luke Patterson started appearing in his classes and always sat himself right next to Alex with the dumbest of grins permanently plastered on his face. The same grin he gave the new kid, Reggie Peters, when he walked in on his first day and had no other choice but to sit in the row beside Luke and Alex.

Suddenly, Alex couldn’t hear the slurs and the shoves because the noise was drowned out by Luke laughing at whatever nonsense Reggie just let out of his mouth. It was drowned out by Reggie singing one of his silly country songs and Luke playing the guitar to accompany him as they ate lunch together. Alex could no longer hear the jokes and names because Luke was yelling in his ear about some new band he discovered while Reggie laughed softly in the background.

The world fell away piece by piece and all that was left was their little bubble. Their own little world where Alex could laugh and play his drums and just be. Their own little reality where Alex could grab Luke’s hand and would be rewarded with a hug instead of a punch to his stomach. Where Reggie would cuddle up to his side when he was upset and let Alex run his fingers through his hair until he calmed down. Their own little world filled with music where Alex could look and touch and feel.

What if?

He shook his head no. There was no way. Breathe.

He closed his eyes.

After what felt like an eternity, Alex finally managed to speak up.

“I, uh… I am gay.”

The room was quiet, and Alex did not feel brave enough to open his eyes. He couldn’t.

He couldn’t bear seeing the hatred in his friends’ eyes that was undoubtedly there.

Wrong. Bad. Disgusting.

Memories were flooding his brain. Every bad joke, every shove, every slur, every punch was forcing its way back into his mind from where he tried to repress them, clear images flashing in front of his eyes.

He couldn’t breathe.

His lungs were crying for air, but his throat wouldn’t let any pass through. His chest felt heavy, his hands were shaking, he couldn’t breathe, he—

He was in someone’s arms.

Alex’s eyes shot open with panic and a painful gasp escaped his lips in a desperate attempt to get some oxygen into his lungs. His head was spinning, his body was shaking, his legs felt weak and yet Alex didn’t find himself collapsing on the floor because someone was holding him up. Someone was hugging him. No, not just someone. Luke. Luke was hugging him, and he could feel Reggie taking one of his hands into his own and squeezing it gently.

“Alex, breathe.”

He latched onto that voice like it was a lifeline, forcing his raging mind to stop and focus focus focus and finally drew in a sharp breath.

---

They just stood there for a while. Alex had buried his face in Luke’s neck as he tried to steady his breathing, though he was no longer fighting the tears streaming down his face and soaking Luke’s shirt. Reggie was still holding his hand, squeezing it every so often in reassurance, but it didn’t take long before he also wrapped his free arm around Alex, drawing him close.

“You’re okay, Alex.”

“We love you, dude.”

Alex could scream.

They held him with such tenderness, like he was the most precious thing in the universe, and he felt safe in their arms, he felt loved.

When he finally tried to pull away, Luke tightened his grip around him for just a moment, like he didn’t want to let him go. He gave in eventually and resorted to just holding Alex’s hand like Reggie, whose eyes were red from crying.

They both squeezed his hands at the same time, and Alex couldn’t help but smile at that.

“Thanks, guys,” he hummed, looking up at two of them.

Reggie blushed and smiled at Alex, shrugging as if to say of course. Beside him, Luke broke out into that stupid idiot grin of his and Alex made a note to smack himself any time he felt like doubting these two idiots again.

As if.

---

Chapter 2: Finally Free

Alex comes out to his mother. It doesn't go well. 

(Oh, and if you’re wondering about the band practice note, read this chapter.)

Thank you for reading <3

[obsessivestar]

Steamy Love (A Tom Hiddleston x Reader) Chapter 30:~Time After Time~ FINALE

Summary: The nights alone have become colder and colder, and not just because of the weather.

Warnings: Angst in the beginning.

Read it on my Wattpad: www.wattpad.com/HiddlesStar

Word count: 2596

Tags: @theoneanna @midnightdragonzero @drakesfiance @kcd15 @ihthr @deviantsendbyreallife @bookgirlunicorn @cherrygeek86 @peachlobotomy666

A/N: This is it. The final chapter. Thank you so much for everyone that has liked, reblogged, or simply read any and every chapter of this fic. It's the first fanfiction I've completed in almost 5 years, but it's the first I've ever made public on Tumblr. It may be a while until I get back into writing completely, as I've decided to ship some of my creative focus towards drawing. I'm not very good at it, but I aspire to improve. Will I show my work at all? Maybe, if there's really a demand for it (though I doubt it lmao). I may post some Oneshots here or there. We'll see.

Until then, thank you for reading.

After you'd return home, Tom would start calling you at least twice a day for the next couple weeks. You didn't have the heart to block his number, but you certainly weren't going to pick up and talk to him. You couldn't believe what had happened at that event. You couldn't believe you allowed it to happen. You were always against public sex, but you couldn't help yourself around him. It's like he had you under a spell that forced you to need him. To desire him.

That's why you needed to stay far away from him. It doesn't matter that he loves you. He hurt you, in ways you can't even explain. In ways you don't want to explain. You just wanted to forget that night. Forget your feelings.

Forget him.

Though even after a month of locking yourself into your work, you still received his calls. You kept hearing about the play he was in and how great he was doing, even though the public had finally found out that you were no longer together. You couldn't help but check up on him and his play. While it hurt to hear his name, you were proud of him. You were proud of all he had already accomplished. You wish you could just talk to him and hear him boast about it. You were so excited to talk to him more about it before the big fight. It ate away at your heart that you couldn't hear him ramble about it. Hear the excited tone in his voice. You didn't want to stay mad at him, especially after the last thing he said to you...

Did he mean it? Did he...love you? Really love you? In truth, you were tired of being angry. You just wanted a chance to talk, but everytime he'd call you, you'd freeze up. You wouldn't, or couldn't answer.

That night, you really couldn't get to sleep, and you couldn't put on a happy smile for a stream. All you could really do is lay in bed with your phone beside you, quietly thinking to yourself.

You heard your phone begin to ring, looking at the Caller ID. You recognized the number. It was Tom.

You felt your heart flutter a little. You've been thinking about him all day, and you had wondered if these calls were ever going to stop. Did you even want them to stop?

Before the ringing would stop, you picked up the phone and answered it, holding it up to your ear. You heard nothing. Not even breathing.

"...Hello?..." You whispered, already feeling your emotions flare up. "...Tom?.."

"...You picked up.." You heard him speak, his tone sounding a little shaky. Had he been crying?

"Y-Yeah, I know..." You smirked slightly, sitting up some. "I-I guess I had to, eventually.."

"You...haven't picked up at all...f-for weeks.." Tom whispered. "I-I've just...been calling to hear your voicemail."

That hit you rather harder than you expected it to, already feeling tears well up in your eyes. You didn't want to get emotional again, but it was hard not to. He sounded sad.

"H...How's the play been?.." You asked, giving a shaky smile.

"Good.." You heard a half laugh from Tom. "I-It's been...fun. I...wish you could see it."

You frowned a little, closing your eyes to let some tears slowly fall down your cheeks.

"...Me too.." You admitted, giving a shaky breath. "I...I'm...tired of being angry. I want to talk.."

Tom let out another sigh, taking a minute to find the right words before speaking up again.

"...I was wrong to get angry at you.." Tom spoke, his voice a little shaky again. "I shouldn't of said the things I said, and I should've let you speak for yourself instead of barging out of that house and leaving you with all that paperwork. I regret it. I regret it all. I regret everything I did to you to make you upset, (Y/N).."

You frowned deeply, the hand holding the phone becoming a little shaky. You believed him, but part of you still hurt. He really did break your heart.

You sniffled somewhat, knowing he heard it. "D-Did you mean it?.." You finally managed to ask, your body shivering a little.

"I didn't mean to make you upset.." Tom spoke, though he was a little confused with what you meant.

"I-I mean...at the show.." You let out a shaky breath. "W-When you said you loved me...did you mean it? Or--Or was is just from the heat of the moment?.."

"...I meant it." Tom admitted, giving a slight sad chuckle. "I absolutely mean it. I love you.."

You couldn't help but smile, your heart fluttering up again. You placed a hand on your chest, feeling your heartbeat increase.

"...I love you too, Tom.." You spoke, holding back a slight sob.

You heard Tom give a shaky chuckle. You could practically see his big smile in your head. You missed that smile dearly. You wished you could see it again.

"S-So.." Tom calmed himself, clearing his throat a bit. "Wh-What now? Will you take me back?"

You smiled a little. "D-Do you think this would work? A long distance sort of thing?.." You asked.

"If I could fly you down here to be with me, I would.." Tom admitted. "But this play has me incredibly busy. I hardly have time to walk Bobby in the morning.."

"And I barely have the assets and time to actually start a moving process.." You frowned slightly. "Moving to another country, as much as I want it, would be ridiculously hard on my own."

You and Tom both went quiet for a moment, both of you really thinking about this. Neither of you had the time to help you get to him, but neither of you wanted to be apart for months. Who knows what else may come up during Tom's play? He could end up being gone until Christmas or something. You wanted to see him.

"I'm sure I'll think of something.." Tom finally spoke, smiling a little. "I promise. I'll find a way to you.."

"Don't start throwing money around to get to me.." You chuckled a bit, making him laugh as well. "As much as I miss you, I can wait for as long as you need me to."

"I'm not sure I can.." Tom admitted, letting out a slight sigh. "I'd love to catch

up with you on everything, but it's nearly 3 in the morning and I need to get some sleep.." Ah, you had forgotten about the Timezone differences. He's all the way up in London now, after all.

"I promised to call you before the play. I promise.."

"Okay.." You smiled warmly. "I-I love you, Tom.."

"And I love you, (Y/N). Truly.." He spoke in a warm tone. It made your chest feel all warm.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight.."

He hung up first after that.

You set your phone down, feeling your heartbeat once more as a few more tears slipped down your cheeks. You forgave him and admitted that you loved him, but would you really be okay having to wait months and months to see him again? You just wanted to be in his arms again and feel his lips on yours. You were scared of how long you'd potentially have to wait.

Despite that, you were able to get some nice rest. You dreamed of the day you'd get to lay in his arms.

And it would come sooner than you thought.

Another month went by, and you had gotten yourself on to a talk show to talk about your rising fame and upcoming movie. You had never been on one before, so you made sure to doll yourself up a little bit and wear a nice dress. It would be weird going up there on your own, but you had heard and seen from other interviews that the talk show host man was really nice. After fixing yourself up in the mirror, you saw the show start. The talk show host introduced you to the audience before calling you on stage. You smiled brightly as you climbed the stairs and went on stage, seeing all of the people from the audience begin to cheer. All of those people made a permanent bright smile appear on your face. You waved at everyone with a soft chuckle before sitting down on the soft sofa, shaking the show hosts hand as everyone quieted down.

"So nice to have someone new for a change!" The host spoke with a chuckle.

"It feels amazing to be here.." You admitted with a bright smile, crossing your legs.

"So, you've got your first movie coming out, eh? Got yourself quite the co-star, I hear.." They began, leaning forward a bit on their desk. "How was that?"

You chuckled again. People had learned that you and Tom were back together, so you've never stopped hearing about him.

"Yeah. We actually had to live together by that little outdoor set.." You admitted. "I messed up with renting one of the houses, so he let me stay with him."

"And that's how you fell in love, yeah?" The host grinned, being interrupted by the audience clapping for a moment before they'd quiet down. That was so surreal to see.

"I always hear about flings happening between costars on set.." You admitted. "But...my time with him was much more than that. He's treated me better than most, that's for sure."

"You haven't seen him since the beginning of the year, yes?" The host asked. "Has that been hard for you?"

You smiled sadly, placing a hand on your chest some. "It's not impossible, but it's been hard. I'm not upset about it, though. We've both become incredibly busy rather quickly. He's got his play, which I hear is amazing, and I've been streaming practically 7 times a week now that I've had the time again."

"Well, it's good to know you're staying optimistic." The host replied.

"Yeah.." you nodded a bit. "It's been...a little harder these last couple days, though. We call each other multiple days a week."

"Do you have a song you like to listen to?" The host asked, smirking some. "One that reminds you of him?"

You took a moment to really think about that. The question brought you back to the time you and Tom went to the grocery store and Time After Time came on the radio in the car, and when he kissed you in front of everyone in that clothing shop, the same song played. You had downloaded the song on to your phone after that day. You didn't realize how important it was to you until now. Tom even had it on his phone, last time you checked.

"Cyndi Lauper's 'Time After Time', maybe?.." You admitted with a shy chuckle. "It's played a couple times during my days with Tom. I downloaded it after people found out we were together because it was playing in that clothing store when he kissed me."

"Awe, that's sounds perfect.." The host smiled brightly, one of his hands moving under the desk. "You think Tom would give the same answer?" They asked.

"I mean, he's into the older styles of music.." You chuckled, a little confused. "I could call him and ask him later.."

You were too focused on the show host to hear footsteps come upstairs on to the stage, though the surprise was ruined by the sudden erupting screams and applause from the audience.

You turned around just in time for the host to start playing that song over the little speaks around set as you and the man locked eyes.

It was Tom.

You couldn't believe it.

Your eyes immedietly watered as you got up from your seat and ran to Tom, seeing him open out his arms to you. You ran right into his arms, wrapping your arms around his body. You almost didn't believe that this was real. It felt like a dream. How was he here? How did he make time for this?

You pulled back and cupped his face with both hands, already nearly sobbing just from the sight of him.

"Are you actually here!?" You asked with a happy whimper. It warmed your heart to see his big smile. He was emotional, too.

"I managed to find some extra time to get a flight down.." Tom chuckled, though he wasn't able to explain himself fully just yet. Hearing his voice so close to you made you want to just break into happy tears right then and there, so you pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. You heard the audience go nuts, making you smile in the kiss. Tom pulled you closer to him, keeping the kiss locked until he remembered you were supposed to be doing an interview. He pulled back and gestured to the seats, holding your hand as you both sat down.

You could barely keep your eyes off of Tom for the whole rest of the interview. Afterwards, you'd say goodbye to everyone and leave the building together. You spoke outside once you reached his car.

"I've got another surprise for you.." Tom admitted, giving you a warm smile as he let go of your hand. He moved into his car for a moment and pulled out something before going back to you. He revealed 2 one-way tickets. Tickets to the UK.

"Would you still like to move in with me, my love?.." He asked you, looking into your eyes with his big, blue orbs.

Your eyes widened some and your heart skipped a beat. You placed your hand over your mouth before giving a shaky chuckle. "A-Are you serious?..." You asked, seeing him nod.

"With one phone call to a familiar moving company and a day or two, you can be living with me.." Tom spoke. "All I need is a Y--"

"Yes! Hell yes!" You chuckled happily before wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him into another close hug. Tom flinched before chuckling, hugging you back for a moment before pulling back to give you another deep kiss, inhaling some to take in how soft your lips were. The joy you felt in your heart couldn't be properly described.

You pulled back from the kiss to wipe all the tears that had run down your cheeks, including some of the makeup makeup had on. "I'm gonna end up crying all day.." you joked with a chuckle.

Tom chuckled as well, smirking some. "I could give you other reasons to have tears in your eyes.."

Oh god, you had a feeling he hadn't gotten over this flirtatious phase he's had with you.

Then again...

You chuckled some. "It's been a couple months hasn't it?" You asked, biting yhe corner of your lower lip.

"Mhmm.." Tom purred somewhat "and I've learned some things.."

"Have you, now?.." You tilted your head some, getting a nod from Tom.

"Indeed I have.." Tom grinned. "And there's a certain...doctor who has been dying to meet you."

You knew who he was talking about. You recently rewatched High-Rise.

"Ooh, I guess I shouldn't keep him waiting, then.." You purred back with a little wink, moving around him to get into the passenger side.

Tom snickered some, getting into the drivers side.

You bet there would be quite a bit of steamy love after packing.