#was 16 and took a friend i'm not in touch with anymore

[pennyold]

Sleepover | p.w

Summary: you just needed to be warm and rest some after wearing your high heels all night, right?

Warnings: old!phil, dirty talk, mentions of big dick phil, cursing, dry humping, flirting, slight nipple play over clothes and mentions of sex.

a/n: wanted to share this cuz I have a big crush on Bradly Cooper since I watched Hangover. Enjoy like I did writing it !!

w.c: 914

main masterlist ↲

peace and love, penny ★

My legs were trembling; they were completely bare, and only my small dress covered a tiny percentage of my body. I was walking home, exhausted from the walk I had taken 16 minutes ago. The sound of my heels hitting the ground was the only thing my ears could hear until my ears heard someone call my name. I looked towards the next street, and the last person I expected to see was sitting on the porch of his house; it was my dad's friend, Phil Wenneck, smoking a cigarette.

"Hey." I approached him, trying to walk straight, but I could no longer bear the sharp pain of my feet against the sole of the heel. He looked me up and down, frowning.

"You okay?" he said while exhaling the smoke. "Y-yes." I lied, I just want to go home, but I can't, not now. "Are you sure, darling?" he takes a drag from his cigarette. I nod, looking away. "Are your parents home?" he looked at me, piercing through my eyes. "Yes," there was a moment of silence until Phil spoke. "What are you doing out so late?"

A small smile appears on his lips. "I wanted to go out with friends, but I'm grounded... and the only way for my parents not to know I'm out is by coming home late," I explained. "Could I know why you're grounded?" I barely nodded, "I was... with a boy in my room... thinking my parents wouldn't be home so early."

"Oh... how bad, darling." I know his words didn't come from him, I could tell. "I should go..." I said, embarrassed. My feet were going numb, and I couldn't take it anymore. "Stay," he said with a slight smile on his lips, "I don't know." At that moment, my phone vibrated with a message from my sister.

´Mom and Dad are still awake. I told them you're sick in your room, don't take too long.'

"You need to rest, little one. Come in, it's very cold out here," he says, walking towards the door of his house. After crossing the threshold of his home, I took off my heels and carried them with me as I followed him. "Would you like a blanket?" he said as he turned around, looking at me. I nodded and then pulled the hem of my dress down. I walked through his kitchen, waiting for his next move. I hadn't been here in years. Looking at my lock screen, I saw it was 2:40 am I locked it, and when I looked up, he was handing me a blanket. "To keep you warm, dear." I thank him and follow him. "We can stay in the living room while you wait." "Sure," I said kindly as I sat on the couch, and he positioned himself next to me, not too close. "Is Eli upstairs?" he shook his head. "He's with her mother."

I remembered that I used to take care of Eli when Phil was at work and his mother... was not there.

Trying to hide my evident shivering despite being wrapped in the blanket, I looked away, biting my lip. "Why are you trembling? Are you sure you're okay?" He tried to get my attention, but I was too embarrassed to look at him. He took my jaw to face me, gently squeezing my cheeks, and I unconsciously moaned. "You're so rosy," he frowned, pulling my head closer to him. "Phil..." I whispered, "What's wrong, honey?" That was the last straw; my panties were soaked, and my ragged breathing was evidence of the desire that covered my body, my nipples peeking through my dress. He noticed it and looked at my breasts. "Oh, sweetheart," he touched them dangerously, and I melted into his arms, letting him play with my breasts. "Will you let me touch you more?" I nod, biting my lip. With a quick movement, I was rubbing against Phil's thigh, dry-humping; I was like a bitch in heat, a moaning mess, as he was taking my hips, controlling my movements.

"Please..." I begged "I know, darling, do you want to cum?" he teased, moving me faster. I was a mess, my pussy tightened and throbbed against his thigh. I feel him moving his hips up. "Fuck, baby," he said, trying to get more friction between us. "I'm gonna come, shit..." I said ecstatically. "Do it," he whispered in my ear. With those words, I came, my pussy throbbed and tightened around nothing. "Oh God..." I whispered, and his hands stopped my movements without removing his hands from my hips. "Do you think we're done?"

I turned my head to look at him. "It would be better if you stayed. I can tell your parents you spent the night with me." I looked at him unconvinced. "You don't need to worry, trust me." Then he lifted me up and tore my panties, leaving them on the floor. And in a quicker motion, he unbuttoned his pants, pulling out his cock, then I looked at him surprised, Phil is huge. "That's so big," I said, looking up at him. "With this cock, I'll ruin that little pussy of yours," he whispered, sitting me on his lap just a few inches from his bulge. "Don't worry, baby, I'll make it fit so well," along with his words and my center soaking his pants, I knew I wouldn't be able to recover from the legs.

divider: @/enchanthings-a

[hyperfixatedoncrimminalminds]

Could you do the (16/17 year old) step daughter of spencer who calls him really late one night to pick her up from a party because she's (very) drunk and she knows he's up bc of his insomnia. And she clearly sees him as her father bc her dad left before she was even born.

Spencer Reid X Stepdaughter Fem Reader

THANK YOU FOR 400 FOLLOWERS!

Request: Could you do the (16/17 year old) step daughter of spencer who calls him really late one night to pick her up from a party because she's (very) drunk and she knows he's up bc of his insomnia. And she clearly sees him as her father bc her dad left before she was even born.

Third person pov...

Y/N was out at a friends house for a party, she was having fun, dancing and drinking all night long. She hadn't gone to a party in ages.

As the clock struck 1 am, Spencer was lying in bed, eyes wide open. Insomnia had been a constant companion for him, It was especially difficult on nights like this, when his stepdaughter Y/N was out at a party.

Y/N was a bright, independent teenager. But Spencer couldn't help but worry about her, especially since her biological father had left them before the H/C girl was even born. Spencer had taken on the role of a father to Y/N and they had formed a strong bond over the years.

Just as Spencer was about to drift off to sleep, his phone rang, jolting him awake, he immediately sat up, concern flooding through him, groggily he answered the call, expecting it to be Y/N checking in before heading home.

"Hey Y/N, everything okay?" Spencer answered with a touch of worry in his voice.

"Hi, uhm, can you come and pick me up from this party? I'm really drunk and I don't want to stay here anymore" The teenagers words were slurred and her voice was shaky.

"Of course, Y/N, I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Just stay put and I'll come get you" Spencer replied, already getting dressed and grabbing his car keys.

"Thanks, Spencer" Y/N said

She then gave him the address of the party and hung up. Spencer quickly got dressed and left his house in a hurry.

As he drove towards the address, he couldn't help but worry about Y/N, He had always been there for her, but he knew that her teenage years would be difficult but he would be there for her.

When he arrived at the party, Spencer could hear the music blaring from the house. He parked his car and walked towards the front door, bracing himself for what he would find inside.

As he neared the house he saw her sat outside. Y/N was sitting on the porch steps, her head hanging low, her H/C hair hanging infront of her face.

He could see the tears streaming down her face, and his heart broke. He got out of the car and walked towards her, sitting down next to her.

"Hey, are you okay?" Spencer asked, gently placing a hand on her back.

Y/N wiped her tears and nodded. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you. I just wanted to go home"

Spencer hugged her tightly, rubbing her back as she cried. "It's okay, Y/N I'm here for you"

"I-I'm sorry" the teenager hiccuped, trying to stand up but failing miserably.

Spencer gently helped her up and led her to the car, Once she was buckled in, he drove her home in silence, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

They drove in silence for a few minutes before Y/N spoke, fidgeting with her painted nails "I'm sorry, Spencer" she said, her voice shaky with emotion.

"I know I shouldn't have called you. I just...I needed somebody and i couldnt call my mum" Spencer reached over and took her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"It's okay, N/N. I'm here for you. Always." They drove the rest of the way in comfortable silence. When they arrived home, Y/N stumbled out of the car, her legs unsteady from the alcohol.

Spencer helped her inside, and she collapsed onto the couch, shivering from the cold.

Spencer pulled a throw blanket over her, and she immediately snuggled into it, her body still shaking. He sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms, holding her close.

They sat like that for a while, Y/Ns head resting against Spencer's chest. She was still shivering, and he could feel the guilt and regret radiating from her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice breaking. "I shouldn't have done this. I know you must be disappointed in me."

Spencer gently lifted her chin so that he could look into her eyes. "I could never be disappointed in you, Y/N You're not perfect, and I don't expect you to be. But I do expect you to be safe. And to always come to me when you need help."

Tears filled the H/C teen eyes, and she buried her face in Spencer's chest. "Thank you" she mumbled.

"I love you, Spencer. You're the only dad I've ever known"

Spencer's heart swelled with emotion, and he held her tighter, tears prickling at the corners of his own eyes.

He had never thought of himself as a father figure, but in that moment, he knew he would do anything for the girl in his arms.

They stayed there, cuddled up on the couch, until the sun began to rise. Y/n had eventually fallen asleep, her breathing slow and steady.

Spencer smiled, grateful for the opportunity to be there for her in her time of need.

She may not be his biological daughter, but in that moment, none of that mattered. They were family, and that was all that truly mattered.

He shifted himself so he could put a pillow under her head, he then unbuckled her shoes and put them down by the couch.

Standing up he looked down at her. "How am I going to do this" he muttered to himself, the tall man then leant down he wrapped an arm around her shoudlers and put his other one jnder her legs so he could lift her up.

Once she was in his arms she automatically curled up in his arms again, a content sigh escaped her lips. Smiling Spencer begins walking to his bedroom.

He wasn't going to let her sleep on the sofa, when he opened the door he he set the teenager down on the bed and lent her body against his so he could pull back the covered for her.

He then tucked her in, brushing her hair away from her face, he then kissed her temple. "Good night Y/N" he whsipers before closing the door.

The end!

Hope you liked this oneshot, so sorry for the wait for this request! Sorry for any grammar and Spelling mistakes.

Requests are open!

Word count : 1120

[lunarriviera]

HI HI HEY HELLO yes it is time once again for me to screech like a deranged banshee about the preview stills for episodes 16 and 17 of justice in the dark, are you ready are you ready LET'S FUCKING GO

p sure at this point guangyuan official is out to get me, personally, and see to it that i do not survive to see this drama end, it being increasingly likely that i will simply perish. because DOES THIS or DOES THIS NOT look suspiciously like luo wenzhou is holding fei du's left hand? but that's ridiculous of course he isn't, we can't have things like that, i will therefore choose to ignore this. i'm sure he's just gazing at him soulfully while thinking how best to solve All The Crimes™. in no way whatsoever does he look like he's been doing this for days.

(while i do love the hilarity of lwz in fei du's hospital room in the novel, in which he's just being annoying, watching basketball games and cooking shows and eating everyone's fruit baskets while chastizing fei du for stepping in front of a bomb—as fei du is trapped there, immobilized and speechless and really starting to wonder what lwz's skin feels like but unable to do a goddamn thing about it—as much as i love those chapters, this looks horribly romantic and i like it too)

ahahahahahah [maniacal laughter] IT'S GETTING WORSE, so here's fei du feeding luo yiguo (or frying pan as his close friends call him) and TOUCHING HIM, for the first time in YEARS, bc he had to surrender him to tao ran, bc of [redacted] and [redacted] and now here he is finally, he's, he's trying to, he's—[breaks down completely]

BUT WAIT THAT'S NOT ALL THERE'S MORE

oh look, it's fei du fresh out of the shower. that would be luo wenzhou's shower. that he's just been in. showering. without clothes. possibly using luo wenzhou's 19-in-1 shampoo conditioner aftershave or whatever. obviously i'm completely fine about this of course, no thoughts in head whatsoever about how now they're just standing here. in the bedroom. looking at each other. maybe they're talking, presumably there must be dialogue of some kind, about crimes or post-operative care or what would fei du like for dinner or how do you feel about slow tender blowjobs i honestly have no idea anymore.

because look i'm just a stupid lesbian, i see zhang xincheng with wet hair in a bathrobe looking fragile and undefended, and fu xinbo looking back at him with the most vulnerable expression he's had in sixteen fucking episodes and i chew drywall, okay. i chew glass. i run out of things to chew and go outside to find some fucking ROCKS.

there's also a trailer but i'ma level with y'all: i could not watch it. i just could not. i saw 1.5 seconds of the door to luo wenzhou's apartment opening, and fei du walking inside—he thinks he'll be staying with a friend for a couple of days, having no idea he's just moved into the home where he'll live for the rest of his life. so i, being very mature and rational about this development, threw my hands up in front of my face and whimpered aloud, and managed to hit pause before i projectile-bled onto my laptop screen. you can go watch it alone, i am not god's strongest soldier and these stills already took me out.

but finally! GUESS WHAT! STARTING WITH EP 16, FU XINBO WILL BE SINGING THE CLOSING OST. i love the way the producers have divided this drama into BC (before cp) and AD (after dicking). how fei du's/zhang xincheng's song was all about thinking he's evil and desperately needing someone to pull him out of the darkness, whereas fu xinbo's/lwz's is called 「微光」 and i fully intend to cry.

thank you for your time i will see you on the other side of Macbeth—

[softtdaisy]

injury prompt 16 and 22 for reid perhaps... :D Love your writing btw <3

make my heart beat again / spencer reid

summary. spencer was sad. spencer was miserable. he thought he could handle it until he couldn't anymore. he thought he could deal with it alone until he couldn't.

words count. 2 249

prompt. “Why won’t you let me help you?” “…because I don’t deserve it.” / “You deserve to be helped, I—who told you this?” from here

what to expect. very angsty, spencer is so sad i want to hug him, i chose the mentally injured more than physically, mention of murder very quickly

a/n. ok first thank you so much for requesting it sweetie!! and i'm sorry, i wish i posted it sooner but i started it again to make it shorter and...it's not shorter, but it's here and i hope you will love it (and now i can work on your other request) 🫶

criminal minds masterlist | F1 masterlist | general masterlist | request

You weren’t quite sure how everything started again with Spencer.

One day he was a memory of the past, one of your biggest regrets. The next time he was back in your place, like he always belonged there.

You went on a couple of dates a few years ago, and it would be a lie to say your heart didn’t fall for that boy. Sweet, gentle, the nicest man you’ve ever met. And so beautiful with his always so messy hair, his gorgeous brown eyes that always seemed to look at you like you were one of the seven wonders of the world, and that perfectly shaped mouth that you loved to kiss.

You were sure things could have worked out with Spencer if a) his work didn’t take him that much time—and more. b) You didn’t have other issues in your life you had to deal with before thinking about love.

So you ended your relationship, or whatever it was at that time, before it could be more serious. And you spent way too many nights missing Spencer Reid. 

The way he would start every date with a fact that could either last a minute or ten and how you could notice the change in his eyes when he noticed you were truly interested in what he was saying. How he was blushing at any physical contact you were initiating, even in bed after he made love to you. Or even how you never said you loved each other, yet the way his lips would stay longer on your shoulder when you were falling asleep was speaking for your feelings.

You never thought Spencer would miss you just as much.

But he spent months contemplating the idea of seeing you again and trying to convince you this could be good. That he could be good for you. But months turned into a year. And when he celebrated his whole single year on the other side of the country, Spencer read into it that maybe he had glorified love. In all its aspects.

And this conclusion haunted him for years.

To the point Spencer stopped meeting new people and was barely trying to stay in touch with those in his life. He wasn’t seeing his mom much; his colleagues noticed the distance he was building between them, and Spencer couldn’t remember the last time he saw his “friends.”

Because at some point, the fear of losing people turned into a feeling of not being good enough to people’s lives and made him a loner. A sad loner.

That was something you immediately noticed the first time you saw Spencer in years.

Your life has barely changed from your last date. Still the same job, but at a higher place. Still the same apartment, but with a different setting. Still the same person, but more mature.

It wasn’t hard for Spencer to find you. And if he spent a whole year contemplating going back to your place before putting that thought away, the day he truly needed it, it took him a minute to decide it was time.

You didn’t question his presence here when you opened the door. Maybe he should have. But when Spencer grabbed your face after you simply said his name with confusion, nothing seemed to matter. 

Not his hair longer than before, not him looking more shaped yet more fragile, not the circle under his eyes being way darker than the last time you saw him. Not that he was eagerly kissing you, something he never did.

You remember Spencer being gentle, taking his time to appreciate every second with you.

No, he was hungry, like each second could be the last with you. For him.

“What are you doing here, Spence?” you finally asked him. You were both lying on the rug in your living room. His eyes were locked on the roof, like he was disconnecting from reality. His arm around your back, holding you against him, was brushing your skin slowly, but he seemed to do that mindlessly. 

And Spencer didn’t turn his head to look at you when you, you couldn’t stop looking at him. “I needed that.” Not you. You put away the pain hearing that and tried to see the good in this, that you were the one he went to. 

But still, something was different with Spencer.

It would take you a few nights to realize he wasn’t blushing anymore when you touched him. Or that he didn’t seem to have a lot to talk about.

Actually, Spencer wasn’t talking much anymore. 

For weeks, Spencer would come to your place at night. Either after a day at the office or when he came back from a case. Usually, when it was the latter, he would even stay the following day to fully decompress from what happened.

You tried to question him once or twice. But Spencer always had the same answer: going down on you to keep you quiet with your question.

It was a win-win situation. 

He was giving you pleasure and making you think about something else.

He was concentrating on something else, and your moans were filling his head with other thoughts.

Until one night, the sex wasn’t enough to put his problem away.

You didn’t expect Spencer to come. Two days ago, he told you he had to leave for a case and it would probably last a week. Nothing out of the ordinary. But it gave you the time to think about him and where this was going.

Yet, your bell rang at 10 p.m. Let’s say that dating an FBI agent taught you to not open your door to anybody. You almost played dead and ignored it. But your gut told you to look at who it might be. 

You didn’t expect to see Spencer through your spyhole.

You certainly didn’t expect to see him cry on the other side of your door.

“Spencer, what’s going on?” you said, opening your door and immediately bringing him inside. The saddest part was that he let you do it. He didn’t stop you when you took him in your arms. Neither when you brought him to the sofa and sat him on it while you kneeled in front of him.

He was shaking; his face looked red from the tears and the scratching he did with his fingers, trying to take the pain away. But it didn’t work. And hurt him even more.

You grabbed one of his hands to take it away from his face. You tried to ease his joints with a soft caress. You even tried to make eye contact, but it was a lost cause with the way he was closing his eyes hardly, probably hurting himself like that. “Talk to me, Spence,” you whispered, putting your chin on his knee. “Open to me.”

You hated how he pinched his lips together before talking, like he was trying so hard to not break down. “I can’t,” he sobbed. He repeated that multiple times, sounding more angry with himself each time.

But the fact he wasn’t letting go of your hand made you believe that maybe a part of him, maybe just a very little one, wanted to have you. He still came to you tonight, right?

“Why won’t you let me help you?” 

This was a genuine question. One that grew over the last weeks. Sometimes, you would wake up in the middle of the night wondering which signs you might have missed when he was here. What did he try to hide from you with kisses and attention that you weren’t asking for? And if maybe you weren’t an accomplice of his troubles by accepting all his treats, knowing it was an excuse to keep everything from himself.

And during these moments, you imagined what Spencer might have answered. That he didn’t want his burden to impact your relationship, that he didn’t want to talk to you specifically. 

But you never considered what was coming as an answer.

“…because I don’t deserve it.” 

The world went silent. 

Except for your heart that just fell on the floor and broke into a million pieces.

Except for Spencer’s sorrow being louder than ever in your small living room.

It was obvious that Spencer wasn’t doing ok. But you couldn’t imagine how broken he really was.

You couldn’t force him to look at you and make him see he wasn’t alone at all. So you put your forehead against his, his sweaty hair sticking against your skin. Your arms wrapped against Spencer so you could hold him against him. You couldn’t believe that this grown-up man, in his thirty, could be a broken kid inside. You tried to hold back the tears.

You stayed like that for minutes; you don’t even know how long. This could last an hour or two if he needed to. You probably could have stayed all night if it meant calming Spencer down.

Little by little, you felt his shaking stop and even one of his hands land on your arm. The pressure of his fingers on your skin wasn’t harder, almost like he didn’t have any strength anymore. It was more like a delicate touch. One that reminded you of the old days, when Spencer was too shy to touch you.

Once you felt he was ready to hear this, maybe not listen yet but at least be able to understand what you were saying, you stopped hugging him so you could grab his face in your hands. “You deserve to be helped. I—who told you this?”

You met the saddest eyes you’ve ever seen at this moment. Couple with his sad smile. Oh, how you wished you could just kiss the pain away for once.

“I just…” he started, with a grazed, hoarse voice. “Every person in my life ends up sad or hurt or dead. I’m a problem. I’m a burden. I don’t deserve someone to take the time to help me, be there for me. I can’t risk someone, you, taking the time to make me feel better if it means losing you at some point. I can’t, I can’t do that again.” You heard the sob in his voice at the end. 

You opened your mouth to speak, but Spencer gave you the look, one he strangely never gave to you but that you understood immediately, meaning that he still had a lot to say. And deep down, you were happy to shut it if it meant he was finally opening up.

“I was taking care of a kid these days. We knew he might be in danger, so I was supposed to make sure he would be fine while working the case.” Spencer took a moment to continue, but you could only focus on the tear running down his cheek. “He got killed. Because I couldn’t protect him. Everyone around me has something bad happening to them. Even in my job. How can I be such a bad person?” 

You started brushing away the tears with your thumb, but Spencer cuddled against your hand. There was something even sadder with this man feeling like he didn’t deserve to have someone yet still craving every attention he could get.

“You’re not a burden, Spencer,” you whispered, and he closed his eyes again. “I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to go through all these moments by yourself. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be from living such difficult times over and over again. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to have someone by your side.”

He didn’t answer. You weren’t sure this was the best decision, but you sat on his knees, trying to be closer to him so you could make him feel less alone. 

You thought that if he didn’t want that, he would push you away. But the way Spencer's hands ended up on your back so quickly made you think that maybe he needed that too.

“I can’t and won’t force myself into your life, Spencer, never,” you said, brushing his hair away from his face. “But if you’re ready to try, I can be by your side and help you consider that you deserve to be a supporter. Not only by me but by all the people that love you.”

Again, your words working on him, Spencer opened his eyes slowly. This time, even if the sorrow was still present, there was the smallest and almost slightest light in them. “Because people love you, Spencer Reid.”

As an answer, the only one he could give you, Spencer brought you against him and hugged you as hard as he could. It wasn’t the tightest hug he ever gave, but it was the best he could do. And it was enough. Enough to know that you opened a door in his mind. 

You offered your bed to Spencer that night, but he insisted on you staying by your side. He refused to let you know it was due to the fear of the nightmares he had for months now. Nightmares that always had different stories but ended the same way: with him losing someone and being alone.

All he needed was you, and you were willing to give yourself entirely to help him get better.

You didn’t know if you imagined it, but you were sure that when he was falling asleep, holding you against him like an antistress comforter, Spencer thanked you.

[gojoonsaturn]

You opened your eyes to the bright morning light and saw a man's back lying in front of you. You rubbed your eyes and got out of bed, taking a deep breath. As you tried to move away, the man grabbed your arm to stop you.

"Where are you going?" Jo's voice echoed in your mind, and you instinctively hugged yourself and started rubbing your skin, as if wiping away something dirty. Jo approached you and kissed your shoulder, moving to your neck and collarbone. Your skin tingled from his touch and warm breath. You felt Jo's smile through the kiss, which made you feel even more uncomfortable.

Eventually, you broke free from his embrace and walked away from the bed, bending down to grab a T-shirt that was lying on the nightstand. Tears began to well up in your eyes, but you angrily wiped them away and headed to the bathroom.

After half an hour, you used a soft towel to wipe away the wet skin that was red from your nails. Again, after spending the night with Jo, you felt disgusted, but you still couldn't resist returning to him, especially after frequent quarrels with Choji. Tomiyama hurted you, Togame comforted you, and you gave in to Jo. At that moment, you didn't care about anything else, his touches made you forget about the pain caused by Choji and made you feel desired and loved.

Jo never told you how he felt about you. You didn't understand why he wanted to be around you suddenly when you needed his support the most. You had known each other for a long time, and it was him who introduced you to Choji, probably without realizing that you might start dating.

At first, your relationship with Tomiyama seemed great. You missed the cheerful way he looked at you. Your parents had abandoned you at the age of 7, and by the age of 16 you were not interested in life anymore. Every day was the same and Jo introduced you to Choji. Everything happened so quickly: a few meetings and now both of you couldn't imagine life without each other.

When Choji became the leader of Shishitoren, things changed drastically. Every day, you watched Choji lose interest in not only you but also his friends from the gang. You tried talking to him, but those conversations led to constant arguments, after which you ended up at Togame's place.

"Jo, why don't you try talking to him? Every time I ask him about his state, it seems to make him angry. I don't understand what happened to him at all." You took a sip of the soda Togame had thoughtfully offered you, knowing you love it.

"You know, he has also moved away from me..." Jo sat down next to you on the couch.

You took a deep breath and rested your head on his shoulder. It was the evening after your first big fight with Tomiyama.

"I'm sorry..." Togame said in a barely audible voice.

"What?"

"If it wasn't for me to introduce you..."

"Don't talk nonsense. Choji has been the best thing that ever happened to me..."

Jo chuckled and leaned his head back against the sofa.

A few days later, there was a ring on Togame's door. He quickly put on his jacket and walked to the door, feeling a little annoyed. When he opened the door, he saw you standing there, crying. Your clothes were soaking wet.

You entered the apartment and Togame offered you his jacket to keep you warm. He also offered to make some tea, so you could warm up. After you had a shower and changed into some of his clothes, you sat down to talk.

Togame noticed that your eyes were still red and puffy from crying. He asked if you wanted to stay at his place for the night. You hesitated for a moment, but then nodded, feeling grateful for his offer.

"Thank you…" you said, "I'm sorry for bothering you."

Togame smiled and said, "Don't worry about it. I'm happy to help."

Jo got up from the table and went into his bedroom, where he took out an extra pillow and a blanket. He put the laundry on the couch and flopped down on it, looking tired. You smiled sadly as you went to his room. Before you met Choji, you often stayed at Jo's house.

You tossed and turned in bed for a long time, unable to sleep due to the argument with Tomiyama, whose harsh words echoed in your mind. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and you turned to see Togame standing there.

"Can't sleep?" he asked, sounding worried.

You turned on the lamp and saw his concerned face. He gestured to the spot next to you and you nodded, moving away from the edge of the bed so Jo could lie down.

You stared at the ceiling in silence, both of you seeming afraid to say anything. It was hard to tell where the tension came from. You turned to Jo. He continued to stare at the ceiling without looking at you. The soft light from the desk lamp illuminated his gentle features.

"You've changed, too, Jo." You said with confidence.

He finally looked at you with an emotion you couldn't quite read.

You moved closer and rested your head on his shoulder. "Yeah. Only you're still kind to me."

Jo paused, holding his breath. "Because... I'm your friend." He said, exhaling and smiling as he pulled you closer and stroked your shoulder with his thumb.

The next day, Choji called you. His voice sounded cheerful, as if nothing had happened between you two the day before.

"Hey, Shishitoren's having a little party at the bar tonight. Want to come?"

You hesitated for a moment, then replied, "Sure, if you want me to."

Choji laughed. "What a silly question! You're my girlfriend, of course I want you to be there."

Then, Togame emerged from the bathroom, buried in his phone. You saw him open his mouth to speak, but you quickly shook your head, pointing at his device.

"Okay, Choji." You hung up the phone and took a deep breath.

"Invited to a party?" Jo asked in a hoarse voice, to which you nodded.

At home you flopped down on your bed and started thinking about the upcoming party. You weren't in the mood for drinking alcohol or socializing with the other guys from the group, but you knew that if you didn't go, it would only annoy your boyfriend. Suddenly, your thoughts about your boyfriend were replaced by memories of the night before at Jo's apartment.

It wasn't your first sleepover at Jo's, but there seemed to be something different about it. You couldn't quite put your finger on it, but you felt a change between you and your friend.

Behind your thoughts, you didn't notice how it was time to get ready for the party. You didn't want to stand out, so you chose black jeans and a tank top, and topped it off with a leather jacket to keep warm in the evening air.

When you arrived at the bar, there were a lot of people wearing yellow. You spotted a couple of girls who you knew were dating other members of the group. You nodded hello and looked around for your boyfriend, who didn't take long to appear. He jumped onto the bar to greet his friends.

You felt someone approach you from behind and touch your shoulder. You turned around and saw Togame, and immediately felt a sense of calmness wash over you. Choji had finished his speech and had jumped down from the counter to approach you. In his hand, he held a glass with what you assumed was alcohol, as it smelled strongly. Tomiyama suddenly pulled you towards him and kissed you on the lips, right in front of everyone. The other guys laughed happily, but as you broke away from the kiss, you noticed a tense look on Jo's face.

"I'm so happy to see you!" Choji said, his voice sounding slightly forced. He noticed the slight irritation on your face and frowned. "Is everything okay?"

You glanced fearfully at Togame and then at your boyfriend, nodding your head. "It's fine, Choji." you said, trying to smile weakly, and kissed him on the cheek.

After a couple more minutes, Tomiyama left you and went back to the crowd of guys. Jo had not left your side all this time, and you noticed that he had not touched alcohol, even though on any other day, he would have never refused it.

After a couple of hours, you grew tired of all the people and decided to head home. You tried calling Choji, but his phone was off. As you made your way through the crowd of already intoxicated people, you felt uncomfortable. Suddenly, someone grabbed your arm, and you found yourself in the embrace of a very intoxicated Choji. He was mumbling something incoherently in your ear, but the noise of voices and music made it difficult to hear him.

"Choji, I want to go home!" You yelled over the din around you.

"What? What about the fun? It's just starting!" Tomiyama pulled you closer, lowering his hands to your hips.

"Damn it, Choji! I said I wanted to go home!" You exclaimed, pushing him away.

He stumbled and almost fell over a guy behind him. You looked at him in fear, your heart racing. Choji angrily shoved the guy out of the way and went to the music console. The music in the bar stopped, and the crowd groaned in disappointment. But when they saw Choji climb back onto the bar, they fell silent in respect, waiting for him to speak.

Tomiyama pointed at you and shouted, "You're not leaving! You have to stay!"

Everyone instantly turned their gaze to you, making you want to sink into the ground. "You're ruining my party! This is my night! My friends are here! And you... you can't even enjoy yourself with me..." His voice was filled with anger and annoyance.

A mixture of excitement and fear filled you, and you realized that this was not the Choji you had met 2 years ago. Unhappily, you did not understand the reasons for these changes in him. At that moment, you wanted to leave the bar, but as you started to move towards the exit, Shishitoren's guys blocked your path.

Suddenly, someone grabbed your arm and pulled you out of the circle of drunken guys. Following someone, you saw familiar braid and breathed a sigh of relief - Jo would get you out of there. You were sure of that.

Once outside, you took a deep breath of cool air. "Are you okay?" Togame asked, looking at you with concern.

"Mhm. I think everything is fine..." You turned annoyingly to the front door of the bar. "Let's get out of here, please."

Your friend nodded and led you away from the bar. Half an hour later, you were at Togame's house. He made you some soothing tea again. You smiled as you took your first sip, and it seemed to you that this was the best moment of the evening. You looked up at Jo, who was now calm and looking at you intently with a slight smile.

"I'm tired of seeing him treat you like that." Jo blurted out suddenly.

You almost choked on your tea. "Huh?"

"I mean, you don't deserve to be treated that way."

You looked at your friend, playfully and flirtatiously. "What do I deserve, then?"

Togame walked towards you carefully, so as not to scare you any further. He said, "You deserve a nice cup of tea after a long day. You deserve to be treated like a queen."

You felt a slight tremor, but deep down, you agreed with him. "You deserve gentle kisses and touches..." Jo finally approached you and put his hand on your cheek. You closed your eyes and leaned into his touch. The next moment, you felt his lips on yours. Inside, you were scared that you don't want to push him away, but instead, you just wanted to return the kiss. Through this kiss, you felt a sense of relief from Togame.

It was the first and last time that Jo voiced his feelings. That was how you understood his words, at least. You spent the night together and you realized that you hadn't felt so good in a long time. The sex with Choji was great at the beginning when you were both young and each other's first, but over time, it stopped being a manifestation of love for Tomiyama. For him, it became an opportunity to release tension. For you, though, sex was still a part of a relationship where you connected with your partner not only physically but also emotionally.

That night, Togame reminded you of what you believed about sex. His kisses, touches, and words he whispered made you feel a thrill inside, responding with pleasure to his actions. There wasn't enough love, but Jo finally gave it to you when you thought you wouldn't get it anymore.

You woke up to your phone ringing this morning. You looked over your shoulder and saw an empty space next to you in bed. "Yes, Choji," you said, rubbing your eyes as you answered your boyfriend's call.

He sounded guilty, for the first time in a long while. "I'm outside your house. Can you come out?"

"I'm staying at a friend's house. I'll be back in about an hour," you replied, trying to keep the excitement from your voice.

"Okay, I'll wait for you." You got out of bed and walked into the kitchen, where Jo was preparing breakfast. He gave you a nod, gesturing to the cup of tea on the counter. When he turned around, you noticed there was no trace of regret in his eyes, but his aloofness was unsettling.

"Everything okay?" You asked.

Togame nodded, sipping his tea and taking a bite from his sandwich.

"Choji called."

"I know. I reminded him about his behavior yesterday." He said.

You furrowed your brow. Everything that was happening now seemed like some cruel joke to you. After last night, you felt used, and the most difficult thing now was to look into Choji's eyes.

"I don't understand you." You said, pushing the cup of tea and plate of sandwich away.

"He's still your boyfriend who needs to apologize for his behavior yesterday." Jo looked at you calmly.

You made eye contact, but it felt like it wasn't Jo who was looking at you. He wasn't the friend who was always there for you in difficult times. He seemed like a completely different person.

You stood up from the table and walked towards the exit. You wanted to clear your head, even though looking tearful might play into your favor in a conversation with Choji. You didn't understand what had happened between you and Togame, and you didn't want to think about it.

You saw Tomiyama near your house, looking worried and slightly disheveled after the party the night before. When he saw you, he approached you first. As he got closer, he stopped, seeming to respect your boundaries.

He apologized for his behavior the previous day and offered to apologize in front of others if you wanted. He took your hands in his and looked at you with hope in his eyes.

"It's unnecessary, Cho." You smiled weakly. Last night with Togame was on your mind. 

"I really value our relationship. You mean a lot to me... It's just that lately I've been... It's hard." You held your breath at his words, but Choji stopped at that phrase.

"I've tried to talk to you a hundred times, but you've pushed me away." You gently pulled your hands out of his, hugging yourself by the shoulders. "It's not that you were rude to me yesterday. You've been rude to me for the last month. Ever since you became the leader of the Shishitoren. You've changed a lot, Cho..."

"I know... Yes, you're right... But I swear it won't happen again. I love you." You felt your throat going dry. Tomiyama was looking at you with so much hope and, it seemed, love, that you could only weakly nod and allow him to hug you.

Choji was lying. He only managed to hold out for a week. Then, everything went back to the way it was before. Quarrels from scratch, constant unhappiness and arguments.

You tried calling your friend, but she was busy. After your fight with Choji, you had nowhere to go, so you decided to show up at Jo's house. He let you in without saying a word, and everything happened again. The next morning, Tomiyama apologized again. And thus, you were stuck in this vicious cycle of arguments with Tomiyama and nights spent with Togame. It was terrible. You didn't have the strength to break up with Choji. His sad eyes after each fight couldn't make you leave him, and nights with Jo had become a necessary ritual for you after each argument with your boyfriend.

Togame seemed fine with everything, but you didn't notice his muscles twitching every time he saw you with Choji after you spent the night together. You didn't realize how impatient he became when he witnessed your arguments. He blamed Tomiyama for not letting you go. He blamed you for being weak and unable to say no to Choji. And he blamed himself for having to lie to his friend and hurt you. Finally, he blamed himself for not telling you and Choji how he loved you.

You stepped out of the shower and the familiar scene helped to calm your restless thoughts. Jo was preparing breakfast. You smiled as you saw the mug of tea waiting for you on the table.

"Did you know that he wants to take Bofurin away from Hajime?"

"What?!" You almost choked on your drink.

Although you didn't like the idea of your boyfriend and best friend being involved in a gang and fighting with others, you tried not to get involved. However, there had been a lot of rumors about the Bofurin and their leader in your area.

"You're involved too?" You asked, trying to hide your concern. It made you feel embarrassed that you were now worried not only about Choji, but also about Jo. He was your friend after all.

"Of course."

Togame yawned and turned away from you. He chuckled and continued chewing on a cookie.

Your phone buzzed, and you hurriedly checked it. A message from Tomiyama appeared on the screen.

"Please come to Orion with me today."

You hesitated, but when you saw Jo's concerned expression, you put your phone away and looked out the window.

In the past, Choji had often arranged dates at the old cinema, so you were not surprised by his invitation. You sighed at the thought that you were weary of this life. The constant lies had sucked you into a dark swamp. Jo seemed like a lifeline, but when you grasped onto it, you found yourself sinking even deeper.

"I need to go." you said, thanking Jo for breakfast as you left his apartment.

After lunch, you went to the Orion as Choji had suggested. As you arrived, you noticed a large group of people wearing yellow jerseys, and you realized where Choji had taken you. You wanted to turn back and leave immediately, but you bumped into Tomiyama who was leading a group of men, including Jo. Bofurin followed Shishitoren. You knew Umemiya and Hiragi, the others were strangers to you.

"My lovely girlfriend, how glad I am to see you here!" Said Choji, looking excited. It had been a long time since you had seen him so excited.

Jo's expression was blank, while Umemiya greeted you happily, but Choji did not like it. He approached you and gave you a tight hug, pulling you close to him.

Tomiyama whispered in your ear, making your neck tingle. "Today will be my triumph."

The first two fights were surprisingly quick. The members of Bofurin took down the Shishitoren fighters with ease. Throughout the entire time, you were watching the fights, gripping the arms of your chair with your fingernails. You were too afraid to move again, for fear of angering Choji.

Before Hiragi's bout with Sako, Jo turned to you.

"Could you get me some water? My throat is getting dry." He asked.

You let out a sigh of relief and gave him a grateful look for the opportunity to leave this place. However, Choji stopped you from rising from your seat by placing his hand on your arm. He summoned someone from the crowd and said something to them, then they left the cinema.

"My girlfriend isn't your servant, Togame." Tomiyama said with venom in his voice.

Jo slouched back in his seat, looking at you with guilt in his eyes. You pressed your lips together. You didn't want to watch the stage anymore, so you lowered your gaze and tried to steady your breathing.

When Jo came on stage, your desire to leave only increased. You were filled with fear for him, even though he could be quite violent during the fights. The guy with black and white hair looked like a child to you, but you knew he was serious. Despite Togame's smile, you were worried that he might not handle the pressure this time.

When Jo missed the first shot, you flinched and turned away from the stage. Choji noticed and grabbed your chin, forcing you to look back. "I don't want you to miss this!" he said. You saw no concern on his face for Jo. He seemed to be enjoying the fight.

After a half hour of fighting, you looked pleadingly at Choji. "Please let me leave. I can't watch anymore..." You said, your voice shaking.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed how much blood there was on Togame's face. You couldn't bear to look at it. "He's my friend. I can't watch him get hurt."

"No." Choji said with amusement in his voice.

You remained in your seat, your eyes fixed on the stage. You watched Jo and Sakura talk, but all you heard was the ringing in your ears and the sounds of bodies hitting.

When Haruka knocked Togame out, you couldn't take it anymore and started to cry. You wanted to run on the stage and pull your friend off.

Deep down, you knew your feelings for Choji had changed. Looking at him, you no longer saw the person you loved. You felt nothing but hate and fear.

Tomiyama jumped on stage and continued to act like a monkey, making you breathe a sigh of relief when Jo finally got up. You got out of your chair, your chest heaving with excitement, feeling like you could finally leave this place. You wanted to take Togame with you, but then Tomiyama hit him as he tried to stop Choji from fighting Umemiya.

Jo got back up again and came down from the stage, coming up to you and giving you the keys to his apartment. He pointed to the exit, saying, "She has nothing to do here." He turned to Tomiyama, who tried to contradict him, but Jo glared at his friend.

Togame nodded at you with a small smile on his face. You didn't want to leave him, but he gently directed you towards the door and you followed his instructions.

"If you go now, then we won't be together anymore," you heard Choji say with a hint of mockery in his voice, stopping you in your tracks.

You turned around to see Jo, who gave you a calm nod. You sighed with relief and left the cinema.

You were sitting in the kitchen of Jo's apartment, anxiously looking at your phone. It was getting late and the sun had set, but Jo was still not there. You were worried about what had happened to Choji, and whether he meant what he said. Part of you felt happy about that outcome, while another part was scared of what had happened at the cinema after you left. Would Tomiyama be able to take Bofurin for himself, and what would he do with Togame now?

Your thoughts were interrupted when the doorbell rang, and you rushed to open it. Jo was standing there, smiling at you. His wounds had been treated and they no longer looked so terrible. You immediately threw yourself into his arms, breathing in his familiar scent.

"I talked to Choji and explained everything about us." Jo said.

"Uhm... and him?..."

You pulled away from him, running your fingers through his loose hair. You had missed his hair, which he had been wearing in a braid for the past few months.

"He said he guessed it. I asked him to talk to you, so that he could explain everything and apologize. He promised to call you tomorrow… Well… I should have told you a long time ago that I love you. I'm sorry I didn't show my feelings properly. Maybe then you wouldn't have suffered so much with Choji, but... I was just so happy to see how good he was with you... That's why I didn't want to ruin what we had."

"I understand, Jo. I do." You placed your hand on his cheek, gently stroking his wound with your thumb.

The next morning, for the first time in a long while, you woke up without the overwhelming sense of guilt. Togame's arm was wrapped around your waist and his warm breath was on your neck.

"You know how much I love the way you smell?" Togame sensed that you were awake.

"That's your shower gel, Jo." You laughed, turning to face him. "Good morning."

"Good morning." He said, reaching for your lips and kissing you, gently biting your lower lip.

"Mmm, so sweet." He murmured.

You were surprised by his sudden passion. "Wow, Jo, you've never been so... intense before."

He smiled. "That's because I couldn't express my true feelings before."

"But I'm glad you can show me now." You settled yourself on his hips, kissing his neck and feeling a surge of happiness.

He hugged you close. "Trust me, now I'm overjoyed to be able to show you how I feel."

[serejae]

WE CANT BE FRIENDS | 16. BUT ID LIKE TO JUST PRETEND

(written)

prev | next

warning: im gonna pretend we're in korea for this chapter so jaehyun can drink LOLSIES, i also know barely anything about drinking so if its not accurate OOPS #20y/owhocantdrinkstrugglesbcshesscaredofthelaw

mstl

taglist @lilriswife4life @cherrytaesan @tubatu-lovie @woonsbot @guiltysungho @taylorluvation @kage-yaa @lionhanie @dearly-somber @nicholasluvbot @nujeskz @unhakki @lblossom21 @crispy-kirby @seunghancore @nctrawberries @i03jae @icewons @miidorei @hanbinniesmango @helpsplease @dongminz

ps: it doesnt get better from here until wayyy after ;-)

(a few minutes ago) EPISODE 5

"what are we even supposed to do?" jaehyun said as he took another shot. "i uh have to ask you questions" woonhak explained as he repositioned the camera up to face jaehyun. jaehyun hummed as he took another shot "are you okay? you took like 10 shots since we got here and i haven't even started recording yet" woonhak looked up from the camera concerned. "pfft what do you know about drinking" jaehyun laughed looking at woonhak, woonhak scoffed "not much, but i know this relates back to yn". the older one looked away "just record or something i don't know..."

"now we have myung jaehyun. i'll ask you questions and you can answer away from yn. i assure you she won't see this footage...well unless she watches this but that's beside the point." woonhak adjusted the camera a bit. "so i CAN answer the question? i have a choice?" jaehyun asked rather tipsy. "no sorry, you WILL answer these."

"what are your opinions on L/N Y/N?"

jaehyun took another shot before answering. "Yn? she's...I MISS HER" he suddenly erupted into tears taking back woonhak but content is content...

"i cant live without her i dont know how i haven't died yet during these 2 years. shes all i constantly think about, when i go to the store, i think about her, when i sleep, i think about her, when I'm even in my fucking office i think about her and that was the main thing that drove me away from her." he sobbed into his hands. woonhak giggled a bit at the sight and zoomed into jaehyun crying. "I'm gonna have to put a 'her' count in here..."

"I thought you ended things because of music, your job?"

"FUCK THE JOB! i'm done, i'll take it all back and work at fucking wendys if it means i can stay with her. my music career is a flop! YOU know" jaehyun pointed at woonhak to which he nods "THEY know" he pointed at the camera "SHE knows" he points at his heart "I just cant take not being around her anymore. we don't have to be friends we don't have to date again I just want her back in my life completely without messing everything up. i'd literally argue with her for the rest of my life even if it hurts me rather than never talk to her at all and it hurts because she makes it look so simple, not missing me, not talking to me. but it's fair enough isn't it? if i had just shut my mouth for that one day i would've realized that music doesn't compare to her, but why'd i have to realize so late?"

"do you still think about her?"

"of course i do" he cried even more, woonhak was pretty sure jaehyuns drink was more tears than alcohol now "you know..." jaehyun giggled for a second 'the roman empire? how its like a joke that all guys think of it often, she, y/n are you watching this?" jaehyun gets close to the camera, his nose touching the lens, too drunk to realize anything. "yn, you're my roman empire, there's not a second i don't think about you. i wake up , its you, i go to sleep, its you, i eat, its you, hell i could strip right now and dance-“ “that's enough" woonhak stops him. "i just wonder why you think so deeply about her, shes just a girl-" jaehyun cuts woonhaks words offended "DONT. shes not just some random girl, shes yn. the first person who understood me, the first person i felt comfortable with, the first person to support my music career, and i just, let her go. for the same music career i left her for. clearly, you've never been in love or never been in love and lost that same person due to your dumb actions..."

"then why were you acting so cold to her today?"

"fuck, woonhak. its all a persona, i'm trying to convince myself I'm over her, but clearly, it's not working, at all. even today i used all the force in me not to fold and when i complained about it on my twitter this random sea jae something account commented...but i remember she did comment under my comment saying "its not like me and her will get together" with a "haha" like what does that mean...is it a sign from the universe?" jaehyun looked over at woonhak with a sad smile trying to convince himself he's not that effected by you despite going on a 30 minute rant about you. woonhak laughed a bit. jaehyun looked down at his shot glass and stared.

"do you think she misses me...like ever?" he turned again to woonhak who stared at jaehyun in pity. "she-" woonhak paused and shook his head "directors shouldn't get involved" jaehyuns body shot over to face woonhak "YOUR NOT A DIRECTOR YOUR A 17 YEAR OLD BOY" "18 in Korea" woonhak added "I DONT CARE, YOUR A 17 OR 18 BOY WHO IS FAILING HIS FILM MAKING CLASS WITH A NEGATIVE NUMBER. WHAT DOES SHE SAY ABOUT ME."

"fine, i'll show you." woonhak logs into his phone and text you to help him out. "oops, phone died" jaehyun groaned and face planted into the table.

(NOW)

you texted woonhak that you were outside and you saw him drag jaehyun out. "damn he's out." taesan said from your backseat. you hum in agreement. woonhak approaches the car and opens the back seat to throw jaehyun in until taesan stops him "put jaehyun in the passenger seat" "but you're back here-"

"woonhak. put. jaehyun. in. the. damn. front. seat."

woonhak placed jaehyun in the front seat and got in the back.

jaehyun turned his head to you as you were driving

"yn?" he asked softly "yeah?" "do you ever miss me?"

you dont reply, looking in your rear view mirror you see woonhak and taesan sleeping. sighing you turn back to jaehyun when you stop at a red light, he looked at you with soft doe eyes that could break any minute. but you couldn't help but admire his features shining in the red light, you hadn't got a good look at him until now and damn, he was still so...

BEEP

right. "back then yeah" you lied, or maybe not, who cares

"i still miss you, a lot. Every day i wake up and my heart aches for you, only to see an empty cold space in the spot next to me. i know, i know everyone tells me and i got the signal from you, i know I'm stupid for ending a relationship over music, SoundCloud especially but i don't want to move on. if i put on earth with one other girl and her only i wouldn't even speak to her, i'd make a stick doll and name it after you, talk to it every day, because yn, you're the only person I've ever needed and i hate that i lost the one person who kept me going, that i still dream of, that i can't move on from, i just wish i didn't let you go at all.

do you...still think we'd be together if i hadn't ruined us?"

you pause staring at the gearstick "maybe in another life" you replied lowly afraid your voice would crack. you blink back tears refusing to even look at him. you hear him catch his breath and realize he's crying "i just wish it could be this life. i want it to be this life, yn, I'll do anything for it to be this life please. let me back in your life."

"jaehyun no, you're drunk"

"drunk words are sober thoughts"

taesan said from the backseat still with his eyes closed. you realize both woonhak and taesan have been faking sleeping the entire time.

"get out" you said. taesan opened his eyes and realized yall were in front of his and jaehyuns house. OH RIGHT, thanks yn" you hum as you watch taesan help jaehyun out. "take care" you said to both of them, before jaehyun gets through the door he turns back at you and smiles softly

"ugh i shouldve recorded that"

oh.

you forgot he was there.

[aroace-not-arokay]

I'm just a guy with a couple emotions, a couple ideas, and a couple friends. I'm still not sure where this path will lead. Care to walk it together and find out with me?

Hello there!

hihihi! I'm known as Kiwi, and this is my corner of the giant library of information known as the internet, tucked away behind a maze of bookshelves where the prying eyes can't find us. Curl up in the plush chair with me, pick your favorite stuffie/plushie to bring along, and come relax for a bit before diving back into the confusion and pain that is reality. We can talk, sit here in silence, read books together, whatever you need. When you're happy, I'm happy, okay? Door (messages) is always open, whether you've come sobbing, splintering, or shattered. Whatever you're going through, whatever you need me for, don't hesitate to reach out. We'll sit in the plush chair together, and you can tell me what's wrong.

credit @sysboxes

✧Aroace if you couldn't already tell (Cupioromantic, sex repulsed) ✧ Gender: Idk something that's not binary still not sure yet

✧Pronouns: Any. Like, use a different one every time if you want ✧Age: I don't know. It's definitely something under 18. That's all I remember ✧Location: On lucky days it's the zoo or the library. Most days they just send me to The Pit of Despair tho :( ✧Race: Asian. That's all you get okay? ✧Love languages: Mainly physical touch and quality time ✧Incredibly ambiverted (like, a literal 51/49 split I wish I was kidding but that's what the 16 personalities test said)

✧ Most of my posts will be tagged with #a kiwi conundrum or #a kiwi confession or #a kiwi conversation

✧Asks will be tagged with #a kiwi gets questioned? and posts centered around moths will be tagged with #a kiwi and a moth (trust me, this tag is used more than you'd expect) and posts involving gaining a new mutual will be tagged #a kiwi made a friend :D (earlier mutuals won't be tagged with this because it's a recent development) ︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Any mental illnesses listed here have been discussed with a therapist

✧ I'm supposed to be human but I don't really know who believes that anymore ✧ I am a sopping wet bundle of emotions ✧ I could always use another hug ✧ I will always jump at the chance to give someone else a hug 

✧ I'm at least 17% music and vibes

✧ People pleaser at heart, but it's okay because you being happy makes me happy

✧ procrastination nation 

✧ I don’t understand societal norms and I’m done trying 

✧ ADHD

✧ I’M THE MAGIC MAN

✧ Don’t ever worry about bothering me or making me annoyed with your presence or messages. As long as you’re talking to me, no matter what it’s about, you’re making my day better

✧ Biggest fears are the concept of permanence, being left by everyone I care about, and the deep blue

✧ If separation anxiety had a “human” embodiment I would be it

✧ Rowing is the fun

✧ unstable as hell

✧ I’m like two months clean of sh :D 

✧  Still not sure which personality is mine (I’M TRYING OKAY?) 

✧ The mom friend when needed but doesn’t act like it

✧ Trying so desperately to appear sane 

✧ Books are my safe space

✧The only time I feel safe is when being hugged by someone I truly trust

✧ Oldest brother

✧ If I’m on tumblr it means I’m avoiding reality

✧ I will always want to make a new friend

✧I will never have enough attention or affection. I just… it ever doesn’t fill up fully. It’s never enough :( 

✧ Perpetually touch starved

✧ Still trying to learn that I’m allowed to be loved without meeting any requirements first

✧ Trying and failing, but we’ll get there one day

✧ I HAVE A THERAPIST 🎉🎉🎉(It was a bloody uphill battle but we got there)

✧ Incredibly incredibly needy. I apologize in advance

✧ I will do anything and everything in my power to avoid an argument. I love debates, but emotion fueled arguments are the bane of my existence 

✧ Schedules are also the bane of my existence. I feel trapped and shackled, as if someone took me out of my safe and warm surroundings and tried to beat the creativity out of me

✧ Please never hesitate to show me the cool new rock you found

✧ Please never hesitate to show me a cool new animal you found

✧ Please never hesitate to show me your trauma or worries. I’m around so that you guys stay around

✧If you’re reading this you’re not allowed to die. Them's the rules.

✧ Seriously, if anything’s wrong, message me. We’ll sit in the plush chair together

✧ I love you unless explicitly stated otherwise (yes, even you)

✧ OSDD type-1 

✧ ↑ Everyone say hi to ༄ Miyla (she/her) and ❖ Ranai (they/them)

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

༄ Miyla: OC turned alter when my mind tried to find a way to cope with my intense need for affection that was not being fulfilled, happened about a year ago

༄ Loves hugs and kisses and general displays of affection

༄Forgotten pagan moth deity 

༄ The only person/thing that’s holding me together right now

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

❖ Ranai: He's been around for as long as I can remember

❖ Hellishly depressing. Like, constantly telling me to kill myself (which is really rude tbh)

❖ Tends to be the reason I fall back into destructive habits

❖ Not all bad. He can act as a sort of emotional shield for when I am HURTING but still need to mask. And when he's not depressing he's nice to talk to

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

If you have any questions or are confused about anything I just listed, come ask me! If it’s written here, it means I’m open and willing to talk about it. I love y’all!

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Life is… really confusing. But it’s better with friends! Care to join me, and we can try to navigate it together?

[crowsofdarkness]

Clive Rosfield(Final Fantasy 16) x Female!Reader.

You find yourself watching Clive during a very intimate moment.

18+ cws below the cut: mentions of blood and murder, peeping reader and male masturbation.

a/n: well, I knew it was only a matter of time I started writing for Clive. This is the first video game character I’ve ever written for. You don’t need to know much of the game to read this since it’s basically porn without plot but there are a little bit of spoilers for the story of the game in here. i'm about half way through the game currently but couldn't wait to finish it in order to write something for Clive.

Part One-you are here | Part Two

I definitely should not be doing this.

It's wrong.

So fucking wrong.

And yet, here I am standing in front of the slightly ajar door to Clive's chamber, watching and listening. Listening to the grunts and moans that spilled out into the hallway. Watching the way his hand glided up and down his slick cock, the sharp muscles in his stomach constricted as his hips rose off the bed.

It was late in the evening and everyone retired to their own chambers for the night but not me. I couldn't sleep, not after the nightmares continued to keep me awake. After The Black Shield had ransacked my old village for the culling, I was one of the only survivors, watching as my friends and families were slaughter in front of me. I'd manage to hid in a closet in the pub in town and was only found when Clive came to save us. Since I was the only survivor, he took me in. I could still feel the warmth that spread through his gloved hands as he carried me back to the ship, dazed from all the bloodshed I'd witness.

That was about a month ago, Clive checking in on me whenever he could since he was gone on his own missions. Much to my dismay however, we weren't close no matter how often he checked on me. Him and Jill seemed to be extremely close, given their history. I was surprised, however, by what I heard seconds before I reached the door to his chambers.

"That's it, Y/N. Such a good girl for me, taking my cock so well."

The nightmares kept me up and since I knew Clive would be the only one awake in the Hideaway, I thought to come seek some solace with him. He always gave me the invitation. But when I heard him moaning my name while touching himself, I all but froze watching the scene.

He thought of me in that kind of way? Sexually? He never made it known. But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of him that way. Clive always took up space in my mind and the feelings I had for him were so intense, it nearly hurt when I saw him and Jill together.

Boy, how wrong I'd been.

"Oh fuck, Y/N," Clive's grunts brought me back as I took a tentative step closer towards the small opening of his door.

His sweat stricken body clung to the sheets of his bed and the dark strands of his hair covered his face, those bright eyes a void. They were closed tight, not nearly tight as the way he was gripping his cock. Up and down in such fast motions, I thought for sure it would cause him some kind of pain.

The scars that littered his chest and stomach from years of constant battles were illuminated underneath the candlelight. I was suddenly starved, wanting to lick every single one and also the sweat that clung to his body.

Clive rose up suddenly and I nearly jumped back, thinking he caught me, but watched with a gaping mouth as he spit on his cock, his hand now going in slower motions. Dragging the saliva from head to base, mixing it with the precum that slipped from the slit. The wet sounds of his pleasure were music to my ears and my cunt ached with the fire that needed to be extinguished.

"Your cunt is so wet for me, Y/N. Let me make more of a mess," Clive signed while lying back on his bed, squeezing and pulling his cock.

"Such a filthy girl," he continued to ramble on, every so often saying my name. "Your cunt cries for me, begging me to fuck it."

I couldn't take it anymore; I needed to touch myself. Just as my fingers grazed against my clit over my skirt, the tiniest of moans fell from my lips.

Oh, founder.

Clive's eyes snapped towards the open doorway, immediately locking with mine and I knew there was no way I'd be able to explain my actions.

I was so fucked.

[verdantlights]

PIROUETTE: LOG 1

TWs: surgery, medical malpractice/injury

In the context for this log and most of my other logs, ALIEN STAGE is an annual event. Meaning it happens once every calendar year.

══════════════════════════════

Pirouette: Age 9 Everest: Age 12

"Hey, Eve? Do you think Mother will abandon me because I'm weak?"

The girl in question, Everest, looks at her younger sibling in pity, "She shouldn't. She just got done spending a whole bunch of money to make you in her image. You being weak is just a consequence. She'll find a way to fix that in time."

Pirouette doesn't like his answer. Ever since they got back from their extensive body altering surgeries, Everest has been acting a lot colder towards them.

Pirou has never felt so lonely.

.

.

.

.

.

They hug their new tail close to them at night, hoping to find some comfort in it's skin-like texture and warmth. Their now elongated ears keep getting uncomfortably squished against the pillow when they turn on either side. They keep biting their tongue and lips on accident with their sharper canines. The sensitive hearing they have now is driving them insane. They can hear footsteps and conversations of others from distances that no other human should be capable of hearing from.

They've only been under Mother's care for a few months, and the happiness they felt after being rescued from the slums has been soured. They can't find it in themselves to hate Mother.

They're so uncomfortable in their skin, though. They'll never get used to it. The surgeries were excruciating and they were simply told to be quiet. They passed out multiple times from the pain. They can't walk properly anymore due to their off-kilter balance.

The worst part is that they can't figure out why Everest doesn't like them anymore. It's not their fault. They didn't want the surgeries, they didn't want to do it. Mother didn't give them a choice.

.

.

.

After they've been discharged from a full recovery, they are sent back to ANAKT GARDEN with Everest, who was taking care of them inpatient as per Mother's request.

They're pulled into an office with another segyein they're unfamiliar with and told that they'll be doing specialized training to help fix their balance. Something called figure skating.

Pirouette is told that it was an Old Earth sport that involved doing elegant twirls and spins on ice, the scary part being that they had to wear sharp blades on their feet. They were assured it wasn't as dangerous as it sounded, but they didn't know how to feel about that.

However, as promised, it really wasn't dangerous. In fact, Pirou found it a lot easier to maintain balance on skates, which came as a complete surprise to both their segyein manager and themself. It took a while to be able to maintain steady rhythm without staggering, but once they were stable, they felt free.

They were so glad they were put on ice. It felt wonderful. Gliding around, axels, sharp turns, all of it felt like they were flying. Their tail started to feel like a natural extension of themself rather than an uncomfortable hindrance and annoyance. It helped them perform never before before figures that captured many segyein's attention over time.

══════════════════════════════

Pirouette: Age 13 Everest: Age 16

Pirou is walking normally again, although they seem to be much more elegant and precise in their movements when they're in their skates. They have a love/hate relationship with their inhuman features, but more often than not, they just don't care.

Other students at ANAKT Garden have started to touch their tail and ears without their permission, and that's what bugs them the most. They don't like other people in their space and prefer others who respect their boundaries.

They've built a small group of friends like Clove, Clementine, and Innamorati. They trust them the most and they don't really need many friends anyway. They respect their boundaries and ask before touching.

They don't see Everest anymore. The only time they're able to meet with their sibling is when Mother comes to visit them at ANAKT GARDEN. Even then, she doesn't always bring Eve with her. On the rare occasions where Eve does come, they're able to have a civil conversation, but it still feels distant.

It's fine.

Pirouette likes to watch a boy in their class, Jiu. Pirou knows it's a crush, and their friends have tried to pry it out of them, but they won't crack. Pirou doesn't want to get close and is perfectly content in watching from afar. They can tell Jiu isn't really much of a people person either, but he's a bit more cold. Pirou just thinks he's pretty. They really hope Jiu hasn't caught their eye and noticed their tail start wagging over him, by the Great Anakt that'd be embarrassing.

It's fine. Everything is fine.

══════════════════════════════

Pirouette: Age 17 Everest: Age 20

Pirou watches Season 36 of ALIEN STAGE on TV. They notice their sister's profile and their heart sinks.

They never look away.

They watch as Everest climbs the bracket effortlessly, almost like he's emotionless to the slaughter around her.

They watch Everest win the FINAL and they collapse. Clementine is there to catch them when they do. The segyein have been trying to tell them that death is an honor here, but Pirou doesn't believe it. They know what pain feels like. They know what death looks like.

Their first memories were in the slums, after all. They were surrounded by death before they knew what death was. They say their thanks to their Mother every day for saving them from the slums. They just wish Mother had left their body alone.

Death is no honor. Not here, not anywhere.

And Pirou knows that they're going to follow in their sister's footsteps.

══════════════════════════════

Pirouette: Age 21 Everest: Age 24

It's fine. Everything is fine.

Until it's not.

They're participating in Season 40 of ALIEN STAGE. They knew it'd happen at some point.

They just felt that it came too fast, even if four years is a good chunk of time.

They don't want to do this.

Thankfully, or unfortunately if you ask Pirou, their wish is granted.

About two days before ROUND 1 of Season 40, they're practicing skating as usual. They're hooked up to machines that simulate an ice rink for them and allow them to practice figures and forms.

Something's not right.

Pirouette hears commotion going on from the control room and when he looks over, he sees a flash of long white hair hitting a couple of buttons with a few segyein hunched over in what appears to be pain...

...before he feels searing pain coming from the sensors on his body. Most of it is focused on his legs and his head.

It's unbearable. It's worse than the pain from the slums. It's worse than the pain from the surgeries.

They're certain their scream could deafen another person, but the simulation room is soundproof and no one is in there with them.

They feel their vision fade to black.

.

.

.

.

.

When they wake. Their legs are paralyzed.

I can't move my legs... WHY CAN'T I MOVE MY LEGS-

There's a segyein standing next to them. It's Mother.

"M-Moth-... er? What- What happened?"

"Everest. Everest is the reason you are paralyzed. She will face punishment. You cannot participate in Season 40 because of her insolence, I'm terribly sorry. You will be moved to the class of Season 41. I hope you can forgive me, child. I will do everything in my power to... make sure this doesn't get out and that you can skate again. I've seen how much you love skating."

Pirou's head is reeling. They think they feel tears flowing freely.

"...Eve... did th-... this?"

Mother nods.

What...? Why would he do that... Eve... How could she...?

They reach a hand out to Mother, she takes it. Pirouette just wants to be comforted. They try to sit up, but it proves to be extremely difficult. Mother seems to notice and helps them.

She cradles them in her arms, "Oh child... come here, I've got you."

Pirou cries silently until the anesthetic kicks in again.

.

.

.

It takes about a month for the segyein to repair Pirou's legs. Apparently, Everest had pressed a bunch of buttons in the control room that overloaded the sensors and caused nerve damage, and at the worse, completely fried and severed nerves in their legs. The only reason they didn't have brain damage was because there were some strange chemicals and materials left over from their body modifications a long time ago that interfered with the sensor's trajectory.

It confused them at first. They didn't care about their brain or their legs at the moment, even if they value their legs seeing as they can't skate without them. They only cared about Everest. They still can't fathom why Eve would do such a thing.

They get their answer shortly after they finish their physical therapy. Once they're given the all-clear, they're released into the 41st Class. Everest is the first person they come face to face with.

Eve is in her old ANAKT GARDEN uniform.

Eve is in her old ANAKT GARDEN uniform.

"Wh-what...? Eve??"

"I fucked up. Big time. Pirou, you need to find a way to get out of here."

Pirou took in the sight of their sister. He looks disheveled, like she hasn't slept in days. To put it simply, she looks like shit.

And Pirou doesn't trust him anymore.

"And why should I listen to you? You tried to take the one thing that makes me feel alive away from me. You made me permanently paralyzed from the waist down. I'm only walking because Mother was able to fix it."

"Pirou- no- that wasn't my intent-"

"I don't think it matters what your intention was, Everest. You hurt me."

She doesn't say anything in response. Pirouette turns around and leaves. They find a corner away from everyone else and they sit and fiddle with the faux grass. They don't like how fake everything is in ANAKT GARDEN, but they've grown used to it, they suppose.

They watch as everyone around them talks to each other. Everyone has friends. There's so many new people.

They miss Clove and Clem. They miss Inna and Jiu. They miss their old class. They miss Eve.

Pirou has never felt so lonely.

══════════════════════════════

hey chat do we fw piroueve doomed siblings haha

Innamorati: @alien-til-i-stage

Clementine: @chevalperd

Jiu: @severedscales

@ivanttakethis @ivanvxos @bluemoonscape @rockwgooglyeyes @apple8ees @awaggaa @junebluues @starry-skiez @friedclownshrimp @4listr @messengers-of-the-gods @apriciticreveries @nottoonedin

[mysticficti0n]

heyhey B!

I love ur writing more than I love air ykwim but I want to ask if you can write Y/n finding out their show has been canceled and the TH boys back her up when she starts arguing with the managers (they're like 16-17 ish in this)

also congrats on the job !!!

thanks sugar ❤︎

Okay yes- I love writing for angry characters 🤭

Don't F*ck with her

∞༺♥༻✧✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧✧༺♥༻∞　

warnings- swearing, roughhousing?

words- 1.1k

(I used my friend Erik for the managers name btw she said he would be a bald fat guy?)

"you're joking?" Y/n rose from her make-up chair were she had already finished her look and was ready for the stage "no- Lynsey your fucking with me right? we're meant to be on in literally twenty minuets and you come in here and tell me it's canceled!" the girl was seething

"Y/n I'm sorry- you need to speak with the manager I can't do anything" her assistant directed with a sorry face "I was just told, the audience will find out soon" Y/n shot past Lynsey who quickly followed her to the boys changing room, the sound of laughing and jokes broke as she yanked the door open

"he fucking canceled the show" Y/n spat

"what?" the boys faces dropped "what do you mean canceled?"

"fucking canceled it! I swear to god I'm going to go ape-shit on Chris right fucking now, who's coming?" with a face like thunder Tom got up followed by his brother and the others "Lyn where are they?"

"follow me" Lyn had worked with the band for years she was one of their best friends and knew that they'd had enough with this new manager Chris constantly messing things up, the red-haired girl directed them to the 'office room' where Chris was sat watching tv "sir- the band are here to see you" he sighed

"yes?" Y/n shoved past the door and eyed the man up "Y/n?"

"canceled?!" Bill asked but was more of a 'are you taking the piss?' sort of voice "were meant to be on soon!"

"I realise that- but" Tom looked toward the girl who was chewing her lip to the point blood would probably start dripping "look"

"No you look right fucking here- we have a whole audience out there still oblivious to the fact were not going on and what reason are we meant to give? our managers a stupid dickwad who is messing around the 5 people who make him the money that feeds his fucking family hm?" Chris stood up from his seat and walked toward the girl, the boys took a step back but she stayed in her place, Gustav reached toward the girl but she didn't budge. Chris was now an inch away from her face, their eyes locked "you don't scare me- not anymore I'm not gonna let you do anything more to our band-"

"who says you have a choice- I own you all, I could snatch every reputation you ever have away from you in a second" his hand went around the girl jaw before letting go quickly "so go back to you room- take off that slutish make up and shut your mouths- understand me?" Bill had enough of seeing Y/n toyed with, he stepped forward shoving the man off her space, a laugh beloved from the man as he turned to the boys, eyes mostly set upon Bill

"don't fucking touch my brother-" Tom spoke pulling Bill back to him "you are fucking ruining our careers and like Y/n said- you pull this show, not one of us get any money- so grow a fucking pair you bald prick and let us play"

"you're a fucking stupid cunt- your making our lives a fucking nightmare" Gustav yelled getting nods from the other 4

"think I'm going to listen to 5 little kids? you're all pathetic" Georg scoffed

"mate your what 55 and make your living of us- your last band fired you so you came to us, who said we ever wanted a money stealing, pervy, pissface owning us?"

"good point- actually tell you what Chris get your shit together- your fired and were going onto that god-damn-fucking stage and telling that whole ass stadium, guys get your stuff were going" Bill walked out and straight to stage, the Tokio Hotel intro hadn't even played but the 5 walked on and the audience roared as they entered "HELLO GEORGIA" the band yelled

"so were sorry about the hold up but we wanna say something- so you all know Chris Satpled? yeah well we just fucking fired the lunatic as he was cancelling our shows and was trying to cancel tonights" Y/n screamed to them all and a huge boo ran through the people making the band clap them, the 5 ran to their instruments, Tom, Georg and Y/n went to get their guitars, Bill and Georg went to their places and waited for the three

"were gonna preform for you all tonight and we'll have a special song for Chris later-" Bill laughed as the band began playing

∞༺♥༻✧✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧✧༺♥༻∞　

"Thank you for a wonderful show everyone and as we said we have a very special song for Chris- so it goes like this- FUCK CHRIS SATPLED FUCK CHRIS SATPLED FUCK CHRIS SATPLED FUCK CHRIS SATPLED" Bill started a chant through the whole stadium of people, the guitarist kept strumming a beat they created along with Gustav and the crowd, Y/n took a step forward to the mic and coughed

"Oh these were bought by Chris' company so-" she took a step back, unhooking the guitar strap from her and slamming it to the floor and a cheer shot from everyone, next Tom and Georg started smashing their guitars and the sound of symbols crashing to the floor as Gustav kicked them down and stabbed the skins of his drums and shoved them along with the kit

The band all met at the front and took one last bow before going off and jumping at each other laughing, they had backstage runners asking what they were doing but the band ignored them all.

Time past and they knew that a crowd would be outside and they also knew Chris would have to walk through them all, they waited at the exit doors and Chris was their speaking with the bands security, their ex-manager took one last look at the all and rolled his eyes "punks"

"get fucked you absolute wank stain- I hope you get fucked over again and again" Y/n grinned waving to the man who pull his coat taught

"I'll find a better band who respects a man like me" Tom shook his head walking to the man and patting his shoulder

"good luck finding a better band than us you knob- now get the fuck out" the people outside cheer's turned to boo's as the stumpy man walked out, water was thrown at him and the chant started again making the band burst out laughing and soon followed his last footsteps, Tom walked close to the girl as they calmed down grabbing things to sign from fans "you know what- we found you all pretty hot when angry" Y/n laughed shoving him away "hey don't just attack me we all did"

"shut it Kaulitz- I swear to god I'll kill you all" she walked away from the 4 boys and started speaking with fans and taking pictures

"don't fuck with her huh?" Georg laughed

"agreed" the other joined following Y/n "hot though?" Gustav looked to the boys who quickly nodded and all started giggling away

[transparencyboo]

A Ghost. Forever.

I've been thinking recently about that strange disconnect to my past I have earned as a trans person. When I was 16 years old I graduated from my old school (as per the Swedish education system), leaving behind over a decade together with classmates I had known for practically my entire life at that point. I bumped into one or two in public during the following year or so, but it's been 15 years since I heard anything from any of them. Contact networks change, people go their separate ways, time moves on, etc. That's a regular part of life.

Still, those connections are formative ones. These were people I used to call friends, although in hindsight I think of them more as mutuals – acquaintances. We didn't share more than broad interests, every now and then we got into fights, some hurt me quite a lot, but in an awkward sense I know a part of my soul is connected to these people through a substantially shared past.

Sometimes I remember them with fondness, other times with anger. And then I realize all I have left of them are frozen snapshots that have remained unchanged since June 2008. I moved on, went out into the world, visited new places, met new people, I never ever returned. Some part of me imagines that I could walk back to our old school, step into one of the classrooms and see their ghosts waiting for me.

"You are late." "Where have you been all this time?" "Now, where were we?"

But I understand that's not true, they too have lived full rich lives ever since our last shared moment. I remember a lot of names, I can search them online and find the traces. Privated Facebook accounts, superficial Linked In pages, the odd Instagram profile. Everyone looks frighteningly adult, like they somehow lived at least ten more years than me. They got old, but I believe they're doing well.

I'm sure one or two of them have shared this curiosity and occasionally peeked at the glimpses of each others lives. Except mine.

All ties to the past have been severed. Many years ago I came out as trans, changed all of my personal info and got a new ID. My old name, my old identity, has been wiped off the face of the Earth. If someone where to look for that person they would find less than nothing. A ghastly absence. Of course, everyone of any importance to me knows about this change. I never disappeared, I am still here. But to the outsiders with nothing more than a faded memory and an outdated name, I must simply have vanished into thin air.

In the beginning, I took relief in this. "Now, no one will ever find me again. I won't have to deal with some awkward school reunion. They can't touch me anymore." But now I'm not so sure. I've changed so much, and discovered so much about myself. The idea that two dozen people are still walking around out there with vividly detailed conceptions of me based on nothing but a long forgotten and rejected past feels wrong. It feels perverted. But that's the price you pay. In exchange for becoming my real self, I allowed those strangers to keep me as a frozen snapshot.

June 2008. 16 years old. Forever.

But does it have to be that way? Can I not mend this? Suddenly I want nothing more in the world. I want to show these people what became of me. How much I grew. Maybe I want to prove myself? I had the grandest adventure, I learned the most about myself, I completed my metamorphosis, no change was as drastic as mine, I won. They become involuntary ambassadors for everything I resent about my old self. I reduce these regular people to demons of all my buried insecurities and bottled up doubt. Little perpetual 16 year old brats. As dehumanized by our separation as I fear myself to be. How I hate them. How I hate that I hate them.

Of course I could solve this. It's laughably simple. I can reach out, try to reestablish contact. I certainly have the means.

"Hello, you might not remember me. We went to school together. I changed my name since then, though. Yes, I'm trans. Yes, I was in the closet even back then. I just wanted someone, anyone, to know. How have you been?"

I seriously thought about this. It's a scary move, I know nothing about how these people are now. Maybe they remember me with contempt as a collage of only their absolute worst memories? Maybe they've grown to be bigots eager to harass the unwitting victim landing in their lap? Maybe they don't remember me at all? Maybe they don't care?

Maybe I don't want to talk to any of these people?

In my mind I quickly narrowed it down to one person who I would feel the most safe and willing to reach out to. The last feasible bridge to my past. The one person I could still imagine being my friend after all these years. I'd known her since preschool. She was always really smart, we were always on good terms, but never really hung out together. We were merely in the same friend group. She was one of the few people I'd stumbled into past graduation. We had sporadically discussed music over MSN. When I was 17 years old she relayed an invitation for me to go to a punk show with her. She had said I was so kind. I neglected the offer. I deeply regret this. Not because I'd expect anything for showing up; anything but, I was already taken. It just felt rude of me. Maybe who I was back then wanted to sever my last connection to the past? Maybe who I am now wants to apologize more than anything? I realize of all the people from my old life, she would have the most unique last impression. As this distant, faceless loner holed up in a dark bedroom. Hopelessly unwilling to do anything at all. To be anything at all.

17 years old. Forever.

I decide it's no good. I don't actually feel strongly about this and I can't imagine she would either. It's been 15 years, any semblance of remorse is long gone. That version of me doesn't exist anymore, that version of her doesn't exist anymore. There is nothing to salvage, nothing to mend. I left all of that behind half my life ago. The past is gone.

I have nothing to say to whoever this person is now.

So I will remain as I was for all of those people. A skewed shadow of the truth. They will never know the real me. It is not my responsibility to reconnect and inform them about what I've been up to. I don't owe them anything. I can't get hung up on my imagination of what imagined specters would imagine me to be. This reflects more about me than anyone else. I am mourning my unfulfilled potential. Projecting it upon the memories that will never go away.

I just fear that one day my old classmates will arrange a school reunion. They'll all find each other with ease, but be stumped by my absence. They'll believe I'm dead. Died young as nothing but their incomplete picture of who I was. Perhaps at least one of them would have the detective knowhow to contact my parents and ask about me, so they could find me, discover my miraculous change and invite me to show who I finally became. I could complete the fragmented part of my childhood and finally illuminate my shadow. I could stop this looming feeling from growing ever larger with each year. But I'm not holding out hope. For all I know this reunion has already taken place. They held a silent moment for my unknown demise and promptly forgot all about me. Without ever knowing who I could've been, who I became.

A ghost. Forever.

/Kiki

[ladykailitha]

Royal Pain Part 16

Hello, darlings! I wanted to get this to you before I got too busy and forgot. My birthday is on Monday and I'm having a party on Saturday that I'm preparing for today, tomorrow, and most the day Saturday. I hope to get something out during that time, but I might not be able to get it up until Sunday.

Also I found out I was accidentally tagging @chaoticlovingdreamer twice! I don't think it did anything, but it was funny it took me this long to catch on!

Speaking of tagging, it used to be easy to tag from a copied list, just click on name, select drop down, move on to the next. But for some stupid reason I can't anymore and have to delete the last character in their username to get it to pop up. Is anyone else having this problem or is it just my life deciding to make it more difficult again?

Today for your enjoyment: communication, drunk Robin, and soulmate bonding!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15

***

Eddie crowed inside when Steve blushed at his comment. “And for record, sweetheart, I could see us tangled in your sheets. Not just the hot sex but everything before and after. All I’m asking is to take it slow.”

Steve gulped. “I’ll go at whatever speed you need, Eds. Honest. You set the pace.” He gave Eddie’s hand a squeeze. “And if you change your mind tomorrow, I’m down for that, too. If you decide we’re better as friends, I’ll be your best friend, okay?”

Eddie smiled. “I think Jeff and Robin might take offense to that.”

Steve laughed. “Nah, nah, Robin is my platonic soulmate, that’s separate from best friend.”

Eddie grinned. “I guess Jeff is more like family then a best friend. All the guys are.”

“There you have it,” Steve said smiling at him, merriment sparkling in his eyes.

They walked hand in hand all the way the way to the Rainbow High Club. They were forced to let go to flash their IDs, but they stayed close to each other, blushing and smiling at each other every time they caught the other’s eyes.

Chrissy’s eyes lit up. “How have I never heard of this place?” she asked, trying to take in as much of the sights as she could all at once. “It’s amazing.”

“Who’re the DDs tonight?” Robin asked, gleefully rubbing her hands together.

Steve, Gareth and Mandy all raise their hands. Eddie pouted.

“Stevie, you’re not drinking tonight?” he whined.

Steve laughed. “I’m working on your tattoo tomorrow, sunshine. I am not working on you hung over.”

Eddie cocked his head to the side. “Yeah, that’s fair.”

*

Now that Eddie and Steve knew where they stood with each other, that last barrier of tension vanished between them. They were laughing more freely. Touching more readily. Just having a blast knowing the potential for more was there waiting for them when they were willing to take that step.

Steve knew where the line in the sand was now and cranked up the charm to eleven. Just being a gentleman.

Eddie ate up the attention like a sunflower in summer following the sun. He felt that last bit of worry just clatter to floor like a chain coming off of a worn gate after so many years being locked away.

Jeff and Mandy ate it up on the dance floor, pulling Gareth with them as they got the shyer man to come out of his shell a little bit.

Brian even managed to get the DJ to play a little metal. Steve sipped on a Coke and laughed as he watched his friends get silly on the dance. He had barely finished his drink when Robin grabbed his hand and led him to the dance floor.

He cussed her out but she just kissed his cheek and told him to move his hips for fuck’s sake.

His dancing was terrible, but he let himself join the crowd and sway to the beat.

Eddie said in his ear, “You know in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ being a bad dancer meant you were bad at sex.”

Steve snorted. “Seriously?”

Eddie nodded. “So you know I’ve got to ask...”

“No, trust me when I say I tango better in bed than out of it,” Steve said with a giggle.

“You got receipts for that, big boy?” Eddie asked, dropping his voice low, startling a gasp out of Steve.

His giggle turned into a full on laugh. “You want a list of my very satisfied exes?”

“And their phone number,” Eddie teased back. “If you’re going to win me over Casanova, I’m gonna need references.”

“I think I can handle that,” Steve said in total seriousness.

Eddie pushed him away, a laugh stuttering out of him. “Get off, you menace. Jeez!”

Steve backed up, giving him the space. “You started it.”

“Sorry I forgot you were Mr Charm Everyone’s Panties Off in high school,” Eddie said rolling his eyes.

Steve chuckled. “I’ve still got it, I just don’t date much because I have to run a shop.”

Eddie leaned back in. “And honey, I’ve got nothing but time.”

Steve grinned.

*

At the bar a blond man with legs for days and a cocky grin leaned against the edge of the bartop with his elbows. Ink peaked out of the black tank top he was wearing and he had piercings in both ears and a snakebite piercing on his lower lip. He lowered his sunglasses as he watched Eddie and Steve on the dance floor. His bright blue eyes glittered with malice, the grin never leaving his face.

*

Steve got a giggling Robin up the stairs to their apartment and into her bed. He pulled off her jacket and shoes and rolled her under the covers. She made grabby hands at him when he stood back up.

“I’m going to get ready for bed and I’ll be right back,” he told her.

She pouted, but let him go.

Steve made a mad dash to his room, where he threw on his pajama pants and a faded band tee and rushed back to Robin’s room.

“Where you go?” she asked with a frown.

He shook his head and climbed into bed with her. She immediately latched to him like some kind of possessive sea creature. Like a an octopus or a barnacle.

“Why did you surround me with pretty girls?” she wailed. “All the pretty girls all at once.”

Steve snorted. Mandy and Chrissy were not ‘all’ by anyone’s stretch of the imagination.

“Mandy has a boyfriend,” he gently reminded her.

“Did you know she did ballet?” Robin whisper-yelled. “That’s why she has such long legs and great tits.”

“Yes, I was there when she told us,” Steve soothed.

“And Chrissy was athletic, too!” Robin continued. “Cheerleading is scary hot.”

Steve huffed out a small laugh. “What does that even mean?”

“The...” she made a weird motion with her hands, “and the woo...” she threw her arms in the air, “and the ‘yay!’ That’s scary.”

He rolled his eyes. “The tumbling?”

Robin hit his arm over and over. “That, that! Yes. And the hot is the uniform. Have you seen the uniform?” she growled.

Steve laughed. “I was in basketball, yes. You know one of the two sports that has cheerleaders?”

“The skirt is itty-bitty,” she slurred, putting her hands together as close as they would go without touching. “And no sleeves! Bare midriffs too. And and the cute little socks!”

“Can’t forget the cute little socks,” he agreed.

She slapped his arm again, this time harder. “And don’t you dare try to change the subject. I see you.” She pointed at her eyes and then at him, nearly poking his eye out.

“I didn’t change anything,” he muttered, “you started talking and haven’t stopped.”

“I saw you run the bathroom after the concert, gig, thingy...” she frowned. “What is it called the every day one not the tour-y one?”

“Gig,” Steve said gently.

Robin slapped his arm again. “Don’t change the subject!” she hissed. “You got hella horny watching your boy sing!” She threw out her arms and did hit him in the face that time.

“Yes,” he agreed. “I will be better prepared next time we go.”

“You have the hots for Eddie,” she said leaning in close.

But before Steve could answer, Robin was out cold. Her low tolerance for alcohol knocking her out at last. He carefully untangled himself from her embrace knowing that her drunken snoring would be like a buzzsaw in his ear if he slept in her room.

He pulled his shirt off and slipped into his own covers a smile on his face.

*

The next morning he had coffee and the greasiest breakfast sandwich he could find ready for his platonic soulmate when she staggered out of bed and into the kitchen. He handed her a small glass of water and painkillers, which she took under his watchful eye.

“I feel like I should hate for this,” she muttered into her steaming styrofoam cup.

Steve grinned, knowing full well that if laughed, she would straight on murder him and he really didn’t want to go yet.

“Also, don’t think you dodged the talk about you rushing to the bathroom after the show,” she grumped. “Because that was a bit pervy even for you.”

Steve rolled his eyes as he chowed down on his own less greasy sandwich. “I was totally unprepared for how hot he was that close up,” he snarked.

Robin raised an eyebrow. “He did seem particularly out to get you with that little number he was wearing last night.”

“Seriously,” he agreed. “But I’ll know better next time, plan ahead, sit behind the table.”

She giggled.

He propped his head on his hands, elbows planted on their counter. “But enough about that. I want to talk about two lovely blondes making goo-goo eyes at each other all night.”

She pushed his arm causing him to almost smack his face into the counter as he lost the support.

“Shut up,” Robin hissed. “She did not make goo-goo eyes at me all night. I would have noticed.”

Steve laughed. “I noticed you didn’t deny making goo-goo eyes at her.”

She blushed, and took a sip of her coffee to hide her embarrassment. “She’s so pretty and smart and how I am suppose to win her over when she so far out of my league.”

Steve came over and grabbed both of her cheeks in his hands. “Robin Eloise Buckley you are just as beautiful and smart and talented as she is. Just in a different way. I know right now you’re feeling morose because you have a hangover. So trust me in this moment, you are every bit as awesome as she is and if she doesn’t see that then we say?”

“Fuck that?” she whispered.

“I don’t think I heard you,” he said cocking the side of his head so he could tilt his right ear her direction.

“Fuck that,” Robin said with more conviction.

“There you go,” he said and gave her a fierce kiss on the forehead. “Now what I want you to do while I’m gone is watch the ‘Pride & Prejudice’ mini-series with that tub of Ben & Jerry’s I know you’ve been saving and when I’m done I’ll grab Chinese from that favorite shop on the corner, okay?”

She set the coffee down and gave him a fierce hug. “You’re the best soulmate a girl could ask for.”

Steve squeezed her back. “Hard same.”

She laughed. “You are such a dork.”

“Yes, but I’m your dork.”

***

Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Epilogue

Tag List: @spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @zerokrox-blog @artiststarme @swimmingbirdrunningrock @gregre369 @pyrohonk @renaissan-vvitch @goodolefashionedloverboi @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach @messrs-weasley @val-from-lawrence @plyerice27 @thedragonsaunt @sapphirecobalt-1@a-little-unsteddie @i-must-potato @danili666 @carlyv @rozzieroos @wonderland-girl143-blog @itsall-taken @justforthedead89 @emly03 @bookworm0690 @aizawa-emma @redfreckledwolf @thesuninyaface @bookbinderbitch @yikes-a-bee @littlewildflowerkitten @scheodingers-muppet @archermightbegay @hallucinatedjosten @ellietheasexylibrarian @anne-bennett-cosplayer @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @bestwifehaver @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @oldwitcheshat

[gayautisticraccoon]

Get to know me!

Tagged by the beautiful @clawbehavior and @mayykit (lowkey forgot about this so it took me a while :P)

1. What's the origin of your username?

This one is pretty straight forward I think xD

2. OTPs and ship names!

Gahan - Kim Gaon/Kang Yohan

KangJae - Baek Kanghyuk/Yang Jae-Won

I have some others that I really like but I'm not active in the fandoms much anymore so gonna skip those ^^

3. Fav color

This changes almost constantly for me tbh, I can never decide lmao But I really like black and red together

4. Song stuck in my head

Nur Ein Wort - Wir sind Helden

5. Weirdest habit/trait

Not sure about this one actually, I think I have a lot of small habits that probably seem weird to other people xD

6. Hobbies

Most importantly gaming with friends, Discord voice chats with my besties are my safe space. Other than that I really like watching TV shows, reading fanfic and travelling.

7. If you work, what's your profession

I work in retail (end me)

8. If you could have any job, what would you wish for?

Ngl my brain struggles with the idea of having to work just to afford to exist for the rest of my life. I lowkey wish I could just find myself a pretty sugar daddy so I can be a stay at home spouse, make art, do what I love.

9. Something you're good at

Procrastinating. Other than that? Not sure I'm really good at anything lol

10. Something you hate

People who put others down to feel better about themselves. You gotta be one miserable piece of shit to be mean to people for no reason.

11. Something you forget

Literally everything. ESPECIALLY if it's important. I hate it but I will forget anything that isn't constantly on my mind already

12. Your love languages

Small gestures to show that one cares like remembering little details about them, small acts of service, paying attention to them, listening and so on. Also physical touch. I love small casual touches to show affection. Probably doesn't help that I'm severely touch starved lmao

13. Fav movies and TV shows

Somehow I always forget every single movie I love when questions like this come up but I love a lot of movie series. Lord of the Rings, Kingsman, Fast and the Furious. For TV shows, The Devil Judge obviously. But shows like Criminal Minds, The Mentalist, Supernatural, stuff that I watched when I was a teenager, will always hold a special place in my heart

14. Fav food

Lasagna and sushi, I could inhale those things every single day

15. Fav animal

Raccoons C:

16. What was I like as a child?

Very shy and reserved

17. Favorite subject in school

English and Art

18. Least favorite subject

Math

19. Best trait

I feel like this is also a curse at times but I would probably say my kindness. I treat everyone I meet with the same respect and kindness as anyone else. No matter what they look like, if they speak a language I understand or not. I've been told by customers that they love how friendly I was to them. But I feel like it also gets me hurt a lot so there's that.

20. Worst trait

My constant need for reassurance. I am fully aware how irrational it can be at times. Logically I know that my closest friends love me but one slight inconvenience or change in tone and I'll feel like they hate me/are avoiding me or whatever and I absolutely HATE that about me and my stupid brain

21. If you could change any detail of your life, what would it be

Gonna steal this one from you @clawbehavior because it's such a simple but life changing thing. Zero foot pain. I used to think that I just needed to get used to standing all day again after spending all of university sitting at desks. But here I am, one year into working in retail and my feet still hurt like hell at the end of each shift

22. If you could travel in time, who would you want to meet?

I'd visit my grandpa before he died and tell him how much I love him. I'm pretty sure he knew that but I hadn't seen him in like a year when he passed away. He was home alone while my grandma was in hospital when it happened and I just hate that.

I really liked this one, I had a lot of fun answering the questions :3 Tagging anyone who wants to play because I'm not sure who has participated yet so feel free to join in if you see this <3

[halimpark7]

I do stuff in my sleep. Sometimes my dreams come true. I'm not a gimmick, I express myself honestly as best as I can. Why hold it in anymore?

While I was sleeping I was pulled out of a deep cycle by a rocking of my van. It was going side to side.

I tried to wake up but I was stuck, oppressed by my lack of sleep. The deprivation holding me under.

I prayed to know what was happening. In my astral vision.

I saw a young, hooded, masked man, outside my van next to my water intake. Pushing my van trying to molest it. (People come by in the middle of the night to put chemicals inside the water intake, it makes me sleepy or aggressive, depending on what it is.)

So under my sleep spell, I garbled out loud "what the fuck!"

When you talk in your sleep, the people outside your head hear a muffled, chewed up, sound. Your mouth is slack from the complete relaxation of your body's natural sleep chemistry. When you yell you don't have control over your vocal cords. It comes out strange.

"what the fuck!" I efforted out of my throat.

"whaaaat the fuuuuuuck!" My garbled, sleep-yell.

In my sleep vision, I saw him decide to turn and walk away. I ended with, a loud "Get Homeless!" curse.

Because.

That's what happens when you make too many people feel like nothing.

Especially when you pick on homeless people.

And even if you never lose your house, you don't feel comfortable anywhere, and no one really likes you, but can't say it. You feel separated and alone. And you deserve it.

When I was 16, I was meaner than I am now. I worked my first job at the local chain diner. Village inn, known for its good pies and good breakfast.

I learned what the last 4 digits of my social security numbers were, all the different ways you can get eggs made (the hard way), and for the first time I felt real jealousy.

I learned a lot of things at that job.

My dad never wanted me to be a waitress. He thought it was dirty and that I was "selling my smile".

The same guy who fucked a dirty prostitute, gave my mom crabs, told her he got it from a bus seat, and, she believed him, took his word over mine.

I feel rage over the stupidity of my mother.

He never took the bus. I don't even think there was a bus line in that section of town.

Why was I stuck with these people?

This was when I was around 11.

At Village Inn, there were two sections of the restaurant. Non-smoking, and smoking. You made better tips in the non-smoking section. Had more interesting conversations in the non-smoking section.

At that time, I lived in a small town, I was one of 3 Asian families. Everyone knew everything about everybody. I was just trying to understand life, have enough money to finally buy clothes, my own underwear that doesn't have holes in them. Pretty things to distract me.

Losing.- moving 3 times within the last year, the one home I had for 4 years (the longest time I've stayed in any one place). Losing all my friends. Losing varsity cheerleading, losing varsity show choir. Losing my virginity.

I had a lot of pain I wasn't dealing with. At least I could go shopping and try to find a boyfriend.

During one of my smoking section shifts, after about 6 months into my serving job as a waitress, I started getting really mouthy.

I was miserable and I didn't know it.

Working was not what I thought it was. Money was nice. But I didn't know how to talk to people.

I was just dancing w my words, compliment this, smile like this, laugh like that. Giggle, do a slight body roll when you laugh at their jokes, touch their arm. Ha ha ha. Stick out your butt when you walk away.

I was just trying to help people be happy for 20% of their food bill and ended up learning from all the townsfolk how to be a flirt. There were some things my father knew about. I guess waitressing was one of them.

"party of six, non-smoking"

Great! The smoking section is usually slower, smokers don't tip as much, back then- to the wait staff, smoking was dirty.

There was this family that no one wanted to serve. They all chain smoked, were overweight, unwashed, sweat and grease stains, dingy. I once saw a small bug fall off their son's hair and onto his shoulder. I didn't know what their problem was. They never tipped and came in regularly, every Friday.

They were always happy.

I gave away that table to a girl I ghosted, once my best friend in a new high school, friends no more after I realized how much work it was to be friends with the girl everyone hates.

Another instance with the same table of six, within ear shot.

I was near the expo line, behind a wall with an open door, I loudly complained how some people never tip. They left ashamed, quiet, with under a dollar in change at the corner of the table.

I know what it's like to be mean to people who have little. It bites you so hard in the butt for many many years to come.

TBC.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Support my work! I need food today and id like to buy a Polaroid printer to send you guys art 😉😚🥵

Cashap-halimpark7 venmo HaLim-Park PayPal hapark7

[fanfictiongirlie]

HP: Forbidden - Chapter Ten

Click here for masterlist

Parings: George Weasley x Female OC (Slytherin)

Description:

Rosalie Riddle lives in the shadow of her father, going to Hogwarts made her feel safe and happy and when she meets George Weasley she feels a whole new emotion. Follow her story from the beginning of her Hogwarts Journey.

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Can fluff be a warning? Little bit of angst. Fred still dies, sorry.

P.s. So this is a rewrite from a fanfiction I originally wrote when I was roughly 16. It was awful, truly awful, but I adored the story so I decided to rewrite it ten years later. Enjoy.

The name calling was tonight, we had finished our dinners and shuffled around the Great Hall, not sitting in our house just sitting wherever. I opted to sit with the twins. Their younger brother didn't seem happy I was there but I didn't care. 

Soon Dumbledore was speaking and ready to call the names out. Firstly he called out a name from Beauxbatons; Fleur Delacour.

Secondly Viktor Krum, the boy I met the other day. 

And then for Hogwarts, I was hoping it wouldn't be Cedric. He was my only friend in the higher years so what are the oods. 

"Cedric Diggory!" Yelled Dumbledore. 

My heart sunk watching Cedric walking up towards and past Dumbledore. I was doubting Cedric's power but I've read that these challenges can be very dangerous. 

"He'll be alright" George whispered his arm going around my shoulder.

The goblet started to flicker again, and the lights in the room went funny. And then another piece of parchment flew out of the goblet, Dumbledore caught it. 

He muttered a name, but I didn't caught it, luckily he yelled it out, and he yelled Harry Potter. I looked over to Harry and laughed.

"You're always getting in trouble Harry" However, no one laughed with me. Instead a few people were yelling harsh things at him. Never thought I'd see the day people were mean to Harry Potter. 

Harry left and walked towards Dumbledore, he left the great hall and the professors left with him. 

"Maybe we should head out?" George spoke, I nodded and took his hand in mind. And we left the hall together. 

__________

Today was the day of the first task, Daphne and I were walking towards the arena together, I secretly bought a book with me. Through the grapevine, George had found out that the first task had dragons. I had never seen a dragon so I was very excited for that. 

"I'm so nervous for Cedric" I say

"I know, he'll be okay" Daphne smiled.

We climbed up onto the seats, a few minutes after we sat the twins sat behind us, George hugged me from behind, as he did his lips were ever so slightly touching my cheek, and honestly it made me dizzy. 

Once the cannon fired the take begun, Cedric was first, I watched him narrowly dodge the fire from his dragon. He wasn't doing so good at first, but luckily he got the hang of it after a while. He turned a rock into a dog to distract the dragon, and by tricking the dragon he was able to grab the egg and finish win his turn. 

Next up was Fleur, she took a lot longer than Cedric, and the dragon caught her skirt with it's fire, but eventually she got the egg. Viktor was quicker than Fleur and Cedric, but he hurt his dragon so he lost points, which made me not like him anymore. He seemed nice enough, but I couldn't forgive someone hurting these dragons. I felt so bad for them.

And then came Harry, I was actually so nervous for him, I couldn't imagine going against a dragon with my magically knowledge and Harry's knowledge was roughly the same as mine. 

Harry's dragon was different to the other three, it was angier, more scary looking too. It felt like forever watching him, finally Harry got his broom, and thats when the dragon got free and the two flew around the castle grounds. 

Eventually Harry came back and claimed his dragon, he didn't have points deducted for killing his dragon, I noticed. 

"Poor dragon" I frown. 

"You sound just like Charlie" George chuckles. 

"Charlie's the one older than Percy, right?" I asked, trying to remember the ages of his siblings was something I was really trying to learn. George nodded to let me know I was correct. 

Soon the scores were in, and Viktor and Harry were joint first. Cedric was second and Fleur last. 

___________

Christmas was only around the corner and something unexpected was here, Professor Snape had us Slytherins gathered together. And he was explained the Yule Ball to us.

"I personally don't care if you can dance or not, but Professor Dumbledore had decided everyone must have a dance lesson" Snape explained. 

"Malfoy, Riddle up here now!" 

Draco and I walk over to him. I had a feeling I knew what was about to happen. Snape proceeded to explain the art of dancing to use, and the steps we had to follow. He then played the music. 

Draco awkwardly placed both his hands on my waist, and I placed mine on his shoulders, and we very awkwardly followed the steps. We fumbled a few times, but ultimately we danced rather well. I had never attended the dances the Carrows would throw, but I always imagined going and dances, and the fact I was going to a ball was so exciting. Daphne and I would have to go dress shopping.

Once our dancing class had ended, it was lunch, before I even reached the room George stopped me, his face redder than usual. 

"Rose" He took my hand and pulled me to the side.

"I wanted to officially ask you to the ball, as my date" He asked. 

I smiled and nodded.

"Of course, shall we get lunch now?" I asked. 

"No, wait" He stopped me from walking.

"Yes George?"

"Actually, I'd like if, well if you wanted, maybe you wanted to go as my girlfriend?" He asked. 

"Really?" I ask, maybe too excitedly. 

"Yes really!"

"George, yes!" I giggle, his smile was so wide right now, we leant forward and hugged one another, tight. 

"Finally ay?" He asks, laughing. 

"I know right, but I don't mind us going slow" I admit. 

"Me neither Rose" He adds. 

"Now lunch?" I ask again.

"You love your food, don't you" He grins, taking my hand.

"You've tasted the food here haven't you?" I hadn't told him about the lack of food I get at home yet, nor have I told him about the abuse. One day maybe, but not today. I wanted to enjoy this without dark drama for a little while longer. 

[short-circuit-the-great]

Character questions from this post, answered for Clawdius.

[1] What first impression do they typically make? Are they likeable from the get go, or take time to grow on people?

He's very sweet until you say the wrong thing. And it's very easy. Then he wants to dismember you.

Stables are for horses.

[2] How does their social personality differ from how they act when they’re alone?

Around people: murder is okay

Alone: murder is okay

[3] What emotion is the hardest for them to deal with?

Grief.

Made a pact with an ancient god who almost destroyed the Spiral, leveled an entire skyway, is actively running around blowing up cities and terrorizing populations because he can't sit with the reality of his life anymore: he's not handling any of it well.

[4] How physically and emotionally affectionate are they?

Very. He loves touch if you do. He likes to lie on his friends and kiss and hug them.

He was a very affectionate father too---Brooke was always being carried, even when she was "too big." He didn't want her, but when they found her in the snow all alone, Zan wanted to keep her, so they did---and look at them now.

Well, not now.

But back then.

[5] Are they good at keeping secrets?

Yes. He'll take your secret to the grave. If it's embarrassing, he'll clown on you for it, but only you.

[6] How direct are they in conversations, do they speak in hints and riddles or bluntly say what they think?

He says exactly what he thinks.

[7] Are they a good liar, and what would they probably lie about?

He had to take an entirely new identity once. He's a good liar when he needs to be.

[8] How open are they about their true feelings, both positive and negative?

You will know if he loves or hates you.

He tends to downplay his negative feelings. e.g. "I'm fine" while sweating and shaking with a racing heartrate.

[9] What is their love language?

Haha, "love languages."

[10] How quickly do they fall for someone?

[11] What are small things that make them happy?

He LOVES that he can fly now. It took a fall into Shadow for it to happen, but being able to turn into a spider-like Shadow Seraph with huge wings is pretty cool. He likes to feel the wind up there.

[12] How high is their self-esteem?

Pretty high, all things considered.

[13] What kind of sense of humor do they have, if any?

Filthy.

[14] What does it take to make them laugh, and what does their laugh sound like?

"HUAHAAGHAHAGHAGHA" SNORT WHEEEEEEEEEZE *CACKLE* "HAHAGAHGAHAHAHAHA" SNOOOOOOOORT

He has a pretty good villain laugh too but that's his real one.

He will laugh at anything.

[15] How do they act around people they don't like?

IS YOUR ESTATE IN ORDER, SWEETHEART?

[16] Do they easily rely on others to help them out, or prefer doing everything themselves?

No help! Ever! Unless you're Zanetta. Then help is fine. Wanted, even. They were an unstoppable duo back when they were a duo.

___

[17] What is their biggest struggle that no one around them is able to understand or believe?

Being a semi-divine, all-powerful Shadowmancer who lives in constant fear. What could he possibly be scared of? It turns out: everything.

[18] Do they ever have to hide their identity and for what reason?

He has an earring that is enchanted with Moon magic and allows him to change shape. He's become various creatures to commit various acts of mischief. And to save his skin. See the earlier mention about changing his identity: he had to be a Mantis once.

[19] If they could change one thing about their past, what would they change?

He wouldn't let Brooke go to Polaris.

[20] When they’re sad or upset, do they need company or some time alone?

He used to stay with Zan, but he can't do that anymore. Now he prefers time alone and usually a city to blow up.

[21] When they’re sick, would they want others to visit and take care of them, or they would rather prefer not to be seen at not their best?

No one's allowed to see him.

[22] Do they have nightmares, and if yes, when did they start and what are they usually about?

He's had nightmares and hallucinations upon falling asleep/waking up ever since his parents and their crew were murdered in Khrysalis. They're always about bugs.

[23] What was the worst, the darkest period of their life that they have been through?

Falling into Shadow after losing Brooke.

[24] How hard it is for them to not allow their emotions to cloud their judgement?

Impossible.

[25] Do they have fears and phobias, and if they do, do they usually keep it to themselves or talk about it openly?

He keeps it to himself, but it's not hard to figure out.

[26] Do they have any physical or mental illness, how do they handle it and how open they are about it?

He has anxiety and PTSD due to, I don't know, watching his friends and family get eaten alive. He developed a spell specifically to deal with symptoms. He put it on himself, which is a terrible idea with magic, but it was so unbearable to live with he did it anyway. This makes it faster and easier to cast: if he touches his mouth to his hand (or anywhere on his body, but hand is easiest) it induces a state of calm. This is why he's covered in bite marks he doesn't always remember to heal.

Yes, it works on other people too.

[27] Do they have any scars, how did they get them and how do they feel about them?

Half of his face was precisely gnawed off in Khrysalis, and he has several wounds from his own teeth that have never quite healed (from the spell mentioned above).

He has a scar on his arm from childhood. They would play fight a lot and Zan was getting stronger, and neither of them noticed how strong he was getting until a "playful" bite took a huge chunk out of Clawdius's arm. Clawdius healed it just fine (the benefits of studying Theurgy), but he was inexperienced back then and it left a scar. Complicated as things are now, he still loves that scar and has never gotten rid of it.

[28] What is something that they will never be able to forgive?

He is completely convinced Zan betrayed him and left him to die on Crescent Beach. If this is true, he won't forgive it.

[29] How do they deal with loss, stress and anger?

He started terrorizing the Spiral, so not well.

[30] What are their most healthy and most unhealthy coping mechanisms?

What healthy coping mechanisms?

As for unhealthy, there's the aforementioned terrorism.

[31] How hard it is for them to own up to their mistakes and wrongdoings?

Not hard at all.

[32] Is there something they've done in the past that they deeply regret till this day?

"Maybe Zanetta didn't betray me because no Dragonspyre warrior runs from a fight. Maybe I shouldn't have told him I hate him."

[33] What is one of their fondest and most treasured memories?

Every memory with Zanetta in it, except that one.

___

[34] Do they have vices they don't want others to know about?

Nope, he's open about everything.

[35] Do they like their own appearance, and what do they do, if anything, to alter it in any way?

He thinks he's hot shit and he's right.

[36] Do they own items that have sentimental value?

He kept the Storm bracelet Zan gave him as a birthday gift a long time ago.

[37] How would they spend a lazy day when they have nothing specific to do?

TARGET PRACTICE

THE MORE ALIVE THE BETTER

[38] What do they usually do or where do they go when they need to feel comfortable and safe?

WHAT IS COMFORTABLE AND SAFE HAHAHAAHAH

[39] What is their sleeping habits and favorite sleeping position, either alone or with someone?

I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE THE UMBRA LEGION ABDUCTED MY FAMILY FROM ARROYO GRANDE

[40] How picky they are with food, do they have specific dietary requirements based on their health or culture?

BARBECUE

[41] What’s their usual morning routine?

SEE THE SUN COMING UP

CLIMB DOWN FROM TREE

SCREAM AT THE SKY

PICK UP SPARK GUN

SPIN MY SPIRAL WORLD WHEEL

GO THERE

CAUSE PROBLEMS

GO BACK TO TREE

SEE THE SUN COMING UP

REPEAT

[42] What is their idea of a perfect friendly hangout and/or romantic date?

WE BLOW UP MARLEYBONE

[43] Do they enjoy flirting or being flirted with?

He loves flirting with people.

[44] At a party, where would you find them?

Drinking out of the punch bowl with his head shoved in it, or snorting mac and cheese like cocaine. Probably also snorting actual cocaine.

[45] For an event, would they dress like they typically do, or go all out?

He wears that same leather fit everywhere. If he doesn't look like a BDSM biker, he doesn't feel right.

[46] Would they rather dress to look attractive or to feel comfortable, and what would they never wear?

He would never want to dress like a normal wizard. No robes or anything. That doesn't mean he doesn't dress like that sometimes, but he doesn't like it.

He dresses for comfort as well. That biker outfit is actually very stretchy and nice.

[47] Do they drink alcohol, and if they do, how much and how often?

He's an occasional drinker, and he always has too much. The drinking age in Wizard City is 18, and on his 18th birthday, he went straight for the most wicked potion he could find. (It is surprising he waited until it was WITHIN THE RULES, but he had Zan keeping him in line back then, so that's why.) He ended up severely hungover and vomiting live minnows. He swore to never drink again, but of course he broke this vow immediately and has many more hangover stories.

[48] Are they, or were they at some point in their life, a part of any subculture?

No.

___

[49] Do they possess any unexpected skill or knowledge that surprises others, and otherwise, what is something anyone would assume they know or can do, but in fact they don’t?

He's a good healer. Surprise, combat track Theurgists still learn battlefield medicine! He can put your leg back on just as easily as he can slice it off.

Everyone assumes he can't heal for shit.

He's very kind as well. When you're bleeding out on the ground, terrified you are going to die, this is the guy you want.

[50] What are they really good and really bad at?

Good at picking fights and bad at knowing when NOT to pick them. He thinks he can win everything.

[51] How good are they with money?

He has great saving hacks such as stealing everything.

[52] Do they speak any other languages aside from their own?

He speaks fluent Mantis.

[53] Do they like to sing and how confident they are with their singing?

You know how Theurgists use Songs? The Song of Creation? Naturally, he's TERRIBLE AT SINGING SO NEVER LET HIM SING. Your flowers will probably WILT. There's not a musical bone in his body. That would be concerning, wouldn't it? A musical bone.

He still loves to sing sky shanties, though. Nothing's stopping him. He knows he's awful and doesn't care.

[54] Do they like giving gifts, and how good are they at picking good gifts?

He knows exactly what people need. It may not be what you want, but it's what you need. It always ends up being a good gift.

[55] How long does it take for them to make a new place feel like home, and what do they need for it?

He can be at home anywhere. All he needs to do is make a tree grow and sit in it.

[56] How would they react to hearing a dirty joke?

He's the one making it.

[57] What was the most stupid or dangerous thing they have ever done?

Keeping Morganthe's power instead of returning it to Khrysalis.

[58] In the situation where they had to choose, would they rather stay loyal to their morals or to people they love?

To people he loves.

[59] What would they want to be remembered for?

Being powerful.

[60] If they were to commit a crime, what kind of crime would it most likely be?

Terrorism.